You might not see me, but I'm out here too

[rachg82]

1. Why must Livejournal keep changing the font for posting? I don't approve, sir.

2. I also don't approve of the liquid-hot mag-ma (and the sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their freakin' heads, obviously[/Dr. Evil moment]) churning throughout my stomach, nor whatever the eff it is I did to my back this week (maybe carrying heavy groceries home? Jesus, I'm getting old). It's seriously the kind of pain that makes you want to run into walls, flailing, all, "JUST KNOCK ME OUT." As an alternative to that, I've sort of just been spazzily rocking back & forth, bouncing my leg, & breathing like a Tibetan monk. Y'know, as one does. Ugh. Aleve & Pepto are not really cutting it, can I just say.

3. Somehow I have managed to apply for a handful of jobs though, plus I walked to two different temp agencies today. I have an interview for one tomorrow (they'll probably be the most promising); the second place did an interview with me already (less promising). On a bizarre note, I took a drug test while I was there, and she said it came up positive for meth. Whaaaat in the actual fuck. I was like, "Uhh, no. Not even." I had to tell her the medications I'd taken recently, which didn't even include cold meds (those could explain it, if I had), but she looked up Cymbalta & said she found info indicating it can cause a false positive. So she marked it down as negative in my file. It makes me feel nervous though for future tests. I really hope it's not the medication doing it, and that it was just an error on her part. I've never taken a urine test before where it wasn't run in a lab, so I didn't trust her process much. Also: I looked it up when I got home & didn't find anything conclusive in regards to anti-depressants & false positives, only a bunch of anecdotal stuff. Now of course I'm paranoid it's a kidney infection or something that's causing it, like, "My back *does* hurt! Dun dun DUN." Whatever, brain, God.

4. Meanwhile my stress levels are RIDIC. I don't even have five bucks to my name, and I wish I were kidding. At least I have food, but still. STILL. My phone, internet, & power are all about a hot second from getting cut off. Rent for November is…yeah. I can't even ealihgigh. Where's that wall again? I'd like to run into it now.

You guys have already helped me so much, and I certainly don't expect anyone to help now if they aren't comfortable with it/aren't able, but I'm pretty desperate at the moment, so I'm going to post the link to my PayPal account again in the hopes I can gather at least enough to pay half my rent for November & some of my bills:

5. I realized a flaw in my plan to look for a job as a nanny again -- it was my nephew I used to watch, so it'd be my sister that people might want to call when checking that out. And it's not that I think she'd be so petty as to lie & say I was bad or something; it's more so that I'd worry about the fallout later, personally. Her emails still go straight into spam, but you just never know. Plus what if she got that call & started going off to my mom or my grandma or whomever about how I haven't seen Jayden or Isabella in almost a year but now I'm gonna ~go watch other people's kids~ & what a horrible person I am & bla bla bla, and then Jayden overhears, and God, IDEK. I'm gonna talk to my counselor about it on Thursday, probably, to get her perspective. It might be too much for me to have to think about at this point, but we'll see.

6. I finished season 1 of Psych yesterday -- super enjoyable. Especially the last two episodes. I swear, when Lassie got Shawn's bike back for him, my heart grew three sizes. And? Jules with a pink headband is just about the cutest shit ever. I wanted to tackle-squish her. Ooh, AND: Shawn/Jules = smack your mama-levels of adorbs + I'm in love with Gus. I think that about covers it.

7. My fic is pretty much done. I only have a line or two left to write & then a final read-through of the whole thing, so: probably tomorrow(ish), barring the Hellmouth in my GI tract opening up & swallowing us all whole. Let the drumroll begin!

8. I'm still watching Castle to give it a shot, and I'm liking it more now, though not quite to a fangirly degree. At least not yet; sometimes it happens gradually for me. But it's keeping my interest. I was amused by last night's Halloween episode having such a similar plot to the Psych finale I'd just watched, heh. Oh, TV. With your tropes!

9. I was looking for a clip on YouTube the other day by Maria Bamford (one of my longtime favorite comedians), and while I didn't find the exact one I was looking for, I ended up finding something even better. Basically, the story behind it is that she had a nervous breakdown a few years back, leading to her moving back in with her parents ('cross country), and while she was there--recovering, getting back on her feet--she filmed a series of "shows" in her room, sort of documenting the experience for her fans. If you're familiar with her comedy, you'll immediately recognize the family members she impersonates, but these vids go deeper than that. They're frequently hilarious, as you'd expect, but also brilliant, and honestly pretty damn moving at times. She talks so candidly about her depression & anxiety, things I very much identify with, at a level that is super brave imo considering her public status. There are twenty "episodes" in all, only a few minutes each, and OMG they just made my night while watching. The final one had me in tears, TWICE. Like, I rewatched it today & cried all over again. It's funny how sometimes you come across something you SO need to see at the exact right time. That's how it felt.

Anyway, so I absolutely knew I'd want to share the links here, which I'll do below. If you only have time to watch one for now, though, at least make it this one:

-Episode 1: Dropout

-Episode 2: Maria Gets a Job

-Episode 3: Kicked Out

-Episode 4: Search For Meaning

-Episode 5: Ready For Love

-Episode 6: Mother's Day

-Episode 7: Show Time

-Episode 8: Crevasse

-Episode 9: Bread

-Episode 10: Dark (note: this is the vid I embedded above)

-Episode 11: Will

-Episode 12: Faith

-Episode 13: Oh - CD

-Episode 14: Death and Happiness

-Episode 15: Boredom

-Episode 16: Acting Out

-Episode 17: Horror

-Episode 18: Moving

-Episode 19: Replacement

-Episode 20: Exit.

…off to go rewatch all twenty again, brb.

10. Wrapping this up, I managed to get four days behind on that song challenge meme, so I'd better get on that.

day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event

("Rock 'n Roll High School," The Ramones)

This was sort of my high school's unofficial anthem, and it was played over the loudspeakers as my classmates and I walked down the aisle during graduation. ~Memories~

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to

("American Pie," Don McLean)

I know all the words to most songs I like, so this was a random choice. But it's one of my all-time favorites, in regards to lyrics, so I figured it was appropriate.

day 09 - a song that you can dance to

("Sound of Kuduro," Buraka Som Sistema)

This would be a perfect late-night club song. Not that I go to clubs (not since I was a teenager, oy), but that's not the point. Heh.

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep

("Luna," Smashing Pumpkins)

This song doesn't make me fall asleep, but it'd often be the last song I'd listen to at night when I was twelve (I'd lay in bed with my discman on), along with Anchor by Bjork, and so I still associate it with falling asleep. There are quite a few songs I listen to these days if I'm struggling to sleep, largely instrumental, but not always.

Comments

[gina227.livejournal.com]

Are you sure it's not the Aleve that's making your stomach wonky? I know you already have stomach issues, but that might be contributing to it.

I wish I could help you financially, but I have literally -are you ready for this?- SEVEN CENTS in both my checking and savings accounts combined. I just spent the morning debating whether Robert needs milk money more than clean clothes. Because, for some fucking weird reason, even though he qualifies for free lunch that includes milk, he has to pay for milk if that's all he gets. Since he refuses to eat school lunch (can't say I blame him much) I have to shell out 50 cents a day for it.

How far along have you made it on Castle? It does tend to creep up on you.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I don't normally take Aleve & didn't start in this case until after my stomach & back had already been hurting for days. That being said, you're correct; NSAIDS can bother the stomach (so can aspirin). It sucks though, because tylenol doesn't always get the job done for me when it comes to that type of pain.

You don't need to explain. I know you're struggling too.

I'm still just watching the current season.

[gina227.livejournal.com]

I'm not trying to explain, really. I know you know I'm in a tough spot too, and I know you don't expect anything. It's more just commiseration. I just wish I was in the position to help (not just you, but other people too) because I actually WOULD. Unlike the dipshits I know who have far more than they need and can't be bothered with anyone else's problems.

Tylenol doesn't always do it for me, either. But I can tolerate ibuprofen or aspirin most of the time, thank God.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Thanks, bb. Your emotional support is still helpful as well. ♥

It's funny, because I can normally tolerate NSAIDS too, but sometimes my stomach is just a douchebag. When it's acting up, it doesn't like ANYTHING.

[bsg-stardust.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about your stomach. I'm having similar stomach problems as well at the moment, so I know how much it sucks. :-(

& I'm sorry to hear about your cash problems. I wish I could help, but I can't, not at the moment anyway. :-(

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

That's okay, bb. I don't expect anyone to explain their reason if they don't help. I don't want to make anyone feel bad.

[nomnivore.livejournal.com]

Go you for applying for jobs! I hope you can use your sister as a reference if you really want to Nanny.

I hope your stomach stops hurting.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon'.

[dosidella.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about your stomach (and back). Ugh. I'm glad you were able to apply for some jobs, and I really hope something works out for you.

I have $37 in my PayPal. I have to wait until Kev gets home to find out if it's earmarked for anything, but if not, I'll try to send that tonight, and then figure out how much more we can do.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

The temp agency I interviewed with today has a position they think I'd be good for, but it's tentative until tomorrow. I should know more then, but I'm hoping it works out (and that it pays well, etc).

Speaking of money, I got your donation, & THANK YOU. So much. Does your previous suggestion of me asking your brother for a loan (as a last resort) still stand? With the money you gave, I'll be able to cover bus tickets & odds & ends like that (which is a huge deal right now, so again: thank you, dude), but both Frontier & PGE are breathing down my neck, all, "We're gonna cut your shit off, yo" as of like 10/31, plus I need to be able to pay at least half my rent, so if he can help me, that'd be amazing. I'd obviously start paying him off as soon as I could, once the paychecks started coming in.

[dosidella.livejournal.com]

How did it go? I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Like I said, we should be able to do $50 more this weekend. How much do you need? I can definitely talk to Ryan (or give you his contact info if you'd rather talk to him yourself, but I'm guessing not). I know he ended up having to pay some of his medical bills out of pocket, and he's in the middle of 6 weeks off work (he's fine, but he's not allowed to lift things etc., so he's pretty much useless to them), which is either unpaid or like 50% of his usual income. Which doesn't mean he won't be able to help, but I just don't know how much he could come up with in the next few days.

Let me know how much you need, though, and I will try to figure it out -- if we can spare more than 50, how much he can do, and I can most likely borrow from other people if necessary.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I have another interview tomorrow, which should determine whether I actually get the position. I should probably be feeling good about it, I know, but right now I just feel flustered & nervous. I'm trying to think positive though.

I haven't added up an amount yet, but I can do that & get back to you soon. Depending on whether I get the job tomorrow, and whether they pay weekly, that should influence my answer quite a bit.

[sumpta.livejournal.com]

I hope something turns up with the job applications, even a temp gig or something that can help with some bills. Is rent assistance an option for November? Anyhow, I'm getting my pay check in a few days, I'll have a look what I can spare.

Ha, I know what to put on my "to watch" list for next week (I have the week off): Maria Bamford. I loved that "the world explained" vid of her you linked to a while ago.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Rent assistance might be an option, but it's not something I can rely on for sure. My apartments don't hand eviction notices out to people until they're five days past due, and they don't even consider you "past-due" until after the 5th (i.e. you get your eviction notice after the 10th, generally on the morning of the 11th). Meanwhile you can't call for assistance until you get said notice, yet most places hand them out on the 8th of the month. And then everyone calls at once, & they run out of money in 0.5 seconds. That being said, if I have no other options as of the 1st (when rent is officially due), I'll ask my manager if she can issue me an eviction notice on the morning of the 8th, that way I can call the assistance # asap & hope for the best.

At least I might have a job though, based on the interview I had today. I won't know for sure until tomorrow, but I'm crossing my fingers. It won't help right away, especially if they don't pay weekly (gah, I hope they do), but it'll help soon.

I loved that "the world explained" vid of her you linked to a while ago.

Isn't she the best? I appreciate her so much more now after watching these vids, too. I feel like I ~know~ her now, heh.

[sumpta.livejournal.com]

Ah, I didn't think. I thought you'd already have the notice from last month, but since you did end up being able to pay, you'd have to get a new one then, right? Well crap. I hope the job comes through, that'd definitely be a far better answer.

I'm still weirded out by the nature of that rental assistance organization, btw. A private organization taking care of rental assistance, even if it's subsidized by the state, boggles my mind. I'm not saying that all's well here either, seeing how we're crumbling apart and facing a bitter crisis, but still. Charity =/= social security and first come, first serve =/= policy. I'm not criticizing the organization, though, I'm sure they're doing what they can.

My pay day should be tomorrow btw, so I might get something through before the 31st, depending on how fast Paypal processes the conversion.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I know. It's completely screwed up, and I wish I could just MAKE my country understand why. I mean, many of us do--it's a pretty divided nation these days--but I'm talking those who don't. The "safety net" has, like, as many holes as a block of swiss cheese.

And thank you so much, again, for all your help. *hugs you*

[sumpta.livejournal.com]

You're very, very welcome *hugs back*. I just sent through an amount (the same as the previous one), I hope it gets through to you quickly and that it'll chip away a bit at your debts. In the mean time, I hope the interview went well!

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

It should take about 3-4 business days (5 at the max), and it'll help a lot. I'm so grateful for you guys.

I don't have my interview for another two hours, but thank you in advance! I've been panicky nervous & sick since last night, but I just took a long bath, am brewing some tea, and am doing my best to calm my brain down.