It's hard out there for a pimp
Oct. 20th, 2011 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82You know what I really hate? When you actually feel motivated to do things, but your health is all, "NO. DENIED." I have had the same unrelenting migraine since yesterday morning, albeit now on the opposite temple because my brain likes to ~mix it up~. And I mean, my head hurts every day anyway (even if not *all* day), but I'm talking about the kind that straight owns your ass, i.e. the kind I generally only get a couple times a month, fortunately (or unfortunately, I suppose, depending on your perspective. I'm personally grateful for every moment in my life that doesn't include pain). It's receded now to the point of being tolerable as long as I keep the lighting dim, stay in a quiet place, & don't move my head around much, but it's still totally interfering with what I'd LIKE to be doing, and it frustrates me. On top of that, I really need to eat something, but the last thing I want to do is cook or go to the store, plus my stomach is icky feeling anyway.
But I'm not going to complain too much, because at least my SNAP benefits finally got processed. So when I am able to walk to the store, I CAN buy food. I do have a pork chop thawing in my fridge right now, plus potatoes, so I already have a set option for one meal as it is (two if I decide to try cheesy potato tacos, though that doesn't have much protein, and I need protein when I'm fighting a migraine); however, see above, re: the last thing I want to do. Grr, argh. River was right; food is problematic.
Anyway. Enough about that. Here's some other stuff:
-As soon as I feel a bit more clearheaded, probably after I've eaten, I'm going to follow my therapist's advice & write down a list of things I need to do/am worried about/or whatever, and try to prioritize how much I can handle doing at once & when I'll try to do them, etc. Hopefully that will make it easier for me to approach things like uber-overdue bills & job searches. As it stands, I can't even hear a mention of unemployment on TV without tensing up. I may post the list here afterward, or bring it with me to my next appointment, but I haven't decided on that yet. It'd probably be a good idea if I did, though.
-Speaking of my therapist, I had another appointment with her yesterday.
She has more to say now than she did at first, so that makes me wonder if she was just being extra silent in the beginning to get a feel for me. Or, y'know, maybe she simply believed I needed to vent for a while before actually working through anything. Could be either or both.
There were a couple interesting things that came up this time -- for one, when she told me that I "seem to doubt [myself] a lot," and two, the importance of letting myself ask questions even if they might feel awkward.
Re: the first part, it's not like it's never been suggested to me before that I doubt myself (it was something both B & my original Work Mommy--as I called her--at Xerox used to talk to me about. They each helped me gain a lot of confidence, actually), and it's not like I don't know that I struggle with it, but sometimes I forget. Or I forget how pervasive it is, or how being an ACA affects it, and so on. But it's like a constant thing for me. Doubting whether I'm doing what's "right" (which, come to think of it, touches on another major issue for me: black & white thinking, as if "right" is one easily determined thing), doubting whether I'm a good person, doubting how well I think I know people or whether I can trust them, doubting my abilities & value as a likable/useful human being, bla bla bla. It's something I need to continually be aware of.
Re: the second part, it's kind of funny, because I'm by nature an overthinker, so I do ask a lot of questions in general. But there are situations where the opportunity just isn't there unless I go out of my comfort zone to seek it out. In this case, it came up because we were discussing the whole "it gets better" campaign from last year, and how it's a pet peeve of mine when someone tells me that (I would word it as "it CAN get better" or just remind the person that change is unavoidable, so at least you know things won't stay the *same*), how it disturbs & upsets me when I think of people for whom life never gets better, etc. She asked me what my definition of "better" would be, whether it's possible at least some of the people I think of as tragic cases would disagree with my assessment, or even just whether people mean what I think they mean when they say that type of expression. Basically, that it's okay to ask what they mean. To be fair, I think I probably take it a lot more literally than they intend. And, as tiring as it is to constantly be reminded how my family baggage still weighs me down, I'm sure my mom's life has affected my view on the world overall. It's like growing up under a gradually darkening black cloud & being told by people that there's ~always a silver lining~ & ~the sun shall rise again~ & all that crap. And you just want to point to the cloud & be like, "Are you fucking with me?"
We discussed volunteering as well, which I brought up myself. At first I was thinking of it because of the potential for meeting people, and because I've wanted to do it forever anyway, but while talking about it with her I realized it might also raise my self-esteem some + help on my resume. So she showed me a website for volunteer opportunities in my area & printed out a page of stuff for me to look through.
She also stressed the importance of me kind of slowing down though & remembering self-care, because as much as I'd like to look for work 24/7 & jump into whatever position I can find asap, I need to make sure I'm in a position where I can DO what I set out to do.
