rachg82

I don't think I've mentioned this here yet, but dosidella recently linked me to this site, which allows you to play old-school games like Dr. Mario & Donkey Kong online legally for free (no downloading required). I figured more than a few of you would be interested. So!

In other news:

-Rizzoli & Isles continues to be the gayest thing to ever happen to me. I'm saying. Gayer than my on-again, off-again WTFship with Amy. Gayer than RuPaul's Drag Race on Logo. Gayer than Ms. Jay teaching you how to smize. Gayer than all six seasons of The L Word, including that time Dana took a hit of acid and danced around on stage with Tegan & Sara. ( Okay, maybe not THAT gay, but pretty effing gay nonetheless )

-I don't have anything to say about Psych, Community, or Parks & Rec this week except to give all-around gold stars.

-Revenge is the crackiest shit that ever cracked.

-I'm still watching Castle, and I enjoyed it this week, though it made me wrack my brain trying to remember the name of the XF fic I read way back when which started out basically the same way. Oh, interwebz.

-( Bones )

-I was thinking it'd be fun to do a poll here asking people to choose which three eps they'd use to introduce a newb to the fandom(s) of their choice, but then it was like -- um, I don't know what shows you'd pick or how much room you'd need for your answers. And then of course I could pick the shows, which is what I'm about to do, but creating a real, actual poll for that kind of dealio sounds like a lot of work. And see my mood icon? Right.

So, instead, here's a list of shows (I'm limiting myself to ten). You can share your answers in the comments (and feel free to add new fandoms of your own):

-Bones
-X Files
-Battlestar Galactica
-Buffy
-Angel
-Gilmore Girls
-My So-Called Life
-Community
-Parks & Rec
-Psych

I'll share my choices in my next entry, obviously.

In RL news:

-I made home-made GF mac & cheese tonight, and it was pretty dang good. If you'd handed it to me without telling me it was GF, I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference.

-Similarly, the GF rigatoni I had with B earlier this week tasted great as well. This is a big hoo-ray thing for me, because up until now I hadn't been able to find any good rice-based noodles, and it was very tragic.

-Aside from the cooking, I've been super lacking in motivation this week. One of those ~I don't want to do anything, say anything, move my body, or think~ situations. Where it's all you can do to get your dishes done, drag yourself to the store, etc. Like, writing this entry is an accomplishment. I missed my appointment with my psych today (though I'm still seeing my counselor tomorrow), spent a lot of time in bed for no reason, took forever to do anything or go anywhere, and yeah. I just feel stressed, I guess. And it's adding to the depression, so that sucks. I think I'm nervous about talking to my sister as well, especially after I reread the email she sent me (from when our uncle died) while I was working on my Year in Review post this week. It's like -- how much could she have changed in five or six months? And what caused her to change? How do I know she doesn't still feel that way underneath it all? How do I know it's not LIKELY she'll say that kind of stuff to me again soon? I'm going to talk to my counselor about it tomorrow, but in the meantime it's weighing on me.

And I think that's it. For my Vid of the Day, here's a lighthearted one by TaraGel:

Bones reactions ahoy!

(spoilers for the finale, obvs)



P.S. For my Vid of the Day, allow me to show a little love to Julie Goldman (i.e. the Julie I mentioned above):

ETA: Ughhh, the slightly sick feeling I had when I left this voice post? Has now (at five in the morning) turned into a barfatorium/cha cha cha two-for-one-special situation. Aaand my nose is running. I DO NOT APPROVE, IMMUNE SYSTEM. PICK ONE TYPE OF SICKNESS, YOU A-HOLE. YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE & EAT IT TOO.

(Psst, dosidella, if you're reading this: I bet this is due to all that GLUTEN![/loves beating a dead horse])

1. More photo meme funtimes, ahoy! Here's torigates' request: "I'd like to see your kitchen and inside your fridge", and ( here's the oh-so-fascinating result )

2. My dreams continue to be wack-ass weird. I mean, on one hand I'm still getting the predictable family dreams, so that part's sort of status: normal, but on top of that they've just been so damned ODD lately. I found myself in some cheesy horror movie last night, and the baddie was a green-skinned (like the Wicked Witch) chick who would pop up out of nowhere and, like, stab you with her nails and shit if you didn't do whatever she wanted. Plus she had some magical power to make men obsessed with her. That by itself wouldn't be so weird (for a dream), but then guess how I convinced her to chill out & leave this one kid in my mom's family room alone? Why, I brought in Freddy Krueger of course. And she was all, "I'm not like that, am I?" And I was like, "Well, you're kind of a jerk. I mean, no offense." Hee hee. Then she felt all bad & let the kid go.[/clearly I'm a hero in my head]

Oh, and I totally hardcore made out with her afterward. HAHA. I think she had normal skin by then though.

