rachg82: (tami scrunchy face)
Effing Christ, my upstairs neighbors are being super loud lately. It's like they're playing catch with furniture or something. And missing. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Every other minute. I don't even get it.

(of course it doesn't help that the walls are literally thin enough for me to hear one of them vomiting at the moment -- seriously)

ANYWAY, who's in the mood for some meme-osity? I won't be posting my Year in Review or 2011 Soundtrack until it's closer to the end of December, but [livejournal.com profile] bibliodragon recently shared a "first posts of the month" meme, and I thought that looked just random enough to be fun. Out of context subject headings ahoy )

Also, I got tagged by [livejournal.com profile] sonneta today for another meme:

The rules:
1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves in their journal.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
3. You have to choose 11 people to tag.
4. No tag backs.

Here are the questions she gave me )

Moving on, I finally attended an ACA meeting again yesterday & even went to lunch with some of them after. I kinda wish I hadn't done the latter though, just because of the money involved + this one lady who kept saying things that bugged the CRAP out of me. Not ACA-related, but more so society-related (hence my subject heading today -- it's from Lewis Black's bit about hearing something so stupid & senseless that you get an aneurysm from it, because you just. can't. let it. go. "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college!" Haha). But it tainted the day regardless. Even so, there were a few thought-provoking things I got out of the meeting itself, so that's good. I've had a lot of conflicted feelings about the program & some of the regulars there in general circling my mind ever since though, and I'll probably just have to hash that out with my counselor. The "Thought Train" strikes again, oy.

On a way off-topic note, I read this week that Leverage cut to protect the spoiler-free )

Finally, I'm almost done with my show meme. Only one more entry to go after this. Gilmore Girls and My So-Called Life )
rachg82: (serenity booth)
Title: Abandon
Fandom: Bones
Author: [livejournal.com profile] rachg82
Rating: A squeaky-clean PG
Characters/Pairings: Booth + Papa Booth (not to be confused with Papa Smurf or Papa Doc)
Word Count: 718
Spoilers: Nada (unless you count "The Blackout in the Blizzard," which: c'mon, that was last season.)
Disclaimer: I don't own this show, nor do I own Booth & his daddy issues.
Summary: Game Six of the World Series -- one perfect day in the eyes of a man who never truly got to be a child.

P.S. I knocked this ficlet out over the last couple days, as usual without a beta, so I apologize in advance for any possible craptasticness.

Let him be happy from time to time, and leap over abysses )
rachg82: (buffy/faith heart)
I hate when I fall behind here. Can't I just get paid to sit & write LJ entries all day? I mean, I'm just saying -- two birds with one stone & all. Plus, I'd totally be willing.

Every time I go a few days between updates, I end up all, "TOO MANY THINGS!", and as a result struggle to write anything. So, to make it easier on myself today, I'm just going to wrap up some memes & leave RL-related matters for next time. At which point there'll surely be even more things (the beginning of this week was rough, admittedly. I'm pretty exhausted right now, both emotionally & physically. P.S. this job involves WAY more moving of the body than I anticipated. My muscles, they are le sore), but nevermind that. At least I'm posting.

First up, a meme from [livejournal.com profile] lytab5:

Comment to this post with "Five Me" and I will list five things I associate with you. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your LJ (or just add a reply back to me). Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

Here are the five things I was given )

And, finally, let's finish that 30 song challenge, shall we?

Days 27 - 30 )
rachg82: (anya i finally get love)
I woke up at 5 am today, thanks to daylight savings time. Of course I thought it was six, and then got very confused for a moment when the clock on my receiver was all, "Nope. FIVE." Ugh. So. very. tired. My body wasn't designed to be awake during the day, I swear.

On a less complainy note, I discovered a new fab meal last night: ground pork burgers with sweet mango chutney. YES. Perfect companion for a fruit smoothie, fyi.

I also picked up my pants & somehow managed to buy a pair of boots. They're a size too big, but, y'know, color me not shocked by that. Done it before & am sure to do it again. With thick socks & possibly an insole, they should be okay (they're ankle boots, so they won't slip off. The real issue would be blisters, which I'm super prone to getting). I didn't have enough money left over to buy any new tops, but I can make do with the few I already have for now. People who see me every week might be like, "Damn, does she only have five outfits?" I mean not counting t-shirts on ~casual Fridays~, that is. But whatever. If they care that much, they can take me shopping & put it on their tab.

In the meantime, would anyone care to help me decide which necklace to wear on Monday? I've already decided on the shirt -- it's the same one I wore to the interview, so it's lucky now. Heh. cut for pictures )

My experience at the mall was less stressful this time, though I did feel a little shaky. But I made conversation with this girl who got on the bus with me, all the way 'til we got there, and then did the same with two other girls while waiting for my bus ride home. Helped the time pass by quicker & made me want to grab a scorecard so I could tally up some points for myself. Heh. "Social skills: you get a gold star today!"

Much like the previous night, the place was still bananas (there's like a thousand sales going on, plus I think everyone's already decided to act like it's Christmas), and I got stopped literally three times by dudes at kiosks trying to sell me crap. "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?…Do you believe in MAGIC?" 'Cause nail buffing is the work of sorcerers, y'know. Meanwhile the second guy thought his sales pitch would be helped by asking me why I didn't have a boyfriend when I was "so beautiful." Like, first off, how do you know I don't have a boyfriend? Did someone put a sign on my back? Or am I supposed to have a male escort when I go out in public? I kinda wanted to answer with, "Because I like vagina." I mean, yes, I identify as bi, but it would've been worth it for the reaction. He was trying way too hard.

Changing subjects abruptly, 'cause that's how I do, I'm debating whether to start another fic. Not another long one, just something short, Booth-centric, & set in the past with his dad (because clearly I like to transparently exorcise my childhood issues via fictional characters). I have to agree with myself first that I'll let go of the outcome though. Not get perfectionistic about it or wring my hands over a lack of comments, etc. So, we'll see. It'll depend on whether I feel I can do that right now & also of course whether the inspiration stays long enough to crank something out. I do know that they say the only way to get better at writing is to keep writing; I just need to remember that I started doing fiction (and sharing it with others) because I enjoyed it, not because I expected myself to be amahhhzing at it.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm gonna go watch some Leverage & procrastinate on doing my laundry for a few more hours.