-There's an ACA retreat up in Washington next month that I'd really like to attend--like a non-summer summer camp for stunted adult children--but I'm not sure yet whether it costs anything (I'm sure it does). Wah. THEY HAVE CANOES.
-We'll wrap this up with some TV/movie talk:
Parenthood:
Not much to say about this episode other than, A. The entire recording studio plotline bores me, B. Drew is adorkable, and C. I had mixed feelings about how they handled Sara's relationship with her alcoholic ex. At first I was happy with it, because she put her foot down, told him he had to go to rehab or couldn't be around her or their kids anymore. But I began feeling sad & bitter when of course he just hupped to & agreed after like two seconds, and then it turned into this slightly codependent thing where she's going around begging others for money to pay for a private hospital when he never even asked her to (without any apparent boundaries set up around it, I mean, like "the money will be made out to the hospital, not you" or "you cannot leave the program before you've completed it or, again, you cannot see me or the kids" or anything) + becoming totally enmeshed in the situation to the detriment of her *current* relationship with someone else, and her brother-in-law is all ripping her father a new asshole for questioning her actions (albeit abrasively, hinting at some unfair bias against recovery treatment, but still) because "opening your heart to someone is ~always~ the right thing", and then at the end Sara & the ex both sit down with their kids to be like, "I need your support." Um, how about they need yours? How about FOR ONCE you take care of them, instead of asking them to forever be taking care of you? They are your KIDS. You are the PARENTS. Asking for their support in keeping the house clean? Cool. Asking for their support with health problems they are not remotely trained to handle? Not cool. It'd be much better to tell them you're asking for help from people who KNOW how to help, and that they (i.e. the kids) don't have to do a damned thing. It's not like it's your brother or buddy or any other fellow adult, and you're asking for their "support" in the way of not drinking around you, or respecting what you're doing to get healthy, and so on. It's different. And I know this is probably one of those cases where I'm taking it more literally than some might, but at the same time, I kind of think not. Because it's the pressure that something like that puts on the kid, and it's a pressure they've already felt their whole lives & don't need to feel even more now. Give them a fucking break. That's all I'm saying.
And as far as the 'opening your heart is always right" thing goes, I'll admit that was a bit triggering for me. Not majorly--I talked with my counselor about it & felt a little better--but it still struck a nerve. After the million different ways my mom & sister called me heartless last year, it was sort of inevitable.
I think it would help if there were another character stepping in to balance it out, a social worker that Sara talks to, or Alex returning, whatever, but oh well. Who knows, maybe they will do something like that soon.
-Psych:
C'MON, SON! Haha. Sorry, just had to start out with that.
Overall, good ep. Definitely made me laugh, especially drugged!Gus (OMG, drugged!Gus is now my favorite Gus. I'd let him squish my face anytime). Not sure if y'all noticed though, but Lassie owns a Ford Fusion. No, maybe you didn't hear me the first time. A FORD FUSION. Seriously, how many times did he repeat it? Oh, product placement, you are not full of win.
P.S. "You know why I like you? 'Cause you have eyes."
Oh, AND: "Maybe they remembered you from Children of the Corn." Hee!
-I watched a couple documentaries yesterday as well. One was from Current's Top 50 list ("Tarnation"), and the other I just came across randomly while browsing the library ("Finding Normal"). Both were really interesting to watch and well-made, though I'll admit Tarnation left me sad because it touched on a lot of stuff I've been trying to work through lately in regards to my mom's history with mental illness and doctors/hospitals, while bringing up a lot of new emotions & memories too. But it was extremely evocative & something that needed to be expressed. Kind of brilliant, actually. I just couldn't help also feeling like it was somehow incomplete or unbalanced by the end, though maybe that was intentional in its own way as well. Either way, I understand why they put it on the list.
I was totally satisfied by "Finding Normal" though (more than satisfied, really. I pretty much loved it & didn't want it to end. Seriously), despite it being much less flashy & artistic; it's the kind of documentary I'd buy if I had more money, because I can see myself wanting to rewatch it every now & again. I identified with so much of it, not just on behalf of addicts I've known (it's about a treatment/housing program here in Portland & follows both new patients & their mentors -- who are also recovering addicts themselves), but on behalf of myself & the ACA traits I picked up from them. It's like 100% real talk throughout the whole thing, no bullshit. And I love that they manage to take the topic and stay realistic, destigmatize the process of having a problem & getting help, show that not everyone makes it, yet also leave you feeling uplifted by the end. It's just exactly the kind of thing I needed to see.
For those who would like to check out the trailers, voila: Tarnation and Finding Normal.
