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rachg82I'm having a hard day, guys. It's okay, but this is just a pre-emptive disclaimer of sorts. I feel a little bad about posting such heavy stuff so soon after new friends came along, like there should've been a warming-up period or something (heh), but what you see is pretty much what you get here (and that's something I like about my journal. It's honest & it doesn't beat around the bush). I know I don't have to apologize for having emotions, of course, especially since it's not like I don't also have my fun & superficial posts, but yeah. Occasionally I do get that "maybe I should hold back more" impulse. Then I tell it to frak off & write another novel-length post or two. (As one does.)
I also need to say ahead of time that I'm feeling particularly sensitive & triggered by a few things today, so I kind of need this entry to be a safe space for me. In other words, I just need to talk about some stuff on an emotional level & not worry about anyone pointing out logical errors in my thinking or anything else. I already know there's logical errors; emotions are, as we've already established, STUPID. But, as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
keenai says, they must be dealt with. Plus you guys know my default state is set to "overthink everything--don't miss a thing!" 24/7 anyway, so it's not like any of these emotions will somehow NOT get filtered through a rational lens of obsessive perfection on my own. That's the whole reason I need to make a point of feeling my feelings with no "but, Rachael, I think that's unfair/wrong/untrue to say" type feedback. Trust me, my brain will take care of that for you. Just let me get this all out, okay?
All right, with that all being said, I've got a few things I'll be rambling about:
-Bones (i.e. the episode last night)
-my stepdad
-my mom's wasted life
-me being a weirdo & how it sometimes makes me sad
As a heads-up, this might be triggery for others too. So it's okay to skip if needed.
P.S. Random, I know, but there's also going to be some pictures in here too. For anyone wondering what my mom looked like at nineteen, now's your chance! (heh)
I can't seem to stop crying right now. It's like someone turned a faucet on in my face. I almost don't even know why I'm crying, but I do. In a way. A vague, maybe way. But thoughts don't have to be happening, nothing has to be happening--the tears just come.
I want to cut. I want to sit down & cut until there's no more room left on my thigh for skin. I want to wash it all away.
I feel ugly. I want these emotions out of me.
I can't stop crying. I just can't stop.
I started thinking about my stepdad today. Birthday Boy on Sunday. Wonder what his wish will be?
I thought about the nighttime tuck-ins. Allowed myself to think about them. About how long they lasted. They lasted too long. I dreaded them. He would tuck the covers underneath my body so tight I couldn't move, so tight I would feel physically trapped afterward until I could wiggle out, and he took his time. Took his fucking time. His hands underneath me, tucking. Tucking underneath my bottom, tucking everywhere. I told him I didn't like it.
I told him I DIDN'T LIKE IT. He laughed. He didn't care.
What is that? What do I call it? I don't know. It's not normal, right? He acted like it was playful. It didn't feel playful. Even then, it felt wrong. I wanted him to go away & stop. Eventually I remember adjusting to it--I found a way to think of it as "safe", like a cocoon, but it never felt right. I always felt ashamed of the memory, like I somehow allowed it to happen, or maybe should be ashamed because NOTHING happened and I imagined it being weird.
Is it okay to be so upset? Especially considering his sex abuse conviction? Especially considering everything else? It happened a lot. I don't remember whole chunks of time. My sister doesn't even remember being choked. I just don't know.
I feel crazy. If my family knew I was sitting here crying, they'd tell me I was crazy. The same family who used to call me schizophrenic, weird, not normal, rude, heartless, everything else they could think of.
Remember how over the last few years he suddenly started saying "I love you" to Corinne and I? He'd never said that the entire time we grew up. Ever. It was a sudden change that happened over the last few years. Suddenly he was Mr. Nice Guy, willing to help with things, even though he still emotionally abused my mother. I didn't know what to make of it, but thought, "hey, maybe he sort of loves us like a father now? He used to get so mad when we didn't see him as one." Then he asked to see Corinne topless right when she was at her most broken. Now it all falls into place.
I feel so stupid. But that sentence doesn't really SAY it. When I say stupid, I mean fucking defective & wrong & an idiot & a fool & sick & dirty & crazy & it was all my fault. All my fault. I should've known & I was just lying to myself and I fell for it. Part of me always knew & I let myself believe him anyway. I hate myself for it.
Mr. "No problem, I'll shop for TVs with you; it's nice to get out of the house & away from your mother" (wait, is that a nice thing to say?), Mr. Walks Ten Feet in Front of my Mother Everywhere They Go, Forcing Her To Run Behind Him Begging Him To Wait (he would literally bark back at her, "walk faster, then!" & they'd often cause scenes), Mr. Sits on His Fat Ass & Lets Her Serve Him, Mr. Won't Answer When She Speaks To Him Like He's Teaching Her a Lesson & Even Locks Her Out of Her Own House, Mr. Controls Her Medication, Mr. Controls Her Money, Mr. "Well, you are fat" (to me, when I was a kid), Mr. Creepy "that sweater looks nice on you; you should wear it as a dress" (to me, when I was a teenager), Mr. NEEDS TO GET HIS BALLS CUT OFF & DIE IN A FIRE.
I have so many other things I could say. But I'm just tired now. Fucking tired.
At least I stopped crying. For now.
