rachg82

I need something quick & easy to distract me from the funtimez of packing my whole life up, so an end-of-the-year meme it is!

Which TV shows did you start watching in 2015?

The Fall, Maron, Grace & Frankie, Six Feet Under, Treme, Master of None, Bring It, Fear the Walking Dead, & VEEP.

Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn't in 2015? Why?

I did mean to give iZombie a chance, but I just couldn't motivate myself. Same with Orphan Black.

Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2016?

I might give Six Feet Under another shot, depending on my state of mind.

Which TV show impressed you least in 2015?

That I actually watched? Probably the third season of Orange is the New Black.

Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2016 unless things significantly improve?

I'm not really at that point with any of my current shows.

Which TV shows do you think you’ll never let go of no matter how crappy they get?

The X-Files. Hands-down.

Your main fandom of the year?

Once more with feeling: The X-Files!

Your favourite film you watched this year?



"When the Levees Broke." A truly excellent documentary--incredibly thorough & ambitious in scope--and one which touched me on a very deep level. I was crying so hard at one point that I had to actually pause it. I'm so glad I watched it though, even if it was hard at parts to stomach, because now I feel like I have a much better understanding of what happened, and what is still happening there.

Your favourite book read this year?

Yeahhh, about that. I didn't actually finish any books this year.

Your favourite TV show of the year?

Of all time? The X-Files. Currently on air? The Fall. Brooklyn 99 has proven to be consistently delightful as well.

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

Does having to get rid of my cable count? Because it seriously interfered with my fangirling.

Your biggest squee moment of the year?

Hearing that The X-Files was coming back, easily, followed by the news of Gilmore Girls' return.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

I do miss the Bones fandom, back when the show didn't suck monkey balls.

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

I think I answered this question in a previous meme, but I'll play along. Probably Rizzoli & Isles. I don't watch it anymore, but I would be interested in writing fic for it possibly.

Your biggest fan anticipations for the coming year?

Five words: I still want to believe.

I have a lot of RL stuff to talk about, from recent adventures with panic attacks (back like a blast from the past), even worse money problems (just when I think I can start to get my bearings, the ground beneath me gets swept away again), family issues, health issues (guess who's taking antibiotics for the fifth millionth time this year?), and my neurologist trying to dump me as a patient because I'm too much work, but I only have a little time before I need to go see my therapist (still the intern -- my normal psych returns next week, thank God), so all that will have to wait. Maybe later today or tomorrow, just depending on how I feel. For now, I wanted to finish up my 30 topics for 30 days meme, since that's easy.

( Days 20 through 30 )

There's a meme going around my flist right now where people give you fandoms, & you give them 5-7 of your favorite episodes for that show in return, but rather than wait for comments that probably won't come, I'm just gonna be proactive & list my answers for my top 5 shows on my own. If there's an additional fandom you'd like to give me, though, then by all means feel free to leave me a comment and I'll do that show too. And, if you have time, let me know in the comments what your own favorite eps are! I had a ridiculously hard time narrowing mine down for these (especially Gilmore Girls, because I haven't watched it in a while), and you'll note that I cheated & went with ten for each. Heh. They're in no particular order, either, except for the first choice being #1.

The X-Files
-Bad Blood
-Paper Hearts
-Pusher
-Redux II
-Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose
-X Cops
-How the Ghosts Stole Christmas
-Chinga
-Beyond the Sea
-All Things

Battlestar Galactica

-Unfinished Business
-Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down
-The Hub
-Resurrection Ship Parts 1 & 2 (they count as one episode, because I say so!)
-Exodus Parts 1 & 2
-Maelstrom
-The Oath/Blood on the Scales (again, they go together!)
-Kobol's Last Gleaming Parts I & II
-Someone to Watch Over Me
-Taking a Break From All Your Worries

Bones

-The Woman in Limbo
-Aliens in a Spaceship
-The Man in the Bear
-The Man in the Fallout Shelter
-Two Bodies in the Lab
-Santa in the Slush
-The Goop on the Girl
-Mummy in the Maze
-The Doctor in the Photo
-Judas on a Pole

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

-Restless
-Fear Itself
-This Year's Girl/Who Are You?
-Passion
-Graduation Day Parts I and II
-Once More With Feeling
-The Body
-The Weight of the World
-Storyteller
-Chosen

Gilmore Girls

-Last Week Fights, This Week Tights
-Forgiveness and Stuff
-The Lorelais' First Day at Yale
-Those Are Strings, Pinocchio
-That Damned Donna Reed
-The Fundamental Things Apply
-Scene in a Mall
-We Got Us a Pippi Virgin!
-Written in the Stars
-So...Good Talk

Title: Shouting Into a Hurricane
Fandom: The X-Files
Author: rachg82
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Mulder/Scully
Word Count: 4,600 words
Spoilers: Oh, yes. This entire thing is simply my speculation based solely on the spoilers that have come out for the upcoming revival. Consider yourselves warned.
Summary: Happily-ever-after sometimes comes with a detour.

