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rachg82We're getting closer to the end of the year, folks, and you know what that means--a hot mess of retrospective entries full o' nothing but time-wastin' tomfoolery. I just can't help myself, what can I say? I love this kind of stuff.
I'll probably do another "Best of" TV post again, similar to last year's, except obviously this time without it being dedicated to an entire decade, but we'll see. I'll need to do some vid-hunting first, if so. The usuals will be bound to pop up (XF, BSG, Bones, Buffy, etc), but there'll probably be a few new ones this year too: Dollhouse, Southland, Parenthood, Firefly, Caprica, Parks & Recreation, Modern Family, Vanguard, Infomania, etc.
I may even put together a personal photo collage of some kind, though I'm still debating whether that should simply be included within the Year in Review, amidst quotes. That may make the review too long though, especially if I get indecisive about which pics to post, so I think I like the idea of a separate entry for that. Looking at them all put together, whether it be in a literal collage or just a select few posted in a row, should make for a good walk down memory lane.
Today, what I'd like to do is create agiant little soundtrack to bid 2010 adieu. As with the fanfic soundtrack I did a while back, this will be chock-full of songs, so look at it as something you can come back to if you want, and/or a nice thing to kick back with & unwind to when you have a few hours to spare & nothing to do. Everyone loves music, right? And you know I always embed YouTube vids, 'cause I fully support lazyness like that. (who wants to make people download shit & open multiple tabs? So annoying)
As for how this soundtrack will be organized, that was a hard thing to decide. If I were to include all my favorite/most-listened-to songs of the year, this thing would go on forever. It just wouldn't be feasible. So, instead I decided to narrow it down to the songs that carried the most emotional/memorable significance to me, either because of lyrics/sound, when the song appeared in my life, or something similar. Some of these are sad, some of these are uplifting, some of these are neither. But I love all of them, and they all say something to me about this year, one way or another.
"The feeling sometimes
Wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though
You never belong
This feeling is not sadness
This feeling is not joy
I truly understand
Please don't cry now"
This song was sent to me by a friend after "To Write Love On Her Arms" Day, when I admitted to having called a suicide hotline & self-injured this year on facebook. I've known her for years, though we've never been close because she's technically my sister's friend first (i.e. we're more so acquaintances), but her comment made an impact. Especially since it was right after the whole "you're weird/you're not normal/the whole family thinks so" fight with my sister. Which she knew had been said to me, but not by whom. Either way, the song/vid did & still does mean something to me. I wish I could go back in time & play it for every lgbtq kid who didn't make it this year, as well as every outcast out there in general (whether it be due to depression/anxiety/asperger's/ED/SI/physical disabilities/nerdyness/whatever. Take your pick) who's still struggling today. As the song says, "please don't go. I want you to stay." I'm still here & I'm selfish; as long as I don't go, I don't want anyone else to go either.
"Stand as far away from me as you can and ask me why. Hang onto your rosary beads, close your eyes, watch me die." Ngh, Gil-Scott Heron, I love you. And I of course love the original as well, but Esther Phillips' cover is just so beautiful, I can't resist it. I listened to this song many, many times this year.
"I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold onto is you, is you, is you." Preeeeeeach. This has been a favorite of mine for years now and it never gets old. Definitely came back with a vengeance this year.
"'Cause I'm gonna do me. You be mad, baby." There's not enough word in the universe. This one doesn't even need an explanation. (What up, sis)
After everything with my family started exploding in my face in February, I would listen to this song & I liked to think the lyrics represented what God would say to people if he could speak to them directly when they were left standing alone. It helped me.
"I wanted to believe you would win the war in your head that I did not understand. . .I did not understand. . .the sound of you falling (hunting you down, hunting you down). . .I did not understand." My feelings towards my mother, summed up by one song. I can only listen to it every so often, because it has the ability to make me straight-up sob if I allow it. It really, really gets me. A lifetime of hope, of trying, of hurting & pushing that hurt down, and it all ended like this, you know? The sound of you falling. That, for me, is the final note in our relationship. There's no reason to hope otherwise. All those literal sounds of her falling--times when too many bottles of pills equaled a "bad reaction", times when the manic depression drove her batshit & psych ward bound, times when the fighting in the house turned physical--are now just figurative and nothing but a legacy.
So, yeah. This song. I love it though. I hope someday the hurt fades & the few happy memories I do have of her can somehow feel less bittersweet & painful.
"Maybe all eyes are on you as you finish the race, and the world sees you struggling for last place. Whether you fall means nothing at all. It's whether you get up." Damn near sums up the entire year. Keep going, keep going, keep going.
