rachg82: (topher remember)
I'm up late tonight, angsting over whether my unemployment claim will be successfully reopened and, if so, whether this last week will count, etc, and I figured it might be a good time to refocus my attention somewhere less crazy-making. I'm not going to know either way until Tuesday, so there's really no point in stressing (of course that's not going to stop me, but nevermind that). Especially since regardless of financial woes, today of all days is a giant reminder of one thing: at least I'm alive. I'm not always thrilled by that fact, but even so, right now? I'd prefer to be not dead. That might change a day from now, or a week from now, but *now* is where I am, so there you go.

And I know some would rather treat this like any other day, not make a production out of it, and I get that--and respect/don't judge it--but for me, I've always felt it was important to remember significant events when I can. Not as an obligatory type thing, but simply because it's just the way I am. I'm retrospective like that.

That being said, this is one of those entries where I almost feel like it cheapens things to allow comments. The post should just stand for itself. It's not looking for a response. Y'know?

Rather than come up with some poignant look back at the ten years that have passed, however, I'm just gonna keep it simple & type up my private diary entry from that day. I of course won't edit or correct anything, so bear that in mind. You're dealing with 19 year old Rachael here, not 29 year old Rachael. cut for those who'd rather skip )

Ending this, I will add at least one more thing: I watched a special last night on TLC about Frank De Martini and Pablo Ortiz, and I think of all the coverage I could've seen, that was the right pick. I've said before that 9-11 was like the best & worst of humanity, all put on film for the world to see, and those two men exemplify that. Simply because they were willing to face death, more than 70 others got to live. When you get past all the bullshit, all the douchery that the human race is capable of, it's good to remember that people can actually be that fundamentally kind.

I'll leave everyone now with one of my favorite songs, performed by the BBC orchestra on 9/15/01 in honor of those who died:

Voice Post

Jun. 28th, 2011 07:33 am
rachg82: (Default)

For those of you who'd like to check out the documentary I mentioned, here you go:

ETA: I thought I'd found it on YouTube as well, but it's only the first couple minutes (with an option to rent the full movie--I didn't even know you could rent things on YT). Still, if you'd like that link anyway, here it is.

rachg82: (Brennan special snowflake)
My allergies are going bonkers this morning (itchy, itchy, itchy, itchy, ITCHY nose. Itchy face, itchy hands, itchy everything), I only slept two hours, and I feel utterly barfy. The allergies make sense, since I kept going behind my entertainment center yesterday, trying to figure out my TV, and it's hella dusty back there. The insomnia & nausea can be linked to emotions & their annoyingness. Plus I took a nap yesterday, pretty late in the afternoon, so waking up early this morning isn't exactly ~bizarre~. Still.

Anyway, my TV still doesn't work (part of me keeps hoping it'll magically turn back on), and I have my follow-up appointment tonight at the naturopathic clinic--I'll be able to find out the results of all but the hormone test, which I'll do after my next period--and that'll get me out of the apartment for a while, but there are a lot of pesky hours between now & then. Pesky, nose-scratching hours. (I need to go buy an antihistamine, seriously.)

…and I had to take a break just then, because I did in fact barf. WHAT FUN.

Whatever, back to the entry. (Sorry for all the complaining, btw)

Point is: I'm cranky & bored, too icky feeling to want to get up & clean, and too tired to focus on my fic yet. Hence, more spam for you lovely ladies.

Oh, and btw? Before I get into the final batch of pictures here, I have news: BBC America is now airing Battlestar Galactica. They just showed the miniseries the other day, so if you start watching now you can jump onboard the Awesomesauce Train with me & sit at the cool table.[/peer pressure]

What's that? You want a glimpse as to what you're in for? No problem:

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO DAMNED MUCH, Y'ALL. That vid legit gave me chills.

Okay, enough of that & on with the pictures. These ones are mostly from the '80s, though there's a few from the '90s as well. There's pretty shots of Oregon being pretty, my chubby baby face, and horrendous clothing to get your day started off right with some good ole fashioned schadenfreude. You know you enjoy that.

Come be retro with me & distract me from my boredom with comments )

And that's all, folks. Hope it was fun (and encourages you to post pics of your own. I wish people would do that more, especially old ones). It helped keep me busy long enough for my nausea to subside & my anti-itch cream to do its thang, so that's a yay.

P.S. If they're done with their renovation, I'll try to hit up Voodoo Doughnut tonight for that photo meme question of yours, [livejournal.com profile] keenai. Cross your fingers for me--I really want an Old Dirty Bastard. Oreos, peanut butter, chocolate frosting, NGH.

For my VotD, let me pass on some music-y joy. THIS MADE MY FREAKIN' DAY. Honestly. So great.

rachg82: (Default)
As promised in my long-as-hell flocked post, here is the meme [livejournal.com profile] filledusoleil86 tagged me for[/ending with a preposition. WHAT].

clicky )

For my Vid of the Day, I'll share another S-themed song. The Portland Rose Festival has begun--cue: sailors everywhere--so it's about that time, y'all:

rachg82: (tigh/ellen this calls for a drink)
Yep, you read that right--1,000 posts. THEM'S A WHOLE LOTTA WORDS, CHICAS.

(Psst: note the Rocky theme song as my current music selection. Heh. *runs heroically up flight of stairs*)

Obviously, I couldn't let this ~momentous event~ pass by without some kind of tribute. I mean, seriously, if you stretched my entries out one per year, you'd have a millennium of Rachified Rambling. WHAT THE.

Thankfully, I have my Year in Review posts & lots o' tags for lots o' subjects, so taking y'all on a journey down Memory Lane is as simple as pie. (Though, can I just say, pie? Is not simple. WTF, cooking cliches. It should be updated to "simple as ordering a pizza." THAT'S simple. Plus, pizza can also technically be called a pie. HA, relevant.)

Anyway. I thought about how to organize this, and I decided that I wanted it to be something celebratory & fun; the sort of thing I could look back at later for cheering up when needed (similar to my Year in Review posts, but focusing solely on positive things). So, I gathered together a mess of smile-inducing pictures & quotes & other random nonsense from the last 8.5 years and smooshed it all together into one cray cray sentimental entry. It's exactly the type of time-suck project I needed last night, and I hope the rest of you will enjoy it too.

