rachg82: (Adama/Roslin arm in arm)
I know it was totally a fiscal no-no, but I just spent almost twenty dollars (tip included) on a GF pizza & Cherry Coke from Bellagio's. I'm not even supposed to have Coke, because of the corn syrup. But, seriously, can't I just chalk it up to an early Christmas present for myself? 'Cause this shit is really good. Like, it makes me want to do my Happy Food Dance & everything. The only other time I've broken that out in the past year was probably over the Mike & Ike candies my nephew gave me the other night. Heh. And then I invented a ~Sugar Train~ & started chugging my way around the living room, all, "Sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar, choo choo!" Because I'm secretly five years old.

Oh, hey, speaking of -- guess who has new pictures of her cute-ass niece & nephew? That'd be me )

As for how it went, hanging with them throughout the weekend, it was nice. I didn't feel pushed into watching them or anything--the first day was my idea, and the second day was Jayden's--and my sister washed my comforter for me (which is difficult to fit into the washers here at my apartments) & paid for dinner on Saturday (in turn, I made the kids lunch & smoothies the next day), so overall there was a reciprocal balance.

And while I'm sure there's some unwritten rule out there about schadenfreude-laced anecdotes & people who've just had a heart attack, I can't help but pass this one along (courtesy of my nephew): apparently my mom came to watch Isabella do gymnastics a while back, and right in the middle of it pulled a giant wooden spoon *out of her purse* and began using it to scratch her back--like I'm saying she'd specifically put it there for ~back-scratching purposes on the go~--then proceeded to pull her shirt up, right there in public, & ask Jayden if he could itch it for her too. Bear in mind, while telling me this story he had to keep catching his breath between giggles, and was all WTF-wide-eyed, like, "I THINK PEOPLE WERE WATCHING. IT WAS REALLY WEIRD! SHE HAD IT IN HER PURSE!" Haha. Story of my childhood, kid. Meanwhile my sister was laughing so hard over this that she was crying, and I wasn't far behind. It's just so HER.

Moving on, I've decided to split my responses to that meme I started into multiple entries, since I'm going ahead with the "three vids per fandom" dealio as well, and I don't want to overload people. We'll do two shows per entry--three episodes & three vids for each--and good times will be had by all. Woo woo.

First up, Bones & Battlestar Galactica )
rachg82: (rizzoli/isles llbffs)
1. Two hours cleaning = I iz tired nao. No mas, por favor. Still need to do laundry though, ugh.

2. New icon, check it. I bet you feel gayer already. (Feel free to swipe as long as you give me credit.)

3. Speaking of R&I, I rewatched this week's ep last night and couldn't resist jotting down some of my favorite lines & moments this time: cut for spoilers )

4. I told y'all this tag of picspams would never end. Three new categories, ahoy )

5. Current finished its "50 Documentaries To See Before You Die" series last week, and the complete list can now be viewed here. I watched "Trouble the Water" and "An Inconvenient Truth" yesterday, both of which are on the list. Most everyone's seen An Inconvenient Truth, so I'll skip talking about it in detail, but I will say that I enjoyed it. As for Trouble the Water, it was really, really good. Great timing for seeing it, too, what with the six year anniversary of Katrina this week.

For my VotD this time, let's go with a Bones pick. This one's by BONESgeek & contains spoilers through season 6:

rachg82: (community my brain is crying)
1. What a way to spend my last day before starting a new job -- getting my ass thoroughly kicked by an all-day migraine. I guess that's my body's way of showing me who's boss? (And here I thought it was Tony Danza.)

It's not surprising, what with the heat + being at the tail-end of my period, but it's still disconcerting. I had to just acknowledge to myself this afternoon that I'm not fully in control, y'know? I can't just *will* my body to be healthy & functional all the time, even if I try my damnedest to help it along. As much as it would suck, there's a chance I could lose another job due to this, and that'd just be how it goes. I'd simply have to deal with it. Hopefully that DOESN'T happen, but bottom line is that it could. And it's very stressful. As it is, all my plans today were totally thrown off. Nothing got accomplished. No laundry, no walk to the store, nothing. And it's okay, because I can work around that (I mean, I can find something decent to wear tomorrow, I have enough to eat for breakfast & lunch, etc), but I'm still in kind of a lousy mood as a result. I think I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow as well, which doesn't help. Not massively so or anything, at least not in comparison to the panic-attackstravaganzas that I used to go through with new jobs/anything people-related, but enough to be noteworthy. I really want a new start, and, just for once, to have that new start go smoothly.

2. I mentioned yesterday that my niece's birthday is coming up (on the 30th), and I feel like it's probably something I should talk about, and need to talk about, but it's hard. I'll admit that I had a good cry over it yesterday. Beyond that, trying to put my emotions regarding family right now into words (especially, re: my niece & nephew) is like trying to pour an ocean into a tiny paper cup. There's just too much there. Though I suppose saying that is in its own way at least articulating something. But I think you guys know what I mean.

3. I worked on my fic a lot yesterday, and a tiny bit today (when I wasn't bed-bound from pain), but only managed to add the equivalent of a drabble, basically. I'm still gonna pat myself on the back for that, though. Every little bit counts, and I am starting to like (read: accept) what the whole thing is turning into, finally.

4. I finished season 4 of Friday Night Lights this morning. As always, I have thoughts: cut for spoilers )

5. I checked two more docs off the list this week -- "Paris is Burning" and "Bus 174." Both can be watched on YouTube (here and here). Paris is Burning is one of those films that makes you grateful someone turned on the camera when they did, because it captured such an important (yet often overlooked) part of recent American history, especially if you're lgbtq. I'm really glad I didn't miss it.

As for Bus 174, it's one that'll stay with you. Just so sad. But it does a great job of not only telling the story of what happened that day, but also the hijacker's life leading up to that point.

For my Vid of the Day, I've got to swipe a rec from [livejournal.com profile] trust_your_hart. This one (by TheDreamhunter72) is just brill, especially the ending.

rachg82: (frak this shit)
I think it's time for a roll call of my flist to determine who is & isn't watching Rizzoli & Isles yet. Because, seriously? Double rainbow in my heart. LIKE A GAY BONES, PEOPLE. I'm saying. It's official. I have reached status level: flaily hands. cut for spoilers, re: tonight's ep )

Anyway, that's all for now, since I have to be up early in the morning (for that rescheduled-five-million-times-follow-up at the naturopath's), but I'll leave y'all with a Vid of the Day by nataloa1984. Enjoy!

rachg82: (roslin get some)
This icon is on behalf of Brennan & my hopes for her tonight.

