rachg82: (mulder/scully foreheads)
1. Why must Livejournal keep changing the font for posting? I don't approve, sir.

2. I also don't approve of the liquid-hot mag-ma (and the sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their freakin' heads, obviously[/Dr. Evil moment]) churning throughout my stomach, nor whatever the eff it is I did to my back this week (maybe carrying heavy groceries home? Jesus, I'm getting old). It's seriously the kind of pain that makes you want to run into walls, flailing, all, "JUST KNOCK ME OUT." As an alternative to that, I've sort of just been spazzily rocking back & forth, bouncing my leg, & breathing like a Tibetan monk. Y'know, as one does. Ugh. Aleve & Pepto are not really cutting it, can I just say.

3. Somehow I have managed to apply for a handful of jobs though, plus I walked to two different temp agencies today. I have an interview for one tomorrow (they'll probably be the most promising); the second place did an interview with me already (less promising). On a bizarre note, I took a drug test while I was there, and she said it came up positive for meth. Whaaaat in the actual fuck. I was like, "Uhh, no. Not even." I had to tell her the medications I'd taken recently, which didn't even include cold meds (those could explain it, if I had), but she looked up Cymbalta & said she found info indicating it can cause a false positive. So she marked it down as negative in my file. It makes me feel nervous though for future tests. I really hope it's not the medication doing it, and that it was just an error on her part. I've never taken a urine test before where it wasn't run in a lab, so I didn't trust her process much. Also: I looked it up when I got home & didn't find anything conclusive in regards to anti-depressants & false positives, only a bunch of anecdotal stuff. Now of course I'm paranoid it's a kidney infection or something that's causing it, like, "My back *does* hurt! Dun dun DUN." Whatever, brain, God.

4. Meanwhile my stress levels are RIDIC. I don't even have five bucks to my name, and I wish I were kidding. At least I have food, but still. STILL. My phone, internet, & power are all about a hot second from getting cut off. Rent for November is…yeah. I can't even ealihgigh. Where's that wall again? I'd like to run into it now.

You guys have already helped me so much, and I certainly don't expect anyone to help now if they aren't comfortable with it/aren't able, but I'm pretty desperate at the moment, so I'm going to post the link to my PayPal account again in the hopes I can gather at least enough to pay half my rent for November & some of my bills:

5. I realized a flaw in my plan to look for a job as a nanny again -- it was my nephew I used to watch, so it'd be my sister that people might want to call when checking that out. And it's not that I think she'd be so petty as to lie & say I was bad or something; it's more so that I'd worry about the fallout later, personally. Her emails still go straight into spam, but you just never know. Plus what if she got that call & started going off to my mom or my grandma or whomever about how I haven't seen Jayden or Isabella in almost a year but now I'm gonna ~go watch other people's kids~ & what a horrible person I am & bla bla bla, and then Jayden overhears, and God, IDEK. I'm gonna talk to my counselor about it on Thursday, probably, to get her perspective. It might be too much for me to have to think about at this point, but we'll see.

6. I finished season 1 of Psych yesterday -- super enjoyable. Especially the last two episodes. I swear, when Lassie got Shawn's bike back for him, my heart grew three sizes. And? Jules with a pink headband is just about the cutest shit ever. I wanted to tackle-squish her. Ooh, AND: Shawn/Jules = smack your mama-levels of adorbs + I'm in love with Gus. I think that about covers it.

7. My fic is pretty much done. I only have a line or two left to write & then a final read-through of the whole thing, so: probably tomorrow(ish), barring the Hellmouth in my GI tract opening up & swallowing us all whole. Let the drumroll begin!

8. I'm still watching Castle to give it a shot, and I'm liking it more now, though not quite to a fangirly degree. At least not yet; sometimes it happens gradually for me. But it's keeping my interest. I was amused by last night's Halloween episode having such a similar plot to the Psych finale I'd just watched, heh. Oh, TV. With your tropes!

9. I was looking for a clip on YouTube the other day by Maria Bamford (one of my longtime favorite comedians), and while I didn't find the exact one I was looking for, I ended up finding something even better. Basically, the story behind it is that she had a nervous breakdown a few years back, leading to her moving back in with her parents ('cross country), and while she was there--recovering, getting back on her feet--she filmed a series of "shows" in her room, sort of documenting the experience for her fans. If you're familiar with her comedy, you'll immediately recognize the family members she impersonates, but these vids go deeper than that. They're frequently hilarious, as you'd expect, but also brilliant, and honestly pretty damn moving at times. She talks so candidly about her depression & anxiety, things I very much identify with, at a level that is super brave imo considering her public status. There are twenty "episodes" in all, only a few minutes each, and OMG they just made my night while watching. The final one had me in tears, TWICE. Like, I rewatched it today & cried all over again. It's funny how sometimes you come across something you SO need to see at the exact right time. That's how it felt.

Anyway, so I absolutely knew I'd want to share the links here, which I'll do below. If you only have time to watch one for now, though, at least make it this one:

And here are the rest )

…off to go rewatch all twenty again, brb.

10. Wrapping this up, I managed to get four days behind on that song challenge meme, so I'd better get on that. Days 7-10 )
rachg82: (topher remember)
I'm up late tonight, angsting over whether my unemployment claim will be successfully reopened and, if so, whether this last week will count, etc, and I figured it might be a good time to refocus my attention somewhere less crazy-making. I'm not going to know either way until Tuesday, so there's really no point in stressing (of course that's not going to stop me, but nevermind that). Especially since regardless of financial woes, today of all days is a giant reminder of one thing: at least I'm alive. I'm not always thrilled by that fact, but even so, right now? I'd prefer to be not dead. That might change a day from now, or a week from now, but *now* is where I am, so there you go.

And I know some would rather treat this like any other day, not make a production out of it, and I get that--and respect/don't judge it--but for me, I've always felt it was important to remember significant events when I can. Not as an obligatory type thing, but simply because it's just the way I am. I'm retrospective like that.

That being said, this is one of those entries where I almost feel like it cheapens things to allow comments. The post should just stand for itself. It's not looking for a response. Y'know?

Rather than come up with some poignant look back at the ten years that have passed, however, I'm just gonna keep it simple & type up my private diary entry from that day. I of course won't edit or correct anything, so bear that in mind. You're dealing with 19 year old Rachael here, not 29 year old Rachael. cut for those who'd rather skip )

Ending this, I will add at least one more thing: I watched a special last night on TLC about Frank De Martini and Pablo Ortiz, and I think of all the coverage I could've seen, that was the right pick. I've said before that 9-11 was like the best & worst of humanity, all put on film for the world to see, and those two men exemplify that. Simply because they were willing to face death, more than 70 others got to live. When you get past all the bullshit, all the douchery that the human race is capable of, it's good to remember that people can actually be that fundamentally kind.