30 song challenge: Days 20 and 21 )
rachg82: (psych roses)
Note to self,

Next time you ambitiously decide to sift through boxes of old clothes, trying things on & deciding what to toss/give away, kicking up invisible clouds of demonic dust mites in your wake, how's about you remember that you're wicked ALLERGIC to dust & build a time machine first -- y'know, that way you can go back a year or two & NEVER LET YOUR ROOM GET SO DAMNED DUSTY IN THE FIRST PLACE. Ugh.

…Okay, so they're obviously not ~demonic~, but props for alliteration, and I do feel rather possessed by them at the moment. Or perhaps "occupied" would be the better word. Like, there's currently a hayfever drum circle going on in my right nasal cavity. They keep yelling about how my sneezes will not be televised, and I'm like, "That doesn't even make sense, mucus!" It's sort of a thing.

In the interest of full disclosure, I've taken some cold medication in the blind hope that it'll help, and those tend to make my sense of humor slightly goofier than normal (heh, remember the whole "Robi: my BFF" bit last year?). At least it keeps me entertained though while sneezing every second (oh, you think I'm joking? While typing this, I've already sneezed something like, what, six times? Seriously). And it's been like this all day. Horrible. You know allergies are bad when even antihistamines won't put a dent in them. Next time I venture into those boxes, I'm totally wearing a dust mask. And probably buying a hepa filter once I have the money, particularly since turning on my heat for the first time every winter basically equals opening up the gates of Hell to months worth of stored up particulates. Thanks for that, vents!

Anyway, to the point: I started cleaning my room last night, and I even made some marginal progress--two bags worth--but I've been paying the price ever since. Serves me right for putting off shopping yesterday afternoon, as I clearly didn't even remotely feel like doing it today (in between all the itching & napping & pouting. I was very busy, you see), and now I have to deal with feeling bad about that. I mean, I called Nordstroms & confirmed they still do alterations, often for free, and that they can put a rush on the work when needed (I remember them hemming a dress for me once in 24 hours), plus they work during the weekends & are there whenever the place is open, so it's probably not a big deal to go in tomorrow & want the pants back by Sunday. However, I MEANT to go in yesterday, so my flaking out is annoying.

Oh, well. Time to get over it. I'll go in tomorrow after my counseling session. At least I cleaned a little, right? Words really can't express how much I dread either task--cleaning or shoe-shopping--so that's gotta be a win.

Moving on:

-BONES TONIGHT. Between certain spoilers & sneak-peeks, I kind of feel like I've already seen the ep (heh), but nevermind that, because BONES.

-Aside from the Robi-induced crackyness, I've actually been fairly melancholy today, and I don't know why, not fully anyway. Hopefully TV tonight will help. I'll probably feel better once I get over the procastination-guilt tomorrow as well.

-I dreamt yesterday that Mary McDonnell was hanging out with me & one my aunts, taking pictures, signing autographs, and talking about videogames in the living room of the apartment I lived in between 10-12 yrs old. I was all, "OMG, WE'RE TOTALLY BESTIES NOW. LET'S GO PLAY CRASH BANDICOOT!" Why can't all my dreams be like that?

-Most of the time, my reactions to commercials range from mild irritation to outright capslocky indignation ("WHY ARE ALL WRINKLE ADS AIMED AT WOMEN? YOU, SIR, CAN TAKE YOUR SUPPLY & DEMAND & SHOVE IT! GOOD DAY!" and what-not), but every now & again I'll see one that amuses me, like this brill series of Seattle-based insurance ads, for instance )

-I need to buy prilosec again, though my stomach has actually been doing pretty okay over the last day or so without it (still gonna get it though, obvs). I think it might have something to do with me taking the black licorice stuff again before meals, as my naturopath had advised. I'd given up on them for a while because I hated the taste so much, but seriously, self, get over it. Hopefully it continues helping, or the placebo effect continues helping (heh), either way.

-Okay, enough pointless rambling and onto what really matters: television. I don't have anything to say about Psych this week though (other than I enjoyed it), nor Modern Family (other than, "yay, Kevin Hart!", and the usual, "I ♥ Cam"), but let's talk Revenge, shall we? cut for spoilers )

30 song challenge: Day 18 )
rachg82: (Made of win)
1. A very Happy Birthday to my long-time lurker friend, [livejournal.com profile] tenik. If you're reading this, bb, I hope you have a great day!

2. Good news: I got the job. I'll be starting next Monday at $14/hr, which, for those keeping track, is the most I've ever made by one whole dollar. My schedule will be Monday - Friday, 8 am - 4:30 pm. I'm relieved I have a few days to prepare -- y'know, get my sleep schedule in order, figure out things to bring for lunch, see my counselor on Friday, and drag my ass shopping & then to the cleaners (to inevitably have whatever slacks I buy hemmed five thousand inches). Fortunately, my temp agency pays weekly; I just need to do some math & determine how much I can give my manager for rent this month & talk with her about it.

3. I clearly suck at being a girl these days, because the mere prospect of venturing into a mall has me already exhausted, and I haven't even jumped in the shower yet. Heh. Especially since I know I need to find a pair of boots as well--long overdue--and I HATE shoe shopping. Haaaate. (Size 4 feet FTW! Except not.) Though I do like the idea of searching for something cute to wear in general; I really haven't had the ability to do that in a long time. I don't have very much to spend though, but I also don't have much of a choice. I have to get SOMETHING. You can't wear jeans there, except on Fridays, and it's getting too cold to pull off open-toed sandals. I'm going to try on some of my old work tops first though as a few of them might still fit. We'll see.

P.S. I wanted to thank everyone again for their support over the last two months (I can't btw freaking believe it's already been almost two months since I lost that job. I swear to God, this entire year has been a blur. Like, ridiculously so. It's almost unreal. Mostly all I can see when I look back at 2011 is a giant fog of depression, which is saying a lot after the Good Times Bonanza of 2010). It really means so much to me. Things could've gone very differently. And I'm by no means ~out of the woods~, but I have hope that I'm going in the right direction again. I mean, I'm trying, so by that fact alone, it's right. In the end, that's all I can do.

