![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
My heart has thawed and continues to beat
1. Song of the Day. It made me tear up. My mood is still closer to this (minus the last bit about pre-determined destiny, that is. I don't believe that. I relate to everything else though), particularly because I haven't left that staying-in-bed-for-most-of-the-day phase yet, but I have started feeling a shift. I'm incredibly stressed right now, to the point where all this unemployment stuff is making me feel nearly desperate (like, "Will I be able to keep living? What options do I have if I run out of money?"-desperate. I don't mean to scare people, but I need to be honest. A big issue is that certain jobs still feel off-limit to me, too, because of social anxiety. I feel trapped), but at least when those thoughts come up now they sound more bad than good. Still acceptable, but more bad than good. That's something, right? I may not exactly be gung-ho for life, but I don't like being forced into anything either, and for the first time in a long while I'm fighting the idea of death not just because I know I'm supposed to (and have told myself to in the past, i.e. the resolutions I've made with myself), but because I actually don't feel ready to die yet. So, yeah. That has to be worth something. I'm kind of in limbo.
That being said, things are very tenuous right now. Even if everything "works out" in a best-case scenario, it means getting a job. That stresses me out too. Deep breaths, in & out. It's all I can do. One step at a time. At least yesterday I both got the mail *and* opened it (yes, when you're like this--that's a task), and did the math to confirm that even with lesser benefits--if I do indeed qualify for the extended 20 weeks; they drop you to 80% of what you previously earned--I can still pay bills. It will be ridiculously tight, but that's fine. I have lived VERY cheaply before. I intentionally move into apartments with rent that's a good deal below what I can afford for this exact reason (plus it helps that, A. I don't have a car, B. I don't have a cell phone, C. I don't have anyone or anything depending on me, and D. I've never had any credit cards). You never know what situation you'll find yourself in. The only debt I have is from student loans & medical bills (and technically I'm a little behind on my electric bill, but not by much. Otherwise, there's simply rent + phone/internet/cable, & the miscellaneous stuff like medication & groceries & bus passes, etc). I also emailed my old friend/coworker to ask her for the address/name/phone number of the place where she works so I can go over & apply in person. I *really* don't want to work in a call center again--God, I hate it--but it would be close by, I have tons of experience in that area, and it would be better than sitting at home every day. Theoretically, it might make finding another job easier too, because then I could put on my resume that I'm currently employed, which looks better than "Hey, I've been unemployed for four months straight. Wanna hire me?" Know what I mean? I have to call the unemployment place before I do anything else though. I tried yesterday, but I called in the afternoon & the hold time was absurd. It's for the best anyway, because it allowed me to open the letter first, which they said you're supposed to do, though I don't see what difference it makes. But whatever. Today--8 am. I call. And panic. But call, regardless. Yay.[/monotone sarcasm]
2. My head has been hurting SO BAD the last week or so. I don't know how much of it is stress & how much is reducing the dose of the topamax (in fairness, I hate to admit it, but I've been even more terrible about eating, too. It's like my body suddenly feeling hungry made me even more determined to go without. I'm trying to deal with it. I did just finally have some Taco Bell, so, hey). I was going to make tonight my first night going off it completely, but the whole "staying in bed all day" deal screwed me up & consequently I missed getting the refill I needed for my antidepressent. Thus I missed it yesterday AND today. I don't want to throw my body for a crazy loop, so I'll wait on the topamax. And of course get my refill for the prozac tomorrow. Not really something I want to go without right now.
P.S. Sorry for all the body/brain talk, btw. For those of you who've never dealt with it, it's probably really boring, I know. It's what I'm dealing with right now, though. It helps me to break it down bit by bit sometimes.
3. On a positive note, the Cherry Blossom trees on my street are in bloom. Despite my allergies, that's my favorite part of spring. It'll depend on how I'm feeling, but I would like to take a walk soon (i.e. a ~Jaunty Woodland Walk~ along the nearby trails, like I used to--helpful link for pic-filled tree-hugging). I know I've been saying that forever, but the seasons changing does help up the motivation factor a little. We'll see.