Note: As with my previous stories, this piece was written largely in free-verse. Not to be pretentious, but because my brain is a weirdo, basically. Just go with it.

Also, I originally intended for this fic to go on longer than it did. Then I realized that I'd already written its ending, and that what remained would be better suited as a sequel. So hopefully that should be on its way soon-ish.

( Life will find a way )

Well, last night I tapered my dose of Trazadone down to only 50 mg (as planned with my psych), and I think I got like 5-ish hours sleep again? I feel so tired that my eyes hurt, but I just can't fall back asleep. So annoying. I hope I can adjust to sleeping without its help quickly. I NEVER used to struggle with insomnia like this when I was younger (I was like a hibernating bear back then -- my problem was sleeping TOO much) so it completely throws my entire day off. And I woke up with my head hurting, but I'm trying to avoid taking any imitrex today since I've already taken it so many days in a row (if you take it too much, it backfires & can cause rebound headaches. Plus, I finally started my period, and I may need the few injections I have left more later this week than I do right now. I'm hurting, but it's tolerable for the moment), so I took excedrin instead, but of course that has enough caffeine in it to make me an annoyingly alert zombie, soooo...you see my predicament. Yes, I could've just taken tylenol or advil alone, but have you met my pain? It laughs in the face of both. Which is discouraging, because I do plan on trying to taper down to only tylenol soon -- and then from there try to only take tylenol/other pain meds 2-3 times per week so as to cut back on any possible rebound effect (either after my period, if I can do it on my own, or with a tapering schedule after I see my neurologist next & can discuss it with him, which isn't until the end of November, but the point is I need to try again soonish, if only because I'm not *supposed* to be taking nsaids after my stomach surgeries, and certainly not at the rate at which I take them. I worry about getting new ulcers almost on a daily basis at this point, and this whole year my migraines have been utterly unmanageable, worse than any year before, so I need to try SOMETHING new in addition to other efforts like maybe more prophylactic medications & physical therapy/massage/acupuncture/whatever.) I don't even want to think about how much pain I might be in when I do this (or for how long -- who knows how quickly the body would adjust to such a change after decades of daily OTC pain meds); I just have to focus on the possibility that it might help in the end. Like, maybe I'd still have constant migraines (the way I did as a teenager, which is why I started taking excedrin every morning in the first place), but they won't interfere with my life as severely/frequently? You never know.

As for how I'm doing psychologically today, I don't really know yet. ( But y'all know I'm gonna talk about it anyway! (tw for non-explicit discussion of suicidal thinking & urges to self-harm) )

I've had writer's block for weeks now, but after talking about it with my counselor yesterday (we didn't have an appointment, but she was there & had a free hour when I picked up my meds), I suddenly felt inspired to write another poem. It's more of a letter to my niece's future self than a straight-forward poem, though, but I wrote it in free verse, so call it what you want.

Fair warning, it is pretty cheese-tastic because of all the cheerleading involved. But what girl doesn't need some cheerleading in her life?

( Dear Isabella )

I am super fatigued feeling, but haven't been able to really stay asleep since late last night. Well, I CAN, but only for relatively short periods of time, like I have one foot still squarely in the door to Sleepy Town (enough to make me feel like I could nod off at any second just sitting here, but even once I do go lie down, I wake back up maybe twenty minutes later, tops), & the other is busy tying its shoe laces & staring at me all expectantly like a hyped-up dog anticipating its morning walk -- basically, trying to be patient & failing miserably. "WE HAVE STUFF TO DO TODAY, RIGHT? RIGHT? 'CAUSE, LIKE, JUST LOOK HOW MY TAIL IS WAGGING. AND I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF TREES OUT THERE JUST BEGGING TO BE PEED ON. LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD, YO!"