Meanwhile there's my mom. I have this old photo album in a box by my bed with wedding photos of her & my dad that I randomly came across today. She was 19. She'd already attempted suicide once. She'd already been using drugs for quite some time. She'd been raped. On the way home that night, one of the cars would have an accident & her best friend would fly out of the door (no seatbelt) & get dragged down the street underneath another wedding guest's tire for roughly thirty feet. My mom would watch her friend die in a pool of her own blood, words bubbling out of her mouth incoherantly, her chest concave & unrecognizable. That was their honeymoon; I heard the story every year when their anniversary rolled around. They divorced when I was two. He left her for another woman & didn't come back for two years. I didn't know who he was when he did. He'd told my sister he was coming back. My mom cried in bed every day & my sister waited for him on the doorstep. Five years old, telling her friends at school he'd be there. Because he promised.
Look at this kid:
Look at her face:
Junior olympic gold medalist track star. Always crazy, yes--everyone knew that from the beginning, but what if? What if her parents had sent her to a psychiatrist right away? What if she'd left my father, instead of letting him leave her & then giving up? What if she'd gotten her act together, instead of continuing to use drugs & choose bad men, letting her entire identity revolve around either them or (to a destructive degree) her own power & status? She was always either a narcissist or a desperate clinger. Grandiose & cruel or hysterical & pitiful. Every now & then in between you'd see the *her* that you suspected was underneath it all, a non-insane personality that seemed interesting & showed potential, but then it'd disappear & make you wonder if the universe was simply playing tricks on you. Mocking you. Like a tease. Like dangling a carrot in front of your nose & laughing as you swiped at it and fell off a cliff.
But she'd do something during those carrot-dangling times like buy you a canvas for painting (without you asking), or make a joke, or *something*, that made you look at her & see her. Or you'd take a photo out, like now, and see the kid that she used to be. Underneath the drugs, underneath the madness, underneath the abuse--both what was inflicted upon her & what she inflicted upon others--and it just makes you hurt. Because honestly, she was a kid. Nineteen years old is a fucking kid. You are a BABY at that age. To get married then? Especially if you're mentally ill? And overcoming trauma? And I look at her now, married to HIM, knowing she's so much more monumentally fucked in the head than she even was while I was growing up, knowing she's got kidney failure & heart disease, and it's just SAD. It's sad. And like above, with the "stupid"? When I say "sad," I don't mean like "oh, man, that movie was sad!" I mean it's *sad*. Do you understand? It radiates through your body & through your life. There's nothing that can be done. It just is. A sad story that you can't fix. Something people with healthy, normal mothers can't understand. It's a lost life that you came from. I'm like her echo. And I can't make her better. And I always thought I could.
Aaaaand the tears are back. Damn.
And then there's my dad.
(that's baby!me, by the way)
The guy who could've gone into foster care, but chose not to. The state wanted to take him. His dad beat him to a pulp & threw him out into the street. But he went back, and back then (in the '70s), as a teenager, they let him. He used to wake him up in the night & beat him if the hangers in the closet weren't all facing the same direction. That's what he told me one day. It's the only time he ever talked to me about his childhood & he didn't even tell me anything more than that. God only knows what else went down.
How'd he end up? An alcoholic, smoking weed in the garage. A very successful alcoholic, mind you, with a nice house & lots of money, but no soul. Dead inside. Two faces: anger & Captain Charismatic. The only emotions allowed were the ones he dictated. Cans faced forward in the cabinet, cords weren't allowed to show, beds must be made, those towels are not to be touched, don't laugh so much, don't look nervous, follow directions right, don't be stupid, everything must be perfect. Because he was perfect. He was The King, which he literally would say. The King of the Jungle. Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about. If you're good enough, he won't hit you like he hits your sister. If you live here, you can have all her toys. He'll finally love you. Oh, nevermind, he didn't mean it anyway; he never expected you to live with him. The request was only made to fuck with your head, get back at your mom & stroke his pride. Don't you feel dumb?
He punched my mom in the stomach when she was pregnant. He shook me as a baby. He screamed at my baby brother for hours & threw him in his crib. I've talked about it before, but it never stops haunting me. The high-pitched scream. He sounded so terrified. He was just a baby & I couldn't help him.
How can you scream at a baby? How can you throw a baby so hard that the crib bangs against a wall? How can that happen to someone? How can that be my father? What does that say about me? That I come from all this?
My brother, guys, he still lives there. And I haven't seen him since he was thirteen. It's been seven years. Look at him:
Don't we all look happy? We were, I think. Sort of. On the surface. But not. Which says it all, really.
Where's my sister there? Isn't that the ten thousand dollar question. Where's she, dad? Oh, right, gone. The family photo minus the first-born. Move along, nothing to see here.
Except I couldn't even be allowed that. My mom would scream at me for talking to my father when I'd get home. My mom's family would say, "how can you go over there?" & gang up on me at Thanksgiving dinners, like I wasn't allowed to try to have a father, to try to have a brother, to try to have hope. I've always been the bad guy. Always.
And finally, where do we leave off?
The final loss:
So many wasted opportunities, lost relationships. My dad and I can't manage to talk more than a couple times a year, and when we do, it's absurdly awkward. My nephew is lost to me. What will become of him? Of my brother? I want us to break the cycle. My sister doesn't seem to want that, or at least doesn't seem ready for it, but hasn't there already been enough sadness? Look at Jayden. Footie pajamas, people. Sippie cup. He felt like mine. He doesn't deserve a repeat of the last several decades.
I just want to mourn my parents & let them go. I'll take their love of music, and some of their sense of humor, but the rest is like this sad & tragic shadow that I'm secretly scared I'll never be able to shake off, like a bad smell.
Moving on, I really don't feel up to an entire Bones review--I just wanted to kind of talk about my personal connections to it, because I had a really strong reaction that made objectivity difficult.