Hee, okay, fine. So nothing might happen, for real, but dudes--that promo. THAT PROMO. I am not to blame for all the flailing 'round these parts.

Since we're all sitting around waiting & going bonkers, how about some music to tide us over?

6 songs I'm listening to today (ooh, look, it's a two for one special!) )

I'll end this with a Bones fanvid I came across today, so those of you who aren't into music but ARE going nutty waiting can still get some distraction out of this. It's by TheLovelyBones1 and it's uber sweet. Enjoy:

rachg82: (Cam Bones holding hands)
It is taking so much willpower not to read any of the sides for the end of this season. Want want waaaaaant. I know it'll be better if I stay away though, so that's what I'm doing. I still reserve the right to watch promo clips/read articles if I want, however. Those aren't as big a deal.

Meanwhile I'm sure no one even cares which spoilers I'm reading, but I'm going through one of those phases where my mind feels utterly stifled, & figuring out what to write & how to word it is like walking in cognitive slow-motion. The whole sit-and-stare action, y'know? I'm somehow both incredibly restless/uncomfortable (like, itchy, & my clothes/hair are bugging me, & ugh there's something in my eye, & my glasses are smudged right there, & sitting in this position is making my knee hurt, & my limbs are tired like dead weights, but I'm booooored and aimlessly nervous, but I don't want to do anything--not even move--and everything I write is wrong, and I feel blank, & UGH), yet numb & distant on the other hand, like I can't *wake up* & connect to what's around me. The default state got switched to silent & immobile, if that makes any sense (it's vague, I know). It's hard to explain.

I mean, like, for all of yesterday & today? I've wanted to update my lj, but every time I try--even now--I feel like deleting the entry, throwing my hands up in the air all "fuck it!", and then going back to bed to lie down & stare at the corner of my comforter for an hour. I'm sure some of it is my body adjusting to going off the topamax--I've been having similar side effects to what I experienced when first starting it, like paresthesia, etc--but it's also just how I get sometimes when depressed/stressed out/not eating enough. So, who knows.

Anyway, my point (at last) is I'm trying to just force myself to write. It doesn't have to be "right"--what does that even mean, anyway? God, I'm so mental--and it's okay if it's crappy. That being said, let me try to ramble at you all now for a minute:

1. I was looking for this fic the other day (I couldn't remember the author or title--only bits of the plot), and I told [livejournal.com profile] amilyn I'd rec it here once I found it, so voila: Delicate by ygrawn. Read it. It's good.

2. I did some hasty (i.e. nothing uber serious/meaningful, just freestyle whatever shit) artwork last night. It was done in an attempt to snap out of my ~vibrating frozen statue with oversensitive nerve endings from pent-up Anxiety Land~ mood, which obviously didn't totally work, but eh. At least it's expressing myself & being active, right? It's a good impulse to follow. I'll share the results now, just in case it's of interest to anyone. )

3. While I'm discussing music, I am currently in love with this remix. Also, I'd love it if someone were to make either a Faith/Buffy shipper vid (from Faith's POV, preferably) OR an "Emily Deschanel/Brennan is hot" vid to this song. That version, specifically.

4. The BSG rewatch continues. I'm up to "Valley of Darkness" & falling in love with the show all over again. Things I'm especially loving this time around )

5. Community this week was amazing. I mean, seriously, SO FANTASTIC. Enough to where I actually teared up at one point (happy tears), because I was so moved. This show is brilliant. I need to flail )

My Vid of the Day is from TheLovelyBones1 and is a short example of the type of Brennan vid I mentioned wanting above. There aren't nearly enough of these out there. *stares at teh sexy*

rachg82: (Brennan walking in the rain)
1. Song of the Day. It made me tear up. My mood is still closer to this (minus the last bit about pre-determined destiny, that is. I don't believe that. I relate to everything else though), particularly because I haven't left that staying-in-bed-for-most-of-the-day phase yet, but I have started feeling a shift. I'm incredibly stressed right now, to the point where all this unemployment stuff is making me feel nearly desperate (like, "Will I be able to keep living? What options do I have if I run out of money?"-desperate. I don't mean to scare people, but I need to be honest. A big issue is that certain jobs still feel off-limit to me, too, because of social anxiety. I feel trapped), but at least when those thoughts come up now they sound more bad than good. Still acceptable, but more bad than good. That's something, right? I may not exactly be gung-ho for life, but I don't like being forced into anything either, and for the first time in a long while I'm fighting the idea of death not just because I know I'm supposed to (and have told myself to in the past, i.e. the resolutions I've made with myself), but because I actually don't feel ready to die yet. So, yeah. That has to be worth something. I'm kind of in limbo.

That being said, things are very tenuous right now. Even if everything "works out" in a best-case scenario, it means getting a job. That stresses me out too. Deep breaths, in & out. It's all I can do. One step at a time. At least yesterday I both got the mail *and* opened it (yes, when you're like this--that's a task), and did the math to confirm that even with lesser benefits--if I do indeed qualify for the extended 20 weeks; they drop you to 80% of what you previously earned--I can still pay bills. It will be ridiculously tight, but that's fine. I have lived VERY cheaply before. I intentionally move into apartments with rent that's a good deal below what I can afford for this exact reason (plus it helps that, A. I don't have a car, B. I don't have a cell phone, C. I don't have anyone or anything depending on me, and D. I've never had any credit cards). You never know what situation you'll find yourself in. The only debt I have is from student loans & medical bills (and technically I'm a little behind on my electric bill, but not by much. Otherwise, there's simply rent + phone/internet/cable, & the miscellaneous stuff like medication & groceries & bus passes, etc). I also emailed my old friend/coworker to ask her for the address/name/phone number of the place where she works so I can go over & apply in person. I *really* don't want to work in a call center again--God, I hate it--but it would be close by, I have tons of experience in that area, and it would be better than sitting at home every day. Theoretically, it might make finding another job easier too, because then I could put on my resume that I'm currently employed, which looks better than "Hey, I've been unemployed for four months straight. Wanna hire me?" Know what I mean? I have to call the unemployment place before I do anything else though. I tried yesterday, but I called in the afternoon & the hold time was absurd. It's for the best anyway, because it allowed me to open the letter first, which they said you're supposed to do, though I don't see what difference it makes. But whatever. Today--8 am. I call. And panic. But call, regardless. Yay.[/monotone sarcasm]

