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I need something quick & easy to distract me from the funtimez of packing my whole life up, so an end-of-the-year meme it is!

Which TV shows did you start watching in 2015?

The Fall, Maron, Grace & Frankie, Six Feet Under, Treme, Master of None, Bring It, Fear the Walking Dead, & VEEP.

Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn't in 2015? Why?

I did mean to give iZombie a chance, but I just couldn't motivate myself. Same with Orphan Black.

Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2016?

I might give Six Feet Under another shot, depending on my state of mind.

Which TV show impressed you least in 2015?

That I actually watched? Probably the third season of Orange is the New Black.

Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2016 unless things significantly improve?

I'm not really at that point with any of my current shows.

Which TV shows do you think you’ll never let go of no matter how crappy they get?

The X-Files. Hands-down.

Your main fandom of the year?

Once more with feeling: The X-Files!

Your favourite film you watched this year?

"When the Levees Broke." A truly excellent documentary--incredibly thorough & ambitious in scope--and one which touched me on a very deep level. I was crying so hard at one point that I had to actually pause it. I'm so glad I watched it though, even if it was hard at parts to stomach, because now I feel like I have a much better understanding of what happened, and what is still happening there.

Your favourite book read this year?

Yeahhh, about that. I didn't actually finish any books this year.

Your favourite TV show of the year?

Of all time? The X-Files. Currently on air? The Fall. Brooklyn 99 has proven to be consistently delightful as well.

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

Does having to get rid of my cable count? Because it seriously interfered with my fangirling.

Your biggest squee moment of the year?

Hearing that The X-Files was coming back, easily, followed by the news of Gilmore Girls' return.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

I do miss the Bones fandom, back when the show didn't suck monkey balls.

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

I think I answered this question in a previous meme, but I'll play along. Probably Rizzoli & Isles. I don't watch it anymore, but I would be interested in writing fic for it possibly.

Your biggest fan anticipations for the coming year?

Five words: I still want to believe.
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So I'm up early this morning, and I decided I needed a project to occupy my mind while I anxiously await meeting with my prospective new roommate later today. I haven't done a yearly soundtrack since 2011 (2012 came along with all its grief, and I just couldn't stand to put together a list of depressing songs right then. After that I simply got out of the habit, I guess), but it feels appropriate to do one for 2015.

There are 33 songs here (fitting, since I'm 33 years old) -- some of them were chosen simply because I liked them, some because I listened to them a lot, some because they represent something about this year to me (bonus political tangents included at no cost to you! Topics will include the Black Lives Matter movement, the legalization of same-sex marriage, and gun violence/terrorism), and others because they were shared with fics I wrote. As a heads-up: I'll just be linking to the songs vs. embedding them, so your browsers can thank me later. Also, these are in no particular order except for the final choice.

P.S. Even if you don't have time to listen to these, let me know in the comments what you think of my choices & feel free to share some of your own picks too.

Life has a melody )
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I have a lot of RL stuff to talk about, from recent adventures with panic attacks (back like a blast from the past), even worse money problems (just when I think I can start to get my bearings, the ground beneath me gets swept away again), family issues, health issues (guess who's taking antibiotics for the fifth millionth time this year?), and my neurologist trying to dump me as a patient because I'm too much work, but I only have a little time before I need to go see my therapist (still the intern -- my normal psych returns next week, thank God), so all that will have to wait. Maybe later today or tomorrow, just depending on how I feel. For now, I wanted to finish up my 30 topics for 30 days meme, since that's easy.

Days 20 through 30 )

I See You

Nov. 22nd, 2015 08:32 am
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I need to catch up on RL stuff, but I'm going over to my sister's soon to babysit my niece while she takes my nephew to the movies, so that will have to wait. I will say I had a special dinner/movie night with the kids here at my apartment last night, and it was a blast (despite some serious anxiety before-hand). So I'll be sure to have lots of cute kid stuff to talk about when I do get around to posting again.

For now, I have a new poem to share. As y'all know, I've already written about my mom, my dad, and the kids -- this time, I wrote about my sister & our relationship. She told me she read it at her job and had tears streaming down her face in front of everyone, so I feel like my work here is done. Haha.

P.S. Bonus points if you catch the X-Files quote.

P.P.S. I almost changed the ending, because I usually don't tell people things are going to be all right. No one can promise that. And even if they do end up okay, they can then become *not* okay again soon after. It's not like "okay" is just a finish line you cross in life, and then you're done. There's no such thing as "happily ever after," I've learned. But I feel like sometimes one needs to just say it anyway. One needs to hear it. And I figured it was my turn to be the one to do that -- maybe for both of us.

The truth is... )
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There's a meme going around my flist right now where people give you fandoms, & you give them 5-7 of your favorite episodes for that show in return, but rather than wait for comments that probably won't come, I'm just gonna be proactive & list my answers for my top 5 shows on my own. If there's an additional fandom you'd like to give me, though, then by all means feel free to leave me a comment and I'll do that show too. And, if you have time, let me know in the comments what your own favorite eps are! I had a ridiculously hard time narrowing mine down for these (especially Gilmore Girls, because I haven't watched it in a while), and you'll note that I cheated & went with ten for each. Heh. They're in no particular order, either, except for the first choice being #1.

The X-Files
-Bad Blood
-Paper Hearts
-Redux II
-Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose
-X Cops
-How the Ghosts Stole Christmas
-Beyond the Sea
-All Things

Battlestar Galactica

-Unfinished Business
-Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down
-The Hub
-Resurrection Ship Parts 1 & 2 (they count as one episode, because I say so!)
-Exodus Parts 1 & 2
-The Oath/Blood on the Scales (again, they go together!)
-Kobol's Last Gleaming Parts I & II
-Someone to Watch Over Me
-Taking a Break From All Your Worries


-The Woman in Limbo
-Aliens in a Spaceship
-The Man in the Bear
-The Man in the Fallout Shelter
-Two Bodies in the Lab
-Santa in the Slush
-The Goop on the Girl
-Mummy in the Maze
-The Doctor in the Photo
-Judas on a Pole

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

-Fear Itself
-This Year's Girl/Who Are You?
-Graduation Day Parts I and II
-Once More With Feeling
-The Body
-The Weight of the World

Gilmore Girls

-Last Week Fights, This Week Tights
-Forgiveness and Stuff
-The Lorelais' First Day at Yale
-Those Are Strings, Pinocchio
-That Damned Donna Reed
-The Fundamental Things Apply
-Scene in a Mall
-We Got Us a Pippi Virgin!
-Written in the Stars
-So...Good Talk
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I was tagged for this meme over at tumblr, and I thought it might be fun for my LJ friends to see it too. Everyone loves discovering new music, right?