Mainly, it was two things that upset me:
1. Booth telling Sweets that Bones said she "still loved" him & then "loved" (past tense) to Hannah (not to mention sort of twisting the truth, all (paraphrasing from memory here) "I told her it couldn't happen again"--*what* couldn't happen again? You getting rejected multiple times? What exactly did he tell her? It sounds like he was covering his ass/protecting his pride/warding off further questions about unrequited feelings by making it sound like they'd maybe been together & given it a try & then it just didn't work/etc, and it was totally annoying).
Bones never said "love" in that car. Ever. Sweets even specified, "she actually said that?", & Booth had the chance to clarify & chose not to.
It really, really bothered me. I saw it as a lie. The word "love" is a big deal. One should remember the first time it's said. It's not a "oh, he knew that's what she meant" thing. It's a big deal. When people first say it while dating on tv shows, it's always one of those "Wait, what did you just say?" moments that stops everything. So at first it really upset me that he was going around saying she'd said it when she hadn't, especially to Sweets (who has control over their partnership) and especially to Hannah. I mean, REALLY upset me. I wanted to jump into the TV & yell at him to stop being wrong. Like, "THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID! STOP SAYING THAT! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE SAYING THAT!"
I mean, for fuck's sake, they'd never even confirmed before-hand that they DID love each other, not verbally at least, so what a crappy way to do so now. You know? It was always a read-between-the-lines thing. I felt so fucking robbed. The first time I heard that Bones loved Booth, or heard him acknowledging it, I certainly didn't want it to be because of him saying it to Sweets & Hannah (INCORRECTLY) & asking how he could shut it down & tolerate it. It felt like a slap in the face.
Afterward, I was able to rationalize it to myself, because the writers HAD to have known fans like me would pick that apart & get frustrated. It must've been done on purpose. I don't believe things like that are slip-ups. It wouldn't have been repeated so many times if that were the case. The writer for "The Doctor in the Photo" said she debated whether to have Bones drop the l word in her episode--as the writers also debated in the 100th ep for Booth--and that they *specifically* chose not to & spent a long time debating how to word both scenes. There's NO WAY it wasn't intentional that they had Booth misquote her. I don't care what anyone else says. I also believe they've intentionally made a point of having Booth say over & over & over again that he loves Hannah all season for a reason, when he couldn't ever express it about Bones. Again, regardless of what anyone else thinks, in my opinion? Booth is not normally an express yourself with words kinda guy. SOMETHING IS UP.
Here's my theory & how I'm making it all okay for myself again (when it comes to this upset): He's projecting. Him saying Bones said she loved him? Is because HE LOVES HER. And he knows she loves him & he wants it--wants it when he doesn't *want* to want it. And he said it the first time as a Freudian slip, totally by accident, then couldn't stop saying it again, like scratching an itch. He wants it to be true, and he's telling himself that's what she was really trying to say so it's okay to fudge the truth a little (and she does love him, but that's not the point. She still DIDN'T SAY IT). But it's really about him. The writers are making a point about him by having him misquote her. He wants her to still love him. And he can't manage to be fully honest with Hannah even now, despite the whole "I have to do the right thing" bla bla bla routine. TELL HER ABOUT YOUR PAST AS A GAMBLER & SNIPER THEN, BOOTH. Oh, what's that? You still haven't? I REST MY CASE.
(who else noticed him holding his arm back from her when she tried to reach for his hand? Once again: ladies & gentlemen of the jury. . .EXHIBIT A. I agree that the timing for leaving Hannah & jumping straight into things with Bones was doomed--I understand why he did what he did & it makes sense to me--but I also don't think he's being all Fine & Upstanding like HH & Co. are portraying him to be, lying to his girlfriend about who he is & what his life has been & & staying with her at least in part because it's The Right Thing. I know he says she's not a consolation prize & I believe that, but if even PART of his reason was because it was "the right thing"? That's not a reason to stay in a relationship, in my opinion. It's merely a reason not to jump into a new one immediately, and a reason to give your ex time to find a new place (i.e. don't just boot her out). If I were her, I'd want him to leave me or be fully honest & let us then decide together how to proceed. I don't want someone to ever stay with me because we're in a "committed relationship". FUCK THAT. If you want me, you want me. If you don't, you don't. Jesus. People are so freaking ridiculous about relationships. Like it's a crime to break up with someone. Or like if he broke up with Hannah now it would somehow mean he'd break up with Brennan for another woman later. HE STILL COULD, REGARDLESS OF HIS ACTIONS NOW. People are unpredictable! How is it better to stay with someone that you don't fully want to be with, rather than break up? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. But, fine, if he still has feelings for Hannah, then I DO understand it. That I can get. Because one can have feelings for more than one person & it can be complicated, and so on & so forth. And he doesn't want to gamble on Brennan again, and he's scared, and especially wouldn't want to risk things & hurt Hannah for nothing if it turned out to be the wrong decision due to Brennan changing her mind. So, yes, I get it. Those are the reasons I think people actually believe you shouldn't leave one person for another. But to call him the "most moral man on television"? Which HH did recently? HOMEBOY, PLEASE. I love Booth to death, but he is not a saint.)
Looking at it like that, I can actually like it (because it's allowing me to assume the writers know what they're doing & are simply fucking with us in interviews, as per usual). But it's still frustrating to have to make up a whole theory for myself when they could at least give a nice, subtle hint to confirm if I'm on the right track. Booth's head has been fascinating this season, but mostly only from my own writer's seat. The show is leaving him as mostly a mystery, like a coloring book for the fans to fill in with their own meanings.
