2017 Year in Review
Jan. 1st, 2018 09:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82Well, it's the start of a new year, and you know what that means! Time to gather together my memories of 2017 (which was mostly a dumpster fire of a year, politically speaking, but not altogether horrible for me on a personal level), and mush them together as one big Year in Review post. I realize that next to no one will read this, what with how very few of my friends still check this journal on a regular basis, but just for myself I would like to keep this tradition going at least one more year. It helps me learn from the hard times & celebrate the good, and fortunately there were more good times this year than bad.
In retrospect, 2016 was all about me climbing out of the deep hole of numb despair, helpless fear, and compulsive habits of self-harm & substance abuse that I'd fallen into over the previous 6 years. 2017, in contrast, was mostly about me attempting to stay out of that hole, and to continue moving forward on level ground. Looking back, I think I did pretty well with that. I didn't intentionally cut, scratch, or burn myself once. I never again found myself methodically planning my own suicide. And despite how many awful panic attacks I was faced with (turns out there's a reason benzos have such an infamous reputation in the recovery community -- the rebound anxiety of abruptly quitting them is brutal even months later), I never reacted by popping so many pills that I wasn't sure I would wake back up if I happened to fall asleep. I never again found myself writing a hasty suicide note because I couldn't bear to go to the hospital one more time just in case I had gone too far. I had brief periods where I felt like giving up, but I never did. Today, I keep my home clean. I actually do laundry. I wash my freaking face. I don't go weeks without showering or 6 months without vacuuming. I've learned a whole new instrument. I have friends. I'm trying online dating. I'm volunteering (albeit only once a month, but everyone has to start somewhere), working the steps, and being of service at meetings. I even found the most un-churchy of churches to attend. Things are better, and I have hope. I know it's a work-in-progress, and that my next major focus needs to be on diet & exercise, but things are going in an upward direction now, rather than a continually tumbling snowball of destruction. That means something to me.
So with all that said, let's get to it!
P.S. This post will obviously consist of quotes from throughout the year, but there will also be pictures & a few vids. Enjoy!
---
1/23/17: "Portland got hit by a sudden & unexpected snowpocalypse last week…
…I'm on step 4, and it's essentially like being sucked down into the Swamp of Sadness from The Neverending Story…
…I have an orientation to attend in February at the 13 Salmon Family Center so I can begin volunteering…
…the women's march had a much more positive energy -- something I desperately needed considering how incredibly depressing Trump's presidency is to me."
2/4/17: "Speaking of that melting Orange Julius of a president, I attended another protest on Monday -- my third in January…On my way there, I saw a guy speeding down the road in a pick-up truck…a 'murrican flag on one side & a giant TRUMP flag flapping in the wind on the other (classy)--screaming out his window all drunk-cowboy-style…Later I found out he was arrested for flashing a replica gun at the protesters."
"I went out to dinner with family for my birthday, and then we had a party which was planned by my niece. She basically thinks of me as a kid stuck inside a grown-up's body, so there were balloons and party favors (I always wanted a toy harmonica), plus my cake was decorated with tons of sprinkles AND plastic snakes & spiders…all in all it was a pretty good birthday, midlife crisis notwithstanding (sneak peek at that: oh noes, I'm officially in my mid-thirties now! MY BODY IS GOING TO FALL APART! I'VE ACHIEVED NOTHING!!!).
…my dad called, which I completely did not expect…
For whatever reason a lot of the meetings I've been to lately have featured shitty people saying shitty things, and if it weren't for my sponsor helping me through it, I'm not sure I would've been able to stick it out…
On a more positive note, my sponsor invited me over a few nights ago to cook for me & just spend some time together…it was really nice…I do feel like she's become a good friend & that the feeling is mutual.
I've only had two piano lessons so far but my teacher says I'm progressing really rapidly. She also said, "I really think you're gifted…probably the best student I've ever had.""
3/22/17: "I performed at a talent show at the Alano Club…and got a great reaction. I even made one woman cry!
…it will be the 5th anniversary of my mom's death on 3/27. My emotions have been pretty volatile…I've been left feeling very drained & raw…I just feel like I'm constantly reliving that devastating day (or recalling good memories & then having it be like, "YOU KNOW THAT CAN NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN, RIGHT?")…
…I never stopped to predict
how part of me would someday miss
the busy preoccupation of chaos,
or the sudden rise
before the fall.
No one warned me
how utterly still the sky would be
once she was gone --
dotted miles of wreckage
left perpetually on pause;
the memory
of her pretty, raspy voice
fading impossibly away."
