Let me whisper in your ear
Feb. 23rd, 2011 10:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg821. Oh my God, self. Way to sleep in until 5 o'clock in the evening. GO TEAM. So much for taking a Jaunty Woodland Walk today! It is going to be so hard to rearrange this whole owl-like schedule I've fallen into, I swear.
FIVE O'CLOCK. It's not like I've never done it before, but sheesh. That is just ri-donkey kong-ulous.
2. At least I finished my PWP ficlet last night/this morning (whatever, "time". With your "AM/PM" nonsense! I MAKE MY OWN ROTATIONAL AXIS, EARTH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Um…or something) Yay.
I do by the way consider it a fic, not a poem, although I'm okay with others calling it that if they want (which some have). I just can't deal with calling it that myself, hee. I have issues. I'll term it "creative writing" or "non-filtered-emotional-rambling" or "stream-of-consciousness-blathering", but not poetry. I wrote poetry (and called it that) as a teenager, and then my mom started writing it, and she ruined it for me by jumping on the bandwagon. Ha. Seriously. Now it's like, "I CAN'T BE LIKE HER. NO! Nooooooooo." Then I run off, screaming (figuratively).
Of course her poems are written while, y'know, HIGH. And crazy. (not to mention: bitch needs some serious classes in grammar & spelling, despite some literary potential. I'm just sayin'<---y'all know I can't handle that shit. "THE APOSTROPHE DOESN'T GO THERE! WHY DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME?!") But still. It's something I'll have to get over. The other thing is that I'm not *trying* to write it as poetry (i.e. "and here's a stanza!"). That would seem pretentious to me. It's just natural to me to write that way when I'm in ~introspective thinky-mode~, narrating the character's thoughts & feelings, as opposed to writing a scene where they're focused outward on a specific person, at least partially playing a produced role (as we all do, unconsciously or not), actually talking instead of remaining silent, etc. Things feel different, your brain works on a different level (in order to communicate), memories & associations are triggered in between actions & words in abrupt and/or vague fashions--it's just how it is. For me, anyway. The writing style *should* switch back & forth in order to feel authentic.
Anyway, that's just my thoughts on the matter. They probably make NO SENSE. Heh. Oh, well.
Regardless of the above, I'm INCREDIBLY FLATTERED by the comments (and linking/reccing!) I've received on all three of my fics so far. The fact that people *think* of it as poetry? And like it? (I was compared to T.S. Eliot, dude. I can't even) It just really means a lot. Knowing that I can do something right now that brings happiness to people. It's like I matter in some way, you know? Even if only for that. Even if just for now. It's something to hold onto & one small reason to try to keep going. I can do SOMETHING right. Maybe. Just maybe. At least for some people. Not everyone, I'm sure (it's just a freaking online fanfic--not a cure for cancer). But for some. You know?
So, yes. I just wanted you guys to know your support really helps me right now, especially because of how alone I feel in my life in general. I don't want to *rely* on that support, but I definitely appreciate it. It's like a gift, and in my experience, one thanks people for a gift. Hence the above thanking.
3. There are legit snowflakes mixed in outside with the rain right now. It's almost March, yo. This is Oregon. That is simply NOT how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts. (haha,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dosidella, I told you I'd make that a thing)
4. My ficlet wasn't large enough to warrant a full-fledged ginormous soundtrack this time, but I will at least shareten a small army of songs which may or may not have assisted in the writing process.
(regarding this one? I have absolutely no defense. Ha. It's been stuck in my head for DAYS though. Lord help me.)
(Oh, hi there, auditory orgasm)
(Two lovers on a park bench! Ahhhhhh, that whole monologue at the end. !!! "Impossible, you say?" AND THEN IT ENDS. I just love it.)
*edited to add: I almost forgot, I should add this one as well because after I wrote the part about the calendars being hung, the years being hanged, & the clocks hiding their faces (you guys did get the pun there, right? Clocks literally *have* faces, mechanically--AND it's a metaphor?), I totally thought of this song.
Potential SI trigger warning for the vid though (depending on your level of sensitivity), just as a heads-up.
Also, this song should probably be included too. I didn't listen to it while writing this time (unlike my first fic--some of you might remember it was on that soundtrack as well), but I thought of it & it's one of my favorite songs, so it's very possible it had an influence. AMPERSANDS, yo. Hee. I just love that word, & I love what they can represent. Connecting one thing with another. Unity. Eternity. Non-dualism. And, and, and, and, and.
At the same time, I also love being able to say, "I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand." I am my own person. Ain't no Bennifer shit goin' down here. Even so, you always ARE on one side of an ampersand, simply by existing. LIFE, IT IS COMPLICATED.
I should really stop editing this before it DOES become a ginormous soundtrack; however, this one belongs here too, hee. DAMN. Like the one above, I didn't listen to it while writing, but it's one of my favorites, and in retrospect I think the lyric, "I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall, and when we leave the landlord will come & paint over it all," might've had an influence on the "messages on the mirror/writing on the wall" theme. Of course "writing on the wall" is a fairly common idiom anyway, and I started writing about it in the first place because I had an image in my mind of her words trailing after him in the air like floating letters (hey, I often see letters & numbers in my mind's eye when I'm spelling & writing & counting--same goes for when I'm thinking of a map & remembering where a country resides--so it's not that strange). Anyway, even so, it's a somewhat similar-vibing idea, so it deserves recognition. Also, it's a fab song, and it samples Canon in D, which was my favorite song to play on the violin as a kid. Fun, fun.
FINE, I GIVE UP. This obviously wants to become a full-on giant soundtrack. TWO MORE SONGS & THAT'S IT. I've been listening to these non-stop lately, they totally make me think of Booth & Brennan, and yeah. I'm sticking them on the soundtrack simply because I can. Haha. If anything, the deal with the "parrot"? Equaled pirate in my mind, which equaled explorer, which equaled north star, which…there you go. Also, his hand "mapping" her hip, "discovering her whole". Tada! (Plus, ampersands across his ceiling? "Let's unite"? This is so their love theme.)
Re: the second song, "swirling black lilies totally ripe" = colors = wine = grapes. Just 'cause.
5. I'm about thisclose to calling Southland the BSG of cop shows. It's getting there. I can feel it. It's not *quite* there yet (Sammy held back! If he'd gone for it--and by "it", you know what I'm talking about--I would've given it that title. I was partially convinced he was about to turn the gun on himself), but it's on its way. The lighting, the gritty realism, the "We're gonna make you watch this scene with one hand over your mouth, because you KNOW WE AIN'T AFRAID TO BRING IT & we might be about to throw down, son"-shit, the acting, the *human* drama & comedy, the directing, allll of ittttt. I love it, love it, love it. I'm not at all cool with there being only a couple more eps left this season. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
Ooh, and? I have a new theme song for John Cooper. Trick love da kids!. Hahahaha. Seriously though, I love what a freakin' SOFTIE he is every time anything comes up with foster kids. He just loses his shit. Screamin' at case workers, prowling the town, you name it. Then he slowly walks up to the kid like a gentle Mama Bear (or perhaps like a lion with a thorn in its paw--so many similes, so little time), and it's like, "I'm sorry. Who are you, again? Aren't you usually the hard ass?" Hee. I LOVE HIM. He's my favorite, after Lydia.
Come to think of it, oh my God, he's kind of an Adama. I wonder if he furiously brushes his teeth in the morning with a Care Bear Glare Stare & flails paint around when he cries?
6. Parenthood last night was am-aaaaa-zing, as usual. That show really, really gets the dynamic between siblings when it comes to having an addicted/shitty parent. Everything that went down in that storyline was just A++++. Also? Ha HA! at that scene with Syd and her grandparents. I've told you guys before about the time I was a kid & my stepmom ordered me to stay at the table until I ate her taco salad, right? Yeah, I stayed there until bedtime & didn't eat a bite. I WILL NOT EAT YOUR LETTUCE, WOMAN. I TOLD YOU & YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.
The clip with Max and the TV brought back some memories for me too, I have to admit. I'd like to think of myself as having been a good kid (and I really was, considering everything I had to deal with around me), but honestly? I raised some hell at times. Only rarely to that type of degree (that I remember), but when it did happen, it would be triggered by similar things--something not being done the same way as before/as planned/feeling out of control, etc. Like, you'll notice that whole argument for him started by him being upset that she didn't start the homework at the same time that Abby (his behavioral aid) did. He expected to still be allowed to watch TV, because she hadn't followed the rules properly herself; ergo, it was irrational of her in his opinion to expect him to. In my case, the particular memory that it inspired was different, but I just remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my stepmom because she wasn't washing my hair "right" in the bathtub (obviously I was still relatively young at the time), and how she told me years later she'd end up leaving the bathroom in tears sometimes because she didn't know what to do with me. I'd freak if she didn't bend my ears down ~just right~ (so no water would go in), I'd freak if she'd use the "wrong" type of glass for rinsing out the shampoo, et cetera. It was a whole big thing. And when I say "screamed at the top of my lungs"? I mean high-pitched, full-bodied *screamed*. Sitting there shaking & bawling, having a complete breakdown. "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT! I WANT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! I TOLD YOU TO DO IT LIKE *THIS*! YOU'RE STUPID!" My dad would have to walk in & try to intervene, bla bla bla. It ended with me "teaching" her the proper methods of bath giving, and eventually she just didn't give me baths while I was there (I'd just wait to wash my hair until I got home since I couldn't rinse it myself "the right way", at least until I was older & started showering, which wasn't until I was at least eleven or so--I was intimidated/scared of the shower & remember feeling like I didn't know "how" to do it). Yeah. Er, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, MARY. Heh. God.
I'm really looking forward to next week's episode, by the way. Max learning about his ASD will make that plotline contain so much more depth than it already does, which is saying a lot. I will be really bummed if Abby stays away though. I liked her. (Jasmine bugs me, too. Ugh. I still want her on the show, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if she & Crosby are right together.)
7. I can't believe we have to wait two more weeks for Bones. What kind of shenanigans is this?
8. I really want ice cream right now. I choose to blamekeenai for this.
9. I also feel like rewatching a BSG ep right now. Which one should I choose? (I'm leaning towards "33" since I was talking about it with Jen the other day, but I'm open to recommendations)
10. My Vid of the Day today comes from thay2504. I randomly came across it on YouTube last night, and omg the flaily hands it gave me. FLAILY HANDS. That ending! Brennannnnnnnn. You are my homegiiiiiiirrrrrrl.
FIVE O'CLOCK. It's not like I've never done it before, but sheesh. That is just ri-donkey kong-ulous.
2. At least I finished my PWP ficlet last night/this morning (whatever, "time". With your "AM/PM" nonsense! I MAKE MY OWN ROTATIONAL AXIS, EARTH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Um…or something) Yay.
I do by the way consider it a fic, not a poem, although I'm okay with others calling it that if they want (which some have). I just can't deal with calling it that myself, hee. I have issues. I'll term it "creative writing" or "non-filtered-emotional-rambling" or "stream-of-consciousness-blathering", but not poetry. I wrote poetry (and called it that) as a teenager, and then my mom started writing it, and she ruined it for me by jumping on the bandwagon. Ha. Seriously. Now it's like, "I CAN'T BE LIKE HER. NO! Nooooooooo." Then I run off, screaming (figuratively).
Of course her poems are written while, y'know, HIGH. And crazy. (not to mention: bitch needs some serious classes in grammar & spelling, despite some literary potential. I'm just sayin'<---y'all know I can't handle that shit. "THE APOSTROPHE DOESN'T GO THERE! WHY DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME?!") But still. It's something I'll have to get over. The other thing is that I'm not *trying* to write it as poetry (i.e. "and here's a stanza!"). That would seem pretentious to me. It's just natural to me to write that way when I'm in ~introspective thinky-mode~, narrating the character's thoughts & feelings, as opposed to writing a scene where they're focused outward on a specific person, at least partially playing a produced role (as we all do, unconsciously or not), actually talking instead of remaining silent, etc. Things feel different, your brain works on a different level (in order to communicate), memories & associations are triggered in between actions & words in abrupt and/or vague fashions--it's just how it is. For me, anyway. The writing style *should* switch back & forth in order to feel authentic.
Anyway, that's just my thoughts on the matter. They probably make NO SENSE. Heh. Oh, well.
Regardless of the above, I'm INCREDIBLY FLATTERED by the comments (and linking/reccing!) I've received on all three of my fics so far. The fact that people *think* of it as poetry? And like it? (I was compared to T.S. Eliot, dude. I can't even) It just really means a lot. Knowing that I can do something right now that brings happiness to people. It's like I matter in some way, you know? Even if only for that. Even if just for now. It's something to hold onto & one small reason to try to keep going. I can do SOMETHING right. Maybe. Just maybe. At least for some people. Not everyone, I'm sure (it's just a freaking online fanfic--not a cure for cancer). But for some. You know?
So, yes. I just wanted you guys to know your support really helps me right now, especially because of how alone I feel in my life in general. I don't want to *rely* on that support, but I definitely appreciate it. It's like a gift, and in my experience, one thanks people for a gift. Hence the above thanking.
3. There are legit snowflakes mixed in outside with the rain right now. It's almost March, yo. This is Oregon. That is simply NOT how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts. (haha,
dosidella, I told you I'd make that a thing) 4. My ficlet wasn't large enough to warrant a full-fledged ginormous soundtrack this time, but I will at least share
(regarding this one? I have absolutely no defense. Ha. It's been stuck in my head for DAYS though. Lord help me.)
(Oh, hi there, auditory orgasm)
(Two lovers on a park bench! Ahhhhhh, that whole monologue at the end. !!! "Impossible, you say?" AND THEN IT ENDS. I just love it.)
*edited to add: I almost forgot, I should add this one as well because after I wrote the part about the calendars being hung, the years being hanged, & the clocks hiding their faces (you guys did get the pun there, right? Clocks literally *have* faces, mechanically--AND it's a metaphor?), I totally thought of this song.
Potential SI trigger warning for the vid though (depending on your level of sensitivity), just as a heads-up.
Also, this song should probably be included too. I didn't listen to it while writing this time (unlike my first fic--some of you might remember it was on that soundtrack as well), but I thought of it & it's one of my favorite songs, so it's very possible it had an influence. AMPERSANDS, yo. Hee. I just love that word, & I love what they can represent. Connecting one thing with another. Unity. Eternity. Non-dualism. And, and, and, and, and.
At the same time, I also love being able to say, "I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand." I am my own person. Ain't no Bennifer shit goin' down here. Even so, you always ARE on one side of an ampersand, simply by existing. LIFE, IT IS COMPLICATED.
I should really stop editing this before it DOES become a ginormous soundtrack; however, this one belongs here too, hee. DAMN. Like the one above, I didn't listen to it while writing, but it's one of my favorites, and in retrospect I think the lyric, "I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall, and when we leave the landlord will come & paint over it all," might've had an influence on the "messages on the mirror/writing on the wall" theme. Of course "writing on the wall" is a fairly common idiom anyway, and I started writing about it in the first place because I had an image in my mind of her words trailing after him in the air like floating letters (hey, I often see letters & numbers in my mind's eye when I'm spelling & writing & counting--same goes for when I'm thinking of a map & remembering where a country resides--so it's not that strange). Anyway, even so, it's a somewhat similar-vibing idea, so it deserves recognition. Also, it's a fab song, and it samples Canon in D, which was my favorite song to play on the violin as a kid. Fun, fun.
FINE, I GIVE UP. This obviously wants to become a full-on giant soundtrack. TWO MORE SONGS & THAT'S IT. I've been listening to these non-stop lately, they totally make me think of Booth & Brennan, and yeah. I'm sticking them on the soundtrack simply because I can. Haha. If anything, the deal with the "parrot"? Equaled pirate in my mind, which equaled explorer, which equaled north star, which…there you go. Also, his hand "mapping" her hip, "discovering her whole". Tada! (Plus, ampersands across his ceiling? "Let's unite"? This is so their love theme.)
Re: the second song, "swirling black lilies totally ripe" = colors = wine = grapes. Just 'cause.