The other thing I was gonna say is that Booth has never looked like more of an ACA than he has this season. I want to send him to a meeting & have a sit-down chat with him about feeling his feelings, seriously. I don't think he has a clue right now. He's gonna wake up three or four months from now and be like, "OHHHH, that's what was happening with me. Well, shit."
P.S. Booth? Stop joking about the victim as if she's a porn star with Sweets at work. Since when are you a teenager? Remember when you used to not be douchey? Put your dick away. Hannah's at home. (again: REALLY BUGGED ME IN THIS EPISODE. I'm working so hard at trying to debug, because you know I love him, but God damn)
2. (again, paraphrasing) "Take it easy on her/she's not like others. You know that." RAGE.
And then they toasted. TOASTED. Just the two of them; they can make it if they try![/sings]
EXCUSE ME WHILE I BARF.
Attention, Booth: SHE IS LIKE OTHERS. SHE IS LIKE A LOT OF OTHERS. Furthermore, you're not like a lot of others too. There's a whole mess of people who aren't like you, and a whole mess of people who are JUST LIKE HER. And a lot of people who aren't. Wanna know why? Because you're human & so is she. She is not a fucking alien. Not a pet project. Not a handicapped robot for others to pat on the head and roll their eyes at. She is an intelligent & strong woman and if Hannah hurts her feelings she can damn well take care of it herself; she doesn't need you warning the woman you rejected her for about how ~different~ she is (ooh, watch out, she might break!) & how she should therefore use gentle kid-gloves with her). She survived foster care, El Salvadore, a trunk, Chinese guards in Tibet, multiple abductions, the disappearance of her parents, the death of her mother, the trial of her father, and a lot of other shit that I'm sure no one else knows about, including people like you constantly misunderstanding & judging her.
P.S. Hey Angela, a word, if I may? I've got some "common sense" for you as well. Try supporting your friend minus snark. Might be a nice thing to try. You know, since you care about pigs so much (remember that? "Why are we even friends?"), you might try caring about your best friend's feelings. She's an actual person.
I've been compared to Brennan by several of my friends over the years. I more than relate to her on a personal level. I know that feeling of trying your best & being a good person and still having someone tell you you're clueless or rude for some dumbass reason like forgetting to say goodbye before hanging up the phone, as if them pointing that out & CALLING YOU RUDE *doesn't* make them rude? I KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE. And it fucking sucks. Okay? IT SUCKS. So if you're one of those people doing that to others: STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Brennan has been so alienated this season. So alone. No, she's not like a good majority of "normal" people. I KNOW. But to say that she's literally not like others? Is untrue. "Others" covers EVERYONE. A statement like that stings those of us who are like her. Thinking about it tonight, I bawled. Obviously with everything else going on with me right now, it's not surprising. I'm especially oversensitive at the moment. But really, when you've been called "weird" & "not normal" by your own sister? When you've been called eccentric & literal & strange & bla bla bla on & on forever so many times? When you've never felt like you *belonged*?
It just gets to you after a while. My frienddivine_katie was angry about something today, and wrote "I also find punching a cunt in the face a good use of my fist" in her journal (P.S. Katie, I plan on commenting later when I have time), and I laughed, but only because I was confused. I thought "that doesn't make any sense. How can you punch a cunt in the face? It doesn't have a face." Hours later, while lying in bed & listening to classical music, trying to clear my head, it randomly came back into my head & I was like, "OH! She meant a person."
Sometimes I feel like an idiot. I know I've always been like this, but I didn't notice it until I got older. It doesn't feel like there's a way to stop being that way, because I know you can call someone a cunt--that's not the issue. The issue is my brain automatically processing the sentence literally, and then me having to correct it retroactively. It doesn't always happen, but it happens frequently. And when it happens in front of people, there's nothing I can do. I just have to face that I'm going to be embarassed, douchey people are going to think it's funny, and that's that.
But here's the deal: if you are different, if you are sensitive, if you are awkward, if you are WHATEVER--anything that makes you go against the grain--you're still LIKE OTHERS. It's not fair to paint such a broad stroke like that. The writers could've found another way to word it. She's unique, yes. She's not typical, yes. I believe she's an Aspie, or at least close. But no matter what you're like, there are other people who are like you too. In some way. And no matter how "normal" you are, there is no one ~just~ like you. And so many others who are nothing like you. But what we all have in common is that we're all human. Which is why I included that part of my fanfic between Brennan & her mother, discussing what it means to belong. They're all primates. They all belong.
Chimpanzees don't wear shorts, yo.
It's just so important to me, and it upset me even more when other fans didn't seem to get it after I brought it up. But it's okay. Really. Because I know it's my issue. And I know it's mostly a matter of semantics. Logically, he most likely was feeling guilty & overprotective of her, and thought he could somehow still be connected to her & make up for everything/protect her from further pain by saying what he did. And he was probably clumsily trying to be a good friend to Brennan in a way that's maybe confusing to me, but which came from a good-hearted place.
It's just, he told her she had a "creepy mode" once, you know? He's still walking a fine line with me when it comes to talking about her "differences", and I'm very, very sensitive about it. Especially because "creepy" was yet another word my family threw at me.
I am okay, though. And seriously, I love my Bones & I love my show & I love my Booth, so don't worry about that. I'll psychoanalyze it to death & let my fanfic put it right for me.
