rachg82

-Firstly, a big thank you to a2zmom and crystalcazzie for the cards and delicious chocolatey goodness. That was such a nice thing to come home to yesterday.

-All the shows going on hiatus is bumming me out a bit; however, after nearly losing my tv/phone/internet this week, I'm just grateful to be able to see ANY shows right about now. And at least Southland is coming back next month! FINALLY.

-I went to PCC yesterday to see an academic advisor, so of course my luck determined that their office would be closed. I was there on a normal day during normal hours, but it was the ONE weekday all month (aside from Christmas) that they had to be Not Open for some reason. Figures. It wasn't a wasted trip though, because I was able to talk to the financial aid people again, confirm my application has been processed (I had originally been told it could take until late January), and get the appeal form I'll need (they based my financial need on last year's taxes, not taking into account my unemployed brokeitude in 2011. This form would appeal that to see if I can get additional grants). So, now I just need to return that form, approve the loans, talk to an advisor/possibly take placement tests again (if needed), and then decide which classes--and how many classes--to take.

-My counseling appt got rescheduled twice this week (first by my therapist, because she was summoned into court, and then by me because I woke up with a migraine), but when I see her next I think I need to talk through some anxiety stuff that's been peeking back out surrounding school. It's been really surreal going back to that campus the last few times, and it turns out I still have a lot of baggage associated with my experiences there. For one, because of certain memories that took place there (e.g. this one particularly horrible day when Mom screamed at me in the parking lot & utterly lost her shit, the difficulty I had with my social phobias there, various classes I never completed after my panic attacks got bad, etc), but also because of current insecurities & years-old shame that somehow make me feel I'm not "worthy" of even being there, like everyone who so much as looks at me knows it. Which is irrational, but it is what it is. And part of it is the same anxiety I've been trying to work through regarding being around people more again in general, but there's no doubt that some is very school/memory-specific -- otherwise I wouldn't be getting that ~everything in slow-motion~ level of self-consciousness again over something as simple as walking down stairs in front of strangers (which was one of my phobias back then, so).

It's just something I'll have to be aware of & work on while I also continue to make sure I check in with myself about how realistic (or not) my expectations are, re: what I can handle at any given time. I may also sit down to do at least one of my old exposure worksheets before the term starts, since I can sense--without even seriously analyzing anything--that there's like a conga line of Thinking Errors dancing their way through my head whenever I set foot on that campus. Like, I go to use the vending machine or whatever, hesitate because it has a different setup than I'm familiar with, and instantly there's this litany of "EVERYONE'S PROBABLY LOOKING AT YOU & THINKING YOU'RE A BRAINLESS WACKJOB. WHY DO YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOME WITHOUT A HELMET?"-esque abuse. And then I wonder why I feel nervous. *rolls eyes* Not to mention feeling nervous distracts you & adds to confusion. Which then feeds back into the "YOU'RE AN IDIOT, SELF" train of insults. Ugh.

Still, unsettled & shaky feeling or not, I have been doing things I needed up there when I've gone, I have talked to people, and I feel pretty good about that.

-I have an idea for a short story (not fanfic), but part of its premise (an entire community aging backwards) could easily be related to an already existing movie. I haven't seen this movie, mind you, but still. If the inspiration continues, I may write it anyway, but IDK yet.

-Let's wrap this entry up with that meme, y/y? ( Psych and Parks & Rec )

I know it was totally a fiscal no-no, but I just spent almost twenty dollars (tip included) on a GF pizza & Cherry Coke from Bellagio's. I'm not even supposed to have Coke, because of the corn syrup. But, seriously, can't I just chalk it up to an early Christmas present for myself? 'Cause this shit is really good. Like, it makes me want to do my Happy Food Dance & everything. The only other time I've broken that out in the past year was probably over the Mike & Ike candies my nephew gave me the other night. Heh. And then I invented a ~Sugar Train~ & started chugging my way around the living room, all, "Sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar, choo choo!" Because I'm secretly five years old.

