![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Not with a bang but a whimper
Some of you already know this, but for the rest: I'm now unemployed. Or FUNemployed as I've decided to call it. This year has now reached epic proportions of win and I'm currently just waiting for the plague of locusts, basically.
Since this year began I went from loving my job to completely hating it, and in a weird way I suppose it's a favor. I wanted to quit but couldn't because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to file for unemployment benefits, and also knew it would be a horrible move because of how bad the job market is. On the other hand, it was also extremely difficult to motivate myself to look for work while in the midst of already working full-time.
Meanwhile my contract at Xerox ended as of July 31st and initially my manager was going to temporarily extend it until the end of August while he "decided what to do next", i.e. whether to keep me as a Xerox temp (whoop-dee-do, same pay & still no benefits. What a great thank you for the hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales I've earned you! And no, that's not an exaggeration. I've never added up the exact total, but I remember in the summer of '08 alone I brought in a quarter of a million dollars. And yet? STILL A FUCKING TEMP), but today he decided to just end it as I missed on Friday and missed again today. Friday as you all know happened because of Barfapalooza. Today? I'll flat-out admit was simply due to feeling vaguely crappy from my period. I could've gone, but didn't. I was tired, headache-y, nauseated, & crampy. And I just couldn't drag myself in knowing full-well I probably wasn't going to be there after this month anyway, not hating that job like I do now. It went from being a place where people were able to get good bonuses and enjoy working together to a place where everyone is micro-managed, overworked, and suddenly you're not a sales rep anymore but a collections agent. It's not what I signed up for, especially since when I started it was supposed to be a temp-to-hire position. I cut them slack on that for a long time due to the recession & the hiring freeze, but once they started acting like d-bags to us on top of everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. A job with that much stress & hard work deserves to be permanent & have benefits. It's simply not worth it otherwise.
As it was, about five minutes after I got the phone call from my temp agency, I got a message on facebook from one of my coworkers letting me know she'll be a reference for me. I thought that was sweet. She also let me know another coworker's last day is Friday and he's going to go work for Comcast, and she plans to leave soon too. Considering yet another coworker just left a couple weeks ago (we're talking a team that started with like a dozen people and already lost Justin a couple months back), I predict an exodus on the horizon. It's kind of funny too because Justin and I and the guy whose last day is Friday all sat in the same corner with that girl, and since Justin's cube still hadn't been filled, she's going to be sitting over there in a ghost-town.
I'm kind of peeved my manager didn't even have the guts to tell me I was axed directly too. Whatever. Plus the lady from the temp agency was completely fake-nice/mean & condescending. "I don't know if we'll have anything else for you. . ." "So what you're saying is. . .you won't?" "Yeahhh, probably not." THEN JUST SAY THAT & DON'T PUSSYFOOT AROUND. Argh.
Despite the fact that I sound so okay about it though, I'm also kind of not. It's complicated. I've never felt so many mixed emotions in my life as I have this year. It's enough to make you feel crazy. Like, "how can I feel so unbelievably sad & hopeful at the same time? Am I nuts?" Seriously. But I know I'm not. It's not like I'm in a manic mixed state like my mom would go into (*edited to add: I feel I should proactivately clarify I don't mean to use the term "nuts" in a derogatory manner there. I have a weird relationship with that word & also with "crazy." But that's a topic for a whole 'nother entry). I'm just human, experiencing more than one emotion at the same time, but am not used to feeling my feelings and not suppressing them or compartmentalizing them. Allowing them to coexist is difficult. I do know however that I am depressed. Of course my period is NOT helping. Nor are the events of the past year. I tried tonight just watching some tv-comfort food--Bones & My So-Called Life--and then listened to some classical music & took a nap, but in the end what I needed the most was to write my emotions down on paper, free-form style. I haven't done that in years.
Since my journal has a history of being pretty open over the years--I don't hide a whole heck of a lot--I'm going to post what I wrote here. I didn't write it with the intention of anyone else seeing it, but it makes me feel less lonely not to keep it to myself. No one has to read it unless they want to though. It's mostly just for me. But at the same time, it's a lot more fully naked & honest than I've been in quite a while, I have to admit.
I have nothing left to lose; nothing left to give.
This would be a perfect suicide note, but it's not. I think if people knew how often I had perfect suicide notes in my head, they'd be really frightened. Or maybe they wouldn't be. I don't know. There aren't that many people left.
I feel like I've been fixing myself whilst simultaneously self-destructing for months now, and all without a sound. How is that possible? This is the final shoe to drop. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it wouldn't be until someone dies, which will happen considering how sick my uncle is, and my mom. But this is the last connection I had to the last few years--other than my apartment--that wasn't already gone. My dad and them hadn't been around for longer than that.