4/10/17:
"I got six months clean this week…I also finished step 4 (cue chorus of Hallelujah)…
…in OMG!what? news, my stepbrother reached out to me & my sister on facebook recently…apparently my post about the anniversary of my mom's death had an impact on him, and he said it made him feel like life was too short not to at least give resuming contact a try."
5/1/17: "I had my first violin lesson this weekend."
6/22/17: "…my friends Jen & Kevin paid for me to fly out there last month…we hadn't seen each other in almost eight years."
7/14/17: "…my stepbrother, Jojo, unexpectedly committed suicide…
It's been hard for me to explain to people all the ways in which this hurts. It's true that we hadn't seen each other in more than twenty years, but we grew up together…he was there every other weekend, and on holidays. We even shared a room -- I was on the bottom bunk; he was on the top. He was only one year younger than me, and we did everything together from playing Nintendo to bugging my sister. When he stopped coming over, it was my first introduction to the cold truth that anyone could leave you at any time, and without any clear reason at all. I didn't have any answers then, and I still don't have any now."
8/24/17: "But then you left me in the trenches
to crouch, alone,
on blackened soil,
while plumes of fire rained down
from an endless sky.
You never did say goodbye,
never really even offered
a reason why.
Still, I kept a hopeful place for you
twenty steps down
in the dusty basement of yesterday,
tucked your ghost into a hidden corner
and turned away,
told it, this isn't over.
Your face eventually began to fade --
nothing more than a reflection in the water
broken by a stone,
concentric circles reaching
forever outward, just trying to hold on
to the impossible image
of how things could have been.
Make that should have been."
9/9/17: "We scattered my stepbrother's ashes on August 5th at The Devil's Punchbowl here in Oregon…I don't have much to say about it, to be honest, other than the fact that it was a grey & gloomy day, and although it was really important to me that we got it done, it was still depressing to go through. Like, "Really? This is all his life amounted to in the end? A few sad people standing in the ocean under an ash-colored sky?"
…I can't just pretend this never happened & shake it off. I'd like to at least move forward with some kind of renewed commitment to my own life, and I am trying, but some days it just feels like there's a heavy blanket of fearful sorrow weighing everything down.
…as far as my mental health goes, I have good days & bad days. Some nights it takes me hours to fall asleep, even with Trazadone & melatonin & Seroquel, because bedtime has been a major panic attack trigger for me ever since the incidents that drove me into the hospital last year…thankfully it's not that bad every single night anymore (as it was when I first got clean last fall). But losing my stepbrother has brought it back again more, and the same can be said for my disability case coming under review."
9/23/17: "Jayden is 14 years old now, just started his freshman year of high school, and is getting taller & more defiant by the day, but he's mostly still just a big kid. Like he's starting to smell like a teenage boy & texts all day with a pretty girl who clearly thinks he hung the moon, but he also wants his mom to tuck him into bed at night…
Isabella, meanwhile, is 9, just started third grade, and is still a major tomboy…She has this whole thing going with her cousins where they're the league of justice, and she of course is Batman. To the point where she'll randomly just break out in Batman-voice at unpredictable times, but kind of quietly because it's a SECRET…And where a hairdresser can ask if she has any nicknames & her response is "Bruce."…She also wants me to go into the woods with her the day before Halloween, near where people walk their dogs & such, so we can prank-scare people together, just standing creepily in the trees with masks & a red balloon or some crazy shit, and it's like, "WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM, CHILD?""
10/21/17: "Earlier this month I got one year clean/sober (10/5/17, to be specific). I'm still working on allowing myself to feel proud of that, though, because part of me thinks, "Oh, my "bottom" was way higher than most of the people I meet in N.A. or A.A., so it doesn't really mean as much, does it? Like yes, I now believe I'm an addict, but my disease didn't get that far before being halted. It's probably a lot harder if you get further into it." Others have tried to impress upon me the fact that addiction is addiction…a spiritual/emotional bottom can be just as bad as one that involves homelessness or jail. Like it is what it is, no matter how bad it looked like on the outside…
…I am still doing Al-Anon as well, though not as frequently. For a while I felt I had to prioritize my sobriety above all else, but now I want to find a better balance…With the addition of my DBSA group (Depression/Bipolar Support Alliance), my music lessons, volunteering once a month, acupuncture once a week, & therapy, it feels like a good schedule. Now if I could only get myself to the gym 2-3 times a week…sigh.