-Lastly, I got a day behind on my song challenge, so today's VotD will cover two:
day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year
Day 03 - a song that makes you happy:
This song makes me happy, this vid makes me happy -- it's just basically a Happy Fest up in here any time this bad boy gets played.
Day 04 - a song that makes you sad:
There were a lot of songs I could think of for this one, but "Gloomy Sunday" is what came to mind first. It's the second verse that gets to me the most.
But I'm not going to complain too much, because at least my SNAP benefits finally got processed. So when I am able to walk to the store, I CAN buy food. I do have a pork chop thawing in my fridge right now, plus potatoes, so I already have a set option for one meal as it is (two if I decide to try cheesy potato tacos, though that doesn't have much protein, and I need protein when I'm fighting a migraine); however, see above, re: the last thing I want to do. Grr, argh. River was right; food is problematic.
Anyway. Enough about that. Here's some other stuff:
-As soon as I feel a bit more clearheaded, probably after I've eaten, I'm going to follow my therapist's advice & write down a list of things I need to do/am worried about/or whatever, and try to prioritize how much I can handle doing at once & when I'll try to do them, etc. Hopefully that will make it easier for me to approach things like uber-overdue bills & job searches. As it stands, I can't even hear a mention of unemployment on TV without tensing up. I may post the list here afterward, or bring it with me to my next appointment, but I haven't decided on that yet. It'd probably be a good idea if I did, though.
-Speaking of my therapist, I had another appointment with her yesterday.
She has more to say now than she did at first, so that makes me wonder if she was just being extra silent in the beginning to get a feel for me. Or, y'know, maybe she simply believed I needed to vent for a while before actually working through anything. Could be either or both.
There were a couple interesting things that came up this time -- for one, when she told me that I "seem to doubt [myself] a lot," and two, the importance of letting myself ask questions even if they might feel awkward.
Re: the first part, it's not like it's never been suggested to me before that I doubt myself (it was something both B & my original Work Mommy--as I called her--at Xerox used to talk to me about. They each helped me gain a lot of confidence, actually), and it's not like I don't know that I struggle with it, but sometimes I forget. Or I forget how pervasive it is, or how being an ACA affects it, and so on. But it's like a constant thing for me. Doubting whether I'm doing what's "right" (which, come to think of it, touches on another major issue for me: black & white thinking, as if "right" is one easily determined thing), doubting whether I'm a good person, doubting how well I think I know people or whether I can trust them, doubting my abilities & value as a likable/useful human being, bla bla bla. It's something I need to continually be aware of.
Re: the second part, it's kind of funny, because I'm by nature an overthinker, so I do ask a lot of questions in general. But there are situations where the opportunity just isn't there unless I go out of my comfort zone to seek it out. In this case, it came up because we were discussing the whole "it gets better" campaign from last year, and how it's a pet peeve of mine when someone tells me that (I would word it as "it CAN get better" or just remind the person that change is unavoidable, so at least you know things won't stay the *same*), how it disturbs & upsets me when I think of people for whom life never gets better, etc. She asked me what my definition of "better" would be, whether it's possible at least some of the people I think of as tragic cases would disagree with my assessment, or even just whether people mean what I think they mean when they say that type of expression. Basically, that it's okay to ask what they mean. To be fair, I think I probably take it a lot more literally than they intend. And, as tiring as it is to constantly be reminded how my family baggage still weighs me down, I'm sure my mom's life has affected my view on the world overall. It's like growing up under a gradually darkening black cloud & being told by people that there's ~always a silver lining~ & ~the sun shall rise again~ & all that crap. And you just want to point to the cloud & be like, "Are you fucking with me?"
We discussed volunteering as well, which I brought up myself. At first I was thinking of it because of the potential for meeting people, and because I've wanted to do it forever anyway, but while talking about it with her I realized it might also raise my self-esteem some + help on my resume. So she showed me a website for volunteer opportunities in my area & printed out a page of stuff for me to look through.
She also stressed the importance of me kind of slowing down though & remembering self-care, because as much as I'd like to look for work 24/7 & jump into whatever position I can find asap, I need to make sure I'm in a position where I can DO what I set out to do.
-There's an ACA retreat up in Washington next month that I'd really like to attend--like a non-summer summer camp for stunted adult children--but I'm not sure yet whether it costs anything (I'm sure it does). Wah. THEY HAVE CANOES.
