Also, I like that your bar is genocide. Lots of people don't commit genocide. I mean...what? Random.
Honestly, I don't think you're failing. I think you're doing a great job taking care of yourself and making strides to do better. I think you need to be kind to yourself. Its hard to do, I know, especially because you're so used to other people treating you badly. But you are smart and funny and tough and brave. You care deeply about other people. Wanting to protect yourself and putting your needs first does not make you bad, especially because you are not being selfish or hurting anybody with your choice to heal and be safe. You are used to living in a barrel full of crabs and now that you're out of the barrel and back in the ocean, it's different and a little intimidating, but it just makes you a smart and brave crab who knows that constantly being pulled back into the barrel isn't the way you want to live. Because you need to be free to swim unhindered and play with the sea urchins or whatever.
Okay, that metaphor took a turn for the weird at the end, but you know what I mean. It's hard breaking free of destructive familial patterns. Like Iyanla said, our families brand us and ingrain stuff in us. The example she used was going to the store. It doesn't matter what your relationship is with your mother, when you go to buy dish detergent, you'll automatically buy X Brand because your mom always brought X Brand and you were raised on X Brand. And that's just going to the store! I mean, it takes a lot to try a different brand because it feels like a betrayal. Because it's a behavioral pattern that we observed and lived with and knew. So why do we expect that it's easy to change the way we see ourselves or the way we go into relationships?
That always struck me. Because it's true! You buy it because your mom bought it. It may not even be the best brand, but it's what you know. And it can take a lot to commit to buying a new brand.
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Also, I like that your bar is genocide. Lots of people don't commit genocide. I mean...what? Random.
Honestly, I don't think you're failing. I think you're doing a great job taking care of yourself and making strides to do better. I think you need to be kind to yourself. Its hard to do, I know, especially because you're so used to other people treating you badly. But you are smart and funny and tough and brave. You care deeply about other people. Wanting to protect yourself and putting your needs first does not make you bad, especially because you are not being selfish or hurting anybody with your choice to heal and be safe. You are used to living in a barrel full of crabs and now that you're out of the barrel and back in the ocean, it's different and a little intimidating, but it just makes you a smart and brave crab who knows that constantly being pulled back into the barrel isn't the way you want to live. Because you need to be free to swim unhindered and play with the sea urchins or whatever.
Okay, that metaphor took a turn for the weird at the end, but you know what I mean. It's hard breaking free of destructive familial patterns. Like Iyanla said, our families brand us and ingrain stuff in us. The example she used was going to the store. It doesn't matter what your relationship is with your mother, when you go to buy dish detergent, you'll automatically buy X Brand because your mom always brought X Brand and you were raised on X Brand. And that's just going to the store! I mean, it takes a lot to try a different brand because it feels like a betrayal. Because it's a behavioral pattern that we observed and lived with and knew. So why do we expect that it's easy to change the way we see ourselves or the way we go into relationships?
That always struck me. Because it's true! You buy it because your mom bought it. It may not even be the best brand, but it's what you know. And it can take a lot to commit to buying a new brand.