To be fair, I'd been sleeping excessively most of the last couple weeks before this, so maybe I was bound to hit a night of insomnia eventually. Or it could also be that I'm planning on visiting a pumpkin patch with my sister & her kids today, and so I was anxious about that while going to bed (i.e. I was worried about sleeping in late or waking up feeling sick in some way, either from a migraine or from the awful abdominal cramping I've been having every morning since my mom's birthday<--*but not yet today, fingers crossed*). I've felt a lot of pressure to make it to this outing, most especially since the kids have made it *crystal* clear that they expect me to be there (I don't want to disappoint them again, plus this has become a tradition for us. Halloween is kind of our thing. I always go to pick out pumpkins with them, and then we go back to their place & carve them into jack-o-lanterns together while Corinne paces in the background & wrings her hands over the giant mess we're making. "YOU GUYYYYYS, THESE SEEDS ARE GETTING EVERYWHERE!!!"), so it makes sense that I might be stressed out enough by that pressure to not sleep well the night before. Still annoying though.

Speaking of the kids, here's a couple fun tidbits for y'all:

-Remember the "friend" Jayden was texting? Well, he informed my sister the other day that he now has a "girlfriend." She asked him how the conversation went down which gave him this idea, and he was like, "She told me she liked me, but that she didn't want it to get in the way of our friendship." So my sister asked him what he said in response to that, and he said, "I told her it wouldn't." And like THAT WAS IT. Haha. My sister had to explain to him why that simple exchange didn't make them boyfriend/girlfriend, and that he should actually, y'know, TELL the girl he likes her back. Then he got mad at her for killing his buzz, essentially. Heh. Oh, Jayden.

-Isabella is NOT GIVING UP on my sister having another baby, lack of uterus be damned. She continues to interrogate her as to WHY she can't just adopt, and WHY she can't just use me as her surrogate (like, do I get a say in this matter? Hee). She is seriously determined.

Moving on, I met with a mortgage broker & my step-dad this week, and it turns out my credit isn't as bad as Joe thought it would be. That mystery!credit card actually helped, even though I wasn't using it -- go figure. And even though I haven't been paying my student loans for quite some time, I've been keeping them current with the necessary documentation (based on my income, I don't have a monthly payment), so that's helped too. What's hurt me is the $15,000 in medical bills I have floating around out there in collections, but apparently they tend to kind of ignore those. What's really helped me is that I resisted the urge to get credit cards when most of my peers were getting them, because I knew I wasn't responsible enough to stay debt-free at the time if I had the option to charge shit whenever I wanted/needed. That was a smart move on my part to wait. I've also never leased a car, so I couldn't get behind on my payments for that either. Of course the con to those pros is that I have a lack of established credit, but still. Point is, while it wouldn't be easy, it is actually possible for me to get a loan for a condo all on my own, though it'd probably be for like $80k at the most, and I could only afford that every month if there weren't any HOA fees attached (whatever those are).

The other condo-getting options would be as follows:

-Wait a few months while I use the credit card specifically to build up my credit score, & try to raise it enough to qualify for 5% down (again, whatever that means, haha. All this real estate/mortgage shit goes RIGHT over my head).

-Get Joe to cosign on a loan for me, allowing me to qualify for more expensive housing (but in turn meaning I'd be even more likely to need his help every month, which fwiw he's willing to do. He says he'd rather help me financially if it means me building equity & owning my own home than just me renting & throwing my money away. Obviously I'd rather not be dependent on him in that way though. The ultimate goal is for me to find a place I can afford on my own every month, regardless of whether he cosigns on the loan itself, but the option is there if I need to take it).

-Joe buys a second house all on his own & then rents it to me at whatever price we agree upon. If we went with this arrangement, I'm sure the end-game would still be for me to own it eventually, but probably not until I've paid him a certain amount (or he dies & leaves it to me, whichever).

Per my counselor's advice, I asked Joe if he expected anything in return for all this help & confirmed that he would've told me upfront if that'd been the case. I'm glad I got that issue out of the way, so now I won't be angsting over paying him back, and I know he's not going to expect that I take his advice on getting back to work or something else (along that line of thought, he had an idea involving me working for him on some side-business with ebay, and I declined the offer because it would've involved me coming over to his house every day--something I couldn't be relied upon to manage, given my current state of health, not even touching on the emotional ramifications of seeing him on a daily basis--and he accepted my answer without argument). He says he just wants to help, and in this case, I do believe him. If anything, it makes him out to be the Good Guy, the hero, the proper Father Figure, and I know that's a role he wants to be seen as embodying (particularly by the rest of the family), even if his actions haven't always reflected those qualities. I'm still trying to maintain emotional boundaries & keep my guard up though (example: I felt an urge to give him a hug when he dropped me off at home after the meeting, as if the last five & a half years had never happened, but I held back because--like it or not--THEY DID HAPPEN). It's just something I'll continue to have to work on, and I know it won't be easy. But I'm still thankful for the help, and I won't lie -- it is helping me work on my forgiveness towards him. Like, okay, so you traumatized me, and you clearly have a part of you that's sick, and that will never be okay, but now you're helping me get my own home & asking for nothing in return? I miiiight be willing to call that shit even, but only what's *already taken place*. Any possible lecherous behavior in the future will be dealt with on its own terms, which is why I don't want to be dependent on him every month. But I'm jumping ahead, as usual. One step at a time. First things first, I wait for the broker to look into some options on his end, and then he'll get back to us and we'll know more.