What the fuuuuuck.

3. I've been working on my fic more, and I'm having a much easier time with it now. It's good to have something positive to focus on.

4. You know how you have to choose a mood for each entry? I keep running into the issue lately where I don't know what mood I am. There's honestly so many different things I feel about various parts of my life right now, and sometimes it leaves me feeling sort of…~nothing~ all over. Like, a big question mark. I just don't know. I do know I feel a bit lost regarding what to hope for & do with everything right now. There's still a lot of hopelessness & disillusionment in me, which I just sort of try to ignore. There's pain & anxiety over family stuff. There's a sense of failure, and the rut I feel stuck in when it comes to jobs & schooling & RL friendships & weight loss & self-improvement and…yeah, pretty much everything. But there's also, hey, at least my living room & kitchen are clean. Like, that's good. And fic writing also makes me feel good when it's going well, and I have a new candle lit in here that smells nice, and the weather's finally becoming spring-like, so those things are all positive. I've gained weight, which bothers me enormously, but I'm still rational enough to know five pounds is not the end of the damned world, and it could quickly be lost by walking. I don't know, whatever. Some of you know my depression has been pretty stealthy lately, getting much worse at nighttime/when I'm not distracted, but I'm still here, aren't I? And I'm trying to figure out how to find a balance between cheering myself up & not pushing problematic feelings down so that they'll just inevitably come rushing up later, like, "Surprise! Thought we were gone? THINK AGAIN. NOW WE'RE EVEN WORSE." You know? Oy, stupid FEELINGS.

Okay, ramble over. I will add though that I would really like to try & go to an ACA meeting this weekend. I'd also like to take a walk in Forest Park. I don't know if I'll follow through though (largely because my new jeans still aren't hemmed, and my other stuff is crappy looking. It's hard enough getting myself to walk anywhere nearby right now, let alone go downtown where people look nicer. Common sense would tell me "just go freaking get your jeans hemmed then! And do some laundry, stupid!" but it's like RIDIC levels of hard when you're depressed to get off your ass & do anything physical, especially for me if it involves possibly seeing other people). So, I won't say I'm doing it for sure, but I'm at least thinking about it. If I can just get myself to bring those jeans to the cleaners, that'll probably make other things easier & provide more motivation.[/ramble over for real this time. Don't mind me as I write think outloud about stuff no one else in their right mind probably cares about.]

5. My DVR failed to record Parks & Rec + Community AGAIN this week. WTF, mate? I changed the settings though to allow for reruns as well now; maybe it was marking new eps as repeats & then ignoring them or something. *shakes fist*

( It did however record Bones, thankfully. )

For my Vid of the Day, here's a fun Community tribute that I found today by bopradar. Makes me want to go rewatch all of season 1 all over again.

1. Song of the Day. It made me tear up. My mood is still closer to this (minus the last bit about pre-determined destiny, that is. I don't believe that. I relate to everything else though), particularly because I haven't left that staying-in-bed-for-most-of-the-day phase yet, but I have started feeling a shift. I'm incredibly stressed right now, to the point where all this unemployment stuff is making me feel nearly desperate (like, "Will I be able to keep living? What options do I have if I run out of money?"-desperate. I don't mean to scare people, but I need to be honest. A big issue is that certain jobs still feel off-limit to me, too, because of social anxiety. I feel trapped), but at least when those thoughts come up now they sound more bad than good. Still acceptable, but more bad than good. That's something, right? I may not exactly be gung-ho for life, but I don't like being forced into anything either, and for the first time in a long while I'm fighting the idea of death not just because I know I'm supposed to (and have told myself to in the past, i.e. the resolutions I've made with myself), but because I actually don't feel ready to die yet. So, yeah. That has to be worth something. I'm kind of in limbo.

