The war in your head that I did not understand

[rachg82]

Before I start this entry I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for being so supportive after my last post. It really means a lot to me. I'm just gonna leave this one public though, because after I give an update on how I'm doing, I'm going to do some memes to distract myself. I need some semblance of normalcy and there's nothing more "normal" for me than rambling about television. So.



On how I'm doing:

My moods today have been ranging from numbness to depression to denial to seething anger (like, oh my God, it's deep), and anything else you can imagine. But I also have a strong sense of my ability & commitment to overcome this. It's just going to take a lot of time and I realize that. I think part of me is still in shock though, which is probably a good thing. My world has been turned upside-down & everything feels very chaotic & confusing, so I'm sure it's going to be a while before I feel like myself again, if I ever fully do. But I refuse to let it keep me down for long. I can't help that my soul has been wounded by this, but I can choose how I react to it, and control the life I lead going forward.

In the interest of that, here's an update on what's happened since my last post:

-I made my first appointment with the counselor (for March 9th). She gave me half off her normal cost since I don't have insurance, so I'll be paying $65 a session. I can totally manage that, especially if I only go twice a month or something. I am still going to find out if I can get some insurance though. I'm just scared I'll get it & it won't cover anything because of some "pre-existing condition" fine-print ridiculousness. But I guess I'll just have to research that while I'm weighing my options.

-Lots of conversations with my sister, and lots of stuff coming out. Creepy things I hadn't thought of in years (like, oh, say the video camera I forgot he installed in the house once that we never knew about until later, or how when he'd be holding the home video camera when we were younger he'd frequently focus on our chests & behinds--usually Corinne's--and then joke it away by saying it wasn't on purpose. *pours bleach into brain*), and realizing just how monumentally fucked-up our families/childhoods were. Christ on crutches, I should write a book someday.

-My first conversation with my mom in weeks, which lasted less than five minutes before I hung up on her. We didn't even get to my stepdad, which actually, you know what? No. He doesn't even get to be called my stepdad anymore. He's just Joe. He and the word "dad" shouldn't go together in the same sentence ever again.

But back to my mom: she called me & tried saying that she's quit pain pills again & has been going to AA & NA for days, which yeah, I call bullshit. Especially considering I know she just went to a pain management place on Thursday (and when my sister asked her if she got anything, her reply was "no. . .and so what if I did?!", all bitchy), and how she sounded on my answering machine before I picked up (we'll just say "loopy"). I'm not saying I don't believe she wants to quit, but I am saying I don't believe she's been clean for days. My sister doesn't even believe she's clean now. Whatever, I don't know. But the point is, even if she quits pain pills, the adderall (i.e. fucking prescribed speed) is still a problem. Her whole way of being is still a problem. She didn't even remember hanging up on me the other day, and tried to be like "I hope you can forgive me. . .the way I'm forgiving you for things I feel you've done." Um, I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. NICE TRY.

The conversation ended though, because after I told her she can't be in my life anymore if she's going to be on pain pills (to which she agreed, whatever that's worth. She's agreed many times before), I also said I didn't want her to take adderall anymore and then shit hit the fan. She was all "I've been taking it for seven years!" And it's like, wow, big surprise then that seven years ago is also when a lot of your biggest manic episodes started. Duh. So I asked her to let me speak for five minutes, tried to tell her how I felt about it & the information I'd found about it--that it's not recommended for most bipolar patients, and that even in the few cases when it is (for patients with extreme impulsivity issues and/or a dual diagnosis with ADD) it's not recommended for people with a history of addiction, not recommended for long-term use, and not recommended for people with heart disease and high blood pressure, all of which applies to her--she went from zero to screaming in my ear & wouldn't shut up. I warned her that if she didn't let me say what I had to say for at least five minutes, I was going to hang up, but all she did was keep yelling and being all "don't talk down to me!" So I hung up & unplugged my phone. I'm not playing her games anymore. If I tell you I'm going to hang up, I will. She hasn't earned the right to tell me how to talk to her, especially considering I had a perfectly reasonable request (for her to be quiet & listen to me for five damn minutes). She doesn't get to talk to me if she can't even do that much. Because it's not just about her addiction. It's about her having no respect for other people's feelings or boundaries. If I ask you to let me talk and you say "fine", I expect you to actually shut up & listen. Not start yelling again two seconds later. There's no point in continuing a conversation like that.