4. I, like Cher in Clueless, love a good project--especially one that helps me feel more organized while also distracting me & wasting a bunch of time. As a result, I have a bunch of new tags now: Van Gogh-Go Gadget Cliched Artist (for pics of, you guessed it, my art), Voice Posts (I feel like they should have a tag. They're unique like that. P.S. Some of you don't know me well yet, so if there's questions you'd like to ask--ones I can answer in five minutes or less--feel free to drop them in the comments & I can do another voice post if you want. Woot woot. This counts for you lurkers too. I SEE YOU THERE. Heh. I won't bite!), Emotions Are Better on Paper (as an explanation for new flistmates: last summer, in an effort to better express certain feelings that otherwise were hard for me to access unfiltered, I began writing on paper--stream of consciousness/just-let it out-shit, in other words--and would sometimes later share it here. In many ways, I actually believe it's what helped lead me to finally writing fic. FYI, that tag also includes old poetry from ye olde teenaged days of yore, which I typed up. Be afraid), and, lastly, I Am a Special Snowflake (ASD-ish stuff. a.k.a. "I relate to Brennan: ASK ME HOW!").
Fun, fun.
Also: I'm even going to add to one of the above-mentioned tags…right now. *gasp* I KNOW. IT'S SO EXCITING. Heh.
I'll go chronologically:
Side by side, these were two of my first attempts with oil pastels. I believe I was sixteen at the time. It wasn't for school--just for fun.
A few random sketches from around the same age (same goes for the next few).
I believe I did this one when I was 17 for one of my drawing courses. We had to come up with multiple themes for "rites of passage/stages of life" or something similar to that effect.
This was another piece I did for the assignment mentioned above. (in this case the stage is "marriage/commitment"). It makes me think of my last fic, heh. (the title, that is) I wish I still had my other pictures from that project. I remember really liking the one I did for birth/pregnancy. Oh, well.
Same age, same class. I think this was one of those "do whatever the Hell you want" ones. I remember they were having a tour of the school while I was working on it, and I got annoyed because people kept standing behind me, watching & making comments. "Are you going for modern or post-modern? Bla bla bla? Does it have a meaning?" I was like, "I'm not ~going~ for anything. It's a pattern of colors. Go away." I USED TO HATE MOST CONTEMPORARY ART, btw. Hahaha. My friends were all, "Whoa, you gave them a death glare." Hee. But I mean, seriously, A URINAL IS NOT ART, DUCHAMP. YOU'RE GIVING THE ENTIRE WORLD OF ART A BAD NAME. I wouldn't even consider this picture serious art--it's just, as noted above, "whatever the Hell"-type shit. You know? Like, come on now. Yes, it took time & at least some effort, along with a layer of turpentine/subsequent vapor-induced headache o' inebriation (goodtimes), but it ain't no Sistine Chapel. Get a grip.
This was done during my senior year for my semester project on immigration. I was given a B & cried in the restroom. Ha. AW. For what it's worth though, it (by "it" here, I specifically mean the creative component, i.e. the art piece) was graded by my drawing teacher & not my Ohana (Hawaiian for "family"--think of it as a hippie version of homeroom. Remember, we were a magnet school) teacher. Normally, it would've been my Ohana teacher (who was also my teacher for certain morning classes, but nothing art-related. Just normal HS stuff), as he graded every other part of the project (the paper, the exhibition/presentation, etc), but for some reason that semester they had the teachers pick names out of a hat for the art piece in order to make the grading more objective/fair & so on. I was like, "ARGH. I HATE YOU." Haha. It worked out okay though, because my best friend tracked me down & got me to go talk to the teacher, who threw her logic at me (reminding me she only gave out As, like, once a frakkin' century, and that one of those few times had included the picture I posted above with the girl at the grave site--a.k.a. I should shut up & be grateful), and I got over it. Heh. Mostly.
Also done during my senior year (for a project on Hinduism). I remember I had to complete it in a hurry, due to procrastinating, and I HATED that rock. Still do. Heh. I was still new to using pastels for those types of objects, not to mention hair/skin tones. This one actually got an A, though, which is funny as I believe it deserved less than that.
I started this sometime after high school for my sister, but never finished it. I was too frustrated by it (I didn't like how it was turning out).
I used to get REALLY bored at my secretarial job, back in '03. Ha.
Like I said.
The second painting (i.e. with actual oil paints vs. oil pastels) I ever attempted--not counting a half-hearted attempt as a child--back in '03. As you can see, this one never got finished either.