That being said, things are very tenuous right now. Even if everything "works out" in a best-case scenario, it means getting a job. That stresses me out too. Deep breaths, in & out. It's all I can do. One step at a time. At least yesterday I both got the mail *and* opened it (yes, when you're like this--that's a task), and did the math to confirm that even with lesser benefits--if I do indeed qualify for the extended 20 weeks; they drop you to 80% of what you previously earned--I can still pay bills. It will be ridiculously tight, but that's fine. I have lived VERY cheaply before. I intentionally move into apartments with rent that's a good deal below what I can afford for this exact reason (plus it helps that, A. I don't have a car, B. I don't have a cell phone, C. I don't have anyone or anything depending on me, and D. I've never had any credit cards). You never know what situation you'll find yourself in. The only debt I have is from student loans & medical bills (and technically I'm a little behind on my electric bill, but not by much. Otherwise, there's simply rent + phone/internet/cable, & the miscellaneous stuff like medication & groceries & bus passes, etc). I also emailed my old friend/coworker to ask her for the address/name/phone number of the place where she works so I can go over & apply in person. I *really* don't want to work in a call center again--God, I hate it--but it would be close by, I have tons of experience in that area, and it would be better than sitting at home every day. Theoretically, it might make finding another job easier too, because then I could put on my resume that I'm currently employed, which looks better than "Hey, I've been unemployed for four months straight. Wanna hire me?" Know what I mean? I have to call the unemployment place before I do anything else though. I tried yesterday, but I called in the afternoon & the hold time was absurd. It's for the best anyway, because it allowed me to open the letter first, which they said you're supposed to do, though I don't see what difference it makes. But whatever. Today--8 am. I call. And panic. But call, regardless. Yay.[/monotone sarcasm]

2. My head has been hurting SO BAD the last week or so. I don't know how much of it is stress & how much is reducing the dose of the topamax (in fairness, I hate to admit it, but I've been even more terrible about eating, too. It's like my body suddenly feeling hungry made me even more determined to go without. I'm trying to deal with it. I did just finally have some Taco Bell, so, hey). I was going to make tonight my first night going off it completely, but the whole "staying in bed all day" deal screwed me up & consequently I missed getting the refill I needed for my antidepressent. Thus I missed it yesterday AND today. I don't want to throw my body for a crazy loop, so I'll wait on the topamax. And of course get my refill for the prozac tomorrow. Not really something I want to go without right now.

P.S. Sorry for all the body/brain talk, btw. For those of you who've never dealt with it, it's probably really boring, I know. It's what I'm dealing with right now, though. It helps me to break it down bit by bit sometimes.

3. On a positive note, the Cherry Blossom trees on my street are in bloom. Despite my allergies, that's my favorite part of spring. It'll depend on how I'm feeling, but I would like to take a walk soon (i.e. a ~Jaunty Woodland Walk~ along the nearby trails, like I used to--helpful link for pic-filled tree-hugging). I know I've been saying that forever, but the seasons changing does help up the motivation factor a little. We'll see.

4. I, like Cher in Clueless, love a good project--especially one that helps me feel more organized while also distracting me & wasting a bunch of time. As a result, I have a bunch of new tags now: Van Gogh-Go Gadget Cliched Artist (for pics of, you guessed it, my art), Voice Posts (I feel like they should have a tag. They're unique like that. P.S. Some of you don't know me well yet, so if there's questions you'd like to ask--ones I can answer in five minutes or less--feel free to drop them in the comments & I can do another voice post if you want. Woot woot. This counts for you lurkers too. I SEE YOU THERE. Heh. I won't bite!), Emotions Are Better on Paper (as an explanation for new flistmates: last summer, in an effort to better express certain feelings that otherwise were hard for me to access unfiltered, I began writing on paper--stream of consciousness/just-let it out-shit, in other words--and would sometimes later share it here. In many ways, I actually believe it's what helped lead me to finally writing fic. FYI, that tag also includes old poetry from ye olde teenaged days of yore, which I typed up. Be afraid), and, lastly, I Am a Special Snowflake (ASD-ish stuff. a.k.a. "I relate to Brennan: ASK ME HOW!").

Fun, fun.

Also: I'm even going to add to one of the above-mentioned tags…right now. *gasp* I KNOW. IT'S SO EXCITING. Heh. ( I uploaded some more of my old art. Feel free to come & take a looksie )

5. I'm so behind on my flist, and have enough piling up in my head as it is, so I'm just going to do a disorganized rundown of what I thought regarding Bones now, sans notes/rewatch. ( Bones ramblin' )

My Vid of the Day comes from TheLovelyBones1 and is a wonderfully edited take on B/B between episodes 6x09 & 6x13. Intense & delicious. This is where they're comin' from, folks. Remembering that makes the (still coming--it's just beginning & things are always repressed under the surface with them; don't forget that) happytimes that much more powerful. I'd go so far as to say they're *still* holding back a little. This vid shows a little of the KAPOW-quality I think we'll continue to see slowly rise (not all at once, but in bits) on their way towards them being a real couple. They're like pressure cookers, these two. I swear.

As promised, here is my second entry of the night--set aside all special-like for TV, music-sharing, and random rambly randomness. As one does.

