rachg82

-Firstly, a big thank you to a2zmom and crystalcazzie for the cards and delicious chocolatey goodness. That was such a nice thing to come home to yesterday.

-All the shows going on hiatus is bumming me out a bit; however, after nearly losing my tv/phone/internet this week, I'm just grateful to be able to see ANY shows right about now. And at least Southland is coming back next month! FINALLY.

-I went to PCC yesterday to see an academic advisor, so of course my luck determined that their office would be closed. I was there on a normal day during normal hours, but it was the ONE weekday all month (aside from Christmas) that they had to be Not Open for some reason. Figures. It wasn't a wasted trip though, because I was able to talk to the financial aid people again, confirm my application has been processed (I had originally been told it could take until late January), and get the appeal form I'll need (they based my financial need on last year's taxes, not taking into account my unemployed brokeitude in 2011. This form would appeal that to see if I can get additional grants). So, now I just need to return that form, approve the loans, talk to an advisor/possibly take placement tests again (if needed), and then decide which classes--and how many classes--to take.

-My counseling appt got rescheduled twice this week (first by my therapist, because she was summoned into court, and then by me because I woke up with a migraine), but when I see her next I think I need to talk through some anxiety stuff that's been peeking back out surrounding school. It's been really surreal going back to that campus the last few times, and it turns out I still have a lot of baggage associated with my experiences there. For one, because of certain memories that took place there (e.g. this one particularly horrible day when Mom screamed at me in the parking lot & utterly lost her shit, the difficulty I had with my social phobias there, various classes I never completed after my panic attacks got bad, etc), but also because of current insecurities & years-old shame that somehow make me feel I'm not "worthy" of even being there, like everyone who so much as looks at me knows it. Which is irrational, but it is what it is. And part of it is the same anxiety I've been trying to work through regarding being around people more again in general, but there's no doubt that some is very school/memory-specific -- otherwise I wouldn't be getting that ~everything in slow-motion~ level of self-consciousness again over something as simple as walking down stairs in front of strangers (which was one of my phobias back then, so).

It's just something I'll have to be aware of & work on while I also continue to make sure I check in with myself about how realistic (or not) my expectations are, re: what I can handle at any given time. I may also sit down to do at least one of my old exposure worksheets before the term starts, since I can sense--without even seriously analyzing anything--that there's like a conga line of Thinking Errors dancing their way through my head whenever I set foot on that campus. Like, I go to use the vending machine or whatever, hesitate because it has a different setup than I'm familiar with, and instantly there's this litany of "EVERYONE'S PROBABLY LOOKING AT YOU & THINKING YOU'RE A BRAINLESS WACKJOB. WHY DO YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOME WITHOUT A HELMET?"-esque abuse. And then I wonder why I feel nervous. *rolls eyes* Not to mention feeling nervous distracts you & adds to confusion. Which then feeds back into the "YOU'RE AN IDIOT, SELF" train of insults. Ugh.

Still, unsettled & shaky feeling or not, I have been doing things I needed up there when I've gone, I have talked to people, and I feel pretty good about that.

-I have an idea for a short story (not fanfic), but part of its premise (an entire community aging backwards) could easily be related to an already existing movie. I haven't seen this movie, mind you, but still. If the inspiration continues, I may write it anyway, but IDK yet.

-Let's wrap this entry up with that meme, y/y? ( Psych and Parks & Rec )

1. Today is dosidella's birthday, and though I've already wished her a happy one, I'm gonna do so again now. She may or may not be receiving her gift in the form of a miniature pony named Grease Lightning. What? Don't act like you haven't always wanted one.

2 One more day until new Psych! USA's been airing a lot of reruns this week, too, which is enjoyable as I still haven't seen all the eps. That show is great for picking my spirits up when I'm feeling down.

3. Speaking of feeling down: apologies in advance for the TMI, but I woke up vomiting again last night, i.e. was doing it in my sleep. I'm so frustrated by my health right now, I can't even say. Every time I think things might be settling down, my body's all, "Ha! Gotcha."

4. I have two appointments today -- one with a doctor to check in on the new med, and the other with the counselor. I'm in one of those moods where I really don't even want to go & talk to anyone, but I will.

ETA: Scratch that. Leave it to me to forget I don't have enough change for a bus ticket & am still waiting for my new ATM card to come in the mail, meaning I should've left much earlier to get to the bank & withdraw money face-to-face in time to catch the bus. Now, there's no way I can get there on time, like even close. The clinic called me this morning to confirm the appointment too; now, I have to reschedule & feel like a flake. Arghhh.

5. I called rental assistance yesterday, but it was too early for them to help me as I hadn't been given a written eviction notice yet. I talked with my apartments & they said it should be done today, but I don't know at what time. So, depending on that, I may be able to call rental assistance back this afternoon or may have to wait until tomorrow morning.

