Same thing we always do -- fight 'em until we can't

[rachg82]

1. I'm feeling lazy at the moment, so rather than come up with a whole new description of my appointment with the counselor today, I'm just gonna copy some excerpts of what I wrote in an email to Jen earlier.

"I'll be seeing a QMHP (therapist) for counseling and then will meet up with a psychiatrist again to check in on meds & do another assessment in a few weeks, I guess.

…I saw my counselor for the first time today, and it was just lots of signatures & assessment questions, but I'm already angsting over whether she'll be helpful in ways I need (she's not a doctor, she's only been working there a year, etc) as well as worrying whether I answered everything thoroughly enough or accurately enough. It's like even if you do get someone competent, it's still so hard sometimes just to articulate what's going on with you, so that they can get in your head & know what to do. Questions like, "I see you marked that you've felt sad or down most every day -- can you elaborate?" And I'm like, "How? What do you mean?" It's one thing to write an aimlessly rambly LJ entry about ~feelings~; it's another to try to explain them in a concise & practical/medical fashion to a total stranger. Like, gee, I dunno, can I write you a poem vaguely describing them? That'd work.

I'll admit, I left there today feeling almost more hopeless and unmotivated about it, but I'm hoping my next appointment--where she'll talk to me about her treatment plan--will leave me more confident. Or I'll feel more like I'm communicating better, something.

I am thankful though that it's being covered by the general fund & that I know the crisis team is there for me too.

…I go a tad catatonic when I think about What To Do if unemployment gets denied, and the idea of moving is kind of aahhhhh, but yeah. Sleeping in a shelter would be a hell of a lot worse (the therapist brought it up as an option, and in my head I was just like, "Dude, I just told you how even working with a lot of people around me tends to make me start feeling trapped & antsy -- what are the odds that you think I'll take well to living & sleeping with a roomful of people surrounding me?") I think I'll probably find out what their decision is tomorrow (the unemployment people, I mean), or at least I hope I will. I told the therapist I'd call her first thing if the decision is negative, so I guess we'll just take it from there. The first option I'd probably look into would be living off school loans, though I have no idea whether that would work. Even if unemployment does go through, though, I'm probably still gonna look into that, honestly."

And just for good measure, in case anyone else is wondering about this option too, I'll copy/paste my answer to gina227's earlier question, re: applying for disability:

"I was reading up on it just the other day, and I did bring it up to the therapist tonight. I know what a difficult process it is, from observing my mother fighting for it, so that's made me hesitant, but yeah. It's on the table as an option at least."

Note: not sure why I wrote "tonight" when I saw her in the morning, but anywayyy. Also: I seem to end sentences with "yeah" a lot.

There is more I could say, regarding how I'm doing, but I'll save it for later. Emotions are tiring.

2. Speaking of emotions though, my mom's birthday is Wednesday. I'm gonna try my best to make it to an ACA meeting this week.

3. The temperature dropped like thirty degrees in the last three days. My flip-flops felt lost in a sea of change. (not really)

I found it pretty amusing though that weather.com had this ALL!CAPS!WARNING! about it the other day, like, "DANGER! RAIN APPROACHING!" And meanwhile Oregon's all, "Whaaaa? Rain? I've never heard of such a thing! For the hills, children! THE HILLS! Damn't, THERE'S NO TIME!"

Okay, so the warning had to do with wind speed along the coast, too, but c'mon. Fifty miles per hour? Chillax with the red font.

4. After some investigation, I remembered that my Playstation isn't compatible with my LCD TV. Sadface. Crash Bandicoot doesn't appreciate this fuckery!

5. With BBC America airing BSG, I've been rewatching eps again. Hence the new icon. For me, Scar is so one of those stealth eps that just seem all ~meh~ upon first glance, but which out of nowhere become one of your faves later on. Then again, BSG seems to have a pattern like that, with some eps being all intense!action!OMG!WHAT and then the rest shifting to introspective!artsy!flashbacks!LEEMO! Hee. Okay, not always quite like that, but Leemo's usually in there somewhere. Point is, it works for me, and I've come to appreciate the slow thinky thoughts eps so much more upon subsequent rewatches.