Oh, hey, speaking of -- guess who has new pictures of her cute-ass niece & nephew? ( That'd be me )

As for how it went, hanging with them throughout the weekend, it was nice. I didn't feel pushed into watching them or anything--the first day was my idea, and the second day was Jayden's--and my sister washed my comforter for me (which is difficult to fit into the washers here at my apartments) & paid for dinner on Saturday (in turn, I made the kids lunch & smoothies the next day), so overall there was a reciprocal balance.

And while I'm sure there's some unwritten rule out there about schadenfreude-laced anecdotes & people who've just had a heart attack, I can't help but pass this one along (courtesy of my nephew): apparently my mom came to watch Isabella do gymnastics a while back, and right in the middle of it pulled a giant wooden spoon *out of her purse* and began using it to scratch her back--like I'm saying she'd specifically put it there for ~back-scratching purposes on the go~--then proceeded to pull her shirt up, right there in public, & ask Jayden if he could itch it for her too. Bear in mind, while telling me this story he had to keep catching his breath between giggles, and was all WTF-wide-eyed, like, "I THINK PEOPLE WERE WATCHING. IT WAS REALLY WEIRD! SHE HAD IT IN HER PURSE!" Haha. Story of my childhood, kid. Meanwhile my sister was laughing so hard over this that she was crying, and I wasn't far behind. It's just so HER.

Moving on, I've decided to split my responses to that meme I started into multiple entries, since I'm going ahead with the "three vids per fandom" dealio as well, and I don't want to overload people. We'll do two shows per entry--three episodes & three vids for each--and good times will be had by all. Woo woo.

( First up, Bones & Battlestar Galactica )

Title: Abandon
Fandom: Bones
Author: rachg82
Rating: A squeaky-clean PG
Characters/Pairings: Booth + Papa Booth (not to be confused with Papa Smurf or Papa Doc)
Word Count: 718
Spoilers: Nada (unless you count "The Blackout in the Blizzard," which: c'mon, that was last season.)
Disclaimer: I don't own this show, nor do I own Booth & his daddy issues.
Summary: Game Six of the World Series -- one perfect day in the eyes of a man who never truly got to be a child.

P.S. I knocked this ficlet out over the last couple days, as usual without a beta, so I apologize in advance for any possible craptasticness.

( Let him be happy from time to time, and leap over abysses )

I hate when I fall behind here. Can't I just get paid to sit & write LJ entries all day? I mean, I'm just saying -- two birds with one stone & all. Plus, I'd totally be willing.

Every time I go a few days between updates, I end up all, "TOO MANY THINGS!", and as a result struggle to write anything. So, to make it easier on myself today, I'm just going to wrap up some memes & leave RL-related matters for next time. At which point there'll surely be even more things (the beginning of this week was rough, admittedly. I'm pretty exhausted right now, both emotionally & physically. P.S. this job involves WAY more moving of the body than I anticipated. My muscles, they are le sore), but nevermind that. At least I'm posting.

First up, a meme from lytab5:

Comment to this post with "Five Me" and I will list five things I associate with you. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your LJ (or just add a reply back to me). Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

( Here are the five things I was given )

And, finally, let's finish that 30 song challenge, shall we?

( Days 27 - 30 )

1. A very Happy Birthday to my long-time lurker friend, tenik. If you're reading this, bb, I hope you have a great day!

2. Good news: I got the job. I'll be starting next Monday at $14/hr, which, for those keeping track, is the most I've ever made by one whole dollar. My schedule will be Monday - Friday, 8 am - 4:30 pm. I'm relieved I have a few days to prepare -- y'know, get my sleep schedule in order, figure out things to bring for lunch, see my counselor on Friday, and drag my ass shopping & then to the cleaners (to inevitably have whatever slacks I buy hemmed five thousand inches). Fortunately, my temp agency pays weekly; I just need to do some math & determine how much I can give my manager for rent this month & talk with her about it.

3. I clearly suck at being a girl these days, because the mere prospect of venturing into a mall has me already exhausted, and I haven't even jumped in the shower yet. Heh. Especially since I know I need to find a pair of boots as well--long overdue--and I HATE shoe shopping. Haaaate. (Size 4 feet FTW! Except not.) Though I do like the idea of searching for something cute to wear in general; I really haven't had the ability to do that in a long time. I don't have very much to spend though, but I also don't have much of a choice. I have to get SOMETHING. You can't wear jeans there, except on Fridays, and it's getting too cold to pull off open-toed sandals. I'm going to try on some of my old work tops first though as a few of them might still fit. We'll see.