"Y'all should be afraid of what I'm gonna do next." Official 2010 Life Transition Song, yo. GIVE IT UP. Man, I listened to a lot of Jay-Z this year. Much love.
Freedom to live & seek out meaning & joy: isn't that all any of us want? Sometimes I forget I deserve that too. There's a whole world out there. I just can't always see it.
"Maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at. Twist your head around--it's all around you." This has been a fave of mine since high school, but it recently came back into my life again and is still just as meaningful (for obvious reasons). Also: hot robot girl-on-girl action. Heyyo.
That boy & the dog--pretty much 'nuff said. I was absolutely obsessed with this video/song at 13, and it's another one that came back around this year.
"I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine."
Random, random, random. Ha. But much like Jay-Z, this one got played constantly all year long. There's no denying I've got a bad-ass wicked streak and am proud of it. It's my strength, bitchitude, & ability to detach that's kept me going this long; ergo, songs like this are automatic anthems for me. As Jay-Z says, "I got 99 problems; bein' a bitch ain't one. HIT ME." White chocolaaaate. Haha.
Hee. Oh, man--Team Meerkat, how I'll miss you. Along with Hall & Oates (prii-iivate eye, *chi-chi*, I'm watchin' you!), I'll never be able to listen to this song again without thinking of my coworkers & our Non-Purchaser Customer Soundtrack this year. Such good times.
"The more I try to erase you
The more, the more
The more that you appear."
I only discovered this song recently (via this fanvid for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), but I fucking adore it & those lyrics completely fit.
This was posted as one of my "reasons to keep living" back in August, before the suicide hotline call in September. It still moves me a lot, though it doesn't bring me to tears now like it did then. It's just so fucking beautiful, it makes my heart soar. And it's not even like I hadn't heard this song before August--obviously it's a classic; everyone's heard it--but sometimes things just *get* to you, you know? Music is everything that's right in this world.
I love the mutha-effing holy hell out of this man. I was introduced to him by a friend back in June, and his songs got me through so many sad days. Jens Lekman = sweet deep-toned joy.
"I'm the hero of the story--don't need to be saved." (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sonneta, here's where you can break in with one of your Destiny's Child peptalks if you want. Hee)
"I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control.
I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice
when I'm not around.
You're so fuckin' special--I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the Hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."
This song hits me where it hurts. Moreover, it obviously holds significance because of my fic. But even more than that, it really does touch on so much of what I felt as I tried opening up, changing, and persevering/healing in different ways this year. Also, God knows I couldn't let this soundtrack pass by without Amanda Palmer popping up somewhere (hence why I chose her version of this song vs. the original or the Scala Choir cover, which I also like). I was obsesssssssed with her throughout much of 2010.
Keepin' things interesting by using Johnny's cover here vs. NIN's original. Either way, this song doesn't really need an explanation. The lyrics stand on their own.
I listened to a *lot* of instrumental music this year and this song was one of the most-played pieces. On days when everything else was too much for me to deal with, the lights would get turned off & music like this is what would get turned on. It's how I kept going.
"Sometimes it's hard to find a way to keep on
Quiet weekends, holidays, you come undone
Open your window and look upon
All the kinds of alive you can be
Be still, be light, believe me"
I adore this song & could listen to it over & over again. And do, frequently.
The old-timers here will remember this was my anthem back in 2003, and it became one again in 2010. Except this time, it stuck. And I meant it. No looking back.
"Fight, fight, fight, fight, never surrender."
"When they tellin' you that you can't, you shouldn't, you won't--tell 'em this, tell 'em this."
"And in a way I'm yearning to be done with all this measuring of truth. . .and I'm not afraid to die." Naked & honest, that right there is one of the things that's made this year the hardest to get through. I stopped being afraid to die. It just plain stopped mattering that much to me. I feel the same way about pain in general. Ask me to walk over hot coals? I'd laugh in your face. Like, do you REALLY think that would be a problem? Bring it. I'll stand on them & do a little dance if you want. It doesn't mean I'm fearless--far from it--but my levels of detachment have reached epic proportions, that's all. It makes overcoming depression a challenge sometimes.
This song gives me what5brokenfingers calls "augasms". In other words: musical meltdowns of ecstasy. I can't even say how many times I listened to it this year. It's so unbelievably, gorgeously sad, but not in a depressing way. It's like it reaches in, grabs your heart, and just holds onto it, giving your sadness a positive reason for existing, just for the sake of its beauty alone. After all, we're all in this together. Everyone gets sad, even though we don't all get sad in the same way or for the same reasons. If that weren't true, music like this wouldn't be around, now would it? It just makes you feel so much less alone when you remember that.