As far as the life stuff goes, I didn't cut. I'm taking my resolution seriously. I want to move forward, feel my feelings, let this shit out, and become a whole person. It's not going to happen with a razor in my hands. I've got enough scars.
Thanks for anyone who actually read any of that. I do apologize for knowing so many words. Heh.
For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to post a song that always cheers me up when I'm feeling like a freak. It says everything I couldn't say above:
I also need to say ahead of time that I'm feeling particularly sensitive & triggered by a few things today, so I kind of need this entry to be a safe space for me. In other words, I just need to talk about some stuff on an emotional level & not worry about anyone pointing out logical errors in my thinking or anything else. I already know there's logical errors; emotions are, as we've already established, STUPID. But, as
keenai says, they must be dealt with. Plus you guys know my default state is set to "overthink everything--don't miss a thing!" 24/7 anyway, so it's not like any of these emotions will somehow NOT get filtered through a rational lens of obsessive perfection on my own. That's the whole reason I need to make a point of feeling my feelings with no "but, Rachael, I think that's unfair/wrong/untrue to say" type feedback. Trust me, my brain will take care of that for you. Just let me get this all out, okay?All right, with that all being said, I've got a few things I'll be rambling about:
-Bones (i.e. the episode last night)
-my stepdad
-my mom's wasted life
-me being a weirdo & how it sometimes makes me sad
As a heads-up, this might be triggery for others too. So it's okay to skip if needed.
P.S. Random, I know, but there's also going to be some pictures in here too. For anyone wondering what my mom looked like at nineteen, now's your chance! (heh)
I can't seem to stop crying right now. It's like someone turned a faucet on in my face. I almost don't even know why I'm crying, but I do. In a way. A vague, maybe way. But thoughts don't have to be happening, nothing has to be happening--the tears just come.
I want to cut. I want to sit down & cut until there's no more room left on my thigh for skin. I want to wash it all away.
I feel ugly. I want these emotions out of me.
I can't stop crying. I just can't stop.
I started thinking about my stepdad today. Birthday Boy on Sunday. Wonder what his wish will be?
I thought about the nighttime tuck-ins. Allowed myself to think about them. About how long they lasted. They lasted too long. I dreaded them. He would tuck the covers underneath my body so tight I couldn't move, so tight I would feel physically trapped afterward until I could wiggle out, and he took his time. Took his fucking time. His hands underneath me, tucking. Tucking underneath my bottom, tucking everywhere. I told him I didn't like it.
I told him I DIDN'T LIKE IT. He laughed. He didn't care.
What is that? What do I call it? I don't know. It's not normal, right? He acted like it was playful. It didn't feel playful. Even then, it felt wrong. I wanted him to go away & stop. Eventually I remember adjusting to it--I found a way to think of it as "safe", like a cocoon, but it never felt right. I always felt ashamed of the memory, like I somehow allowed it to happen, or maybe should be ashamed because NOTHING happened and I imagined it being weird.
Is it okay to be so upset? Especially considering his sex abuse conviction? Especially considering everything else? It happened a lot. I don't remember whole chunks of time. My sister doesn't even remember being choked. I just don't know.
I feel crazy. If my family knew I was sitting here crying, they'd tell me I was crazy. The same family who used to call me schizophrenic, weird, not normal, rude, heartless, everything else they could think of.
Remember how over the last few years he suddenly started saying "I love you" to Corinne and I? He'd never said that the entire time we grew up. Ever. It was a sudden change that happened over the last few years. Suddenly he was Mr. Nice Guy, willing to help with things, even though he still emotionally abused my mother. I didn't know what to make of it, but thought, "hey, maybe he sort of loves us like a father now? He used to get so mad when we didn't see him as one." Then he asked to see Corinne topless right when she was at her most broken. Now it all falls into place.
I feel so stupid. But that sentence doesn't really SAY it. When I say stupid, I mean fucking defective & wrong & an idiot & a fool & sick & dirty & crazy & it was all my fault. All my fault. I should've known & I was just lying to myself and I fell for it. Part of me always knew & I let myself believe him anyway. I hate myself for it.
Mr. "No problem, I'll shop for TVs with you; it's nice to get out of the house & away from your mother" (wait, is that a nice thing to say?), Mr. Walks Ten Feet in Front of my Mother Everywhere They Go, Forcing Her To Run Behind Him Begging Him To Wait (he would literally bark back at her, "walk faster, then!" & they'd often cause scenes), Mr. Sits on His Fat Ass & Lets Her Serve Him, Mr. Won't Answer When She Speaks To Him Like He's Teaching Her a Lesson & Even Locks Her Out of Her Own House, Mr. Controls Her Medication, Mr. Controls Her Money, Mr. "Well, you are fat" (to me, when I was a kid), Mr. Creepy "that sweater looks nice on you; you should wear it as a dress" (to me, when I was a teenager), Mr. NEEDS TO GET HIS BALLS CUT OFF & DIE IN A FIRE.
I have so many other things I could say. But I'm just tired now. Fucking tired.
At least I stopped crying. For now.
Meanwhile there's my mom. I have this old photo album in a box by my bed with wedding photos of her & my dad that I randomly came across today. She was 19. She'd already attempted suicide once. She'd already been using drugs for quite some time. She'd been raped. On the way home that night, one of the cars would have an accident & her best friend would fly out of the door (no seatbelt) & get dragged down the street underneath another wedding guest's tire for roughly thirty feet. My mom would watch her friend die in a pool of her own blood, words bubbling out of her mouth incoherantly, her chest concave & unrecognizable. That was their honeymoon; I heard the story every year when their anniversary rolled around. They divorced when I was two. He left her for another woman & didn't come back for two years. I didn't know who he was when he did. He'd told my sister he was coming back. My mom cried in bed every day & my sister waited for him on the doorstep. Five years old, telling her friends at school he'd be there. Because he promised.