6. I only have one section left on my fic, y'all. One. Uno. So close I can taste it. I think I might almost be sad to see it finished, but seriously, it's been eight months. Time to wrap this bad boy up. It's not even that long for crap's sake. (hovering between 5,500-6,000 words, currently) It's just been a really slow process with lots of obsessive editing. I hope it resonates with people though. It makes me want to cry like ten thousand times while reading it, myself, haha. But not in a bad way! It just evolved to become much more about processing grief & trauma than I originally thought it would, that's all.

7. I went with B to the food pantry last night, then Trader Joe's where she got me about $60 worth of food, including a gluten-free chocolate cake, which was at her insistence btw. Heh. I haven't had any yet (it's chillin' in my freezer -- pun intended), but CHOCOLATE. Always a good.

Shopping at the food pantry was difficult, because of my food intolerances & because there wasn't a huge number of options. As it is, the only kind of GF cereal I saw there was Corn Flakes, and…yeah, I'm not supposed to have corn. But I was all, "that's a huge box, self, FOR FREE. Plus, it's not like you've entirely eliminated corn yet, what with the tortillas & all. Give it a shot." I mean, the type of corn is different--tortillas are simple, with few ingredients, while the cereal has corn syrup added & crap--but still. So I did, upon returning home, having a bowl of it + a sliced-up banana for dinner since my stomach was already being acidy to begin with (and I thought it'd be fairly bland). Cue: waking up three hours later with gooey banana/cereal chunks all over my shirt/pillow. Fun. I'd say I need to wait longer after eating before going to bed, but honestly the same thing has happened even when I did. That time it happened when I was camping last summer, I ate around six pm, fell asleep probably around midnight, and woke up around 6/7 am the next morning barfing on my sleeping bag. So, who the eff knows.

At least I got food though. And I think I can eat most of the stuff from TJ's without a huge issue. I'm most excited to try the brown rice tortillas I got, which I haven't seen ANYWHERE else, except online. I only wish they weren't so expensive. You can get a giant amount of little corn tortillas for like two bucks, seriously. Meanwhile you can pay like a dollar or two MORE for exactly four big rice tortillas. I HATE MY STOMACH. Apparently it doesn't understand how much I love tacos & burritos.

8. Ken Jennings has an Asian clone. Or at least that's my theory. There's a dude on Jeopardy right now that is gettin' it, day after day. I love it when that happens.

9. My neighbors decorated our entire side of the building with fake spiders & cobwebs. It's cute.

10. Oh, I almost forgot! My friend B told me that if rent assistance falls through, she can swing the rest (something like $140, assuming I don't pay off any other bills) to cover October, minus the late fee -- which my manager told me can be pushed off anyway. I assume that means if it *doesn't* fall through, but I still need a little help next month (which: I will, unless my manager magically decides to let me have free room & board), she might be able to help me then. Not enough to cover the whole thing, obviously, but a portion. I wish I didn't have to think about any of this, it still totally stresses me out, but at least I'm not totally alone in it either.

For my Vid of the Day, how about some T.T. Showbiz action? (the extra T is for extra talent) Credit goes to CliffyProd. Enjoy:

1. I just deleted a giant Pity Party post-in-progress (fun with alliteration!), because I decided I'd rather be less of a Debbie Downer. I'll just say this: I was defriended today by someone I've known on LJ for almost nine years. No word, no warning, and I don't know why it was done. I'm sad. I don't want to hear any logical reasons for why it might've happened (I can think of them on my own, but the point is I can't confirm which one is correct, and the result is the same either way) or why I "shouldn't" be sad. I'm just sad. I cried, and I don't do that very often these days. I'm beginning to just feel cold inside again, and I'm trying to fight back against that.

Because I felt it was an appropriate time, and because I've been friended by a lot of people lately (not all of whom have actually interacted with me yet directly), I updated my profile to give a more detailed description of my thoughts regarding flists & friending/defriending. Feel free to shoot over & take a gander if you'd like.

2. I talked to Kevin tonight (on the phone) for the first time in probably a year. ( cut for a bit of rambling )

3. My hair is ridic. It's already several inches past my shoulders. It was only this long last summer:



WTF. It's always been like this (i.e. a fast-growing son of a cunttrap), but still. This is why we can't have nice things. Whenever I manage to get back into the salon, it's going to cost me an arm & a leg to have it done.

4. I'd like to wish a huge Happy Birthday to custardpringle. I hope you have a wonderful day, bb! You deserve it. ♥

5. I haven't done the "3 songs I'm listening to today" thing in a while (more than a week counts as a "while", right?), ( so let's go ahead & do that. )

For my Vid of the Day, I'll continue torturing tempertemper with Psych's irresistible awesomeness via this fanvid by isisgirl2. Muahahaha.