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Time, time, time keeps on slippin'
Dec. 16th, 2011 11:38 pm-Firstly, a big thank you to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
a2zmom and crystalcazzie for the cards and delicious chocolatey goodness. That was such a nice thing to come home to yesterday.
-All the shows going on hiatus is bumming me out a bit; however, after nearly losing my tv/phone/internet this week, I'm just grateful to be able to see ANY shows right about now. And at least Southland is coming back next month! FINALLY.
-I went to PCC yesterday to see an academic advisor, so of course my luck determined that their office would be closed. I was there on a normal day during normal hours, but it was the ONE weekday all month (aside from Christmas) that they had to be Not Open for some reason. Figures. It wasn't a wasted trip though, because I was able to talk to the financial aid people again, confirm my application has been processed (I had originally been told it could take until late January), and get the appeal form I'll need (they based my financial need on last year's taxes, not taking into account my unemployed brokeitude in 2011. This form would appeal that to see if I can get additional grants). So, now I just need to return that form, approve the loans, talk to an advisor/possibly take placement tests again (if needed), and then decide which classes--and how many classes--to take.
-My counseling appt got rescheduled twice this week (first by my therapist, because she was summoned into court, and then by me because I woke up with a migraine), but when I see her next I think I need to talk through some anxiety stuff that's been peeking back out surrounding school. It's been really surreal going back to that campus the last few times, and it turns out I still have a lot of baggage associated with my experiences there. For one, because of certain memories that took place there (e.g. this one particularly horrible day when Mom screamed at me in the parking lot & utterly lost her shit, the difficulty I had with my social phobias there, various classes I never completed after my panic attacks got bad, etc), but also because of current insecurities & years-old shame that somehow make me feel I'm not "worthy" of even being there, like everyone who so much as looks at me knows it. Which is irrational, but it is what it is. And part of it is the same anxiety I've been trying to work through regarding being around people more again in general, but there's no doubt that some is very school/memory-specific -- otherwise I wouldn't be getting that ~everything in slow-motion~ level of self-consciousness again over something as simple as walking down stairs in front of strangers (which was one of my phobias back then, so).
It's just something I'll have to be aware of & work on while I also continue to make sure I check in with myself about how realistic (or not) my expectations are, re: what I can handle at any given time. I may also sit down to do at least one of my old exposure worksheets before the term starts, since I can sense--without even seriously analyzing anything--that there's like a conga line of Thinking Errors dancing their way through my head whenever I set foot on that campus. Like, I go to use the vending machine or whatever, hesitate because it has a different setup than I'm familiar with, and instantly there's this litany of "EVERYONE'S PROBABLY LOOKING AT YOU & THINKING YOU'RE A BRAINLESS WACKJOB. WHY DO YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOME WITHOUT A HELMET?"-esque abuse. And then I wonder why I feel nervous. *rolls eyes* Not to mention feeling nervous distracts you & adds to confusion. Which then feeds back into the "YOU'RE AN IDIOT, SELF" train of insults. Ugh.
Still, unsettled & shaky feeling or not, I have been doing things I needed up there when I've gone, I have talked to people, and I feel pretty good about that.
-I have an idea for a short story (not fanfic), but part of its premise (an entire community aging backwards) could easily be related to an already existing movie. I haven't seen this movie, mind you, but still. If the inspiration continues, I may write it anyway, but IDK yet.
-Let's wrap this entry up with that meme, y/y? ( Psych and Parks & Rec )
a2zmom and crystalcazzie for the cards and delicious chocolatey goodness. That was such a nice thing to come home to yesterday.-All the shows going on hiatus is bumming me out a bit; however, after nearly losing my tv/phone/internet this week, I'm just grateful to be able to see ANY shows right about now. And at least Southland is coming back next month! FINALLY.
-I went to PCC yesterday to see an academic advisor, so of course my luck determined that their office would be closed. I was there on a normal day during normal hours, but it was the ONE weekday all month (aside from Christmas) that they had to be Not Open for some reason. Figures. It wasn't a wasted trip though, because I was able to talk to the financial aid people again, confirm my application has been processed (I had originally been told it could take until late January), and get the appeal form I'll need (they based my financial need on last year's taxes, not taking into account my unemployed brokeitude in 2011. This form would appeal that to see if I can get additional grants). So, now I just need to return that form, approve the loans, talk to an advisor/possibly take placement tests again (if needed), and then decide which classes--and how many classes--to take.
-My counseling appt got rescheduled twice this week (first by my therapist, because she was summoned into court, and then by me because I woke up with a migraine), but when I see her next I think I need to talk through some anxiety stuff that's been peeking back out surrounding school. It's been really surreal going back to that campus the last few times, and it turns out I still have a lot of baggage associated with my experiences there. For one, because of certain memories that took place there (e.g. this one particularly horrible day when Mom screamed at me in the parking lot & utterly lost her shit, the difficulty I had with my social phobias there, various classes I never completed after my panic attacks got bad, etc), but also because of current insecurities & years-old shame that somehow make me feel I'm not "worthy" of even being there, like everyone who so much as looks at me knows it. Which is irrational, but it is what it is. And part of it is the same anxiety I've been trying to work through regarding being around people more again in general, but there's no doubt that some is very school/memory-specific -- otherwise I wouldn't be getting that ~everything in slow-motion~ level of self-consciousness again over something as simple as walking down stairs in front of strangers (which was one of my phobias back then, so).
It's just something I'll have to be aware of & work on while I also continue to make sure I check in with myself about how realistic (or not) my expectations are, re: what I can handle at any given time. I may also sit down to do at least one of my old exposure worksheets before the term starts, since I can sense--without even seriously analyzing anything--that there's like a conga line of Thinking Errors dancing their way through my head whenever I set foot on that campus. Like, I go to use the vending machine or whatever, hesitate because it has a different setup than I'm familiar with, and instantly there's this litany of "EVERYONE'S PROBABLY LOOKING AT YOU & THINKING YOU'RE A BRAINLESS WACKJOB. WHY DO YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOME WITHOUT A HELMET?"-esque abuse. And then I wonder why I feel nervous. *rolls eyes* Not to mention feeling nervous distracts you & adds to confusion. Which then feeds back into the "YOU'RE AN IDIOT, SELF" train of insults. Ugh.
Still, unsettled & shaky feeling or not, I have been doing things I needed up there when I've gone, I have talked to people, and I feel pretty good about that.
-I have an idea for a short story (not fanfic), but part of its premise (an entire community aging backwards) could easily be related to an already existing movie. I haven't seen this movie, mind you, but still. If the inspiration continues, I may write it anyway, but IDK yet.
-Let's wrap this entry up with that meme, y/y? ( Psych and Parks & Rec )
