rachg82

This weekend has been not at all productive; however, in my defense, my stomach is acting like a jerkface. The thing is: when you're not used to eating very much? You can't suddenly change things around by gobbling up a bunch of fatty crap. BBQ chicken pizza & cinnamon sticks are great & all, but only when they actually *stay in your body* for a normal length of time. Ugh.

TMI, I know. Sorry. Point is: I spent most of the day sleeping (I took an anti-nausea med & those knock me OUT) & pretty much nothing was accomplished. Hopefully I can at least do some laundry & go to the grocery store tomorrow to buy some healthier food options. I think I'll wait on clothes-shopping until Monday.

On a weird note, twice this morning while I was half-awake I thought I heard knocking (well, more like slamming) on my front door, along with my mom's voice yelling & the door knob being jostled. Each time I fully woke up enough to look at the clock (first time was 8:30 a.m. & the second time was around eleven a.m.), but due to me having been only partially awake/still groggy, I couldn't tell later if it had actually happened. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm in bed "waking up", you see (but they're normally followed by typical dreamy stuff). It didn't feel like I was still dreaming though, and I clearly remember thinking to myself that I was going to just ignore her & go back to sleep (which I did). The reason I think it must've been a dream though is that there aren't any emails in my spam folder. I can't imagine she would've dragged her crazy ass over here without writing me some uber nutty nonsense either before or after. Even so, it freaked me out. Once I have the money, I'd really like to move & change my number. I'd still stay in the Portland area, but at least then it would be somewhere my mom/stepdad/sister don't know of. I just want to move on, y'know? Clean break.

In other news: the BSG rewatch continues. I'm done with the first four eps of season 3 (New Capricaaaaa[/flailing]). So good. So, SO good. The "refugees return" scene in particular still kills me (the saluting, the cheering, poor Tigh & Kara all alone--I can't even deal). That whole arc though is just brilliant, period. One of these days I'd like to write up all the reasons why I love it--much as I did with Pegasus--but for now it'll have to wait. I'll just say, it's a prime example for why smart people are drawn to the show. It's not just what happens there, or how it's filmed (wonderfully, btw--the lighting, gah), or how on-point the acting is; it's also about the political issues that are addressed. The occupation, the insurgents, the suicide bombings, the detention center, the refugees dealing with their anger/trauma later, ALL OF IT. It's so layered & not at all black & white. Bad guys do good things & good guys do bad things. I JUST LOVE IT, God.

And if you think I'm messing around, this is all I have to say:



YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. My show got invited to the U.N. Did yours? (P.S. They also won a Peabody + Time Magazine named it the best show of the year in 2005 + bla bla etc…)

Anyway, heh. You get the idea. IT'S GOOD. WATCH IT.

Lastly, remember the ongoing commitment/resolution I've been setting for myself when it comes to living? (obviously it's not just about that--it's also about calling a hotline or going to the hospital if I feel incapable of keeping it) Well, the last one was until the end of March. I'm still getting occasional thoughts--I don't think I need to specify. You guys know what I mean--but they're not as frequent/intense. Obviously I would prefer to not have them at all, but it's still progress. That being said, I'm aware that the next few months feel tenuous--not just because starting a new job is potentially stressful for me (change), but because of Mother's Day in May & my nephew's birthday in July. I got through both events last year, though, which is reassuring. Still, I remember how bad my depression got around that time, so my resolution for now is just until the end of May. That feels manageable. At that point, I can extend it to the end of July. Two months at a time, you know? It makes it less difficult, at least for now. I hope I'm in a confident enough place mentally by the end of July, however, to simply say, "I'm here 'til the end of the year, no matter what" like I did last year. Obviously, I did end up calling a hotline in September, so it's not like the commitment somehow means I'm promising I'll *want* to live until that date, but in my opinion my resolution there is largely what got me to pick up the phone in the first place. So, yeah. It's important.

That's it for now. I'm going to either work on my fic or try to go back to bed. For my Vid of the Day, I have a happy tribute to the women of Firefly, made by yfish42. Despite the fact that I forgot to add it to my 2010 Soundtrack, this song was absolutely one of my themes regarding my family last year. I wouldn't have thought to pair it up with this show on my own, but it works nicely.

I'm so bored I feel like I need a survey to fill out or something. Why isn't there more fanfic for Bones being written? I suppose I could write some, but meh. I'm tired. (DAMN ENNUI.)

I just feel like sleeping. And then sleeping some more. And after that? Perhaps a nap.

In my defense, my sinuses & right ear hurt. I'm not sure if it's allergies (I have hay fever & my body basically hates me year-round) or an actual cold, or what, but still. Can that be my excuse?

Of course my jaw also hurts. I REALLY need to remember to wear my bite guard at night. TMJ, stupid! You grind your teeth! Stop acting like you don't know this!

Okay, I'm done complaining now. Promise.

To (temporarily) cure my boredom, let's be narcissistic and talk about ourselves, shall we? I love personality tests, and softly_me talked about this first, so she started it. We can blame her.

Now, before we begin, join in on the fun & see which type you are.

Since I apparently like to be complicated, I remember getting INFJ a couple times when I was younger (like, teenager/early twenties-younger); however, since I've gotten older I always get INTJ every time I take it, no matter when & no matter where. At least the I-N-J are all consistent. Heh. To be real though, it's not actually surprising to me. For one, INTJ describes me *really* well, in a lot of ways (I laughed while reading most of it. Heh. SO accurate). And where it lacks, INFJ pops in--describing the parts of my heart that ARE there (that my trusted friends see), the things I do care about, the way I choose specific people to confide in, and the fact that I naturally am drawn towards writing, etc. I think, in the end, I'm a funky-ass hybrid mix of the two.

In other words: God help me & those I associate with. Haha.

Except I totally agree with & am proud of the fact that it said my relationships are characterized by consistency, communication, directness, and my ability to "work at" them. That is absolutely true. I may not have a million people in my life, but those I do keep? I take very seriously.

Anyhoo, moving on: I have another song-that-needs-to-be-a-fanvid for you guys. Of course none of these will probably ever be made into vids, but PISH POSH. No matter. Consider it like a really slow-going WIP fanmix. Ha. Aaand to make things even more interesting this time, I'm not even gonna tell you which pairing it's for/whose pov it's meant to be from. I wanna see who can guess correctly. Get to it!.

Lastly, it looks like my subconscious isn't done torturing me yet. I hope you all don't mind me talking about it here. If you do, just skip it. ( My brain doesn't think Europeans can drive )

I think I'm gonna spend a few hours now watching TV, but what to watch? I'm feeling a strange & utter random urge to watch Sex & the City. I think it's *just* light & fluffy enough to fit the bill. I need something cracky right now.

For my Vid of the Day though, I'm gonna go with something totally different. Remember when I used to talk about Dollhouse on here all the time? Let's bring it back for a moment. THEY MADE THEIR OWN FANVID FOR IT, Y'ALL. How have I never seen this before?!

I'm so excited. Not only does Southland finally, FINALLY return this week on TNT (alieahoihoiheaigh), but Parenthood does as well. Jump onboard, folks. You won't be sorry. (For realio--we're talkin' a mini Bones/Zack, here. I want to cuddle him forever & ever. Not to mention Lauren Graham. What more do you need? Aaaand if that doesn't work for you, Southland has Regina King. With a shotgun. Bam.)

P.S. for those who want to catch up? ON DEMAND. Check it.

It's also possible I may be giving The Closer a chance, simply because Mary McDonnell's character & Kyra clearly need to make sweet, sweet sapphic love down by the fire. Bow chica chica *oonst oonst*. . .

What?

In other news: I've been considering my next fanfic and it may or may not involve alcohol & a cracky costume party (take my idea & I'll pull a Stabby McKnifey on ya[/impotent & endearingly non-threatening affect]). We shall see. I was chatting all evening with keenai on New Years Eve, and told her I'd been planning for Brennan to dress up like either Margaret Mead or some tribal type and she was like "SNOOKIE!" and I died laughing. NO PROMISES though.

I'd also like to do something where she & Cam become besties. I have many ideas. Too many, frankly. CUT IT OUT, BRAIN.

I think I'm going to take a long jaunty woodland walk tomorrow so they can all simmer.

In other, other fannish news: remember the 51 Things Picspam I did last year, comparing what X-Files, Bones, Buffy, Angel, Dollhouse, & Battlestar Galactica all had in common? And how I kept adding to the tag as time went on? Right, well, ( time to add to it again )

While I'm jumping headfirst into my newfound River love too, I had to share a few more reasons for those of you who haven't watched Firefly yet to give it a chance. ( Summer Glau + space = win. Simple equation. )

In non-fannish news: My sister emailed me to say thank you for the gift I sent my nephew & niece, but managed to still be all mindfucky about it (not a surprise). Doesn't know why I deleted her off facebook. Really, Corinne? Really? After everything? After the tantrum, the abusive insults, the betrayal of trust? Ugh. And of course no mention of having the kids call me/etc, despite the fact that my gift invited them to contact me directly. Nope, of course it's about her wanting to talk to me & that's it, and how it's a "shame" I won't do that. Sorry, that's not happening right now. Go away. Talking to you equals a predictable cycle of drama & fuckery & I'm just so, so over it. Not to mention how over your games I am and how you keep your kids away from me when I don't let you have your way. Go screw yourself.

Ahhh, that felt good.

Needless to say, I didn't bother responding. I'm just in no mood to engage her right now. She needs to get a grip if she's going to ever re-enter my life. I thought when I began talking to her again in August that we could try having a relationship even though she was still wrapped up in my family's drama & hadn't gotten herself help, but it didn't work. I think it's kind of like when you're a recovering addict, they tell you to step away from friends who are still drinking/using/etc. I can't move on if I'm still constantly being pulled down by people who are drowning & have no intention of reaching for a lifevest, especially when they want to push me under as well. Which is exactly what my sister does, and then she blames me for caring afterward. It's just not okay.

I've just got to allow myself a clean break. Move on. And have faith that someday, one way or another, I will see my nephew & niece again. I don't know what will happen in the meantime, but I'm going to try--for once in my freaking life--not to overthink it. I need to focus on me. I NEED TO. I've got to take care of me, which I haven't been doing that great a job of for quite some time now. Whatever happens, I need to have faith Jayden will know I always loved him. That's what matters to me the most, honestly.

Wrapping this up, let's go with an Angel Vid of the Day (by iBadFred) to round out the "strangely literal & abrupt women" love affair above. This vid is like an HBIC wet dream of ass-kickin' goodness & is seriously making me question my own judgment as to why I don't own season 5 of this show on DVD yet. What the Hell, self.

Well, at least now I've filed for unemployment. I should've done so immediately, but the service was temporarily down when I first tried, and after that I honestly wasn't really functional myself for a while there. It didn't matter as this whole week (my first week not working) is a waiting week anyway, but still. It's good I got it done. Now I just need to register for the thingamabob for finding work and wait until Sunday so I can claim this week as the joyful waiting week (i.e. the one I don't get paid for). Next up, food stamps. Yay.

Actually, first up before that: shower. I figure that might be good since I haven't taken one since Saturday. And then food. No, Rachael, not cereal or a slim-fast shake. Actual food. And then laundry. And hopefully a walk to the park as I really, really want one. But food first so I don't, y'know, pass out. (seriously, I have been having the heaviest effing period ever, and it is SO not helping my tiredness. It's like, "Need to eat! But I have no appetite. But I need to eat! But I have no food. But I'm too tired, poor, & depressed to go get food! FUCK IT, I'LL JUST GO SLEEP.")

Ten (non-existent) bucks says my diet will move along like GANGBUSTERS now that I'm unemployed. Um, bright side?

It bothers me that only two coworkers have written me so far. Not even Nicole has, who has me friended on Facebook and has updated her own status since (talking about work like everything's normal, not even mentioning my absence). I guess it shows you who actually cares about you, eh? I'm just kind of surprised is all. She sat next to me & talked to me everyday, and I thought we were friends. She asked me questions constantly & I helped train her on non-purchasers only a month ago. Now I wonder if that was all just fake. I figured I'd at least get a simple "hey, are you okay?" message from her. Same goes for Marie, my "Work Mommy Version 1.0". Whatever. Sometimes I just don't understand people.

At least the two who did write me are there though. I do appreciate them. I may go to a movie (if/when I can afford it) with one of them soonish, but we'll see. It's the one who was a little batshit about race before, but I'm willing to give her a second chance because I know she's bipolar and she's normally never been crazy acting like that otherwise. I know from personal experience my mom would get like that too if her meds weren't right or she was manic, so I'll cut her slack & see if she gets that way again & whether she's worth dealing with (depending on the circumstances--i.e. what's causing her behavior and what she's doing to address it).

Continuing my "get my emotions out with no filter" project from before, I wrote a little bit more today. I think this is good for me, and I'm going to continue it until it feels like the right time to stop. Everything's still sort of pent-up inside, and if this is what it takes to get it out, so be it. It doesn't matter if some of it makes sense only to me, or if others relate to it, or if it's good, or if it sucks. It only matters if it's true.

( To my sister. . . )

For my Vid of the Day today, I'm going to go with an Angel vid (by visitjessiechan) in honor of the conversation I had with dosidella last weekend about how much we both loved the Illyria arc in season 5. Oh, Amy Acker. Way to rip my heart out in grief with the loss of one character & then make me fall in love with the one who killed her. What's THAT about?

Why am I updating when I'm so exhausted I feel like I'm going to fall asleep in this chair? Sometimes sense-making & I don't get along so well.

But I do have a few things I feel like writing about, so let's see how quickly I can get through them before I actually do pass out on my keyboard, shall we?

( Ten random things of randomness )

Three things:

1. Meme stolen from torigates: Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like you. Then repost this and spread the love

( 2. My reactions to Avatar. *puts on analysis hat* )

( 3. Dollhouse: Getting Closer )

( 4. Bones: The Dentist in the Ditch )

The calendar is trying to tell me that I'm 28 years old today. Well, yesterday actually since now it's past midnight, but whatever. I personally think it's lying because I swear I was just 21 last week. Damn, time is some weird shit, you know? One minute you're this:



. . .and the next minute you're two years away from 30 and wondering how the hell it happened. What's that about?

Anyway, so my birthday was all right I guess. ( Kind of sucky, but it had its positive moments as well. )

Re: why I'm excited tonight? Three reasons:

1. The girl I've been filling in for at work has finally returned, thus allowing me to return to my normal position and escape from all the shady, lying, whiny non-compliant bitches customers that make me want to bust a cap in someone's ass. Also? It means I can finally start getting caught up on my own work, freeing the perfectionist in me to relax & stop breathing into a metaphorical paper bag everytime I think about how far behind I am. Good times!

2. Bones is back! And I'm particularly excited to watch tonight's ep. (britishwannabe1, I know you're right there with me on why!)

3. Dollhouse tomorrow night! Hells yes, I CANNOT WAIT. This show has gotten so damn good the last few weeks that I don't know how I'm going to deal with the fact that there are only two episodes left. Gah. To the BSG fans on my flist: you know that scene with Adama & the paint? Right. ~That may be me next Friday~. Haha. Okay, so no, not really. But still. THERE WILL BE POUTING, OH YES.

And speaking of Dollhouse, I finally watched Epitaph One this week and also finished getting caught up with season two, and I am just about bursting at the seams to flail all over the place about it. Seriously. I took notes and everything. And you *know* that's when I mean business with my recaps/reviews. WHEN THERE'S NOTES. Ha.

To make it easier though, I'm only gonna write about one of the episodes tonight ("Stop-Loss"), as I know I'll have A LOT to say about the next few, and while I may type up to 100 words per minute, girlfriend can still only write so much in a single sitting. Heh. Like, cool your jets there, Longwinded McGee.

Oh, and P.S. While I'm at it, I'll also throw in my reactions to last night's Modern Family too. Which I am still loving, btw.

Real quick before I do that though? I thought I'd chime in on ConanGate while I had the time:

Dear NBC,

Stop being such a bag of douche. You're embarassing yourself.

Yours truly,
Rachael.

~That is all~. Heh. And now for the TV Ramblage!

( Modern Family )

( Dollhouse: Stop-Loss )

Today's been a good day overall, I have to say. I didn't have to go to work, I continued my marathon with Gilmore Girls & Buffy (I decided to leave X-Files & Bones for last), and this evening I made a batch of the best cookies in the history of the world (peanut butter cookies with reeces peanut butter cups stuck inside). Seriously, I know I'm prone to hyperbole and all, but they are freaking ridonkulously good. It was really funny too, because I NEVER bake anything from scratch, like ever, so when I told my mom what I was doing over the phone, her response was all "by yourself?" With this like ~concerned tone~. Haha. I was like "I'll be okay, I promise."

I had a funny trip to the store too. First off, I got hollared at on my way home, which made no sense at all because A. I didn't even take a shower today and I just had my hair thrown up in a messy ponytail, and B. I had nothing even remotely approaching sexy on as I was all bundled up against the cold. And yet I got the drive-by action anyway, plus this super entertaining exchange with the cashier before I left:

Cashier: How old are you?
Me: *eyes him* Why?
Cashier: Well, 'cause I can't really tell, I was just curious, and uh. . .
Me: 27. How old are you?
Cashier: 19.
Me: Good to know.
Cashier: I just wanted to know, 'cause like, you never know when you might need that info.
Me: Uh-huh
Cashier: There might be some life or death situation or something.
Me: Right
Cashier: Like, what if you were being mugged out in the parking lot, and the guy was like "I need to know how old you are or else!" I could help!
Me: Well, if that happens I'll think of you.
Cashier: Yeah, yeah. Well, um, Merry Christmas!

Hahahaha. Most random moment of random ever. WAY TO HIT ON A WOMAN BY ASKING THEM THEIR AGE, DUDE. NOT SO SUAVE. But, hey, you gotta hand it to him with the save there. What if you were being mugged! Hee. The person standing behind me in line was just like "WTF?"

Anyway, so that was my day. Now I'm gonna mix up a mug of hot chocolate & then get my little butt to bed (my family isn't getting together until early afternoon tomorrow, hence why I'm not in bed already). Before I do that though, I felt inspired to share a few of my favorite moments & lines from the episodes I already watched today (and of course there'll be a Vid of the Day as well, this time one for each show because I like to spoil you all like that).

( Buffy )

( Gilmore Girls )

( Vid(s) of the Day )