P.S. This misty water-colored event is dedicated to all of you on my flist, most especially: [livejournal.com profile] dosidella, [livejournal.com profile] keenai, [livejournal.com profile] sonneta, [livejournal.com profile] nomnivore, [livejournal.com profile] jasminelily, [livejournal.com profile] auroura76, [livejournal.com profile] maryng, and all the rest of the original Meta/TWoP crowd. Y'all have been with me from the *start*, and I KNOW you're a huge part of why I'm still here. And I do mean that literally. I am so grateful for all of you.

Aiiight, but enough of all that, and let's get down to it.

Like the corners of my mind: 1,000 side effects of verbosity. Damn, this bitch can write )

I don't even want to know how long this will look, considering all the pictures. Heh. *covers eyes & hits "post"*

For my Vid of the Day, let's keep with the theme:

rachg82: (abed humbles me)
I've already polished off the first two discs of season 1. Considering I slept 14 hours last night, & all of my TV watching was done before going to bed? That says a lot. It has been such a pleasure catching up on all the episodes I missed last year. THIS SHOW IS SO GOOD, Y'ALL. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating at all here. It makes me crack up so hard that I have to wipe actual tears from my eyes, & I frequently have to press rewind because I was laughing too loud to hear the next thing they said. It's just hysterical and so, so clever. Especially if you enjoy the use of meta, pop cultural references, & smart, quirky humor like I do.

Also: cut for flailing )

Moving on, I thought I'd share some pics with you guys. I noticed another flistmate post stuff from her scrapbook, and it made me remember the one I created as a teenager. It includes some of my happiest memories, and it's kind of a time capsule unto itself. Those of you who've known me since the meta boards (i.e. since this journal first started in '02) will remember some of these pics, since I posted them on the old yahoo meta photo album, but for the rest of you these will be mostly new.

Also, consider this a reminder, [livejournal.com profile] huh920, that I'm still stalking you. Heh. I want everyone to post pics, damn't.

Scrapbook pics: Let's party like it's 1999 )

Before I go, I also came across a poem [livejournal.com profile] dosidella wrote & sent to me for my 21st birthday (a.k.a. in 2003), which was with my scrapbook but not pasted into it yet. For the sake of posterity, I thought I'd include it here as well. Best BFF ever, yo. excuse me while I get verklempt )

For my Vid of the Day, let's show some love to Troy. This one's by shoopdancer2504.

rachg82: (Adama/Roslin arm in arm)
Such an evil subject heading, ha. Between it & the VotD I plan on posting? Gah. TEARS. I can hardly even look at my icon, heh. ADAMA & ROSLIN ARE TAKING OVER MY BRAIN AGAIN. Big-time.

Anyhoo. I feel like wasting some time; who's with me?

Meme that everyone & their grandma is doing )

…I can't believe how long that took.

Before I go, a few more things:

-My BSG rewatch is up to "Epiphanies." Tyrol is awesome; Boomer breaks my heart; Baltar is hilarious, & his connection to Head Six is fascinating (I could ramble forever about her. I might in my next entry); Tigh is awesomesauce (MARTIAL LAW, Y'ALL. THE SLOW-MO EXIT); Bear McCreary needs to bear my children; Starbuck is a bad-ass, and Helo is the best BFF evah; Leemo is cute; Adama is a carebear, & I want to effing squish him; Laura-"That's *Madam President*, Gaius"-Roslin is a motherfrakking HBIC, and her relationship with Adama makes me like this: ealihgoiahopihaoggh.

P.S. PEGASUS. I've already talked in-depth about why I love this arc so much.<--flaily review o' pensive worship.

-I have three songs/vid ideas to share:

For Adama/Roslin: Day Too Soon, Sia.

For Booth/Brennan: Sway (The Perishers) or Three Wishes (The Pierces).

I have more on the way, but I'll save them for later.

Lastly, here's the evil Vid of the Day I mentioned above (by Sczep84). Must. hold. back. weepy fangirl tears. I can't help it! Her story is so deeply touching & human. I love all of it.

rachg82: (Brennan special snowflake)
1. I'm hungry. Frankly, it's irritating me. Heh. [livejournal.com profile] juliedarling, you were right. I'm still on one Topamax per day, but omg STOMACH RUMBLINGS. WTF is THIS all about. Look, body, it's 3:30 in the morning (as I start this entry), you've already woken me up with a headache (which is at least now at bay, thanks to Excedrin), we both know there's no edible food in this apartment, so what do you expect me to do? Alchemy? THAT'S FOR METALS, STOMACH. Also, it doesn't exist. Make some sense, ye. *medieval rimshot* (Ahh, who doesn't love an oh-so-timely alchemy pun? No wonder I'm single.)

Okay, so I can acknowledge how unfair it is of me to expect my stomach to just ~not be hungry~ when all I had yesterday was a burrito & chips, but it still bugs me. Irrationally. Like, if I choose to eat, fine. But my body telling me to? Annoying. There should be a message system allowing you to tell it in no uncertain terms, "YOU'RE NOT GETTING FOOD UNTIL SUCH & SUCH TIME. STFU UNTIL THEN; I HAVE THINGS TO DO." Like a little keyboard that pops out of your stomach & then slides back in. Then your stomach can receive the message & be all, "Bitch is you crazy?" And you can be like, "Maybe I am, stomach, and MAYBE I AM."[/SNL Dog Show reference. Heh. Except that particular skit has a different variation of their usual "maybe I am" bit, but whatev. Close enough.]

(I do at least have peanut butter, though. That is seriously the depths of patheticness I've reached. To avoid passing out, I must dig peanut butter out of a jar with a plastic knife. OH YES, did I forget to mention? My actual knives are dirty. I do, however, have plastic knives. I AM SO LAZY, I WENT FOR THE PLASTIC ONE. Not only that, but I *bought* them so I wouldn't have to do dishes the other night. She shoots, she scores.)

At some point this weekend, I'm going to have to clean out my fridge (thar be monsters & expired milk) & go to the store. I also need to call my old friend/coworker to ask for directions to the call center where she works so I can apply there. Then I need to call the unemployment place about getting an extension (assuming I don't "luck out"--woo, meh--and get a job right off the bat where my friend works. You never know). In the midst of all this, I can practice *not* panicking & envisioning myself homeless or dead in the upcoming weeks (whatifIdon'tgetthebenefitswhatifIcan'tpaymybillswhatifwhatifwhatif, etc). I'm really not comfortable with the whole loss of control thing--it cannot be stressed enough. Deep breaths. I'm trying to joke through it, but I honestly am very anxious.