1. Continuing my tidal wave o' recs (this isn't necessarily a new official "thing"--I just feel like doing it right now. I'm blaming it on the loss of Facebook. I usually share songs on there. I got into the habit from another friend of mine), here are ( three songs I'm listening to today )

2. Parks & Rec: I won't lie; I girlishly flailed. Andy + April = 4eva! *skips through fields of daisies* Except since I'm me, and since April is April, the daisies are of course dead. It being February and all. Heh. But it's the thought that counts.

3. Community: Even with my mood being so low, this episode still cracked me up. I mean, for the love of Jesus, TROY. IN THE BATHROOM. Hahahaha. "Set phasers on LOVE ME!" With his faaaace. "Reading rainbow![/runs off screaming]" I was dying.

4. Bones: ( cut so I can get my ramble on )

5. For my Vid of the Day, I could use a little laughter. Let's let Veronica Mars bring the goodtimes, shall we? This one's by Nic4347.

Writing is supposed to help when one is overwhelmed, right? So, I'm here. I feel bad for it though, so please feel free to just ignore this post if it's…I don't know. Whatever.

I want to think I'm fine, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I kind of think I'm not. I feel like August again. Like September. Like I'm sliding, falling. I look at the time & it's hard to breathe. There's too much time left. I've already wasted too much.

I want to snap out of this, because I was improving--hence the "but I'm really fine; I'll be okay. This is just a temporary setback. I'm probably about to start my period"--but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping I will, but I don't know. I'm scared I won't. My thoughts aren't providing much motivation.

Little things shouldn't knock me down. But I was already depressed. How much loss can one person handle within a twelve month period? How many times can people who say they care pull off a mask & reveal cruelty? I feel browbeaten & shellshocked.

I wrote (on paper--like ye olde days) earlier tonight to try to deal. ( Cut for triggery stream of consciousness tripe )

That's that. I'm trying. I know rationally that this was a big blow, after months of many big blows. I guess it's "okay" to be extra depressed right now, especially considering I…you know…already was. My resolutions have totally crumbled. But hey, no significant SI. I'm alive. Points for effort. I think going a while not hearing from my family would help, assuming that can be managed. I still can't even hear a car door shut outside without tensing up. I need some peace. If I can try, little by little, to get my place cleaned up, and get my resolutions back in gear--not all at once, but just day by day, gradually--I should get there. I'll be okay. It's all right that I'm struggling for now though, right? It doesn't make me even worse of a person?

That last sentence made me tear up, even if nothing came out. Well, I guess I'm starting to feel it? Writing did help after all. Yay for that.

I would like to try to keep this thing balanced though. I don't like being all doom & gloom 24/7. It's not my way. So, in the interest of making room for light amongst the darkness, let's talk about Bones this week (and by "this" week, I mean last week. You know what I mean).

( The Sin in the Sisterhood )

For my Vid of the Day, I'll cheer myself up with one of my favorite, favorite movies. This is by Alias4557:

I'm having a hard day, guys. It's okay, but this is just a pre-emptive disclaimer of sorts. I feel a little bad about posting such heavy stuff so soon after new friends came along, like there should've been a warming-up period or something (heh), but what you see is pretty much what you get here (and that's something I like about my journal. It's honest & it doesn't beat around the bush). I know I don't have to apologize for having emotions, of course, especially since it's not like I don't also have my fun & superficial posts, but yeah. Occasionally I do get that "maybe I should hold back more" impulse. Then I tell it to frak off & write another novel-length post or two. (As one does.)

I also need to say ahead of time that I'm feeling particularly sensitive & triggered by a few things today, so I kind of need this entry to be a safe space for me. In other words, I just need to talk about some stuff on an emotional level & not worry about anyone pointing out logical errors in my thinking or anything else. I already know there's logical errors; emotions are, as we've already established, STUPID. But, as keenai says, they must be dealt with. Plus you guys know my default state is set to "overthink everything--don't miss a thing!" 24/7 anyway, so it's not like any of these emotions will somehow NOT get filtered through a rational lens of obsessive perfection on my own. That's the whole reason I need to make a point of feeling my feelings with no "but, Rachael, I think that's unfair/wrong/untrue to say" type feedback. Trust me, my brain will take care of that for you. Just let me get this all out, okay?

All right, with that all being said, I've got a few things I'll be rambling about:

-Bones (i.e. the episode last night)
-my stepdad
-my mom's wasted life
-me being a weirdo & how it sometimes makes me sad

As a heads-up, this might be triggery for others too. So it's okay to skip if needed.

P.S. Random, I know, but there's also going to be some pictures in here too. For anyone wondering what my mom looked like at nineteen, now's your chance! (heh)

( The feeling as though you never belong )

Thanks for anyone who actually read any of that. I do apologize for knowing so many words. Heh.