The rules were to spell out your tumblr url using song titles, so technically I should've done rachg82, but I couldn't think of any songs starting with an 8 or 2, so instead I chose my header: Ramblings & Flailings. I've linked to each song for your ~convenience~ as well. (And yes, I realize now that "Long Walk" should be "A Long Walk," but cut me some slack)

Reckoning, Ani DiFranco
Across the Universe, The Beatles
Mississippi Goddam, Nina Simone
Benediction, Luke Sital-Singh
Laughing With a Mouth of Blood, St. Vincent
It's Not Up To You, Bjork
Never Coming Home, Crossfade
Ghost, Indigo Girls
Suzanne, Leonard Cohen

American Pie, Don McLean
Numb, Pet Shop Boys
Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan

Failure, Laura Marling
Long Walk, Jill Scott
Adagio For Strings, Samuel Barber
Icicle, Tori Amos
Landslide, Fleetwood Mac
I Come Home, Catherine Feeny
Nights in White Satin, The Moody Blues
Get By, Talib Kweli
Summertime Sadness, Lana Del Rey
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Title: Shouting Into a Hurricane
Fandom: The X-Files
Author: [personal profile] rachg82
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Mulder/Scully
Word Count: 4,600 words
Spoilers: Oh, yes. This entire thing is simply my speculation based solely on the spoilers that have come out for the upcoming revival. Consider yourselves warned.
Summary: Happily-ever-after sometimes comes with a detour.

Note: As with my previous stories, this piece was written largely in free-verse. Not to be pretentious, but because my brain is a weirdo, basically. Just go with it.

Also, I originally intended for this fic to go on longer than it did. Then I realized that I'd already written its ending, and that what remained would be better suited as a sequel. So hopefully that should be on its way soon-ish.

Life will find a way )
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I wrote a poem for my niece recently, but that one was meant to be read by her when she's older. She's been calling herself "stupid" a lot lately, and commenting that people don't really love her, so I felt the need to write her something she could understand NOW that might help counter-act those sentiments.

My sister said it *almost* made her cry (she held the tears back), ha, so I feel like I at least achieved something! But what I'm really hoping is that it has a positive impact on Izzie when she hears it.

Once upon a time... )
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Well, last night I tapered my dose of Trazadone down to only 50 mg (as planned with my psych), and I think I got like 5-ish hours sleep again? I feel so tired that my eyes hurt, but I just can't fall back asleep. So annoying. I hope I can adjust to sleeping without its help quickly. I NEVER used to struggle with insomnia like this when I was younger (I was like a hibernating bear back then -- my problem was sleeping TOO much) so it completely throws my entire day off. And I woke up with my head hurting, but I'm trying to avoid taking any imitrex today since I've already taken it so many days in a row (if you take it too much, it backfires & can cause rebound headaches. Plus, I finally started my period, and I may need the few injections I have left more later this week than I do right now. I'm hurting, but it's tolerable for the moment), so I took excedrin instead, but of course that has enough caffeine in it to make me an annoyingly alert zombie, soooo...you see my predicament. Yes, I could've just taken tylenol or advil alone, but have you met my pain? It laughs in the face of both. Which is discouraging, because I do plan on trying to taper down to only tylenol soon -- and then from there try to only take tylenol/other pain meds 2-3 times per week so as to cut back on any possible rebound effect (either after my period, if I can do it on my own, or with a tapering schedule after I see my neurologist next & can discuss it with him, which isn't until the end of November, but the point is I need to try again soonish, if only because I'm not *supposed* to be taking nsaids after my stomach surgeries, and certainly not at the rate at which I take them. I worry about getting new ulcers almost on a daily basis at this point, and this whole year my migraines have been utterly unmanageable, worse than any year before, so I need to try SOMETHING new in addition to other efforts like maybe more prophylactic medications & physical therapy/massage/acupuncture/whatever.) I don't even want to think about how much pain I might be in when I do this (or for how long -- who knows how quickly the body would adjust to such a change after decades of daily OTC pain meds); I just have to focus on the possibility that it might help in the end. Like, maybe I'd still have constant migraines (the way I did as a teenager, which is why I started taking excedrin every morning in the first place), but they won't interfere with my life as severely/frequently? You never know.

As for how I'm doing psychologically today, I don't really know yet. But y'all know I'm gonna talk about it anyway! (tw for non-explicit discussion of suicidal thinking & urges to self-harm) )
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My subject heading today comes to you courtesy of The Nightly Show, which I think has been killing it lately. It's also one of the few things making me happy these days, so A+ to that. Other things bringing me joy at the moment, amidst my fall winter of discontent include:

1. All-day breakfast at McDonalds. I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS.

2. Waking up to a kudos on one of my fics & an email complimenting me on another.

3. My nephew getting three Cs & three As on his progress report. A year ago, he couldn't even meet expectations in ANY subject. Now he is not only meeting them in half his classes, he's *exceeding* them in the other half.

4. The hilarious things that come out of my niece's mouth. Yesterday, she kept holding her hand up to her mom & saying, "STOP. You are DIPPING MY BUCKET, Mom!" Apparently, in her class they have this thing about how you can either "fill someone's bucket" or "dip it," and my sister was totes dipping it. She also exclaimed that it had been THE WORST DAY OF [HER] LIFE!!! I love how dramatic she already is. LIFE IN FIRST GRADE IS HARD, OKAY?

5. Scream Queens. "Climb, you armless bastard!" Also? "Thank you for that announcement that no one cared about." SUCH a quotable show, I swear. And that promo! "Enjoy being dead!" Haha. Best eulogy ever or best eulogy ever?

Aside from the above things, however, my mood is pretty much shit. Like I feel as if the above affect of excitement is almost fake, it's so forced. I mean, those things DO make me happy, but it's like a firecracker that fizzles out before it even explodes. Like a cheerleader with only one pom-pom, going, "Yay?" My mood is just so low this week, and so listless, and I can't seem to snap out of it. I've been spending hours in bed every day, and I hope it's just PMS, and that raising the Seroquel will help soon (along with getting through these hormones), but I don't know. Part of it is that I also just don't feel well (PMS migraines -- they're persistent as fuck), but it's not like I haven't been in much, MUCH worse pain before and still fought it off so I could at least watch some TV. But now I have to fight off the pain AND the total paralyzing emotional dullness I'm experiencing and all my distracting worries/anxiety + inability to focus very well, and it's just overwhelming. Maybe I could fight it better if it were only one of those things, but when you combine them, it's extremely hard. And so I end up in bed, just staring at nothing, and worrying over whether this will improve soon or just get even worse, and angsting over my inability to do more about it or even write more than a paragraph a day on my fic before I feel like I can't go on, & how my To-Do List is not getting crossed off at all & whether THAT inaction will make it worse too. My counselor keeps telling me how you have to "act" your way out of depression, how that's "the only way", but it's just making me feel even worse about how stuck I feel, and how I can't seem to follow her advice. It's like, "I SHOULD be able to get myself to do the fucking dishes AND take out the trash! I can't even do one of those things yet today! And I need to look up apartments again, because turns out Joe expects me to still be exploring that option too, but just the idea makes me want to burrow my head in the ground. FUCK."

