rachg82: (psych on my shoulder)
1. Rent for October is PAID. I couldn't pay the entire late fee (I'm still waiting for some of the PayPal funds to be transferred to my bank account. Once they go through, I'll have $128.49 left), but my apartment manager was willing to push the remaining $21 to next month. I'm kind of paranoid now that some surprise thing will get debited before the check goes through (like stupid Bally's Gym, for instance. HATE THEM), but that probably won't happen. I haven't used my card for anything in forever, and even Bally's hasn't charged me since July, which makes me wonder if my contract finally ended. I will so throw imaginary confetti in the air if that's the case. They have been such a pain in my ass over the last few years.

I did end up needing my friend's help after all, because rent assistance was already out of funds by the time I called. There was nothing I could've done about that, unfortunately, since I didn't get my eviction notice until yesterday, and I couldn't request assistance until then. Normally, people get their notice on the 8th & call that day; however, my apartments apparently don't hand eviction notices out until after the 10th.

I have a little over three weeks before November's rent becomes an issue, but: one thing at a time. I know she's willing to work out a payment plan with me if I can pay the full amount in three installments before that month is over; if I can't, but I can still pay at least half the full amount, she's willing to push the rest to the following month & try to work something else out. She told me she's helping me like this because she can tell I'm "really trying," and I have to say, I'm INCREDIBLY grateful for it. I'm so glad she took over a while back. If I were dealing right now with the old management? Ugh. This story would've gone a lot differently.

2. I'm not sure what to do about my phone/internet/tv bill or my electric bill just yet (both are overdue by a lot), but I can't think about that right now. I'll give it a few days, then revisit it.

3. When my friend dropped off the money today, she included a GF baking mix (works for pancakes, banana bread, cookies, etc), paper towels (which I needed), my favorite kind of GF bread (Udi's--it's the only kind that's good, seriously. Trader Joe's doesn't carry it), and a little bag of aroma therapy bath stuff. Some of it had already been used, so I think she had it around the house vs. buying it, but DUDE. Really, really nice of her. The lotion smells amazeballs, and the skin on my hands right now is like BUTTAH--as the Coffee Talk lady would say.

4. My stomach was still hurting like an a-hole last night, so I didn't get much done, but I did do a load of laundry for the first time in a while. Honestly, there's a blanket that I threw up on while camping last summer--which had been completely rinsed off but never truly washed--that had been lying on my bedroom floor all this time (well, more so "in a shin-high pile of other also-unwashed items" than the floor, but you get the idea). It finally got washed. I'd be embarassed to admit how long it took me to do, but I'm keeping it real here. This is what depression looks like.

5. I'm still going to look into school stuff first (I think I'll take the bus to PCC tomorrow & just try to talk to someone in person, since the financial aid dept's number's always busy), but I am thinking up preliminary job plans too. It's still scary, especially because of my crappy health, and because I despise anything that's up in the air, but yeah. Once more with feeling--one thing at a time. Amongst other things, I'm going to set up a profile on care.com and see if maybe there's a nanny/tutor/housekeeping-type job I can do. My friend B suggested it, and is now sending me all sorts of links, which is appreciated, though it's also kind of stressful because I feel like it puts pressure on me. I'm just reminding myself that all I can do is try. I may or may not meet people's expectations; I can't control that. I just don't want it to become one of those things where she wants to help me, but then ends up resenting me because she doesn't think I'm doing enough to help myself or am not being successful at it or whatever.

6. New Psych starts toniiiight. I am legit excited. I've been going through this list of quotes from the show today & cracking up. Like, my neighbors might've heard. Heh.

I'm pleased to say I'm feeling excited now for Bones' return next month, too. The spoilers have been getting better, and the reviews from critics who've seen the first couple eps already are super encouraging.

7. Facebook continues to be the most annoying thing on the planet--I try to use it, try to like it, but argh. It's like an instant douche converter--but every now & then I do see something funny on there. Case in point: True statements are true )

8. I need like an alarm bell to go off every time I pick a food item to eat, reminding me to thoroughly check the ingredients, I swear. Why must my new boysenberry jam have corn syrup? Why must Doritos include wheat? Life HARD.

9. Parenthood )

10. I had the most random childhood memory come back to me yesterday. It's really not interesting enough to share here, but watch me do it anyway. Heh. I was following a link that one of my LJ flistmates shared, looking related stuff up (as one does. I like to learn about crap, what can I say), and came across info about sensory issues in children. It offhandedly mentioned kids flipping their shit over vacuum cleaners, and instantly my mind was like, "OMG, I REMEMBER THAT." Totally all ~poof~ out of nowhere. Heh. My mom used to come & warn me if she were going to use the vacuum, literally apologizing for it & being all "I'll try to be quick," and I'm talking up to at least the age of 12 (now that I'm remembering it, I'm pretty sure it continued after that for some time), and I remember yelling at her to stop if she did it for too long. Also: if she were vacuuming in the same room as me, I'd tuck into a corner/sit on a chair hugging my knees/get as far away from it as I could & cover my ears until she was done. It was an especially funny time to remember this, too, because I'd just posted on facebook about how annoyed I was by my upstairs neighbors vacuuming for too long. Ha.

For my Vid of the Day, I'll share a vid that [livejournal.com profile] sumpta and I were laughing about earlier. It's fairly appropriate this week:

rachg82: (XF fangirl)
I think it's time for another TV post:

-Parenthood )

-Community )

-Parks & Rec )

In other news, I spontaneously began rewatching season 3 of Bones today. I think this is where I admit I'm not really that jazzed for the upcoming season. I KNOW, I'M SORRY. It's weird. It's not that I don't love the characters anymore--I do--or that I don't have ideas of things I'd love to see--I definitely do--but season 6 left me a bit deflated as far as my confidence in them delivering. I'm going to stop reading anything that comes out of stupid HH & SN's mouths, though, and that will probably help. As I said to [livejournal.com profile] tempertemper the other day, they could douche chill the second coming. Every interview they do, ever, is just like, "UGH, SHUT YOUR FACE."

That being said, I'm still hopeful, still fangirling it up--I mean, I wouldn't be working on this fic still if I weren't; it's really important to me (P.S. I'm up to 4,400 words now. Slow & steady progress!)--and still passionate about the show, but I felt like I had to admit those feelings somewhere.

ANYHOO. How about a Vid of the Day? This one's by oneminutegalactica (looove) & cracks me up every time.

rachg82: (roslin bitchface)
Ugh, worst part about being on my period? Even worse, perhaps, than the uptick in depression, irritability, and anxiety? The increase in my freaking "Good morning! Not! Muahaha" migraines, that's what. I HATE HORMONES.

Anyway, I'm tired of lying down with an icepack, so I'm in one of those "Y'know what, pain? I can't even hear you. La la la"-moods, trying to distract & detach. Ergo, spam for you lot. Enjoy.

First, another meme (P.S. I plan to answer your questions from yesterday's meme soon, promise):

Lyric Meme

Give me a character or a ship and I will give you a lyric (or a few) that reminds me of them.

And now for rambling:

1. Let me get this straight, this guy gets the death penalty amidst all the controversy (eyewitness testimony? Really, people? Do I need to point out the studies indicating how effing unreliable that shit is?), while these cruel bastards get 4-15 yrs? It's certainly not news to me, but it just sucks to be reminded how frakked the justice system in this country really is, not to mention the safety net for mentally ill/homeless people. My schizophrenic uncle's just lucky to have been in halfway homes & on proper medication for so much of his life, including the medication he takes now to deal with all the side effects from the shock therapy he received back in the day.