Part of recovering from an addiction is supposed to be letting go of denial, owning up to your actions, and making amends. Until she's ready to do those things, I need my space from her. That's not a permanent "you're out of my life" declaration; it's merely me controlling what I expose myself to. I'm done having toxic shit in my life, period.

Which brings me to: What can I take that's positive from all this?

-I was thinking tonight, I'm used to huge disasters occurring and then everything "going back to normal" afterward. And I was thinking that this is going to be harder than anything before, because there's no going back from this. Not from what happened with Joe. It's changed everything, not just what happens in the future, but how I feel about memories from the past. And even if my mom gets sober, things will never be the same with her either because of him (especially since I doubt she'll leave him). And this is all at the same time that things have disintegrated with my father to the point of there being almost no relationship there either. But you know what? After that, I thought to myself, "Okay, so there's no back to normal after this, and that's scary. But was it ever normal? Really? No. Maybe there'll be a new normal because of this, a better normal." That's one thing I'm hoping for out of this.

It's kind of like how, after high school, I suffered so much. I went through such severe depression, such bad panic attacks, and I tried to make sense of why it was happening to me. Whether any kind of meaning could be taken from it. And I decided that at the very least it forced me to deal with some of my crap, and become a stronger person. Maybe this is a similar thing, but now my life is being cleansed from the outside-in.

-A closer relationship with my sister. If there's one thing all the fucked-up things we've been through together has given us over the years, it's an incredibly strong bond. At least we have that.

-Getting me to go back to counseling again. The therapy I had years ago was extremely helpful in dealing with my social phobia and anxiety attacks, but I obviously still have some other stuff to deal with. And hopefully it'll also be a motivating factor to improve other things in my life as well.

Lastly, before I get to the memes, I'm gonna pass along the meditation/prayer that keenai shared in her journal today, which really resonated with me and which I'm going to repeat to myself everytime I start feeling overwhelmed by all this:

Lead me, O God, into
an unclenched moment,
a deep breath,
a letting go of worn heaviness,
shriveling anxieties and dead certainties.

So say we all.




Now, in an effort to get my mind off this stuff and reclaim a feeling of normalcy, let's do a few memes:

-List all of the television shows you have on DVD, no matter how obscure or embarrassing. Even if you only own one season, list it. Let's see who has what!

Some of you probably already know what I own, but maybe this will be interesting to those of you who are new here? *shrugs* Here you go. . .

-Gilmore Girls (seasons 1-5, and 7)
-Everwood (season 1)
-My So-Called Life (the complete series, i.e. season 1. Heh)
-Aeon Flux (the complete series, i.e. once again, season 1. Did anyone else on my flist watch this show? Damn, it was weird. And I totally shipped Trevor & Aeon, ngl)
-The Daily Show: Indecision 2004
-Clarissa Explains It All (a random gift by dosidella. WTF, Jen. Hee)
-Sex and the City (seasons 3, 4, and 6: parts 1 and 2)
-Weeds (seasons 1-2)
-Bones (seasons 1-3)
-The X-Files (seasons 1-7. Note the omissions. *eyes seasons 8 & 9* Heh)
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer (seasons 1-7, i.e. the whole shibang)
-Battlestar Galactica (again, the whole shibang: seasons 1 through 4.5)

Yes, I love television. Why do you ask?

And for our final meme, we'll go with this one that I swiped from britishwannabe1:

Comment and I'll give you three of your fandoms, then copy and paste the questions onto your journal and fill it out.

