rachg82

I'm bored, headachey, and trying to put off doing my taxes (I know, I know. I HAVE TO DO THEM. It'll take like not even an hour--it's not like I have any dependents or anything. I'll get to it later tonight); ergo, how about a meme?

I swiped this one from icedteainthebag, and it's muy fun:

Songs In My Pants

1. Put your media player of choice on shuffle.
2. List the first fifteen songs that come up and add "in my pants" to the end.
3. Bold the ones that actually made you LOL.

Here's what I got:

1. Everyone's a Little Bit Racist in My Pants
2. Us in My Pants
3. Mr. Brightside in My Pants
4. Heartbeats in My Pants (I don't know why that made me laugh, hee)
5. Hop a Plane in My Pants
6. Here I Come in My Pants (best ever or BEST EVER?)
7. Like a Star in My Pants
8. Nobody Knows Me At All in My Pants (this is kind of my theme song, aw)
9. Soil, Soil in My Pants (um, ew)
10. A Boy Named Sue in My Pants
11. Feeling Good in My Pants
12. Last Goodbye in My Pants (how sad! Ha)
13. No Letting Go in My Pants
14. Rehab (Glee Cast Version) in My Pants (I'm picturing a tiny cast of Glee, singing, in my pants. Lord help me. That is disturbing.)
15. Cathedrals in My Pants.

To add to the fun, let's make this a soundtrack, eh? This will be good for those who might not know all the songs above, plus it gives me an excuse to post a couple fanvids.

( Soundtrack en mis pantalones )

For my Vid of the Day (the above vids don't count--I say so), here's a tribute montage to Shirley by VeritasProductions:

1. Oh my God, self. Way to sleep in until 5 o'clock in the evening. GO TEAM. So much for taking a Jaunty Woodland Walk today! It is going to be so hard to rearrange this whole owl-like schedule I've fallen into, I swear.

FIVE O'CLOCK. It's not like I've never done it before, but sheesh. That is just ri-donkey kong-ulous.

2. At least I finished my PWP ficlet last night/this morning (whatever, "time". With your "AM/PM" nonsense! I MAKE MY OWN ROTATIONAL AXIS, EARTH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Um…or something) Yay.

I do by the way consider it a fic, not a poem, although I'm okay with others calling it that if they want (which some have). ( cut for some writerly pondering )

3. There are legit snowflakes mixed in outside with the rain right now. It's almost March, yo. This is Oregon. That is simply NOT how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts. (haha, dosidella, I told you I'd make that a thing)

4. My ficlet wasn't large enough to warrant a full-fledged ginormous soundtrack this time, but I will at least share ten a small army of songs which may or may not have assisted in the writing process. ( Mini-Fanfic-Soundtrack: You Must Be This Short To Ride. (P.S. that's what she said) )

5. I'm about thisclose to calling Southland the BSG of cop shows. It's getting there. I can feel it. It's not *quite* there yet (Sammy held back! If he'd gone for it--and by "it", you know what I'm talking about--I would've given it that title. I was partially convinced he was about to turn the gun on himself), but it's on its way. The lighting, the gritty realism, the "We're gonna make you watch this scene with one hand over your mouth, because you KNOW WE AIN'T AFRAID TO BRING IT & we might be about to throw down, son"-shit, the acting, the *human* drama & comedy, the directing, allll of ittttt. I love it, love it, love it. I'm not at all cool with there being only a couple more eps left this season. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Ooh, and? I have a new theme song for John Cooper. Trick love da kids!. Hahahaha. Seriously though, I love what a freakin' SOFTIE he is every time anything comes up with foster kids. He just loses his shit. Screamin' at case workers, prowling the town, you name it. Then he slowly walks up to the kid like a gentle Mama Bear (or perhaps like a lion with a thorn in its paw--so many similes, so little time), and it's like, "I'm sorry. Who are you, again? Aren't you usually the hard ass?" Hee. I LOVE HIM. He's my favorite, after Lydia.