I like the comment too from the person who was all, "His dad ~let~ him be homeless and now wants to sue the police?" Yes, because A. his son's life ceased to matter after becoming homeless, apparently, and B. it's super easy to control a mentally ill adult, force them to live where you want, force them to stay on the right medication--or even have good access to it--and get them the help they need after most of the old hospitals got shut down & shelters/ERs across the nation became understaffed & overloaded (I still remember talking to ER nurses & listening to them vent about the system while my mom slept there on a gurney for days, waiting for a single bed to open up in the psych ward). I'd like to invite that guy to actually be related to a seriously unstable individual for a decade or two & then get back to me on that. God. Someday I will learn to stop reading Yahoo comments, but apparently that's still a work in progress.

2. I have several ignorant cooking questions to ask. Fortunately, I have you all to answer them (lookin' at you, especially, Jas) )

3. I haven't talked about Parenthood yet, so I should probably rectify that: cut for spoilers )

4. I watched "When We Were Kings" this week. It had a lot of clips I'd already seen (my dad had a vid of the entire Rumble in the Jungle match when I was younger, which included various bits of news footage from those years. I watched it with him once), but there was stuff I'd never seen too, and it was very entertaining overall. I'd listen to Ali talk all day. We're gonna get it on because we don't get along! Haha. Love him.

5. Facebook continues to be the devil. What's worse than obligatory friendships with people who really aren't your friends anymore? Seeing them talk to each other like BFFs & not include you. It's my fault though. For one, this is why I hide them (then occasionally look on their wall anyway, like some kind of masochist. It's like the Yahoo comments thing), and for two, it's not really obligatory to keep them as "friends" at all. It's just hard to defriend. You know people make such a big deal out of it, will probably tell the others, "Oh, you know, Rachael actually defriended me this week" (cue: "What's with her?" bla bla bla gossip), despite the fact that for all intents & purposes they haven't BEEN my friends for a good year now. It's just so annoying.

6. The guy I talked to at unemployment yesterday said his records showed that I called on the 13th, so the form's deadline shouldn't be an issue. Of course he also kept being like, "They'll honor the date of the postmark, don't worry" and was obviously not paying attention to my question. But I broke it down for him AGAIN, and was like, "The form is going to be postmarked LATE. L-a-t-e, late. But it also said I could call, which I did. And you show that, correct? Which means I'm okay?" And he said yes. So…I guess it's okay. I didn't really trust him though. We'll see. Either way, it still leaves the problem open-ended because I don't know if they'll reopen my claim, but I at least don't want it to be denied because of a postmark date of all things.

BTW, I wasn't really that rude to him, heh. But I'm feeling venty today, so just go with it.

7. I have a phone appointment with the SNAP people this Friday to determine my eligibility for food assistance & state health care. Fingers crossed, folks.

8. My first appointment with Luke Dorf is Monday. The intake lady told me that the crisis team already gave me a preliminary diagnosis of major depression, which didn't surprise me (I've been diagnosed with it before + Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Social Anxiety Disorder). It sounds like I'll be getting a full assessment next week though. The one I got with the psychiatrist wasn't one of those "let's diagnose you" deals, more so a medication check up with a short series of questions. The person I'll be seeing is only listed as a QMHP, though, I think, so I don't know what level of experience to expect or how relevant it'll be to my situation. But I hope it works out.

9. As for a RL update on how I'm doing, the last few days have been somewhat hard, emotionally. Not just for the financial stuff, but thoughts & dreams of family, friends, loneliness, etc. But it is helpful to know I'll be talking to someone soon. I did take a walk yesterday as well, for the first time in a while, which was nice. Sometimes it makes me sad now to be in nature, because I used to spend so much time outdoors with my nephew (we'd go for what we called "expeditions" and what-not, make it into a whole big thing, wandering in the forest, looking for bugs & animals, stuff like that), but it's still soothing to me, and brings my spirits up when I pass by toddlers driving their parents crazy with non-stop questions & the like. Heh. "Why is the dog sniffing that?" "Because that's what dogs like to do." "Why do they like to do that? Moo-oom? Why? Why do they like to sniff? Why--" "Because they just do." "Where'd the sky go? Where's the river?" "We can't see it because of the trees. It'll be back." "When?" Seriously, non-stop, this little girl was. I had to fight myself not to laugh.

10. For my Vid of the Day, here's some more purty music:

rachg82: (gay bones/cheers)
1. We'll just get it out of the way first: I didn't go to work yesterday. My stomach was hurting most of the night, along with that morning, and it was just too much for me. My cousin called me last night to check in, and I think he sounded disappointed in me when I told him. Maybe not though. It's hard to tell. It may have been him feeling bad for me/worrying. Who knows. He was like, "They can't fire you if it's for medical reasons." And I was like, "Oh, yes, they can." Wouldn't it be nice if they couldn't, though? He kept trying to tell me I should look into FMLA, even after I told him it was only for employees who'd worked a certain amount of hours already, like, "Well, at least look into it!" I didn't have the heart to be like, "No, dude. You're wrong. I'm right. I'm sorry." Sometimes people just want to feel like they're helping, I guess, even when they're totally not (especially guys, it seems). So I just told him I would. And obviously confirmed what I already knew once I did. So, yeah. It was nice that he called though.

I do feel a bit down about it (and worried. I hope I can just pick back up on unemployment easily. I think I can, but don't know for sure yet), but I'm also trying to be reasonable about it. As [livejournal.com profile] sumpta said, I only have one body, but there are lots of jobs. My health takes precedent. And as [livejournal.com profile] keenai said, I should stop thinking so much of what I *should* do, and do what I want to do (within reason, obvs. Heh), meaning if I'd rather be going to school full-time than working full-time, I should try to make that happen. Or at least work part-time if necessary, while attending classes. I don't know yet. But I do know I want to look into it. Finally. And it's not like getting sick repeatedly doesn't cause issues with classes/schoolwork, but it's just different. And at least then I'd feel like my efforts are going into something that has meaning. The lack of meaning in the work I've been doing over the last few years has honestly been getting to me a lot.

2. On a positive note, I finished another section of my fic & am up to 3,000+ words now. Slowest fic ever, I know. But it's coming together. I have no idea if others will like it, but again, who's always right? [livejournal.com profile] keenai, that's who. (Well, and Jasmine. They sort of go together. Heh. Twinsies!) And so I'm not doing it for others. I'm doing it for me. That being said, if others do like it, that'd be a bonus.

3. Question for y'all: when, if ever, will it stop being hot? Listen up, fall, you need to be here now, aiight? No, not later. Now. I'm tired of sweating.

4. I rewatched "Bowling For Columbine" last week & also checked off a couple new docs from the list: "The Kid Stays in the Picture" and "King of Kong." I got so into the second one, ha. I was like, "HE HAD BETTER WIN THE WORLD RECORD OR I WILL BE PISSED." It kind of cracked me up how extremely-obviously aspie so many of the gamers were, too. JUST SAYING. Not surprising. (Bear in mind my dad's nickname for me over the years was "The Video Game Queen." Sooo, yeah. 'Nuff said.)

As for "The Kid Stays in the Picture," that was actually really entertaining & interesting. Robert Evans is a great storyteller, and he's lived an amazing life. Watch it.

5. The Energizer Bunny of Picspams lives on. I have three new categories. )

6. Speaking of BSG, it does my heart proud to see all the ads on BBC America. Hopefully lots of new people are joining the fandom because of it.

7. How gay was Rizzoli & Isles this week? I swear, every episode, it just gets gayer. cut for spoilers )

8. I watched "Saved" on Logo the other night, and I could've sworn I'd seen it before. But that could've just been because there were so many clips of it floating around a few years back. It was good times though. I am FILLED with Christ's love!. Haha.

9. I feel like I should come up with more things to say, because I like doing listy posts of 3, 5, or 10, but whatever.

10. See, I can just make my Vid of the Day my 10th point. So smart.

This one's by sandhyni:

rachg82: (Adama/Roslin arm in arm)
I'm kind of exhausted right now, since I woke up from a migraine at like 3 am this morning (it's that time of the month. Cue: hellish pain) & never went back to sleep after, but I don't want to go to bed now & end up with a funky vampire schedule again. So, LJ updatin' it is. Don't be surprised if I'm less than articulate though.