Look at this kid:
Look at her face:
Junior olympic gold medalist track star. Always crazy, yes--everyone knew that from the beginning, but what if? What if her parents had sent her to a psychiatrist right away? What if she'd left my father, instead of letting him leave her & then giving up? What if she'd gotten her act together, instead of continuing to use drugs & choose bad men, letting her entire identity revolve around either them or (to a destructive degree) her own power & status? She was always either a narcissist or a desperate clinger. Grandiose & cruel or hysterical & pitiful. Every now & then in between you'd see the *her* that you suspected was underneath it all, a non-insane personality that seemed interesting & showed potential, but then it'd disappear & make you wonder if the universe was simply playing tricks on you. Mocking you. Like a tease. Like dangling a carrot in front of your nose & laughing as you swiped at it and fell off a cliff.
But she'd do something during those carrot-dangling times like buy you a canvas for painting (without you asking), or make a joke, or *something*, that made you look at her & see her. Or you'd take a photo out, like now, and see the kid that she used to be. Underneath the drugs, underneath the madness, underneath the abuse--both what was inflicted upon her & what she inflicted upon others--and it just makes you hurt. Because honestly, she was a kid. Nineteen years old is a fucking kid. You are a BABY at that age. To get married then? Especially if you're mentally ill? And overcoming trauma? And I look at her now, married to HIM, knowing she's so much more monumentally fucked in the head than she even was while I was growing up, knowing she's got kidney failure & heart disease, and it's just SAD. It's sad. And like above, with the "stupid"? When I say "sad," I don't mean like "oh, man, that movie was sad!" I mean it's *sad*. Do you understand? It radiates through your body & through your life. There's nothing that can be done. It just is. A sad story that you can't fix. Something people with healthy, normal mothers can't understand. It's a lost life that you came from. I'm like her echo. And I can't make her better. And I always thought I could.
Aaaaand the tears are back. Damn.
And then there's my dad.
(that's baby!me, by the way)
The guy who could've gone into foster care, but chose not to. The state wanted to take him. His dad beat him to a pulp & threw him out into the street. But he went back, and back then (in the '70s), as a teenager, they let him. He used to wake him up in the night & beat him if the hangers in the closet weren't all facing the same direction. That's what he told me one day. It's the only time he ever talked to me about his childhood & he didn't even tell me anything more than that. God only knows what else went down.
How'd he end up? An alcoholic, smoking weed in the garage. A very successful alcoholic, mind you, with a nice house & lots of money, but no soul. Dead inside. Two faces: anger & Captain Charismatic. The only emotions allowed were the ones he dictated. Cans faced forward in the cabinet, cords weren't allowed to show, beds must be made, those towels are not to be touched, don't laugh so much, don't look nervous, follow directions right, don't be stupid, everything must be perfect. Because he was perfect. He was The King, which he literally would say. The King of the Jungle. Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about. If you're good enough, he won't hit you like he hits your sister. If you live here, you can have all her toys. He'll finally love you. Oh, nevermind, he didn't mean it anyway; he never expected you to live with him. The request was only made to fuck with your head, get back at your mom & stroke his pride. Don't you feel dumb?
He punched my mom in the stomach when she was pregnant. He shook me as a baby. He screamed at my baby brother for hours & threw him in his crib. I've talked about it before, but it never stops haunting me. The high-pitched scream. He sounded so terrified. He was just a baby & I couldn't help him.
How can you scream at a baby? How can you throw a baby so hard that the crib bangs against a wall? How can that happen to someone? How can that be my father? What does that say about me? That I come from all this?
My brother, guys, he still lives there. And I haven't seen him since he was thirteen. It's been seven years. Look at him:
Don't we all look happy? We were, I think. Sort of. On the surface. But not. Which says it all, really.
Where's my sister there? Isn't that the ten thousand dollar question. Where's she, dad? Oh, right, gone. The family photo minus the first-born. Move along, nothing to see here.
Except I couldn't even be allowed that. My mom would scream at me for talking to my father when I'd get home. My mom's family would say, "how can you go over there?" & gang up on me at Thanksgiving dinners, like I wasn't allowed to try to have a father, to try to have a brother, to try to have hope. I've always been the bad guy. Always.
And finally, where do we leave off?
The final loss:
So many wasted opportunities, lost relationships. My dad and I can't manage to talk more than a couple times a year, and when we do, it's absurdly awkward. My nephew is lost to me. What will become of him? Of my brother? I want us to break the cycle. My sister doesn't seem to want that, or at least doesn't seem ready for it, but hasn't there already been enough sadness? Look at Jayden. Footie pajamas, people. Sippie cup. He felt like mine. He doesn't deserve a repeat of the last several decades.
I just want to mourn my parents & let them go. I'll take their love of music, and some of their sense of humor, but the rest is like this sad & tragic shadow that I'm secretly scared I'll never be able to shake off, like a bad smell.
Moving on, I really don't feel up to an entire Bones review--I just wanted to kind of talk about my personal connections to it, because I had a really strong reaction that made objectivity difficult.