This song is actually really kind of painful for me, because it's associated with self-injury for me, as well as some of my most suicidal moments, but it's a reminder of my strength at the same time. This year has been fucking hard. Just hard. But I'm still here.
Continuing my instrumental theme, here. It wouldn't be right to let this soundtrack pass without some Philip Glass included. I already feel bad enough for not stuffing it full of Bear McCreary as it is (just pretend I did).
"You've been waiting a long time to fall down."
"Shine your light for the world to see." I've spent way too much of my life only letting people know me *to a point* & only loving myself *to a point*. I want to find a way to love who I am, the whole way through. I don't know how.
"This mornin' I woke up, feelin' brand new, & I jumped up--feelin' my highs & my lows." It's a bumpy ride, letting yourself feel without rigid restraint & moving away from people/things that are bad for you. Very bumpy.
"But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all. I'm not as strong as I thought." There's nothing like having a total breakdown to kill your self-confidence. It's very disconcerting to say the least. Even beginning to pull yourself back up & finding a way to look at it as anything other than "I'm a failure" is not easy.
"The joy is to be alive, to get another chance. Every day's another chance. To get it right this time. Every day's another chance. Oh, what a merciful, merciful God." When I first watched this vid again (I say "again" because I'd of course heard the song before, when it first came out) a few months back, I absolutely wept at that part. I won't even lie. I'm really glad I rediscovered it.
"You will make it. You will make it through, I promise you." Those lyrics were the subject heading for the second half of my Decade in Review post back in January, and it means a lot to me to listen to this song again now & remember what writing that meant to me then. I wrote that subject heading for my younger self, basically. I didn't realize I was also writing it for my future self, in a way.
And, finally, the most meaningful song of the year for me. This is the song/artist I discovered in the hours after calling the suicide hotline in September & I included it in my entry that night. It's a simple thing, but I wouldn't have heard this song if I'd been dead, you know? His voice, the cello, all of it. And it's fucking beautiful to boot. It just, yeah. I don't know what else to say about it. It sort of just speaks for itself.
Obviously, with all those songs, this entry doesn't really need a Vid of the Day, but I'm going to be sneaky & include one anyway since this one fits. Behold, my favorite vid of the year:
There is heat & freezing, be a testament.
I'll probably do another "Best of" TV post again, similar to last year's, except obviously this time without it being dedicated to an entire decade, but we'll see. I'll need to do some vid-hunting first, if so. The usuals will be bound to pop up (XF, BSG, Bones, Buffy, etc), but there'll probably be a few new ones this year too: Dollhouse, Southland, Parenthood, Firefly, Caprica, Parks & Recreation, Modern Family, Vanguard, Infomania, etc.
I may even put together a personal photo collage of some kind, though I'm still debating whether that should simply be included within the Year in Review, amidst quotes. That may make the review too long though, especially if I get indecisive about which pics to post, so I think I like the idea of a separate entry for that. Looking at them all put together, whether it be in a literal collage or just a select few posted in a row, should make for a good walk down memory lane.
Today, what I'd like to do is create a
As for how this soundtrack will be organized, that was a hard thing to decide. If I were to include all my favorite/most-listened-to songs of the year, this thing would go on forever. It just wouldn't be feasible. So, instead I decided to narrow it down to the songs that carried the most emotional/memorable significance to me, either because of lyrics/sound, when the song appeared in my life, or something similar. Some of these are sad, some of these are uplifting, some of these are neither. But I love all of them, and they all say something to me about this year, one way or another.
"The feeling sometimes
Wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though
You never belong
This feeling is not sadness
This feeling is not joy
I truly understand
Please don't cry now"
This song was sent to me by a friend after "To Write Love On Her Arms" Day, when I admitted to having called a suicide hotline & self-injured this year on facebook. I've known her for years, though we've never been close because she's technically my sister's friend first (i.e. we're more so acquaintances), but her comment made an impact. Especially since it was right after the whole "you're weird/you're not normal/the whole family thinks so" fight with my sister. Which she knew had been said to me, but not by whom. Either way, the song/vid did & still does mean something to me. I wish I could go back in time & play it for every lgbtq kid who didn't make it this year, as well as every outcast out there in general (whether it be due to depression/anxiety/asperger's/ED/SI/physical disabilities/nerdyness/whatever. Take your pick) who's still struggling today. As the song says, "please don't go. I want you to stay." I'm still here & I'm selfish; as long as I don't go, I don't want anyone else to go either.