I realized today that I still have the birthday bag from Mom and Joe next to my bed with the card inside, sitting on the floor. I have mail on my kitchen table that's probably been there for months. I don't know if I've vacuumed this year. I have laundry I haven't done since the beginning of the year. I just keep buying new underwear & socks and doing a few loads at a time. The rest just stays there. These are things I wouldn't want to tell others. These, plus the 25 days of work I missed this year, are the ways in which I've self-destructed.
I can't hug my mother. I don't have a mom. Not the one I care to know. All that's left is the mom with droopy eyes, the mom that sways, the mom that rants, the mom that goes away inside herself and you don't know when or if she'll come back. She's nice and then she's not. She's sober and then she's not. She says she loves me but she'd rather be high. She'd rather be married to a pervert.
I don't have a sister anymore. I don't have my stepdad anymore. (never did) I don't have Jayden & Isabella anymore. I'm not "Super Nanny", Tia, or "Wachael Mawie" anymore. I don't have my brother anymore either. That's not new, but now it hurts all over again. I dream about him and Jayden like they're the same person.
Nothing gold can stay.
Everything is lost eventually.
I'm going to have to start over. I thought I already had, but I hadn't. The state of my apartment is a clear indicator of that. Part of me was trying desperately to hold onto what was, and not move on.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling, of being in pain, of looking on the bright side, of pretending I fit in when I always feel alone. I can see a future for myself, but I just want to lie down and stop. I don't know if I can do it on my own. As I look forward, "if it doesn't work, suicide is always another option" is always in the back of my mind, and that's calming to me, but it's lonely, and sad. I just want a hug. I just want things to be better.
---
I don't know what this will mean for my counselor, whether I'll be able to afford her or pay her less or what. I'm not thinking about that right now. Right now I'm just thinking about getting unemployment, trying to get food stamps (I am broke as HELL), going to an Al-Anon meeting this weekend, throwing out that birthday bag tomorrow and probably sobbing after I do so, and most likely spending some time cleaning tomorrow. I honestly think I need to do that before I can even get my head in the right place to start looking for work. I'm a little overwhelmed right now, to tell you guys the truth. I know I'll be all right though. Okay, so I don't KNOW that, but I'm going to just say that.
Because I'm feeling hormonal & emo, and because it's uber-appropriate to how I've often felt this year, my Vid of the Day today comes in the form of one of my favorite songs:
Since this year began I went from loving my job to completely hating it, and in a weird way I suppose it's a favor. I wanted to quit but couldn't because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to file for unemployment benefits, and also knew it would be a horrible move because of how bad the job market is. On the other hand, it was also extremely difficult to motivate myself to look for work while in the midst of already working full-time.
Meanwhile my contract at Xerox ended as of July 31st and initially my manager was going to temporarily extend it until the end of August while he "decided what to do next", i.e. whether to keep me as a Xerox temp (whoop-dee-do, same pay & still no benefits. What a great thank you for the hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales I've earned you! And no, that's not an exaggeration. I've never added up the exact total, but I remember in the summer of '08 alone I brought in a quarter of a million dollars. And yet? STILL A FUCKING TEMP), but today he decided to just end it as I missed on Friday and missed again today. Friday as you all know happened because of Barfapalooza. Today? I'll flat-out admit was simply due to feeling vaguely crappy from my period. I could've gone, but didn't. I was tired, headache-y, nauseated, & crampy. And I just couldn't drag myself in knowing full-well I probably wasn't going to be there after this month anyway, not hating that job like I do now. It went from being a place where people were able to get good bonuses and enjoy working together to a place where everyone is micro-managed, overworked, and suddenly you're not a sales rep anymore but a collections agent. It's not what I signed up for, especially since when I started it was supposed to be a temp-to-hire position. I cut them slack on that for a long time due to the recession & the hiring freeze, but once they started acting like d-bags to us on top of everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. A job with that much stress & hard work deserves to be permanent & have benefits. It's simply not worth it otherwise.
As it was, about five minutes after I got the phone call from my temp agency, I got a message on facebook from one of my coworkers letting me know she'll be a reference for me. I thought that was sweet. She also let me know another coworker's last day is Friday and he's going to go work for Comcast, and she plans to leave soon too. Considering yet another coworker just left a couple weeks ago (we're talking a team that started with like a dozen people and already lost Justin a couple months back), I predict an exodus on the horizon. It's kind of funny too because Justin and I and the guy whose last day is Friday all sat in the same corner with that girl, and since Justin's cube still hadn't been filled, she's going to be sitting over there in a ghost-town.
I'm kind of peeved my manager didn't even have the guts to tell me I was axed directly too. Whatever. Plus the lady from the temp agency was completely fake-nice/mean & condescending. "I don't know if we'll have anything else for you. . ." "So what you're saying is. . .you won't?" "Yeahhh, probably not." THEN JUST SAY THAT & DON'T PUSSYFOOT AROUND. Argh.
Despite the fact that I sound so okay about it though, I'm also kind of not. It's complicated. I've never felt so many mixed emotions in my life as I have this year. It's enough to make you feel crazy. Like, "how can I feel so unbelievably sad & hopeful at the same time? Am I nuts?" Seriously. But I know I'm not. It's not like I'm in a manic mixed state like my mom would go into (*edited to add: I feel I should proactivately clarify I don't mean to use the term "nuts" in a derogatory manner there. I have a weird relationship with that word & also with "crazy." But that's a topic for a whole 'nother entry). I'm just human, experiencing more than one emotion at the same time, but am not used to feeling my feelings and not suppressing them or compartmentalizing them. Allowing them to coexist is difficult. I do know however that I am depressed. Of course my period is NOT helping. Nor are the events of the past year. I tried tonight just watching some tv-comfort food--Bones & My So-Called Life--and then listened to some classical music & took a nap, but in the end what I needed the most was to write my emotions down on paper, free-form style. I haven't done that in years.
Since my journal has a history of being pretty open over the years--I don't hide a whole heck of a lot--I'm going to post what I wrote here. I didn't write it with the intention of anyone else seeing it, but it makes me feel less lonely not to keep it to myself. No one has to read it unless they want to though. It's mostly just for me. But at the same time, it's a lot more fully naked & honest than I've been in quite a while, I have to admit.
I have nothing left to lose; nothing left to give.
This would be a perfect suicide note, but it's not. I think if people knew how often I had perfect suicide notes in my head, they'd be really frightened. Or maybe they wouldn't be. I don't know. There aren't that many people left.
I feel like I've been fixing myself whilst simultaneously self-destructing for months now, and all without a sound. How is that possible? This is the final shoe to drop. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it wouldn't be until someone dies, which will happen considering how sick my uncle is, and my mom. But this is the last connection I had to the last few years--other than my apartment--that wasn't already gone. My dad and them hadn't been around for longer than that.
I realized today that I still have the birthday bag from Mom and Joe next to my bed with the card inside, sitting on the floor. I have mail on my kitchen table that's probably been there for months. I don't know if I've vacuumed this year. I have laundry I haven't done since the beginning of the year. I just keep buying new underwear & socks and doing a few loads at a time. The rest just stays there. These are things I wouldn't want to tell others. These, plus the 25 days of work I missed this year, are the ways in which I've self-destructed.
I can't hug my mother. I don't have a mom. Not the one I care to know. All that's left is the mom with droopy eyes, the mom that sways, the mom that rants, the mom that goes away inside herself and you don't know when or if she'll come back. She's nice and then she's not. She's sober and then she's not. She says she loves me but she'd rather be high. She'd rather be married to a pervert.
I don't have a sister anymore. I don't have my stepdad anymore. (never did) I don't have Jayden & Isabella anymore. I'm not "Super Nanny", Tia, or "Wachael Mawie" anymore. I don't have my brother anymore either. That's not new, but now it hurts all over again. I dream about him and Jayden like they're the same person.
Nothing gold can stay.
Everything is lost eventually.
I'm going to have to start over. I thought I already had, but I hadn't. The state of my apartment is a clear indicator of that. Part of me was trying desperately to hold onto what was, and not move on.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling, of being in pain, of looking on the bright side, of pretending I fit in when I always feel alone. I can see a future for myself, but I just want to lie down and stop. I don't know if I can do it on my own. As I look forward, "if it doesn't work, suicide is always another option" is always in the back of my mind, and that's calming to me, but it's lonely, and sad. I just want a hug. I just want things to be better.
---
I don't know what this will mean for my counselor, whether I'll be able to afford her or pay her less or what. I'm not thinking about that right now. Right now I'm just thinking about getting unemployment, trying to get food stamps (I am broke as HELL), going to an Al-Anon meeting this weekend, throwing out that birthday bag tomorrow and probably sobbing after I do so, and most likely spending some time cleaning tomorrow. I honestly think I need to do that before I can even get my head in the right place to start looking for work. I'm a little overwhelmed right now, to tell you guys the truth. I know I'll be all right though. Okay, so I don't KNOW that, but I'm going to just say that.
Because I'm feeling hormonal & emo, and because it's uber-appropriate to how I've often felt this year, my Vid of the Day today comes in the form of one of my favorite songs:
no subject
It varies. There are so many options it gets really confusing, to be honest. It's like, "hmm, do I want to pay a huge amount per month and not pay a huge deductible and then get good prescription coverage with Option A? Or pay less per month with a giant deductible and get medium prescription coverage with option B or, wait, do either of those cover mental health stuff? Let me start over. . ."
All I know is last time I looked, none of the options were really affordable for me and made sense. But if I end up having to be a temp again and it looks like I'll be doing it for a year or longer, I'll do another search because new options may have opened up with the recession.
no subject