2. I've been too busy doing absolutely nothing to write my Bones review yet. Well, there was some sleep in there too, and going through my room trying to find things. That was uber exciting (not really). I'll try to have it up this weekend, though. For now I'll just say that I loved it. I don't know anyone who didn't, heh. Like, hello, obvious statements are obvious. (as a sneak-peek/random aside, however: this was my reaction to Booth in the diner scene. Hahaha. Don't worry, though, he more than made up for the transgression throughout the rest of the ep!)

3. I need to get back to writing my fic. Hopefully the new hiatus (oy, with the hiatuses already) gives me the motivation. I haven't felt very motivated for *anything* lately. I think stress is blocking me. I get this way when I'm really worried about something that's unresolved. I feel like I can't do anything until it's over. It just like OWNS me. But at the same time, the idea of calling my friend/the unemployment agency/etc is also overwhelming. So I'm stuck in this AGHHHHH-state of "omg just knock me unconscious." Hence why nothing is accomplished. Not dishes, not laundry, not anything. I'm just fucking frozen. There is *too much to do* & I don't know what to do first & I can't THINK & aeaiohgoihgh. Too many things *hanging*, metaphorically. Like quicksand, surrounding me. It's so, so hard. I know the ways to deal with it--take everything bit by bit--but that doesn't make it not hard. It's like there's too much information in there ("in there" being my stupid brain), and sometimes I just need a reset button--something to wipe it clean. An aide to walk me through things step by tiny, meticulous, super-thorough step. Ugh. It's exhausting. Like, "Okay, Rachael. We're gonna make dinner now. I know we need to do the dishes first. I KNOW. First this section. Okay, now this section. Breathe, breathe. All right, so you'll have to wash that pan by hand or wait to cook until the dishes are done. I'll help you make that decision, too. Yes, I understand you were already breathing--that's not what I meant. Diaphragmatic breathing, Rachael. What? The pan has mold? Now you want to throw it out? Oh, Jesus. Okay, let's logically weigh the pros & cons of making something that doesn't require a pan, including its most likely lower nutritional value based on the limited options of what you're willing to eat vs. going to the store to buy a new pan & how much estimated time that will take--including the walk there + the shopping--added to the time it takes to cook, added to how hungry you are, added to how much money it will cost. No, skipping dinner entirely in a meltdown-esque fit of obstinate pouting is not an option." WELCOME TO MY LIFE, FOLKS. Let's not even get into what it's like to cook with me. Everything is a freaking ~operation~. "At exactly what intervals of time do I flip the burger? I NEED EXACT INTERVALS."

4. I enjoy peanut butter. Just felt like sharing that with you all. Also, it's now 5 am. I am very wordy. Ha.

In other news: I found my old private journal from August of 2001 through May of 2002, today. A long time ago, I'd typed up the entries on here & backdated them, but later I deleted the whole thing + I eventually misplaced the journal in RL as well. All I had left were a few excerpts from my 2002 Year in Review post, which in a way is like reading the ending to a story without the beginning. I actually sat down this afternoon & read through all of it. I'd like to have something ~thoughtful~ & indepth to say about it, but right now I don't yet. I might later, maybe even type some of it up again, I don't know. You know how sometimes something hits you in a way where you can't say much of anything about it? It's just too deep? I guess I just forgot how much I went through. It's actually making me cry right now, which I didn't expect. Looks like I do have a few thoughts )

5. Aaand it's now 6 am. JEEZ, I TAKE FOREVER WITH THESE THINGS--probably because I keep getting detoured by YouTube and what-not. Anyway. I do have one more thing before I go (and before the VotD, of course). While I was looking through my room yesterday--and found the aforementioned journal--I also found a few other old things. Sometimes being a packrat comes in handy, yo. Did you know I have a (until now totally forgotten) dolphin ring like Brennan? HA. SERIOUSLY. Pictures for proof. Also: bunch o' sentimental funtimez (bet you wish you had a My Little Pony wallet, don't you?) )

For my VotD, I have an INCREDIBLY good Kara vid by MadnessoftheDivine to share. It's like a work of art, gah. I can't even. THIS FUCKING SHOW, Y'ALL. If you aren't already onboard, watch this vid. That's all I have to say.

rachg82: (Head Baltar)
1. I had a dream last night wherein I was both watching & simultaneously present within what *apparently* was supposed to be an episode of Glee (WTF), and all the characters--none of whom of course looked anything like the people on the show--got together to sing Feelings by Floetry to apologize to a girl in their group for hurting her wittle teenaged feelings or some crap. One even broke out with the spoken word poetry, much to my horror, while they all stood there in a cheesy semi-circle, wearing headbands & looking earnest. And in the dream I was all, "NO NO NO! GLEE CANNOT SING FLOETRY! NOT THIS DAY!" Haha. I was so annoyed.

2. Hey, did you guys know it's Thursday? Wanna know something else? IT'S BONES DAY. I cannot WAIT for tonight's episode, oh my God. It looks so good.

3. Sometime either today, tomorrow, or in the next few days, I have to give in & call the unemployment people about requesting an extension for my benefits. I don't want to do it. I have to do it. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

4. I'm really into capslock this week. Don't know if you guys have noticed.[/sarcastic] Heh.

5. I had a terrible migraine last night, so I'm already feeling nervous about the "going off Topiramate" thing (i.e. the preventative-migraine meds). I'm down to one pill per day now (I was taking three--I've been tapering off the dose). Then again, it was at the end of my period, and I'd woken up from a long nap + hadn't eaten enough, and yeah. I don't know. I don't really have good choices here. All I can say to myself is that, when I get a job again, I'll find a new doctor & reassess my options. Like I said before, I can always go back on it in the future (if that seems to be the right decision), but in the meantime, I was becoming concerned that the side effects were worsening my eating issues/depression/energy levels. Plus, it's that much more money to spend every month, and the refills will soon be out--hence what started the whole thing.

I guess we'll just see. It's not even that, oh, I can't deal with being in pain, y'know? Clearly, I can. But it's a lot easier when you're unemployed. The problem is that I can't stay unemployed forever and, when you have a job, *that's* when getting the really severe migraines become an Issue<--intentionally capitalized.