(She gave me The X-Files, Bones, and BSG)

The X-Files:

01. The first character I fell in love with: Scully. And her skeptical eyebrow & mad running in heels skillz.
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: As fail as the last two seasons were, I did grow to like Doggett & Reyes much more by the end. Especially Reyes when she defended Scully at that ridic finale trial. Also, she called her "beautiful" & did her dorky whale song when she was in labor. I kind of love her for that. I still think of her as "Moronica" though. Heh. Sorry. Too much time spent at the Television Without Pity forums back in the day.
03. The character everyone else loves that I don't: Kersh. Just kidding.
04. The character I love that everyone else hates: Marita Covareiahogiehabias. Again, just kidding. Hee.
05. The character I used to love but don't any longer: I still love Cancer Man, but he lost a little of his cool factor for me in the finale.
06. The character I would shag anytime: Picture this - me, Mulder, Scully. Oh yes.
07. The character I want to be like: Scully.
08. The character I'd slap: Mulder. Totally Mulder. Specifically during "Never Again" and "One Son."
09. A pairing that I love: The one with the tall brooding guy & the short redhead.
10. A pairing that I hate: Doggett & Reyes. Felt so forced. As I said in my comment to britishwannabe1's post, we all know both of them really wanted Scully!
11. Favorite character: Special Agent "Mulder, are you suggesting" Dana Katherine "I'm a medical doctor" Scully, yo
12. My five favorite characters: Mulder, Scully, and all three of the Lone Gunmen. Can't I include the Skinman in there too, though? He told Cancerman to pucker up & kiss his ass!
13. My five least favorite characters: Linda Bowman (your brother was a way better Pusher! Although I love the end of that episode), stupid Diana Fowley, the butt Genie from season 8 (you know the one), Billy Miles (why must you cause so many problems, Billy?), and Spender (way to convince Scully to give up William, you crispy-skinned bastard)
14. Which character I am most like: Scully
15. My deep, dark fandom secret: At fifteen, I totally went shopping to try to find a trench coat to wear so I could look super cool like Mulder & Scullz. I was too short to find one though. Probably a blessing.

Bones:

01. The first character I fell in love with: Brennan, though my love grew over time as well
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Cam. I found her so annoying when she first arrived in season 2 (not because of her relationship with Booth, but because of how she acted when she barged in as boss), but now I 100% adore her
03. The character everyone else loves that I don't: Wendell. I don't dislike him, but I don't love him as much as everyone else does.
04. The character I love that everyone else hates: I don't think everyone necessarily hates him, but I know a lot of people weren't fond of the Sully arc, and I really enjoyed those episodes.
05. The character I used to love but don't any longer: Angela. She's treading on thin ice for me these days. I mean, I still like her sometimes, but she keeps getting on my nerves too.
06. The character I would shag anytime: Brennan, in a hot second. Probably Cam too. And Booth.
07. The character I want to be like: Cam. She doesn't take any shit, and damn she always looks good.
08. The character I'd slap: Angela, lately. And sometimes both Booth & Brennan. Just get it on already! Heh.
09. A pairing that I love: Rhymes with Shmooth & Schmennan.
10. A pairing that I hate: None, actually
11. Favorite character: Brennan
12. My five favorite characters: Brennan, Booth, Cam, Hodgins, and Zackaroni.
13. My five least favorite characters: Whoever thought it would be a good idea to pull those shenanigans with the season 3 and season 4 finales. Oh wait, that was the writers. . .
14. Which character I am most like: Brennan. I'm not gonna think too deeply about what it means that I'd also shag her. Hey, we're different in a lot of ways, too!
15. My deep, dark fandom secret: "Aliens in a Spaceship" is a great episode, but it's not my favorite.

