rachg82: (topher remember)
I'm up late tonight, angsting over whether my unemployment claim will be successfully reopened and, if so, whether this last week will count, etc, and I figured it might be a good time to refocus my attention somewhere less crazy-making. I'm not going to know either way until Tuesday, so there's really no point in stressing (of course that's not going to stop me, but nevermind that). Especially since regardless of financial woes, today of all days is a giant reminder of one thing: at least I'm alive. I'm not always thrilled by that fact, but even so, right now? I'd prefer to be not dead. That might change a day from now, or a week from now, but *now* is where I am, so there you go.

And I know some would rather treat this like any other day, not make a production out of it, and I get that--and respect/don't judge it--but for me, I've always felt it was important to remember significant events when I can. Not as an obligatory type thing, but simply because it's just the way I am. I'm retrospective like that.

That being said, this is one of those entries where I almost feel like it cheapens things to allow comments. The post should just stand for itself. It's not looking for a response. Y'know?

Rather than come up with some poignant look back at the ten years that have passed, however, I'm just gonna keep it simple & type up my private diary entry from that day. I of course won't edit or correct anything, so bear that in mind. You're dealing with 19 year old Rachael here, not 29 year old Rachael. cut for those who'd rather skip )

Ending this, I will add at least one more thing: I watched a special last night on TLC about Frank De Martini and Pablo Ortiz, and I think of all the coverage I could've seen, that was the right pick. I've said before that 9-11 was like the best & worst of humanity, all put on film for the world to see, and those two men exemplify that. Simply because they were willing to face death, more than 70 others got to live. When you get past all the bullshit, all the douchery that the human race is capable of, it's good to remember that people can actually be that fundamentally kind.

I'll leave everyone now with one of my favorite songs, performed by the BBC orchestra on 9/15/01 in honor of those who died:

rachg82: (abed humbles me)
I've already polished off the first two discs of season 1. Considering I slept 14 hours last night, & all of my TV watching was done before going to bed? That says a lot. It has been such a pleasure catching up on all the episodes I missed last year. THIS SHOW IS SO GOOD, Y'ALL. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating at all here. It makes me crack up so hard that I have to wipe actual tears from my eyes, & I frequently have to press rewind because I was laughing too loud to hear the next thing they said. It's just hysterical and so, so clever. Especially if you enjoy the use of meta, pop cultural references, & smart, quirky humor like I do.

Also: cut for flailing )

Moving on, I thought I'd share some pics with you guys. I noticed another flistmate post stuff from her scrapbook, and it made me remember the one I created as a teenager. It includes some of my happiest memories, and it's kind of a time capsule unto itself. Those of you who've known me since the meta boards (i.e. since this journal first started in '02) will remember some of these pics, since I posted them on the old yahoo meta photo album, but for the rest of you these will be mostly new.

Also, consider this a reminder, [livejournal.com profile] huh920, that I'm still stalking you. Heh. I want everyone to post pics, damn't.

Scrapbook pics: Let's party like it's 1999 )

Before I go, I also came across a poem [livejournal.com profile] dosidella wrote & sent to me for my 21st birthday (a.k.a. in 2003), which was with my scrapbook but not pasted into it yet. For the sake of posterity, I thought I'd include it here as well. Best BFF ever, yo. excuse me while I get verklempt )

For my Vid of the Day, let's show some love to Troy. This one's by shoopdancer2504.

rachg82: (Default)
I'm going nutbars waiting for Bones to start, so I decided to write. Sometimes I get self-conscious about my personal writerly stuff though, particularly when I don't have any non-creative RL crap to go along with it as an excuse for posting (and it's not fanfic), so that's why I'm disabling comments. It's not that I don't want to let people comment--it's more so to prevent me from *caring* if people comment. I'm too sensitive & neurotic right now to be rational about it. Make sense?