But at least over the last year I did make efforts to reduce the stress in my life--if you think about it. That's one of the things my doctor told me to do, when it came to helping the migraines in the long-term. Stepping away from my family IS part of that. If I can get a job, begin sleeping & eating consistently again (i.e. regular/predictable times & amounts), start exercising again, those things will probably also help. And, again, this is something that can be reassessed later. I don't need to ~figure it all out~ right now & obsess, even though that's what my mind always wants to do.

6. On a positive note, I created tags for my Year/Decade in Review posts (I enjoy being organized), and while I was at it I took some time reading excerpts of entries from this month over the years, i.e. March in '02 & March in '03 and so on. It's an interesting way to get perspective on yourself, especially when you're in one of those "I've accomplished nothing & have no chance of getting anywhere!" shame-spirals (truth is, I *have* progressed. I'm better at understanding/acknowledging what it is I'm feeling now; I'm better at standing up for what I need; I'm better at trying new things--like writing fanfic, for instance; it's something I didn't think I'd ever have the nerve to do--etc. I'd say I'm more in touch with myself in general, which is certainly an accomplishment. It's just hard to see sometimes, understandably).

Anyway, I was thinking it'd make for a good meme in case anyone else wanted to swipe it for their lj: take whatever today's date is--in this case, 3/17--and choose an excerpt(s) from an entry posted on that day (or another day that's close, if there's nothing applicable) for each year that you've had your journal. Post the quotes together all in one entry & ~voila~. Instant self-reflection. Here, I'll even go first (possible trigger warning for some of it, as a heads-up) )

7. Speaking of shame-spirals & feeling like a failure, I got to talking with Jen about that yesterday along with the random GLUTEN-hatefest the whole world seems to be in on lately )

8. My BSG rewatch continues. Yesterday, I watched "You Can't Go Home Again," "Litmus," "Six Degrees of Separation," & "Flesh and Bone." Two things: One--"Six Degrees of Separation" cracks me up every single time (No more Mr. Nice Gaius!), and two--"Flesh and Bone" is awesome. AWESOME. "To know the face of God is to know madness." And everything he says to Kara about her childhood? Ahh, so good. The whole thing. Wanna roll around in it.

9. This entry's already pretty long, but I'm sitting on good music & feel like sharing some of it. 3 songs I'm listening to today )

10. And, finally, for my Vid of the Day, here's what I kept thinking of all throughout my rewatch of "You Can't Go Home Again." I still wish Gary the Cylon were a real show, haha. "Get ready to do your stand-up routine in Hell."

rachg82: (personal slogan)
Well, hello there, January 27th. We meet again.

Once, I looked like this:

Hey, what the crap? Rachael's blonde! )

That was a fun waste of time, eh? Ha. I so need to get my ass in the shower/do laundry/eat/bla bla bla, too. I slept in absurdly late today (like, 3 pm, late. And only got up then because my alarm was set). In my defense, however, I accidentally missed picking up my refill of Topiramate (my migraine medication) yesterday, therefore missing a dose, and it totally threw me off. That is *not* the kind of thing you stop suddenly. I could not fall asleep last night for the life of me, particularly because my heart was all race-y & I'd heard a side effect of sudden discontinuation could be seizures, even if you don't have epilepsy (its original purpose was as an anti-epilepsy drug & is still used for that too), so I was all, "OMG, I DON'T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP & HAVE A SEIZURE.[/irrational thinking] I've heard there's drooling involved, which would be most unpleasant. Also, I haven't finished my fanfic yet, so I'm not ready to die yet, in case that's a possibility." Ha. Seriously, MY BRAIN, folks. But, hey, at least my reaction was that I *didn't* want to die! That's something!

Not to worry, I picked up the refill first thing this morning, then came home & passed out. Heh. IMAGINARY SEIZURE AVOIDED. Yay. (Cut me slack--I was fairly OCD as a kid & I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If you tell me, "don't stop taking this suddenly," I'm gonna freak out if I accidentally screw that up. At least I don't feel the need to write down if I take things like aleve anymore; I used to do that, worrying I'd somehow "forget" I'd taken it & then overdose on it or something by not allowing a full 24 hours in between. Dun dun DUN. *rolls eyes*)

In other news, I started my day with barf. OF COURSE. I'm just gonna consider it symbolic & a representation of me releasing my past. Let's go with that. Sounds better than "I am uber stressed & holidays have horrible associations for me & ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH."

It's okay. I made use of my time last night--once realizing I had missed getting my refill & was gonna be up climbing the walls anyway--writing my fic. The ending is forming itself in my mind now & I'm beginning to feel really pleased with the whole thing. Holla. I can't decide if I want to wait to watch tonight's episode until after finishing it though. I have the feeling I'm really close to being done--like, might finish it tomorrow or the next day-done--or if I should watch it & let it possibly become incorporated into the story, in case anything happens that alters the plot or characterization. I think you guys know by now that, while writing, I get everything sort of just *laid out in my head*, and it frankly annoys me & frays my nerves when anything comes along to cause a deviation from that path. Ha. Like, the nerve! Of a TV show! Thinking it can do things with its own storylines! Whatev to that.

OH, and before I forget: a huge, huge thank you to everyone for their Birthday wishes/greetings/love so far. Especially [livejournal.com profile] crystalcazzie for the chocolates (that was SUCH a nice surprise!), [livejournal.com profile] dosidella for the book (thanks again, sweetie), [livejournal.com profile] vash26 for the message, and [livejournal.com profile] sonneta for the vgift. I'll try to reply individually to everyone soon, but in the meantime, I love & appreciate all of you so, so much.

P.S. HAPPY BONES DAY! Haha. In my haste to finish my fic, I kind of forgot about that. Tonight's episode actually looks really good. After all the angst & handwringing, I'm ready for some shootin'! LET IT OUT, BITCHES!

Vid of the Day:

rachg82: (topher remember)
So, I thought about something this morning. It's not just my birthday next week that's been a big deal as I try to shake off 2010 & start anew. It wasn't just Mom showing up. Or 12/31/10. It's also January 23rd, this Sunday. My stepdad's birthday. Every year: four days before mine. And almost a year since denial ceased being a possibility for me. You know paresthesia? When your hands start going all tingly & numb, and that's when you know you need to chill out, because your brain's freaking over something?