2. My head has been hurting SO BAD the last week or so. I don't know how much of it is stress & how much is reducing the dose of the topamax (in fairness, I hate to admit it, but I've been even more terrible about eating, too. It's like my body suddenly feeling hungry made me even more determined to go without. I'm trying to deal with it. I did just finally have some Taco Bell, so, hey). I was going to make tonight my first night going off it completely, but the whole "staying in bed all day" deal screwed me up & consequently I missed getting the refill I needed for my antidepressent. Thus I missed it yesterday AND today. I don't want to throw my body for a crazy loop, so I'll wait on the topamax. And of course get my refill for the prozac tomorrow. Not really something I want to go without right now.

P.S. Sorry for all the body/brain talk, btw. For those of you who've never dealt with it, it's probably really boring, I know. It's what I'm dealing with right now, though. It helps me to break it down bit by bit sometimes.

3. On a positive note, the Cherry Blossom trees on my street are in bloom. Despite my allergies, that's my favorite part of spring. It'll depend on how I'm feeling, but I would like to take a walk soon (i.e. a ~Jaunty Woodland Walk~ along the nearby trails, like I used to--helpful link for pic-filled tree-hugging). I know I've been saying that forever, but the seasons changing does help up the motivation factor a little. We'll see.

4. I, like Cher in Clueless, love a good project--especially one that helps me feel more organized while also distracting me & wasting a bunch of time. As a result, I have a bunch of new tags now: Van Gogh-Go Gadget Cliched Artist (for pics of, you guessed it, my art), Voice Posts (I feel like they should have a tag. They're unique like that. P.S. Some of you don't know me well yet, so if there's questions you'd like to ask--ones I can answer in five minutes or less--feel free to drop them in the comments & I can do another voice post if you want. Woot woot. This counts for you lurkers too. I SEE YOU THERE. Heh. I won't bite!), Emotions Are Better on Paper (as an explanation for new flistmates: last summer, in an effort to better express certain feelings that otherwise were hard for me to access unfiltered, I began writing on paper--stream of consciousness/just-let it out-shit, in other words--and would sometimes later share it here. In many ways, I actually believe it's what helped lead me to finally writing fic. FYI, that tag also includes old poetry from ye olde teenaged days of yore, which I typed up. Be afraid), and, lastly, I Am a Special Snowflake (ASD-ish stuff. a.k.a. "I relate to Brennan: ASK ME HOW!").

Fun, fun.

Also: I'm even going to add to one of the above-mentioned tags…right now. *gasp* I KNOW. IT'S SO EXCITING. Heh. I uploaded some more of my old art. Feel free to come & take a looksie )

5. I'm so behind on my flist, and have enough piling up in my head as it is, so I'm just going to do a disorganized rundown of what I thought regarding Bones now, sans notes/rewatch. Bones ramblin' )

My Vid of the Day comes from TheLovelyBones1 and is a wonderfully edited take on B/B between episodes 6x09 & 6x13. Intense & delicious. This is where they're comin' from, folks. Remembering that makes the (still coming--it's just beginning & things are always repressed under the surface with them; don't forget that) happytimes that much more powerful. I'd go so far as to say they're *still* holding back a little. This vid shows a little of the KAPOW-quality I think we'll continue to see slowly rise (not all at once, but in bits) on their way towards them being a real couple. They're like pressure cookers, these two. I swear.

rachg82: (Dancing!Bones)
First on the agenda today: why aren't there more happy break-up songs o' happiness like this in the world? Haha. I mean, really.[/evil]

(and you guys know I also loves me some Let It Go from Hi-Tek. That's my jaaaaaaam right there.)

Of course there's also always the stand-up route if you're in the mood for that sort of thing: Bridget McManus will love you 'til the lease runs out.

Smoothly changing subjects, I finally made it out with my friend today. (Whaaaa? Me being social? Yes, and then pigs flew. It was a ~whole big thing~.) We decided to go to a nearby mall instead, picked up some fruit smoothies, watched her baby in the play area, walked around, and went shopping. I bought a new pair of jeans (which I'll of course need to have hemmed because I'm an oompa loompa) and two new tops. Since I'm a dork, I took pictures of the outfits (like Cher in Clueless! Ha), which I'll post behind a cut. Also, I talked with my friend a little about weight stuff today & that'll go behind the cut as well. pictures & body image nonsense )

Anyway, Bones is on now, so I'm gonna skidaddle. I shall return posthaste with my thoughts on the ep!

(Well, maybe not "posthaste," but--you know--soonish.)

In the meantime, enjoy this Vid of the Day by [livejournal.com profile] ima_tv_junkie. Note the song choice! Gee, I wonder who gave her such an INCREDIBLE rec? Hee hee.

rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
Random Music Spamming Time--everyone gather 'round.

Aaaaand…GO:

1. Throwback song I've been listening to all day without knowing why: Uh Oohhhh. *clap clap cla-clap-cla-clap-clap-cla-clap* (don't act like you don't do that too) What the eff. Random.

2. From my pervy brain to yours--a song to prompt/inspire the smut writers out there: Awww yeah.

Also, this lovely song fits nicely for B/B. Not necessarily for a vid (probably too slow), but stuff like this helps me when I'm writing. It puts me in the right mood.

3. Speaking of, here's one of the songs I'm listening to as I prepare to start the next section of my own fic (I've posted it here before, but TOO BAD. Watch me care. Heh): Nothing Can Be Explained.

4. A request for the BSG/Caprica and/or Dollhouse vidders out there. Please to be making one to this song for me. Thank you kindly.

5. I'll never stop campaigning for this one. Since no one has picked up the torch yet--i.e. made me the Brennan vid I asked for--I'll up the ante. You can also use this song as a Tribute to the Women of #46 on this picspam that I created (including River from Firefly if you want, whom I later added here).

This song was freakin' made for them and you know it.

6. One of my favorite songs (just overall) that I was thinking today could work as a Bones vid, specifically dealing with the events at the end of the 3rd, 4th, & 5th seasons: Going For the Gold. Feel free to let me know if you guys have no idea why I chose this one. Ha.

7. A song for our era & the epitome of the American spirit: Center of Attention. It could TOTALLY work as a Booth/Brennan vid too (not just their relationship, but both of them as individuals. While listening to it, I kept seeing them trying to be first through doorways/reaching for things, Booth adjusting his belt buckle, Brennan & her guns, etc). Hahaha.

On a similar note, Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better. It's a fairly standard, cliched choice (been there, done that), but it's perfect. If you're a vidder & you're reading this, take it & run with it.

8. An appropriately POC-tribute-y song for a possible Cam-centric vid: Because there should be more vids for her out there in general. Also, because she's hot. And my Whitey McCrackerson ass likes this song. Just go with it.

9. I first heard this song in an X-Files vid many years ago (like, before YouTube existed-manyyearsago), and it'd be great for B/B as well: Crazy Beautiful.

10. Someone needs to make a scifi vid about any show set in space (don't care which) for Whitey on the Moon. BECAUSE, COME ON. Really. It'd be hilarious.

And I'm done. For now.

*edited to add: No, I'm not. One more: [livejournal.com profile] ima_tv_junkie, if you're still in a Johnny Cash/Booth kinda mood, this one's for you.

-Moving on, I'm supposed to finally go to coffee/tea with my friend tomorrow. My sleep schedule is SO off. Getting up early & managing to both shower & do laundry before meeting her should prove interesting.

I can't even remember the last time I washed my hair. Ehhh.

-In other news, though I'm still not observing the comments at FMM anymore (best for my peace of mind to stay away right now), I did at least decide to keep voting. I want Troy to win the whole thing so badly I can taste it.[/exaggerating]

Okay, so I'm just kidding. But he is fantastic.

-Does anyone know when new episodes of Parenthood start up again? I know its finale is in April, but I can't find info anywhere on how many more new eps we'll get before that. This week was a rerun & next week is supposed to be as well. I DON'T APPRECIATE THESE TYPES OF SHENANIGANS, NBC.

-Lastly, when does Southland come back? Because--honestly? I KINDA NEED IT BACK IN MY LIFE SORTA TOUT DE SUITE. Like, chop chop. Not really down with this whole "hiatus" business.

And for those of you who missed the finale, plz take a moment to observe the promo:



EXACTLY.

Let's talk about it, shall we? )

My Vid of the Day today comes from [livejournal.com profile] ima_tv_junkie. A good deal of you have probably already watched this (over at [livejournal.com profile] bones_ga), but this is just in case some of you missed it. It is Johnny Cash-TASTIC & Booth-angstalicious, just like I wanted.

rachg82: (Adama/Roslin reading is sexy)
1. Oh my God, self. Way to sleep in until 5 o'clock in the evening. GO TEAM. So much for taking a Jaunty Woodland Walk today! It is going to be so hard to rearrange this whole owl-like schedule I've fallen into, I swear.

FIVE O'CLOCK. It's not like I've never done it before, but sheesh. That is just ri-donkey kong-ulous.

2. At least I finished my PWP ficlet last night/this morning (whatever, "time". With your "AM/PM" nonsense! I MAKE MY OWN ROTATIONAL AXIS, EARTH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Um…or something) Yay.

I do by the way consider it a fic, not a poem, although I'm okay with others calling it that if they want (which some have). cut for some writerly pondering )

3. There are legit snowflakes mixed in outside with the rain right now. It's almost March, yo. This is Oregon. That is simply NOT how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts. (haha, [livejournal.com profile] dosidella, I told you I'd make that a thing)

4. My ficlet wasn't large enough to warrant a full-fledged ginormous soundtrack this time, but I will at least share ten a small army of songs which may or may not have assisted in the writing process. Mini-Fanfic-Soundtrack: You Must Be This Short To Ride. (P.S. that's what she said) )

5. I'm about thisclose to calling Southland the BSG of cop shows. It's getting there. I can feel it. It's not *quite* there yet (Sammy held back! If he'd gone for it--and by "it", you know what I'm talking about--I would've given it that title. I was partially convinced he was about to turn the gun on himself), but it's on its way. The lighting, the gritty realism, the "We're gonna make you watch this scene with one hand over your mouth, because you KNOW WE AIN'T AFRAID TO BRING IT & we might be about to throw down, son"-shit, the acting, the *human* drama & comedy, the directing, allll of ittttt. I love it, love it, love it. I'm not at all cool with there being only a couple more eps left this season. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Ooh, and? I have a new theme song for John Cooper. Trick love da kids!. Hahahaha. Seriously though, I love what a freakin' SOFTIE he is every time anything comes up with foster kids. He just loses his shit. Screamin' at case workers, prowling the town, you name it. Then he slowly walks up to the kid like a gentle Mama Bear (or perhaps like a lion with a thorn in its paw--so many similes, so little time), and it's like, "I'm sorry. Who are you, again? Aren't you usually the hard ass?" Hee. I LOVE HIM. He's my favorite, after Lydia.

Come to think of it, oh my God, he's kind of an Adama. I wonder if he furiously brushes his teeth in the morning with a Care Bear Glare Stare & flails paint around when he cries?

6. Parenthood last night was am-aaaaa-zing, as usual. That show really, really gets the dynamic between siblings when it comes to having an addicted/shitty parent. Everything that went down in that storyline was just A++++. Also? Ha HA! at that scene with Syd and her grandparents. I've told you guys before about the time I was a kid & my stepmom ordered me to stay at the table until I ate her taco salad, right? Yeah, I stayed there until bedtime & didn't eat a bite. I WILL NOT EAT YOUR LETTUCE, WOMAN. I TOLD YOU & YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.

The clip with Max and the TV brought back some memories for me too, I have to admit. I'd like to think of myself as having been a good kid (and I really was, considering everything I had to deal with around me), but honestly? I raised some hell at times. Only rarely to that type of degree (that I remember), but when it did happen, it would be triggered by similar things--something not being done the same way as before/as planned/feeling out of control, etc. Like, you'll notice that whole argument for him started by him being upset that she didn't start the homework at the same time that Abby (his behavioral aid) did. He expected to still be allowed to watch TV, because she hadn't followed the rules properly herself; ergo, it was irrational of her in his opinion to expect him to. In my case, the particular memory that it inspired was different, but I just remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my stepmom because she wasn't washing my hair "right" in the bathtub (obviously I was still relatively young at the time), and how she told me years later she'd end up leaving the bathroom in tears sometimes because she didn't know what to do with me. I'd freak if she didn't bend my ears down ~just right~ (so no water would go in), I'd freak if she'd use the "wrong" type of glass for rinsing out the shampoo, et cetera. It was a whole big thing. And when I say "screamed at the top of my lungs"? I mean high-pitched, full-bodied *screamed*. Sitting there shaking & bawling, having a complete breakdown. "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT! I WANT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! I TOLD YOU TO DO IT LIKE *THIS*! YOU'RE STUPID!" My dad would have to walk in & try to intervene, bla bla bla. It ended with me "teaching" her the proper methods of bath giving, and eventually she just didn't give me baths while I was there (I'd just wait to wash my hair until I got home since I couldn't rinse it myself "the right way", at least until I was older & started showering, which wasn't until I was at least eleven or so--I was intimidated/scared of the shower & remember feeling like I didn't know "how" to do it). Yeah. Er, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, MARY. Heh. God.

I'm really looking forward to next week's episode, by the way. Max learning about his ASD will make that plotline contain so much more depth than it already does, which is saying a lot. I will be really bummed if Abby stays away though. I liked her. (Jasmine bugs me, too. Ugh. I still want her on the show, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if she & Crosby are right together.)

7. I can't believe we have to wait two more weeks for Bones. What kind of shenanigans is this?

8. I really want ice cream right now. I choose to blame [livejournal.com profile] keenai for this.

9. I also feel like rewatching a BSG ep right now. Which one should I choose? (I'm leaning towards "33" since I was talking about it with Jen the other day, but I'm open to recommendations)

10. My Vid of the Day today comes from thay2504. I randomly came across it on YouTube last night, and omg the flaily hands it gave me. FLAILY HANDS. That ending! Brennannnnnnnn. You are my homegiiiiiiirrrrrrl.

rachg82: (Adama/Roslin but i got high)
Sometimes I really, really love my crazy ass little city.

Last night was so much fun. I have much in the way of story-telling, pictures, and vids to share. As a bonus, I'll also share a few clips from the new IFC show Portlandia, which pokes fucking brilliant fun at my home town, oh my God. I watched these tonight & was just dying.

The dream of the '90s is not alive in Gallagher )

In other news, I wanted to talk about Bones & Southland tonight too. WAY TO KICK ASS, BOTH OF YOU. In fact, I think I shall call the pair of them Brothers Badass McGee this week )

I suppose I don't really need a Vid of the Day this time, what with all the other vids, but hey. Why not? For all my Bones peeps, here's one by fairykiss27.

rachg82: (serenity booth)
My birthday is bothering me. I want to get it over with. I'm not sure if something will happen with my family, or nothing will happen, or which would be more upsetting. I want to fast-forward to next week either way.

I heard my neighbor's car door close earlier today, and then their muffled voice, and for a split second, I thought it was my mom. I instantly panicked. Prayed. Not again. It wasn't her. It was just my neighbor. TRIPPING. TRIPPING.

Yet I still feel like some rejected, defective orphan because she hasn't shown up, torturing me. WHAT IS MY LIFE?

I took a nap this afternoon, because life is exhausting me right now (and because 8:30 am is early for habitually nocturnal folks, let's face it), and when I woke up I had a lightbulb moment. The resolutions I've made? Are nifty & all, but are stressing me out. For each one I've kept, there's one I haven't *perfectly* kept, at least at some point, to some degree. And in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "I'm just like my mother. I'm just like my father. I don't keep my promises. No one can believe me. I'm a liar and a flake. I deserve what I get."

God, I am so harsh on myself. Looking at it written out like that, it's sort of unbelievable.

But it's true; it's what I've been thinking for days, just under the surface is all. Why must it always take so long to figure these things out? I'm trying to ~feel my feelings~. What am I missing? Can't I just put two & two together & get on the ball? I don't understand why there can't be some formula for solving problems like these & then, bam, LIFE IS BETTER. I know the brain is complicated, but jesus fuck, it's only a part of the body, and one can map out so many parts of it & make diagrams of its systems & it just seems like after all these centuries we should have deduced a better equation for stability & self-awareness (y'know, so your life isn't some freaking waste). Even without science, Buddha lived how long ago? We've had how many religions? We're STILL lost. And yet people pat you on the shoulder when you're down, all "You'll figure it out; things will pick up." What are the odds of that?! No, I don't think so. I think the odds are that you'll simply tolerate the shitstorm for a while & then calm down and have a few happy days & life will go on. You'll figure out some theory for your own crap, won't know if it's right, and maybe it will be & maybe it won't be, and who the hell knows. So instead you focus on TV & books & music & knowledge & ~hey, look, that's a pretty sunset~ and things of that nature. Because the brain is absurd & the fact that we even exist is absurd and to understand all of it is a noble pursuit, but it will drive you INSANE. Why is the universe even here? WHY? How? Whyyyyyy? It makes no SENSE. How did the big bang or God GET THERE?! As opposed to nothing? I don't like that it doesn't make sense. None of this does.

So, yeah. Emotions are the least of my concern. My brain is just too FULL. It needs to shut the hell up. It's like a landslide, & Earth--people, thoughts, life, everything--just comes tumbling down. Adding painful emotions that I apparently fail at to the mix? Recipe for panic.

I wish I were better at this.

I will keep trying though.

In the meantime, I apologize for the spam. I've been updating a lot, haven't I? I guess that's what it's here for though, right? Maybe it benefits others? Hey, you never know.

At least I have YouTube. Blessed, wonderful YouTube. Dancing boys and dancing girls--they make me happyyyyyyy. For real, I think I need to go get my krump on with these people. It would make me feel so much better. (I wanna dance! Haha.)

For my Vid of the Day (yes, I'll still post one here too, even though I technically already updated earlier today. I'm bad to the bone), I need some intense man action in my life. Booth with a gun. Booth running. Concerned!Booth. So many Booths. I kinda wanna bone you, Booth. Pun intended. Just thought you should know.

(P.S. this one is by fairykiss27)

rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
I apologize for the spam, but my head is throbby (I think I'm getting a cold, which doesn't help) & I'm being too stubborn to simply go to bed. The result? Me, in front of my computer, consuming mass quantities of YouTube videos. In my defense, this is also my way of avoiding my last few hours of Christmas being spent in bed, staring wide-eyed awake up at the ceiling getting all buddy-buddy with my ~feelings & thoughts~. No thanks. The migraine is enough fun. After this I'll probably drag myself over to the couch & watch some tv though, but no promises.

Anyhoo, I had a point. What was it?

Oh, yes. Spam.

If it weren't for the migraine, something like tv or even some good ole stand-up clips would've sufficed, but seeing as I can't stand anything that makes me laugh or strain my eyes too hard right now, that leaves only a few options remaining: fanfic (until I need to lie down), chill fanvids (which I can sit close to & put at a low volume), & music.

As luck would have it, I not only came across a good new Brennan fanvid tonight, but was also introduced to some new music today as well. I figured I'd share. )

All right, now I swear I'm done spamming for the day. Peace.
rachg82: (roslin operahouse)
So. Christmas. Ho ho ho & what-not.

It's really hard to explain what I'm feeling, because I'm not sure I even know what it is. My head hurts & it's kind of just too much, you know? Sometimes you don't even want to expend the energy to think about it. You've got an ache in your chest and you know something is bothering you, but you don't want to deal with it. You spent the day with your uncle, aunt, and cousin's family, & that's fine. It's more than fine. It's far better than many other holidays you've had, that's for damned sure.

So it's like--why even bother dwelling on anything else? Just push it down. Push it away.

It doesn't matter that the only gifts you got were the manipulation bombs from your loca-ass drug addict mother (which got donated), a $100 check from your father (included in a card with no personal note--same as every year), and a plant-watering chia pet-lookin' thing from your schizophrenic uncle. That's okay.

It doesn't matter that no one called you.

It doesn't matter that your grandma doesn't send you a card anymore.

It doesn't matter that your dad couldn't think of more than two things to say to you when you called him, despite only talking to you on holidays. It doesn't matter that neither your stepmom nor your brother asked to speak with you.

It doesn't matter that your nephew never called to thank you for his present.

Does any of this surprise you? No.

So, get over it.

This is what I'm telling myself. It's partially working, for what it's worth. I know the drill: one foot in front of the other. This is just another day. At least I didn't have to spend the day with my mom & stepdad, right? Even though that's depressing in its own way, due to what it represents, it does have its perks. No drama. No crazytimes. I mean, would I like to have a mother I could spend today with? Yes. Would I like to have a dad who acts like he loves me? Yes. But oh well. It could always be much worse. Would some of the traumatized refugees on Yemen's Beach of Death like life to cut them a break? Duh. My apartment looks pretty spiffy in comparison. Of course it's not a competition though, but my point remains. I didn't ask for any of this, it does suck, and I have a very legitimate right to feel sad; however, in response to the big bag of dicks life handed me, I made a choice--at least as far as my mom, stepdad, and sister were concerned--and it was the right choice. All I can do now is listen to what the Serenity Prayer says: accept what I can't change, change what I can, and do my best to learn the difference.

Doesn't mean it's easy though. Especially on days of cultural/familial significance.

I am glad I was able to see my uncle & them though. That was nice. I admit I felt a bit like a stray dog/pity guest--there were a few random "no one should have no place to go on Christmas. That's ridiculous. . .there's always an extra setting here. . .keep family close!" comments & then everyone was all noddy & I felt very on the spot--but I do think my uncle genuinely enjoyed having me there, so it's okay. As for how he's doing, re: the lung cancer, he was in the hospital for a few days again this week due to coughing & a low blood count (no one told me until today though), and honestly it just seems like things are slowly getting worse. My aunt mentioned something about how they'd cook the turkey "next year," and all I could think was, "he won't be around by then." Because really. I just don't think he will be. I'm trying not to think about it, because there's really just no point--we all know he's terminal & all you can do is live day by day in that case--but yeah. It's sad. All afternoon my cousin's baby (who is frakking ADORABLE, by the way. Happiest baby ever) was waving at him and clapping, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how he won't be around to watch him grow up. I hate it. It's a horrible thing to think, but he deserves to live so much more than either of my parents. He's so much nicer. It's really, really not fair.

. . .and I think that officially makes me an evil person. I probably shouldn't admit to thoughts like that on Christmas, huh? Oh well. I'm nothing if not honest. It's just, he smiles at me, you know? He smiles, and he watches Firefly, and BSG, and offers me chocolate, and he's not mean. He's never been mean. Not ever. I don't want him to die.

Okay, I think that's enough for today. On the bright side: I made it. Christmas is over, finally, and it wasn't even really that bad. It was actually decent & fairly nice-ish. Even though I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Such is life. As Micah said to Bones, it's better to feel sad than dead, right? At least it means you care.

And on that note, I'll leave you all with a Vid of the Day (this time by PsychotiicSlayer). Let's let the cast of Bones kiss the boo-boos and make it all better, shall we? If nothing else, at least Christmas gives me an excuse to rewatch my favorite episode every year, "The Man in the Fallout Shelter". ("Woman in Limbo" just barely misses a tie & earns the silver).

rachg82: (Cam face)
Blame my boredom for this one, folks. This is what happens when you combine an abundance of Diet Pepsi, YouTube, Bones fanfic, and a random brain of randomness.

I hereby present to you--my lovely flist--the Booth/Hannah/Brennan love triangle of season 6, as summarized by the ladies of Sex & the City:

P.S. This is brought to you by a bona fide B/B shipper who *does*, just for the record, believe they will be together in the end (much as I knew Big/Carrie would be). Nevertheless, POINT REMAINS. Bones is totally K-k-k-k-katie.

(P.P.S. "The Way We Were" = classic)

rachg82: (dollhouse sierra shadow)
1. I'm tired of my brain. I want a break.

2. I made an effort to eat more than once today, walking up to Taco Bell for lunch (I've gotten used to eating in the evening), but it was followed by a panic attack on the way home. Social Anxiety is becoming a bit of an issue again, I think, plus the decision to go up there was an unplanned thing and you guys know how I am about spontaneous change. Add to that the fact that being malnourished can create physical symptoms that mimic anxiety anyway (lightheadedness, shortness of breath, etc) and it's not surprising I felt like crying by the time I got home. Especially since there were like a million cars on the road (it's bad enough feeling overwhelmed, but even worse when there's a bunch of shit going on around you). Or at least it felt like there were. Ugh.

I'll be okay, and I calmed myself down quickly afterward, but it was disconcerting. As it is, I don't want to keep eating so little, and I also don't want my social anxiety becoming a problem again. Perhaps while I'm unemployed I can combine the two issues and use trips to the store/etc to buy food as exposures for myself every few days? That would probably keep me in check anxiety-wise, and it would make it more likely I'd eat more often even when sitting at home (i.e. if I had food here already vs. having to go out & buy it/have it delivered. Right now I'm pretty much out of just about everything).

For the record: I never had a second meal, technically, but I did have a few handfuls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch tonight. That counts for something, right? At least I'm trying to push myself, despite my brain. I know my brain is wrong (and kind of a d-bag), that's the thing.

3. My head is killing me at the moment. I think it's because it's constantly thinking so much. CUT IT OUT, HEAD.

4. I got told by a friend on facebook today that I'm "always so literal." I was like (in my head), "uhhhh, basically, yes." Ha. Then the conversation somehow turned into us discussing duels & bad 1970s pornos. Also: my nickname is now Stabby McKnifey. Just, y'know, in case y'all were wondering. Which I'm sure you were.

5. Once Hart Hanson is finally done torturing us, I personally think this song should be the soundtrack for the Booth & Brennan Sexytimes Hour. Is it weird that I've put thought into this? (don't act like you haven't too)

Sadly, I have a horrible feeling this song will be the soundtrack to Brennan's feelings after next week's episode. I HOPE I'M WRONG. But that promo? Ahhhhh. Someone hold me. I just don't think HH is done torturing us yet. Season 6 = angstville, for real. I'm thinking of popping in some BSG DVDs to cheer myself up. (take a moment to soak that in)

6. I worked out a payment plan with my electric company. Onto the next one. *eyes cable bill. . .hides*

7. I still haven't started looking for work yet. I suppose I should start doing that, huh? Can't I just not?

8. Are any of you watching Amazing Race this season? I WANT ONE OF THE ALL-GIRL TEAMS TO WIN SO BAD. The guys this year are such unbelievable shitstains. Especially the punk rocker guy. Ugh, I want to punch him in the THROAT.

9. Only one month & some change until Southland returns! Woo! (Oh, TV. What would I do without you?)

10. Only about twelve more days (I think? Right?) until [livejournal.com profile] dradiscontact arrives in P-town. Awww yeah. Fangirl Party in the hizzouse! We've already established an X-Files rewatch will be going down so you know epic times are going to be had. Plus, have I mentioned she also likes Bones & BSG? This place is gonna be rockin'.

My Vid of the Day today comes from KatrinDepp, and it is ridiculously good. Like, nghhhh. I just want to send this video to Fox Studios right now with a note that says, "HOW DO YOU THINK HANNAH COMPARES TO THIS? HOW?! GIVE US BACK OUR B/B! DAMN YOOUUUUUUU."

All I gotta say though is once they finally do get it on? It's gonna so motherfuckin' intense, all the TVs across America will burst into flames in unison. Watch.

(P.S. I'll be the one there with the marshmallows)

rachg82: (fanfic roslin/adama)
I really, really need a .gif of Kermit flailing all over the place right now.

Let's talk about Bones and that promo )

In other news: who saw Psych this week? I really should check out Twin Peaks one of these days, huh? (P.S. SHAWN & JULIET, I WANT TO SQUISH YOU. You see, Bones? NO MOONLIGHTING CURSE.)

Anyway, that's it for tonight as I don't have any real-life stuff I wanted to get into. It was nice to have nothing but TV flail to distract myself with for once. Like a vacation from Emo Land, complete with complimentary capslock. For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna go with this one by KatrinDepp that takes clips from several shows (X-Files, Bones, House, & Scrubs). It makes me smile every time I watch it, so I figure it's perfect to go with my Vacation from Emo Land theme here.

rachg82: (Adama/Roslin arm in arm)
I am so tempted to call it a day. My brain is totes not having it though, as it's like "GO. YOU. WRITE FANFIC NOW." But then my body is like, "Bitch, you are TIRED. GO TO BED." I think I need a referee.

I have to say though, I'm pleased with how it's going so far. Of course it's taking forever, but that's not a surprise. When I used to write research papers, there really wouldn't be such a thing as a "rough" draft with me. Just an outline and then the finished product, meticulously written & edited & re-edited & rewritten a hundred times as I went along. OCD like a mofo. So, I have no idea when this will be done, but I do know it's progressing along easily and I'm really, really enjoying the process.

~I heart projects!~[/Cher from Clueless]

What I do not heart, however, is my new desk at work. It is a sucking suckfest. People walk by constantly, and I feel like I have no privacy. On the upside, my coworker and I decided it would be okay if I set up a tripwire (with some pillows for them to land on, of course. I'm nice like that) and hung up a giant sign above it that just read, "GO THE OTHER WAY NEXT TIME."

In other news, I have no money to my name until Friday. Zilch. Nada. Little bit of food to get me by & a bus pass, yes, but no money. It's my fault (I'm a temp, so if I miss work it goes unpaid. And the paycheck I deposited tonight won't be available until Friday because tomorrow is a holiday), so I'm not complaining, but yes. I'm used to having a safety net of at least a thousand dollars at all times, so this is a live-and-learn lesson. Unemployment + missing work at a new job = broke ass broke-itude. It's not okay to me, even if I know I can survive it, because safety nets are important. If something were to happen, it's irresponsible not to have money set aside in an emergency fund. Going forward, taking care of my physical & mental health to ensure I don't miss work (at least not excessively, I mean)--and then saving up money for that safety net--is going to be one of my top priorities again.