Overall, I feel like she's better than my last counselor, but when it comes to motivating me, she's not helpful so far -- she's harmful. He would have me plan just one or two goals for each day, and make me feel good if I accomplished ANY of them. She just makes me feel bad for feeling bad & not being able to ~push through it~, y'know? And when I told her the other day how lonely I was feeling, she kept going on & on about how I needed to join groups & start on a dating site, and just force myself to go places like one forces themselves to go to the gym, even if I didn't feel well or like I could, and I had to give her the same "migraines don't always work that way" lecture I give every other ignorant-ass person who's convinced they already totally "get" migraines WHEN THEY TOTALLY DON'T + explain the spoon theory to her. I get tired of having to explain chronic pain to people who should've already been fucking educated on the matter. It's like we're having two different conversations; I'm on one side, talking about how lonely I am, and how discouraging it is that I rarely feel good enough to do anything with other face-to-face human beings (especially since people aren't talking to me online as regularly), and how my previous efforts at making irl friends have usually failed anyway, and she's on the other side, talking about how you "can't give up!" and need to just "get out more!" It's like, "Would you care to join me here in Reality Land? Because I'm not saying I don't want to try at all, but you need to understand that, right now, just me getting out of bed long enough to write an LJ entry and maybe do one other thing--e.g. watch something on netflix, walk to the store, etc...--is an accomplishment for the day & generally the most I can handle. I am not even remotely in the right head-space to date at the moment, and I'd appreciate if you would honor my feelings on that instead of reminding me that I'm ~not going to meet anyone in my apartment.~ DON'T YOU THINK I ALREADY KNOW THAT?" For what it's worth, she did accept what I said eventually, but I don't like having to argue with my freaking counselor about my own limitations. Just fucking help me find hope & work WITHIN them rather than wasting my time & making me feel even more ashamed for not being able to exceed them. Ugh. Why does every psychologist assume they know what you're capable of more than you do? Why don't any of them ever start by ASKING you what you feel capable of, and go from there? My old counselor did the same thing to me on the 4th of July, and it's mega annoying to be going through the same learning curve with someone new. It frustrates me too that she was saying the "only way" to fight depression is to act your way out of it. You do also have to work on your cognitive stuff & get your meds right too, ffs. But you can't work on your cognitive stuff if you're not starting from a place in the real world, y'know? It's like in that Hyperbole and a Half comic about depression, where everyone's trying to help her with her dead fish by being like, "I'll help you find them!" and "why don't you try making them NOT dead?" People just keep throwing solutions at you for a different problem than the one you have & then getting frustrated with you for not jumping on them. She even implied that THAT is why my online friends haven't been talking to me as much. It's not fair. I kind of feel like I'm on my own right now, like I need to guide my therapist before she can guide me. That's not my damned job.

Anyway, that's all for now. I just feel lost right now, guys, and like I can't think straight.


Oct. 17th, 2015 03:19 pm
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I've had writer's block for weeks now, but after talking about it with my counselor yesterday (we didn't have an appointment, but she was there & had a free hour when I picked up my meds), I suddenly felt inspired to write another poem. It's more of a letter to my niece's future self than a straight-forward poem, though, but I wrote it in free verse, so call it what you want.

Fair warning, it is pretty cheese-tastic because of all the cheerleading involved. But what girl doesn't need some cheerleading in her life?

Dear Isabella )
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Not counting the day of my last entry, I've still been sleeping ridiculous amounts lately. And when I'm not sleeping, I don't feel like doing much beyond lying in bed thinking the same thoughts over & over & vaguely listening to orchestral music anyway. I *want* to want to do more, like I really miss the energetic flow of creative writing as just one example (and I feel terrible for not having spent more time with the kids this whole year as another), but the motivation, focus, & momentum just aren't there. I know sometimes you need to start before the momentum can reveal itself (i.e. it's easier to keep doing something than begin doing something), but almost everything is making me want to go hide in bed, including trying to narrow my thoughts down enough to write even one sentence of my fic. And I'm so wiped out, physically, and rarely feel good. So I get easily exhausted. I just don't have the necessary number of spoons, as they say.

Part of me is worried this means I'm slipping back into a deeper depression, though, and that I need to Do Something right away to halt its progress, but the other half is attributing it to all the recent stress/change/uncertainty I've been experiencing & is saying to just give it time & be easy on myself (because I'm already doing something, going to therapy & talking to my psychiatrist about it). Basically, to let it be for now, and lower my expectations as far as my activity levels go until things settle down more, and I get back into a routine & feel like I know what to expect around the corner again (not that I've ever fully had this, but right now things are especially uncertain, thanks to the financial situation; plus, as far as changes go, just having to try to keep up with my cable shows online is still throwing me for a loop--e.g. simply watching The Nightly Show on my laptop every morning & not my TV messes with the daily routine I had going, and it legit bothers me--so you can imagine how the looming prospect of moving my entire home God-knows-where is affecting me -- it's paralyzing). Like today, for instance, maybe it's enough that I'm out of bed, just for now, & writing this, especially since I'll be going out later to pick up my psych meds. Y'know, going back to when I used to set my daily goal as just doing one or two things. But I can't stop feeling bad for feeling bad, basically. And worrying that I'm not doing enough to fight it. Sometimes it's really hard to tell where self-care ends & apathy begins. Like when your mind is saying, "Everything is overwhelming today. Please go lie down, relax, and minimize external & internal stimulation until further notice," but then it's also like, "but don't forget to feel guilty for doing so, because you could totally be worsening your depression, you lazy asshole. Way to avoid life & make it even MORE certain that you'll die alone. YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO, Y'KNOW, SADFACE MCGEE. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN TOOK A SHOWER?!"