P.S. I wanted to thank everyone again for their support over the last two months (I can't btw freaking believe it's already been almost two months since I lost that job. I swear to God, this entire year has been a blur. Like, ridiculously so. It's almost unreal. Mostly all I can see when I look back at 2011 is a giant fog of depression, which is saying a lot after the Good Times Bonanza of 2010). It really means so much to me. Things could've gone very differently. And I'm by no means ~out of the woods~, but I have hope that I'm going in the right direction again. I mean, I'm trying, so by that fact alone, it's right. In the end, that's all I can do.

4. I'm still working on that Stress List, and I cleaned off my desk, table, and bedroom dresser last night. Lots o' dust, that's all I can say. It feels right now like I'll never get my bedroom floor clear (so many clothes, ugh), but eventually I know I will. Little by little. Goodwill's gonna get a big donation, as will the Food Bank (I have quite a few non-expired canned goods & such with gluten in them. They're no good to me now). It'll feel good to give back, especially so soon after I needed to use a food pantry myself.

5. It seems like I should talk about TV. I'm feeling lazy though, but here goes:

( Parenthood )

( Castle )

( Hawaii Five-O )

That's all for now. I'll have a lot more TV stuff to talk about by tomorrow night, I'm sure. New Psych, Community, Parks & Rec, AND Bones. Hollaaaa.

( 30 song challenge: Day 17 )

An undead taste of Halloween for you non-Americans on my flist. Heh. This has been going on btw for something like seven years now--zombies limp along the streets, dance to Michael Jackson, attack fake ambulances, the usual--but my favorite new addition to the shenanigans are the 99% zombies. Haha. "What do we want? BRAINS. When do want 'em? NOW."

In other news, I'm in a much better mood today, so far anyway. I have an appointment with energy assistance at 2:30 pm, I was able to put in a partial payment on my phone/internet/tv bill with your guys' help (no way was I having my cable getting cut off the week of new Bones), and I just got a call from the temp agency letting me know that the person I interviewed with was "very impressed" with my "professionalism" and how "articulate & detailed" my answers were. They still have more people to interview, which makes me nervous about getting my hopes up, but apparently I'm at the top of the list, so it looks good. I should hear back either tomorrow afternoon or early Wednesday morning, and if I'm hired I may be able to start next Monday, depending on their schedule.

Anyway, that's all for now as I should go get ready & what-not. I'll leave y'all with a Vid of the Day, though, in celebration of both the holiday & the return of Boooones:

Title: Leaves Got Up in a Coil and Hissed
Fandom: Bones
Author: rachg82
Rating: A light R, if even
Characters/Pairings: Brennan, Booth, Angela, Max, Russ…just about everyone (but not together -- it's not that kind of fic, pervs)
Word Count: About 7,000
Spoilers: Up through the end of the 6th season + a bit of speculation regarding stuff that's come out for season 7.
Disclaimer: This show still isn't mine, though I like to pretend otherwise.
Summary: This fic began eight months ago as a single image in my mind that just wouldn't leave: fifteen-year-old Brennan in an empty house, standing by the door. It slowly evolved from there, delving further into things I'd briefly touched on in previous fics, & ultimately becoming a short series of less-than-linear snapshots. A verbal panorama, if you will.

Note: First, there are a couple mild mentions of self-injury in this fic, so please be aware of that going in. Second, y'all know how I roll, so there are a handful of obvious quotes strewn throughout -- those will be cited at the end. We good? Good.

( What was your question? Love is the answer. )

1. Why must Livejournal keep changing the font for posting? I don't approve, sir.

2. I also don't approve of the liquid-hot mag-ma (and the sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their freakin' heads, obviously[/Dr. Evil moment]) churning throughout my stomach, nor whatever the eff it is I did to my back this week (maybe carrying heavy groceries home? Jesus, I'm getting old). It's seriously the kind of pain that makes you want to run into walls, flailing, all, "JUST KNOCK ME OUT." As an alternative to that, I've sort of just been spazzily rocking back & forth, bouncing my leg, & breathing like a Tibetan monk. Y'know, as one does. Ugh. Aleve & Pepto are not really cutting it, can I just say.