Also, this is probably gonna be random. Fair warning.

-I did my first load of laundry today in I don't even know how long. I'm counting that as an accomplishment.

-This is random (I told you), but it amuses me so I'll share: yesterday, when the technician guy was here, I told him my TV had been on the fritz for a week, and he tried to banter with me, all, "You got grounded." I swear it took me at least a full 30 seconds to respond, because all I could see in my head was a fighter jet or rocket or some shit, literally grounded, and I was like, "WTF?" Haha. Then I got it, of course. But still. Nice combo there of obliviously dense skillz + too much BSG-watching + a childhood of pretty much never being truly "grounded" in that sense (there was one time when I was actually *told* I was, officially, but then I talked my way out of it within minutes, soooo, yeah).

-I wish the world would stop trying to talk to me about Kirstie Allie's weight. I DON'T EFFING CARE, OMG. SHUT UP.

-After procrastinating it forever, I finally went in for an eye exam this afternoon. My prescription had apparently changed by only about a quarter, but it was still enough for me to notice some eye strain (thus providing the motivation). Plus I'd been meaning to go in & update my old pair of prescription sunglasses for YEARS, so I figured it was worth going no matter what. Considering how pricey that stuff is though, and bearing in mind how slight the change in prescription was, I decided to just replace the sunglasses for now & get new lenses for my everyday glasses at a later date. The sunglasses will however have transition lenses, so I can wear them indoors if I want. My old pair of sunglasses were transitions as well, and I used to even wear them at work sometimes (fluorescent lighting = my arch nemesis, basically), but those ones were made back when transition lenses still retained a semi-colored tint even at their lightest, so I didn't use them all the time. From what I understand, these newer ones should be able to go from dark grey/black to completely clear. If so, I may make them my new everyday pair, though I haven't decided yet whether I like the style enough for that. But it'd be nice to have that option.

Either way, point being: SUNGLASSES. Ones I can wear without blurry-eyed squinting again! So much yay. Ooh, AND! Remember my free-stuff-gettin'-mojo? Still in effect. $100 coupon, babuh ba-by. And what.

On a crazy note, the same lady who helped me try out five kajillion different pairs of contacts three years ago was there today, and she remembered me by name. Was all, "Oh, hey, Rachael! How are you?" Meanwhile she wasn't the one working with me--she was helping someone else, i.e. not at the front desk--so it's not like she had my name in front of her when she spotted me. I was sort of blown away by that, honestly.

-I picked up my BSG rewatch again this morning, while I was all couch-bound & headthrobby. Made it through "No Exit" (ugh) & "Deadlock" (meh), then got rewarded with the lovely "Someone To Watch Over Me" (woo. I love that ep). I took notes & plan to write about my thoughts in greater depth later; for now I'm too sleepy to do it justice. I will at least share two quotes that particularly stood out to me this time though:

1. Kara (discussing one of the songs her father played): "There was this one, it made me happy and sad all at the same time."

Mystery!Piano Man: "The best ones do."

2. Mystery!Not!Kara's Dad!Piano Man (seriously, I don't even care what you say, RDM. In my mind? That is totes her dead dad): "Listen. It may feel like Hell, but sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one."

I, just! BSG! What am I gonna do with you.

-I have some serious-toned stuff on my mind, but I'd rather get into it when I'm not so overtired. Just a heads-up though that a longer flocked entry may be coming soonish.

'Kay, I'll end this here. I'm gonna watch So You Think You Can Dance now & then go pass out in my bed like a boss.

For my Vid of the Day, allow me to deliver some Community-filled goodtimes, courtesy of TimanFanVids:

Voice Post

Jun. 28th, 2011 07:33 am
rachg82: (Default)

For those of you who'd like to check out the documentary I mentioned, here you go:

ETA: I thought I'd found it on YouTube as well, but it's only the first couple minutes (with an option to rent the full movie--I didn't even know you could rent things on YT). Still, if you'd like that link anyway, here it is.

rachg82: (roslin operahouse)
1. I was talking about peanut butter cups with [livejournal.com profile] keenai yesterday, and I told her I'd post the recipe I use for peanut butter cup cookies in my next entry. Behold: deliciousness )

2. Since I enjoy tedious, time-consuming projects, I've been going back through old entries & tagging any that included IM convos. I've made it to March, 2003! Heh. This will take forever. It's fun though. I used to post them on my LJ much more often than I do now. They're funny to reread years later.

While sifting through stuff, I've come across a LOT of surveys & memes, too (my favorite survey response? "What's your orientation?"/"I'm straight. So far." Ha HA. Way to leave yourself an out--pun intended--there, in denial!previous self). I thought it'd be fun to redo one now & see how different (or similar) the responses I get are. Considering four of the eight people who commented to it then are still regular commenters now (more than eight years later--I think that's sort of amazing), it should be interesting.

I _____ Rach.
Rach is _____.
If I were alone in a room with Rach, I would _____.
Rach needs _____.
I want to _____ Rach.
______ is my first memory of Rach.
Every time I see/hear ______, I am reminded of Rach.
I'd give _______ to Rach, if I had the chance.

Fill it out, amigas!

3. I haven't done this in a while, so 3 songs I'm listening to today )

4. Who else saw the Parenthood finale last night? Let's talk about it )

5. For my Vid of the Day, here's some funny snark:

rachg82: (Baltar/Six sky)
I feel very productive at the moment. Not only did I take out all my trash, but I also did the dishes (finally--OMG, it was so gross. I had to cover my mouth), swept, cleaned the counters, & took a shower.

Also? I ate two meals yesterday. First time I've done that since probably January (that resolution worked not so well. It's funny because the cliched normal resolution would be to eat LESS. Le sigh). Of course then I got a gnarly migraine around bedtime & ended up throwing up everything I've *ever* eaten, but it's the thought that counts. I haven't vomited from a headache like that I don't think since the last time I went off the topamax; once again, I just don't know how to weigh the pros & cons here. Whether I should go back on it later (remember my refills would've ended in July anyway & I owe that doctor money--it's already gone to collections, so it's past the point of simply paying her back & seeing her again. I'd have to find another doctor once I'm at my new job & either have some type of insurance or can afford the cost of a visit out-of-pocket). I wish I could find another preventative med similar to it that didn't cause so many side effects (i.e. the appetite suppression--which I obviously don't need; plus possibly adding to tiredness, depression, & eye pain/light sensitivity--all of which I already have normally. Etc…). Argh.

Really, my main concern is just that I don't want to screw up another job opportunity because of health issues, y'know? There's only so much you can do to predict/ward off migraines. Sometimes they just show up out of nowhere, like a REALLY undesirable house guest. "HAI THERE, FRIEND! MIND IF I CRASH?" Um, yes. Yes, I do. *glares at body*

I also don't want to take something that makes climbing out of this funk any harder than it has to be, though. So, you can see my predicament. I wish I could just have some kind of magic brain surgery or something. OY.

Anyway though. This is interesting only to me, so I'll move on.

In other positive news: I also worked on my fic a little yesterday. I've been feeling very blocked on it, mostly because I think I just put too much pressure on myself ("THIS ALL SUCKS! I'M DONE! NO ONE WILL LIKE IT! I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT! WAH! I CAN'T EVEN THINK! THERE'S TOO MANY WORDS!"), but also because I've had so much of the sit-and-stare action going on. Where you just stare at nothing & feel utterly *frozen*, if that makes sense. I freaking hate that. But this time I put on my headphones--to minimize outside sound; I wasn't in the mood for music--and forced myself to stay put until I wrote SOMETHING. Then I forced myself to keep writing, even if I had to delete/rewrite my words every other second. Not much progress was made, but after a while I did start to feel like I was getting somewhere. Back in the zone, in other words. I plan to try again today, hopefully.