Come to think of it, oh my God, he's kind of an Adama. I wonder if he furiously brushes his teeth in the morning with a Care Bear Glare Stare & flails paint around when he cries?

6. Parenthood last night was am-aaaaa-zing, as usual. That show really, really gets the dynamic between siblings when it comes to having an addicted/shitty parent. Everything that went down in that storyline was just A++++. Also? Ha HA! at that scene with Syd and her grandparents. I've told you guys before about the time I was a kid & my stepmom ordered me to stay at the table until I ate her taco salad, right? Yeah, I stayed there until bedtime & didn't eat a bite. I WILL NOT EAT YOUR LETTUCE, WOMAN. I TOLD YOU & YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.

The clip with Max and the TV brought back some memories for me too, I have to admit. I'd like to think of myself as having been a good kid (and I really was, considering everything I had to deal with around me), but honestly? I raised some hell at times. Only rarely to that type of degree (that I remember), but when it did happen, it would be triggered by similar things--something not being done the same way as before/as planned/feeling out of control, etc. Like, you'll notice that whole argument for him started by him being upset that she didn't start the homework at the same time that Abby (his behavioral aid) did. He expected to still be allowed to watch TV, because she hadn't followed the rules properly herself; ergo, it was irrational of her in his opinion to expect him to. In my case, the particular memory that it inspired was different, but I just remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my stepmom because she wasn't washing my hair "right" in the bathtub (obviously I was still relatively young at the time), and how she told me years later she'd end up leaving the bathroom in tears sometimes because she didn't know what to do with me. I'd freak if she didn't bend my ears down ~just right~ (so no water would go in), I'd freak if she'd use the "wrong" type of glass for rinsing out the shampoo, et cetera. It was a whole big thing. And when I say "screamed at the top of my lungs"? I mean high-pitched, full-bodied *screamed*. Sitting there shaking & bawling, having a complete breakdown. "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT! I WANT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! I TOLD YOU TO DO IT LIKE *THIS*! YOU'RE STUPID!" My dad would have to walk in & try to intervene, bla bla bla. It ended with me "teaching" her the proper methods of bath giving, and eventually she just didn't give me baths while I was there (I'd just wait to wash my hair until I got home since I couldn't rinse it myself "the right way", at least until I was older & started showering, which wasn't until I was at least eleven or so--I was intimidated/scared of the shower & remember feeling like I didn't know "how" to do it). Yeah. Er, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, MARY. Heh. God.

I'm really looking forward to next week's episode, by the way. Max learning about his ASD will make that plotline contain so much more depth than it already does, which is saying a lot. I will be really bummed if Abby stays away though. I liked her. (Jasmine bugs me, too. Ugh. I still want her on the show, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if she & Crosby are right together.)

7. I can't believe we have to wait two more weeks for Bones. What kind of shenanigans is this?

8. I really want ice cream right now. I choose to blame keenai for this.

9. I also feel like rewatching a BSG ep right now. Which one should I choose? (I'm leaning towards "33" since I was talking about it with Jen the other day, but I'm open to recommendations)

10. My Vid of the Day today comes from thay2504. I randomly came across it on YouTube last night, and omg the flaily hands it gave me. FLAILY HANDS. That ending! Brennannnnnnnn. You are my homegiiiiiiirrrrrrl.

keenai, you should really try to stop being right all the time. It's a bit creepy.

~Direct quote~

When we were talking at my last session, I would be all, "I'm great! Things are picking up! Life is wonderful! I have rage!"

My response?

Tears. Down my face. You just made me laugh so hard.

"I'M DOING FANTASTIC! NOW, LET ME PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! P.S. Have a great day."

Ahhh, welcome to the lives of ACAs. Good times, good times.