3. Somehow I have managed to apply for a handful of jobs though, plus I walked to two different temp agencies today. I have an interview for one tomorrow (they'll probably be the most promising); the second place did an interview with me already (less promising). On a bizarre note, I took a drug test while I was there, and she said it came up positive for meth. Whaaaat in the actual fuck. I was like, "Uhh, no. Not even." I had to tell her the medications I'd taken recently, which didn't even include cold meds (those could explain it, if I had), but she looked up Cymbalta & said she found info indicating it can cause a false positive. So she marked it down as negative in my file. It makes me feel nervous though for future tests. I really hope it's not the medication doing it, and that it was just an error on her part. I've never taken a urine test before where it wasn't run in a lab, so I didn't trust her process much. Also: I looked it up when I got home & didn't find anything conclusive in regards to anti-depressants & false positives, only a bunch of anecdotal stuff. Now of course I'm paranoid it's a kidney infection or something that's causing it, like, "My back *does* hurt! Dun dun DUN." Whatever, brain, God.

4. Meanwhile my stress levels are RIDIC. I don't even have five bucks to my name, and I wish I were kidding. At least I have food, but still. STILL. My phone, internet, & power are all about a hot second from getting cut off. Rent for November is…yeah. I can't even ealihgigh. Where's that wall again? I'd like to run into it now.

You guys have already helped me so much, and I certainly don't expect anyone to help now if they aren't comfortable with it/aren't able, but I'm pretty desperate at the moment, so I'm going to post the link to my PayPal account again in the hopes I can gather at least enough to pay half my rent for November & some of my bills:

5. I realized a flaw in my plan to look for a job as a nanny again -- it was my nephew I used to watch, so it'd be my sister that people might want to call when checking that out. And it's not that I think she'd be so petty as to lie & say I was bad or something; it's more so that I'd worry about the fallout later, personally. Her emails still go straight into spam, but you just never know. Plus what if she got that call & started going off to my mom or my grandma or whomever about how I haven't seen Jayden or Isabella in almost a year but now I'm gonna ~go watch other people's kids~ & what a horrible person I am & bla bla bla, and then Jayden overhears, and God, IDEK. I'm gonna talk to my counselor about it on Thursday, probably, to get her perspective. It might be too much for me to have to think about at this point, but we'll see.

6. I finished season 1 of Psych yesterday -- super enjoyable. Especially the last two episodes. I swear, when Lassie got Shawn's bike back for him, my heart grew three sizes. And? Jules with a pink headband is just about the cutest shit ever. I wanted to tackle-squish her. Ooh, AND: Shawn/Jules = smack your mama-levels of adorbs + I'm in love with Gus. I think that about covers it.

7. My fic is pretty much done. I only have a line or two left to write & then a final read-through of the whole thing, so: probably tomorrow(ish), barring the Hellmouth in my GI tract opening up & swallowing us all whole. Let the drumroll begin!

8. I'm still watching Castle to give it a shot, and I'm liking it more now, though not quite to a fangirly degree. At least not yet; sometimes it happens gradually for me. But it's keeping my interest. I was amused by last night's Halloween episode having such a similar plot to the Psych finale I'd just watched, heh. Oh, TV. With your tropes!

9. I was looking for a clip on YouTube the other day by Maria Bamford (one of my longtime favorite comedians), and while I didn't find the exact one I was looking for, I ended up finding something even better. Basically, the story behind it is that she had a nervous breakdown a few years back, leading to her moving back in with her parents ('cross country), and while she was there--recovering, getting back on her feet--she filmed a series of "shows" in her room, sort of documenting the experience for her fans. If you're familiar with her comedy, you'll immediately recognize the family members she impersonates, but these vids go deeper than that. They're frequently hilarious, as you'd expect, but also brilliant, and honestly pretty damn moving at times. She talks so candidly about her depression & anxiety, things I very much identify with, at a level that is super brave imo considering her public status. There are twenty "episodes" in all, only a few minutes each, and OMG they just made my night while watching. The final one had me in tears, TWICE. Like, I rewatched it today & cried all over again. It's funny how sometimes you come across something you SO need to see at the exact right time. That's how it felt.