Battlestar Galactica:

01. The first character I fell in love with: Madam President, Laura frakking Roslin
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Adama. I knew I'd like him, no doubt about that, but I kinda want him in my pants now. Ha. But you didn't hear that from me. And I'd say this should be my fandom secret, but I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. What is it about him? He's not attractive! But he's kind of hot too. WTF! Ha.
03. The character everyone else loves that I don't: Can't think of any.
04. The character I love that everyone else hates: Well, I don't love her, but I never hated Cally. And I cried when she died. I thought that was so sad.
05. The character I used to love but don't any longer: Again, can't think of any. Although Lee did make me want to smack a bitch during the trial, and Kara was acting super nutty at the beginning of season 4.
06. The character I would shag anytime: ROSLIN. Hells yes. And apparently Adama. Heh. Also, Lee. But not Baltar. I don't think they have Valtrex up there.
07. The character I want to be like: Roslin! Who wouldn't want that hair & those legs? Plus, fierce bitch is fierce.
08. The character I'd slap: Lee. All day.
09. A pairing that I love: Fuckin' ROSLIN & ADAMA, bitches. Epic Space Love Story FTW.
10. A pairing that I hate: Tigh & Six, ugh. I've blocked it out.
11. Favorite character: Laura "I AM COMING FOR ALL OF YOU" Roslin, of course.
12. My five favorite characters: Roslin, Adama, Tigh, Baltar, and Six (mostly Caprica Six, but I found all the Sixes interesting, especially Gina & Natalie).
13. My five least favorite characters: I love all my babies equally.
14. Which character I am most like: Kara for her mommy issues, Lee for his overthinking & emo-ness, Roslin for her strength, & Tigh for his snarkyness.
15. My deep, dark fandom secret: I liked the finale. Parts of it sucked, yes, but there were parts of it that I really loved as well. I think Adama/Roslin's ending in particular was perfect (although I fanwank it to believe Adama still had contact with everyone else eventually afterward. I can't bear the thought of him dying alone there with no one to bury him next to Roslin), as well as Baltar & Six's last scene. I was also satisfied by the whole Kara, Lee, & pigeon thing.

Okay, and now I need to get to bed so I can wake up early enough to do some laundry in the morning before I leave to go hang out with 5brokenfingers tomorrow. I still plan to get back to my tv recapping soon, and I'll also probably talk about how things went the other night with my nephew & niece (before all the drama), but for now I think this is good enough.

Before I go though, here's your Vid of the Day. This one's by charmax76 and shows one of the many reasons (this one being the Wesley/Illyria arc from season 5 of Angel) why Joss Whedon owns a piece of my soul. Oh my God, this arc ripped out my heart, but I loved it. And this song is perfect for them.

"Buraka Som Sistema - Sound of Kuduro" (Watch on YouTube)

Comments

[careyleah.livejournal.com]

In lieu of anything helpful or productive, I'll make my list of DVDs! :)

My family are big sharers, so I'll include them all.

Me:
My So-Called Life - complete series (1 season)
Friday Night Lights - Season 1
The Office - Seasons 1 & 2
Sports Night - complete series (2 seasons)
Farscape - Seasons 1-4 + The Peacekeeper Wars (complete)
Gilmore Girls - Seasons 1-3
Criminal Minds - Season 4
American Dreams - Season 1 (my kingdom for the rest of this show on DVD!)
Angel - Season 1
ETA: Shit, I forgot Firefly - Season 1!
Horatio Hornblower - 6 of 8 two hour TV movies (does this count?)
I also used to have Buffy Season 1 and Once & Again Season 1 (damn theives!)

My sister:
Buffy - Seasons 1-7 (complete series box set)
Supernatural - Seasons 1-3
Planet Earth - complete series
Maybe some more Angel?

My parents:
Battlestar Galactica - Season 1

There might be more - I'm going from memory. And the list of what I want is about four times as long!

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Can I steal your family? 'Cause they sound super awesome.

Also, I love Mystery Science Theatre 3000 as well. I miss that show so much.

[keenai.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think sometimes really, really bad situations are really, really bad and all we can take from them is that we survived. And then the deep reflection about What I Actually Learned About Myself comes later.

That said, why is Angela on your list right now?

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. I need to let that come later & just feel what I'm feeling right now. I guess I just need to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I already want this to be over so I don't have to feel it anymore. It's too painful. I'm tired of my family causing me pain.