That's the other thing -- I don't even know whether "sadface" does my current state of being justice. If I allow myself to really think about things, then yes, I am sad. Deeply so. Enough to where, if I simply consider how I'll never talk to my mom again while I'm alive, it *physically hurts*. It's unbelievable how much it still hurts after all these years, once I touch on that nerve. But it's like I have to actually concentrate to reach down far enough inside to even skim the surface of that sadness & grab onto those thoughts. Piled above them is layer upon layer of thick nothingness in every direction. Everything, even paying attention to a TV show I'd normally be interested in, takes so much effort, and I usually don't have it in me. It all generally feels hopeless & meaningless. Just writing this feels like a huge chore, and I keep having to nudge myself to continue vs. returning to bed.

My psychiatrist changed my meds though, and hopefully that helps. I'll be increasing the Seroquel while (finally) tapering off the Trazadone (which I was taking for sleep). Depending on how I feel, I could up the Seroquel all the way to 300 mg, like I did in the past, or I could stop at 200 or 250. I just don't want my brain to do that thing it sometimes does where the heavy numbness of my depression gets better, only so my anxiety can be like, "OH, WHAT'S THAT? IT'S MY TURN NOW? WOOHOO!" For the record, I way prefer this slow-death-of-the-soul type of detached depression to the jittery, dread-filled agitation of CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP anxiety. Of course the worst thing is when they pair up & tag-team you simultaneously, but let's just pray none of the above takes place, and that I actually get better & stay better long enough to appreciate it for once.

In other news, my sister's place continues to be Spooky Central. My nephew woke my sister up screaming the other night, and he told her he'd seen a ball of light move back & forth between her room & his before hearing a fucking growl coming from Izzie's room. It's not the first time someone's heard a growl there, either, and the other time happened when everyone was wide-awake (I blame it on the "shadow figure" that seems to have followed them to every place they've ever lived--the same one Jayden used to talk to as a toddler--and which I've CLEARLY seen with my own eyes -- I'll never forget that, because it was so clear that I asked my sister if Lance was home, but he wasn't. I've been telling her forever that I think it's something negative). He also said that Ziggy (their cat) jumped right up and looked over in that direction all On Alert as if he'd heard it too. Meanwhile even my sister said the room had turned freezing when it wasn't remotely cold outside. It took a long time for her to calm him down, and he actually asked her to find someone professional to come & help (she emailed a paranormal team, but hasn't heard back yet. I straight-up told her to contact a priest, because I don't mess around, haha. No, but seriously, she believes in Christianity, and I think faith holds power -- so basically whatever you believe, you should use it. She's worried that might make it worse though, like it'll piss this entity off or something. I told her to find a medium in that case, but she's still hemming & hawing over that too. I ended up kind of lecturing her about it, honestly, like, "don't procrastinate on this. Your kids are terrified in their own home, too scared to sleep in their own beds, and it's only getting worse, not better. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." FFS.) Poor kid was so scared he asked her to call me, which both melted & broke my heart at the same time. Unfortunately, it was the middle of the night at this point, so I slept through them calling, but I told him later I'd start sleeping with my cell phone next to my bed (because it wakes me up), so if he needed me again, he could get a hold of me that way. Not that I can fix the problem for him, but if he's scared & feels like talking to me will help, then I want to be there for him.

Because the kids are crazy though, they still want to visit a ~haunted house~ this year. I'm like, "Just go home; there's your haunted house for real." But apparently a fake one sounds more fun, heh. So my sister and I are planning on finding a super mild kids' one to take them to, if possible, on Saturday night. Then we're going to do the pumpkin hunt on Sunday (we didn't do it last weekend because she got sick). Apparently they both cried recently over missing me, which makes my guilt like ten million times worse for being so absent as of late, but hopefully spending some quality time with them will help ameliorate that & maybe cheer me up as well.
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I am super fatigued feeling, but haven't been able to really stay asleep since late last night. Well, I CAN, but only for relatively short periods of time, like I have one foot still squarely in the door to Sleepy Town (enough to make me feel like I could nod off at any second just sitting here, but even once I do go lie down, I wake back up maybe twenty minutes later, tops), & the other is busy tying its shoe laces & staring at me all expectantly like a hyped-up dog anticipating its morning walk -- basically, trying to be patient & failing miserably. "WE HAVE STUFF TO DO TODAY, RIGHT? RIGHT? 'CAUSE, LIKE, JUST LOOK HOW MY TAIL IS WAGGING. AND I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF TREES OUT THERE JUST BEGGING TO BE PEED ON. LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD, YO!"

To be fair, I'd been sleeping excessively most of the last couple weeks before this, so maybe I was bound to hit a night of insomnia eventually. Or it could also be that I'm planning on visiting a pumpkin patch with my sister & her kids today, and so I was anxious about that while going to bed (i.e. I was worried about sleeping in late or waking up feeling sick in some way, either from a migraine or from the awful abdominal cramping I've been having every morning since my mom's birthday<--*but not yet today, fingers crossed*). I've felt a lot of pressure to make it to this outing, most especially since the kids have made it *crystal* clear that they expect me to be there (I don't want to disappoint them again, plus this has become a tradition for us. Halloween is kind of our thing. I always go to pick out pumpkins with them, and then we go back to their place & carve them into jack-o-lanterns together while Corinne paces in the background & wrings her hands over the giant mess we're making. "YOU GUYYYYYS, THESE SEEDS ARE GETTING EVERYWHERE!!!"), so it makes sense that I might be stressed out enough by that pressure to not sleep well the night before. Still annoying though.

Speaking of the kids, here's a couple fun tidbits for y'all:

-Remember the "friend" Jayden was texting? Well, he informed my sister the other day that he now has a "girlfriend." She asked him how the conversation went down which gave him this idea, and he was like, "She told me she liked me, but that she didn't want it to get in the way of our friendship." So my sister asked him what he said in response to that, and he said, "I told her it wouldn't." And like THAT WAS IT. Haha. My sister had to explain to him why that simple exchange didn't make them boyfriend/girlfriend, and that he should actually, y'know, TELL the girl he likes her back. Then he got mad at her for killing his buzz, essentially. Heh. Oh, Jayden.

-Isabella is NOT GIVING UP on my sister having another baby, lack of uterus be damned. She continues to interrogate her as to WHY she can't just adopt, and WHY she can't just use me as her surrogate (like, do I get a say in this matter? Hee). She is seriously determined.