Lastly, I'll try to come back tonight or tomorrow with pictures from our pumpkin adventure & maybe even some fic recs.

Credit for my subject heading today goes to the latest episode of Scream Queens, which continues to be delightfully awful in an irresistibly self-aware fashion. I'm not sure how long they can keep this perfect balance of crack & meta-liciousness up, but for now it gives me something laugh-out-loud funny to look forward to every week, and I appreciate that a lot.

In other TV news:

-I haven't actually read any of the reviews for the first episode of the XF revival (I'm already spoiled enough), but the vibe I've gotten is that they've been surprisingly positive across-the-board. That makes me really excited, ngl. I'm aware that I should know better by now than to trust Carter, but I can't help it. I'll probably forever be that show's loyal lap dog.

I've started my next XF fanfic, but I've only gotten a few hundred words written so far. All the stress of the last few weeks has left me feeling pretty scatterbrained & blocked creatively. Hopefully I can push through it soon & start making some progress again because I miss having that outlet.

-I put the show Treme on hold at the library today. I'm kinda going in blind, because I haven't really heard anything about it from anyone, but I know the makers of The Wire are behind it, so that's got to count for something. Despite the fact that I never went all fangirl over The Wire, I can still say without hesitation that it's one of the smartest shows I've ever seen as a whole. On a sociological level, it was straight-up delectable. And for someone like me, who revels in seeing a subject thoroughly & patiently explored from a variety of angles, it doesn't get much more satisfying. Fingers crossed Treme follows in its footsteps.

In RL news:

-The musical hallucinations have all but gone away again (they still pop up very faintly for a minute or two when I go to bed, but otherwise they seem to have disappeared[/knock on wood]), but my body is clearly still having a heightened stress reaction, because my stomach hasn't stopped cramping yet. Consequently, I feel really dehydrated & fatigued, and it's zero amounts of fun. I made an appointment to see a doctor about it tomorrow though, so hopefully they can give me something more powerful than Imodium to make it stop. As a result though, I'll have to cancel my physical therapy appointment again, which sucks. Maybe I'll get lucky & the cramping will stop by tomorrow morning, and then I won't have to miss it. We'll see. All I ate today was chicken noodle soup, though, so it's certainly not anything I'm eating that's causing the problem.

-I'm going with my step-dad to meet with a mortgage broker tomorrow, because it's cheaper now to own your own home & pay a monthly mortgage/taxes than it is to rent around here. It was Joe's idea, and since my credit is so lousy, it'd probably only work if he was willing to co-sign the loan or something similar (and even then I'm not sure if it would work, but the point is we're going to find out). I'm pretty sure that's what he's planning on doing (if he can) anyway, just based on what he's said to my sister about it (and yes, she is admittedly jealous of the help he's giving me, but fwiw, she's going to get his house when he dies, and she says she understands that I need the help more than she does right now). Basically, the game-plan would be to look for a condo that's $100k or less, so that what I pay every month all together wouldn't be more than what I was paying before this, but because I own the home, I wouldn't have to worry about the rent going up every 6-12 months. The price would be locked in. I've looked up homes in the area, and there are A LOT of condos for around that price (and even less in some cases), so if we can get the loan, it actually looks like a feasible option. I'm just worried my step-dad's credit + my credit won't be good enough, or that we won't be able to find one that will work for me (e.g. one that's not falling apart, and which is close to a grocery store & on a good bus or max line, etc...). But he already told me, if this option doesn't work, then he'll continue helping me pay my rent until I receive rental assistance from the state (with Section 8 or HUD) or find an "affordable" apartment. In the meantime though, I'm not signing a lease at my current place (which my apt manager is okay with -- I have the feeling her bosses are telling her to do whatever she can to get rid of people in the long-run, basically, so they can renovate or something), so I do feel terribly uncertain about what to expect over the next few months. I hate not knowing what's about to happen. And to be fair, no one really knows what's about to happen, but I hate not even having the *illusion* of knowing.