5. I'm about thisclose to calling Southland the BSG of cop shows. It's getting there. I can feel it. It's not *quite* there yet (Sammy held back! If he'd gone for it--and by "it", you know what I'm talking about--I would've given it that title. I was partially convinced he was about to turn the gun on himself), but it's on its way. The lighting, the gritty realism, the "We're gonna make you watch this scene with one hand over your mouth, because you KNOW WE AIN'T AFRAID TO BRING IT & we might be about to throw down, son"-shit, the acting, the *human* drama & comedy, the directing, allll of ittttt. I love it, love it, love it. I'm not at all cool with there being only a couple more eps left this season. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
Ooh, and? I have a new theme song for John Cooper. Trick love da kids!. Hahahaha. Seriously though, I love what a freakin' SOFTIE he is every time anything comes up with foster kids. He just loses his shit. Screamin' at case workers, prowling the town, you name it. Then he slowly walks up to the kid like a gentle Mama Bear (or perhaps like a lion with a thorn in its paw--so many similes, so little time), and it's like, "I'm sorry. Who are you, again? Aren't you usually the hard ass?" Hee. I LOVE HIM. He's my favorite, after Lydia.
Come to think of it, oh my God, he's kind of an Adama. I wonder if he furiously brushes his teeth in the morning with a Care Bear Glare Stare & flails paint around when he cries?
6. Parenthood last night was am-aaaaa-zing, as usual. That show really, really gets the dynamic between siblings when it comes to having an addicted/shitty parent. Everything that went down in that storyline was just A++++. Also? Ha HA! at that scene with Syd and her grandparents. I've told you guys before about the time I was a kid & my stepmom ordered me to stay at the table until I ate her taco salad, right? Yeah, I stayed there until bedtime & didn't eat a bite. I WILL NOT EAT YOUR LETTUCE, WOMAN. I TOLD YOU & YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.
The clip with Max and the TV brought back some memories for me too, I have to admit. I'd like to think of myself as having been a good kid (and I really was, considering everything I had to deal with around me), but honestly? I raised some hell at times. Only rarely to that type of degree (that I remember), but when it did happen, it would be triggered by similar things--something not being done the same way as before/as planned/feeling out of control, etc. Like, you'll notice that whole argument for him started by him being upset that she didn't start the homework at the same time that Abby (his behavioral aid) did. He expected to still be allowed to watch TV, because she hadn't followed the rules properly herself; ergo, it was irrational of her in his opinion to expect him to. In my case, the particular memory that it inspired was different, but I just remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my stepmom because she wasn't washing my hair "right" in the bathtub (obviously I was still relatively young at the time), and how she told me years later she'd end up leaving the bathroom in tears sometimes because she didn't know what to do with me. I'd freak if she didn't bend my ears down ~just right~ (so no water would go in), I'd freak if she'd use the "wrong" type of glass for rinsing out the shampoo, et cetera. It was a whole big thing. And when I say "screamed at the top of my lungs"? I mean high-pitched, full-bodied *screamed*. Sitting there shaking & bawling, having a complete breakdown. "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT! I WANT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! I TOLD YOU TO DO IT LIKE *THIS*! YOU'RE STUPID!" My dad would have to walk in & try to intervene, bla bla bla. It ended with me "teaching" her the proper methods of bath giving, and eventually she just didn't give me baths while I was there (I'd just wait to wash my hair until I got home since I couldn't rinse it myself "the right way", at least until I was older & started showering, which wasn't until I was at least eleven or so--I was intimidated/scared of the shower & remember feeling like I didn't know "how" to do it). Yeah. Er, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, MARY. Heh. God.
I'm really looking forward to next week's episode, by the way. Max learning about his ASD will make that plotline contain so much more depth than it already does, which is saying a lot. I will be really bummed if Abby stays away though. I liked her. (Jasmine bugs me, too. Ugh. I still want her on the show, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure if she & Crosby are right together.)
7. I can't believe we have to wait two more weeks for Bones. What kind of shenanigans is this?
8. I really want ice cream right now. I choose to blame
keenai for this. 9. I also feel like rewatching a BSG ep right now. Which one should I choose? (I'm leaning towards "33" since I was talking about it with Jen the other day, but I'm open to recommendations)
10. My Vid of the Day today comes from thay2504. I randomly came across it on YouTube last night, and omg the flaily hands it gave me. FLAILY HANDS. That ending! Brennannnnnnnn. You are my homegiiiiiiirrrrrrl.