Otherwise, that's pretty much it for today except to add that my sister had to face Lance in court this week (not to testify, thank God) and he's possibly facing up to a year in jail for felony assault. The judge denied the option of letting him take anger management classes etc due to his previous history of abuse, to which my immediate response was basically a "CAN I GET AN AMEN? ENJOY THE JUMPSUIT, FUCKER."

I seriously just want him to go away. I don't want him around my nephew, whom he's an asshole to, and I don't want to have to worry about him coming after my sister. So I will probably throw confetti in the air if he gets that sentence. Still, the whole thing does suck, and I wish Jayden and Isabella had a good father. There's no "win" in this for them, no matter what happens. Either he stays out of jail and they still have a father who beat their mother in front of them--something that could totally happen again--or they lose their father for a year, which will be sad for them because they do love him. So no matter how you slice it, they get the short end of the stick. What I care about though is what's best for them. I also care that douchebags who beat women don't stroll around town thinking they're hot shit & acting like they're gonna get away with it. Might I add too that he's in the process of trying to send away for a Cambodian bride? I'M NOT KIDDING.

Bottom line: after this all went down, Jayden told my sister he wished she hadn't called the police. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not what you think," and told her it was because it made him afraid he'd hurt her worse the next time.

THIS. This is why the bastard needs to go to jail.

On a more positive note, she did tell me she left a message with some domestic violence people about counseling, which is HUGE. She also said she'd like to take Jayden, which I really, really hope she follows through on.

Wrapping this up with a Vid of the Day (this time by tinkonbrink), let's let Bones cheer us up, y/y?

rachg82: (dollhouse sierra shadow)
Time for some more random randomness:

1. Have I mentioned lately how much I love the Tao Te Ching? Because I really, really do. It's quite possibly my favorite book to re-read.

2. I had one of the worst migraines I've probably ever had last night. Second time in the last few weeks that I couldn't sleep all night because the pain was so bad and I couldn't stop vomiting (I actually lost about 1-2 pounds if that tells you anything). Even after taking advil pm, I still kept waking back up and nothing--not the advil, not imitrex, not a cold washcloth or ice-pack--would ease the pain even a little. So horrible. By about 4 o'clock in the morning, I was just shaking and crying on the bathroom floor, asking God to help me.

Not surprisingly, I missed work again today. So, that's the bad news. The good news is I went to the doctor )

3. I wish I could stop dreaming about my family. I took a nap today & woke up in a cold sweat because of a nightmare about my stepdad. He kept trying to hug me & was saying really inappropriate things to me, and I just couldn't get away from him. My mom was there too, and I kept trying to lock doors that wouldn't stay shut, and was pushing him away & yelling that he'd ruined everything and I hated him. Then one of my cousins (on my mom's side) in the dream found my lj & started writing to me about how horrible I was to leave them all. The whole thing was just. . .yeah. Subconscious, can you kindly cut it the fuck out?

4. On the things-going-well-front )

5. There haven't been any pieces yet this year that give me chills, but I've really been enjoying So You Think You Can Dance nonetheless. I love the All-Stars, flailed like a fangirl when they brought Anya & Pasha out to do their audition dance again, and love Kent so much I wish he were my little brother. I just want to pinch his cheeks.

6 And finally, a memelicious meme from [livejournal.com profile] astreamofstars:

1. If you're on my friends list/reading this journal, I want to know 35 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine.
2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal, if you so desire.

cut for meme & my own answers )

For my Vid of the Day today, I've gotta go with another Bones pick (this time by edolino82) as I was rewatching the show again this afternoon and am currently on a crazy Booth/Brennan high. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I can't even. . .gah.

rachg82: (Bones pornado)
A few things:

1. Work today was bananas. Extremely busy, especially since I was playing catch-up after being gone last week. It definitely helped my mood to feel productive & get my mind off things though.

2. People were sweet to me after returning too, which is nice. Meredith told me she'd missed me, which made me realize I really do have low self esteem as I automatically assumed she was kidding. I think I need to have a Stuart Smalley moment with myself.

3. The weather today was perfect. '70s with a breeze. I took advantage of the mild temps to take one of my jaunty woodland trail walks (hee, it never gets old) and saw about a million bugs & birds. In that order. The mosquitos are NOT PLAYIN', that's all I can say. And as for the birds, I don't know if there's like a Bird High School reunion or something going on (what? Birds need an education too!), but there are about 20-30 just chilling above this one field everytime I go over there the last few days. Very entertaining except the whole time walking underneath them I'm like, "you poo on me and it will be GO TIME, son."

Ooh, also? I saw a hawk. That was bad-ass. I'm guessing he was part of the bird high school's "in-crowd" back in the day. Hee. Okay, I'll stop. Except first I'll add one more thing that I saw: ducks having a water-fight. No, really. (Mother Nature, I ♥ you)

4. A not-bad looking guy said hello to me as I walked past him. Maybe the woodland trails made him jaunty? Ha. Seriously though, I've been noticing that I'm getting more attention again since I started losing weight. It's kinda making me want to sing this song )

5. I am weak & should be ashamed: I peeked at the sides for the Bones season 6 premiere. I KNOW. But I promise I'll go back to being spoiler-free soon. The summer is just so loooooong. Someone needs to get me some fanfic, stat. And because I was talking with [livejournal.com profile] torigates about it today, here's my demand: Booth/Brennan phone-sex fic, preferably set post season 5 with Brennan in Indonesia & Booth in Afghanistan (don't worry, tori, that's not a spoiler. Just talkin' season 5 stuff here. You don't have to pull out the switchblade, hee). YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. Now someone just needs to write it. Or point me in the direction of it.[/perv]

Speaking of Bones, I'm feeling a strong urge to rewatch the hell out of it right now. That or Gilmore Girls. Random, I know. But in honor of my resurgence of Bones-love, it gets to be the pick for my Vid of the Day today. This one's by ferryboatproductions and is a cute little assortment of clips to brighten everyone's day. "Jesus is not a zombie!" Haha. GOD I LOVE THEM.

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