Moving on, I met with a mortgage broker & my step-dad this week, and it turns out my credit isn't as bad as Joe thought it would be. That mystery!credit card actually helped, even though I wasn't using it -- go figure. And even though I haven't been paying my student loans for quite some time, I've been keeping them current with the necessary documentation (based on my income, I don't have a monthly payment), so that's helped too. What's hurt me is the $15,000 in medical bills I have floating around out there in collections, but apparently they tend to kind of ignore those. What's really helped me is that I resisted the urge to get credit cards when most of my peers were getting them, because I knew I wasn't responsible enough to stay debt-free at the time if I had the option to charge shit whenever I wanted/needed. That was a smart move on my part to wait. I've also never leased a car, so I couldn't get behind on my payments for that either. Of course the con to those pros is that I have a lack of established credit, but still. Point is, while it wouldn't be easy, it is actually possible for me to get a loan for a condo all on my own, though it'd probably be for like $80k at the most, and I could only afford that every month if there weren't any HOA fees attached (whatever those are).

The other condo-getting options would be as follows:

-Wait a few months while I use the credit card specifically to build up my credit score, & try to raise it enough to qualify for 5% down (again, whatever that means, haha. All this real estate/mortgage shit goes RIGHT over my head).

-Get Joe to cosign on a loan for me, allowing me to qualify for more expensive housing (but in turn meaning I'd be even more likely to need his help every month, which fwiw he's willing to do. He says he'd rather help me financially if it means me building equity & owning my own home than just me renting & throwing my money away. Obviously I'd rather not be dependent on him in that way though. The ultimate goal is for me to find a place I can afford on my own every month, regardless of whether he cosigns on the loan itself, but the option is there if I need to take it).

-Joe buys a second house all on his own & then rents it to me at whatever price we agree upon. If we went with this arrangement, I'm sure the end-game would still be for me to own it eventually, but probably not until I've paid him a certain amount (or he dies & leaves it to me, whichever).

Per my counselor's advice, I asked Joe if he expected anything in return for all this help & confirmed that he would've told me upfront if that'd been the case. I'm glad I got that issue out of the way, so now I won't be angsting over paying him back, and I know he's not going to expect that I take his advice on getting back to work or something else (along that line of thought, he had an idea involving me working for him on some side-business with ebay, and I declined the offer because it would've involved me coming over to his house every day--something I couldn't be relied upon to manage, given my current state of health, not even touching on the emotional ramifications of seeing him on a daily basis--and he accepted my answer without argument). He says he just wants to help, and in this case, I do believe him. If anything, it makes him out to be the Good Guy, the hero, the proper Father Figure, and I know that's a role he wants to be seen as embodying (particularly by the rest of the family), even if his actions haven't always reflected those qualities. I'm still trying to maintain emotional boundaries & keep my guard up though (example: I felt an urge to give him a hug when he dropped me off at home after the meeting, as if the last five & a half years had never happened, but I held back because--like it or not--THEY DID HAPPEN). It's just something I'll continue to have to work on, and I know it won't be easy. But I'm still thankful for the help, and I won't lie -- it is helping me work on my forgiveness towards him. Like, okay, so you traumatized me, and you clearly have a part of you that's sick, and that will never be okay, but now you're helping me get my own home & asking for nothing in return? I miiiight be willing to call that shit even, but only what's *already taken place*. Any possible lecherous behavior in the future will be dealt with on its own terms, which is why I don't want to be dependent on him every month. But I'm jumping ahead, as usual. One step at a time. First things first, I wait for the broker to look into some options on his end, and then he'll get back to us and we'll know more.

Lastly, I'll try to come back tonight or tomorrow with pictures from our pumpkin adventure & maybe even some fic recs.
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I plan on doing a short RL post in a bit, but first I wanted to take a moment to celebrate my BFF's birthday & share the cheese-tastic poem I wrote her as a cheapskate gift.

A little over thirteen years ago, on the exact day I was supposed to return to work (after an involuntary months-long hiatus caused by my social anxiety disorder/panic attacks, which were severe & debilitating at the time) a lurker with whom I'd never spoken before sent me an email just to let me know she was there & that she cared. Here's an excerpt of what she wrote (even then, she knew exactly what I needed to hear):

"…I read what you write. Based on what I've
read, I think you're intelligent and witty and sweet and SO strong.
I've never talked to you directly, but I'd notice if you disappeared
suddenly. I'd notice, and I'd care.

And I understand how you feel, so I have no place to spout cliches or
mumble about it getting better because while I can hope that it will,
I have no idea.

And you've obviously been through a lot, probably more than I can
imagine, so any advice I might have would most likely sound
presumptuous and condescending.

But, for what it's worth? I notice your presence, and I care. You're
certainly not alone, and although you may feel inferior to anyone and
everyone (I know I do), I can tell you with absolute certainty that
you seem superior to at least 95% of those I've encountered while
being alive.

And I hope things get better for you, because you deserve better."

No one had ever said something so nice to me before that email, and only a few people have ever said anything so kind to me since. It meant more than she probably could've realized, especially since I received it *right* as I was nervously getting ready for my shift (it totally bolstered my confidence levels & made that night a million times easier). It was the beginning of the closest friendship I've ever had, with her having my back over & over again as I've gone through various challenging experiences (most of which would've sent lesser friends packing, lbr), and I honestly don't know where I'd be if she hadn't mustered up the courage to de-lurk & send me that email that day. Not only would I have missed out on knowing her, but I would've missed out on the experiences we had together as roommates (of both the fun & learning varieties + it's important to note that it basically saved my life, getting me out of my mom's house when we did, and I don't know how much longer it would've taken me to do that without having my best friend as a roommate to assist me emotionally in the endeavor), and there's a good chance I never would've made my way onto LJ or into creative writing, etc... Whatever my life would've looked like without her, I'm glad I didn't have to find out.

So here's to saying how you feel, even when you're afraid--even when it's to a stranger--because you never know what reaching out might turn into. And here's to soul-mates of the platonic variety, the kind that movies & TV ignore & neglect all too frequently, but which give meaning & joy to an otherwise all-too-often bleak existence.


Dear Jen/[profile] dosidella/Jenna/not!Jennifer,

I remember that,
when we first met,
we used to joke about being each others' brain twins.

The truth is,
I've always thought of you more
as one of my soul-mates --
not the kind who kiss & cuddle
and whisper sweet nothings to one another
(you've got Kevin for that, fortunately;
I could never handle being around so many vegetables,
let alone your fannish fervor for Doctor Who --
I might use a tardis blanket to strangle you in your sleep),
but the kind who speak the same language
with minimal effort -- a native tongue
that goes deeper than words.

In some ways,
we are so different.

And yet...

You understand me
when I don't understand myself.

You hold up a steady mirror
that shows me, without equivocation,
a pretty picture
of my own inner truth.

The me that you see.

When I need to speak,
you listen.