…Now that I have one year under my belt…I've set up a profile on OKCupid. It's my first attempt ever at online dating, and my first attempt at dating period in more than a decade."
12/4/17: "…the other night I was at my sister's house, and Ms. Bell had both of us laughing so hard at this impromptu bit she started doing. She was walking around bent over with a "cane" (which was in fact a back-scratcher, haha) and a thick southern accent, telling us what was what, all, "Are you sassin' me, baby girl? Are those sass pants you're wearin'? You ain't gonna get ANY pumpkin pie! You're goin' to jail for thirty years! You're still gon' be in trouble in Heaven! You betta' listen to me, y'hear? Respect your elders!!!" It seriously went on & on, with her hilariously neck-rolling & getting right up in our faces, and we were basically dying. I don't even know where she comes up with some of this stuff, but I still say she is the funniest person I've ever known.
…I had a horrible panic attack the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm not sure how much of it was due to the three-day-long migraine that preceded it vs. how triggering the holidays still are for me…but I guess all that matters is I got through it & didn't self-harm, relapse, or end up back in a psych ward. It scared me though, because it was the most out-of-control I can remember feeling at least since my last hospital stay, back in December of 2016.
…my sponsor informed me this week that she plans to move out-of-state after graduating…and that it will probably happen between spring & fall of next year."
12/30/17: "Last week I did an informal "recital", if you can call it that, for my family at my piano teacher's home, playing mostly Christmas songs but also a couple non-holiday ones…and they filmed the whole thing for posterity…
…Christmas itself was okay…or at least as okay as it could've been considering my mom wasn't there (especially in the wake of my stepbrother's suicide). I'm still not particularly thrilled to spend my holidays with my stepdad either, and I know my sister feels the same way. But it's my choice, and I own that.
…The day after Christmas, my sponsor accompanied me to my mom's gravesite, where I read a letter I had written to her as part of my work on Step 9 (where you make amends). In a weird way, it kind of felt like I was introducing them. I'm glad I brought her with me, because if I had done it alone I think it would've ended with me feeling sad & lonely, but instead, with her there, the ceremony (of sorts) was able to serve its cathartic purpose. I was able to walk away feeling lighter, and though I know this doesn't erase all the angst or grief between us, I do feel like I have a bit more closure now."
---
So that's it! Goodbye, 2017; hello, 2018. Sometime in the next few days I will try to be back with a soundtrack, but for now I'd like to wish you all a very happy new year, and thank you for still being here after 15 long & verbose years.
In retrospect, 2016 was all about me climbing out of the deep hole of numb despair, helpless fear, and compulsive habits of self-harm & substance abuse that I'd fallen into over the previous 6 years. 2017, in contrast, was mostly about me attempting to stay out of that hole, and to continue moving forward on level ground. Looking back, I think I did pretty well with that. I didn't intentionally cut, scratch, or burn myself once. I never again found myself methodically planning my own suicide. And despite how many awful panic attacks I was faced with (turns out there's a reason benzos have such an infamous reputation in the recovery community -- the rebound anxiety of abruptly quitting them is brutal even months later), I never reacted by popping so many pills that I wasn't sure I would wake back up if I happened to fall asleep. I never again found myself writing a hasty suicide note because I couldn't bear to go to the hospital one more time just in case I had gone too far. I had brief periods where I felt like giving up, but I never did. Today, I keep my home clean. I actually do laundry. I wash my freaking face. I don't go weeks without showering or 6 months without vacuuming. I've learned a whole new instrument. I have friends. I'm trying online dating. I'm volunteering (albeit only once a month, but everyone has to start somewhere), working the steps, and being of service at meetings. I even found the most un-churchy of churches to attend. Things are better, and I have hope. I know it's a work-in-progress, and that my next major focus needs to be on diet & exercise, but things are going in an upward direction now, rather than a continually tumbling snowball of destruction. That means something to me.
So with all that said, let's get to it!
P.S. This post will obviously consist of quotes from throughout the year, but there will also be pictures & a few vids. Enjoy!
---
1/23/17: "Portland got hit by a sudden & unexpected snowpocalypse last week…
…I'm on step 4, and it's essentially like being sucked down into the Swamp of Sadness from The Neverending Story…
…I have an orientation to attend in February at the 13 Salmon Family Center so I can begin volunteering…
…the women's march had a much more positive energy -- something I desperately needed considering how incredibly depressing Trump's presidency is to me."