4. I'm still working on that Stress List, and I cleaned off my desk, table, and bedroom dresser last night. Lots o' dust, that's all I can say. It feels right now like I'll never get my bedroom floor clear (so many clothes, ugh), but eventually I know I will. Little by little. Goodwill's gonna get a big donation, as will the Food Bank (I have quite a few non-expired canned goods & such with gluten in them. They're no good to me now). It'll feel good to give back, especially so soon after I needed to use a food pantry myself.

5. It seems like I should talk about TV. I'm feeling lazy though, but here goes:

Parenthood )

Castle )

Hawaii Five-O )

That's all for now. I'll have a lot more TV stuff to talk about by tomorrow night, I'm sure. New Psych, Community, Parks & Rec, AND Bones. Hollaaaa.

30 song challenge: Day 17 )
rachg82: (cam happy shipper)
1. I could not find my bat headband last night. Very sad. Also sad? No trick-or-treaters. Well, except for a group of teenaged boys who were probably too old for such a thing, though they were at least fully dressed up, & one of them enthusiastically (if not a little spazzily, ha. He like SHOUTED into my apartment) complimented my lava lamp. So, yeah, that was amusing. Except I wish they'd taken more candy; I fell into a bit of a sugar coma somewhere around 9 pm, even added a few of them into a banana mint chocolate chip milkshake, (made with coconut milk!), haha. Oh, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, I wish I could quit you.

P.S. Obviously, my stomach is feeling better atm than last week. Well, not totally, but mostly. Regardless, nothing keeps me from hoards of candy on Halloween. Straight-up.

P.P.S. I did see trick-or-treaters on my way home while riding the bus. Tigard, which neighbors my town, does this thing every year on Main Street, opening up the businesses to kids & handing out candy & what-not. It's very cutesy, appropriately so for that area, which takes the "Main Street" cliche to heart, trying to be all down-home & folksy (especially ridic considering that when Jen and I used to live down the road from there it was like non-stop crime central). There are signs up & down the road for things like "burgers" & "stamps", which cracks me up because it's like, "Dude, they can see the McDonalds. They don't need a second sign for 'burgers', like it's the one & only ~burger district~ or something." My favorite though is the "stationary" sign in front of the stationery store. Haha. Spelling fail!

2. Energy assistance was not only able to cover my entire electric bill, but also apply a $50 credit toward my next bill, due in December. V. awesome.

3. I am weak & have already watched the five sneak-peeks for Bones this week. EXCITE. My hands, they are flaily.

4. I'm making my way through season 2 of Psych now, which it turns out I'd already seen a good deal of (I'll end a sentence with a prep if I want to.[/rebel]). But that's okay, because I hadn't seen all the eps, and I don't mind rewatching stuff anyway. This show is just so much joy, y'all. I mean, LASSIE WANTED A PONY AS A LITTLE BOY. Can you even? I WANT TO SQUISH THE LIFE OUT OF HIS STOIC MR. BEAN FACE.

Also: the quote in my subject heading? OMG, I was laughing for at least a minute afterward. I had to pause it.

5. I really need to clean & do laundry & things like that, but I don't want to. I'm trying to put the "five minute" concept into effect that my counselor and I discussed (basically, if you have something you're dreading that's difficult to start, just commit to doing it for five minutes a day or whatever you can handle), but it's still a challenge. I just want to sit/lie motionless all day -- is that so much to ask?

30 song challenge: Days 15 and 16 )
rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
As y'all know, I finally finished the fic of doom, a.k.a. the eternal story that would not die (okay, so it didn't really take THAT long, but shh), which can only mean one thing: time for a soundtrack. Heyyo.

I decided not to include any repeats here from previous fic playlists, despite the fact that I did listen to some of the same stuff while writing it, but even so this bad boy still consists of no less than forty songs. Some clearly influenced the story, while others merely played in the background & assisted with mojo. That being said, you don't need to have read it or even be into the show to enjoy the music (hopefully).

Since there are so many tracks, and since LJ gets wonky loading YouTube vids these days, I won't embed them -- just gonna share the links. I will share quotes & thoughts on some of the choices, too, but not every single one.

Music, music, get your music here )
rachg82: (brennan black and white)
Title: Leaves Got Up in a Coil and Hissed
Fandom: Bones
Author: [livejournal.com profile] rachg82
Rating: A light R, if even
Characters/Pairings: Brennan, Booth, Angela, Max, Russ…just about everyone (but not together -- it's not that kind of fic, pervs)
Word Count: About 7,000
Spoilers: Up through the end of the 6th season + a bit of speculation regarding stuff that's come out for season 7.
Disclaimer: This show still isn't mine, though I like to pretend otherwise.
Summary: This fic began eight months ago as a single image in my mind that just wouldn't leave: fifteen-year-old Brennan in an empty house, standing by the door. It slowly evolved from there, delving further into things I'd briefly touched on in previous fics, & ultimately becoming a short series of less-than-linear snapshots. A verbal panorama, if you will.

Note: First, there are a couple mild mentions of self-injury in this fic, so please be aware of that going in. Second, y'all know how I roll, so there are a handful of obvious quotes strewn throughout -- those will be cited at the end. We good? Good.

What was your question? Love is the answer. )
rachg82: (mulder/scully foreheads)
1. Why must Livejournal keep changing the font for posting? I don't approve, sir.

2. I also don't approve of the liquid-hot mag-ma (and the sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their freakin' heads, obviously[/Dr. Evil moment]) churning throughout my stomach, nor whatever the eff it is I did to my back this week (maybe carrying heavy groceries home? Jesus, I'm getting old). It's seriously the kind of pain that makes you want to run into walls, flailing, all, "JUST KNOCK ME OUT." As an alternative to that, I've sort of just been spazzily rocking back & forth, bouncing my leg, & breathing like a Tibetan monk. Y'know, as one does. Ugh. Aleve & Pepto are not really cutting it, can I just say.