I just want to get in the habit of letting myself write/feel things when they come up without caring about the response, in other words. Think of it as a practicey-slash-cathartic thing, but I'm still letting it be public 'cause that's just how I roll.

bla bla bla (note: this may or may not be triggery to those with ED issues) )
rachg82: (dollhouse dreams)
Writing is supposed to help when one is overwhelmed, right? So, I'm here. I feel bad for it though, so please feel free to just ignore this post if it's…I don't know. Whatever.

I want to think I'm fine, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I kind of think I'm not. I feel like August again. Like September. Like I'm sliding, falling. I look at the time & it's hard to breathe. There's too much time left. I've already wasted too much.

I want to snap out of this, because I was improving--hence the "but I'm really fine; I'll be okay. This is just a temporary setback. I'm probably about to start my period"--but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping I will, but I don't know. I'm scared I won't. My thoughts aren't providing much motivation.

Little things shouldn't knock me down. But I was already depressed. How much loss can one person handle within a twelve month period? How many times can people who say they care pull off a mask & reveal cruelty? I feel browbeaten & shellshocked.

I wrote (on paper--like ye olde days) earlier tonight to try to deal. Cut for triggery stream of consciousness tripe )

That's that. I'm trying. I know rationally that this was a big blow, after months of many big blows. I guess it's "okay" to be extra depressed right now, especially considering I…you know…already was. My resolutions have totally crumbled. But hey, no significant SI. I'm alive. Points for effort. I think going a while not hearing from my family would help, assuming that can be managed. I still can't even hear a car door shut outside without tensing up. I need some peace. If I can try, little by little, to get my place cleaned up, and get my resolutions back in gear--not all at once, but just day by day, gradually--I should get there. I'll be okay. It's all right that I'm struggling for now though, right? It doesn't make me even worse of a person?

That last sentence made me tear up, even if nothing came out. Well, I guess I'm starting to feel it? Writing did help after all. Yay for that.

I would like to try to keep this thing balanced though. I don't like being all doom & gloom 24/7. It's not my way. So, in the interest of making room for light amongst the darkness, let's talk about Bones this week (and by "this" week, I mean last week. You know what I mean).

The Sin in the Sisterhood )

For my Vid of the Day, I'll cheer myself up with one of my favorite, favorite movies. This is by Alias4557:

rachg82: (Default)
I am officially a fan of catharsis. And writing. )

For my Vid of the Day, I'm continuing my theme of taking-time-for-joy by sharing with you guys my favorite love song. It will absolutely make an appearance in my upcoming Fanfic Soundtrack, which--btw--is getting totally out of control. Haha. Lord help me.

rachg82: (topher remember)
So, I thought about something this morning. It's not just my birthday next week that's been a big deal as I try to shake off 2010 & start anew. It wasn't just Mom showing up. Or 12/31/10. It's also January 23rd, this Sunday. My stepdad's birthday. Every year: four days before mine. And almost a year since denial ceased being a possibility for me. You know paresthesia? When your hands start going all tingly & numb, and that's when you know you need to chill out, because your brain's freaking over something?

As [livejournal.com profile] keenai said in a recent entry of her own, feelings are stupid, but they must be dealt with. I've got to try to talk about this as much as I really, really don't want to (P.S. there'll be some bonus/unrelated shit about my self-esteem & issues as an lgbtq female in here, a.k.a. this is going to be--by necessity--long. My brain goes on random tangents, I know). )

For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to actually do something special. I have a handful of vids I'd like to share, each of which relate to my last few entries in some way. To spare my flist's servers, I'll put them behind a cut )
rachg82: (Roslin jail bars)
My scale has randomly stopped working. cut for talk of weight issues )

I keep having the most vivid dreams lately. Last night, I dreamt I was in a room with an African civet cat, except for some reason it was all black like a panther or jaguar (which is sort of strangely noteworthy, based on my spirit animal supposedly being either of those. Remember that shaman-led meditation thingie from my women's studies class back in the day? Wacky goodtimes). I got too close to it & it attacked me. [livejournal.com profile] 5brokenfingers was suddenly there (way to hijack my subconscious, Dani!) & was all "Oh, I love civet cats! The trick is to leave them alone. Just let it be." So I spent the rest of the time sort of just waltzing around it, shadowing its movements all Tai Chi-style, and it worked. It was still clearly a wild animal, but y'know, no more claws up in my grill, so that was cool.