When there are no words,
you sit comfortably beside me in the silence,
thousands of miles apart,
but inches apart in spirit.

When I am my own worst enemy,
you are my staunchest defender.
You accept my eccentricities without judgment,
because you already sense
how my puzzle pieces fit together
and which ones have long since
gone missing.

You can appreciate the big picture
that is my wild mind,
yet still keep track of the details.

When I am lost, you help point the way
even if you too have lost your map.

I rarely feel that I need to explain myself to you,
but if I want to,
you will let me,
because you get
that I'm really speaking to myself.

(You are the mediator in nearly all my affairs.)

It hasn't always been simple,
but it's always been worth it.

are worth it.

I hope when I am old,
we can have wheelchair fights in the sterile hallways
of our futuristic nursing homes.
I'll be Anya; you be Jen.

(You're not much of an Andrew, after all)

Sometimes I worry that we'll drift apart,
now that our lives have gone in such different directions,
but we both know that all relationships,
even friendships, take work.

And anyway,
our bond holds us together,
So it doesn't really feel like work,
which is good,
because I sure as hell am not getting paid for this.

I still remember the shy, insecure thing you used to be.
Somehow you've evolved into a confident & capable mother --
someone I might even call a grown-up
if I believed in such a thing.

Truthfully, your children are lucky to have you.
I am lucky to have you.
The world
is lucky to have you.

Don't ever forget it.

Now, I'm sure you're probably gagging
from all this syrupy saccharine-infused affection,
so I will only ask you to hold on for one more sentence:

Happy Birthday, Jen.


rachg82: (Default)
Credit for my subject heading today goes to the latest episode of Scream Queens, which continues to be delightfully awful in an irresistibly self-aware fashion. I'm not sure how long they can keep this perfect balance of crack & meta-liciousness up, but for now it gives me something laugh-out-loud funny to look forward to every week, and I appreciate that a lot.

In other TV news:

-I haven't actually read any of the reviews for the first episode of the XF revival (I'm already spoiled enough), but the vibe I've gotten is that they've been surprisingly positive across-the-board. That makes me really excited, ngl. I'm aware that I should know better by now than to trust Carter, but I can't help it. I'll probably forever be that show's loyal lap dog.

I've started my next XF fanfic, but I've only gotten a few hundred words written so far. All the stress of the last few weeks has left me feeling pretty scatterbrained & blocked creatively. Hopefully I can push through it soon & start making some progress again because I miss having that outlet.

-I put the show Treme on hold at the library today. I'm kinda going in blind, because I haven't really heard anything about it from anyone, but I know the makers of The Wire are behind it, so that's got to count for something. Despite the fact that I never went all fangirl over The Wire, I can still say without hesitation that it's one of the smartest shows I've ever seen as a whole. On a sociological level, it was straight-up delectable. And for someone like me, who revels in seeing a subject thoroughly & patiently explored from a variety of angles, it doesn't get much more satisfying. Fingers crossed Treme follows in its footsteps.

In RL news:

-The musical hallucinations have all but gone away again (they still pop up very faintly for a minute or two when I go to bed, but otherwise they seem to have disappeared[/knock on wood]), but my body is clearly still having a heightened stress reaction, because my stomach hasn't stopped cramping yet. Consequently, I feel really dehydrated & fatigued, and it's zero amounts of fun. I made an appointment to see a doctor about it tomorrow though, so hopefully they can give me something more powerful than Imodium to make it stop. As a result though, I'll have to cancel my physical therapy appointment again, which sucks. Maybe I'll get lucky & the cramping will stop by tomorrow morning, and then I won't have to miss it. We'll see. All I ate today was chicken noodle soup, though, so it's certainly not anything I'm eating that's causing the problem.

-I'm going with my step-dad to meet with a mortgage broker tomorrow, because it's cheaper now to own your own home & pay a monthly mortgage/taxes than it is to rent around here. It was Joe's idea, and since my credit is so lousy, it'd probably only work if he was willing to co-sign the loan or something similar (and even then I'm not sure if it would work, but the point is we're going to find out). I'm pretty sure that's what he's planning on doing (if he can) anyway, just based on what he's said to my sister about it (and yes, she is admittedly jealous of the help he's giving me, but fwiw, she's going to get his house when he dies, and she says she understands that I need the help more than she does right now). Basically, the game-plan would be to look for a condo that's $100k or less, so that what I pay every month all together wouldn't be more than what I was paying before this, but because I own the home, I wouldn't have to worry about the rent going up every 6-12 months. The price would be locked in. I've looked up homes in the area, and there are A LOT of condos for around that price (and even less in some cases), so if we can get the loan, it actually looks like a feasible option. I'm just worried my step-dad's credit + my credit won't be good enough, or that we won't be able to find one that will work for me (e.g. one that's not falling apart, and which is close to a grocery store & on a good bus or max line, etc...). But he already told me, if this option doesn't work, then he'll continue helping me pay my rent until I receive rental assistance from the state (with Section 8 or HUD) or find an "affordable" apartment. In the meantime though, I'm not signing a lease at my current place (which my apt manager is okay with -- I have the feeling her bosses are telling her to do whatever she can to get rid of people in the long-run, basically, so they can renovate or something), so I do feel terribly uncertain about what to expect over the next few months. I hate not knowing what's about to happen. And to be fair, no one really knows what's about to happen, but I hate not even having the *illusion* of knowing.

-In preparation for my meeting tomorrow, I got my credit report (the debt from medical bills alone is horrific), and I found out that, when I signed up for a "Fred Meyer reward card" last year (what was explained to me as a simple grocery rewards thingie), it also signed me up for a credit card. It only has a $500 limit, but still. So I'm having a replacement card sent out to me. My first-ever credit card, folks! And it only took me until I was 33 years old.

-I found out I do still have to pay for my own internet, despite using Joe's wifi for cable (which so far hasn't worked, because my mac's OS is too old to update flash, but if he gets me a used laptop like he said he might, then I could theoretically use it to watch cable on my TV), but as soon as I get my magic jack in the mail, I'm going to cancel my landline, which will save me roughly $40/month. Every little bit counts.

-I was a half-hour late to my psychology appointment today, because I got the time wrong in my head (and slept in), but I did at least get to talk over the Step-dad Situation with her a bit. I was worried she'd try to discourage me from accepting his help, but she was supportive & basically just said what I'd already been thinking -- that I'd just have to work on my triggers/trauma/boundaries more, and keep working with her to process some of the conflicted feelings I have regarding maintaining a friendly (but guarded) relationship with him (especially one where I feel beholden to him) & what it means in our case to forgive but not forget. It's still very emotionally confusing for me, but less so than it used to be.