I keep feeling like Angela is condescending to Bones lately. Which she always was imo, in a way, but now that Bones is trying to understand emotions, it's like, jeez cut her some slack Ange. Her "why are we friends?" comment was really harsh, I thought, I didn't like the way she expected Bones to donate money for Wendell's scholarship right in front of everyone, and I'm also not a fan of how she's handled her relationship with Wendell at work. I still like her, don't get me wrong, but I miss season 1 Angela who was so empathetic toward the victims, and so supportive to Brennan while also being eye-rolly with her, and who would drag her out to clubs & what-not. That being said though, aside from kissing Wendell in the lab, she's been growing on me more again in the most recent eps. I'm sure my annoyance with her won't last long.

[keenai.livejournal.com]

The whole Wendell thing is a bowl of ugh.

I do agree that Angela has been extra something lately. It's like they've magnified the worst bits of her personality. You know, like making her sexually harass Clark at work and nobody say anything about it because that's just Angela! It's not cool. And I love Angela! So I need her to be 100% awesome again.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I'm just ignoring the Wendell/Angela thing until it goes away, which we all know it will.

Angela has been extra something lately. It's like they've magnified the worst bits of her personality

YES. You've nailed it exactly. Come back, 100% awesome Angela!

[treeofstars.livejournal.com]

a better normal. exactly. it's good that you aren't waiting for things to go back to former normal.

confession time - I loved 8 and 9 of XF. I guess cause I was mad for Gilly, and enjoyed her screen time. I was fine not having Mulder around, although I did ache for some shippy moments. Hated IWTB, though. UGH. killed a decade long fandom for me. fail, CC. fail.

and I totally want Adama, too!!!! LOL.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I wish I had one of those "I want him in my pants" Adama icons I've seen floating around the fandom. Hee.

confession time - I loved 8 and 9 of XF

You are dead to me. Heh. No, I get it. I probably should've given it more of a chance, but I just couldn't bear watching XF without Mulder & Scully together. I hung in there for s8, but the cases started sucking (imo), and by the time s9 rolled around and the focus was on Doggett & Reyes, my attention waned. I started sitting on the computer & doing other things while it was on (which would've been inconceivable to me in previous seasons), with just an ear to the tv to hear if there was a Scully scene or Mulder mention. Very sad. But I did hear the cases in s9 were better than s8. Would you say that's true?

Also, I wasn't overly fond of IWTB either. I wanted so bad to like it, and when it started I was like "ooh, this looks like an old-school creepy MotW episode! Awesome!" But then the "twist" at the end wasn't that cool in my opinion, and Scully dragged her feet the whole time, and I just didn't get that "Mulder & Scully against the world" feeling from it. They barely worked on the case together. It bummed me out. But I will say that after a second watch, I liked it more. I dug the inside jokes and Mulder/Scully cuddle-action, and I loved seeing Skinner again. But otherwise it wouldn't even beat many of the mediocre episodes for me, aside from the shippy moments. Also: I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY MULDER & SCULLY NEKKID IN BED SCENE, CC. DAMN YOU. I mean, the cuddling was nice, but after all those years of shipping, I WANT SOME ACTION. Is that so wrong? Hee.

[treeofstars.livejournal.com]

what i loved so much about 8 and 9 was that i could not be distracted by the M/S dynamic and focus on the actual stories. so i quite enjoyed them. :)

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Omg, your icon, hee. Roslin wants to join her in her bitchfacing now.

See, I just didn't think the stories were as strong in season 8, so I didn't give them much of a chance in season 9. But different strokes for different folks. :-)

[treeofstars.livejournal.com]

no, i get that. i was always so distracted by M&S that i could never really, truly focus on just the storylines, if that makes sense. the worst ep could be made the best by a slight touch or flirtation, and the best ep (in terms of plot) could quickly fall to a boring one for me if there wasn't much M&S interaction. i was always more of a fan of THEM than i was what was going on around them, if that makes any sense!

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

It does make sense. You had to have M/S taken away from you for your own good! Hee.