The symbolism is pretty obvious. Sometimes, you've got to coexist with your emotions (i.e. let them do their thing vs. try to grab onto/control them)--even when they feel wild--or they will frak you up all the more. Also: don't piss off a metaphorical spirit animal. It will shrink itself into a civet cat and attack your face.

It's hard for me, I admit. Three big reasons )

Seeing as I need to start bustin' a move on cleaning & what-not (before [livejournal.com profile] dradiscontact arrives on Thursday), I figured I'd just share the rest of the poetry I found now, in one fell swoop. It's only a few anyway. Buckle in, folks. We're goin' on a ride down Poetry Lane. )

For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna share an old hip-hop fave of mine. One of the reasons I'm drawn to rap so much is because it so often is all about suffering and perseverance. It represents the underdog, the survivor, the imperfect fighter who just wants to be HAPPY & is still a little touchy & defensive from a lifetime of pain. It's no coincidence that they rap about death so much--half the time, I believe a lot of them *wish* they were dead (Biggie does after all have a song titled Suicidal Thoughts. Hello). Between my upbringing, with my own history of depression & being surrounded by insanity & addiction, and some of the kids I knew growing up, I can relate, despite not coming even remotely close to growing up in the projects. (my childhood influences were random, income-wise. My dad had money, my grandparents had money, and I lived in an apartment that was decent enough because of child support. But I had friends in my same complex on welfare and government food while also having friends up the road who owned their own man-made lakes. RANDOM. When my bf Kim--the heroin-addicted one--moved to the east side, I became friends with her friend Sara, who was in the 13 street gang--she wasn't hispanic, but she was Sioux Indian & that was close enough for that area--& who intentionally got pregnant at 14 so she could ease out of the lifestyle without being killed, and so she could "have someone to love [her]." Bear in mind this was after knowing another girl at twelve who was pregnant for her third time--she'd already had one miscarriage & an abortion--with her 19 yr old boyfriend, and her mom didn't even care. So, yes. I was exposed to a lot, despite living in the 'burbs. Pop music sometimes just doesn't cut it. After knowing girls like that, you understand that Brenda's Got a Baby isn't exaggerating.

Anyway, enough blathering. On with the song.

rachg82: (dollhouse sierra shadow)
Have any of you guys read "The Bad Seed"? *nodding to current music selection* It's a disturbing book. I know the expression originally comes from the Bible, but whenever I hear it, it's this book I always think of. I bet there's a lot of people who don't realize what a large role it played within America sociologically, not to mention culturally (hello, "The Good Son" and tons of other plots. Way to be rip offs.)

Anyway.

(The origins of language/tropes interest me. I digress.)

Thanks to those of you who read my flocked entry yesterday & to those who commented. I totally understand if some of you couldn't read it (long-ass & full of triggery-ness, especially) or weren't able to comment. Looking at it objectively, if it had been someone else's entry, I might've been almost afraid to say anything. "Is it okay to say 'I love you & hope you feel better soon'? That's trite, right?" So, yeah, I get it. So I just wanted to make that clear. But I do really appreciate those of you who were able to read & comment anyway. It means a lot.

As for today: I went to bed last night at like 12:30 am, which is totally unusual for me. I took it as a good thing though, because I need to get to bed earlier anyway. Unfortunately, I woke up at 4:30 from a bad dream AND with a stomach-ache. Whatever, life. At that point I gave up on sleep & went out to my living room, watching a Current TV documentary on cooking in Cameroon & Ethiopia. Because I'm me, my reaction was "YES. BOMB." when I saw the topic. Heh. Not because I care about cooking, but because documentaries + cane rats, chimps, & gorillas + tribal warfare + famine + huts & refugees = Rachael on the edge of her seat.