-We'll wrap this up with some TV/movie talk:
Parenthood:
Not much to say about this episode other than, A. The entire recording studio plotline bores me, B. Drew is adorkable, and C. I had mixed feelings about how they handled Sara's relationship with her alcoholic ex. At first I was happy with it, because she put her foot down, told him he had to go to rehab or couldn't be around her or their kids anymore. But I began feeling sad & bitter when of course he just hupped to & agreed after like two seconds, and then it turned into this slightly codependent thing where she's going around begging others for money to pay for a private hospital when he never even asked her to (without any apparent boundaries set up around it, I mean, like "the money will be made out to the hospital, not you" or "you cannot leave the program before you've completed it or, again, you cannot see me or the kids" or anything) + becoming totally enmeshed in the situation to the detriment of her *current* relationship with someone else, and her brother-in-law is all ripping her father a new asshole for questioning her actions (albeit abrasively, hinting at some unfair bias against recovery treatment, but still) because "opening your heart to someone is ~always~ the right thing", and then at the end Sara & the ex both sit down with their kids to be like, "I need your support." Um, how about they need yours? How about FOR ONCE you take care of them, instead of asking them to forever be taking care of you? They are your KIDS. You are the PARENTS. Asking for their support in keeping the house clean? Cool. Asking for their support with health problems they are not remotely trained to handle? Not cool. It'd be much better to tell them you're asking for help from people who KNOW how to help, and that they (i.e. the kids) don't have to do a damned thing. It's not like it's your brother or buddy or any other fellow adult, and you're asking for their "support" in the way of not drinking around you, or respecting what you're doing to get healthy, and so on. It's different. And I know this is probably one of those cases where I'm taking it more literally than some might, but at the same time, I kind of think not. Because it's the pressure that something like that puts on the kid, and it's a pressure they've already felt their whole lives & don't need to feel even more now. Give them a fucking break. That's all I'm saying.
And as far as the 'opening your heart is always right" thing goes, I'll admit that was a bit triggering for me. Not majorly--I talked with my counselor about it & felt a little better--but it still struck a nerve. After the million different ways my mom & sister called me heartless last year, it was sort of inevitable.
I think it would help if there were another character stepping in to balance it out, a social worker that Sara talks to, or Alex returning, whatever, but oh well. Who knows, maybe they will do something like that soon.
-Psych:
C'MON, SON! Haha. Sorry, just had to start out with that.
Overall, good ep. Definitely made me laugh, especially drugged!Gus (OMG, drugged!Gus is now my favorite Gus. I'd let him squish my face anytime). Not sure if y'all noticed though, but Lassie owns a Ford Fusion. No, maybe you didn't hear me the first time. A FORD FUSION. Seriously, how many times did he repeat it? Oh, product placement, you are not full of win.
P.S. "You know why I like you? 'Cause you have eyes."
Oh, AND: "Maybe they remembered you from Children of the Corn." Hee!
-I watched a couple documentaries yesterday as well. One was from Current's Top 50 list ("Tarnation"), and the other I just came across randomly while browsing the library ("Finding Normal"). Both were really interesting to watch and well-made, though I'll admit Tarnation left me sad because it touched on a lot of stuff I've been trying to work through lately in regards to my mom's history with mental illness and doctors/hospitals, while bringing up a lot of new emotions & memories too. But it was extremely evocative & something that needed to be expressed. Kind of brilliant, actually. I just couldn't help also feeling like it was somehow incomplete or unbalanced by the end, though maybe that was intentional in its own way as well. Either way, I understand why they put it on the list.
I was totally satisfied by "Finding Normal" though (more than satisfied, really. I pretty much loved it & didn't want it to end. Seriously), despite it being much less flashy & artistic; it's the kind of documentary I'd buy if I had more money, because I can see myself wanting to rewatch it every now & again. I identified with so much of it, not just on behalf of addicts I've known (it's about a treatment/housing program here in Portland & follows both new patients & their mentors -- who are also recovering addicts themselves), but on behalf of myself & the ACA traits I picked up from them. It's like 100% real talk throughout the whole thing, no bullshit. And I love that they manage to take the topic and stay realistic, destigmatize the process of having a problem & getting help, show that not everyone makes it, yet also leave you feeling uplifted by the end. It's just exactly the kind of thing I needed to see.
For those who would like to check out the trailers, voila: Tarnation and Finding Normal.
-Lastly, I got a day behind on my song challenge, so today's VotD will cover two:
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year
Day 03 - a song that makes you happy:
This song makes me happy, this vid makes me happy -- it's just basically a Happy Fest up in here any time this bad boy gets played.
Day 04 - a song that makes you sad:
There were a lot of songs I could think of for this one, but "Gloomy Sunday" is what came to mind first. It's the second verse that gets to me the most.