I'll leave everyone now with one of my favorite songs, performed by the BBC orchestra on 9/15/01 in honor of those who died:

rachg82: (abed humbles me)
I have been spending the last couple hours alternating between efforts at forcing my stubborn fic into submission (I officially give up for the night. YOU WIN, SLEEPY BRAIN.) and cracking up over vids like this. That entire channel is pretty much pure WTFery. In other words: win.

Anyway though, so I have a point: that particular animation reminded me of Don Hertzfeldt's Rejected Cartoons, right? Which, A. brilliant, B. hilarious, and C. led to me watching some of his other work. Oh, YouTube Black Holes. You never steer me wrong.

Okay, so that's not at all true, but this time it is because, hello, this:

…has got to be one of the most amazing things I've seen online. Like, ever. I've watched it twice now, and I swear I almost teared up at the end. SO ODDLY BEAUTIFUL.

I had to share. Hopefully you guys don't mind my vidspamming tonight. Heh. I'm done for now! So.

P.S. To all of you in Canada? SPOIL ME TOMORROW & I WILL KILL YOUR FACE. In other words: enjoy the finale! Hee.[/will be waiting until Thursday, pouting]

P.P.S. I lied about being done. Ha. ONE MORE.

They really need to upload the rest of this:

rachg82: (tigh/ellen this calls for a drink)
Yep, you read that right--1,000 posts. THEM'S A WHOLE LOTTA WORDS, CHICAS.

(Psst: note the Rocky theme song as my current music selection. Heh. *runs heroically up flight of stairs*)

Obviously, I couldn't let this ~momentous event~ pass by without some kind of tribute. I mean, seriously, if you stretched my entries out one per year, you'd have a millennium of Rachified Rambling. WHAT THE.

Thankfully, I have my Year in Review posts & lots o' tags for lots o' subjects, so taking y'all on a journey down Memory Lane is as simple as pie. (Though, can I just say, pie? Is not simple. WTF, cooking cliches. It should be updated to "simple as ordering a pizza." THAT'S simple. Plus, pizza can also technically be called a pie. HA, relevant.)

Anyway. I thought about how to organize this, and I decided that I wanted it to be something celebratory & fun; the sort of thing I could look back at later for cheering up when needed (similar to my Year in Review posts, but focusing solely on positive things). So, I gathered together a mess of smile-inducing pictures & quotes & other random nonsense from the last 8.5 years and smooshed it all together into one cray cray sentimental entry. It's exactly the type of time-suck project I needed last night, and I hope the rest of you will enjoy it too.

P.S. This misty water-colored event is dedicated to all of you on my flist, most especially: [livejournal.com profile] dosidella, [livejournal.com profile] keenai, [livejournal.com profile] sonneta, [livejournal.com profile] nomnivore, [livejournal.com profile] jasminelily, [livejournal.com profile] auroura76, [livejournal.com profile] maryng, and all the rest of the original Meta/TWoP crowd. Y'all have been with me from the *start*, and I KNOW you're a huge part of why I'm still here. And I do mean that literally. I am so grateful for all of you.

Aiiight, but enough of all that, and let's get down to it.

Like the corners of my mind: 1,000 side effects of verbosity. Damn, this bitch can write )

I don't even want to know how long this will look, considering all the pictures. Heh. *covers eyes & hits "post"*

For my Vid of the Day, let's keep with the theme:

rachg82: (kara starting over)
1. I have a new musical obsession. I was watching clips on YouTube of Portlandia & Thunderant, and I came across St. Vincent (she performs live in one of the Feminist Bookstore skits--here). Whyyyyy have I not heard of her before? Please tell me I haven't been out of the loop on this one, because if she's not already huge, she should be. three examples of why )

2. I'm very behind on my flist at the moment, just as a heads-up. I've been sleeping a lot the last few days. I have skimmed some entries, but I need to go back & comment on quite a few.

3. I wish prescriptions could be delivered. I ran out of my anti-depressant and didn't feel like going out, so the refill is alllll the way…two seconds from here. Yeah, it's basically in the parking lot behind my apartment complex. THAT'S how lazy I am. Also, I need to do laundry & still haven't gotten my new jeans hemmed so that I can wear them. It's a problem. The pharmacy is closed today anyway though, so I just have to deal. I'll try to drag myself out tomorrow.

4. Rewatch update: I'm done with season 3 of BSG. I've had "All Along the Watchtower" stuck in my head ever since. Three things: A. I ♥ Romo, B. Lee, you break my heart when you sell out Roslin, but your speech is win, & C. "AND YOU MISSED! BUTTERFINGERS."

5. FU, holidays. Bite me.

6. Turns out my DVR did miss both Parks & Rec and Community (I've since watched them, no worries). Nothing to say about the former really, but re: the latter? Way to do a flashback episode consisting solely of things we've never actually seen on the show. Ha. THE HAUNTED HOUSE. Also: way to make fun of retcons in absolutely brill fashion, not to mention your own tropes. And? WAY TO MOCK THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF SHIPPERS & FANVIDS, hahahaha. The slow-mo & Sara Bareilles! BEST EVER.

7. I haven't worked on my fic in a really long time. Insecurity, frustration, and apathy are such mojo-killers. I'd like to get back to it though. Perhaps new music will help.

8. I love LJ, but sometimes I feel like I'm talking into a void on here. I get sad when people don't comment/aren't around, and I feel very uninteresting & lonely. It's just the nature of the medium, I know, but it still gets to me occasionally. I need the outlet, but I hate feeling attached to the outcome. Or people in general.

9. Since I finished my tedious tagging project, I thought I'd share a couple humorous findings )

10. In honor of my rewatch, let's have a Vid of the Day that focuses on season 4.0. This one's by aguid23:

rachg82: (sleepy dewitt)
This weekend has been not at all productive; however, in my defense, my stomach is acting like a jerkface. The thing is: when you're not used to eating very much? You can't suddenly change things around by gobbling up a bunch of fatty crap. BBQ chicken pizza & cinnamon sticks are great & all, but only when they actually *stay in your body* for a normal length of time. Ugh.

TMI, I know. Sorry. Point is: I spent most of the day sleeping (I took an anti-nausea med & those knock me OUT) & pretty much nothing was accomplished. Hopefully I can at least do some laundry & go to the grocery store tomorrow to buy some healthier food options. I think I'll wait on clothes-shopping until Monday.

On a weird note, twice this morning while I was half-awake I thought I heard knocking (well, more like slamming) on my front door, along with my mom's voice yelling & the door knob being jostled. Each time I fully woke up enough to look at the clock (first time was 8:30 a.m. & the second time was around eleven a.m.), but due to me having been only partially awake/still groggy, I couldn't tell later if it had actually happened. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm in bed "waking up", you see (but they're normally followed by typical dreamy stuff). It didn't feel like I was still dreaming though, and I clearly remember thinking to myself that I was going to just ignore her & go back to sleep (which I did). The reason I think it must've been a dream though is that there aren't any emails in my spam folder. I can't imagine she would've dragged her crazy ass over here without writing me some uber nutty nonsense either before or after. Even so, it freaked me out. Once I have the money, I'd really like to move & change my number. I'd still stay in the Portland area, but at least then it would be somewhere my mom/stepdad/sister don't know of. I just want to move on, y'know? Clean break.

In other news: the BSG rewatch continues. I'm done with the first four eps of season 3 (New Capricaaaaa[/flailing]). So good. So, SO good. The "refugees return" scene in particular still kills me (the saluting, the cheering, poor Tigh & Kara all alone--I can't even deal). That whole arc though is just brilliant, period. One of these days I'd like to write up all the reasons why I love it--much as I did with Pegasus--but for now it'll have to wait. I'll just say, it's a prime example for why smart people are drawn to the show. It's not just what happens there, or how it's filmed (wonderfully, btw--the lighting, gah), or how on-point the acting is; it's also about the political issues that are addressed. The occupation, the insurgents, the suicide bombings, the detention center, the refugees dealing with their anger/trauma later, ALL OF IT. It's so layered & not at all black & white. Bad guys do good things & good guys do bad things. I JUST LOVE IT, God.

And if you think I'm messing around, this is all I have to say:

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. My show got invited to the U.N. Did yours? (P.S. They also won a Peabody + Time Magazine named it the best show of the year in 2005 + bla bla etc…)

Anyway, heh. You get the idea. IT'S GOOD. WATCH IT.

Lastly, remember the ongoing commitment/resolution I've been setting for myself when it comes to living? (obviously it's not just about that--it's also about calling a hotline or going to the hospital if I feel incapable of keeping it) Well, the last one was until the end of March. I'm still getting occasional thoughts--I don't think I need to specify. You guys know what I mean--but they're not as frequent/intense. Obviously I would prefer to not have them at all, but it's still progress. That being said, I'm aware that the next few months feel tenuous--not just because starting a new job is potentially stressful for me (change), but because of Mother's Day in May & my nephew's birthday in July. I got through both events last year, though, which is reassuring. Still, I remember how bad my depression got around that time, so my resolution for now is just until the end of May. That feels manageable. At that point, I can extend it to the end of July. Two months at a time, you know? It makes it less difficult, at least for now. I hope I'm in a confident enough place mentally by the end of July, however, to simply say, "I'm here 'til the end of the year, no matter what" like I did last year. Obviously, I did end up calling a hotline in September, so it's not like the commitment somehow means I'm promising I'll *want* to live until that date, but in my opinion my resolution there is largely what got me to pick up the phone in the first place. So, yeah. It's important.

That's it for now. I'm going to either work on my fic or try to go back to bed. For my Vid of the Day, I have a happy tribute to the women of Firefly, made by yfish42. Despite the fact that I forgot to add it to my 2010 Soundtrack, this song was absolutely one of my themes regarding my family last year. I wouldn't have thought to pair it up with this show on my own, but it works nicely.

rachg82: (Roslin Kara laugh)
For once, I actually have nothing but positive things to write about. Let's take advantage of this & jot them down:

-I called the unemployment office. I qualify for extended benefits. My weekly amount will *not* go down--I misunderstood the letter--and I am safe for the next 20 weeks. If I still don't have a job by the end of July, I can call back & potentially qualify for the next tier of extended benefits, which also should be the same amount & simply last a shorter amount of time. Hopefully I won't need to do that though. That's still four months away.

I can't even explain how relieved I was when I found out. The call was WAY simple & the lady I spoke with was really nice. The hold time wasn't even nearly as long this time. I just feel really lucky right now, like I can take a deep breath & clear my head.

-I finally, FINALLY put away my fake Christmas Tree. I also cleaned up the pastels & paper that had been sitting on my living room floor--basically unmoved--since I used them with Isabella last year. Doing so meant me looking at these pictures (tw warning), which was the first time I'd seen them (off the computer) in a long time as they had been intentionally flipped over/covered. I feel like it means something (not hugely, in some grand cheesy way, but just a little), putting those pieces away in the closet with all my other old art. Putting it *away*, y'know? It's symbolic. I like things like that.

-Remember how my hair was thinning/falling out last year? I took a shower today--another positive thing; I can't remember when I took one last; I even straightened it afterward with the flat-iron--and the spots where I used to be able to lift layers of hair & see big, random patches of my scalp have almost entirely filled back in. Just goes to show--my doctor was right. She told me hair loss like that can happen anywhere between 3-6 months after an extremely stressful and/or traumatic life event, and in my case she was right on the dot, timing-wise. I'm sure the anemia didn't help either, but still. It's amazing how much stress can affect the body, especially in cases like that, when it doesn't happen until later.

It'll be nice to be able to start complaining about my hair being too thick again. Heh.

-My Bones-friends are rapidly being converted to the wondahs of BSG. First, we've got [livejournal.com profile] bloodwrites, who also gave me joyface by talking about Dollhouse in her last entry (P.S. if you're reading this, bb, I'm sorry I haven't replied yet to answer your request for BSG vids/fics. Hee. I love that I'm the one people think of for that stuff though. I'll try to hook you up soon!), and then we've also got [livejournal.com profile] gina227, who cracked me up with her last entry, flailing about the s1 finale (y'all know how I feel about that Opera House scene! eialhaoilghoighg). I LOVE WATCHING MY FRIENDS GET INTO MY SHOWS. IT'S MY MOST FAVORITE, FAVORITEST THING EVER.

-I went outside today while it was actually still light, got food, and though I don't know yet if I'll eat a second meal before the night is over or not--I still feel good about that. Going outside before dark has become a ~thing~ for me lately. You have to face more people & they can see you more easily and…yeah. It's more difficult. I even smiled & said hello to a neighbor. CRAZY.

-It feels like spring all of a sudden. I already mentioned the Cherry Blossom trees in my last entry, but seriously: it was almost warm enough to take off my jacket out there. I have my blinds slightly open right now (just slightly--ew, bright lighting & people staring in. Heh. NOT A FAN), along with the sliding glass door so my place can actually air out a bit.

It carries positive associations for me, because I was SO determined last spring--right after everything started to really hit the fan--to move on & survive, change my life, and be happy. On one hand, I'm nowhere near "over" things yet, and I still have a long way to go, but I do feel like it has to count for something that I've MADE IT through all of this, that I didn't just bare-knuckle it but I actually *felt* a lot of it--not all, but at least STARTED to--and I'm still here. It doesn't mean the depression is gone (one day of a few positive things/vaguely good mood doesn't equal "I'm all better!"--I've learned that before the hard way), nor does it mean things like Mother's Day or my nephew's birthday etc won't potentially cause problems for me in the upcoming months, but hey, again, it has to count for something that I'm still here. Right? And I've had at least one day again that felt partially good. That's something to appreciate, particularly after many, many days that were not even remotely good. Certainly not under the surface (and of course often blatantly as well). I mean, I can still feel the depression & pain & stress & bla bla bla under the surface now too, but the "good" on top of it feels more authentic/substantial. I don't know if that even makes sense, but there you go.