Afterward, I put in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", which was on my mind since mentioning it last night. I've long said "When Harry Met Sally" was my favorite movie, but I might have to change that now that I think about it. Or at least create a tie. cut for spoilers, in case people haven't ever seen it and still plan to )

I had the chance to watch the Community christmas ep this morning too and, wow, definitely a new holiday fave. I've never related to Abed more. His Christmas Train settings are Aloof, Detached, Distant, and Bjork. I can't even. . .the writers need an Emmy for that alone, seriously. Whole thing was amazing & kinda made me feel a lot better about my own crazyness.

Anyway, I did end up falling back asleep eventually, and consequently accomplished pretty much nothing today. I really, really need to go shopping, do laundry, and clean before [livejournal.com profile] dradiscontact arrives on the 16th. (Which, P.S., if you're reading this, Coda, we needs to converse on the details/time of your arrival & what-not.) Oy. I hate doing things. I'd prefer to do nothing and/or have a robot maid like on the Jetsons. That would be excellent.

I should get going though, so I can eat at some point & try doing *something*. For now, I'll leave you all with one of the poems I promised to share (there'll be more to come) and a Vid of the Day. Aforementioned old-school Rachael poem )

My Vid of the Day comes from ans99 and is all about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Have I mentioned how much I love this movie? Because I do. (Also: COULD THIS SONG BE ANY MORE BEAUTIFUL OF A MATCH FOR IT?)

rachg82: (bsg great notion)
I hope once my period ends I feel better, but I'm still not doing very well over here. Yesterday all I ate was cereal; today all I had was a burrito. I just don't have much of an appetite. My head hurts, my acid reflux is somehow still bad, and I don't care anyway. I found out antacids make iron absorption more difficult too. That's just. . .great. I'm glad my doctor made me aware of that. Except she didn't. It's also nice when they see the weight I've lost, their only reaction is a thumbs up & "way to go!" even when I mention some of it is in reaction to the stomach pain I've had and not being able to eat properly. I can even tell them, "some of that may be vomiting" (case in point: in the last three weeks, I've vomited on three separate days) and they just brush it off. No big deal, it's just stress. Oh, what's that? You're anemic now? Whatever, take some iron! And then more antacids! Now here's your bill, person with no health insurance, go away.

I desperately need something to get excited over. Even just the fall TV season would do. A new job falling into my lap. (yeah, that's likely) Something to snap me out of this. As for right now, this is how I'm feeling )

For my Vid of the Day, I feel like sharing a song that's an old favorite of mine from way back. I was basically obsessed with this song & vid at 13/14 years old, to the point where I'd watch The Box (a cable music channel my grandma had) for hours hoping they'd reair it so I could record it. It's just as beautiful & affecting today as it was in the '90s, and very appropriate to this entry. It's a shame we don't get to see music vids like this anymore. (or, if we do, I don't know about them)

rachg82: (bsg tigh sea)
Well, at least now I've filed for unemployment. I should've done so immediately, but the service was temporarily down when I first tried, and after that I honestly wasn't really functional myself for a while there. It didn't matter as this whole week (my first week not working) is a waiting week anyway, but still. It's good I got it done. Now I just need to register for the thingamabob for finding work and wait until Sunday so I can claim this week as the joyful waiting week (i.e. the one I don't get paid for). Next up, food stamps. Yay.

Actually, first up before that: shower. I figure that might be good since I haven't taken one since Saturday. And then food. No, Rachael, not cereal or a slim-fast shake. Actual food. And then laundry. And hopefully a walk to the park as I really, really want one. But food first so I don't, y'know, pass out. (seriously, I have been having the heaviest effing period ever, and it is SO not helping my tiredness. It's like, "Need to eat! But I have no appetite. But I need to eat! But I have no food. But I'm too tired, poor, & depressed to go get food! FUCK IT, I'LL JUST GO SLEEP.")

Ten (non-existent) bucks says my diet will move along like GANGBUSTERS now that I'm unemployed. Um, bright side?

