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Same thing we always do -- fight 'em until we can't
1. I'm feeling lazy at the moment, so rather than come up with a whole new description of my appointment with the counselor today, I'm just gonna copy some excerpts of what I wrote in an email to Jen earlier.
"I'll be seeing a QMHP (therapist) for counseling and then will meet up with a psychiatrist again to check in on meds & do another assessment in a few weeks, I guess.
…I saw my counselor for the first time today, and it was just lots of signatures & assessment questions, but I'm already angsting over whether she'll be helpful in ways I need (she's not a doctor, she's only been working there a year, etc) as well as worrying whether I answered everything thoroughly enough or accurately enough. It's like even if you do get someone competent, it's still so hard sometimes just to articulate what's going on with you, so that they can get in your head & know what to do. Questions like, "I see you marked that you've felt sad or down most every day -- can you elaborate?" And I'm like, "How? What do you mean?" It's one thing to write an aimlessly rambly LJ entry about ~feelings~; it's another to try to explain them in a concise & practical/medical fashion to a total stranger. Like, gee, I dunno, can I write you a poem vaguely describing them? That'd work.
I'll admit, I left there today feeling almost more hopeless and unmotivated about it, but I'm hoping my next appointment--where she'll talk to me about her treatment plan--will leave me more confident. Or I'll feel more like I'm communicating better, something.
I am thankful though that it's being covered by the general fund & that I know the crisis team is there for me too.
…I go a tad catatonic when I think about What To Do if unemployment gets denied, and the idea of moving is kind of aahhhhh, but yeah. Sleeping in a shelter would be a hell of a lot worse (the therapist brought it up as an option, and in my head I was just like, "Dude, I just told you how even working with a lot of people around me tends to make me start feeling trapped & antsy -- what are the odds that you think I'll take well to living & sleeping with a roomful of people surrounding me?") I think I'll probably find out what their decision is tomorrow (the unemployment people, I mean), or at least I hope I will. I told the therapist I'd call her first thing if the decision is negative, so I guess we'll just take it from there. The first option I'd probably look into would be living off school loans, though I have no idea whether that would work. Even if unemployment does go through, though, I'm probably still gonna look into that, honestly."
And just for good measure, in case anyone else is wondering about this option too, I'll copy/paste my answer to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gina227's earlier question, re: applying for disability:
"I was reading up on it just the other day, and I did bring it up to the therapist tonight. I know what a difficult process it is, from observing my mother fighting for it, so that's made me hesitant, but yeah. It's on the table as an option at least."
Note: not sure why I wrote "tonight" when I saw her in the morning, but anywayyy. Also: I seem to end sentences with "yeah" a lot.
There is more I could say, regarding how I'm doing, but I'll save it for later. Emotions are tiring.
2. Speaking of emotions though, my mom's birthday is Wednesday. I'm gonna try my best to make it to an ACA meeting this week.
3. The temperature dropped like thirty degrees in the last three days. My flip-flops felt lost in a sea of change. (not really)
I found it pretty amusing though that weather.com had this ALL!CAPS!WARNING! about it the other day, like, "DANGER! RAIN APPROACHING!" And meanwhile Oregon's all, "Whaaaa? Rain? I've never heard of such a thing! For the hills, children! THE HILLS! Damn't, THERE'S NO TIME!"
Okay, so the warning had to do with wind speed along the coast, too, but c'mon. Fifty miles per hour? Chillax with the red font.
4. After some investigation, I remembered that my Playstation isn't compatible with my LCD TV. Sadface. Crash Bandicoot doesn't appreciate this fuckery!
5. With BBC America airing BSG, I've been rewatching eps again. Hence the new icon. For me, Scar is so one of those stealth eps that just seem all ~meh~ upon first glance, but which out of nowhere become one of your faves later on. Then again, BSG seems to have a pattern like that, with some eps being all intense!action!OMG!WHAT and then the rest shifting to introspective!artsy!flashbacks!LEEMO! Hee. Okay, not always quite like that, but Leemo's usually in there somewhere. Point is, it works for me, and I've come to appreciate the slow thinky thoughts eps so much more upon subsequent rewatches.