As [livejournal.com profile] keenai said in a recent entry of her own, feelings are stupid, but they must be dealt with. I've got to try to talk about this as much as I really, really don't want to (P.S. there'll be some bonus/unrelated shit about my self-esteem & issues as an lgbtq female in here, a.k.a. this is going to be--by necessity--long. My brain goes on random tangents, I know). )

For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to actually do something special. I have a handful of vids I'd like to share, each of which relate to my last few entries in some way. To spare my flist's servers, I'll put them behind a cut )
rachg82: (Default)
Oh, Modern Family. Oh, Cam. Oh, Mitch. Oh, ALL OF YOU. "Sweet Valley High!"

And might I say, God bless the fact that I didn't jump on board the Psych express until only recently, because it means I constantly get to watch reruns on USA like they're brand new episodes. Just sayin'. It had me laughing so hard last night I literally had to wipe tears from my eyes. The one where they prove Gus' parents are innocent? The tell-tale heart? The rocking chair? "Normaaaan!" I was DYING.

Except apparently one of them was new-ish; I'd just missed it somehow. "The Polarizing Express", i.e. the 2010 Christmas episode. How did I manage to miss that?! Either way, loved it. It had a chocolate snowman Gus! And giant lactose-free milk! I mean, really.

Interrupting this TV lovefest for, um, more TV: guess what comes back in exactly two weeks, guys? BONES. Sound the trumpets. Gather the troops. What troops, you say? Duh, the hard liquor soft drinks & snacks, obviously. We're gonna need somethin' to get us through the rest of this season, you know. In my case it'll be rocking & pacing.

. . .just kidding. Probably.

Actually, in all seriousness, I have the feeling things will be fine between our beloved duo before too long. Heh. But it's fun to be overdramatic, especially when so much of the fandom is that way for real.[/said with love]

Years ago, during the brief golden era when my sister and I got along & were friends, we used to have a joke about overdramatic people who always thought the world was ending (you know the type). Every time we'd spot one (or if either of us was acting that way about something), we'd put on our old man voices and go, "BUT WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WHEN THE BANKS FAIL?!" I don't even remember where it came from, but it was hilarious. Fandom makes me think of that old man voice sometimes. Ha.

Anyway, enough about TV. As for why my mood says "discontent," I don't actually feel like going deeply into it right now (I might later, we'll see), but it involves the dreams I've been having, which--if last night is any indicator--are getting increasingly disturbing. Maybe I can buy a family-issues-specific dreamcatcher to hang over my bed.

At least it got me up before noon today, though! Hey, bright side.

What I *would* like to do right now is my 1994 soundtrack. Awww yeah.

Jump in your way-back machines, y'all. It's about to get flannel-y up in here. )

And that's it, folks! HELL OF A LOT OF SONGS, EH? (when did I become Canadian?)

No Vid of the Day today, because, seriously. I might break LiveJournal.
rachg82: (Brennan walking in the rain)
All right, my lovely peeps, it's January. You know what that means:

#1: I'll be turning 29 this month (oh my Gods), and

#2: Time for everyone's favorite misty-water colored memories-filled ramblethon o' Jesus Christ-"how in the world do you have time to compile this"-ness, a.k.a. My Annual Year In Review Post.

P.S. as for how I have time? A. I have no life. B. I'm like Cher in Clueless. I love projects.

For those of you just tuning in, this post consists of excerpts from various entries throughout the year. Considering how verbose I am at times, you can imagine the work it took to get this down to one entry. I started with five. No, I'm not kidding. I actually got the "bitch, this entry's too big" error message at one point. I didn't even know such a thing existed. FOR THE WIN. Haha.

Obviously, with all the angst & drama this year, there's some darkness here (i.e. obvious trigger warning). I did, however, cut A LOT out (plenty of family stuff, for instance) because there really just wasn't room. Fortunately, that allowed me to include mucho amounts of fun memories as well, which was important to me as I wanted to keep this thing balanced. 2010 was *not* only about pain. It was also about friends, funny work quotes, fangirl flailing, and so on. Looking back, amidst the depression, I really do have so many fond memories of this year as well, and I want to make sure I have an easy way to remember them. This review will help me do that. It will also help me remember what I survived, because as you all know, I barely made it. But I DID make it. And I'm still here. No one can ever take that away from me. And I want you all to know how much of that is thanks to the support & friendship I received here.

So, this is for you guys. I love you all.

Whether you fall means nothing at all. It's whether you get up )
rachg82: (Roslin jail bars)
1. Choosing my icon today, it made me think of the BSG Kobol arc, and I seriously just couldn't help but laugh. Oh, Roslin. You're just so frakking bad-ass. "Oh, what's that? You won't return to Caprica? No problem. I'll just turn your surrogate daughter against you & have her go. Suck on that, homes. Wait, what's this now? You think you're gonna throw me in the brig & start a coup? HA. I wish you would! P.S. Send in your son when you leave, 'kay?"

Moral of the story, boys & girls? Don't make Mommy & Daddy mad. Haha. PEOPLE DIE.

2. Why must we wait until January 20th for new Bones? Not cool. You know what else isn't cool? The non-stop migraine I've had for almost a week now. Which, considering my head hurts every day anyway, isn't that strange. But this one is extra joyful & it WON'T GO AWAY FOR EVEN A MINUTE. Someone, please, stab me in my left eye with a fork. It would feel better, I assure you.

God, I hate hormones. (yes, I just wrapped up that time of the month. There's a reason for the exacerbated funtimes.<--and I do apologize for the bitching, btw. I have a very high pain tolerance, but sometimes I still need to whine. I am human after all. It fucking hurts, UGH. I feel pukey.)

3. Remember the Year in Review picture collage I mentioned? Well, I did it. I even finally got around to downloading GIMP & everything (I haven't had any photo editing software since the virus. I've just been using photobucket for icons if you can believe it<---and a mother cries in the ghettooooo[/sings] Ha). Unfortunately, I still had to use photobucket when it came to uploading the file, and the collage ended up too big for their size limits. So I had to cut it into three sections first, which annoyed me to no end (I didn't plan it that way & now it looks funny! Grr, argh.) Oh well. I'll share it anyway. It's still pretty! Also, it was uber fun to put together, as I included not only photos but also icons & random macros/etc from picspams & what-not. I totally recommend doing the same if you guys have time.