"Stand as far away from me as you can and ask me why. Hang onto your rosary beads, close your eyes, watch me die." Ngh, Gil-Scott Heron, I love you. And I of course love the original as well, but Esther Phillips' cover is just so beautiful, I can't resist it. I listened to this song many, many times this year.
"I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold onto is you, is you, is you." Preeeeeeach. This has been a favorite of mine for years now and it never gets old. Definitely came back with a vengeance this year.
"'Cause I'm gonna do me. You be mad, baby." There's not enough word in the universe. This one doesn't even need an explanation. (What up, sis)
After everything with my family started exploding in my face in February, I would listen to this song & I liked to think the lyrics represented what God would say to people if he could speak to them directly when they were left standing alone. It helped me.
"I wanted to believe you would win the war in your head that I did not understand. . .I did not understand. . .the sound of you falling (hunting you down, hunting you down). . .I did not understand." My feelings towards my mother, summed up by one song. I can only listen to it every so often, because it has the ability to make me straight-up sob if I allow it. It really, really gets me. A lifetime of hope, of trying, of hurting & pushing that hurt down, and it all ended like this, you know? The sound of you falling. That, for me, is the final note in our relationship. There's no reason to hope otherwise. All those literal sounds of her falling--times when too many bottles of pills equaled a "bad reaction", times when the manic depression drove her batshit & psych ward bound, times when the fighting in the house turned physical--are now just figurative and nothing but a legacy.
So, yeah. This song. I love it though. I hope someday the hurt fades & the few happy memories I do have of her can somehow feel less bittersweet & painful.
"Maybe all eyes are on you as you finish the race, and the world sees you struggling for last place. Whether you fall means nothing at all. It's whether you get up." Damn near sums up the entire year. Keep going, keep going, keep going.
"Y'all should be afraid of what I'm gonna do next." Official 2010 Life Transition Song, yo. GIVE IT UP. Man, I listened to a lot of Jay-Z this year. Much love.
Freedom to live & seek out meaning & joy: isn't that all any of us want? Sometimes I forget I deserve that too. There's a whole world out there. I just can't always see it.
"Maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at. Twist your head around--it's all around you." This has been a fave of mine since high school, but it recently came back into my life again and is still just as meaningful (for obvious reasons). Also: hot robot girl-on-girl action. Heyyo.
That boy & the dog--pretty much 'nuff said. I was absolutely obsessed with this video/song at 13, and it's another one that came back around this year.
"I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine."
Random, random, random. Ha. But much like Jay-Z, this one got played constantly all year long. There's no denying I've got a bad-ass wicked streak and am proud of it. It's my strength, bitchitude, & ability to detach that's kept me going this long; ergo, songs like this are automatic anthems for me. As Jay-Z says, "I got 99 problems; bein' a bitch ain't one. HIT ME." White chocolaaaate. Haha.
Hee. Oh, man--Team Meerkat, how I'll miss you. Along with Hall & Oates (prii-iivate eye, *chi-chi*, I'm watchin' you!), I'll never be able to listen to this song again without thinking of my coworkers & our Non-Purchaser Customer Soundtrack this year. Such good times.
"The more I try to erase you
The more, the more
The more that you appear."
I only discovered this song recently (via this fanvid for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), but I fucking adore it & those lyrics completely fit.
This was posted as one of my "reasons to keep living" back in August, before the suicide hotline call in September. It still moves me a lot, though it doesn't bring me to tears now like it did then. It's just so fucking beautiful, it makes my heart soar. And it's not even like I hadn't heard this song before August--obviously it's a classic; everyone's heard it--but sometimes things just *get* to you, you know? Music is everything that's right in this world.
I love the mutha-effing holy hell out of this man. I was introduced to him by a friend back in June, and his songs got me through so many sad days. Jens Lekman = sweet deep-toned joy.
"I'm the hero of the story--don't need to be saved." (
sonneta, here's where you can break in with one of your Destiny's Child peptalks if you want. Hee)"I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control.
I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice
when I'm not around.
You're so fuckin' special--I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the Hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."
This song hits me where it hurts. Moreover, it obviously holds significance because of my fic. But even more than that, it really does touch on so much of what I felt as I tried opening up, changing, and persevering/healing in different ways this year. Also, God knows I couldn't let this soundtrack pass by without Amanda Palmer popping up somewhere (hence why I chose her version of this song vs. the original or the Scala Choir cover, which I also like). I was obsesssssssed with her throughout much of 2010.