In weird news: I dreamt about a bear, dogs, & TONS of candy/cookies/pastries last night. According to my subconscious, here's what you should do if a wild bear ever appears in your room: hide under the covers, run into a bathroom, or stay perfectly still & let it stand on its hind legs in front of you like it wants to dance. You know, as one does. What the hell, brain.

In TV news:

-Why was there no Community or Parks & Rec last night? Does anyone know how long they'll be on hiatus?
-Parenthood this week was good, as usual. I like that Amber didn't get into any colleges. She's smart & she works hard, and it's realistic to show that sometimes things still don't work out. I'm looking forward to them mainstreaming Max next year, too. I loved the scene where he was answering all the questions on Cash Cab, like "I can't believe they didn't get that!" Haha. That's so me every time people don't know things on a game show that I know. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT? YOU FAIL, SIR! FAIL!" Hee. I'm also starting to warm to Jasmine more & same goes for Crosby. Their current storyline is very relatable. The best part of the ep, though (imo) was the final scene with Julia & her husband, talking about their troubles getting pregnant. That was sad & very well-acted. I think they'll go the adoption route, personally. (P.S. I still have the hots for both of them, in case anyone's curious. Heh. Tell me I'm not alone in this! They are a damn good looking couple)
-After rewatching the pilot for Southland, this is all I have to say: 1. WANT IT BACK, 2. Naaaaaaaate, and 3. John Cooper FTW.
-Lastly, an update on the BSG rewatch: I'm done with seasons 2.0/2.5. "Scar" surprised me, because it made me frakking WEEP this time. Like, having to hold it in-type weeping. Something about Kara's "I've got nothing to lose" in the viper (especially in light of what happens later in "Maelstrom". I mean, you've got Kat yelling, "You're committing suicide, Starbuck!" So, yeah) + the pictures on the memorial wall + her standing up & listing all the names of the dead pilots at the end & Helo telling her she has "something to live for now". GAH. It just really got to me. After "Epiphanies"--and up to the finale--2.5 is mostly pretty meh to me, though. At least in comparison to how good seasons 2.0/the end of the Pegasus arc in 2.5 was & everything after it in season 3 anyway. I do love Caprica Six having a Head Baltar, though. Hee. That never gets old. And of course I enjoy the finale. Duh. Giggly!Roslin, "Why don't you go frak yourself", Cavil messing with Tyrol's head, and--above all else--that epic shot of Baltar at his desk. Boom, ONE YEAR LATER. Cylons marching, Adama & his frakstache, Roslin as a teacher, Kara with long!hair, Festively Plump Leemo (hee), the whole thing. Bring it on, New Caprica!

P.S. Every time I watch that "one year later" bit now, I think of the Bones season 5 finale and this macro/entry. Heh. Baltar as a fic writer for Bones would be cracky hilarity. Come to think of it--SOMEONE SHOULD WRITE THAT. Like, write the story from his POV. Hahaha. Metaaaaa. I can so see him watching the show: "Why don't they just bloody frak already? For frak's sake!"

For my Vid of the Day, I've got one of those "I enjoy this for the music as much as the vid itself" dealios. This song has been stuck in my head all afternoon, for real. (and for those who like to know these things, this is by freelancerxo02)

rachg82: (Cam Bones holding hands)
It is taking so much willpower not to read any of the sides for the end of this season. Want want waaaaaant. I know it'll be better if I stay away though, so that's what I'm doing. I still reserve the right to watch promo clips/read articles if I want, however. Those aren't as big a deal.

Meanwhile I'm sure no one even cares which spoilers I'm reading, but I'm going through one of those phases where my mind feels utterly stifled, & figuring out what to write & how to word it is like walking in cognitive slow-motion. The whole sit-and-stare action, y'know? I'm somehow both incredibly restless/uncomfortable (like, itchy, & my clothes/hair are bugging me, & ugh there's something in my eye, & my glasses are smudged right there, & sitting in this position is making my knee hurt, & my limbs are tired like dead weights, but I'm booooored and aimlessly nervous, but I don't want to do anything--not even move--and everything I write is wrong, and I feel blank, & UGH), yet numb & distant on the other hand, like I can't *wake up* & connect to what's around me. The default state got switched to silent & immobile, if that makes any sense (it's vague, I know). It's hard to explain.

I mean, like, for all of yesterday & today? I've wanted to update my lj, but every time I try--even now--I feel like deleting the entry, throwing my hands up in the air all "fuck it!", and then going back to bed to lie down & stare at the corner of my comforter for an hour. I'm sure some of it is my body adjusting to going off the topamax--I've been having similar side effects to what I experienced when first starting it, like paresthesia, etc--but it's also just how I get sometimes when depressed/stressed out/not eating enough. So, who knows.

Anyway, my point (at last) is I'm trying to just force myself to write. It doesn't have to be "right"--what does that even mean, anyway? God, I'm so mental--and it's okay if it's crappy. That being said, let me try to ramble at you all now for a minute:

1. I was looking for this fic the other day (I couldn't remember the author or title--only bits of the plot), and I told [livejournal.com profile] amilyn I'd rec it here once I found it, so voila: Delicate by ygrawn. Read it. It's good.

2. I did some hasty (i.e. nothing uber serious/meaningful, just freestyle whatever shit) artwork last night. It was done in an attempt to snap out of my ~vibrating frozen statue with oversensitive nerve endings from pent-up Anxiety Land~ mood, which obviously didn't totally work, but eh. At least it's expressing myself & being active, right? It's a good impulse to follow. I'll share the results now, just in case it's of interest to anyone. )

3. While I'm discussing music, I am currently in love with this remix. Also, I'd love it if someone were to make either a Faith/Buffy shipper vid (from Faith's POV, preferably) OR an "Emily Deschanel/Brennan is hot" vid to this song. That version, specifically.

4. The BSG rewatch continues. I'm up to "Valley of Darkness" & falling in love with the show all over again. Things I'm especially loving this time around )

5. Community this week was amazing. I mean, seriously, SO FANTASTIC. Enough to where I actually teared up at one point (happy tears), because I was so moved. This show is brilliant. I need to flail )

My Vid of the Day is from TheLovelyBones1 and is a short example of the type of Brennan vid I mentioned wanting above. There aren't nearly enough of these out there. *stares at teh sexy*

rachg82: (Made of win)
Apparently everyone else on the interwebz is out painting the town red or somethin', because LJ is empty like a Sunnydale library tonight. I, however, am an extremely boring person; ergo, my Saturday evening funtimez include watching random vids on YouTube. (Anya clips + Abed clips + Firefly clips + Bones clips + Auto Tune the News = yayyyy)


Don't worry, I'm nice like that, so I'll share a few that are worth your while. (Hey, if I'm gonna be sitting around, I might as well spam you all, right?)

1. Dramatic Brennan. OMG, so ridic. Hahaha. I've watched it at least a handful of times already, & it still gets me.

2. I'm on a drug…called Charlie Sheen. The one on the left--HEE. "Wi-i-i-inning!"[/head shake]

My mom is lucky this song didn't exist back when we still spoke. I would've made it my retort whenever she morphed into Batshit McBitchfaceyson--a.k.a. every other minute.

3. And most of all:

ABED, ILU. Like, you see this place in my heart? YOU HAVE A PERMANENT HOME THERE. Seriously, *why* did I not get more into this show sooner? WHY? It had better freaking get renewed for another season or I will airlock the universe.

…go ahead & try to understand that one. Sit with it for a minute, I dare you. ("But in order to airlock the universe, something would have to be *outside* the universe for it to be released into, but that would by definition be nothing, and what would nothing's form even be? Unless the universe really does just keep expanding infinitely, but for the purposes of this hypothetical metaphor, it *couldn't*, and--y'know what? Forget it.")