3. Somehow I have managed to apply for a handful of jobs though, plus I walked to two different temp agencies today. I have an interview for one tomorrow (they'll probably be the most promising); the second place did an interview with me already (less promising). On a bizarre note, I took a drug test while I was there, and she said it came up positive for meth. Whaaaat in the actual fuck. I was like, "Uhh, no. Not even." I had to tell her the medications I'd taken recently, which didn't even include cold meds (those could explain it, if I had), but she looked up Cymbalta & said she found info indicating it can cause a false positive. So she marked it down as negative in my file. It makes me feel nervous though for future tests. I really hope it's not the medication doing it, and that it was just an error on her part. I've never taken a urine test before where it wasn't run in a lab, so I didn't trust her process much. Also: I looked it up when I got home & didn't find anything conclusive in regards to anti-depressants & false positives, only a bunch of anecdotal stuff. Now of course I'm paranoid it's a kidney infection or something that's causing it, like, "My back *does* hurt! Dun dun DUN." Whatever, brain, God.

4. Meanwhile my stress levels are RIDIC. I don't even have five bucks to my name, and I wish I were kidding. At least I have food, but still. STILL. My phone, internet, & power are all about a hot second from getting cut off. Rent for November is…yeah. I can't even ealihgigh. Where's that wall again? I'd like to run into it now.

You guys have already helped me so much, and I certainly don't expect anyone to help now if they aren't comfortable with it/aren't able, but I'm pretty desperate at the moment, so I'm going to post the link to my PayPal account again in the hopes I can gather at least enough to pay half my rent for November & some of my bills:



5. I realized a flaw in my plan to look for a job as a nanny again -- it was my nephew I used to watch, so it'd be my sister that people might want to call when checking that out. And it's not that I think she'd be so petty as to lie & say I was bad or something; it's more so that I'd worry about the fallout later, personally. Her emails still go straight into spam, but you just never know. Plus what if she got that call & started going off to my mom or my grandma or whomever about how I haven't seen Jayden or Isabella in almost a year but now I'm gonna ~go watch other people's kids~ & what a horrible person I am & bla bla bla, and then Jayden overhears, and God, IDEK. I'm gonna talk to my counselor about it on Thursday, probably, to get her perspective. It might be too much for me to have to think about at this point, but we'll see.

6. I finished season 1 of Psych yesterday -- super enjoyable. Especially the last two episodes. I swear, when Lassie got Shawn's bike back for him, my heart grew three sizes. And? Jules with a pink headband is just about the cutest shit ever. I wanted to tackle-squish her. Ooh, AND: Shawn/Jules = smack your mama-levels of adorbs + I'm in love with Gus. I think that about covers it.

7. My fic is pretty much done. I only have a line or two left to write & then a final read-through of the whole thing, so: probably tomorrow(ish), barring the Hellmouth in my GI tract opening up & swallowing us all whole. Let the drumroll begin!

8. I'm still watching Castle to give it a shot, and I'm liking it more now, though not quite to a fangirly degree. At least not yet; sometimes it happens gradually for me. But it's keeping my interest. I was amused by last night's Halloween episode having such a similar plot to the Psych finale I'd just watched, heh. Oh, TV. With your tropes!

9. I was looking for a clip on YouTube the other day by Maria Bamford (one of my longtime favorite comedians), and while I didn't find the exact one I was looking for, I ended up finding something even better. Basically, the story behind it is that she had a nervous breakdown a few years back, leading to her moving back in with her parents ('cross country), and while she was there--recovering, getting back on her feet--she filmed a series of "shows" in her room, sort of documenting the experience for her fans. If you're familiar with her comedy, you'll immediately recognize the family members she impersonates, but these vids go deeper than that. They're frequently hilarious, as you'd expect, but also brilliant, and honestly pretty damn moving at times. She talks so candidly about her depression & anxiety, things I very much identify with, at a level that is super brave imo considering her public status. There are twenty "episodes" in all, only a few minutes each, and OMG they just made my night while watching. The final one had me in tears, TWICE. Like, I rewatched it today & cried all over again. It's funny how sometimes you come across something you SO need to see at the exact right time. That's how it felt.

Anyway, so I absolutely knew I'd want to share the links here, which I'll do below. If you only have time to watch one for now, though, at least make it this one:



And here are the rest )

…off to go rewatch all twenty again, brb.

10. Wrapping this up, I managed to get four days behind on that song challenge meme, so I'd better get on that. Days 7-10 )
rachg82: (adelle/dominic bringing sexy back)
1. I wrote up a to-do list this weekend (I'm calling it my "stress list" for now, heh), but I haven't gotten super organized yet with working out when I'll tackle each thing. I think I'll ask my counselor for help with that. I have at least crossed a couple things off so far, though. I did the dishes (already need to do them again, but whatever. That's life when you stop eating out every day), finished a load of laundry (many more to go--I want to clear the boxes of crap off my bedroom floor & donate old stuff, etc), took a shower, & completed my online FAFSA application for student aid. Tentatively, I think I'll plan on trying to go see an advisor on Monday, and I will probably set aside at least some time tomorrow for grocery shopping & job-related matters, most likely just filling out a profile on care.com to start & then seeing how I feel about applying for anything after. I've been having an uber hard time getting myself to start anything lately, or go anywhere, so it's slow-going. I mean, my anxiety's been pretty damn intense over the last few evenings, ngl. But I'm happy with myself for at least getting the FAFSA application done. I think that's important.

On a similar note, I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for attempting not one, but TWO new things in the kitchen yesterday. I still had potatoes from the food pantry as well as eggs--and while eggs are one of the things I'm sensitive to (on the "low" list), I really wasn't up to dragging myself to the store to buy new stuff with the SNAP benefits yet--so I watched a couple YouTube cooking vids & then made myself some tacos with fried potatoes, scrambled eggs, & cheese. I've never cooked anything with potatoes before (unless you count instant mashed potatoes, which you probably don't, heh), and same goes for eggs (unless you count adding them to baking mixes).