Since they'll be airing season 3 pretty soon, I figured it'd be an appropriate time for a creepy creeper Leoben vid by mpekowski. Fantastic song, great editing. Enjoy:
"I'll be seeing a QMHP (therapist) for counseling and then will meet up with a psychiatrist again to check in on meds & do another assessment in a few weeks, I guess.
…I saw my counselor for the first time today, and it was just lots of signatures & assessment questions, but I'm already angsting over whether she'll be helpful in ways I need (she's not a doctor, she's only been working there a year, etc) as well as worrying whether I answered everything thoroughly enough or accurately enough. It's like even if you do get someone competent, it's still so hard sometimes just to articulate what's going on with you, so that they can get in your head & know what to do. Questions like, "I see you marked that you've felt sad or down most every day -- can you elaborate?" And I'm like, "How? What do you mean?" It's one thing to write an aimlessly rambly LJ entry about ~feelings~; it's another to try to explain them in a concise & practical/medical fashion to a total stranger. Like, gee, I dunno, can I write you a poem vaguely describing them? That'd work.
I'll admit, I left there today feeling almost more hopeless and unmotivated about it, but I'm hoping my next appointment--where she'll talk to me about her treatment plan--will leave me more confident. Or I'll feel more like I'm communicating better, something.
I am thankful though that it's being covered by the general fund & that I know the crisis team is there for me too.
…I go a tad catatonic when I think about What To Do if unemployment gets denied, and the idea of moving is kind of aahhhhh, but yeah. Sleeping in a shelter would be a hell of a lot worse (the therapist brought it up as an option, and in my head I was just like, "Dude, I just told you how even working with a lot of people around me tends to make me start feeling trapped & antsy -- what are the odds that you think I'll take well to living & sleeping with a roomful of people surrounding me?") I think I'll probably find out what their decision is tomorrow (the unemployment people, I mean), or at least I hope I will. I told the therapist I'd call her first thing if the decision is negative, so I guess we'll just take it from there. The first option I'd probably look into would be living off school loans, though I have no idea whether that would work. Even if unemployment does go through, though, I'm probably still gonna look into that, honestly."
And just for good measure, in case anyone else is wondering about this option too, I'll copy/paste my answer to
gina227's earlier question, re: applying for disability:"I was reading up on it just the other day, and I did bring it up to the therapist tonight. I know what a difficult process it is, from observing my mother fighting for it, so that's made me hesitant, but yeah. It's on the table as an option at least."
Note: not sure why I wrote "tonight" when I saw her in the morning, but anywayyy. Also: I seem to end sentences with "yeah" a lot.
There is more I could say, regarding how I'm doing, but I'll save it for later. Emotions are tiring.
2. Speaking of emotions though, my mom's birthday is Wednesday. I'm gonna try my best to make it to an ACA meeting this week.
3. The temperature dropped like thirty degrees in the last three days. My flip-flops felt lost in a sea of change. (not really)
I found it pretty amusing though that weather.com had this ALL!CAPS!WARNING! about it the other day, like, "DANGER! RAIN APPROACHING!" And meanwhile Oregon's all, "Whaaaa? Rain? I've never heard of such a thing! For the hills, children! THE HILLS! Damn't, THERE'S NO TIME!"
Okay, so the warning had to do with wind speed along the coast, too, but c'mon. Fifty miles per hour? Chillax with the red font.
4. After some investigation, I remembered that my Playstation isn't compatible with my LCD TV. Sadface. Crash Bandicoot doesn't appreciate this fuckery!
5. With BBC America airing BSG, I've been rewatching eps again. Hence the new icon. For me, Scar is so one of those stealth eps that just seem all ~meh~ upon first glance, but which out of nowhere become one of your faves later on. Then again, BSG seems to have a pattern like that, with some eps being all intense!action!OMG!WHAT and then the rest shifting to introspective!artsy!flashbacks!LEEMO! Hee. Okay, not always quite like that, but Leemo's usually in there somewhere. Point is, it works for me, and I've come to appreciate the slow thinky thoughts eps so much more upon subsequent rewatches.
Since they'll be airing season 3 pretty soon, I figured it'd be an appropriate time for a creepy creeper Leoben vid by mpekowski. Fantastic song, great editing. Enjoy:
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I can't think of a specific day & time, though. Since your schedule is busier, what would be convenient for you?
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Thursday nights it is! I am excite.