I'm gonna go to a meeting tonight. I need to be around fellow bitter people who understand my vile, fist-clenching sadness & want to be happy. It rises up in you when you least expect it, for no reason, over something as simple as someone just not *getting* you, and UGH. You just don't have the patience for fuckery. Your quota was met long ago. You take things very seriously & niceness is a supreme effort. Even a hint that covert bullshit is being defended by "it was only sarcasm/you're too sensitive" is enough to create the fires of mordor in your eyes.

Stupid jokes make you want to storm home & take your toys with you. "THIS WORLD SUCKS!"

It's not your fucking problem; it's theirs. And yet.

Chill the hell out, self. God damn.

Hence, time for a meeting. Good thing I made that resolution. (*edited to add: except I'm apparently full of FAIL today, because I didn't get ready on time & now I'm gonna be late & it's cold out & BLAH. I can go another day, right? I mean, there are seven days in a week, and technically, my scheduled day to go is Saturday. I was over-achieving today. Except I kinda wanted to go tonight too because that nice girl was there last time on a Monday. And she was cute. Probably straight though. And going to Chile. Hmph.)

The ticking time bombyness makes sense too, I suppose, considering ( the memory that came up for me last night as I was falling asleep. )

My instinct here is to say "it's okay" or "but I'm fine." But you know what? It's not okay. I'm not fine. I mean, because what the hell is "fine", anyway?

Once again, keenai says it best:

I'm used to just saying "it's fine, whatever" and it's not fine, whatever.

I read this book, and the character's AA sponsor said fine = fucking insecure neurotic and emotional. Fine is not a real emotion. So when we're saying we're fine, we're saying we're FINE and need to put a real emotion/feeling to it.

It's true.

When I was seeing my counselor last year, we did a few sessions of meditation where she asked me to focus on where I felt things, what they would look like if I could describe them in visual/physical terms, how does it feel if I imagine setting them aside before putting them back in, and so on. Keenai suggested a similar concept to me the other day, which I found to be very practical:

Another thing I've started doing is (and I walked my friend through this): What do you feel? Where do you feel it? Why is it making you feel [x]?

It's almost the same, but with the very important addition of the "why". For instance, if you're sad & feeling sick to your stomach, acknowledge it. Obviously, 90+ percent of the seretonin in your body resides in your abdomen (interesting, right?), but go deeper than that--specifically, what emotions are causing those reactions & WHY? What thoughts are you having? What are you telling yourself? About you? About others? Is there shame? Is there disgust? Is there fear? What? The book I mentioned the other day ("The Adult Child's Guide To What's Normal") has a whole section explaining & describing how emotions feel for ACAs, specifically because we obviously never learned how to correctly identify them, but I imagine that's got to be a useful practice for just about anyone.

Also? Reading it, I couldn't help but think of Booth. Ha.

Brennan: What are you feeling, Booth?
Booth: What? Since when do you care about feelings?
Brennan: I care about feelings.
Booth: *eyebrow*
Brennan: Also, Cam asked me to ask you.
Booth: I feel fine. Can we talk about something else now?
Brennan: I've been told that fine is not a real emotion.
Booth: *sighs* What?
Brennan: What do you FEEL, Booth? *pokes him in the forehead*
Booth: I'm starting to feel angry, now. Thank you.
Brennan: Where?
Booth: What? Right here. *waves hand in the air* Where we're standing.
Brennan: Where in your body? How does it feel to be angry?
Booth: Bones, you're being too literal, okay? When people feel angry, they're just. . .angry. Mad, pissed off--y'know, ANGRY.
Brennan: You realize you're simply using random synonyms to describe the same word. I'm not asking what other people feel. I'm asking what you feel. Do you even know?
Booth: No, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I'm a freak. Happy?
Brennan: *smiles* Me too.

AND THEN THEY HIGH FIVE. Freak solidarity FTW.

Haha.

Craaaaaaack.