Of course the ACA in me is fighting feelings of nervousness because of this, like, "THE OTHER SHOE COULD DROP AT ANY MINUTE! YOU ARE GOING TO JINX EVERYTHING IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE HAVING A DECENT DAY." Oh, issues.

Anyway, that's all for now. For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna recycle one of my faves from sczep84 in honor of the one-year anniversary for Adama & Roslin sweeping The Shipper Showdown like a couple of frakkin' champs. Let us not forget I even switched my vote from Mulder & Scully. THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE TWO. Also, that's how good [livejournal.com profile] sumpta's campaigning was. Heh. Seriously. That girl was on a mission. Much respect.

rachg82: (Brennan special snowflake)
1. I'm hungry. Frankly, it's irritating me. Heh. [livejournal.com profile] juliedarling, you were right. I'm still on one Topamax per day, but omg STOMACH RUMBLINGS. WTF is THIS all about. Look, body, it's 3:30 in the morning (as I start this entry), you've already woken me up with a headache (which is at least now at bay, thanks to Excedrin), we both know there's no edible food in this apartment, so what do you expect me to do? Alchemy? THAT'S FOR METALS, STOMACH. Also, it doesn't exist. Make some sense, ye. *medieval rimshot* (Ahh, who doesn't love an oh-so-timely alchemy pun? No wonder I'm single.)

Okay, so I can acknowledge how unfair it is of me to expect my stomach to just ~not be hungry~ when all I had yesterday was a burrito & chips, but it still bugs me. Irrationally. Like, if I choose to eat, fine. But my body telling me to? Annoying. There should be a message system allowing you to tell it in no uncertain terms, "YOU'RE NOT GETTING FOOD UNTIL SUCH & SUCH TIME. STFU UNTIL THEN; I HAVE THINGS TO DO." Like a little keyboard that pops out of your stomach & then slides back in. Then your stomach can receive the message & be all, "Bitch is you crazy?" And you can be like, "Maybe I am, stomach, and MAYBE I AM."[/SNL Dog Show reference. Heh. Except that particular skit has a different variation of their usual "maybe I am" bit, but whatev. Close enough.]

(I do at least have peanut butter, though. That is seriously the depths of patheticness I've reached. To avoid passing out, I must dig peanut butter out of a jar with a plastic knife. OH YES, did I forget to mention? My actual knives are dirty. I do, however, have plastic knives. I AM SO LAZY, I WENT FOR THE PLASTIC ONE. Not only that, but I *bought* them so I wouldn't have to do dishes the other night. She shoots, she scores.)

At some point this weekend, I'm going to have to clean out my fridge (thar be monsters & expired milk) & go to the store. I also need to call my old friend/coworker to ask for directions to the call center where she works so I can apply there. Then I need to call the unemployment place about getting an extension (assuming I don't "luck out"--woo, meh--and get a job right off the bat where my friend works. You never know). In the midst of all this, I can practice *not* panicking & envisioning myself homeless or dead in the upcoming weeks (whatifIdon'tgetthebenefitswhatifIcan'tpaymybillswhatifwhatifwhatif, etc). I'm really not comfortable with the whole loss of control thing--it cannot be stressed enough. Deep breaths. I'm trying to joke through it, but I honestly am very anxious.

2. I've been too busy doing absolutely nothing to write my Bones review yet. Well, there was some sleep in there too, and going through my room trying to find things. That was uber exciting (not really). I'll try to have it up this weekend, though. For now I'll just say that I loved it. I don't know anyone who didn't, heh. Like, hello, obvious statements are obvious. (as a sneak-peek/random aside, however: this was my reaction to Booth in the diner scene. Hahaha. Don't worry, though, he more than made up for the transgression throughout the rest of the ep!)

3. I need to get back to writing my fic. Hopefully the new hiatus (oy, with the hiatuses already) gives me the motivation. I haven't felt very motivated for *anything* lately. I think stress is blocking me. I get this way when I'm really worried about something that's unresolved. I feel like I can't do anything until it's over. It just like OWNS me. But at the same time, the idea of calling my friend/the unemployment agency/etc is also overwhelming. So I'm stuck in this AGHHHHH-state of "omg just knock me unconscious." Hence why nothing is accomplished. Not dishes, not laundry, not anything. I'm just fucking frozen. There is *too much to do* & I don't know what to do first & I can't THINK & aeaiohgoihgh. Too many things *hanging*, metaphorically. Like quicksand, surrounding me. It's so, so hard. I know the ways to deal with it--take everything bit by bit--but that doesn't make it not hard. It's like there's too much information in there ("in there" being my stupid brain), and sometimes I just need a reset button--something to wipe it clean. An aide to walk me through things step by tiny, meticulous, super-thorough step. Ugh. It's exhausting. Like, "Okay, Rachael. We're gonna make dinner now. I know we need to do the dishes first. I KNOW. First this section. Okay, now this section. Breathe, breathe. All right, so you'll have to wash that pan by hand or wait to cook until the dishes are done. I'll help you make that decision, too. Yes, I understand you were already breathing--that's not what I meant. Diaphragmatic breathing, Rachael. What? The pan has mold? Now you want to throw it out? Oh, Jesus. Okay, let's logically weigh the pros & cons of making something that doesn't require a pan, including its most likely lower nutritional value based on the limited options of what you're willing to eat vs. going to the store to buy a new pan & how much estimated time that will take--including the walk there + the shopping--added to the time it takes to cook, added to how hungry you are, added to how much money it will cost. No, skipping dinner entirely in a meltdown-esque fit of obstinate pouting is not an option." WELCOME TO MY LIFE, FOLKS. Let's not even get into what it's like to cook with me. Everything is a freaking ~operation~. "At exactly what intervals of time do I flip the burger? I NEED EXACT INTERVALS."