It bothers me that only two coworkers have written me so far. Not even Nicole has, who has me friended on Facebook and has updated her own status since (talking about work like everything's normal, not even mentioning my absence). I guess it shows you who actually cares about you, eh? I'm just kind of surprised is all. She sat next to me & talked to me everyday, and I thought we were friends. She asked me questions constantly & I helped train her on non-purchasers only a month ago. Now I wonder if that was all just fake. I figured I'd at least get a simple "hey, are you okay?" message from her. Same goes for Marie, my "Work Mommy Version 1.0". Whatever. Sometimes I just don't understand people.

At least the two who did write me are there though. I do appreciate them. I may go to a movie (if/when I can afford it) with one of them soonish, but we'll see. It's the one who was a little batshit about race before, but I'm willing to give her a second chance because I know she's bipolar and she's normally never been crazy acting like that otherwise. I know from personal experience my mom would get like that too if her meds weren't right or she was manic, so I'll cut her slack & see if she gets that way again & whether she's worth dealing with (depending on the circumstances--i.e. what's causing her behavior and what she's doing to address it).

Continuing my "get my emotions out with no filter" project from before, I wrote a little bit more today. I think this is good for me, and I'm going to continue it until it feels like the right time to stop. Everything's still sort of pent-up inside, and if this is what it takes to get it out, so be it. It doesn't matter if some of it makes sense only to me, or if others relate to it, or if it's good, or if it sucks. It only matters if it's true.

To my sister. . . )

For my Vid of the Day today, I'm going to go with an Angel vid (by visitjessiechan) in honor of the conversation I had with [livejournal.com profile] dosidella last weekend about how much we both loved the Illyria arc in season 5. Oh, Amy Acker. Way to rip my heart out in grief with the loss of one character & then make me fall in love with the one who killed her. What's THAT about?

rachg82: (Buffy alone)
I can already tell my sleep schedule is going to take some work to keep from going nocturnal. I'm naturally prone to it anyway, but I'm hoping once my period ends that'll help too, as it's adding to my depression/headaches during the day. Napping in the afternoon? Not helping the sleepytimes at night. Especially with all the heat. Ugh. Want Fall now.

On the bright side, I feel like I'm finally coming out of my funk a little. I'm not skipping down the street, but I went outside today. I ate. I'm starting to think about working on my resume, money, and going to the store. It's all stressing me out, but at least I'm thinking about it instead of just sitting & crying. And coming up with solutions to the stress, like asking an old coworker/friend for help with my resume, etc. I haven't asked yet, but the point is I thought of it. I'm just going to try to breathe, and do everything little by little.

I'm also writing when I need to. As in, on paper--like I did the other night. For some reason writing that way lets me connect more directly to my emotions without a filter. I'm not sure if it's because that's how I used to always write in my private journal, or if it's because my inner 15 year old just naturally feels more emo with a pen in her hand, but it works. And just for the Hell of it, I'll share what I wrote again )

For my Vid of the Day, I wanted to share a poem that I discovered thanks to [livejournal.com profile] 5brokenfingers yesterday. To say that it's lovely would be an understatement. I've long since learned the joys of being alone, but even so, it's easy to sometimes forget them. It's also easy to forget the joys of living at all--regardless of whether you're alone--if you're depressed. This video helped remind me of both as I rewatched it today, and I think I'm going to make it appointment watching everyday until I'm able to say, "I'm going to be okay" and fully believe it.

rachg82: (Roslin plant)
Some of you already know this, but for the rest: I'm now unemployed. Or FUNemployed as I've decided to call it. This year has now reached epic proportions of win and I'm currently just waiting for the plague of locusts, basically.

Since this year began I went from loving my job to completely hating it, and in a weird way I suppose it's a favor. I wanted to quit but couldn't because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to file for unemployment benefits, and also knew it would be a horrible move because of how bad the job market is. On the other hand, it was also extremely difficult to motivate myself to look for work while in the midst of already working full-time.