Mainly, it was two things that upset me:
1. Booth telling Sweets that Bones said she "still loved" him & then "loved" (past tense) to Hannah (not to mention sort of twisting the truth, all (paraphrasing from memory here) "I told her it couldn't happen again"--*what* couldn't happen again? You getting rejected multiple times? What exactly did he tell her? It sounds like he was covering his ass/protecting his pride/warding off further questions about unrequited feelings by making it sound like they'd maybe been together & given it a try & then it just didn't work/etc, and it was totally annoying).
Bones never said "love" in that car. Ever. Sweets even specified, "she actually said that?", & Booth had the chance to clarify & chose not to.
It really, really bothered me. I saw it as a lie. The word "love" is a big deal. One should remember the first time it's said. It's not a "oh, he knew that's what she meant" thing. It's a big deal. When people first say it while dating on tv shows, it's always one of those "Wait, what did you just say?" moments that stops everything. So at first it really upset me that he was going around saying she'd said it when she hadn't, especially to Sweets (who has control over their partnership) and especially to Hannah. I mean, REALLY upset me. I wanted to jump into the TV & yell at him to stop being wrong. Like, "THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID! STOP SAYING THAT! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE SAYING THAT!"
I mean, for fuck's sake, they'd never even confirmed before-hand that they DID love each other, not verbally at least, so what a crappy way to do so now. You know? It was always a read-between-the-lines thing. I felt so fucking robbed. The first time I heard that Bones loved Booth, or heard him acknowledging it, I certainly didn't want it to be because of him saying it to Sweets & Hannah (INCORRECTLY) & asking how he could shut it down & tolerate it. It felt like a slap in the face.
Afterward, I was able to rationalize it to myself, because the writers HAD to have known fans like me would pick that apart & get frustrated. It must've been done on purpose. I don't believe things like that are slip-ups. It wouldn't have been repeated so many times if that were the case. The writer for "The Doctor in the Photo" said she debated whether to have Bones drop the l word in her episode--as the writers also debated in the 100th ep for Booth--and that they *specifically* chose not to & spent a long time debating how to word both scenes. There's NO WAY it wasn't intentional that they had Booth misquote her. I don't care what anyone else says. I also believe they've intentionally made a point of having Booth say over & over & over again that he loves Hannah all season for a reason, when he couldn't ever express it about Bones. Again, regardless of what anyone else thinks, in my opinion? Booth is not normally an express yourself with words kinda guy. SOMETHING IS UP.
Here's my theory & how I'm making it all okay for myself again (when it comes to this upset): He's projecting. Him saying Bones said she loved him? Is because HE LOVES HER. And he knows she loves him & he wants it--wants it when he doesn't *want* to want it. And he said it the first time as a Freudian slip, totally by accident, then couldn't stop saying it again, like scratching an itch. He wants it to be true, and he's telling himself that's what she was really trying to say so it's okay to fudge the truth a little (and she does love him, but that's not the point. She still DIDN'T SAY IT). But it's really about him. The writers are making a point about him by having him misquote her. He wants her to still love him. And he can't manage to be fully honest with Hannah even now, despite the whole "I have to do the right thing" bla bla bla routine. TELL HER ABOUT YOUR PAST AS A GAMBLER & SNIPER THEN, BOOTH. Oh, what's that? You still haven't? I REST MY CASE.
(who else noticed him holding his arm back from her when she tried to reach for his hand? Once again: ladies & gentlemen of the jury. . .EXHIBIT A. I agree that the timing for leaving Hannah & jumping straight into things with Bones was doomed--I understand why he did what he did & it makes sense to me--but I also don't think he's being all Fine & Upstanding like HH & Co. are portraying him to be, lying to his girlfriend about who he is & what his life has been & & staying with her at least in part because it's The Right Thing. I know he says she's not a consolation prize & I believe that, but if even PART of his reason was because it was "the right thing"? That's not a reason to stay in a relationship, in my opinion. It's merely a reason not to jump into a new one immediately, and a reason to give your ex time to find a new place (i.e. don't just boot her out). If I were her, I'd want him to leave me or be fully honest & let us then decide together how to proceed. I don't want someone to ever stay with me because we're in a "committed relationship". FUCK THAT. If you want me, you want me. If you don't, you don't. Jesus. People are so freaking ridiculous about relationships. Like it's a crime to break up with someone. Or like if he broke up with Hannah now it would somehow mean he'd break up with Brennan for another woman later. HE STILL COULD, REGARDLESS OF HIS ACTIONS NOW. People are unpredictable! How is it better to stay with someone that you don't fully want to be with, rather than break up? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. But, fine, if he still has feelings for Hannah, then I DO understand it. That I can get. Because one can have feelings for more than one person & it can be complicated, and so on & so forth. And he doesn't want to gamble on Brennan again, and he's scared, and especially wouldn't want to risk things & hurt Hannah for nothing if it turned out to be the wrong decision due to Brennan changing her mind. So, yes, I get it. Those are the reasons I think people actually believe you shouldn't leave one person for another. But to call him the "most moral man on television"? Which HH did recently? HOMEBOY, PLEASE. I love Booth to death, but he is not a saint.)
Looking at it like that, I can actually like it (because it's allowing me to assume the writers know what they're doing & are simply fucking with us in interviews, as per usual). But it's still frustrating to have to make up a whole theory for myself when they could at least give a nice, subtle hint to confirm if I'm on the right track. Booth's head has been fascinating this season, but mostly only from my own writer's seat. The show is leaving him as mostly a mystery, like a coloring book for the fans to fill in with their own meanings.
The other thing I was gonna say is that Booth has never looked like more of an ACA than he has this season. I want to send him to a meeting & have a sit-down chat with him about feeling his feelings, seriously. I don't think he has a clue right now. He's gonna wake up three or four months from now and be like, "OHHHH, that's what was happening with me. Well, shit."