Keepin' things interesting by using Johnny's cover here vs. NIN's original. Either way, this song doesn't really need an explanation. The lyrics stand on their own.
I listened to a *lot* of instrumental music this year and this song was one of the most-played pieces. On days when everything else was too much for me to deal with, the lights would get turned off & music like this is what would get turned on. It's how I kept going.
"Sometimes it's hard to find a way to keep on
Quiet weekends, holidays, you come undone
Open your window and look upon
All the kinds of alive you can be
Be still, be light, believe me"
I adore this song & could listen to it over & over again. And do, frequently.
The old-timers here will remember this was my anthem back in 2003, and it became one again in 2010. Except this time, it stuck. And I meant it. No looking back.
"Fight, fight, fight, fight, never surrender."
"When they tellin' you that you can't, you shouldn't, you won't--tell 'em this, tell 'em this."
"And in a way I'm yearning to be done with all this measuring of truth. . .and I'm not afraid to die." Naked & honest, that right there is one of the things that's made this year the hardest to get through. I stopped being afraid to die. It just plain stopped mattering that much to me. I feel the same way about pain in general. Ask me to walk over hot coals? I'd laugh in your face. Like, do you REALLY think that would be a problem? Bring it. I'll stand on them & do a little dance if you want. It doesn't mean I'm fearless--far from it--but my levels of detachment have reached epic proportions, that's all. It makes overcoming depression a challenge sometimes.
This song gives me what
5brokenfingers calls "augasms". In other words: musical meltdowns of ecstasy. I can't even say how many times I listened to it this year. It's so unbelievably, gorgeously sad, but not in a depressing way. It's like it reaches in, grabs your heart, and just holds onto it, giving your sadness a positive reason for existing, just for the sake of its beauty alone. After all, we're all in this together. Everyone gets sad, even though we don't all get sad in the same way or for the same reasons. If that weren't true, music like this wouldn't be around, now would it? It just makes you feel so much less alone when you remember that.This song is actually really kind of painful for me, because it's associated with self-injury for me, as well as some of my most suicidal moments, but it's a reminder of my strength at the same time. This year has been fucking hard. Just hard. But I'm still here.
Continuing my instrumental theme, here. It wouldn't be right to let this soundtrack pass without some Philip Glass included. I already feel bad enough for not stuffing it full of Bear McCreary as it is (just pretend I did).
"You've been waiting a long time to fall down."
"Shine your light for the world to see." I've spent way too much of my life only letting people know me *to a point* & only loving myself *to a point*. I want to find a way to love who I am, the whole way through. I don't know how.
"This mornin' I woke up, feelin' brand new, & I jumped up--feelin' my highs & my lows." It's a bumpy ride, letting yourself feel without rigid restraint & moving away from people/things that are bad for you. Very bumpy.
"But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all. I'm not as strong as I thought." There's nothing like having a total breakdown to kill your self-confidence. It's very disconcerting to say the least. Even beginning to pull yourself back up & finding a way to look at it as anything other than "I'm a failure" is not easy.
"The joy is to be alive, to get another chance. Every day's another chance. To get it right this time. Every day's another chance. Oh, what a merciful, merciful God." When I first watched this vid again (I say "again" because I'd of course heard the song before, when it first came out) a few months back, I absolutely wept at that part. I won't even lie. I'm really glad I rediscovered it.
"You will make it. You will make it through, I promise you." Those lyrics were the subject heading for the second half of my Decade in Review post back in January, and it means a lot to me to listen to this song again now & remember what writing that meant to me then. I wrote that subject heading for my younger self, basically. I didn't realize I was also writing it for my future self, in a way.
And, finally, the most meaningful song of the year for me. This is the song/artist I discovered in the hours after calling the suicide hotline in September & I included it in my entry that night. It's a simple thing, but I wouldn't have heard this song if I'd been dead, you know? His voice, the cello, all of it. And it's fucking beautiful to boot. It just, yeah. I don't know what else to say about it. It sort of just speaks for itself.
Obviously, with all those songs, this entry doesn't really need a Vid of the Day, but I'm going to be sneaky & include one anyway since this one fits. Behold, my favorite vid of the year:
There is heat & freezing, be a testament.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-25 04:17 pm (UTC)I also wanted to tell you that I love your posts every day, even if I haven't gotten around to responding much these days (RL a little crazy).
Have a great holiday and New Year!
Emma
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-26 02:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-26 07:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-26 08:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-28 01:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-28 04:27 am (UTC)