2010: Year in Pictures )

4. I did more job-hunting last night and this is all I have to say: *ties imaginary noose around head* YEAH. Seriously. As if it's not enough fun forcing oneself to apply for jobs you KNOW you'll hate, but then to also be forced to fill out tedious/headdesk-inducing applications despite having already provided your resume on top of that? Whyyyyyyy.

Afterward, I admit I was left feeling vaguely pointlessly stressed & I still haven't totally kicked the feeling. You know that sort of aimless anxiety/sadness that comes around & just *hangs*? And it's like, look, depression, I'm doing my best here. Can you just eff off? There's no 'i' in team! It gets worse for me too, because I stress when I don't know WHY I'm stressed (like an ouroboros of neuroses), all "Must fix! What do I doooooo", and I'll just sit there & try to figure out my whole life in five minutes like that's somehow gonna happen. Which of course it never does. Oh, Rachael.

5. [livejournal.com profile] keenai recommended a song to me yesterday, saying it made her think of me, and it made me feel all fuzzy & loved inside so I figured I'd share. Aww, Mary J. Blige, I wuv you )

My Vid of the Day comes from ChemAttraction and is all about Kara & Leoben. Automatically, you know that means it's going to be some intense & dark shiznit. Neckstabby goodtimes FTW! Aw yeah.

rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
We're getting closer to the end of the year, folks, and you know what that means--a hot mess of retrospective entries full o' nothing but time-wastin' tomfoolery. I just can't help myself, what can I say? I love this kind of stuff.

I'll probably do another "Best of" TV post again, similar to last year's, except obviously this time without it being dedicated to an entire decade, but we'll see. I'll need to do some vid-hunting first, if so. The usuals will be bound to pop up (XF, BSG, Bones, Buffy, etc), but there'll probably be a few new ones this year too: Dollhouse, Southland, Parenthood, Firefly, Caprica, Parks & Recreation, Modern Family, Vanguard, Infomania, etc.

I may even put together a personal photo collage of some kind, though I'm still debating whether that should simply be included within the Year in Review, amidst quotes. That may make the review too long though, especially if I get indecisive about which pics to post, so I think I like the idea of a separate entry for that. Looking at them all put together, whether it be in a literal collage or just a select few posted in a row, should make for a good walk down memory lane.

Today, what I'd like to do is create a giant little soundtrack to bid 2010 adieu. As with the fanfic soundtrack I did a while back, this will be chock-full of songs, so look at it as something you can come back to if you want, and/or a nice thing to kick back with & unwind to when you have a few hours to spare & nothing to do. Everyone loves music, right? And you know I always embed YouTube vids, 'cause I fully support lazyness like that. (who wants to make people download shit & open multiple tabs? So annoying)

Like to hear it, here it goes )

Obviously, with all those songs, this entry doesn't really need a Vid of the Day, but I'm going to be sneaky & include one anyway since this one fits. Behold, my favorite vid of the year:

There is heat & freezing, be a testament.

rachg82: (Roslin jail bars)
My scale has randomly stopped working. cut for talk of weight issues )

I keep having the most vivid dreams lately. Last night, I dreamt I was in a room with an African civet cat, except for some reason it was all black like a panther or jaguar (which is sort of strangely noteworthy, based on my spirit animal supposedly being either of those. Remember that shaman-led meditation thingie from my women's studies class back in the day? Wacky goodtimes). I got too close to it & it attacked me. [livejournal.com profile] 5brokenfingers was suddenly there (way to hijack my subconscious, Dani!) & was all "Oh, I love civet cats! The trick is to leave them alone. Just let it be." So I spent the rest of the time sort of just waltzing around it, shadowing its movements all Tai Chi-style, and it worked. It was still clearly a wild animal, but y'know, no more claws up in my grill, so that was cool.

The symbolism is pretty obvious. Sometimes, you've got to coexist with your emotions (i.e. let them do their thing vs. try to grab onto/control them)--even when they feel wild--or they will frak you up all the more. Also: don't piss off a metaphorical spirit animal. It will shrink itself into a civet cat and attack your face.

It's hard for me, I admit. Three big reasons )

Seeing as I need to start bustin' a move on cleaning & what-not (before [livejournal.com profile] dradiscontact arrives on Thursday), I figured I'd just share the rest of the poetry I found now, in one fell swoop. It's only a few anyway. Buckle in, folks. We're goin' on a ride down Poetry Lane. )

For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna share an old hip-hop fave of mine. One of the reasons I'm drawn to rap so much is because it so often is all about suffering and perseverance. It represents the underdog, the survivor, the imperfect fighter who just wants to be HAPPY & is still a little touchy & defensive from a lifetime of pain. It's no coincidence that they rap about death so much--half the time, I believe a lot of them *wish* they were dead (Biggie does after all have a song titled Suicidal Thoughts. Hello). Between my upbringing, with my own history of depression & being surrounded by insanity & addiction, and some of the kids I knew growing up, I can relate, despite not coming even remotely close to growing up in the projects. (my childhood influences were random, income-wise. My dad had money, my grandparents had money, and I lived in an apartment that was decent enough because of child support. But I had friends in my same complex on welfare and government food while also having friends up the road who owned their own man-made lakes. RANDOM. When my bf Kim--the heroin-addicted one--moved to the east side, I became friends with her friend Sara, who was in the 13 street gang--she wasn't hispanic, but she was Sioux Indian & that was close enough for that area--& who intentionally got pregnant at 14 so she could ease out of the lifestyle without being killed, and so she could "have someone to love [her]." Bear in mind this was after knowing another girl at twelve who was pregnant for her third time--she'd already had one miscarriage & an abortion--with her 19 yr old boyfriend, and her mom didn't even care. So, yes. I was exposed to a lot, despite living in the 'burbs. Pop music sometimes just doesn't cut it. After knowing girls like that, you understand that Brenda's Got a Baby isn't exaggerating.

Anyway, enough blathering. On with the song.

rachg82: (dollhouse sierra shadow)
Have any of you guys read "The Bad Seed"? *nodding to current music selection* It's a disturbing book. I know the expression originally comes from the Bible, but whenever I hear it, it's this book I always think of. I bet there's a lot of people who don't realize what a large role it played within America sociologically, not to mention culturally (hello, "The Good Son" and tons of other plots. Way to be rip offs.)