-Isabella apparently has a boyfriend at daycare now, with whom she walks around holding hands (*dies*), and Jay's been texting a girl from school (but claims that they're "just friends". Uh-huh, suuuuure). What's funny though is that Jay's social skills are not exactly the best, so Corinne has to help him reply to her texts sometimes, haha (this isn't new, btw -- she's had to nag him for years just to reply when his friends text or call him). Like, she happened to look at his phone after this girl had asked him what he was doing, and of course Jay just gave her this closed response with like crickets chirping at the end, and Corinne had to remind him to ask her what SHE was doing. He was like, "I'm not good at this stuff, Mom!" Haha. Poor thing.

In other Jayden news, he calls everyone (including me, his sister, and his mom) "bruh" now. Also, he reportedly saw his bag of Doritos lift itself up and turn around in a perfect circle the other day, and it left him TERRIFIED. As in running-out-of-his-room-full-on-screaming terrified. I already told Corinne that, if I get a condo, I'm going to expect her to walk through it first & let me know if it's haunted. I do not want to munch on levitating snacks, thank you very much!
rachg82: (Default)
Next to no one seems to be on LJ this week, so I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself right now, but I'm sure people will read this eventually, so. I just need to vent, because thoughts are obsessively circling in my head on repeat, and mentally I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of maze. Everything is overly-complicated, and I don't know where I'm headed or what's around the corner.

cut for length )
rachg82: (Default)
I've been trying to write this entry off & on all day, but up until now I haven't been able to peel myself out of bed. Suffice it to say, I've received some bad news, and I'm not exactly functioning very well as a result. I kept having this feeling of aimless dread all week, which makes sense when you're experiencing anxiety, but it just wouldn't stop nagging me. I remember early yesterday thinking to God (sometimes I talk to Him in my head), "I feel like something bad is going to happen. I feel like I'm falling apart." It didn't help that the musical hallucinations had made a reappearance either -- albeit only when things were silent, but still. Then I started thinking about money, and my lease, and I had this sinking suspicion that it was ending. So I went & checked my copy of my agreement, and lo & behold, it ended in August. So I called my apartment manager, and she told me they'd sent me a letter (which I don't remember ever receiving) a month ago warning me that, if I renewed my lease, I would have to start paying $835/month starting in October. That's a rent increase of $190, people. And there was nothing she could do about it besides check with her bosses to see if I could at least stay until the end of the month if I paid my former rent.

So, my options are the following:

-find another apartment I can actually afford (looking very, very doubtful at the moment)
-work with a non-profit I contacted to help me find an apartment (also doubtful -- most of the places I can afford have waiting lists that are either closed or backed up 4-5 YEARS)
-move in with my sister and take over Izzie's (mostly) unused bedroom, paying her rent & trying to stay out of each others' way (hello, nightmare scenario -- I don't want to be there, and they don't want me to be there)
-pray for a miracle, e.g. DHS raises my food benefits in accordance with the new rent & then I find some magical way to afford to stay here (laughable)

Basically, in all likelihood I'm fucked. Royally. Not to mention, even if I do get my own apartment, I'm gonna need someone strong to help me move & set things up like my bed & TV, and that means either my sister's ex (who probably wouldn't know what he was doing) or Joe. I can't afford to pay people to do it. And did I mention I don't want to move, period? And that living way out in the middle of nowhere with my difficult sister and her ghosts is enough to make me feel suicidal? Right.

One way or another, I'll have more information on Monday, hopefully. In the meantime, I can't stop my brain from spinning. I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience, and every time I come close to feeling grounded again, I start panicking. I have not felt on the verge of snapping like this for a very long time, and it's not good. I'm trying to tell myself to have faith, but it feels like everything is collapsing, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through it.
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I don't have a huge amount to say today, but I felt like popping by & updating you guys on how my week has been thus far.

-My mom's birthday was really hard, but it got a bit easier in the evening after I spent an hour talking with Jen over the phone. I've still been thinking about her a lot since then though -- missing her in a very painful way, feeling guilty all over again for how things ended between us (I thought I was past this) + things I said which I wish I could take back...stuff like that. I've also been battling with a lot of anxiety (both of the specific-worry kind & the "WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY? MY LEG WON'T STOP BOUNCING! MY PULSE IS FREAKING ME THE FUCK OUT! MAKE IT STOOOOP!"-variety) + some depression, and my hormones have had my migraines attacking me pretty relentlessly (which only worsens my mental health further, which in turn causes stress, which then triggers even more intense migraines, which...you get the idea). So it's been a rough week, honestly. But I'm hanging in there. Just trying to use my coping skills & be gentle with myself for now.

-Despite how shitty I felt physically though, I still made it to see my psychologist yesterday. She wasn't able to wave a magic wand & free me from my unstable mood right then & there, of course (particularly since part of the problem is thanks to my period), but I do believe the session was helpful regardless, especially when it came to the guilt I mentioned above & conflicts I've been having with my sister.

-As for how she handled it, my sister told me the day of that she felt--and I quote--"crazy in the head." She also broke out in hives, which as far as I know has only happened to her once before (when I was first admitted to a psych ward). So at least I knew I wasn't alone in feeling affected.

I've had some physical symptoms of stress as well, not even including the migraines. Chills, flushing, cold sweats, abdominal cramping, and almost zero appetite. Fun, fun, fun! One night, I woke up and everything touching me *hurt*. I've always been sensitive to certain textures on my skin, but this was way worse than I'd ever experienced before. Just the cotton sheets touching my back felt sharp & painful. But I was violently shivering at the same time (it actually woke me up), so I had to just ignore the sensation until I finally got warm, which took over an hour with the heat on high. Then, just as quickly as it had started, it ended, and I was suddenly hot & sweating. I actually had to turn on my fan. I even took my temperature to see if I had a fever, but nope. Mind you, I could've had some type of bug, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was just the stress. It's unbelievable how it can fuck you up.

-Speaking of sickness, poor Isabella was sick with a fever that kept going away, then returning & spiking (as high as 103 degrees), for over a week. My sister took her into the doctor, and they determined she no longer has a bladder infection, but that she does have protein in her urine for some reason. It could've been caused by the illness, but she's had crystals in her urine before too (when she was neither sick nor had an infection), so just in case they're going to run some tests in a couple weeks to make sure her kidneys are all right. In the meantime, I'm just trying not to catastrophize about it, because the Nervous Nellie inside me has already started screaming that she's going to need a kidney transplant. Meanwhile, I'm sure she's totally fine.