Anyway, so I absolutely knew I'd want to share the links here, which I'll do below. If you only have time to watch one for now, though, at least make it this one:



( And here are the rest )

…off to go rewatch all twenty again, brb.

10. Wrapping this up, I managed to get four days behind on that song challenge meme, so I'd better get on that. ( Days 7-10 )

You know what I really hate? When you actually feel motivated to do things, but your health is all, "NO. DENIED." I have had the same unrelenting migraine since yesterday morning, albeit now on the opposite temple because my brain likes to ~mix it up~. And I mean, my head hurts every day anyway (even if not *all* day), but I'm talking about the kind that straight owns your ass, i.e. the kind I generally only get a couple times a month, fortunately (or unfortunately, I suppose, depending on your perspective. I'm personally grateful for every moment in my life that doesn't include pain). It's receded now to the point of being tolerable as long as I keep the lighting dim, stay in a quiet place, & don't move my head around much, but it's still totally interfering with what I'd LIKE to be doing, and it frustrates me. On top of that, I really need to eat something, but the last thing I want to do is cook or go to the store, plus my stomach is icky feeling anyway.

But I'm not going to complain too much, because at least my SNAP benefits finally got processed. So when I am able to walk to the store, I CAN buy food. I do have a pork chop thawing in my fridge right now, plus potatoes, so I already have a set option for one meal as it is (two if I decide to try cheesy potato tacos, though that doesn't have much protein, and I need protein when I'm fighting a migraine); however, see above, re: the last thing I want to do. Grr, argh. River was right; food is problematic.

Anyway. Enough about that. Here's some other stuff:

-As soon as I feel a bit more clearheaded, probably after I've eaten, I'm going to follow my therapist's advice & write down a list of things I need to do/am worried about/or whatever, and try to prioritize how much I can handle doing at once & when I'll try to do them, etc. Hopefully that will make it easier for me to approach things like uber-overdue bills & job searches. As it stands, I can't even hear a mention of unemployment on TV without tensing up. I may post the list here afterward, or bring it with me to my next appointment, but I haven't decided on that yet. It'd probably be a good idea if I did, though.

-Speaking of my therapist, I had another appointment with her yesterday. ( cut for rambling )

-There's an ACA retreat up in Washington next month that I'd really like to attend--like a non-summer summer camp for stunted adult children--but I'm not sure yet whether it costs anything (I'm sure it does). Wah. THEY HAVE CANOES.

-We'll wrap this up with some TV/movie talk:

( Parenthood )

-( Psych )

-I watched a couple documentaries yesterday as well. One was from Current's Top 50 list ("Tarnation"), and the other I just came across randomly while browsing the library ("Finding Normal"). Both were really interesting to watch and well-made, though I'll admit Tarnation left me sad because it touched on a lot of stuff I've been trying to work through lately in regards to my mom's history with mental illness and doctors/hospitals, while bringing up a lot of new emotions & memories too. But it was extremely evocative & something that needed to be expressed. Kind of brilliant, actually. I just couldn't help also feeling like it was somehow incomplete or unbalanced by the end, though maybe that was intentional in its own way as well. Either way, I understand why they put it on the list.

I was totally satisfied by "Finding Normal" though (more than satisfied, really. I pretty much loved it & didn't want it to end. Seriously), despite it being much less flashy & artistic; it's the kind of documentary I'd buy if I had more money, because I can see myself wanting to rewatch it every now & again. I identified with so much of it, not just on behalf of addicts I've known (it's about a treatment/housing program here in Portland & follows both new patients & their mentors -- who are also recovering addicts themselves), but on behalf of myself & the ACA traits I picked up from them. It's like 100% real talk throughout the whole thing, no bullshit. And I love that they manage to take the topic and stay realistic, destigmatize the process of having a problem & getting help, show that not everyone makes it, yet also leave you feeling uplifted by the end. It's just exactly the kind of thing I needed to see.

For those who would like to check out the trailers, voila: Tarnation and Finding Normal.

-Lastly, I got a day behind on my song challenge, so today's VotD will cover two: ( Days 3 and 4 )