2/4/17: "Speaking of that melting Orange Julius of a president, I attended another protest on Monday -- my third in January…On my way there, I saw a guy speeding down the road in a pick-up truck…a 'murrican flag on one side & a giant TRUMP flag flapping in the wind on the other (classy)--screaming out his window all drunk-cowboy-style…Later I found out he was arrested for flashing a replica gun at the protesters."
"I went out to dinner with family for my birthday, and then we had a party which was planned by my niece. She basically thinks of me as a kid stuck inside a grown-up's body, so there were balloons and party favors (I always wanted a toy harmonica), plus my cake was decorated with tons of sprinkles AND plastic snakes & spiders…all in all it was a pretty good birthday, midlife crisis notwithstanding (sneak peek at that: oh noes, I'm officially in my mid-thirties now! MY BODY IS GOING TO FALL APART! I'VE ACHIEVED NOTHING!!!).
…my dad called, which I completely did not expect…
For whatever reason a lot of the meetings I've been to lately have featured shitty people saying shitty things, and if it weren't for my sponsor helping me through it, I'm not sure I would've been able to stick it out…
On a more positive note, my sponsor invited me over a few nights ago to cook for me & just spend some time together…it was really nice…I do feel like she's become a good friend & that the feeling is mutual.
I've only had two piano lessons so far but my teacher says I'm progressing really rapidly. She also said, "I really think you're gifted…probably the best student I've ever had.""
3/22/17: "I performed at a talent show at the Alano Club…and got a great reaction. I even made one woman cry!
…it will be the 5th anniversary of my mom's death on 3/27. My emotions have been pretty volatile…I've been left feeling very drained & raw…I just feel like I'm constantly reliving that devastating day (or recalling good memories & then having it be like, "YOU KNOW THAT CAN NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN, RIGHT?")…
…I never stopped to predict
how part of me would someday miss
the busy preoccupation of chaos,
or the sudden rise
before the fall.
No one warned me
how utterly still the sky would be
once she was gone --
dotted miles of wreckage
left perpetually on pause;
the memory
of her pretty, raspy voice
fading impossibly away."
4/10/17:
"I got six months clean this week…I also finished step 4 (cue chorus of Hallelujah)…
…in OMG!what? news, my stepbrother reached out to me & my sister on facebook recently…apparently my post about the anniversary of my mom's death had an impact on him, and he said it made him feel like life was too short not to at least give resuming contact a try."
5/1/17: "I had my first violin lesson this weekend."
6/22/17: "…my friends Jen & Kevin paid for me to fly out there last month…we hadn't seen each other in almost eight years."
7/14/17: "…my stepbrother, Jojo, unexpectedly committed suicide…
It's been hard for me to explain to people all the ways in which this hurts. It's true that we hadn't seen each other in more than twenty years, but we grew up together…he was there every other weekend, and on holidays. We even shared a room -- I was on the bottom bunk; he was on the top. He was only one year younger than me, and we did everything together from playing Nintendo to bugging my sister. When he stopped coming over, it was my first introduction to the cold truth that anyone could leave you at any time, and without any clear reason at all. I didn't have any answers then, and I still don't have any now."
8/24/17: "But then you left me in the trenches
to crouch, alone,
on blackened soil,
while plumes of fire rained down
from an endless sky.
You never did say goodbye,
never really even offered
a reason why.
Still, I kept a hopeful place for you
twenty steps down
in the dusty basement of yesterday,
tucked your ghost into a hidden corner
and turned away,
told it, this isn't over.
Your face eventually began to fade --
nothing more than a reflection in the water
broken by a stone,
concentric circles reaching
forever outward, just trying to hold on
to the impossible image
of how things could have been.
Make that should have been."
9/9/17: "We scattered my stepbrother's ashes on August 5th at The Devil's Punchbowl here in Oregon…I don't have much to say about it, to be honest, other than the fact that it was a grey & gloomy day, and although it was really important to me that we got it done, it was still depressing to go through. Like, "Really? This is all his life amounted to in the end? A few sad people standing in the ocean under an ash-colored sky?"
…I can't just pretend this never happened & shake it off. I'd like to at least move forward with some kind of renewed commitment to my own life, and I am trying, but some days it just feels like there's a heavy blanket of fearful sorrow weighing everything down.
…as far as my mental health goes, I have good days & bad days. Some nights it takes me hours to fall asleep, even with Trazadone & melatonin & Seroquel, because bedtime has been a major panic attack trigger for me ever since the incidents that drove me into the hospital last year…thankfully it's not that bad every single night anymore (as it was when I first got clean last fall). But losing my stepbrother has brought it back again more, and the same can be said for my disability case coming under review."
9/23/17: "Jayden is 14 years old now, just started his freshman year of high school, and is getting taller & more defiant by the day, but he's mostly still just a big kid. Like he's starting to smell like a teenage boy & texts all day with a pretty girl who clearly thinks he hung the moon, but he also wants his mom to tuck him into bed at night…
Isabella, meanwhile, is 9, just started third grade, and is still a major tomboy…She has this whole thing going with her cousins where they're the league of justice, and she of course is Batman. To the point where she'll randomly just break out in Batman-voice at unpredictable times, but kind of quietly because it's a SECRET…And where a hairdresser can ask if she has any nicknames & her response is "Bruce."…She also wants me to go into the woods with her the day before Halloween, near where people walk their dogs & such, so we can prank-scare people together, just standing creepily in the trees with masks & a red balloon or some crazy shit, and it's like, "WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM, CHILD?""
10/21/17: "Earlier this month I got one year clean/sober (10/5/17, to be specific). I'm still working on allowing myself to feel proud of that, though, because part of me thinks, "Oh, my "bottom" was way higher than most of the people I meet in N.A. or A.A., so it doesn't really mean as much, does it? Like yes, I now believe I'm an addict, but my disease didn't get that far before being halted. It's probably a lot harder if you get further into it." Others have tried to impress upon me the fact that addiction is addiction…a spiritual/emotional bottom can be just as bad as one that involves homelessness or jail. Like it is what it is, no matter how bad it looked like on the outside…
…I am still doing Al-Anon as well, though not as frequently. For a while I felt I had to prioritize my sobriety above all else, but now I want to find a better balance…With the addition of my DBSA group (Depression/Bipolar Support Alliance), my music lessons, volunteering once a month, acupuncture once a week, & therapy, it feels like a good schedule. Now if I could only get myself to the gym 2-3 times a week…sigh.
…Now that I have one year under my belt…I've set up a profile on OKCupid. It's my first attempt ever at online dating, and my first attempt at dating period in more than a decade."
12/4/17: "…the other night I was at my sister's house, and Ms. Bell had both of us laughing so hard at this impromptu bit she started doing. She was walking around bent over with a "cane" (which was in fact a back-scratcher, haha) and a thick southern accent, telling us what was what, all, "Are you sassin' me, baby girl? Are those sass pants you're wearin'? You ain't gonna get ANY pumpkin pie! You're goin' to jail for thirty years! You're still gon' be in trouble in Heaven! You betta' listen to me, y'hear? Respect your elders!!!" It seriously went on & on, with her hilariously neck-rolling & getting right up in our faces, and we were basically dying. I don't even know where she comes up with some of this stuff, but I still say she is the funniest person I've ever known.
…I had a horrible panic attack the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm not sure how much of it was due to the three-day-long migraine that preceded it vs. how triggering the holidays still are for me…but I guess all that matters is I got through it & didn't self-harm, relapse, or end up back in a psych ward. It scared me though, because it was the most out-of-control I can remember feeling at least since my last hospital stay, back in December of 2016.
…my sponsor informed me this week that she plans to move out-of-state after graduating…and that it will probably happen between spring & fall of next year."
12/30/17: "Last week I did an informal "recital", if you can call it that, for my family at my piano teacher's home, playing mostly Christmas songs but also a couple non-holiday ones…and they filmed the whole thing for posterity…
…Christmas itself was okay…or at least as okay as it could've been considering my mom wasn't there (especially in the wake of my stepbrother's suicide). I'm still not particularly thrilled to spend my holidays with my stepdad either, and I know my sister feels the same way. But it's my choice, and I own that.
…The day after Christmas, my sponsor accompanied me to my mom's gravesite, where I read a letter I had written to her as part of my work on Step 9 (where you make amends). In a weird way, it kind of felt like I was introducing them. I'm glad I brought her with me, because if I had done it alone I think it would've ended with me feeling sad & lonely, but instead, with her there, the ceremony (of sorts) was able to serve its cathartic purpose. I was able to walk away feeling lighter, and though I know this doesn't erase all the angst or grief between us, I do feel like I have a bit more closure now."
---
So that's it! Goodbye, 2017; hello, 2018. Sometime in the next few days I will try to be back with a soundtrack, but for now I'd like to wish you all a very happy new year, and thank you for still being here after 15 long & verbose years.