I struggle really badly with recipes that call for too many things to be juggled at once, especially if I don't have specific timelines for when I need to do each thing, plus I tend to put a LOT of pressure on myself to get things right, so I was already feeling wicked on edge before I even began. But it helped when I reminded myself that, y'know, no one else is here -- no one is going to get on my case if I screw up. It's not like how it used to be when I lived with my family, getting mocked or criticized or yelled at for every tiny thing. It's okay to be uncoordinated & spill things, it's okay to accidentally finish one thing way before another, it's okay if it takes me a hundred years to peel & slice potatoes, it's okay to need to look at directions over & over, it's okay to be anal about measurements, it's okay to overcook something when I'm being paranoid about undercooking it, it's okay if it ends up gross even. Fortunately, it didn't end up gross, but that's not the point. The point is I tried. And it is hard, because I did internalize a lot of how I was treated by my family over the years, so it's not easy for me to be patient with either myself or the process when it comes to things like this.

2. Thanks to a number of you, I've begun watching Revenge. I have a couple questions & thoughts )

3. I got season 1 of Psych from the library today. I'm feeling very--wait for it--PSYCHED to watch. Ahaha…ehh. Sorry about that. Heh.

4. I wish I could afford a haircut. Mine is way too long right now, like at least five inches past my shoulders. Such a pain. Also a pain? The psoriasis that's made a reappearance on my scalp as of late. UGH.

5. This entry seems like it's missing something, but whatevs, I want to go watch my DVDs. So. Time to wrap this up. 30 day song challenge: days 5 and 6 )
rachg82: (personal slogan)
You know what I really hate? When you actually feel motivated to do things, but your health is all, "NO. DENIED." I have had the same unrelenting migraine since yesterday morning, albeit now on the opposite temple because my brain likes to ~mix it up~. And I mean, my head hurts every day anyway (even if not *all* day), but I'm talking about the kind that straight owns your ass, i.e. the kind I generally only get a couple times a month, fortunately (or unfortunately, I suppose, depending on your perspective. I'm personally grateful for every moment in my life that doesn't include pain). It's receded now to the point of being tolerable as long as I keep the lighting dim, stay in a quiet place, & don't move my head around much, but it's still totally interfering with what I'd LIKE to be doing, and it frustrates me. On top of that, I really need to eat something, but the last thing I want to do is cook or go to the store, plus my stomach is icky feeling anyway.

But I'm not going to complain too much, because at least my SNAP benefits finally got processed. So when I am able to walk to the store, I CAN buy food. I do have a pork chop thawing in my fridge right now, plus potatoes, so I already have a set option for one meal as it is (two if I decide to try cheesy potato tacos, though that doesn't have much protein, and I need protein when I'm fighting a migraine); however, see above, re: the last thing I want to do. Grr, argh. River was right; food is problematic.

Anyway. Enough about that. Here's some other stuff:

-As soon as I feel a bit more clearheaded, probably after I've eaten, I'm going to follow my therapist's advice & write down a list of things I need to do/am worried about/or whatever, and try to prioritize how much I can handle doing at once & when I'll try to do them, etc. Hopefully that will make it easier for me to approach things like uber-overdue bills & job searches. As it stands, I can't even hear a mention of unemployment on TV without tensing up. I may post the list here afterward, or bring it with me to my next appointment, but I haven't decided on that yet. It'd probably be a good idea if I did, though.

-Speaking of my therapist, I had another appointment with her yesterday. cut for rambling )

-There's an ACA retreat up in Washington next month that I'd really like to attend--like a non-summer summer camp for stunted adult children--but I'm not sure yet whether it costs anything (I'm sure it does). Wah. THEY HAVE CANOES.

-We'll wrap this up with some TV/movie talk:

Parenthood )

-Psych )

-I watched a couple documentaries yesterday as well. One was from Current's Top 50 list ("Tarnation"), and the other I just came across randomly while browsing the library ("Finding Normal"). Both were really interesting to watch and well-made, though I'll admit Tarnation left me sad because it touched on a lot of stuff I've been trying to work through lately in regards to my mom's history with mental illness and doctors/hospitals, while bringing up a lot of new emotions & memories too. But it was extremely evocative & something that needed to be expressed. Kind of brilliant, actually. I just couldn't help also feeling like it was somehow incomplete or unbalanced by the end, though maybe that was intentional in its own way as well. Either way, I understand why they put it on the list.

I was totally satisfied by "Finding Normal" though (more than satisfied, really. I pretty much loved it & didn't want it to end. Seriously), despite it being much less flashy & artistic; it's the kind of documentary I'd buy if I had more money, because I can see myself wanting to rewatch it every now & again. I identified with so much of it, not just on behalf of addicts I've known (it's about a treatment/housing program here in Portland & follows both new patients & their mentors -- who are also recovering addicts themselves), but on behalf of myself & the ACA traits I picked up from them. It's like 100% real talk throughout the whole thing, no bullshit. And I love that they manage to take the topic and stay realistic, destigmatize the process of having a problem & getting help, show that not everyone makes it, yet also leave you feeling uplifted by the end. It's just exactly the kind of thing I needed to see.

For those who would like to check out the trailers, voila: Tarnation and Finding Normal.

-Lastly, I got a day behind on my song challenge, so today's VotD will cover two: Days 3 and 4 )
rachg82: (Booth/Bones superhero detectives)
1. It would seem the sun is getting in its last hurrahs here this week. It's 74 degrees outside right now & isn't supposed to dip anywhere below the 60s until after this weekend. I only wish I'd been in a better mood today to enjoy it. Like, the sun was shining, the leaves were all colorful, the air was breezy & mild…the cast of Peanuts was on the hunt for the Great Pumpkin (okay, not really that last part) -- you get the idea. But I was stuck on the longest bus ride ever (we passed Moses in the desert, I'm just saying), wearing clothes that were too warm, sniffling & sneezing from my allergies every other second, squinting so bad I could hardly look up even with my transition lenses on (I should probably hiss next time upon opening my front door or something, all "THE SUN! IT BURNS!" The effect would be way better), irritated by the five thousand other passengers & their many elbows, aaaand yeah. Hyperbolic first world problems. Heh. "Damn't, bus, move it along -- my ass cheeks are sore! All this sitting is hard work!"