Anyway. I'm tempted to spam you all with further clips, but I won't. I'm off to either rewatch Bones & take notes for my review or start up my BSG marathon again. Not sure which yet.
rachg82: (Brennan special snowflake)
1. I'm hungry. Frankly, it's irritating me. Heh. [livejournal.com profile] juliedarling, you were right. I'm still on one Topamax per day, but omg STOMACH RUMBLINGS. WTF is THIS all about. Look, body, it's 3:30 in the morning (as I start this entry), you've already woken me up with a headache (which is at least now at bay, thanks to Excedrin), we both know there's no edible food in this apartment, so what do you expect me to do? Alchemy? THAT'S FOR METALS, STOMACH. Also, it doesn't exist. Make some sense, ye. *medieval rimshot* (Ahh, who doesn't love an oh-so-timely alchemy pun? No wonder I'm single.)

Okay, so I can acknowledge how unfair it is of me to expect my stomach to just ~not be hungry~ when all I had yesterday was a burrito & chips, but it still bugs me. Irrationally. Like, if I choose to eat, fine. But my body telling me to? Annoying. There should be a message system allowing you to tell it in no uncertain terms, "YOU'RE NOT GETTING FOOD UNTIL SUCH & SUCH TIME. STFU UNTIL THEN; I HAVE THINGS TO DO." Like a little keyboard that pops out of your stomach & then slides back in. Then your stomach can receive the message & be all, "Bitch is you crazy?" And you can be like, "Maybe I am, stomach, and MAYBE I AM."[/SNL Dog Show reference. Heh. Except that particular skit has a different variation of their usual "maybe I am" bit, but whatev. Close enough.]

(I do at least have peanut butter, though. That is seriously the depths of patheticness I've reached. To avoid passing out, I must dig peanut butter out of a jar with a plastic knife. OH YES, did I forget to mention? My actual knives are dirty. I do, however, have plastic knives. I AM SO LAZY, I WENT FOR THE PLASTIC ONE. Not only that, but I *bought* them so I wouldn't have to do dishes the other night. She shoots, she scores.)

At some point this weekend, I'm going to have to clean out my fridge (thar be monsters & expired milk) & go to the store. I also need to call my old friend/coworker to ask for directions to the call center where she works so I can apply there. Then I need to call the unemployment place about getting an extension (assuming I don't "luck out"--woo, meh--and get a job right off the bat where my friend works. You never know). In the midst of all this, I can practice *not* panicking & envisioning myself homeless or dead in the upcoming weeks (whatifIdon'tgetthebenefitswhatifIcan'tpaymybillswhatifwhatifwhatif, etc). I'm really not comfortable with the whole loss of control thing--it cannot be stressed enough. Deep breaths. I'm trying to joke through it, but I honestly am very anxious.

2. I've been too busy doing absolutely nothing to write my Bones review yet. Well, there was some sleep in there too, and going through my room trying to find things. That was uber exciting (not really). I'll try to have it up this weekend, though. For now I'll just say that I loved it. I don't know anyone who didn't, heh. Like, hello, obvious statements are obvious. (as a sneak-peek/random aside, however: this was my reaction to Booth in the diner scene. Hahaha. Don't worry, though, he more than made up for the transgression throughout the rest of the ep!)

3. I need to get back to writing my fic. Hopefully the new hiatus (oy, with the hiatuses already) gives me the motivation. I haven't felt very motivated for *anything* lately. I think stress is blocking me. I get this way when I'm really worried about something that's unresolved. I feel like I can't do anything until it's over. It just like OWNS me. But at the same time, the idea of calling my friend/the unemployment agency/etc is also overwhelming. So I'm stuck in this AGHHHHH-state of "omg just knock me unconscious." Hence why nothing is accomplished. Not dishes, not laundry, not anything. I'm just fucking frozen. There is *too much to do* & I don't know what to do first & I can't THINK & aeaiohgoihgh. Too many things *hanging*, metaphorically. Like quicksand, surrounding me. It's so, so hard. I know the ways to deal with it--take everything bit by bit--but that doesn't make it not hard. It's like there's too much information in there ("in there" being my stupid brain), and sometimes I just need a reset button--something to wipe it clean. An aide to walk me through things step by tiny, meticulous, super-thorough step. Ugh. It's exhausting. Like, "Okay, Rachael. We're gonna make dinner now. I know we need to do the dishes first. I KNOW. First this section. Okay, now this section. Breathe, breathe. All right, so you'll have to wash that pan by hand or wait to cook until the dishes are done. I'll help you make that decision, too. Yes, I understand you were already breathing--that's not what I meant. Diaphragmatic breathing, Rachael. What? The pan has mold? Now you want to throw it out? Oh, Jesus. Okay, let's logically weigh the pros & cons of making something that doesn't require a pan, including its most likely lower nutritional value based on the limited options of what you're willing to eat vs. going to the store to buy a new pan & how much estimated time that will take--including the walk there + the shopping--added to the time it takes to cook, added to how hungry you are, added to how much money it will cost. No, skipping dinner entirely in a meltdown-esque fit of obstinate pouting is not an option." WELCOME TO MY LIFE, FOLKS. Let's not even get into what it's like to cook with me. Everything is a freaking ~operation~. "At exactly what intervals of time do I flip the burger? I NEED EXACT INTERVALS."

4. I enjoy peanut butter. Just felt like sharing that with you all. Also, it's now 5 am. I am very wordy. Ha.

In other news: I found my old private journal from August of 2001 through May of 2002, today. A long time ago, I'd typed up the entries on here & backdated them, but later I deleted the whole thing + I eventually misplaced the journal in RL as well. All I had left were a few excerpts from my 2002 Year in Review post, which in a way is like reading the ending to a story without the beginning. I actually sat down this afternoon & read through all of it. I'd like to have something ~thoughtful~ & indepth to say about it, but right now I don't yet. I might later, maybe even type some of it up again, I don't know. You know how sometimes something hits you in a way where you can't say much of anything about it? It's just too deep? I guess I just forgot how much I went through. It's actually making me cry right now, which I didn't expect. Looks like I do have a few thoughts )

5. Aaand it's now 6 am. JEEZ, I TAKE FOREVER WITH THESE THINGS--probably because I keep getting detoured by YouTube and what-not. Anyway. I do have one more thing before I go (and before the VotD, of course). While I was looking through my room yesterday--and found the aforementioned journal--I also found a few other old things. Sometimes being a packrat comes in handy, yo. Did you know I have a (until now totally forgotten) dolphin ring like Brennan? HA. SERIOUSLY. Pictures for proof. Also: bunch o' sentimental funtimez (bet you wish you had a My Little Pony wallet, don't you?) )

For my VotD, I have an INCREDIBLY good Kara vid by MadnessoftheDivine to share. It's like a work of art, gah. I can't even. THIS FUCKING SHOW, Y'ALL. If you aren't already onboard, watch this vid. That's all I have to say.

rachg82: (Head Baltar)
1. I had a dream last night wherein I was both watching & simultaneously present within what *apparently* was supposed to be an episode of Glee (WTF), and all the characters--none of whom of course looked anything like the people on the show--got together to sing Feelings by Floetry to apologize to a girl in their group for hurting her wittle teenaged feelings or some crap. One even broke out with the spoken word poetry, much to my horror, while they all stood there in a cheesy semi-circle, wearing headbands & looking earnest. And in the dream I was all, "NO NO NO! GLEE CANNOT SING FLOETRY! NOT THIS DAY!" Haha. I was so annoyed.

2. Hey, did you guys know it's Thursday? Wanna know something else? IT'S BONES DAY. I cannot WAIT for tonight's episode, oh my God. It looks so good.