4. I enjoy peanut butter. Just felt like sharing that with you all. Also, it's now 5 am. I am very wordy. Ha.

In other news: I found my old private journal from August of 2001 through May of 2002, today. A long time ago, I'd typed up the entries on here & backdated them, but later I deleted the whole thing + I eventually misplaced the journal in RL as well. All I had left were a few excerpts from my 2002 Year in Review post, which in a way is like reading the ending to a story without the beginning. I actually sat down this afternoon & read through all of it. I'd like to have something ~thoughtful~ & indepth to say about it, but right now I don't yet. I might later, maybe even type some of it up again, I don't know. You know how sometimes something hits you in a way where you can't say much of anything about it? It's just too deep? I guess I just forgot how much I went through. It's actually making me cry right now, which I didn't expect. Looks like I do have a few thoughts )

5. Aaand it's now 6 am. JEEZ, I TAKE FOREVER WITH THESE THINGS--probably because I keep getting detoured by YouTube and what-not. Anyway. I do have one more thing before I go (and before the VotD, of course). While I was looking through my room yesterday--and found the aforementioned journal--I also found a few other old things. Sometimes being a packrat comes in handy, yo. Did you know I have a (until now totally forgotten) dolphin ring like Brennan? HA. SERIOUSLY. Pictures for proof. Also: bunch o' sentimental funtimez (bet you wish you had a My Little Pony wallet, don't you?) )

For my VotD, I have an INCREDIBLY good Kara vid by MadnessoftheDivine to share. It's like a work of art, gah. I can't even. THIS FUCKING SHOW, Y'ALL. If you aren't already onboard, watch this vid. That's all I have to say.

rachg82: (Head Baltar)
1. I had a dream last night wherein I was both watching & simultaneously present within what *apparently* was supposed to be an episode of Glee (WTF), and all the characters--none of whom of course looked anything like the people on the show--got together to sing Feelings by Floetry to apologize to a girl in their group for hurting her wittle teenaged feelings or some crap. One even broke out with the spoken word poetry, much to my horror, while they all stood there in a cheesy semi-circle, wearing headbands & looking earnest. And in the dream I was all, "NO NO NO! GLEE CANNOT SING FLOETRY! NOT THIS DAY!" Haha. I was so annoyed.

2. Hey, did you guys know it's Thursday? Wanna know something else? IT'S BONES DAY. I cannot WAIT for tonight's episode, oh my God. It looks so good.

3. Sometime either today, tomorrow, or in the next few days, I have to give in & call the unemployment people about requesting an extension for my benefits. I don't want to do it. I have to do it. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

4. I'm really into capslock this week. Don't know if you guys have noticed.[/sarcastic] Heh.

5. I had a terrible migraine last night, so I'm already feeling nervous about the "going off Topiramate" thing (i.e. the preventative-migraine meds). I'm down to one pill per day now (I was taking three--I've been tapering off the dose). Then again, it was at the end of my period, and I'd woken up from a long nap + hadn't eaten enough, and yeah. I don't know. I don't really have good choices here. All I can say to myself is that, when I get a job again, I'll find a new doctor & reassess my options. Like I said before, I can always go back on it in the future (if that seems to be the right decision), but in the meantime, I was becoming concerned that the side effects were worsening my eating issues/depression/energy levels. Plus, it's that much more money to spend every month, and the refills will soon be out--hence what started the whole thing.

I guess we'll just see. It's not even that, oh, I can't deal with being in pain, y'know? Clearly, I can. But it's a lot easier when you're unemployed. The problem is that I can't stay unemployed forever and, when you have a job, *that's* when getting the really severe migraines become an Issue<--intentionally capitalized.

But at least over the last year I did make efforts to reduce the stress in my life--if you think about it. That's one of the things my doctor told me to do, when it came to helping the migraines in the long-term. Stepping away from my family IS part of that. If I can get a job, begin sleeping & eating consistently again (i.e. regular/predictable times & amounts), start exercising again, those things will probably also help. And, again, this is something that can be reassessed later. I don't need to ~figure it all out~ right now & obsess, even though that's what my mind always wants to do.

6. On a positive note, I created tags for my Year/Decade in Review posts (I enjoy being organized), and while I was at it I took some time reading excerpts of entries from this month over the years, i.e. March in '02 & March in '03 and so on. It's an interesting way to get perspective on yourself, especially when you're in one of those "I've accomplished nothing & have no chance of getting anywhere!" shame-spirals (truth is, I *have* progressed. I'm better at understanding/acknowledging what it is I'm feeling now; I'm better at standing up for what I need; I'm better at trying new things--like writing fanfic, for instance; it's something I didn't think I'd ever have the nerve to do--etc. I'd say I'm more in touch with myself in general, which is certainly an accomplishment. It's just hard to see sometimes, understandably).

Anyway, I was thinking it'd make for a good meme in case anyone else wanted to swipe it for their lj: take whatever today's date is--in this case, 3/17--and choose an excerpt(s) from an entry posted on that day (or another day that's close, if there's nothing applicable) for each year that you've had your journal. Post the quotes together all in one entry & ~voila~. Instant self-reflection. Here, I'll even go first (possible trigger warning for some of it, as a heads-up) )

7. Speaking of shame-spirals & feeling like a failure, I got to talking with Jen about that yesterday along with the random GLUTEN-hatefest the whole world seems to be in on lately )

8. My BSG rewatch continues. Yesterday, I watched "You Can't Go Home Again," "Litmus," "Six Degrees of Separation," & "Flesh and Bone." Two things: One--"Six Degrees of Separation" cracks me up every single time (No more Mr. Nice Gaius!), and two--"Flesh and Bone" is awesome. AWESOME. "To know the face of God is to know madness." And everything he says to Kara about her childhood? Ahh, so good. The whole thing. Wanna roll around in it.

9. This entry's already pretty long, but I'm sitting on good music & feel like sharing some of it. 3 songs I'm listening to today )

10. And, finally, for my Vid of the Day, here's what I kept thinking of all throughout my rewatch of "You Can't Go Home Again." I still wish Gary the Cylon were a real show, haha. "Get ready to do your stand-up routine in Hell."

rachg82: (BSG Billy)
I feel like (this simile is brought to you by [livejournal.com profile] torigates. She knows why) a big pile of hot crap. My head is fuzzy/dizzy/achey, there are things running down the back of my throat (let's not elaborate), and need I add that I'm still on my period? Because I am. Also? My ears hurt. CAN YOU JUST NOT, BODY? I mean, really. I feel icky & feverish! This is not acceptable.

It doesn't help that I've barely eaten for, like, days. (less than usual, I mean) But that's because my stomach was hurting. At least that's over, now. See, this is what I get for hanging out with a friend & her baby. BABIES ALWAYS GIVE YOU THINGS. Always. They're like Trojan Horses of Viral Cuteness.


I don't even have cold medication! (Oh. Turns out I wasn't done yet. Heh.) All I have are Emergen-C packets! WAH!