Meanwhile my contract at Xerox ended as of July 31st and initially my manager was going to temporarily extend it until the end of August while he "decided what to do next", i.e. whether to keep me as a Xerox temp (whoop-dee-do, same pay & still no benefits. What a great thank you for the hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales I've earned you! And no, that's not an exaggeration. I've never added up the exact total, but I remember in the summer of '08 alone I brought in a quarter of a million dollars. And yet? STILL A FUCKING TEMP), but today he decided to just end it as I missed on Friday and missed again today. Friday as you all know happened because of Barfapalooza. Today? I'll flat-out admit was simply due to feeling vaguely crappy from my period. I could've gone, but didn't. I was tired, headache-y, nauseated, & crampy. And I just couldn't drag myself in knowing full-well I probably wasn't going to be there after this month anyway, not hating that job like I do now. It went from being a place where people were able to get good bonuses and enjoy working together to a place where everyone is micro-managed, overworked, and suddenly you're not a sales rep anymore but a collections agent. It's not what I signed up for, especially since when I started it was supposed to be a temp-to-hire position. I cut them slack on that for a long time due to the recession & the hiring freeze, but once they started acting like d-bags to us on top of everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. A job with that much stress & hard work deserves to be permanent & have benefits. It's simply not worth it otherwise.

As it was, about five minutes after I got the phone call from my temp agency, I got a message on facebook from one of my coworkers letting me know she'll be a reference for me. I thought that was sweet. She also let me know another coworker's last day is Friday and he's going to go work for Comcast, and she plans to leave soon too. Considering yet another coworker just left a couple weeks ago (we're talking a team that started with like a dozen people and already lost Justin a couple months back), I predict an exodus on the horizon. It's kind of funny too because Justin and I and the guy whose last day is Friday all sat in the same corner with that girl, and since Justin's cube still hadn't been filled, she's going to be sitting over there in a ghost-town.

I'm kind of peeved my manager didn't even have the guts to tell me I was axed directly too. Whatever. Plus the lady from the temp agency was completely fake-nice/mean & condescending. "I don't know if we'll have anything else for you. . ." "So what you're saying is. . .you won't?" "Yeahhh, probably not." THEN JUST SAY THAT & DON'T PUSSYFOOT AROUND. Argh.

Despite the fact that I sound so okay about it though, I'm also kind of not. It's complicated. I've never felt so many mixed emotions in my life as I have this year. It's enough to make you feel crazy. Like, "how can I feel so unbelievably sad & hopeful at the same time? Am I nuts?" Seriously. But I know I'm not. It's not like I'm in a manic mixed state like my mom would go into (*edited to add: I feel I should proactivately clarify I don't mean to use the term "nuts" in a derogatory manner there. I have a weird relationship with that word & also with "crazy." But that's a topic for a whole 'nother entry). I'm just human, experiencing more than one emotion at the same time, but am not used to feeling my feelings and not suppressing them or compartmentalizing them. Allowing them to coexist is difficult. I do know however that I am depressed. Of course my period is NOT helping. Nor are the events of the past year. I tried tonight just watching some tv-comfort food--Bones & My So-Called Life--and then listened to some classical music & took a nap, but in the end what I needed the most was to write my emotions down on paper, free-form style. I haven't done that in years.

Since my journal has a history of being pretty open over the years--I don't hide a whole heck of a lot--I'm going to post what I wrote here. I didn't write it with the intention of anyone else seeing it, but it makes me feel less lonely not to keep it to myself. No one has to read it unless they want to though. It's mostly just for me. But at the same time, it's a lot more fully naked & honest than I've been in quite a while, I have to admit.

sunlight on a broken column )

I don't know what this will mean for my counselor, whether I'll be able to afford her or pay her less or what. I'm not thinking about that right now. Right now I'm just thinking about getting unemployment, trying to get food stamps (I am broke as HELL), going to an Al-Anon meeting this weekend, throwing out that birthday bag tomorrow and probably sobbing after I do so, and most likely spending some time cleaning tomorrow. I honestly think I need to do that before I can even get my head in the right place to start looking for work. I'm a little overwhelmed right now, to tell you guys the truth. I know I'll be all right though. Okay, so I don't KNOW that, but I'm going to just say that.

Because I'm feeling hormonal & emo, and because it's uber-appropriate to how I've often felt this year, my Vid of the Day today comes in the form of one of my favorite songs:

April 2017

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