-Jayden got a B minus in math & is so pleased with himself; it's pretty cute. He keeps asking my sister if she's proud of him, then going "yay!" when she says yes. I sent him an email congratulating him too. For someone with learning disabilities (in reading & math) who couldn't even meet average expectations in ANY of his subjects two years ago, a B minus shows real improvement. I have to admit it's a relief for me too, because while a B minus is objectively not THE VERY BEST (I would've cringed at that grade when I was a student), it does show that he has a good chance at catching up with his peers. I was worried that middle school might be too much for him (they were my hardest years academically), and that he'd just fall even further behind, so to see him doing the opposite makes me feel great, especially because I know how it'll bolster his self-esteem.

-It's my half-brother's 25th birthday tomorrow. I haven't seen him since he was 13. I have a lot of feelings about this, but I think I'll save them for next time.

-The newest X-Files trailer has essentially killed me. Just him kneading her shoulders, and the poster, and the pencils, and the "I'm here", and ~Don't give up~, and...I can't. My dashboard over at Tumblr basically exploded in one night, haha. Definitely the highlight of this week for me. I'd be all about writing my next XF fic (which will take place during the revival), but all the anxiety & migraines have been getting in the way. Hopefully I can make some progress with it soon though.

-I got my first-ever negative piece of feedback for one of my fics over at ff.net. This person was like, "Despite the odd formatting, moving narrative." I of course (in my head) was like, "BITCH, your face is odd! The formatting is intentional!!!" Sliiiiightly oversensitive to criticism over here. Gonna have to work on that, heh.

-I'm glad that the Pope has been outed (pun intended) for meeting with Kim Davis & acting like her bestie, because too many people (including me until I learned otherwise) have been under the impression that he's gay-friendly when he is anything but. Contradictory comments about "who am I to judge?" or not, he actively fights *against* marriage equality. Don't get me wrong -- he's still progressive by Catholic standards, and I like him a lot better than the last few popes, but he's not the second coming, and non-Catholic liberals need to stop turning him into some kind of saint. Leave that to the people who actually believe he's infallible.

-I didn't like the second episode of Scream Queens nearly as much as I did the pilot, but I still found it entertaining. I plan to keep watching for now.

-I'm not really digging Trevor Noah as host of The Daily Show yet. Fortunately, Larry Wilmore had kinda already filled the void Jon left behind for me anyway.

-In addition to one of my cousins, my grandma now supports Trump as well. I'm choosing to blame Rich White People Syndrome and senility. I wish I didn't have to know this information.

Aaand that's it for now, because my migraine is getting worse. STUPID BRAIN.
rachg82: (Default)

Technically, that's a picture of my mom on Christmas, but I felt it was still appropriate for the day because she's opening a present. Plus, she just looks so pretty & happy here. That's how I want to remember her.

If she'd lived, my mom would be turning 59 this year. But she's not here. I can't buy her some of her favorite perfume or give her a hug. I know it's just another day, and that--even if I do want to remember its significance--I could turn it into something positive by doing things she would've liked or thinking of fond memories we spent together, etc... But so far I've really been struggling. I spent several hours in bed this morning just crying & crying, unable to stop. My stomach's been upset ever since yesterday, too. Aaaand my head hurts, so I'm just winning in every direction here.

In reality, even if she'd lived, and even if I'd resumed contact with her as I think I eventually would have, I probably still wouldn't be seeing her today because, in all likelihood, she would still be with Joe, and I'd still be too traumatized to make seeing him a healthy thing for now. I'm not sure how rational it is, but even that makes me angry. The fact that I can't even daydream about ~what IF she were here~, because even then things would be fucked. And then I just start thinking about everything else that's gone wrong over the last five years, and I get even more depressed & more lonely, and ugh.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself -- trying to remind myself that it's okay if I can't put on a smile & actually *be* "okay" today, but it is frustrating. I just wonder when days like this will get easier.
rachg82: (Default)
Before I get into some TV thoughts & fanfic recs, I have one more funny kid story I forgot to share with you guys the other day (after which we're gonna avoid all RL talk for today, because RL-related matters are depressing & exhausting at the moment):

Sometimes Jayden likes to say super random things in an effort to frazzle me & catch me off-guard, and he did that when I saw him last, asking me, "Do you know what goats have?" Of course I replied, "Um, horns?" And he was like, "BALLS! They have goat balls!" I didn't miss a beat, & responded by asking him if he knew what girl goats had, and he suddenly looked Very Awkward and muttered something about "y'know, what girls have", waving his hand in the air & trailing off helplessly, not looking me in the eyes. So I helped him by adding, "VAGINAS, JAY. THEY HAVE GOAT VAGINAS. Va-jay-jays, if you will." Hahaha. Check & MATE, child. Don't mess with me. It was super funny though, because he looked so freaking embarrassed, and I was like, "Did I just traumatize you with the correct anatomical name for lady-parts?" And he was like, "Yes!" So I said, "Good, someday in therapy you can tell them how there was this one time you were talking about goats with your aunt, and..."

~Moving on~, let's talk about new TV for a sec, y/y?

First up, Fear the Walking Dead: cut for spoilers )

Next, Scream Queens: One word -- LOVE. As with Fear the Walking Dead, I didn't think I'd love it, but I do. I thought it would be *too* campy & cracky, but that's what makes it work. It is SO unabashedly absurd & satirical & tongue-in-cheek that, as a viewer, you totally give up taking it seriously & just enjoy how whacked-out it is. Also, Emma Roberts is perfect as Chanel -- total sociopath, but one you can't help but love to watch.

Any non-spoilery highlights? Why, yes, I'm glad you asked:

-Jamie Lee Curtis' character getting stoned & calmly saying, "I'm gonna barf on your face if you don't get out of here."

-"Everyone wants to get with me, okay? Women, men, animals at the zoo...plants, probably." And all the random comments about getting off on dead people! Hahaha.

-The Red Devil & that one victim texting each other during her murder scene -- I can't. AND UPDATING HER FACEBOOK STATUS WHILE DYING. I was laughing so hard.

-Chanel: "If anyone here's a crazed psychopath, it's obviously Neckbrace over there." Neckbrace: "Oh, my God, *thank you*."

...in a nutshell, it's delicious. So far, anyway.

And finally for the fanfic recs: This time we're going with Bones fics, and the theme will be "old-school stories" (i.e. all three were written no later than season 4):

-Lines (Make Me Want To Cross Them), nekare.

-Of Pumpkins and Glass Slippers, zerodetorres.

-From the Greek Paradeigma, Meaning Example, daygloparker

August 2017

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