(The origins of language/tropes interest me. I digress.)

Thanks to those of you who read my flocked entry yesterday & to those who commented. I totally understand if some of you couldn't read it (long-ass & full of triggery-ness, especially) or weren't able to comment. Looking at it objectively, if it had been someone else's entry, I might've been almost afraid to say anything. "Is it okay to say 'I love you & hope you feel better soon'? That's trite, right?" So, yeah, I get it. So I just wanted to make that clear. But I do really appreciate those of you who were able to read & comment anyway. It means a lot.

As for today: I went to bed last night at like 12:30 am, which is totally unusual for me. I took it as a good thing though, because I need to get to bed earlier anyway. Unfortunately, I woke up at 4:30 from a bad dream AND with a stomach-ache. Whatever, life. At that point I gave up on sleep & went out to my living room, watching a Current TV documentary on cooking in Cameroon & Ethiopia. Because I'm me, my reaction was "YES. BOMB." when I saw the topic. Heh. Not because I care about cooking, but because documentaries + cane rats, chimps, & gorillas + tribal warfare + famine + huts & refugees = Rachael on the edge of her seat.

Afterward, I put in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", which was on my mind since mentioning it last night. I've long said "When Harry Met Sally" was my favorite movie, but I might have to change that now that I think about it. Or at least create a tie. cut for spoilers, in case people haven't ever seen it and still plan to )

I had the chance to watch the Community christmas ep this morning too and, wow, definitely a new holiday fave. I've never related to Abed more. His Christmas Train settings are Aloof, Detached, Distant, and Bjork. I can't even. . .the writers need an Emmy for that alone, seriously. Whole thing was amazing & kinda made me feel a lot better about my own crazyness.

Anyway, I did end up falling back asleep eventually, and consequently accomplished pretty much nothing today. I really, really need to go shopping, do laundry, and clean before [livejournal.com profile] dradiscontact arrives on the 16th. (Which, P.S., if you're reading this, Coda, we needs to converse on the details/time of your arrival & what-not.) Oy. I hate doing things. I'd prefer to do nothing and/or have a robot maid like on the Jetsons. That would be excellent.

I should get going though, so I can eat at some point & try doing *something*. For now, I'll leave you all with one of the poems I promised to share (there'll be more to come) and a Vid of the Day. Aforementioned old-school Rachael poem )

My Vid of the Day comes from ans99 and is all about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Have I mentioned how much I love this movie? Because I do. (Also: COULD THIS SONG BE ANY MORE BEAUTIFUL OF A MATCH FOR IT?)

rachg82: (fanfic turns me on)
1. I enjoy the fact that I'm drinking Diet Coke as I write this. (see: subject heading.) Oh, irony. You're not just a fly in my Chardonnay after all.

I also enjoy utilizing quotes so random they necessitate a trail of breadcrumbs dropped in my mind for others to understand their meaning. Is that weird?

2. Remember the cab driver who friended me on Facebook? He told me I was pretty the other day. Ruh-roh! WHY CAN'T PEOPLE I LIKE FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?

I totally just ignored him, btw. Haha. Err. And then continued talking about the myth of Narcissus with my friend. Y'know, as one does.[/awkward]

3. I ate twice the other day--can I get an "and what"? Thank you. *brushes dirt off her shoulders* Of course I didn't manage it yesterday or today, but hey, points for effort. Figures now my stomach is reacting to the shitfest stress-o-rama that is my life by bringing on the ole' cha-cha-cha (i.e. time to reach for the immodium). SUPER helpful when it comes to encouraging me to eat, lemme tell you. WHATEVER, UNIVERSE. Or, really, whatever, "brain", I should say. That's the true d-bag in this case, when you get right down to it.

4. Just over 5,100 words written in my fic, ladies and. . .well, ladies. (Dang, remember when livejournal had gents?) I've only got about two more sections to go, and I plan to burn the midnight oil if I have to--this puppy WILL be done before tomorrow night's episode. There'll be no preview clips watched or fanfics read otherwise until then, as I don't want anything influencing/interfering with my already preexisting ideas & interpretations. Like, "NO, I know what I'm writing & THAT'S IT." Haha. Sure, sure, I could keep writing after tomorrow. I know. BUT NO. I DON'T WANNA. Viva le resistance![/crazy person]

In other words: once I plan something, I'm not easily deterred. Especially since it's so ~perfect~, you know? With it being a winter finale? And me being done with my fanfic at the same time? SO CLEAN & COMPLETE. My borderline OCD tendencies will be all abuzz. Ha.

5. I'm feeling random today, so I figured I'd deliver some random-style entertainment to y'all. I waste a lot of time on facebook, having incredibly absurd conversations, and I frequently wish I could save some of them like IM messages. Finally, after a particularly ridic interaction I had earlier this week, I decided to simply take some screencaps for posterity (last names blacked out, Big Brother-style, though I'm not sure if it really matters as I'm leaving one uncensored that's a fake name. But whatever. Real last names are different seeming to me).

Also, I came across some old artwork of mine from my teenage days, and threw that in too. Good times!

Enjoy the funsies )

Aiiight, now, back to my fic so I can hammer this baby out. THE DAY IS MINE, TREBEK. (um, sorry, I've been watching a lot of YouTube & Hulu clips this week. . .and, yeah. I'm gonna go away now.)

My Vid of the Day is inspired by the Facebook conversation shared above. Blame [livejournal.com profile] 5brokenfingers for my association with this guy, as he's her boyfriend (with whom she is by the way a super cute match, hee. They ride through fields of daisies in rickshaws together--it's a thing). Seriously, when I mention that Portland is a city of weirdos? I'm not kidding. We are all complete & utter freaks.

Case in point:

rachg82: (serenity booth)
Taken from [livejournal.com profile] xmaidelx:

When you see this on your friends list, make a post, with a music video (or song, whatever works) that used to be your go to jam back in the day. The terms are relative and it's up to you, but keep spreading it around or you'll end up with wrinkles on your memories

This was a hard choice for me, as Love Like This really was the shit for me for a long time (and still is, who am I kidding)--along with many others (anything by Biggie, Bjork, Nine Inch Nails, Tori Amos, Lauryn Hill, Sarah McLachlan, Nas, Tupac, Tool, Ani Difranco, etc, was right up my alley, plus I drove my best friend *insane* singing the chorus to this song, haha. I had some very eclectic tastes as a teenager--and still do--we're just gonna leave it at that).

