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rachg82As y'all know, I finally finished the fic of doom, a.k.a. the eternal story that would not die (okay, so it didn't really take THAT long, but shh), which can only mean one thing: time for a soundtrack. Heyyo.
I decided not to include any repeats here from previous fic playlists, despite the fact that I did listen to some of the same stuff while writing it, but even so this bad boy still consists of no less than forty songs. Some clearly influenced the story, while others merely played in the background & assisted with mojo. That being said, you don't need to have read it or even be into the show to enjoy the music (hopefully).
Since there are so many tracks, and since LJ gets wonky loading YouTube vids these days, I won't embed them -- just gonna share the links. I will share quotes & thoughts on some of the choices, too, but not every single one.
-And I Hope, Floetry.
"Those who come with me are those who have always been there, anyway…so, where's the loss?"
This was actually one of the first songs to play a role in helping me develop my fic, and it made an impact on me personally as well.
-Butterfly, Tom Pyrdol.
I've listened to a lot of Tom Pyrdol over the last year, especially while writing. It's a comfort to me. This song in particular felt like the right choice to start my story with, which is why I posted it at the beginning -- not only because of the sound, but because of the title itself. A cookie to you, btw, if you can spot the metamorphosis motif in my previous fics. Along with repeating cycles, non-duality, nursery rhymes, and apparently the ocean (heh, shout-out to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
limone1), it shows up more than once.
-All My Stars Aligned, St. Vincent.
"There are no signs. There are no stars aligned, no amulets, not a charm to bring you back to my arms. There's just this human heart. It's built with this human flaw. What was your question? Love is the answer."
Ohh, St. Vincent. You're gonna see quite a few more picks from her throughout this soundtrack, though I'll try to stagger them out. I've been just slightly (and by "slightly" I mean a lot) in love with her music lately. Well, also her face, as my Hot 26…ish List made clear.
-Diaspora Oratorio and The Shape of Things To Come, Bear McCreary.
A two-parter of awesomeness. Bear McCreary…I can't even. Hearing these two songs live is just like ealighoighgh. I listened to them quite a bit while writing the final section. The bittersweet quality of Diaspora Oratorio especially worked for me.
-Fly Away, Poe.
One of my favorite songs about grief & acceptance. Love it. P.S. I'm linking to a fanvid here (though I'm not familiar with the fandom) because it's the only decent quality upload of the song I could find.
-Landslide, Fleetwood Mac.
"Well, I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too."
Obvious choice. Makes me verklempt.
-What's Wrong With Me, Skye.
-June on the West Coast, Bright Eyes.
"My heart has thawed & continues to beat."
…'nuff said.
-The Party, St. Vincent.
"That's the trouble with ticking & talking."
I've been listening to this song so much over the past few months that I constantly find myself humming it throughout the day. Not surpisingly, it had some influences on the fic as well.
-Today, Jeremy Larson.
-Monochrome, Dominique A & Yann Tiersen.
"And I'm tired now…"
I listened to this one quite a few times right around the middle of my fic. It goes well with the image I had in my mind of Brennan in her first apartment.
-Memories in the Rain, Tom Pyrdol.
-Keep Livin', Jean Grae.
-Shirk, Meshell Ndegeocello.
"I left you no home."
When I started this fic, I didn't know exactly where it would go. I knew I wanted to delve deeper into Brennan's past, and I had a few specific ideas I wanted to explore, but somewhere along the way it evolved to include her family members' perspective as well. The section about Ruth/Christine was particularly cathartic for me, as was the final section at the grave.
-All is Full of Love, Bjork (sung here by the PS22 Chorus).
-Machine Gun, Portishead.
-Marrow, St. Vincent.
"I wish I had a gentle mind & a spine made up of iron."
The shot in this vid of her staring at the sign (reading "HELP ME") stuck with me while writing the first section of my fic. The idea that she has this message that she's trying to convey, yet can't (at least not verbally at that moment & certainly not non-verbally most of the time otherwise), the sense of detachment & isolation (amongst a crowd), the blank faces -- all of it. It just works.
