Backpockets full of dynamite, while the neighbors talk & talk

I talked with Jen on the phone last night, and she helped me figure out what's been making me anxious -- turns out it was everything. Seems fairly obvious in retrospect, but I was looking for a more specific cause. Sometimes stress & emotions tend to just pile up, I guess, especially when I'm having trouble expressing them, which has been the case for me over the past couple weeks. For one, I've been going through a "can't cry properly" phase, which has been robbing me of catharsis. And I say "properly", because my eyes were able to briefly tear up, but that's as far as they'd go. At least until I talked with Jen, that is, and then suddenly tears were streaming down my cheeks. Maybe I just needed to talk to someone I was close with who I knew would understand? I don't know why I didn't call her before either. I wasn't exactly withdrawing -- I had dinner with Annie on Friday (Thai this time), went out for a drink with Amy & her gf on Saturday (I would've gone to an ACA meeting prior, but this was prevented by a bad migraine I woke up with. As it was, I ended up vomiting after lunch & skipping dinner. I just ate chips & salsa instead and stopped at one drink, which I knew wouldn't be enough to affect what was left of my migraine, and because I can't resist a blended lime margarita, sugar be damned. It's like an adult icee, and I love icees), texted with Alexandra (still in the hospital), and went to a pumpkin patch with my sister and the kids on Sunday. Then again, all of the above is pretty superficial socializing -- I'm not SUPER close to any of them, minus my sister. I mean, I can talk to Annie about my mental illness stuff, which is great, but I feel like I have to ACT like I'm still doing "okay" and am remaining positive. We're not past that phase yet. Same goes with Amy (I doubt the two of us will ever move beyond superficial though). And I tried talking to my sister about my anxiety a bit, but she just doesn't get it. Namely, she doesn't get my need to know WHY the anxiety's there. For her, she can just handwave it away, like, "guess I'm just having a couple of anxious days. Don't know why. I'll go smoke." She thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But for me, I have to wonder, "Is this temporary? Am I starting to lose it again? Is it my new med combo? Will it get worse or better if I raise my Abilify? Will I need to go into the hospital again like Alexandra? What should I be doing to cope & calm myself down so I don't have a crisis like that? Nothing's working!" I can't just safely ignore the symptoms, especially when I get to the point of over-using my sleep medication (because I can't bear to be awake anymore, and the normal dose isn't cutting it, especially because my anxiety is so high), knowing what a risk that poses & only partially caring, having suicidal ideation, and cutting on my arm (because apparently my thighs aren't enough to shock me into numbness anymore), all of which happened this weekend.

Amongst the things that have been bothering me: ( details, details (and a trigger warning for talk of self-harm, scars, disordered thinking around eating and body-image, and suicidal ideation) )

Moving on, my sister took a few pictures of the kids and me at the pumpkin patch this weekend, so I'll share those before I wrap this up with a VotD.

( pics )

For my Vid of the Day, I have another Psych one for y'all. There aren't too many Shawn/Juliet vids that encompass the whole series, so this was a unique find.

"Psych- Shules Finale: Band of Horses "I Go to the Barn Because I Like The"" (Watch on YouTube)