3. Sometime either today, tomorrow, or in the next few days, I have to give in & call the unemployment people about requesting an extension for my benefits. I don't want to do it. I have to do it. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

4. I'm really into capslock this week. Don't know if you guys have noticed.[/sarcastic] Heh.

5. I had a terrible migraine last night, so I'm already feeling nervous about the "going off Topiramate" thing (i.e. the preventative-migraine meds). I'm down to one pill per day now (I was taking three--I've been tapering off the dose). Then again, it was at the end of my period, and I'd woken up from a long nap + hadn't eaten enough, and yeah. I don't know. I don't really have good choices here. All I can say to myself is that, when I get a job again, I'll find a new doctor & reassess my options. Like I said before, I can always go back on it in the future (if that seems to be the right decision), but in the meantime, I was becoming concerned that the side effects were worsening my eating issues/depression/energy levels. Plus, it's that much more money to spend every month, and the refills will soon be out--hence what started the whole thing.

I guess we'll just see. It's not even that, oh, I can't deal with being in pain, y'know? Clearly, I can. But it's a lot easier when you're unemployed. The problem is that I can't stay unemployed forever and, when you have a job, *that's* when getting the really severe migraines become an Issue<--intentionally capitalized.

But at least over the last year I did make efforts to reduce the stress in my life--if you think about it. That's one of the things my doctor told me to do, when it came to helping the migraines in the long-term. Stepping away from my family IS part of that. If I can get a job, begin sleeping & eating consistently again (i.e. regular/predictable times & amounts), start exercising again, those things will probably also help. And, again, this is something that can be reassessed later. I don't need to ~figure it all out~ right now & obsess, even though that's what my mind always wants to do.

6. On a positive note, I created tags for my Year/Decade in Review posts (I enjoy being organized), and while I was at it I took some time reading excerpts of entries from this month over the years, i.e. March in '02 & March in '03 and so on. It's an interesting way to get perspective on yourself, especially when you're in one of those "I've accomplished nothing & have no chance of getting anywhere!" shame-spirals (truth is, I *have* progressed. I'm better at understanding/acknowledging what it is I'm feeling now; I'm better at standing up for what I need; I'm better at trying new things--like writing fanfic, for instance; it's something I didn't think I'd ever have the nerve to do--etc. I'd say I'm more in touch with myself in general, which is certainly an accomplishment. It's just hard to see sometimes, understandably).

Anyway, I was thinking it'd make for a good meme in case anyone else wanted to swipe it for their lj: take whatever today's date is--in this case, 3/17--and choose an excerpt(s) from an entry posted on that day (or another day that's close, if there's nothing applicable) for each year that you've had your journal. Post the quotes together all in one entry & ~voila~. Instant self-reflection. Here, I'll even go first (possible trigger warning for some of it, as a heads-up) )

7. Speaking of shame-spirals & feeling like a failure, I got to talking with Jen about that yesterday along with the random GLUTEN-hatefest the whole world seems to be in on lately )

8. My BSG rewatch continues. Yesterday, I watched "You Can't Go Home Again," "Litmus," "Six Degrees of Separation," & "Flesh and Bone." Two things: One--"Six Degrees of Separation" cracks me up every single time (No more Mr. Nice Gaius!), and two--"Flesh and Bone" is awesome. AWESOME. "To know the face of God is to know madness." And everything he says to Kara about her childhood? Ahh, so good. The whole thing. Wanna roll around in it.

9. This entry's already pretty long, but I'm sitting on good music & feel like sharing some of it. 3 songs I'm listening to today )

10. And, finally, for my Vid of the Day, here's what I kept thinking of all throughout my rewatch of "You Can't Go Home Again." I still wish Gary the Cylon were a real show, haha. "Get ready to do your stand-up routine in Hell."

rachg82: (BSG Billy)
I feel like (this simile is brought to you by [livejournal.com profile] torigates. She knows why) a big pile of hot crap. My head is fuzzy/dizzy/achey, there are things running down the back of my throat (let's not elaborate), and need I add that I'm still on my period? Because I am. Also? My ears hurt. CAN YOU JUST NOT, BODY? I mean, really. I feel icky & feverish! This is not acceptable.

It doesn't help that I've barely eaten for, like, days. (less than usual, I mean) But that's because my stomach was hurting. At least that's over, now. See, this is what I get for hanging out with a friend & her baby. BABIES ALWAYS GIVE YOU THINGS. Always. They're like Trojan Horses of Viral Cuteness.


I don't even have cold medication! (Oh. Turns out I wasn't done yet. Heh.) All I have are Emergen-C packets! WAH!

All right, NOW I'm done. *stomps & pouts, throws things*

Moving on. My unemployment runs out this week. It's possible that's what I'm really spazzing out about. I'm trying to remain calm, however. From what I've heard, it's not actually that big a deal to get the extension. I'm probably worrying over nothing, as per usual. Sort of like how my apartment is a mess and every time I look around, I think, "I AM A FAILURE! LOOK WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! WHY AM I SO WROOOOONG?!", when--in reality--that's probably a bit of a harsh judgement. Meanwhile, the trigger for that thought was seriously maybe two things: 1. the dishes in the sink (they've been there for weeks), and 2. the fact that I still have mostly the same furniture & such from when I moved out of my mom's house seven years ago & that I haven't bought new things & decorated like some successful/amazing "Adult Archetype" that I've made up in my head + seen on TV. Who the fuck knows. I have issues. Like, there's me in my bed, all, "OMG, THERE ARE BOXES. AND AN EMPTY POP BOTTLE THAT NEEDS TO BE THROWN OUT THAT I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WAS THERE UNTIL TODAY & WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME ESPECIALLY BECAUSE CLEANING EVERYTHING NOW SOUNDS TOTALLY OVERWHELMING. I AM CLEARLY TRAINING TO BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ON A&E'S HOARDERS AND AM DOOMED TO DIE ALONE & MAYBE THIS IS MY FAULT BECAUSE I CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT MY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY & I'M JUST AS MESSED UP AS THEY ARE & THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME ALL ALONG & OH GOD I'M ALMOST THIRTY & I HAVE NO ONE & THAT PICTURE IS JUST THERE OUT OF HABIT & THE FACT THAT I HATE CHANGE & I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE IT & SHOULDN'T I KNOW IF I LIKE MY OWN THINGS & MY LIFE IS PASSING ME BY & AHHHHHH.[/holy crap, that was a lot of capslock]

Right, and then I go back to sleep (then, that is, not now), because seriously. My brain exhausts me.

On a positive note, it looks like spring is finally coming. On one hand, I find that vaguely depressing for some reason--I think because I wanted to have "accomplished" more by now, and because it's bringing up memories of last summer, when I spent time with my sister & the kids & various friends--but on the other, it will make it more likely that I'll start taking walks again, I think. Whatevs, new season, fresh start, right? I'll just go with it.

Anyway--sick or not, I'm awake, and I've got stuff to ramble about, so let's get going. Just remember: you've had your preemptive warning that I'm sick; ergo, this may be cracky as Hell. I tend to go on major tangents whenever I have a cold. Like, you know that scene on Buffy when Andrew is imagining himself as a god? And he's all skipping around in a field of daisies, singing, wearing a toga & what-not? That's about as much logic as you'll find inside my brain when I'm sick. Okay? Okay.

Let's roll.

1. First on the agenda, I need to share a few things that made me laugh today. And I'd find a more creative/witty way to phrase that, but again with the whole MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING-ness. Apparently it is capable of using capslock, though. Funny things this-a-way )

2. Not sure if/how long it'll continue for yet, but the BSG rewatch has commenced. I watched 33, Water, Bastille Day, and Act of Contrition today. I have just a few things to say )

3. I am finally ready to talk about Bones. Of course by now no one probably cares, but that's okay. I took notes, yo. So, there. Feverish Bones rambling. Fun, fun. )

I'm going to be wacky & wild and end this entry with three points today. I don't usually do that. I could stretch it to five, but I won't. This entry's already ridic.

