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[personal profile] rachg82
People have been commenting about my lack of an "About Me" post for a while, so I thought I'd finally create one. Just in time for everyone to abort ship in favor of twitter and tumblr! They'll have to drag me out of here kicking & screaming, though. After more than fourteen(!) years, I'm comfy here, damn't.

Currently, I'm 35 years old, though I often feel either much younger or much older than that. It doesn't help that I'm an oompa loompa at the mighty height of 4 feet 10 and a half inches, meaning people tend to treat me as if I'm younger than I really am and make lots of obnoxious comments. I'm also a virgin, proudly bi (I'd say I'm probably a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey Scale), and regrettably, eternally single -- I've yet to experience a romantic relationship that's lasted longer than two months, and I can count the number of people with whom I've been on even one date using only one hand. Basically, I take "late bloomer" to the next level. Tellingly, it took me until 2017 to get my very first smart phone (2014 to get my first cell phone, period. Change is hard for me, and I stubbornly wanted to hold out on getting one for as long as possible), and I've never had a driver's license. I tend to feel on the outside in life quite a bit, but much less so online. All that said, I sometimes feel old in my shoes, because I've been through a lot in my life thus far.

I've begun receiving disability for some physical health issues (mainly chronic migraines, which I've had as far back as I can remember & which run rampant in my family) and mental health issues -- overall, I've been diagnosed with recurring Major Depressive Disorder, Complex-PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, & mild/borderline OCD (I kinda feel like I should get some type of dysfunctional merit badge for collecting so many), though not all at the same time. I also have some mild autistic traits to varying degrees of obviousness, I've been told, but supposedly not enough to be officially diagnosed as existing on the spectrum. To be fair, females are traditionally way under-represented & under-diagnosed in the autism community (especially adult ones, as they have often trained themselves to socially "pass" by then, which I definitely can relate to), but I did have one counselor who told me that the ASD symptoms I was presenting with were actually part of my C-PTSD. Some of her reasoning for that made sense to me, but some of it also felt like a huge reach, so make of that what you will.

Moving on: up until 2014, I was attending school part-time at Portland Community College, with the goal of transferring to Portland State University to obtain a liberal arts degree (I'm only a few credits shy of starting my junior year there), but there's been a pause button hit on that while I focus on improving my health, both physically & mentally. It's taking significantly longer than I'd like (especially being newly into recovery from a wholly unexpected addiction to benzos), but one day at a time, y'know? If I'm still on disability after managing to eventually, hopefully graduate, but able by then to work in little bits, then I'd like to work part-time as a tutor. Otherwise, if my health improves sufficiently, then I'd like to work full-time either as a tutor or a teacher (elementary school and/or adults -- I'm drawn to both for different reasons). Either way, I'd like to write in my personal time too as that is my real passion. My dream is to publish my own memoir, maybe some of my poetry, and possibly a self-illustrated book for children.

On a painful, but significant note: I grew up with a mother who had a severe & mostly treatment-resistant, rapid-cycling form of Bipolar Disorder (type 1) + a decades-long addiction to narcotics. Devastatingly, she died suddenly in 2012 at the age of only 55. We were estranged when she passed, but I never stopped loving her, and I miss her down to my very core. I also have a father whom I haven't seen in over a decade, and who lives several thousand miles away -- literally & figuratively. In my opinion he's an alcoholic, albeit a pretty "high-functioning" one, though he would never admit to that himself. I will say that he is a definite narcissist though, and often painfully lacking in the ability to empathize with others (in part due to an extremely abusive childhood).

All of the above is not to say my parents & I didn't have any happy moments together, however, because we absolutely did. My mom taught me how to dance, & read to me every night. More than once, I made her laugh so hard that she peed her pants. The world feels immeasurably emptier--and a lot more boring, frankly--now that she's no longer in it. My dad, meanwhile, passed down to me a deep love of music & a sharp sense of humor. Once he even painstakingly built me a dollhouse with individual wooden shingles, tiny strips of wallpaper, & hand-made furniture that must've taken him forever to create. I could name a long list of other positive memories I shared with them over the years, making the moments they were abusive and/or unstable extremely confusing for me emotionally, to say the least. But I'm learning to empathize with & forgive them a little bit more every day for the pain they caused me & my sister, and for the dammed-but-leaking trauma I carry with me to this day. I still keep my guard up to protect myself, but I try to let the resentment & bitterness go for my own well-being. I'm working on healing these wounds as best I can through therapy, writing, & various 12-step fellowships such as Narcotics Anonymous & Al-Anon.

Suffice it to say, I could write a whole book here about my loud, little life -- from my family, to growing up in the suburbs of Portlandia during the Dream of the '90s, to the Arts & Communications magnet high school I attended (pretty much a microcosm of the city itself in the best possible sense), to my niece & nephew whom I completely adore, but it would take too long. Instead, I have a few links to give anyone who wants to peek more into my life a better chance to do so:

Below you'll find my "Year in Review" posts. I do them just about every year, and I did one for almost a whole decade in 2009. They're made up of quotes from all the entries I wrote during that time, and I still look back at them myself sometimes just to recognize patterns in my behavior & to be grateful for how far I've come when I look at the big picture. There's also a lot of fangirl flailing in the latter years. It's gotten me by countless times, even through the darkest of days.

Decade in Review Parts I and II
2010 in Review
2011 in Review
2012 in Review
2013 in Review
2014 in Review
2015 in Review
2016 in Review

P.S. If any of you would like to view the soundtracks I created for some of those years, just visit my sometimes I make soundtracks tag. Please let me know if any of the links are broken, and I'll try to fix them asap. YouTube is a cruel mistress. Same goes for my Vid of the Day tags & so on.

P.P.S. Almost all my entries are friends-locked now, but I'm leaving certain things public (e.g. my fanfic, poetry, certain memes), and I will more than likely add you back if you leave me a comment letting me know you'd like to be friends. I will actually make an effort to read your posts & comment on them. Reciprocity is greatly appreciated, even if it's only displayed every once in a while.

Finally, since I know most of you are TV junkies like me, here's a list of all the major shows I've watched & enjoyed:

(and if you'd like more information on the shows I actively recommend, check out this tag.)

-The X-Files
-Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist
-Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Aeon Flux
-My So-Called Life
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer
-Angel
-Freaks & Geeks
-Arrested Development
-Sex and the City
-Gilmore Girls
-Veronica Mars
-Firefly
-Dollhouse
-Parenthood
-Battlestar Galactica
-Caprica
-Psych
-Portlandia
-Bones (S1 - S5 I'll always remember very fondly, as well as a few select episodes from S6--it's the show that got me into fanfic writing--but beyond that it got pretty cringe-worthy for me, unfortunately. I haven't watched it in many years)
-The Daily Show
-The Colbert Report
-@midnight
-The Nightly Show
-Broad City
-Community
-Parks & Recreation
-Party Down
-My Mad Fat Diary
-Miranda
-Friday Night Lights
-American Horror Story (Seasons 1 and 2 are my solid faves. After that it gets pretty hit-or-miss imo.)
-The Wire
-Southland
-Orange is the New Black
-Breaking Bad
-Fargo (season 1 at least -- haven't seen s2 yet)
-Archer
-House of Lies
-The Bridge (the American version -- haven't seen the original)
-The Walking Dead
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine
-The Fall
-Grace & Frankie
-The Jim Gaffigan show
-Veep
-Nurse Jackie
-True Detective (season 1 -- haven't seen s2 yet)
-Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
-Bates Motel
-Stranger Things
-Six Feet Under
-The L Word (if you bear in mind my love/hate relationship with it. The finale was TERRIBLE, and the series had a disappointing amount of biphobia overall, but it had its good/great moments too, and it served an undeniable need in the lgbtq community.)
-and, lastly, the first three seasons of Rizzoli on Isles. Er, I mean Rizzoli AND Isles. Wishful thinking, excuse me. You may also hear me refer to it as "Gay Bones," because let's face it, that's basically what it is.

And as a bonus, just so you know what I look like, here's a pic:

(no subject)

Date: 2016-09-18 06:55 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] supportcircle
Hi I love your intro post! Are you a little person/ dwarf? You mentioned being 4 ft tall. Anyway I understand about having disabilities as I'm totally blind and have severe mental illness. Have also dealt with alcoholism in my family. Am interested in hearin about that Dr. Katz show as I love anything about therapy!

(no subject)

Date: 2016-09-21 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] supportcircle
Hey thanks about the show sounds interesting. So how active are these blogs/ people on this site. I joined in order to comment on a friend's blog and do mine through wordpress. Are a lot of people in the disability/ mental health community on here and active. Do you think it would be worth posting my stuff to here as well? Thanks

(no subject)

Date: 2016-09-22 05:05 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] supportcircle
Hey thanks for the info yes it does make sense to me! I've been hanging out on wordpress for a few years and do have a good amount of followers. I also have been on youtube. Youtube used to have a thriving MH community but then they changed and are more like a tv channel now with their adds and stuff. But anyway the more connections I can make the better. I don't know how accessible LJ is to the blind I'm totally blind and have a screen reader. But I will look into it and start up posting in this account geting all my interests listed and everything to see what connections I make. I've already connected with you so yay! My best friend has his blog on here now it's under blindjournalist

(no subject)

Date: 2016-09-23 12:06 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] supportcircle
Hey sadly about LJ they're really bad with people with disabilities. I guess they changed acccessibility on their site and so there is this captia that even captia solver programs can't solve so it's not blind friendly at all so no way to use it sadly! Yeah don't know how to make friends on word press although I do have a bunch of followers. Are you on any fb groups? I will start making entries cross posting from word press and you might want to connect with my friend his user name is blind journalist.

(no subject)

Date: 2016-09-23 12:23 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] supportcircle
Oh yeah I've seen that group! Am on a ton of FB mental health groups but they're either not active or it seems every person is in major crisis. Have also tried to start a number of groups but they never seem to take off. The only thing I have done that's been absolutely ground breaking so I'm told is starting up a yahoo group that moved to groups.io specific for anyone with mental illness who is blind or visually impaired. There has never been a space for us like it online. So yeah but I will join that group. Have heard another good one is called intersecting neurodiversity and sexaulity or something. A problem I've found on some mental health groups is their uncomfortable/ don't get other disabilities in addition to mental illness like the rest of the world LOL

August 2017

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