rachg82: (frost)
[personal profile] rachg82


Ended up getting my sister a gift certificate for Old Navy, for fifty dollars. That's, um, really a lot of my money. But I've always spent like that much on family members (unless the gift happens to be less, but is like perfect for them), so I would've felt cheap with anything less. I was going to get her one for forty (I don't know why the ten dollars makes a difference to me, but it does), but they didn't have a gift card there in that denomination. So, fifty it was. But, she deserves it. Ouch, though. Going in there fucking sucked, because it's like "hey! Look at all the cute clothes we have that you can't have! Haha! Loser."

If you minus my Mom, the night was nice. Corinne and Lance and I made a lot of jokes, and laughed. But of course Mom couldn't just be normal, for her Birthday. God forbid! First, I guess she forgot to take her lithium for a while lately, and also did it with whatever it is she takes for ADD, and has been without her estrogen hormones (she takes it, because she had an ovary removed) for the last three days. So, she's a barrel of laughs. Angry!Mom. Yelling in the restaurant and being pissy over fucking everything!Mom. Good times! Oh wait, except NOT. And of course don't forget the talking to herself, ranting and raving, and screaming and crying over like nothing. Right.

Mickey needs to fucking LEAVE. He's supposed to leave tomorrow. He's a nice enough guy, but I am so ready for him to leave. Mom's been flipping her lid over him, all week. It wasn't that bad till yesterday, though. She's getting all manic and, ugh. She hasn't been out buying shit or anything, you know, like sports cars (heh, I still can't believe she did that. Christ.), but she's all loud and innappropriate acting. Getting really mad, for no reason. It's hard to explain, but I know it when I see it. So does she, and she knows she's being crazy too, but then a second later it's like she forgets, and is back to the being crazy-ness. This is the season when the drama starts, and last time she started acting like this--mad at everything, embarassing me in public, blah blah blah--she ended up in a psych ward. So, yeah. I'm tired of this, yo. Really, really tired. Can you imagine what my neighbors all probably think of us? God. All the shit they've heard over the years. We're totally the crazy family in the neighborhood. I'm not going anywhere in public with Mom for the next few weeks. Not till she calms the Hell down. If she's going to go off the deep end, she can do it without me, God damn't. Yes, I know, I'm horrible. But I can't handle it. I can't handle being around it, in public. I just can't. I shouldn't have to. She doesn't even give a shit, how much it bothers me, when she's outside going off to herself. Can't she just be crazy inside? Why does this shit always have to happen around important dates? Like, thanks for always fucking up everyone's holidays and birthdays, Mom. And there's always an excuse. "I forgot to take blah blah. I'm out of blah blah." Yeah, what the fuck ever. It's called make it a priority to keep track of that shit, and DON'T FORGET OR RUN OUT. Okay, my chest hurts, so I need to calm down.

She says she might ask for medical leave. Joe said it's okay, because you know he has to give permission for everything. *rolls eyes* Right, because if she didn't, then went fucking CRAZY again, that would be better? Idiot. I guess maybe he realizes that, though, because he was like "Yeah, it's okay for you to go on it." Gee, thanks, Dr. Joe.

Whatever. I'm just, I don't know. What's the word? Tired? Wary? Sick of it? Sick of everything? That's not a word. But watch me care. I'm making too big a deal out of this, but I'm tired of existing on the edge, worrying over her going over it. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR DEAL WITH IT ON YOUR OWN! That's what I want to scream, sometimes. I know it's not that simple for her. But the way I am? I keep shit in. I mean, online, it all comes out, but in real life? Stoic's the middle name. Or as stoic as I can manage. Shove it down, and get on with your business. Sure, everything can be breaking apart around you, and you're drowning, you're losing it, but you don't start crying or yelling about it on the street. Of course, after a lifetime of doing that, I sort of had a lovely nervous breakdown, so maybe I'm not the portrait of perfect mental health management, myself. I know I'm not. But at least I don't bring everyone else down with me. I feel selfish. But I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of being embarassed in front of people. I'm tired of trying to talk to her, and get her to just STOP, and calm down, just so two seconds after I've left the room, it can all start again. I'm tired of her mattering all the time, and me mattering like 1.5% of the time. I wish I was capable and had my shit together like my sister, living on my own. Whatever, like I said, this is the same ole, same ole. I shouldn't be sitting here, crying over it, and bringing back the headache I fucking just finally got rid of. But Aunt Flo is here, and I guess it all just gets to me, sometimes. She was doing okay, lately, for a while. Why can't it ever last?

I should just try and keep in mind that I'm on my period, and everything is bothering me ten hundred times more than it would normally, because of it. But I'm feeling down, and lonely, and sad. I'm feeling like maybe two or three people are even caring about this entry, and feeling disgusted by myself for even writing it, because no one cares and I planned on keeping this entry short and simple but God knows that's not possible for me and I'm a loser. Oh, and I have no idea how I'll ever live on my own, and it's too overwhelming to even try and consider, and I don't know how I'll ever make it through school or how long it will take me at the rate I'm sure it'll go, and I don't even know what I'll major in or do for a career, and I'm going to die alone. That about it? I think so.

I'm going to feel embarassed for being all teary and pathetic here, later, but I guess that's okay. I'm sure I'll feel better later, but blathering on about it now is better than moping and dwelling in my own head, isn't it? Right.

Okay, the night wasn't all bad, though. Like I said. But meh. Stupid anxiety is really trying to get at me, lately. Fuck off, anxiety, we've already dealt with this! Sheesh. Go bother someone else. I'm not sure why suddenly it's happenning so much again. Maybe it's the crowds, since everywhere is busy now. I don't know, but I'm ready for holidays to be like OVER, yo. I like the holidays, in some aspects, but so much of it for me, well, is like more trouble than it's worth. I like them, though. But, yeah. I could explain it, but that's another entry. I'll just sum it up: Money? Don't have a lot of it. Need to save it. Oops, too bad, because it's all going to be spent on gifts. Work? Only going to get worse, until the holidays end, when things will stop being psychotic. Oh, and Mom loves causing drama between the fall and spring, and she's not exactly making me hopeful right now for the next few months, I miss my Grandpa, who won't be there, and I have no fucking friends in my real life, so yay, Merry Christmas to me. Whatever. I'm being very negative right now, but I promise I'll be all "Yay! Christmas lights and shopping!" later. Because there are parts of the season that I really enjoy. Anyway, back to the anxiety. I kind of freaked for a second in line at Old Navy, all panicking over walking past this crowd behind me, and out the door. Like it's realistic that I would've just collapsed the second I turned, and of course everyone would've been like "Oh my goodness, look at the crazy girl! Falling! What's she doing in public? She's crrrrrazy!" I reminded myself of this, and chilled. Then, at dinner, they sat us right in the middle, at a table. I hate that. Booths, motherfuckers! It was all right, though. And? Done. I think that's enough for now. *deep breath*
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