For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to post a song that always cheers me up when I'm feeling like a freak. It says everything I couldn't say above:

I really, really need a .gif of Kermit flailing all over the place right now.

( Let's talk about Bones and that promo )

In other news: who saw Psych this week? I really should check out Twin Peaks one of these days, huh? (P.S. SHAWN & JULIET, I WANT TO SQUISH YOU. You see, Bones? NO MOONLIGHTING CURSE.)

Anyway, that's it for tonight as I don't have any real-life stuff I wanted to get into. It was nice to have nothing but TV flail to distract myself with for once. Like a vacation from Emo Land, complete with complimentary capslock. For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna go with this one by KatrinDepp that takes clips from several shows (X-Files, Bones, House, & Scrubs). It makes me smile every time I watch it, so I figure it's perfect to go with my Vacation from Emo Land theme here.

All right, we're getting back in the swing of things here. Two posts in one week. Progress, yes? Soon hopefully I'll start getting better at commenting regularly on your posts too (I've been reading all of them, but my commenting has been spotty and I hate that), as well as my recaps. I'm so behiiiiind, gah. Good thing summer's coming.

Speaking of tv & summer though, I have two exciting things to say about shows coming back:

-VANGUARD. Yessssss. I love this show so hard. Like, you don't understand. When I saw a commercial for its return on Current, I literally squealed outloud. My neighbors might've heard. Yes, I'm a nerd. DON'T JUDGE.

-So You Think You Can Dance. YEAH, BABY. And not only is it coming back, but it's some kind of wacky All Stars deal. Woooo! Bring on the season 2 peeps!

But anyway, enough of that. On with the entry. . .

1. So who watched Bones this week? aheolaighoeaighoigh, RIGHT? ( Cut for finale spoilers, some random-ass BSG comparisons, and wild theorizing about next season )

2. Changing topics, it turns out I'm getting old. Here's how I know: ( it's time for my 10-year high school reunion. )

That's it for now, as I rambled far longer about those things than I planned to. I thought I could make room to talk about other things too from the last couple weeks (Al-Anon, my last couple counseling visits, some funny work stories & the switcharoo of desks that happened there--Meerkat Manor got split up! Well, sort of--and the email I received from my stepdad yesterday morning that unfortunately ruined my entire day before I was able to pick myself up again and enjoy my evening), but that's okay. I can always write about that stuff later, and it was a bit of a nice break to talk about easy stuff again. The rest can wait for now.

For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna recycle a vid I've posted before (by doracaprica), but with an excuse. My reason? Because I want someone to make a vid to this song for Booth & Brennan now. This is totes a song I associate with Roslin & Adama, but as I was listening to it the other day, I realized it could also work now for Booth & Bones as well. And I want someone to make a vid for them set to it SO BAD. If I knew how to make vids, I'd do it myself, but I don't. So for the love of God, someone make it, and please, when it gets to the "letters I've written" part? You'd better have Brennan writing her book in the season 4 finale & the "nights in white satin" stuff better be set to them in bed together. Because COME ON NOW.

P.S. I'd also really like someone to redo a vid for Roslin & Adama to this song with the complete version--not the truncated one--and with clips from all four seasons. Can someone get on that shit for me, please? But nonetheless, I love this vid even so. It's dark and aching & graceful & simple, just like the song & just like them.

It's not too late to finally be posting my Bones review the night a new episode is airing, right? Someone out there's gotta care to still read it, right? Someone?. . .Anyone?. . .Bueller?

P.S. Because I had so much to say about this episode (long review is fuckin' long, yo), this one's going to be a little different. I had to stay away from my normal "quote all the memorable lines & scenes + talk about the general themes & my reactions" style and just split the episode into two sections: "Things I Hated" and "Things I Loved". With an ep like this, and with the limited time I had this week, I couldn't think of a better way to do it. Sorry, guys. Wish I could be my usual thorough-recappy self, but trust me, there's plenty of rambling in here, so no worries on that front. Ha. (I think if I had done a full recap? I might've killed the interwebz)

P.P.S. Though it did get a little recappy for the final scene. Couldn't resist. Hee. DAMN ANAL PERSONALITY.

( At last, here's my review of Bones' 100th episode. Gee, Rach, late much? )

For our Vid of the Day, how about this vid by neverendingsummer09 that goes perfectly with the episode I just rambled about for 5,079,284 words? Because, for God's sake, while this vid contains no clips of the episode, it is PERFECT for it, especially considering my thoughts on Brennan toward the end of the review. *she shoots, she scores*.