In all seriousness though, it probably didn't help that my first bus went past my sister's old place AND my mom's old place--lots of memories & suppressed sadness = crotchety irritation, what can ya do--but at least I can find humor in it. And I did still appreciate how pretty everything looked, so there is that. If I can, I would like to take a walk along the nearby trails at some point this week before the weather changes, and will probably bring along my camera if I do. We'll see.

2. I left a message this morning for both my SNAP caseworker & the local office, inquiring about my tardy food stamp benefits, but haven't heard back yet. If I don't get a response (or the funds on my card) by tomorrow, I'm going over to the office again in person. It'll probably go a little something like this.

3. I saw the crisis team psychiatrist again today, and at first she was going to give me another sample of Pristiq to get me by until my psych appointment at Luke-Dorf on the 15th, except this time at a higher dose than before (based on some questions she asked me); however, since I'd noticed myself feeling even more tired so far on it, she decided to try me out on Cymbalta instead for now. If I don't like it, I can always go back to the Pristiq after my next appointment, but hopefully this will be a better fit. It's part of the same class of SNRI antidepressants, but is less inhibitive of dopamine reuptake, from what I understand. It's approved for some types of chronic pain as well, so I've been curious about it anyway for a while.

4. Despite the "OMG WHY SO MANY PEOPLE"-bus pet peeve mentioned above, I did get my quota filled for entertaining, out-of-context bus-eavesdropping moments.

Per example:

- "You were at the cemetary at 3 in the morning without beer?!"
- "We used to play that game in prison all the time."
- "What you do is find someone who looks like they need change, and then you ask them for change FIRST. Ahaha."
- "But you get to kick it with dead people. I want to kick it with dead people."
- "I don't want your duck germs all over me. Hey, you know what rhymes with ducks? Sucks."

And, my personal favorite (in a non-favorite kind of way): one mother's clearly apparent gay panic over her little boy wanting to pretend her purse was his. Suddenly it became VERY IMPORTANT that he understood he was to own a *wallet* someday. Or a backback. But probably a wallet! Or even a wallet AND a backpack. Like, NO, SON, GOD HATES PURSES.

All I could think of was this bit by Mario Cantone, which, P.S.? I have been trying to find online for something like ten effing years now. Heh. SUCCESS.

5. I've decided that if I ever get my license & begin driving regularly, I want one of these cars. Then I can force tall passengers into my short world. LIKE A BOSS.

Speaking of shortness: Day 2: Your Least Favorite Song )
rachg82: (scully going to oregon)
Let's start with a meme I snatched today from [livejournal.com profile] alias_jems:

List ten things that you love that begin with that letter and then post that list on your journal.

Last time I did this, I got the letter B. This time, I got R.

R is for cooookie…okay, not really )

And now for some randomness:

-I may not get the SNAP assistance money until October 18th. That's cool; I didn't want to eat anyway. *hates life*

In all seriousness, it's possible I'll get it before then--I've been hounding my caseworker, & she said she'd try to work on it today, but "can't guarantee" that--and I do have a little bit left in my checking account (under $40, I think), but I'd probably need to visit a food pantry too or something if not.

-Rent is late after today, and I still don't have an answer from unemployment. I need to go talk to my apartment manager about it again, though I don't know what to tell her in terms of when I can actually pay. My stress is to a point where it's almost like a body in shock -- it doesn't even seem real. I still feel almost completely paralyzed by it.

-I called & left a voicemail on my dad's cell on Sunday (they never gave me their new house # after moving this summer), asking him to pass along a Happy Birthday message to my brother & let him know he can call me back any time, that I'd love to talk to him. Have I heard back? Of course not. Not from my brother & not from my dad.

-No one probably cares, but it's my current re-discovered obsession, so just go with it: I finished the Donkey Kong Country series a while back, getting a 101% score on the first game, a 102% score on the second, and both a 103 & 105% score on the third (the latter requires a code getting rid of all halfway barrels, making the levels more difficult. I played it twice, once the normal way & once with the cheat). Now, I'm going through the old-school NES Mario games. I already beat the third one (plus Super Mario World) & am now moving backwards to the second. I played all these games like a fiend as a kid, but I don't remember if I actually ever beat the first two. I was pretty little then (I got my first NES at five years old -- my sister, stepbrother, and I all combined our Christmas money together to buy it), so my memories of those first couple games aren't as clear. Replaying the second one now is kind of a trip, really. It's definitely the weirdest & most random of the bunch.

-I've discovered a new TV love: Dark Matters. It's on the Science channel & is full of awesomeness. Like, they're all, "Don't you want to hear about the dude who stole Einstein's brain & then stuck it in his wife's mayo jar next to the pickles?" And I'm like, "UM, YEAH. HOW DID YOU KNOW."

-Since it's October, I'm already watching a ton of shit that will probably give me nightmares for years. A+, self. Seriously though, Paranormal Witness? *shudders* The whole first half of this episode (legit already dreamt about it last night) and also this one? Ahhh. AHHH.

I think that's it for now. I'm not gonna do a Vid of the Day this time because I already did some YouTubeing in this post, and I'm feeling lazy.
rachg82: (Booth/Bones superhero detectives)
It's unfortunate that my world is so full of stressful suck at the moment--October is normally one of my favorite months. I will say though that I enjoyed seeing my apartment manager's office covered in green cobwebs today (Why green? Mutant spiders, I'm guessing. Or because they have a secret desire for me to walk by & ask, "Going GREEN, are we? I hear that's big these days! OHH, RIMSHOT. WHO'S WITH ME"), not to mention all the Psych promos airing now for the upcoming 10/12 premiere. Which are basically making my entire life right now, just so y'all know. So much so that I had to pick a few favorites & embed them here (and by "a few", I mean five. Er). As one does )

…I really need some Psych icons. Seriously.

In other news, a new Bones promo popped up on the interwebz today as well. It's adorbs & much more promising imo than the previous promo they'd been showing. It can be found here.

In other, other news: I watched the first two eps (from the current season) of Castle tonight. YOU'RE WELCOME, FANDOM. Heh. I'll be honest and admit I'm totally biased against it--I do this with shows sometimes, hee. I did it with Buffy, for instance, for like years--and spend most of my time whenever I catch an ep mocking it in my head, but there's part of me that enjoys parts of it too. So I'll give it a bit more time and see if I warm up more. I reserve the right to keep mocking it internally though. No promises.

In other, other, other news: I'm still having a pretty rough time of it with my anxiety levels and SI issues, especially today. Like, kind of almost through the roof. I don't want to go into it in more detail than that though without a flocked post/trigger warning, but, yeah -- case in point as to why I could use some easy TV-induced happytimes even more so than usual atm. There've been a few times over the last week or so where I probably should've just called someone, like tonight for instance, but I just don't want to right now; I didn't even talk about it here the last time I self-injured, before today. What I do want is to have things be BETTER (no talking required, just ~magic~. Totally realistic). Get the food stamp money asap, find out what's up with unemployment (and have it be a positive result), pay my rent on time, figure out What I Want To Do next *without* the money-panic weighing me down, get used to my new counselor & new medication, and take things from there. I just, ugh, can't even talk about it more than that.

I did at least accomplish a couple things today though, despite the badness above. Ran a few errands (couldn't drag myself out in time for the ACA meeting, though. It took me a while to do anything. One of those "want to dig a hole & hide in it"-type days.), wrote a bit more for my fic, listened to a crapload of songs on YouTube, shook my fist in the air at Super Mario Bros. 2 & 3 (screw you, princess. Save yourself! I don't want your letters! Heh), and…okay, so that's not that much. But it felt like a lot. I was running on three hours sleep after waking up at 4 am from a nightmare. Really wish the recurring "someone showing up in my apartment" dreams would go the fuck away. aclieahogih CREEPY. I get out of bed & feel like I need to check the shadows & shit. So mental. Not that they'll stop me from probably watching a hot mess of horror movies/shows over the Halloween season, but shh.

Anyway, that's all for now as I should probably try to get to bed. Though I'll more likely try to beat my high score on Text Twist again, instead. But it's the thought that counts.

P.S. I'm behind on comments, but I do intend to try to catch up soon.

For my Vid of the Day, how's about I share three of the songs I listened to today? It's been a while since I did that. Behind the cut 'cause I'm considerate like that )
rachg82: (roslin bitchface)
Ugh, worst part about being on my period? Even worse, perhaps, than the uptick in depression, irritability, and anxiety? The increase in my freaking "Good morning! Not! Muahaha" migraines, that's what. I HATE HORMONES.

Anyway, I'm tired of lying down with an icepack, so I'm in one of those "Y'know what, pain? I can't even hear you. La la la"-moods, trying to distract & detach. Ergo, spam for you lot. Enjoy.

First, another meme (P.S. I plan to answer your questions from yesterday's meme soon, promise):

Lyric Meme

Give me a character or a ship and I will give you a lyric (or a few) that reminds me of them.

And now for rambling:

1. Let me get this straight, this guy gets the death penalty amidst all the controversy (eyewitness testimony? Really, people? Do I need to point out the studies indicating how effing unreliable that shit is?), while these cruel bastards get 4-15 yrs? It's certainly not news to me, but it just sucks to be reminded how frakked the justice system in this country really is, not to mention the safety net for mentally ill/homeless people. My schizophrenic uncle's just lucky to have been in halfway homes & on proper medication for so much of his life, including the medication he takes now to deal with all the side effects from the shock therapy he received back in the day.

I like the comment too from the person who was all, "His dad ~let~ him be homeless and now wants to sue the police?" Yes, because A. his son's life ceased to matter after becoming homeless, apparently, and B. it's super easy to control a mentally ill adult, force them to live where you want, force them to stay on the right medication--or even have good access to it--and get them the help they need after most of the old hospitals got shut down & shelters/ERs across the nation became understaffed & overloaded (I still remember talking to ER nurses & listening to them vent about the system while my mom slept there on a gurney for days, waiting for a single bed to open up in the psych ward). I'd like to invite that guy to actually be related to a seriously unstable individual for a decade or two & then get back to me on that. God. Someday I will learn to stop reading Yahoo comments, but apparently that's still a work in progress.

2. I have several ignorant cooking questions to ask. Fortunately, I have you all to answer them (lookin' at you, especially, Jas) )

3. I haven't talked about Parenthood yet, so I should probably rectify that: cut for spoilers )

4. I watched "When We Were Kings" this week. It had a lot of clips I'd already seen (my dad had a vid of the entire Rumble in the Jungle match when I was younger, which included various bits of news footage from those years. I watched it with him once), but there was stuff I'd never seen too, and it was very entertaining overall. I'd listen to Ali talk all day. We're gonna get it on because we don't get along! Haha. Love him.

5. Facebook continues to be the devil. What's worse than obligatory friendships with people who really aren't your friends anymore? Seeing them talk to each other like BFFs & not include you. It's my fault though. For one, this is why I hide them (then occasionally look on their wall anyway, like some kind of masochist. It's like the Yahoo comments thing), and for two, it's not really obligatory to keep them as "friends" at all. It's just hard to defriend. You know people make such a big deal out of it, will probably tell the others, "Oh, you know, Rachael actually defriended me this week" (cue: "What's with her?" bla bla bla gossip), despite the fact that for all intents & purposes they haven't BEEN my friends for a good year now. It's just so annoying.

6. The guy I talked to at unemployment yesterday said his records showed that I called on the 13th, so the form's deadline shouldn't be an issue. Of course he also kept being like, "They'll honor the date of the postmark, don't worry" and was obviously not paying attention to my question. But I broke it down for him AGAIN, and was like, "The form is going to be postmarked LATE. L-a-t-e, late. But it also said I could call, which I did. And you show that, correct? Which means I'm okay?" And he said yes. So…I guess it's okay. I didn't really trust him though. We'll see. Either way, it still leaves the problem open-ended because I don't know if they'll reopen my claim, but I at least don't want it to be denied because of a postmark date of all things.