-Agnus Dei, Samuel Barber (sung here by the Accentus Chamber Choir).
-The Differently Sentient, Bear McCreary.
-Tell Me About Your Day, Skye.
-Unravel, Bjork.
"When you come back, we'll have to make new love."
Like I said in my story, you can't undo something, only redefine it. That's one of the things I wanted to express with the return of Russ & Max into Brennan's life, in addition to her own healing process.
-These Days, Jackson Browne (sung here by--you guessed it--St. Vincent).
I've fallen in love with this song recently. The lyrics are so quietly heartbreaking.
-Dead Things, Philip Glass.
-Failure, Laura Marling.
"If it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again -- 'cause so many don't, and so many go unnamed."
-Remaining, Adam Hurst.
-Les Jours Tristes, Yann Tiersen.
-Make Believe, Jeremy Larson.
"What doesn't kill me makes me strong, but drives you far from me."
-Got a Suitcase, Got Regrets, Tom McRae.
-Black Rainbow, St. Vincent.
-Theme of Laura (reprise), Silent Hill 2 OST.
-Rolling in the Deep, Adele.
-La Valse d'Amelie, Yann Tiersen.
-Name, Goo Goo Dolls.
Identity & the meaning of things, how to tell what's true & what's not, all played a significant role with this story, particularly because of all the many ~names~ these characters have. I was thinking the other day about how Brennan said at one point that Max was gone for most of her life & how she "never really had a father", trying to understand her perspective on that (since he was there until she was fifteen), and it came to me in a flash that of course she'd view it like "Max" hadn't been there. Because he hadn't been, not really. It was "Matt Brennan" that raised her, not Max Keenan. And Matt was a lie --how much of that identity was a lie is unclear, but it's still false. Ergo, the father she thought she knew never really existed. Some might say that's a pretty figurative way to put it for her, but I don't think she's saying it that way on purpose or is even aware how much she's revealing about her feelings. It's more like one of those things that sort of just slips out, and you think you're saying one thing, but you're really saying another. It's also a very black & white way of viewing the entire situation, which is totally up her alley. The fact that she buried her mother under the name of Christine Brennan, the woman she knew, is a clear indicator that she's dealing with all of it from a very emotional standpoint, not a strictly logical one, because obviously she contradicts herself. She doesn't call Max "Matt" when he returns. But it IS different, because her mother is dead (and has been for a long time), while her father is alive.
-Desperado, Tori Amos (cover).
-Laughing With a Mouth of Blood, St. Vincent.
-Blackbird, The Beatles.
-I Do Not Want This, Nine Inch Nails.
"Maybe if I could just reach you, I could leave this place."
-Capture Time, Tom Pyrdol.
-Human Racing, St. Vincent.
"Little lamb, what's your plan? Greener pastures in the sky? It's a shame you want to die--no, why--just to find you've been blinded to the greenest of pastures. They're right here on Earth. For what it's worth, you're not the first to break my heart."
-And, finally, Songbird, Fleetwood Mac.
"For you, there'll be no more crying. For you, the sun will be shining."
For Brennan, it was important to me that she actually end the fic by crying. It's so hard for her to let down her walls & feel her feelings, so it was crucial, especially to balance out the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't cry in the beginning. It's not realistic to hope or expect for anyone to never cry again, as these lyrics say, but as with Angela asking Brennan to try to stay forever (so soon after Vincent died & her own son was born), it's not about that. It's about the point of *why* you're saying it. Moreover, addressing the various stages of grief was also a big part of the story, and they don't always come in a specific order or even alone, but I knew I wanted to end the whole thing on a note of acceptance. And you can't accept pain very easily if you won't let yourself feel it without a death-grip on its reins to begin with. For Brennan, here, that meant crying on the outside so that the crying on the inside (to put it super cheesily) could lessen.