P.S. Booth? Stop joking about the victim as if she's a porn star with Sweets at work. Since when are you a teenager? Remember when you used to not be douchey? Put your dick away. Hannah's at home. (again: REALLY BUGGED ME IN THIS EPISODE. I'm working so hard at trying to debug, because you know I love him, but God damn)
2. (again, paraphrasing) "Take it easy on her/she's not like others. You know that." RAGE.
And then they toasted. TOASTED. Just the two of them; they can make it if they try![/sings]
EXCUSE ME WHILE I BARF.
Attention, Booth: SHE IS LIKE OTHERS. SHE IS LIKE A LOT OF OTHERS. Furthermore, you're not like a lot of others too. There's a whole mess of people who aren't like you, and a whole mess of people who are JUST LIKE HER. And a lot of people who aren't. Wanna know why? Because you're human & so is she. She is not a fucking alien. Not a pet project. Not a handicapped robot for others to pat on the head and roll their eyes at. She is an intelligent & strong woman and if Hannah hurts her feelings she can damn well take care of it herself; she doesn't need you warning the woman you rejected her for about how ~different~ she is (ooh, watch out, she might break!) & how she should therefore use gentle kid-gloves with her). She survived foster care, El Salvadore, a trunk, Chinese guards in Tibet, multiple abductions, the disappearance of her parents, the death of her mother, the trial of her father, and a lot of other shit that I'm sure no one else knows about, including people like you constantly misunderstanding & judging her.
P.S. Hey Angela, a word, if I may? I've got some "common sense" for you as well. Try supporting your friend minus snark. Might be a nice thing to try. You know, since you care about pigs so much (remember that? "Why are we even friends?"), you might try caring about your best friend's feelings. She's an actual person.
I've been compared to Brennan by several of my friends over the years. I more than relate to her on a personal level. I know that feeling of trying your best & being a good person and still having someone tell you you're clueless or rude for some dumbass reason like forgetting to say goodbye before hanging up the phone, as if them pointing that out & CALLING YOU RUDE *doesn't* make them rude? I KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE. And it fucking sucks. Okay? IT SUCKS. So if you're one of those people doing that to others: STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Brennan has been so alienated this season. So alone. No, she's not like a good majority of "normal" people. I KNOW. But to say that she's literally not like others? Is untrue. "Others" covers EVERYONE. A statement like that stings those of us who are like her. Thinking about it tonight, I bawled. Obviously with everything else going on with me right now, it's not surprising. I'm especially oversensitive at the moment. But really, when you've been called "weird" & "not normal" by your own sister? When you've been called eccentric & literal & strange & bla bla bla on & on forever so many times? When you've never felt like you *belonged*?
It just gets to you after a while. My friend
divine_katie was angry about something today, and wrote "I also find punching a cunt in the face a good use of my fist" in her journal (P.S. Katie, I plan on commenting later when I have time), and I laughed, but only because I was confused. I thought "that doesn't make any sense. How can you punch a cunt in the face? It doesn't have a face." Hours later, while lying in bed & listening to classical music, trying to clear my head, it randomly came back into my head & I was like, "OH! She meant a person." Sometimes I feel like an idiot. I know I've always been like this, but I didn't notice it until I got older. It doesn't feel like there's a way to stop being that way, because I know you can call someone a cunt--that's not the issue. The issue is my brain automatically processing the sentence literally, and then me having to correct it retroactively. It doesn't always happen, but it happens frequently. And when it happens in front of people, there's nothing I can do. I just have to face that I'm going to be embarassed, douchey people are going to think it's funny, and that's that.
But here's the deal: if you are different, if you are sensitive, if you are awkward, if you are WHATEVER--anything that makes you go against the grain--you're still LIKE OTHERS. It's not fair to paint such a broad stroke like that. The writers could've found another way to word it. She's unique, yes. She's not typical, yes. I believe she's an Aspie, or at least close. But no matter what you're like, there are other people who are like you too. In some way. And no matter how "normal" you are, there is no one ~just~ like you. And so many others who are nothing like you. But what we all have in common is that we're all human. Which is why I included that part of my fanfic between Brennan & her mother, discussing what it means to belong. They're all primates. They all belong.
Chimpanzees don't wear shorts, yo.
It's just so important to me, and it upset me even more when other fans didn't seem to get it after I brought it up. But it's okay. Really. Because I know it's my issue. And I know it's mostly a matter of semantics. Logically, he most likely was feeling guilty & overprotective of her, and thought he could somehow still be connected to her & make up for everything/protect her from further pain by saying what he did. And he was probably clumsily trying to be a good friend to Brennan in a way that's maybe confusing to me, but which came from a good-hearted place.
It's just, he told her she had a "creepy mode" once, you know? He's still walking a fine line with me when it comes to talking about her "differences", and I'm very, very sensitive about it. Especially because "creepy" was yet another word my family threw at me.
I am okay, though. And seriously, I love my Bones & I love my show & I love my Booth, so don't worry about that. I'll psychoanalyze it to death & let my fanfic put it right for me.
As far as the life stuff goes, I didn't cut. I'm taking my resolution seriously. I want to move forward, feel my feelings, let this shit out, and become a whole person. It's not going to happen with a razor in my hands. I've got enough scars.
Thanks for anyone who actually read any of that. I do apologize for knowing so many words. Heh.
For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to post a song that always cheers me up when I'm feeling like a freak. It says everything I couldn't say above:
