rachg82

I thought it was time to create a master list for my fics, so here's where I do that. These will be separated by show & listed in the order in which they were written:

Bones:

One Eye Pointed Upwards

Sunlight on a Broken Column

The Candle in His Hand

Leaves Got Up in a Coil and Hissed

Abandon

Doing Time

Collide

Cradle and All

Battlestar Galactica:

Bend Down and Whisper

The X-Files:

Epiphany

Three Wishes

Shouting Into a Hurricane

Lift Your Head Up in the Wind

Hello, all! Some of you long-time friends of mine might remember how I used to do "Year in Review" posts every January, and how in 2009/2010 I actually did an overly ambitious Decade in Review (for those who are curious, here's Part One and Part Two from that), which involved gathering together excerpts from all my most notable journal entries between 2002 (when I started my journal) and 2009. Even though hardly any of my old online pals ever visit LJ anymore (it's just me and the Russians now, lol), and even though my "real life" friends might take a look at the length of this post and run screaming in the opposite direction, I still felt drawn to making another Decade in Review post this year. I'm sure it will be the last of its kind that I do on LiveJournal because frankly I'd be surprised if the site were even still around five years from now, let alone ten. But anyone who knows me well knows I'm resistant AF to change. So I will probably be clutching onto this site 'til the very end, whenever that is.

Anyway though. God, ramble much? My point is: This post contains memorable or significant quotes from entries I wrote over the past 10 years. There is a lot of vulnerability in here, and it gets dark at points. So if you're dealing with depression or self-harm yourself, you may want to set this aside to read at a later date. But if you do feel up to reading this, my hopes would be that people leave with a better understanding of who I am, what I've been through, and why recovery means so much to me. So much of it is hard to explain now, but I managed to do a pretty good job of it at the time.

P.S. Also? It's been my dream since I was a teenager to someday write and publish my own memoir, so if people find this engaging to read, that will boost my confidence a little bit in that area. You never know! Maybe one of these days, I'll do it.

( Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time )

And that's it, folks! If any of you actually read this to the end, I commend you! I know it's long as hell, but hopefully it speaks to someone, somewhere. I'm glad I didn't know 10 years ago everything I'd have to go through between then and now, but I'm also proud of how I've grown and evolved. It shows me that changes for the better are possible, even if they are utterly unforeseen and long overdue. I hope that 10 years from now, I'm able to say the same thing.

Well, it's the start of a new year, and you know what that means! Time to gather together my memories of 2017 (which was mostly a dumpster fire of a year, politically speaking, but not altogether horrible for me on a personal level), and mush them together as one big Year in Review post. I realize that next to no one will read this, what with how very few of my friends still check this journal on a regular basis, but just for myself I would like to keep this tradition going at least one more year. It helps me learn from the hard times & celebrate the good, and fortunately there were more good times this year than bad.

In retrospect, 2016 was all about me climbing out of the deep hole of numb despair, helpless fear, and compulsive habits of self-harm & substance abuse that I'd fallen into over the previous 6 years. 2017, in contrast, was mostly about me attempting to stay out of that hole, and to continue moving forward on level ground. Looking back, I think I did pretty well with that. I didn't intentionally cut, scratch, or burn myself once. I never again found myself methodically planning my own suicide. And despite how many awful panic attacks I was faced with (turns out there's a reason benzos have such an infamous reputation in the recovery community -- the rebound anxiety of abruptly quitting them is brutal even months later), I never reacted by popping so many pills that I wasn't sure I would wake back up if I happened to fall asleep. I never again found myself writing a hasty suicide note because I couldn't bear to go to the hospital one more time just in case I had gone too far. I had brief periods where I felt like giving up, but I never did. Today, I keep my home clean. I actually do laundry. I wash my freaking face. I don't go weeks without showering or 6 months without vacuuming. I've learned a whole new instrument. I have friends. I'm trying online dating. I'm volunteering (albeit only once a month, but everyone has to start somewhere), working the steps, and being of service at meetings. I even found the most un-churchy of churches to attend. Things are better, and I have hope. I know it's a work-in-progress, and that my next major focus needs to be on diet & exercise, but things are going in an upward direction now, rather than a continually tumbling snowball of destruction. That means something to me.

So with all that said, let's get to it!

P.S. This post will obviously consist of quotes from throughout the year, but there will also be pictures & a few vids. Enjoy!

( I hope you find your peace, falling on your knees… )

So that's it! Goodbye, 2017; hello, 2018. Sometime in the next few days I will try to be back with a soundtrack, but for now I'd like to wish you all a very happy new year, and thank you for still being here after 15 long & verbose years.

For anyone observant enough to notice my mood status, the reason I'm currently sore is because I had the super-duper-fun experience of having one of my big toenails removed yesterday. (Sorry. TMI, I know. But if I had to go through it, I'm taking the whole world down with me.) Turns out it was indeed infected again, and as it wasn't clearing up with antibiotics, and as the nail was still stubbornly ingrown on both sides, they decided to just take the sucker out. Again. I handled the actual procedure like a pro, but the level of pain since then has been awful -- much worse than when they only removed part of the nail last time, and much, much worse than what the internet tells you to expect (what they should say is, "Just imagine your foot somehow caught on fire, and then afterward tiny gnomes came by with little daggers & stabbed the shit out of it"). They did give me something for it, and the pain is a lot better than it was last night, but it still hurts, and overall this whole mess is making me feel very, very sorry for myself.

Anyway. That's not why I wanted to post today. I've been meaning to talk about TV stuff forever, and I figure now's as good a time as any:

-First up, The X-Files. I heard the news this week about it returning for a 10-episode run, and my reaction was (and still is), "Uhhhhh…shit. I mean yay, right? Yay. Kind of." So a qualified yay, I suppose. It's a stark contrast to how I felt before the revival though. There were a couple episodes from that which I enjoyed, and it did inspire me to write two new fics, but those final two episodes were truly terrible (the conspiracy retcon made zero sense, the islamophobia was embarrassing, and how the fuck was Cancer Man still alive?! God damn't, Carter). So while I'm always down to see Mulder & Scully again (especially if it inspires new fic from my blocked muse, and especially-especially if we get any decent shipper scenes), I am already cringing at what Carter might do next. Give me some time though, because I'm sure as it gets closer, I will become more excited again (totally against my better judgment at this point, heh).

Prayer circle that we get to see Gillian's real hair this time though. Good God, that wig -- Jesus, take the wheel!

-Moving on, I am simultaneously totally psyched and ridiculously sad over the fact that Bates Motel is ending on Monday. When I thought about it last week, I actually surprised myself by shedding a tear, haha. I never even got into the fandom or anything (though I still really want to try writing a fic at some point), and I only discovered the show last summer, so it's kind of absurd to be all woebegone about its departure, but maybe that's kind of the point. I wish I'd had more time with it. Of course I can still rewatch it whenever I want, thanks to Netflix, but it's not the same as looking forward to new episodes. I will miss Vera killing me dead every week, and I will miss the campy craziness, and I will miss going down spectacularly with my ship. This show has given me so much happiness over the last few months especially, when I really needed it, and I will probably cry again when it's over.

-Next up, Six Feet Under, which took me well over a year to finish because I had to take a break from it for a while (the subject matter was too triggering for me while I was still depressed & already thinking of death enough as it was), but I'm glad I went back to it once that was no longer the case. Overall, the show started out good and finished off great. Not only did it have possibly the best series finale I've ever seen (its reputation for that is worth the hype -- it really is beautiful), but in general it got stronger as it went along, right up to the end. That's a rare feat. Most shows that get better & better still eventually reach a point where they begin declining again in some way. But Six Feet Under went out on top. I'm sure part of that is because they aired on cable, so not only did they have greater artistic liberty, but it also meant each season was shorter, so while it technically ended after five seasons, that really put it only in the third season of your average broadcast program. If The X-Files for instance had ended in its third season, it would've gone out on top too, though I doubt Carter's ability to write a decent finale at this point. Regardless, there's still something to be said for knowing when to wrap up a story vs. dragging it out forever. (*cough*Bones*cough*) So even though I didn't *want* it to end when it did, I admire their restraint in letting it bow out gracefully.

In the end, it actually turned out to be quite life-affirming for me too, which I didn't expect. And while it took me a while to warm up to the characters, I definitely care about them now. I still can't decide who's my favorite though. I think I relate the most to David, but Ruth is kind of amazing. So that's a toss-up.

-I tried getting into House of Cards, but I kept zoning out while trying to follow its dialogue & plot. I could not for the life of me keep track of what the hell was actually happening. Like, "Okay, so he's up to some political shenanigans because…why? Fuck if I know. Is this over yet?" So after a few episodes I gave up. I might give it another chance in the future, because maybe at a later date I'll be less distracted & able to get engaged by it, but for now it's not for me.

-Another show I'm debating giving up is Homeland. I'm only one season in, and I only vaguely care about what happens next. I could really take it or leave it. And since this is supposed to be when the show was at its best (right?), I don't think that's a good sign. Also, their portrayal of mania was laughably bad. Like BAD, BAD. So they lost a lot of points from me there.

Oh, and while I'm not sure if this is a popular opinion or not: Brody can suck it. Just saying.

-I also started Masters of Sex recently, and so far it's promising. Especially the chemistry between the leads. Very shippable, and very sexy. Since I'm not even a full season in though, I can't say much else.

-Finally, I binged 13 Reasons Why in two days this week, and while I was nitpicking it for a while at first (I think I perversely wanted to not like it since everyone else seems to love it, ha), by the end I had to grudgingly admit it was a good show. I won't say anything to spoil anyone, but I will say that I wish I had kept my eyes closed during the flashback scene of her in the tub. That kind of shit is still too much for me.

Wrapping this up, here's a tribute vid to Six Feet Under by one of my favorite vidders. There aren't really any spoilers -- it just gives you a taste.

Hello, people. I know I haven't posted in a while -- I just haven't felt like going to the trouble, especially because there are so few people left now to read it, let alone people who actually comment. But I finished a new poem, mainly inspired by the 5-year anniversary of my mom's death (this coming-up Monday), and I thought I might as well share it along with some quick highlights of what's been going on with me.

-I performed at a talent show at the Alano Club here in Portland this past Saturday, reading this poem, and got a great reaction. I even made one woman cry! (I probably shouldn't be so happy about that, haha) I feel proud of myself for doing it, because it took a lot of guts in my opinion, and it reaffirmed for me my dreams of becoming a published writer. So all in all it was a positive experience.

-I went to an orientation last week at the 13 Salmon Family Center (a day shelter for homeless families provided by Portland Homeless Family Solutions), and my first shift will be in April. They don't require a huge time commitment -- they just ask for volunteers to do at least one shift a month, which can be anytime. The two positions I'm interested in (I can go back & forth) are the afternoon host & the kid-time host, neither of which last more than 3 hours (which is important to me as I don't want to overwhelm myself). The duties are super simple, and mainly include hanging with the families, playing with the kids, and putting together snacks. I'm still a little nervous about it, though, but also excited. Portland has a huge homeless problem that's only gotten a million times worse over the last decade or so, largely thanks to the huge influx of people moving here from out-of-state, and I just want to do something to help. Plus, it will hopefully provide me with a greater sense of purpose, being unemployed & on disability myself, and maybe in the long run could provide a stepping stone to at least get back to doing part-time work.

-I have an appointment tomorrow with a weight loss program at my doctor's office. It's only an orientation though -- just a chance to talk about what the program has to offer, and what the costs would be. I'm still totally undecided as to whether I'll move forward with it, but I felt like it was worth my time to at least look into it. My last time on the scale was a rude awakening; I am literally more than double what I once was. It's not even about wanting to look skinny again though. I mean, yes, I would like that to happen, but mainly I'm just tired of being tired. I feel so heavy, like I'm dragging around another person with me everywhere I go, and in a sense I guess I am. So I'm curious what they would have to say, especially in light of the fact that some of my meds are probably exacerbating the problem (both the fatigue & being hungry all the time). I'm not really at a place where I'm ready to change those meds yet, but I'd like to know if they have strategies I could use to fight those side-effects until I am ready.

-As I said above, it will be the 5th anniversary of my mom's death on 3/27. My emotions have been pretty volatile for most of this month, and I've been left feeling very drained & raw. It's hard to even write about it, honestly. I just feel like I'm constantly reliving that devastating day, and so it's been a challenge at times to stay grounded. I had a ridiculous meltdown over nothing yesterday, and while talking about it later my counselor was like, "Do you think it could be that you're just deeply sad?" And it was like, well, considering how much my heart physically hurts right now, I'd say probably yeah. It sucks.

Part of what's been making it hard is the fact that it's been FIVE YEARS. It just feels like some messed-up milestone--half a decade without her existing anywhere on this whole planet--and it's so depressing. I can usually get myself to feel some peace around her passing now by remembering she's no longer struggling, but right now I just feel like the most stubborn of shit. It's a little scary, too, because it's only the second anniversary I've actually gone through since her death without the use of Klonopin. So even though the emotions might be totally normal, they FEEL super intense. But I'm handling it, and I haven't used or self-harmed, so I'm calling that a win.

-I was going to write about TV too (I finally finished Six Feet Under & have a lot of feels), but I think the above is enough for now. Lastly, here is the poem I wrote this week. It's not much, but it's the first creative thing I've completed in months, so I'll take it!

( Before the Fall )

I owe you guys a post about the holidays, but I have something else to share first. I haven't tapped into my creative side in months, and I decided this week to try to rectify that. It's pretty crappy (as far as I can tell), but it's still something, which is better than nothing. I could continue editing it to death, but in the past I've gotten some of my best feedback when I left things raw. So I'm posting this poem-ish thing as is, and hopefully it resonates with at least one of you. It's kind of dark, but that's because the holidays stirred up a lot of grief & anxiety for me. Ironically I'm feeling better today, but maybe that's because I expressed myself here. Yay for angst? Heh.

( Pinpoints of light )

I'm sorry for going AWOL on you guys for so long, but I've been going through a lot these past few weeks, and I spent the last nine days in medical detox/inpatient treatment where there was no internet access. I plan on posting an entry talking about that later (hopefully by tomorrow, if not today), but in the meantime I wanted to recognize my LJ's 14th anniversary, which took place on 9/12. 14 years is a hell of a long time, and some of you have been with me from the beginning, so I wanted to celebrate that by taking a look back. Usually I do this sort of thing with quotes, but this time I decided to mix things up by choosing subject headings from over the years which made me either laugh or at least smile. I've also included a few photos throughout to keep things visually interesting.

( Here's to 14 years of friendship )

I am always up for a time-wasting meme, so let me jump on this high-school-reminiscing bandwagon:

( Join me in the wayback machine to the year 2000 )

Just for funsies, here's a shot of me & some of my junior class back in '99:

Title: Lift Your Head Up in the Wind
Fandom: The X-Files
Author: rachg82
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Mulder/Scully
Word Count: roughly 2,649
Spoilers: I'd planned this fic before the revival happened, and it was my take on the spoilers I'd heard at the time. Then the new season came & went, and my writer's block stuck around. I decided in the end to leave my version of events unchanged by the episodes which aired, so I suppose in a way this could be construed as AU.
Summary: Finally, this is that sequel I promised way back in November for Shouting Into a Hurricane, though you could easily get away with reading it all by itself. It's basically a story of grief & love expressed in five acts.

Note: As with my previous stories, this ficlet's format is largely free-verse. Not to be obnoxiously ~different~, but because it's simply what comes most naturally for me. The cadence of how my words "sound" in the reader's mind is very important to me as a writer.

Warning: This piece does deal with a major character death (but not Mulder or Scully! Don't worry), and I'd like to dedicate it to the memory of my mother. The 4-year anniversary of her death just passed on Easter, and writing these words was a form of catharsis for me.

( Seven times I went down; six times I walked back )

i love you because...
a february love meme
my thread here

I usually don't do these things, because I always feel weird about basically begging for other people's love, but then I realized by not doing it I'm kind of closing myself off to what my friends might have to say. So, spread the love! (Hmm, that sounds dirty)

My thread is here, btw. Also, I'm working on both another entry AND a sequel to my last fic, but it's a toss-up as to which will get posted sooner. I'll just leave y'all in suspense for now.