Aaand that's it! Hope y'all enjoyed.
I decided not to include any repeats here from previous fic playlists, despite the fact that I did listen to some of the same stuff while writing it, but even so this bad boy still consists of no less than forty songs. Some clearly influenced the story, while others merely played in the background & assisted with mojo. That being said, you don't need to have read it or even be into the show to enjoy the music (hopefully).
Since there are so many tracks, and since LJ gets wonky loading YouTube vids these days, I won't embed them -- just gonna share the links. I will share quotes & thoughts on some of the choices, too, but not every single one.
-And I Hope, Floetry.
"Those who come with me are those who have always been there, anyway…so, where's the loss?"
This was actually one of the first songs to play a role in helping me develop my fic, and it made an impact on me personally as well.
-Butterfly, Tom Pyrdol.
I've listened to a lot of Tom Pyrdol over the last year, especially while writing. It's a comfort to me. This song in particular felt like the right choice to start my story with, which is why I posted it at the beginning -- not only because of the sound, but because of the title itself. A cookie to you, btw, if you can spot the metamorphosis motif in my previous fics. Along with repeating cycles, non-duality, nursery rhymes, and apparently the ocean (heh, shout-out to
limone1), it shows up more than once. -All My Stars Aligned, St. Vincent.
"There are no signs. There are no stars aligned, no amulets, not a charm to bring you back to my arms. There's just this human heart. It's built with this human flaw. What was your question? Love is the answer."
Ohh, St. Vincent. You're gonna see quite a few more picks from her throughout this soundtrack, though I'll try to stagger them out. I've been just slightly (and by "slightly" I mean a lot) in love with her music lately. Well, also her face, as my Hot 26…ish List made clear.
-Diaspora Oratorio and The Shape of Things To Come, Bear McCreary.
A two-parter of awesomeness. Bear McCreary…I can't even. Hearing these two songs live is just like ealighoighgh. I listened to them quite a bit while writing the final section. The bittersweet quality of Diaspora Oratorio especially worked for me.
-Fly Away, Poe.
One of my favorite songs about grief & acceptance. Love it. P.S. I'm linking to a fanvid here (though I'm not familiar with the fandom) because it's the only decent quality upload of the song I could find.
-Landslide, Fleetwood Mac.
"Well, I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too."
Obvious choice. Makes me verklempt.
-What's Wrong With Me, Skye.
-June on the West Coast, Bright Eyes.
"My heart has thawed & continues to beat."
…'nuff said.
-The Party, St. Vincent.
"That's the trouble with ticking & talking."
I've been listening to this song so much over the past few months that I constantly find myself humming it throughout the day. Not surpisingly, it had some influences on the fic as well.
-Today, Jeremy Larson.
-Monochrome, Dominique A & Yann Tiersen.
"And I'm tired now…"
I listened to this one quite a few times right around the middle of my fic. It goes well with the image I had in my mind of Brennan in her first apartment.
-Memories in the Rain, Tom Pyrdol.
-Keep Livin', Jean Grae.
-Shirk, Meshell Ndegeocello.
"I left you no home."
When I started this fic, I didn't know exactly where it would go. I knew I wanted to delve deeper into Brennan's past, and I had a few specific ideas I wanted to explore, but somewhere along the way it evolved to include her family members' perspective as well. The section about Ruth/Christine was particularly cathartic for me, as was the final section at the grave.
-All is Full of Love, Bjork (sung here by the PS22 Chorus).
-Machine Gun, Portishead.
-Marrow, St. Vincent.
"I wish I had a gentle mind & a spine made up of iron."
The shot in this vid of her staring at the sign (reading "HELP ME") stuck with me while writing the first section of my fic. The idea that she has this message that she's trying to convey, yet can't (at least not verbally at that moment & certainly not non-verbally most of the time otherwise), the sense of detachment & isolation (amongst a crowd), the blank faces -- all of it. It just works.