BTW, I wasn't really that rude to him, heh. But I'm feeling venty today, so just go with it.

7. I have a phone appointment with the SNAP people this Friday to determine my eligibility for food assistance & state health care. Fingers crossed, folks.

8. My first appointment with Luke Dorf is Monday. The intake lady told me that the crisis team already gave me a preliminary diagnosis of major depression, which didn't surprise me (I've been diagnosed with it before + Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Social Anxiety Disorder). It sounds like I'll be getting a full assessment next week though. The one I got with the psychiatrist wasn't one of those "let's diagnose you" deals, more so a medication check up with a short series of questions. The person I'll be seeing is only listed as a QMHP, though, I think, so I don't know what level of experience to expect or how relevant it'll be to my situation. But I hope it works out.

9. As for a RL update on how I'm doing, the last few days have been somewhat hard, emotionally. Not just for the financial stuff, but thoughts & dreams of family, friends, loneliness, etc. But it is helpful to know I'll be talking to someone soon. I did take a walk yesterday as well, for the first time in a while, which was nice. Sometimes it makes me sad now to be in nature, because I used to spend so much time outdoors with my nephew (we'd go for what we called "expeditions" and what-not, make it into a whole big thing, wandering in the forest, looking for bugs & animals, stuff like that), but it's still soothing to me, and brings my spirits up when I pass by toddlers driving their parents crazy with non-stop questions & the like. Heh. "Why is the dog sniffing that?" "Because that's what dogs like to do." "Why do they like to do that? Moo-oom? Why? Why do they like to sniff? Why--" "Because they just do." "Where'd the sky go? Where's the river?" "We can't see it because of the trees. It'll be back." "When?" Seriously, non-stop, this little girl was. I had to fight myself not to laugh.

10. For my Vid of the Day, here's some more purty music:

rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
Heyyo. So, it's SEXtember at [livejournal.com profile] bones_ga, and while all my fic-writing focus is currently being spent on the neverending Brennan story I started earlier this year (I swear to God, I WILL finish it before the new season), I still couldn't resist jumping into the fangirl fray in some fashion. Especially since [livejournal.com profile] damnskippytoo suggested sexytimes fanmixing. Now, I don't really do fanmixes, mind you, but y'all know I love me some YouTube linkage & soundtracks. Hence, this puppy here.

Some of these choices will be conventional--obviously having to do with teh nekkidness (ain't nothin' wrong with a little bump & grind)--and some not so much. There are certain romantic songs that make me think of B/B coming together, literally & figuratively, without being obvious about it. A few of you might recognize a couple repeat offenders from previous soundtracks I've made, but that's sort of to be expected. Regardless, I tried to keep this fresh, so hopefully I succeeded in that. There's 22 songs here to choose from, meaning there should be something for just about everyone. And, yes, I know that number's random. It's how I roll.

Remember when I moved in you, the holy dark was moving too )
rachg82: (fnl blanket)
I have other things to talk about, including more documentary stuff, thoughts on my niece's upcoming birthday & how I'm feeling, Friday Night Lights, my new job on Friday, etc, but I think I'm too drowsy to get into all that right now. Instead, I'm just gonna be mindlessly spammy. ~Like so~.

-First, a GIF meme I swiped from [livejournal.com profile] xmaidelx:

1. Open your .gif folder.
2. Use every third .gif as a reaction to the statement.

I don't have that many .gifs saved, but I figured it'd still be fun to do a few. cutty mccutterson )

-Second, instead of a VotD, I thought I'd share some music. 5 songs I'm listening to today )
rachg82: (WWRD)
Sooo, everyone cool? Nobody trapped under a bookshelf or anything, right? If y'all are like me, you probably just slept through it (seriously, heh. Speaking from experience), but I still thought I'd check just in case.

In other news, I bought ingredients for pesto sauce today (i.e. from scratch), along with some new stuff for smoothies. First time I ever bought a fresh papaya. I didn't even know what they looked like, not already chopped up. Ha. I suspect I'll find myself staring at the cloves of garlic for a while, too, like, "Whaaat in the hell do I do with you?" For real, this is the pitiful state of me in a kitchen. But whatever, gotta start somewhere.

I had my orientation today as well, which fortunately didn't last long at all. Still managed to ask a few stupid questions though, because it is me we're talking about here. "Will our schedule for training be the same as our work schedule after?" YES, SELF. YOU ALREADY KNOW IT WILL. WHY ARE YOU ASKING? I swear. Sometimes my OCD-ish side comes out & it's like I have to double-check every. single. thing. Especially when starting a new job. I get Questions Tourettes.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'll leave you guys with a song today:

rachg82: (Bones advice)
…Yep, still capitalizing it.

Though, sadly, I may have to tweak my mocking of the gluten-free trend, considering I just found out I can't have it.

In other words: I had my follow-up appointment today (finally), and it turns out there's a reason my stomach's such a douche bag. cut for TL;DR health stuff )

Anyway, that's enough health rambling. LET'S MOVE ON.

In other news:

-My apartments notified everyone this week that, starting in September, they're going to charge for water & sewer. That means my $565 rent will increase to $600. I wish I had the money to move. As soon as I do, I'm totally on that shit. And I hate moving, so my desire to do it says a lot.

-As of yet, I have still not heard back from the call center. I was going to just call them, but I realized that the number on the business card is actually for their customers calling about cell phones. So, instead I sent an email and STILL got no response. IDEK. I could drive myself crazy(ier) trying to figure out if they're just slow or I did something wrong, but I still won't know. I think I have to just keep looking elsewhere.

-My Love Month day is coming up for [livejournal.com profile] bones_ga on Friday, and at first I was thinking of posting a prologue to my still-WIP fic, but in the end I decided against that. Instead I'm going to do a picspammy post containing 31 moments ('cause there's 31 days in August, see?) from the series that make me laugh out loud. I've already got all the pics prepared, because I'm an over-achiever, so y'all will have that to look forward to.

I think that's about it for now. For my Vid of the Day, enjoy teh pretty:

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