-In preparation for my meeting tomorrow, I got my credit report (the debt from medical bills alone is horrific), and I found out that, when I signed up for a "Fred Meyer reward card" last year (what was explained to me as a simple grocery rewards thingie), it also signed me up for a credit card. It only has a $500 limit, but still. So I'm having a replacement card sent out to me. My first-ever credit card, folks! And it only took me until I was 33 years old.

-I found out I do still have to pay for my own internet, despite using Joe's wifi for cable (which so far hasn't worked, because my mac's OS is too old to update flash, but if he gets me a used laptop like he said he might, then I could theoretically use it to watch cable on my TV), but as soon as I get my magic jack in the mail, I'm going to cancel my landline, which will save me roughly $40/month. Every little bit counts.

-I was a half-hour late to my psychology appointment today, because I got the time wrong in my head (and slept in), but I did at least get to talk over the Step-dad Situation with her a bit. I was worried she'd try to discourage me from accepting his help, but she was supportive & basically just said what I'd already been thinking -- that I'd just have to work on my triggers/trauma/boundaries more, and keep working with her to process some of the conflicted feelings I have regarding maintaining a friendly (but guarded) relationship with him (especially one where I feel beholden to him) & what it means in our case to forgive but not forget. It's still very emotionally confusing for me, but less so than it used to be.

-Isabella apparently has a boyfriend at daycare now, with whom she walks around holding hands (*dies*), and Jay's been texting a girl from school (but claims that they're "just friends". Uh-huh, suuuuure). What's funny though is that Jay's social skills are not exactly the best, so Corinne has to help him reply to her texts sometimes, haha (this isn't new, btw -- she's had to nag him for years just to reply when his friends text or call him). Like, she happened to look at his phone after this girl had asked him what he was doing, and of course Jay just gave her this closed response with like crickets chirping at the end, and Corinne had to remind him to ask her what SHE was doing. He was like, "I'm not good at this stuff, Mom!" Haha. Poor thing.

In other Jayden news, he calls everyone (including me, his sister, and his mom) "bruh" now. Also, he reportedly saw his bag of Doritos lift itself up and turn around in a perfect circle the other day, and it left him TERRIFIED. As in running-out-of-his-room-full-on-screaming terrified. I already told Corinne that, if I get a condo, I'm going to expect her to walk through it first & let me know if it's haunted. I do not want to munch on levitating snacks, thank you very much!

I've been trying to write this entry off & on all day, but up until now I haven't been able to peel myself out of bed. Suffice it to say, I've received some bad news, and I'm not exactly functioning very well as a result. I kept having this feeling of aimless dread all week, which makes sense when you're experiencing anxiety, but it just wouldn't stop nagging me. I remember early yesterday thinking to God (sometimes I talk to Him in my head), "I feel like something bad is going to happen. I feel like I'm falling apart." It didn't help that the musical hallucinations had made a reappearance either -- albeit only when things were silent, but still. Then I started thinking about money, and my lease, and I had this sinking suspicion that it was ending. So I went & checked my copy of my agreement, and lo & behold, it ended in August. So I called my apartment manager, and she told me they'd sent me a letter (which I don't remember ever receiving) a month ago warning me that, if I renewed my lease, I would have to start paying $835/month starting in October. That's a rent increase of $190, people. And there was nothing she could do about it besides check with her bosses to see if I could at least stay until the end of the month if I paid my former rent.

So, my options are the following:

-find another apartment I can actually afford (looking very, very doubtful at the moment)
-work with a non-profit I contacted to help me find an apartment (also doubtful -- most of the places I can afford have waiting lists that are either closed or backed up 4-5 YEARS)
-move in with my sister and take over Izzie's (mostly) unused bedroom, paying her rent & trying to stay out of each others' way (hello, nightmare scenario -- I don't want to be there, and they don't want me to be there)
-pray for a miracle, e.g. DHS raises my food benefits in accordance with the new rent & then I find some magical way to afford to stay here (laughable)

Basically, in all likelihood I'm fucked. Royally. Not to mention, even if I do get my own apartment, I'm gonna need someone strong to help me move & set things up like my bed & TV, and that means either my sister's ex (who probably wouldn't know what he was doing) or Joe. I can't afford to pay people to do it. And did I mention I don't want to move, period? And that living way out in the middle of nowhere with my difficult sister and her ghosts is enough to make me feel suicidal? Right.

One way or another, I'll have more information on Monday, hopefully. In the meantime, I can't stop my brain from spinning. I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience, and every time I come close to feeling grounded again, I start panicking. I have not felt on the verge of snapping like this for a very long time, and it's not good. I'm trying to tell myself to have faith, but it feels like everything is collapsing, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through it.