Since they'll be airing season 3 pretty soon, I figured it'd be an appropriate time for a creepy creeper Leoben vid by mpekowski. Fantastic song, great editing. Enjoy:

Comments

[nomnivore.livejournal.com]

*Gives you masses of hugs* I wish I could give you money to fly over to my place, and I wish I had a spare room for you to live in.

It's like even if you do get someone competent, it's still so hard sometimes just to articulate what's going on with you, so that they can get in your head & know what to do

I know exactly what you mean. I find it really hard to explain exactly what's wrong.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Man, I wish you did too. I want to go to Australia. We could ride kangaroos, get maimed by koala bears, eat Tim Tams, all sorts of things. (heh, okay, only one of those might be accurate)

[keenai.livejournal.com]

I have seen this suggested elsewhere, so I am going to suggest it to you! Instead of trying to describe your feelings to the therapist, can you print out some of your LJ entries or show her a journal entry to show her what your sadness is--at least initially?

[tempertemper.livejournal.com]

I thought this too - forgot to say. It might be a way for her to see exactly how you're feeling if you're (understandably) finding it difficult to articulate face-to-face.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about that too, actually. My problem then though would be deciding which entry (or entries) to share. But I'll figure it out.

P.S. That looks like Lauren Graham in your icon, but I know it's not. I actually went to your profile to figure out who it was, and btw, your interests over there are kind of hilarious. "Hating outside the box" -- yes.

[keenai.livejournal.com]

Ha, thanks! Yeah, it's Brooke from One Tree Hill.

[tempertemper.livejournal.com]

These first appointments can feel so frustrating and unhelpful I know - my hubs had one recently and left feeling much the same way as you, but did get something from further visits so I hope same can be said for you.

♥

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Thanks, TT. I hope so as well.

[sonneta.livejournal.com]

Dude, Weather.com keeps giving me ALLCAPS! ALERTS written in RED TEXT, and then you click on them and find out it's an alert for pollen. I mean, don't get me wrong, allergies suck and all, but seriously, Weather.com. Seriously. Save the red text & ALLCAPS for, I don't know, tornadoes or something.

Ahem. On a more serious note, I have tried the "print out your LJ entries and take them to therapy" thing, and it can help.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to know it's not just us. Heh. When I saw the red text WARNING, I was all, "Oh, shit, what up? Wildfires taking out the capitol?" I figured it had to at least be thunderstorms or something. But nope. Just rain.

[vash26.livejournal.com]

Lols - Scar as one of your favourites?????

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

This is what I'm saying! Haha. Go back & rewatch it! That final scene with Kara listing off the names of the dead pilots? It makes me verklempt.

[alias-jems.livejournal.com]

Ah BSG. ♥

Hope everything gets sorted out with the work / no work scenario!

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Thanks. ♥

[jasminelily.livejournal.com]

Do think about the disability thing -- a good lawyer can help you navigate the process, and you would definitely qualify for legal aid. And good luck with all of this, Rach!

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I will keep thinking about it. Thanks, Jas.

[huh920.livejournal.com]

HI! *Hugs* This entry is a few days old but I hope you are Ok.

Always here if you want to talk!

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Thanks, bb. I really appreciate that. Are you on gchat very often these days?

[huh920.livejournal.com]

I never even log into Google but if you tell me a time and a day, I will come on just for you!

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

We could have a standing date, maybe? Hee. I used to do that with Jen a lot.

I can't think of a specific day & time, though. Since your schedule is busier, what would be convenient for you?

[huh920.livejournal.com]

MWF is cool! I have something to do tomorrow so maybe Friday will be best. LOL

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Fridays will let us fangirl it up over Bones too, once it starts, since we'll have just seen the eps the night before. I like your thinking. Your time zone should try to move three hours earlier though -- it'd be more convenient for those of us on the west coast. Get on that.

[huh920.livejournal.com]

LOL! If only I could make that happen. I'm usually up at midnight after Bones ends anyways so after you watch it, I will be around.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I used to joke with Jen about folding space & time to make a U.S. taco. You could just hop from one side to the other. You wouldn't want to misjudge your jump, though, or you'd end up splattered somewhere in Texas, covered in salsa. Hee.

Thursday nights it is! I am excite.