For my Vid of the Day, let's celebrate the fact that it's Southland/Parenthood Day, shall we? Sure, sure, Southland already had its season finale, and Parenthood is a rerun tonight (new eps come back in two weeks). I know. Grr hiatus grr. But I don't even care. HAPPY SOUTHLAND/PARENTHOOD DAY ANYWAY.[/still with the capslock. Apparently colds make me hyper]

This one is by vortex199, btw. I should probably add that. Heh. And I'm going now before I can talk more.

rachg82: (Dancing!Bones)
First on the agenda today: why aren't there more happy break-up songs o' happiness like this in the world? Haha. I mean, really.[/evil]

(and you guys know I also loves me some Let It Go from Hi-Tek. That's my jaaaaaaam right there.)

Of course there's also always the stand-up route if you're in the mood for that sort of thing: Bridget McManus will love you 'til the lease runs out.

Smoothly changing subjects, I finally made it out with my friend today. (Whaaaa? Me being social? Yes, and then pigs flew. It was a ~whole big thing~.) We decided to go to a nearby mall instead, picked up some fruit smoothies, watched her baby in the play area, walked around, and went shopping. I bought a new pair of jeans (which I'll of course need to have hemmed because I'm an oompa loompa) and two new tops. Since I'm a dork, I took pictures of the outfits (like Cher in Clueless! Ha), which I'll post behind a cut. Also, I talked with my friend a little about weight stuff today & that'll go behind the cut as well. pictures & body image nonsense )

Anyway, Bones is on now, so I'm gonna skidaddle. I shall return posthaste with my thoughts on the ep!

(Well, maybe not "posthaste," but--you know--soonish.)

In the meantime, enjoy this Vid of the Day by [livejournal.com profile] ima_tv_junkie. Note the song choice! Gee, I wonder who gave her such an INCREDIBLE rec? Hee hee.

rachg82: (bsg i salute you)

Ahem. Sorry about that.

What I meant to say was: remember back in 2009/2010, when I did my BSG recaps for The Oath & Blood on the Scales, & I decided that the arc kicked so much ass it should basically be referred to as an "ass-kicking convention"?

(Let me repeat. ASS. KICKING. CONVENTION. Take a moment to picture that in your mind. Ninjas in nametags, folks. They ain't there to make nice.)

Right, well, tonight's Southland? Was clearly given an invite & made sure to RSVP.

cut for spoilers & flailing )

In other TV-related news, Parenthood was also fantabulous tonight. Not that anyone should be surprised by this either, but hey. Let's talk about it. Thanks for making me cry, show (in a good way) )

For my Vid of the Day, we're gonna rock some BSG up in this ish. This one is by freelancerxo02 (P.S. I wanted to do a two-for-one special & include this in-yo'-face-with-the-darknesssss vid as well, but the embedding was disabled. Frak it all) & focuses on the ass-kicking convention eps I mentioned above. It is AWESOME. Like, crazy awesome. Probably the best vid about these eps I've seen yet. My only complaint is that it doesn't include Roslin's "I AM COMING FOR ALL OF YOU" tirade. Come on. Every bomb, every bullet. *Eyeteeth* That's not the type of thing to leave out.

rachg82: (Adama/Roslin reading is sexy)
1. Oh my God, self. Way to sleep in until 5 o'clock in the evening. GO TEAM. So much for taking a Jaunty Woodland Walk today! It is going to be so hard to rearrange this whole owl-like schedule I've fallen into, I swear.

FIVE O'CLOCK. It's not like I've never done it before, but sheesh. That is just ri-donkey kong-ulous.

2. At least I finished my PWP ficlet last night/this morning (whatever, "time". With your "AM/PM" nonsense! I MAKE MY OWN ROTATIONAL AXIS, EARTH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Um…or something) Yay.

I do by the way consider it a fic, not a poem, although I'm okay with others calling it that if they want (which some have). cut for some writerly pondering )

3. There are legit snowflakes mixed in outside with the rain right now. It's almost March, yo. This is Oregon. That is simply NOT how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts. (haha, [livejournal.com profile] dosidella, I told you I'd make that a thing)

4. My ficlet wasn't large enough to warrant a full-fledged ginormous soundtrack this time, but I will at least share ten a small army of songs which may or may not have assisted in the writing process. Mini-Fanfic-Soundtrack: You Must Be This Short To Ride. (P.S. that's what she said) )

5. I'm about thisclose to calling Southland the BSG of cop shows. It's getting there. I can feel it. It's not *quite* there yet (Sammy held back! If he'd gone for it--and by "it", you know what I'm talking about--I would've given it that title. I was partially convinced he was about to turn the gun on himself), but it's on its way. The lighting, the gritty realism, the "We're gonna make you watch this scene with one hand over your mouth, because you KNOW WE AIN'T AFRAID TO BRING IT & we might be about to throw down, son"-shit, the acting, the *human* drama & comedy, the directing, allll of ittttt. I love it, love it, love it. I'm not at all cool with there being only a couple more eps left this season. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Ooh, and? I have a new theme song for John Cooper. Trick love da kids!. Hahahaha. Seriously though, I love what a freakin' SOFTIE he is every time anything comes up with foster kids. He just loses his shit. Screamin' at case workers, prowling the town, you name it. Then he slowly walks up to the kid like a gentle Mama Bear (or perhaps like a lion with a thorn in its paw--so many similes, so little time), and it's like, "I'm sorry. Who are you, again? Aren't you usually the hard ass?" Hee. I LOVE HIM. He's my favorite, after Lydia.

Come to think of it, oh my God, he's kind of an Adama. I wonder if he furiously brushes his teeth in the morning with a Care Bear Glare Stare & flails paint around when he cries?

6. Parenthood last night was am-aaaaa-zing, as usual. That show really, really gets the dynamic between siblings when it comes to having an addicted/shitty parent. Everything that went down in that storyline was just A++++. Also? Ha HA! at that scene with Syd and her grandparents. I've told you guys before about the time I was a kid & my stepmom ordered me to stay at the table until I ate her taco salad, right? Yeah, I stayed there until bedtime & didn't eat a bite. I WILL NOT EAT YOUR LETTUCE, WOMAN. I TOLD YOU & YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.

The clip with Max and the TV brought back some memories for me too, I have to admit. I'd like to think of myself as having been a good kid (and I really was, considering everything I had to deal with around me), but honestly? I raised some hell at times. Only rarely to that type of degree (that I remember), but when it did happen, it would be triggered by similar things--something not being done the same way as before/as planned/feeling out of control, etc. Like, you'll notice that whole argument for him started by him being upset that she didn't start the homework at the same time that Abby (his behavioral aid) did. He expected to still be allowed to watch TV, because she hadn't followed the rules properly herself; ergo, it was irrational of her in his opinion to expect him to. In my case, the particular memory that it inspired was different, but I just remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my stepmom because she wasn't washing my hair "right" in the bathtub (obviously I was still relatively young at the time), and how she told me years later she'd end up leaving the bathroom in tears sometimes because she didn't know what to do with me. I'd freak if she didn't bend my ears down ~just right~ (so no water would go in), I'd freak if she'd use the "wrong" type of glass for rinsing out the shampoo, et cetera. It was a whole big thing. And when I say "screamed at the top of my lungs"? I mean high-pitched, full-bodied *screamed*. Sitting there shaking & bawling, having a complete breakdown. "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT! I WANT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! I TOLD YOU TO DO IT LIKE *THIS*! YOU'RE STUPID!" My dad would have to walk in & try to intervene, bla bla bla. It ended with me "teaching" her the proper methods of bath giving, and eventually she just didn't give me baths while I was there (I'd just wait to wash my hair until I got home since I couldn't rinse it myself "the right way", at least until I was older & started showering, which wasn't until I was at least eleven or so--I was intimidated/scared of the shower & remember feeling like I didn't know "how" to do it). Yeah. Er, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, MARY. Heh. God.