All right, NOW I'm done. *stomps & pouts, throws things*

Moving on. My unemployment runs out this week. It's possible that's what I'm really spazzing out about. I'm trying to remain calm, however. From what I've heard, it's not actually that big a deal to get the extension. I'm probably worrying over nothing, as per usual. Sort of like how my apartment is a mess and every time I look around, I think, "I AM A FAILURE! LOOK WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! WHY AM I SO WROOOOONG?!", when--in reality--that's probably a bit of a harsh judgement. Meanwhile, the trigger for that thought was seriously maybe two things: 1. the dishes in the sink (they've been there for weeks), and 2. the fact that I still have mostly the same furniture & such from when I moved out of my mom's house seven years ago & that I haven't bought new things & decorated like some successful/amazing "Adult Archetype" that I've made up in my head + seen on TV. Who the fuck knows. I have issues. Like, there's me in my bed, all, "OMG, THERE ARE BOXES. AND AN EMPTY POP BOTTLE THAT NEEDS TO BE THROWN OUT THAT I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WAS THERE UNTIL TODAY & WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME ESPECIALLY BECAUSE CLEANING EVERYTHING NOW SOUNDS TOTALLY OVERWHELMING. I AM CLEARLY TRAINING TO BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ON A&E'S HOARDERS AND AM DOOMED TO DIE ALONE & MAYBE THIS IS MY FAULT BECAUSE I CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT MY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY & I'M JUST AS MESSED UP AS THEY ARE & THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME ALL ALONG & OH GOD I'M ALMOST THIRTY & I HAVE NO ONE & THAT PICTURE IS JUST THERE OUT OF HABIT & THE FACT THAT I HATE CHANGE & I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE IT & SHOULDN'T I KNOW IF I LIKE MY OWN THINGS & MY LIFE IS PASSING ME BY & AHHHHHH.[/holy crap, that was a lot of capslock]

Right, and then I go back to sleep (then, that is, not now), because seriously. My brain exhausts me.

On a positive note, it looks like spring is finally coming. On one hand, I find that vaguely depressing for some reason--I think because I wanted to have "accomplished" more by now, and because it's bringing up memories of last summer, when I spent time with my sister & the kids & various friends--but on the other, it will make it more likely that I'll start taking walks again, I think. Whatevs, new season, fresh start, right? I'll just go with it.

Anyway--sick or not, I'm awake, and I've got stuff to ramble about, so let's get going. Just remember: you've had your preemptive warning that I'm sick; ergo, this may be cracky as Hell. I tend to go on major tangents whenever I have a cold. Like, you know that scene on Buffy when Andrew is imagining himself as a god? And he's all skipping around in a field of daisies, singing, wearing a toga & what-not? That's about as much logic as you'll find inside my brain when I'm sick. Okay? Okay.

Let's roll.

1. First on the agenda, I need to share a few things that made me laugh today. And I'd find a more creative/witty way to phrase that, but again with the whole MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING-ness. Apparently it is capable of using capslock, though. Funny things this-a-way )

2. Not sure if/how long it'll continue for yet, but the BSG rewatch has commenced. I watched 33, Water, Bastille Day, and Act of Contrition today. I have just a few things to say )

3. I am finally ready to talk about Bones. Of course by now no one probably cares, but that's okay. I took notes, yo. So, there. Feverish Bones rambling. Fun, fun. )

I'm going to be wacky & wild and end this entry with three points today. I don't usually do that. I could stretch it to five, but I won't. This entry's already ridic.

For my Vid of the Day, let's celebrate the fact that it's Southland/Parenthood Day, shall we? Sure, sure, Southland already had its season finale, and Parenthood is a rerun tonight (new eps come back in two weeks). I know. Grr hiatus grr. But I don't even care. HAPPY SOUTHLAND/PARENTHOOD DAY ANYWAY.[/still with the capslock. Apparently colds make me hyper]

This one is by vortex199, btw. I should probably add that. Heh. And I'm going now before I can talk more.

rachg82: (XF fangirl)
Nope, still haven't watched my shows yet tonight; however, I have been fully sucked in to reading the comments over at Fandom March Madness. Since I'm anal like that, I don't really like jumping into the fray until I've at least tried to catch up on (the gist of) what's already been said, and holy fuckballs this thing only started today & there's over *2,300* comments & 18 pages of .gifs, smacktalk, lulzy macros, non-stop capslock (the "language of March Madness", as my friend [livejournal.com profile] softly_me put it), and cracky fangirl shenanigans.

THIS IS WHAT MARCH WAS MADE FOR, PEOPLE. I so needed this right now.

My favorite comment so far?

I couldn't have said it better myself. Ha. Seriously.

Meanwhile, I feel like I need to personally apologize to Leslie Knope for not giving her my vote. I'M SORRY, BB. I JUST LOVE APRIL SO MUCH.


Haha. Like I said: I SO NEEDED THIS RIGHT NOW. Such a great distraction.
rachg82: (Adama/Roslin reading is sexy)
1. Oh my God, self. Way to sleep in until 5 o'clock in the evening. GO TEAM. So much for taking a Jaunty Woodland Walk today! It is going to be so hard to rearrange this whole owl-like schedule I've fallen into, I swear.

FIVE O'CLOCK. It's not like I've never done it before, but sheesh. That is just ri-donkey kong-ulous.

2. At least I finished my PWP ficlet last night/this morning (whatever, "time". With your "AM/PM" nonsense! I MAKE MY OWN ROTATIONAL AXIS, EARTH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Um…or something) Yay.

I do by the way consider it a fic, not a poem, although I'm okay with others calling it that if they want (which some have). cut for some writerly pondering )

3. There are legit snowflakes mixed in outside with the rain right now. It's almost March, yo. This is Oregon. That is simply NOT how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts. (haha, [livejournal.com profile] dosidella, I told you I'd make that a thing)

4. My ficlet wasn't large enough to warrant a full-fledged ginormous soundtrack this time, but I will at least share ten a small army of songs which may or may not have assisted in the writing process. Mini-Fanfic-Soundtrack: You Must Be This Short To Ride. (P.S. that's what she said) )

5. I'm about thisclose to calling Southland the BSG of cop shows. It's getting there. I can feel it. It's not *quite* there yet (Sammy held back! If he'd gone for it--and by "it", you know what I'm talking about--I would've given it that title. I was partially convinced he was about to turn the gun on himself), but it's on its way. The lighting, the gritty realism, the "We're gonna make you watch this scene with one hand over your mouth, because you KNOW WE AIN'T AFRAID TO BRING IT & we might be about to throw down, son"-shit, the acting, the *human* drama & comedy, the directing, allll of ittttt. I love it, love it, love it. I'm not at all cool with there being only a couple more eps left this season. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Ooh, and? I have a new theme song for John Cooper. Trick love da kids!. Hahahaha. Seriously though, I love what a freakin' SOFTIE he is every time anything comes up with foster kids. He just loses his shit. Screamin' at case workers, prowling the town, you name it. Then he slowly walks up to the kid like a gentle Mama Bear (or perhaps like a lion with a thorn in its paw--so many similes, so little time), and it's like, "I'm sorry. Who are you, again? Aren't you usually the hard ass?" Hee. I LOVE HIM. He's my favorite, after Lydia.

Come to think of it, oh my God, he's kind of an Adama. I wonder if he furiously brushes his teeth in the morning with a Care Bear Glare Stare & flails paint around when he cries?

6. Parenthood last night was am-aaaaa-zing, as usual. That show really, really gets the dynamic between siblings when it comes to having an addicted/shitty parent. Everything that went down in that storyline was just A++++. Also? Ha HA! at that scene with Syd and her grandparents. I've told you guys before about the time I was a kid & my stepmom ordered me to stay at the table until I ate her taco salad, right? Yeah, I stayed there until bedtime & didn't eat a bite. I WILL NOT EAT YOUR LETTUCE, WOMAN. I TOLD YOU & YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.

The clip with Max and the TV brought back some memories for me too, I have to admit. I'd like to think of myself as having been a good kid (and I really was, considering everything I had to deal with around me), but honestly? I raised some hell at times. Only rarely to that type of degree (that I remember), but when it did happen, it would be triggered by similar things--something not being done the same way as before/as planned/feeling out of control, etc. Like, you'll notice that whole argument for him started by him being upset that she didn't start the homework at the same time that Abby (his behavioral aid) did. He expected to still be allowed to watch TV, because she hadn't followed the rules properly herself; ergo, it was irrational of her in his opinion to expect him to. In my case, the particular memory that it inspired was different, but I just remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my stepmom because she wasn't washing my hair "right" in the bathtub (obviously I was still relatively young at the time), and how she told me years later she'd end up leaving the bathroom in tears sometimes because she didn't know what to do with me. I'd freak if she didn't bend my ears down ~just right~ (so no water would go in), I'd freak if she'd use the "wrong" type of glass for rinsing out the shampoo, et cetera. It was a whole big thing. And when I say "screamed at the top of my lungs"? I mean high-pitched, full-bodied *screamed*. Sitting there shaking & bawling, having a complete breakdown. "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT! I WANT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! I TOLD YOU TO DO IT LIKE *THIS*! YOU'RE STUPID!" My dad would have to walk in & try to intervene, bla bla bla. It ended with me "teaching" her the proper methods of bath giving, and eventually she just didn't give me baths while I was there (I'd just wait to wash my hair until I got home since I couldn't rinse it myself "the right way", at least until I was older & started showering, which wasn't until I was at least eleven or so--I was intimidated/scared of the shower & remember feeling like I didn't know "how" to do it). Yeah. Er, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, MARY. Heh. God.

I'm really looking forward to next week's episode, by the way. Max learning about his ASD will make that plotline contain so much more depth than it already does, which is saying a lot. I will be really bummed if Abby stays away though. I liked her. (Jasmine bugs me, too. Ugh. I still want her on the show, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if she & Crosby are right together.)

7. I can't believe we have to wait two more weeks for Bones. What kind of shenanigans is this?

8. I really want ice cream right now. I choose to blame [livejournal.com profile] keenai for this.

9. I also feel like rewatching a BSG ep right now. Which one should I choose? (I'm leaning towards "33" since I was talking about it with Jen the other day, but I'm open to recommendations)

10. My Vid of the Day today comes from thay2504. I randomly came across it on YouTube last night, and omg the flaily hands it gave me. FLAILY HANDS. That ending! Brennannnnnnnn. You are my homegiiiiiiirrrrrrl.

rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
Oh, sweet baby Jesus. This is exactly what I needed to make waking up halfway through the night (figures--now that there's nothing to do) worth it.

Musical meltdown o' ecstasy in t-minus 10, 9, 8, 7… )
rachg82: (XF fangirl)
I am in the mood for distractions. I still have over an hour until Southland & Parenthood come on, no one's updating their LJs, I don't feel like cleaning or looking for work, and wah wah blah MEH. Hmph.

Therefore, I turn to YouTube. Music is not going to cut it right now. I need stand-up. For those of you who don't know me well yet, comedy is one of my oldest loves. It wouldn't be a stretch to say it was an obsessive interest during my teenage years/early twenties. I don't keep up with new comics that way anymore--probably because I have too many dang fandoms & such (also because Comedy Central simply doesn't focus on comedians as heavily anymore)--but I still adore the medium. When I'm down, it's something I know I can always turn to.

I thought it'd be nice to share a few of the clips I watched tonight with you all. Maybe others could use the pick-me-up as well? Laughter is physically & emotionally beneficial after all (don't make me bust out the science).

P.S. I fucking love India.

Laughter is the best medicine )
rachg82: (Booth/Bones smile)
I am finally, FINALLY done with my fic. Holla!. (P.S. That's totally my theme song for the last episode of Bones, because it made me so happy. Haha.) Okay, so this one only took me two weeks, compared to a month last time--though I was working then (so it actually makes sense, if you think about it. They're both about the same length)--but it felt like it took forever. Maybe that's just because I kept saying "I'm almost done!", though. Hee.

ANYWAY. God, I ramble. Go read it. Otherwise it means you don't love me.[/peer pressure]

It's still peer pressure if there's only one person pressuring you, right? I am sort of a peer. I suppose now this means I have to try to convince everyone to join gangs & pull Helen Hunt Window Shenanigans too, eh? (CRANK IS STANK, HELEN HUNT. WHY WON'T YOU LEARN! Hahahaha.)

That's pretty much all I had to post about tonight though, heh. Except that my sister is now harassing my friends too--there's also that. Yay! Except NOT yay. Poor [livejournal.com profile] dosidella got a message on Facebook. Jesus fuck, go awayyyyy. I don't really feel like killing my good mood by getting into it though, so we'll leave that for later.

*eta: What am I talking about--of course it's not the only thing to post about tonight. Resolution to live until 1/31/11? (Remember how I extended it for a month after New Years?) No SI? Passed with flying colors, mofos. I find it extremely meaningful that I finished this fic on the 1st of February. Cheesy, I know. Don't care.

This time, let's go for two months. 3/31/11. We'll take it from there.

Now, since I *am* in a good mood right now, and since I'd like to go chill with my DVR for a bit (Southland & Parenthood, woot woot!), I'll end this with a "good mood"-song Vid of the Day. Hit it, Jill!

rachg82: (Brennan walking in the rain)
Title: Sunlight on a Broken Column
Fandom: Bones
Author: [livejournal.com profile] rachg82
Rating: PG-13? R? Meh?
Characters/Pairings: Booth, Bones, Cam, Hannah…stuff & fluff…(no Pooh Bear, though. Oh, bother.)
Word Count: 7,455
Spoilers: I started this fic post-"The Doctor in the Photo" and just finished it today, so anything up to "The Bullet in the Brain" is fair game.
Disclaimer: This show is not mine, the characters are not mine, and the quotes I snuck in like a crazy reference-makin' ninja in the night aren't mine either. I'll cite them at the end, don't worry.
Summary: Booth, Brennan, life, friendship, love, perfection, cycles, regret, healing, and the universe. That about covers it, I think. (heh)
Personal Note: This one means a lot to me. As my flist knows, it's only my second fic ever, and it got me through a particularly difficult month (after an incredibly challenging year). It gave me a reason to keep going. There is so much personal meaning to some of my words here that it's almost more so a tribute than anything else. I love & relate to these characters so, so much. I hope I was able to convey that well.

But what I do know is to us the world is different )
rachg82: (Brennan I love music)
For anyone who's ever wondered, this is what it would look like if I were to get a job writing Hollywood love stories:

Oh, Facebook.

Speaking of love stories, I've got about 6,800 words done on my fic. Yeah, boyeeee. Two more sections to go (I think) and then I should be done. I know I keep saying that (heh), but this time I mean it.


Damn't brain, stop thinking of words.

Either way, it's getting completed before Thursday, so help me God.

Changing subjects, I wanted to thank everyone for their input & comments lately. It's helpful. It's the right thing to go back to ignoring my mom's emails. I do wish I didn't still feel so nervous about her coming over though. Every time a car door closes outside, I tense up. Otherwise though, I feel fairly calm about how I'm handling my life right now. That's good at least.

Then again, who knows if that's 100% true. Ha. Maybe I'm not ~feeling my feelings~ and I'll find out I'm not really calm, and two days from now I'll burst open like a dam, all "I AM STRESSED!" We'll see. I'm not doing a perfect job keeping up with my resolutions, my place isn't eat-off-the-floors-clean, I still have my damn fake Christmas Tree up (hoardersapprenticeFAIL), bla bla bla, but HEY. I'm eating twice a day more often than not, and I'm *trying*. That has to count for something. I just want to find a middle ground between perfectionism & utterly giving up. I will keep acknowledging where I'm succeeding & where I'm falling short & adjust accordingly, working my way up towards my goals. Some take higher priority than others, like eating & job-searching for instance. If I haven't taken a walk yet, it's not the end of the world. I went out & did social things instead. THAT'S OKAY. It's all right to be spontaneous & flexible if it's for something positive, right?

In the meantime, I'll leave you all with three--count them THREE--Vids of the Day. Don't you feel lucky!

Three songs to make your night better )
rachg82: (personal slogan)
Well, hello there, January 27th. We meet again.

Once, I looked like this:

Hey, what the crap? Rachael's blonde! )

That was a fun waste of time, eh? Ha. I so need to get my ass in the shower/do laundry/eat/bla bla bla, too. I slept in absurdly late today (like, 3 pm, late. And only got up then because my alarm was set). In my defense, however, I accidentally missed picking up my refill of Topiramate (my migraine medication) yesterday, therefore missing a dose, and it totally threw me off. That is *not* the kind of thing you stop suddenly. I could not fall asleep last night for the life of me, particularly because my heart was all race-y & I'd heard a side effect of sudden discontinuation could be seizures, even if you don't have epilepsy (its original purpose was as an anti-epilepsy drug & is still used for that too), so I was all, "OMG, I DON'T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP & HAVE A SEIZURE.[/irrational thinking] I've heard there's drooling involved, which would be most unpleasant. Also, I haven't finished my fanfic yet, so I'm not ready to die yet, in case that's a possibility." Ha. Seriously, MY BRAIN, folks. But, hey, at least my reaction was that I *didn't* want to die! That's something!

Not to worry, I picked up the refill first thing this morning, then came home & passed out. Heh. IMAGINARY SEIZURE AVOIDED. Yay. (Cut me slack--I was fairly OCD as a kid & I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If you tell me, "don't stop taking this suddenly," I'm gonna freak out if I accidentally screw that up. At least I don't feel the need to write down if I take things like aleve anymore; I used to do that, worrying I'd somehow "forget" I'd taken it & then overdose on it or something by not allowing a full 24 hours in between. Dun dun DUN. *rolls eyes*)

In other news, I started my day with barf. OF COURSE. I'm just gonna consider it symbolic & a representation of me releasing my past. Let's go with that. Sounds better than "I am uber stressed & holidays have horrible associations for me & ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH."

It's okay. I made use of my time last night--once realizing I had missed getting my refill & was gonna be up climbing the walls anyway--writing my fic. The ending is forming itself in my mind now & I'm beginning to feel really pleased with the whole thing. Holla. I can't decide if I want to wait to watch tonight's episode until after finishing it though. I have the feeling I'm really close to being done--like, might finish it tomorrow or the next day-done--or if I should watch it & let it possibly become incorporated into the story, in case anything happens that alters the plot or characterization. I think you guys know by now that, while writing, I get everything sort of just *laid out in my head*, and it frankly annoys me & frays my nerves when anything comes along to cause a deviation from that path. Ha. Like, the nerve! Of a TV show! Thinking it can do things with its own storylines! Whatev to that.

OH, and before I forget: a huge, huge thank you to everyone for their Birthday wishes/greetings/love so far. Especially [livejournal.com profile] crystalcazzie for the chocolates (that was SUCH a nice surprise!), [livejournal.com profile] dosidella for the book (thanks again, sweetie), [livejournal.com profile] vash26 for the message, and [livejournal.com profile] sonneta for the vgift. I'll try to reply individually to everyone soon, but in the meantime, I love & appreciate all of you so, so much.

P.S. HAPPY BONES DAY! Haha. In my haste to finish my fic, I kind of forgot about that. Tonight's episode actually looks really good. After all the angst & handwringing, I'm ready for some shootin'! LET IT OUT, BITCHES!

Vid of the Day:

rachg82: (Default)
I am officially a fan of catharsis. And writing. )

For my Vid of the Day, I'm continuing my theme of taking-time-for-joy by sharing with you guys my favorite love song. It will absolutely make an appearance in my upcoming Fanfic Soundtrack, which--btw--is getting totally out of control. Haha. Lord help me.

rachg82: (topher remember)
So, I thought about something this morning. It's not just my birthday next week that's been a big deal as I try to shake off 2010 & start anew. It wasn't just Mom showing up. Or 12/31/10. It's also January 23rd, this Sunday. My stepdad's birthday. Every year: four days before mine. And almost a year since denial ceased being a possibility for me. You know paresthesia? When your hands start going all tingly & numb, and that's when you know you need to chill out, because your brain's freaking over something?

As [livejournal.com profile] keenai said in a recent entry of her own, feelings are stupid, but they must be dealt with. I've got to try to talk about this as much as I really, really don't want to (P.S. there'll be some bonus/unrelated shit about my self-esteem & issues as an lgbtq female in here, a.k.a. this is going to be--by necessity--long. My brain goes on random tangents, I know). )

For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to actually do something special. I have a handful of vids I'd like to share, each of which relate to my last few entries in some way. To spare my flist's servers, I'll put them behind a cut )

August 2017

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