However, the song that won for me was the one all my friends and I used to sing CONSTANTLY to each other my senior year of high school. And I do mean constantly, complete with the clapping sections of the piece, ha. It didn't matter if we were in the middle of graphic design, computer animation, photography, WHATEVER--we wanted to know whether that bitch had ODB's money *clap clap*.

Moving on, you'll notice that I'm using a new icon. *insert tada noise here* I'm quite proud of this one. Heh. I was talking with [livejournal.com profile] melissasjack today about her new fic, & about Booth's connection to The Serenity Prayer (she quotes it in her fic, and I'd already snuck a reference to it in my upcoming fic as well), and I brought up the idea of creating an icon for it & she was like, "DO IT," so I did. Ha. At first my idea was to have it be one of those shots where he's staring at her lookin' all hot & what-not, like "Lord give me the strength not to devour this woman right now," but then I came across that screencap of them on my computer & started cracking up--it was just too perfect. She's got that "Booth, do you mind if I ask you a few questions about Zombie!Jesus?" look on her face, they're both sitting there in the church together, he's all "I can't even. . .is it wrong I want to marry you right now? That, or possibly kill you? Either way" and she's all oblivious as always, and I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT, THEY'RE TOO MUCH. Wanna squish 'em.

So, yeah. Every time I look at that icon, I'm gonna laugh. Heh. Feel free to swipe it obviously, just as long as you credit me.

In other (less positive) news: I did end up cancelling my counseling appointment. )

On a more positive note though, 25 more days until I'll have accomplished my goal to stay alive until the end of this year. That's something. I've started going back through old entries as I prepare to begin compiling my Year in Review post, and I ended up having a really strong reaction to the entry I wrote back on the night I called the hotline. Specifically, to the song I posted that night. By the time the cello started playing, I was basically sobbing. The thing is, I could've been in the ground three months ago. Really, I could've been gone way before then too--and since then for that matter--but I REALLY could've been that night. It's just, I don't know how to explain it. There are moments when you realize yourself, when you feel like your head comes above water--like you've been drowning--and you suddenly feel alive again & are *glad* to be alive. Even if you know there's still that part of you that doesn't want to be alive. You're still glad, and you're so grateful, just for that moment, that you didn't succeed all those months ago. All you can do in reaction is just sit there & cry. There but for the grace of God, you know?

It's been a really hard year. I really kind of can't wait to turn the page & say it's over. I know it's just a date, and that it doesn't actually mean anything, but New Years this year is going to be incredibly symbolic for me.

And I know I already technically posted a vid for this entry, but with all that said, I still want to do an actual Vid of the Day. Especially as I've been talking about ringing in the New Year and all. For that reason, I'm going to post the same vid I used with my Decade in Review at the beginning of this year. As I said then: sing us into the new year, won't you, Judy?

rachg82: (bsg i salute you)
Hey guys. Sorry for the sudden absence & I hope I didn't worry people by being gone so long. I plan to do a much larger entry to get everyone caught up soon-ish (just depending on when I can focus on it. I've got a killer stomach-ache at the moment & it's totally distracting me. ARGH), but in the meantime I wanted to at least post about the anniversary of 9/11 today. It's kind of insane to me that as of next year it'll have been ten years since it happened, and it's fascinating how everyone has their own memories and experiences of that day. All I can do is speak for myself of course, but through my eyes it changed everything. The decade was shaped by it. And I think it's important to stop & remember how that day affected each of us as a person, and all of us as a society. Culturally, psychologically, you name it.

I was 19 in 2001, and I think it would be difficult to convey to those of you who were only perhaps 11 or younger at the time how iconic the twin towers were for Americans who grew up seeing them standling tall in the New York skyline. Looking at NYC after 9/11 was like looking at a gaping wound, and I still feel that way to this day. It's like something is missing, but can never be recovered.

With tragedy like this, I think people tend to get caught up in politics, anger, rhetoric, and all sorts of other ways of distancing themselves from the immediate pain of what happened. As far as I'm concerned, I don't think for one second that the majority of us who were exposed to the events of that day have let go of what occurred, and that's why encouraging people to stop & talk about it today is so needed. Not to exploit, not to wallow, but to heal.

For me, when this anniversary comes around, I'm hit by memories: sitting on the couch, glued to the news, tears streaming down my face; people leaping out of flaming windows; crowds covered in ash running; strangers crying & hugging each other; desperate pictures of the missing held up for cameras; the dead priest being carried out by solemn firemen; the search dogs who had to be given fake searches with live people to look for because they became depressed after finding nothing but dead bodies for hours; office papers fluttering in the sky & melted messenger bikes. . .the list goes on.

After that day, nothing was the same. It was like an earthquake with aftershocks felt all the way across the country, across the world. But it's the details, the small memories, that are at the root of that. It wasn't just the tragedy, it was the reactions. The people who carried each other down flights of stairs to safety, the firemen, the policemen, those who kept running back in over & over to save more people. Everyone around the world who came together in mourning & solidarity. It's the memory of walking down my street in the days immediately after & not seeing a single house without a flag on the door. Not with the kind of asshole "I'm a REAL American!" xenophobic spirit we see amongst so many now, but with a "We're all in this together" sort of unity. People's hearts were in the right place. That day, in a nutshell, was like the worst & best of humanity all mashed together and caught on film.

It's so easy to forget now how real that day was, how many people are still walking around with missing loved ones, how the people on the four planes must've felt, how many last-minute goodbyes were made by cell phone when it was just supposed to be another workday, and how many people in this country didn't just face the events of that day via the news like I did but actually witnessed it firsthand. In the grand scheme of things, it's just another tragedy amongst many--there've been so many others in this world--but there's no competition here & that doesn't make it any less affecting. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think it's important to look back. Not just for the memory of those lost, but for the people who mourn them, for the society that was changed, and for the part of all of us that will never be the same.

For my Vid of the Day, I'm going to post two very different vids. First is a tribute to the memories of that day, and second is what I think of as a love song to the city of New York. Life, as they say, goes on. We ♥ you, Big Apple.

August 2017

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