-Agnus Dei, Samuel Barber (sung here by the Accentus Chamber Choir).
-The Differently Sentient, Bear McCreary.
-Tell Me About Your Day, Skye.
-Unravel, Bjork.
"When you come back, we'll have to make new love."
Like I said in my story, you can't undo something, only redefine it. That's one of the things I wanted to express with the return of Russ & Max into Brennan's life, in addition to her own healing process.
-These Days, Jackson Browne (sung here by--you guessed it--St. Vincent).
I've fallen in love with this song recently. The lyrics are so quietly heartbreaking.
-Dead Things, Philip Glass.
-Failure, Laura Marling.
"If it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again -- 'cause so many don't, and so many go unnamed."
-Remaining, Adam Hurst.
-Les Jours Tristes, Yann Tiersen.
-Make Believe, Jeremy Larson.
"What doesn't kill me makes me strong, but drives you far from me."
-Got a Suitcase, Got Regrets, Tom McRae.
-Black Rainbow, St. Vincent.
-Theme of Laura (reprise), Silent Hill 2 OST.
-Rolling in the Deep, Adele.
-La Valse d'Amelie, Yann Tiersen.
-Name, Goo Goo Dolls.
Identity & the meaning of things, how to tell what's true & what's not, all played a significant role with this story, particularly because of all the many ~names~ these characters have. I was thinking the other day about how Brennan said at one point that Max was gone for most of her life & how she "never really had a father", trying to understand her perspective on that (since he was there until she was fifteen), and it came to me in a flash that of course she'd view it like "Max" hadn't been there. Because he hadn't been, not really. It was "Matt Brennan" that raised her, not Max Keenan. And Matt was a lie --how much of that identity was a lie is unclear, but it's still false. Ergo, the father she thought she knew never really existed. Some might say that's a pretty figurative way to put it for her, but I don't think she's saying it that way on purpose or is even aware how much she's revealing about her feelings. It's more like one of those things that sort of just slips out, and you think you're saying one thing, but you're really saying another. It's also a very black & white way of viewing the entire situation, which is totally up her alley. The fact that she buried her mother under the name of Christine Brennan, the woman she knew, is a clear indicator that she's dealing with all of it from a very emotional standpoint, not a strictly logical one, because obviously she contradicts herself. She doesn't call Max "Matt" when he returns. But it IS different, because her mother is dead (and has been for a long time), while her father is alive.
-Desperado, Tori Amos (cover).
-Laughing With a Mouth of Blood, St. Vincent.
-Blackbird, The Beatles.
-I Do Not Want This, Nine Inch Nails.
"Maybe if I could just reach you, I could leave this place."
-Capture Time, Tom Pyrdol.
-Human Racing, St. Vincent.
"Little lamb, what's your plan? Greener pastures in the sky? It's a shame you want to die--no, why--just to find you've been blinded to the greenest of pastures. They're right here on Earth. For what it's worth, you're not the first to break my heart."
-And, finally, Songbird, Fleetwood Mac.
"For you, there'll be no more crying. For you, the sun will be shining."
For Brennan, it was important to me that she actually end the fic by crying. It's so hard for her to let down her walls & feel her feelings, so it was crucial, especially to balance out the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't cry in the beginning. It's not realistic to hope or expect for anyone to never cry again, as these lyrics say, but as with Angela asking Brennan to try to stay forever (so soon after Vincent died & her own son was born), it's not about that. It's about the point of *why* you're saying it. Moreover, addressing the various stages of grief was also a big part of the story, and they don't always come in a specific order or even alone, but I knew I wanted to end the whole thing on a note of acceptance. And you can't accept pain very easily if you won't let yourself feel it without a death-grip on its reins to begin with. For Brennan, here, that meant crying on the outside so that the crying on the inside (to put it super cheesily) could lessen.
Aaand that's it! Hope y'all enjoyed.
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Date: 2011-10-30 06:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-30 09:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-30 06:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-30 09:23 pm (UTC)