I'm really looking forward to next week's episode, by the way. Max learning about his ASD will make that plotline contain so much more depth than it already does, which is saying a lot. I will be really bummed if Abby stays away though. I liked her. (Jasmine bugs me, too. Ugh. I still want her on the show, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if she & Crosby are right together.)

7. I can't believe we have to wait two more weeks for Bones. What kind of shenanigans is this?

8. I really want ice cream right now. I choose to blame [livejournal.com profile] keenai for this.

9. I also feel like rewatching a BSG ep right now. Which one should I choose? (I'm leaning towards "33" since I was talking about it with Jen the other day, but I'm open to recommendations)

10. My Vid of the Day today comes from thay2504. I randomly came across it on YouTube last night, and omg the flaily hands it gave me. FLAILY HANDS. That ending! Brennannnnnnnn. You are my homegiiiiiiirrrrrrl.

rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
1. I'm still enjoying this whole drowning-everyone-in-music/tidal wave o' recs concept, so--check it: three songs I'm listening to today )

2. While I'm sharing links, I had to shine a light on this MTV True Life episode on ASDs. Jeremy typing out his feelings after fifteen years of silence & Jonathan wanting to be a "normal teenager"? I WEPT.

3. Speaking of ASDs, who saw Parenthood this week? THE BUG PARTY. Hahahahaha. "Just cheese!" I was dying. Not to mention, "one perfect kid"? C'mon! My heart can only take so much. With his happy little face? Interrupting Amazing Andy every 2.5 seconds? Maaaaaaax. I love you forever & ever. (it helps too that the rest of the episode was fantabulous as well. Seriously, THIS SHOW. I just love it. Julia's ass! Making love to dough! Heeeee.)

Btw, for those who'd like to watch it now & haven't yet? I'm here for you.

4. Dear Southland, keep kickin' ass. It suits you. Love, me. (there's really nothing else to be said. IT JUST KICKS ASS.)

5. Is there a petition I can sign somewhere requesting that Ron's ex-wife return more often on Parks & Rec? Good God, I love her. And, while I'm on the subject of Thursday night comedies, the fact that Pierce saw a little man while high on pain killers? I believe it. I remember once my mom told me she'd hallucinated a tiny man on my sister's shoulder talking to her, so…yeah. 'NUFF SAID. (P.S. I heart Troy so hard for turning down that hot librarian after she called Abed "weird". I basically ship Troy/Abed at this point, ngl.)

6. I suppose I should try to talk about me too, huh? If it's not obvious already, I'm kind of trying to NOT think about me. I'm a bit exhausted by it all. I just want to be okay, and if I'm not, I want to ignore it. You know? I'll force myself to talk anyway though. I know if I don't, I'll reach a melting point. )

I'm gonna be wild & crazy and end this list on a #6 for once (I usually do lists of five or ten items), which I could explain away to my obsessive brain as something I'm doing due to six being one of my favorite numbers, but which instead I'll do as a way of forcing myself to be spontaneous for once. WELCOME TO MY BRAIN. IT'S WEIRD.

(note: I would not be able to put my Vid of the Day as #7 though, because I hate the number seven. Ha. Seriously. It gives me uncomfortable feelings. Much like the idea of touching a wild mushroom or adult feet.)


For my Vid of the Day, I can't embed the video (DAMN YOU, YOUTUBE), but I highly recommend clicking the link anyway. For anyone who wanted to know what it was like to hang out in person with me during one of my '80s movie nights with Amy last year? This is what it was like.<---i.e. non-stop mocking/over-analyzing/occasional singing. Heh. That being said--this vidder turns it into an artform. "Mullet with headliggghhhts!" HA.
rachg82: (Default)
I'm going nutbars waiting for Bones to start, so I decided to write. Sometimes I get self-conscious about my personal writerly stuff though, particularly when I don't have any non-creative RL crap to go along with it as an excuse for posting (and it's not fanfic), so that's why I'm disabling comments. It's not that I don't want to let people comment--it's more so to prevent me from *caring* if people comment. I'm too sensitive & neurotic right now to be rational about it. Make sense?

I just want to get in the habit of letting myself write/feel things when they come up without caring about the response, in other words. Think of it as a practicey-slash-cathartic thing, but I'm still letting it be public 'cause that's just how I roll.

bla bla bla (note: this may or may not be triggery to those with ED issues) )
rachg82: (dollhouse sierra shadow)
Life is kind of kicking my ass right now. Cut for venting )

I will add too that I have an idea brewing for another fanfic, which should help. It's actually something I've been kicking around for months, but I think I'd like to actually do something with it now. We shall see. If I do though, I want to wait until at least after Thursday to start it. I've got to decide how to weave in the present Booth/Brennan relationship & what-not. I think I'd like it to largely be about Bones' adolescence this time (i.e. the foster system, specifically, & possibly some of her college experience, though I'm not sure yet). That will probably be the main focus. It hasn't been explored on the show nearly enough for my liking, & even my first fic only skimmed the surface of that time period. I'd really, really like to delve, and then find a way to bring that past to the present in a way that would make Brennan & the others confront/remember it exists again while also bringing new things to light, much in the way that the first couple seasons did. Oh yeah, and I want to fit in that cracky costume party. (Always with the crack) So, yes. I'll let the ideas simmer more, and then we'll see where it goes. I need to make sure I start looking for work & clean & all that, but if writing gets me to sleep less & feel more human again? I'm for it.

I'll focus on another of my favorite movies for my Vid of the Day today. This one's by borefuckingdom (I'd think if you were "fucking", you probably shouldn't be bored. Just sayin') & is about Requiem For a Dream. I know this is one of those super disturbing/depressing ones, but I love it. Because of Kim, because of my mom, and because it's just brilliantly acted & directed. Fantabulous. It hits hard because it *should* hit hard. I like movies & TV shows that aren't afraid to bring it.

rachg82: (dollhouse dreams)
Writing is supposed to help when one is overwhelmed, right? So, I'm here. I feel bad for it though, so please feel free to just ignore this post if it's…I don't know. Whatever.

I want to think I'm fine, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I kind of think I'm not. I feel like August again. Like September. Like I'm sliding, falling. I look at the time & it's hard to breathe. There's too much time left. I've already wasted too much.

I want to snap out of this, because I was improving--hence the "but I'm really fine; I'll be okay. This is just a temporary setback. I'm probably about to start my period"--but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping I will, but I don't know. I'm scared I won't. My thoughts aren't providing much motivation.

Little things shouldn't knock me down. But I was already depressed. How much loss can one person handle within a twelve month period? How many times can people who say they care pull off a mask & reveal cruelty? I feel browbeaten & shellshocked.

I wrote (on paper--like ye olde days) earlier tonight to try to deal. Cut for triggery stream of consciousness tripe )

That's that. I'm trying. I know rationally that this was a big blow, after months of many big blows. I guess it's "okay" to be extra depressed right now, especially considering I…you know…already was. My resolutions have totally crumbled. But hey, no significant SI. I'm alive. Points for effort. I think going a while not hearing from my family would help, assuming that can be managed. I still can't even hear a car door shut outside without tensing up. I need some peace. If I can try, little by little, to get my place cleaned up, and get my resolutions back in gear--not all at once, but just day by day, gradually--I should get there. I'll be okay. It's all right that I'm struggling for now though, right? It doesn't make me even worse of a person?

That last sentence made me tear up, even if nothing came out. Well, I guess I'm starting to feel it? Writing did help after all. Yay for that.

I would like to try to keep this thing balanced though. I don't like being all doom & gloom 24/7. It's not my way. So, in the interest of making room for light amongst the darkness, let's talk about Bones this week (and by "this" week, I mean last week. You know what I mean).

The Sin in the Sisterhood )

For my Vid of the Day, I'll cheer myself up with one of my favorite, favorite movies. This is by Alias4557:

August 2017

20212223 242526


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios