rachg82

I know it was totally a fiscal no-no, but I just spent almost twenty dollars (tip included) on a GF pizza & Cherry Coke from Bellagio's. I'm not even supposed to have Coke, because of the corn syrup. But, seriously, can't I just chalk it up to an early Christmas present for myself? 'Cause this shit is really good. Like, it makes me want to do my Happy Food Dance & everything. The only other time I've broken that out in the past year was probably over the Mike & Ike candies my nephew gave me the other night. Heh. And then I invented a ~Sugar Train~ & started chugging my way around the living room, all, "Sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar, choo choo!" Because I'm secretly five years old.

Oh, hey, speaking of -- guess who has new pictures of her cute-ass niece & nephew? ( That'd be me )

As for how it went, hanging with them throughout the weekend, it was nice. I didn't feel pushed into watching them or anything--the first day was my idea, and the second day was Jayden's--and my sister washed my comforter for me (which is difficult to fit into the washers here at my apartments) & paid for dinner on Saturday (in turn, I made the kids lunch & smoothies the next day), so overall there was a reciprocal balance.

And while I'm sure there's some unwritten rule out there about schadenfreude-laced anecdotes & people who've just had a heart attack, I can't help but pass this one along (courtesy of my nephew): apparently my mom came to watch Isabella do gymnastics a while back, and right in the middle of it pulled a giant wooden spoon *out of her purse* and began using it to scratch her back--like I'm saying she'd specifically put it there for ~back-scratching purposes on the go~--then proceeded to pull her shirt up, right there in public, & ask Jayden if he could itch it for her too. Bear in mind, while telling me this story he had to keep catching his breath between giggles, and was all WTF-wide-eyed, like, "I THINK PEOPLE WERE WATCHING. IT WAS REALLY WEIRD! SHE HAD IT IN HER PURSE!" Haha. Story of my childhood, kid. Meanwhile my sister was laughing so hard over this that she was crying, and I wasn't far behind. It's just so HER.

Moving on, I've decided to split my responses to that meme I started into multiple entries, since I'm going ahead with the "three vids per fandom" dealio as well, and I don't want to overload people. We'll do two shows per entry--three episodes & three vids for each--and good times will be had by all. Woo woo.

( First up, Bones & Battlestar Galactica )

I hate when I fall behind here. Can't I just get paid to sit & write LJ entries all day? I mean, I'm just saying -- two birds with one stone & all. Plus, I'd totally be willing.

Every time I go a few days between updates, I end up all, "TOO MANY THINGS!", and as a result struggle to write anything. So, to make it easier on myself today, I'm just going to wrap up some memes & leave RL-related matters for next time. At which point there'll surely be even more things (the beginning of this week was rough, admittedly. I'm pretty exhausted right now, both emotionally & physically. P.S. this job involves WAY more moving of the body than I anticipated. My muscles, they are le sore), but nevermind that. At least I'm posting.

First up, a meme from lytab5:

Comment to this post with "Five Me" and I will list five things I associate with you. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your LJ (or just add a reply back to me). Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

( Here are the five things I was given )

And, finally, let's finish that 30 song challenge, shall we?

( Days 27 - 30 )

Ugh, worst part about being on my period? Even worse, perhaps, than the uptick in depression, irritability, and anxiety? The increase in my freaking "Good morning! Not! Muahaha" migraines, that's what. I HATE HORMONES.

Anyway, I'm tired of lying down with an icepack, so I'm in one of those "Y'know what, pain? I can't even hear you. La la la"-moods, trying to distract & detach. Ergo, spam for you lot. Enjoy.

First, another meme (P.S. I plan to answer your questions from yesterday's meme soon, promise):

Lyric Meme

Give me a character or a ship and I will give you a lyric (or a few) that reminds me of them.

And now for rambling:

1. Let me get this straight, this guy gets the death penalty amidst all the controversy (eyewitness testimony? Really, people? Do I need to point out the studies indicating how effing unreliable that shit is?), while these cruel bastards get 4-15 yrs? It's certainly not news to me, but it just sucks to be reminded how frakked the justice system in this country really is, not to mention the safety net for mentally ill/homeless people. My schizophrenic uncle's just lucky to have been in halfway homes & on proper medication for so much of his life, including the medication he takes now to deal with all the side effects from the shock therapy he received back in the day.

I like the comment too from the person who was all, "His dad ~let~ him be homeless and now wants to sue the police?" Yes, because A. his son's life ceased to matter after becoming homeless, apparently, and B. it's super easy to control a mentally ill adult, force them to live where you want, force them to stay on the right medication--or even have good access to it--and get them the help they need after most of the old hospitals got shut down & shelters/ERs across the nation became understaffed & overloaded (I still remember talking to ER nurses & listening to them vent about the system while my mom slept there on a gurney for days, waiting for a single bed to open up in the psych ward). I'd like to invite that guy to actually be related to a seriously unstable individual for a decade or two & then get back to me on that. God. Someday I will learn to stop reading Yahoo comments, but apparently that's still a work in progress.

2. I have several ignorant cooking questions to ask. ( Fortunately, I have you all to answer them (lookin' at you, especially, Jas) )

3. I haven't talked about Parenthood yet, so I should probably rectify that: ( cut for spoilers )

4. I watched "When We Were Kings" this week. It had a lot of clips I'd already seen (my dad had a vid of the entire Rumble in the Jungle match when I was younger, which included various bits of news footage from those years. I watched it with him once), but there was stuff I'd never seen too, and it was very entertaining overall. I'd listen to Ali talk all day. We're gonna get it on because we don't get along! Haha. Love him.

5. Facebook continues to be the devil. What's worse than obligatory friendships with people who really aren't your friends anymore? Seeing them talk to each other like BFFs & not include you. It's my fault though. For one, this is why I hide them (then occasionally look on their wall anyway, like some kind of masochist. It's like the Yahoo comments thing), and for two, it's not really obligatory to keep them as "friends" at all. It's just hard to defriend. You know people make such a big deal out of it, will probably tell the others, "Oh, you know, Rachael actually defriended me this week" (cue: "What's with her?" bla bla bla gossip), despite the fact that for all intents & purposes they haven't BEEN my friends for a good year now. It's just so annoying.

6. The guy I talked to at unemployment yesterday said his records showed that I called on the 13th, so the form's deadline shouldn't be an issue. Of course he also kept being like, "They'll honor the date of the postmark, don't worry" and was obviously not paying attention to my question. But I broke it down for him AGAIN, and was like, "The form is going to be postmarked LATE. L-a-t-e, late. But it also said I could call, which I did. And you show that, correct? Which means I'm okay?" And he said yes. So…I guess it's okay. I didn't really trust him though. We'll see. Either way, it still leaves the problem open-ended because I don't know if they'll reopen my claim, but I at least don't want it to be denied because of a postmark date of all things.

BTW, I wasn't really that rude to him, heh. But I'm feeling venty today, so just go with it.

7. I have a phone appointment with the SNAP people this Friday to determine my eligibility for food assistance & state health care. Fingers crossed, folks.

8. My first appointment with Luke Dorf is Monday. The intake lady told me that the crisis team already gave me a preliminary diagnosis of major depression, which didn't surprise me (I've been diagnosed with it before + Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Social Anxiety Disorder). It sounds like I'll be getting a full assessment next week though. The one I got with the psychiatrist wasn't one of those "let's diagnose you" deals, more so a medication check up with a short series of questions. The person I'll be seeing is only listed as a QMHP, though, I think, so I don't know what level of experience to expect or how relevant it'll be to my situation. But I hope it works out.

9. As for a RL update on how I'm doing, the last few days have been somewhat hard, emotionally. Not just for the financial stuff, but thoughts & dreams of family, friends, loneliness, etc. But it is helpful to know I'll be talking to someone soon. I did take a walk yesterday as well, for the first time in a while, which was nice. Sometimes it makes me sad now to be in nature, because I used to spend so much time outdoors with my nephew (we'd go for what we called "expeditions" and what-not, make it into a whole big thing, wandering in the forest, looking for bugs & animals, stuff like that), but it's still soothing to me, and brings my spirits up when I pass by toddlers driving their parents crazy with non-stop questions & the like. Heh. "Why is the dog sniffing that?" "Because that's what dogs like to do." "Why do they like to do that? Moo-oom? Why? Why do they like to sniff? Why--" "Because they just do." "Where'd the sky go? Where's the river?" "We can't see it because of the trees. It'll be back." "When?" Seriously, non-stop, this little girl was. I had to fight myself not to laugh.

10. For my Vid of the Day, here's some more purty music:

1. What a way to spend my last day before starting a new job -- getting my ass thoroughly kicked by an all-day migraine. I guess that's my body's way of showing me who's boss? (And here I thought it was Tony Danza.)

It's not surprising, what with the heat + being at the tail-end of my period, but it's still disconcerting. I had to just acknowledge to myself this afternoon that I'm not fully in control, y'know? I can't just *will* my body to be healthy & functional all the time, even if I try my damnedest to help it along. As much as it would suck, there's a chance I could lose another job due to this, and that'd just be how it goes. I'd simply have to deal with it. Hopefully that DOESN'T happen, but bottom line is that it could. And it's very stressful. As it is, all my plans today were totally thrown off. Nothing got accomplished. No laundry, no walk to the store, nothing. And it's okay, because I can work around that (I mean, I can find something decent to wear tomorrow, I have enough to eat for breakfast & lunch, etc), but I'm still in kind of a lousy mood as a result. I think I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow as well, which doesn't help. Not massively so or anything, at least not in comparison to the panic-attackstravaganzas that I used to go through with new jobs/anything people-related, but enough to be noteworthy. I really want a new start, and, just for once, to have that new start go smoothly.

2. I mentioned yesterday that my niece's birthday is coming up (on the 30th), and I feel like it's probably something I should talk about, and need to talk about, but it's hard. I'll admit that I had a good cry over it yesterday. Beyond that, trying to put my emotions regarding family right now into words (especially, re: my niece & nephew) is like trying to pour an ocean into a tiny paper cup. There's just too much there. Though I suppose saying that is in its own way at least articulating something. But I think you guys know what I mean.

3. I worked on my fic a lot yesterday, and a tiny bit today (when I wasn't bed-bound from pain), but only managed to add the equivalent of a drabble, basically. I'm still gonna pat myself on the back for that, though. Every little bit counts, and I am starting to like (read: accept) what the whole thing is turning into, finally.

4. I finished season 4 of Friday Night Lights this morning. As always, I have thoughts: ( cut for spoilers )

5. I checked two more docs off the list this week -- "Paris is Burning" and "Bus 174." Both can be watched on YouTube (here and here). Paris is Burning is one of those films that makes you grateful someone turned on the camera when they did, because it captured such an important (yet often overlooked) part of recent American history, especially if you're lgbtq. I'm really glad I didn't miss it.

As for Bus 174, it's one that'll stay with you. Just so sad. But it does a great job of not only telling the story of what happened that day, but also the hijacker's life leading up to that point.

For my Vid of the Day, I've got to swipe a rec from trust_your_hart. This one (by TheDreamhunter72) is just brill, especially the ending.

It's been a couple days since I updated, so I feel like I should, but I'm having one of those issues where I can't think of what to write & everything I CAN think of sounds boring. So I end up just sitting & staring at the computer screen all "BLAH" like a human question mark. "Entry! Why won't you write yourself? Be a team player!" I hate that.

Anyway, I'll just ramble for a minute & we can all pretend it's interesting.

-I had a really bad migraine the night before last, and as a result I've slept more than I've been awake the last two days. I still don't feel quite "over it" yet--my limbs feel heavy, my stomach is frakked, it's hard to read things, when I went to the store yesterday I had difficulty talking (words came out wrong/stilted), etc. Immediately afterward, I felt simultaneously exhausted & yet extremely relaxed/almost good (migraine euphoria, in other words), but then (and now) I just came back to feeling out of it & vaguely depressed yet not. I'm used to all of it, but it's strange, especially because I don't always experience the postdrome phase so severely. It really depends on how bad the migraine itself is, usually (in this case, it was pretty bad). It's good to know there's a reason for all of it though. I find it comforting when I can understand what's going on with my body. It's kind of interesting, almost. The brain is an odd thing.

-During the few hours I was awake yesterday, I watched a couple episodes of some ghost show on cable (I always end up watching the most random crap when sick, I swear). It was your usual fare of sillyness--every ghost in the world apparently wears white dresses circa the Victorian era--but I heard a quote from one of the women that I liked: "God's delay doesn't necessarily mean God's denial." She said her dead father appeared to her & said that, which--whatever, who knows--but I don't think it matters whether it's true or even whether you believe in God. It's still a nice concept.

-Speaking of things I've heard lately that I liked, here's a few more:

"You make your choices and you live with them, and in the end you are those choices."-BSG

"Sometimes we have to leave people behind so that we can go on--so that we can continue to fight."-BSG

"Success is not a goal. It's a byproduct."-Friday Night Lights

"A friend once said, and I found to be true, that everyday people--they lie to God too--so what makes you think that they won't lie to you?"-Lauryn Hill

The last one is a line from a song, and I've of course heard it before, but it had been a while. I've been talking with jasminelily about some of the things my mom said to me in those emails, and the likelihood that she was lying about what my nephew said, so that lyric resonated with me.

-Parks & Rec this week was freaking hilarious. "I'm gonna make out with him. On his face." HA. Also: everyone drunk. BEST EVER.

-Community doesn't know how to be anything but awesome, I don't think. ABED WAS HAN SOLO, Y'ALL. HE MADE OUT WITH ANNIE & THEN WAS JUST LIKE, "COOL", AND WALKED OFF. Hahaha.

-I continue to enjoy Friday Night Lights. If I had Netflix, I'd stream it from the beginning, but I prefer living in the 20th century so I don't. Okay, so that's a joke, but it's not far off from the truth. Heh. I do want to rent the first season though. I suspect I will over the summer. There's a few other shows I plan to check out, too, most likely. Probably Farscape, Castle, and maybe Dr. Who. Maybe. I've seen a couple episodes & really didn't get sucked in, but I know a lot of people who are into it, so I'm open.

-Lastly, I'm still slowly but surely working on my fic, though this one has been giving me a hard time. I talked about it with keenai the other day though, ( which I'll include here, 'cause that's how I roll )

For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna get my convert-powerz on. It's come to my attention that some of you are still not watching Community. This simply won't do. Hence, I shall provide clips to help make it right. You're welcome.

Yep, you read that right--1,000 posts. THEM'S A WHOLE LOTTA WORDS, CHICAS.

(Psst: note the Rocky theme song as my current music selection. Heh. *runs heroically up flight of stairs*)

Obviously, I couldn't let this ~momentous event~ pass by without some kind of tribute. I mean, seriously, if you stretched my entries out one per year, you'd have a millennium of Rachified Rambling. WHAT THE.

Thankfully, I have my Year in Review posts & lots o' tags for lots o' subjects, so taking y'all on a journey down Memory Lane is as simple as pie. (Though, can I just say, pie? Is not simple. WTF, cooking cliches. It should be updated to "simple as ordering a pizza." THAT'S simple. Plus, pizza can also technically be called a pie. HA, relevant.)

Anyway. I thought about how to organize this, and I decided that I wanted it to be something celebratory & fun; the sort of thing I could look back at later for cheering up when needed (similar to my Year in Review posts, but focusing solely on positive things). So, I gathered together a mess of smile-inducing pictures & quotes & other random nonsense from the last 8.5 years and smooshed it all together into one cray cray sentimental entry. It's exactly the type of time-suck project I needed last night, and I hope the rest of you will enjoy it too.

P.S. This misty water-colored event is dedicated to all of you on my flist, most especially: dosidella, keenai, sonneta, nomnivore, jasminelily, auroura76, maryng, and all the rest of the original Meta/TWoP crowd. Y'all have been with me from the *start*, and I KNOW you're a huge part of why I'm still here. And I do mean that literally. I am so grateful for all of you.

Aiiight, but enough of all that, and let's get down to it.

( Like the corners of my mind: 1,000 side effects of verbosity. Damn, this bitch can write )

I don't even want to know how long this will look, considering all the pictures. Heh. *covers eyes & hits "post"*

For my Vid of the Day, let's keep with the theme:

Such an evil subject heading, ha. Between it & the VotD I plan on posting? Gah. TEARS. I can hardly even look at my icon, heh. ADAMA & ROSLIN ARE TAKING OVER MY BRAIN AGAIN. Big-time.

Anyhoo. I feel like wasting some time; who's with me?

( Meme that everyone & their grandma is doing )

…I can't believe how long that took.

Before I go, a few more things:

-My BSG rewatch is up to "Epiphanies." Tyrol is awesome; Boomer breaks my heart; Baltar is hilarious, & his connection to Head Six is fascinating (I could ramble forever about her. I might in my next entry); Tigh is awesomesauce (MARTIAL LAW, Y'ALL. THE SLOW-MO EXIT); Bear McCreary needs to bear my children; Starbuck is a bad-ass, and Helo is the best BFF evah; Leemo is cute; Adama is a carebear, & I want to effing squish him; Laura-"That's *Madam President*, Gaius"-Roslin is a motherfrakking HBIC, and her relationship with Adama makes me like this: ealihgoiahopihaoggh.

P.S. PEGASUS. I've already talked in-depth about why I love this arc so much.<--flaily review o' pensive worship.

-I have three songs/vid ideas to share:

For Adama/Roslin: Day Too Soon, Sia.

For Booth/Brennan: Sway (The Perishers) or Three Wishes (The Pierces).

I have more on the way, but I'll save them for later.

Lastly, here's the evil Vid of the Day I mentioned above (by Sczep84). Must. hold. back. weepy fangirl tears. I can't help it! Her story is so deeply touching & human. I love all of it.

1. I had a dream last night wherein I was both watching & simultaneously present within what *apparently* was supposed to be an episode of Glee (WTF), and all the characters--none of whom of course looked anything like the people on the show--got together to sing Feelings by Floetry to apologize to a girl in their group for hurting her wittle teenaged feelings or some crap. One even broke out with the spoken word poetry, much to my horror, while they all stood there in a cheesy semi-circle, wearing headbands & looking earnest. And in the dream I was all, "NO NO NO! GLEE CANNOT SING FLOETRY! NOT THIS DAY!" Haha. I was so annoyed.

2. Hey, did you guys know it's Thursday? Wanna know something else? IT'S BONES DAY. I cannot WAIT for tonight's episode, oh my God. It looks so good.

3. Sometime either today, tomorrow, or in the next few days, I have to give in & call the unemployment people about requesting an extension for my benefits. I don't want to do it. I have to do it. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

4. I'm really into capslock this week. Don't know if you guys have noticed.[/sarcastic] Heh.

5. I had a terrible migraine last night, so I'm already feeling nervous about the "going off Topiramate" thing (i.e. the preventative-migraine meds). I'm down to one pill per day now (I was taking three--I've been tapering off the dose). Then again, it was at the end of my period, and I'd woken up from a long nap + hadn't eaten enough, and yeah. I don't know. I don't really have good choices here. All I can say to myself is that, when I get a job again, I'll find a new doctor & reassess my options. Like I said before, I can always go back on it in the future (if that seems to be the right decision), but in the meantime, I was becoming concerned that the side effects were worsening my eating issues/depression/energy levels. Plus, it's that much more money to spend every month, and the refills will soon be out--hence what started the whole thing.

I guess we'll just see. It's not even that, oh, I can't deal with being in pain, y'know? Clearly, I can. But it's a lot easier when you're unemployed. The problem is that I can't stay unemployed forever and, when you have a job, *that's* when getting the really severe migraines become an Issue<--intentionally capitalized.

But at least over the last year I did make efforts to reduce the stress in my life--if you think about it. That's one of the things my doctor told me to do, when it came to helping the migraines in the long-term. Stepping away from my family IS part of that. If I can get a job, begin sleeping & eating consistently again (i.e. regular/predictable times & amounts), start exercising again, those things will probably also help. And, again, this is something that can be reassessed later. I don't need to ~figure it all out~ right now & obsess, even though that's what my mind always wants to do.

6. On a positive note, I created tags for my Year/Decade in Review posts (I enjoy being organized), and while I was at it I took some time reading excerpts of entries from this month over the years, i.e. March in '02 & March in '03 and so on. It's an interesting way to get perspective on yourself, especially when you're in one of those "I've accomplished nothing & have no chance of getting anywhere!" shame-spirals (truth is, I *have* progressed. I'm better at understanding/acknowledging what it is I'm feeling now; I'm better at standing up for what I need; I'm better at trying new things--like writing fanfic, for instance; it's something I didn't think I'd ever have the nerve to do--etc. I'd say I'm more in touch with myself in general, which is certainly an accomplishment. It's just hard to see sometimes, understandably).

Anyway, I was thinking it'd make for a good meme in case anyone else wanted to swipe it for their lj: take whatever today's date is--in this case, 3/17--and choose an excerpt(s) from an entry posted on that day (or another day that's close, if there's nothing applicable) for each year that you've had your journal. Post the quotes together all in one entry & ~voila~. Instant self-reflection. ( Here, I'll even go first (possible trigger warning for some of it, as a heads-up) )

7. Speaking of shame-spirals & feeling like a failure, I got to talking with Jen about that yesterday ( along with the random GLUTEN-hatefest the whole world seems to be in on lately )

8. My BSG rewatch continues. Yesterday, I watched "You Can't Go Home Again," "Litmus," "Six Degrees of Separation," & "Flesh and Bone." Two things: One--"Six Degrees of Separation" cracks me up every single time (No more Mr. Nice Gaius!), and two--"Flesh and Bone" is awesome. AWESOME. "To know the face of God is to know madness." And everything he says to Kara about her childhood? Ahh, so good. The whole thing. Wanna roll around in it.

9. This entry's already pretty long, but I'm sitting on good music & feel like sharing some of it. ( 3 songs I'm listening to today )

10. And, finally, for my Vid of the Day, here's what I kept thinking of all throughout my rewatch of "You Can't Go Home Again." I still wish Gary the Cylon were a real show, haha. "Get ready to do your stand-up routine in Hell."

Oh, sweet baby Jesus. This is exactly what I needed to make waking up halfway through the night (figures--now that there's nothing to do) worth it.

( Musical meltdown o' ecstasy in t-minus 10, 9, 8, 7… )