For my Vid of the Day, I've got a mini-soundtrack for y'all. ( cut to make room for some good ole fashioned, fun-filled bitchfacin' )

Things I should be doing right now: showering, looking for work, taking down my fake Christmas Tree.

Things I am doing instead: hanging out here. Wasting time. Preparing to unload massive linkage & rambling, as per usual. (Feel special)

Hey, it's not my fault I love you all so much. Okay, so it is (damn free will). But let's pretend it's not.

To the point (like I ever have only one): I'm feeling the urge today to, A. go on a multi-purpose musical tangent, B. rec some fics, and C. exhale some wordy stuff about stuff. In that order.

Let's roll.

A. It's been far too long since I overloaded your guys' computers with YouTube song vids. Totally unacceptable. Because I'm random, this time I'm going to make the soundtrack '80s-tastic, with a side of HBIC-liciousness. And throw in a few unrelated modern songs while no one's looking. ( Like to hear it, here it goes. )

B. Fic-reccin'. bloodwrites was asking recently if anyone had any good XF fic recs and I of course was like, "haha, *do* I? You don't know who you're dealin' with, lady." I figured I'd share at least three with you all as well. (all can be found here at the Gossamer Project)

-"Contact High" by Penumbra
-"Aquinnah" by Anjou
-"Good Vibrations" by Lysandra

The first two are serious recs & the last is a cracky crack-filled romp o' drunken hilarity & vibratin' goodtimes. Obviously, I have so many others I could rec as well, but I felt I would be remiss not to pass on at least a few when I've got a freakin' library of authors & titles chillin' up in my brain. The knowledge should be put to use somehow.

P.S. If you don't watch XF, but watch Bones? Read 'em anyhow. I swear, a good majority of XF fic can be read as Bones fic if you simply do "find & replace" with the names. Which I've sooo done, btw. NO SHAME. Haha. And if you don't watch *either* show? They're still well-written & entertaining stories. Worth a read.

C. Wordage. I had a few things on my mind this evening and that's sort of what this journal is for (when I'm not killing everyone's brains with vids, that is), so forgive me while I take a moment to ramble aimlessly. ( I am a social failbot. Ask me how! )

For my Vid of the Day (yep, still including one. Music Fest above didn't count), we're gonna throw some love to Max via this Halloween clip since I was mentioning him above. Love. this. kid. so. muchhhhh.

I actually wrote a whole big thing tonight jam-packed with lots & lots of family-related verbosity, but I'm just gonna save it as a private entry for now & may or may not post it in the future. Don't worry, nothing new has happened; it's just some memory-stuff, but y'know, heads-up. I should just write a memoir & get it over with. It'd probably end up rivalling the Mahabharata in length, though.

For now, since I have a migraine & need something to distract me (I slept in wayyyy late today, so I'm nowhere near tired yet), I thought it would be fun to get all music-y with you guys. I love when people rec me stuff (P.S. 5brokenfingers, I do plan on listening to those songs we talked about over the next couple days & will report back. *salutes*), so I can only assume at least a few of you might appreciate the same thing. Always fun to hear new music, right?

In this case, the playlist will be especially quirky, as it'll be comprised of the songs that either inspired or accompanied the writing of my fanfic. Good times, yes? I'll also be including the poem I quoted in the story (in case anyone didn't know it, though I doubt that's probable) + an excerpt of my writing from when I was 19 which kinda showed up as well + the random XF reference I threw in which may or may not have gone unnoticed. I LIKE TO BE RANDOM. Heh.

( Playlist Powers: Activate! )

Whew. Now, I know no one could possibly have time to listen to all of those songs in one sitting, but I hope it gave you guys some good options for the future & that you enjoyed any you did listen to (or at the very least found my commentary interesting. Hey, you never know). Peace out, homebizzles.

*edited to add: P.S. I'm super behind on my friends-list, so don't me surprised if you guys start getting a bunch of random comments from me on old entries over the next few days, 'kay?