And that's it! For those of you who are new to my journal, feel free to peruse the older entries on the tag (there's only seven, including this one) if you're in the mood to see more. I figured it might encourage people to try/share some of their own, if anything.
5. I'm so behind on my flist, and have enough piling up in my head as it is, so I'm just going to do a disorganized rundown of what I thought regarding Bones now, sans notes/rewatch.
I apologize in advance, since I haven't even rewatched the ep, but right now I honestly just don't have the energy. It's funny, because I liked it, but I'm just not in the mood to put that type of energy into my flail, y'know? Not indepth anyway. Stress, I guess; I'm not sure. I'm stalled on my fic, too, so it's an overall problem. I think once the unemployment stuff is resolved, that will help. If I can then also accomplish a few things on my mental to-do list after that, my mind will probably start feeling more free to be relaxed/creative again.
Anyway, I'll just jump in & cover what I remember:
-Dear Booth, say it with me: climate is different than weather. Don't make me come over there.
P.S. What's up with all the Philly stuff anyway? I THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM PITTSBURGH. PICK A CITY. (truth time: I don't actually really care that much, hee. The capslock there is simply on behalf of Jen & Kevin. I got your back, homies!)
-Angela/Hodgins: I actually thought TJ's acting was a little over-the-top in the scene with Wendell (the whole "lottery" deal? I was scrunching my face. I'M SORRY. I still love you, dude. I think it was the music, honestly. Once again, TONE IT DOWN, BONES MUSIC PPL. If it's loud & cheesified enough to distract me from what the characters are saying, you need to chickity-check yo self before you wriggity-wreck yo self. And again, I haven't rewatched the ep yet, so I might be actually remembering the music from a different scene, but yeah. I just remember it bugging me at some point. It might've been enough to taint the entire plotline with its ~This is a Very Special Episode about BLINDNESS-vibe~. Know what I mean? Like when something serious starts up & the music gets all Soap Opera-y, like, "You're supposed to feel something now. Just in case you didn't know," and the dialogue is all heavy-handed, and you're all, "Oh, for the love of Christ."
I prefer things subtle, unless there's a reason for the music to suddenly swell/take over your focus. Generally, if the music is smacking you in the face--imo? There shouldn't even be talking, or at least not much. Think The Shape of Things To Come with Baltar & Six in the Opera House. That's an example of TV music done right. Or the opening scene of "Judas on a Pole", with "Running Up That Hill" in the background. Very effective. Conversely, the Buffy ep "The Body", which had no music? Was assisted in its brilliance BECAUSE of its lack of music. It hit you even harder because it felt so uncomfortably raw & realistic. So, that's my point. Use it wisely or DON'T use it wisely.
Anyway though. I did like everything else about how they handled that plotline though, so don't get me wrong. Hodgins' little speech at the end? That was lovely. A wonderful way of changing the perspective on it from "OMG OUR CHILD WILL BE VISUALLY IMPAIRED. THAT MEANS THEIR LIFE WILL BE IMPAIRED!" to "Let's start learning other things they might be able to do" instead. Switch it up. Plus the whole "we can handle anything/that's good math" deal? Aww. ♥ They're gonna be good parents.
-Cam's hair: I still like it. YEAH, I SAID IT. Sure, it looked better long, but I like it short too. I'm a rebel, yo.
-Wendell: You are nice. Like, just in general. You seem like one of those guys that everyone wants to be friends with. You'd probably offer to fix a girl's car with no ulterior motive & not even expect to get paid. You're THAT kind of guy. The neighborhood big brother/cousin who tests the water out for you first & tells you if it's too cold. I like you (not like that, pervs. Heh). Please come back more often with your potatoes & your whole "totally-chill-behavior-towards-your-ex" deal you've got goin' on. It works for you.
-The blizzard: fake snow is fake. Haha. SO FAKE, omg. Can't they at least *try* to make it look real? Remember how XF used to freeze rooms for the arctic & literally paint entire Vancouver cliffside valleys New Mexico-y orange & shit? PUT IN SOME EFFORT, FOX.
-Sweets: That sweater! Hahaha. I love how he had his own little ~side adventure~ throughout the ep. Oh, Baby Duckling. You're just such a Butters, always getting kicked out of the group & trying so hard:
-Bones/Booth: Finally, we get to what really matters. Heh. Let's take it point by point, shall we?
-Brennan shoving Booth down on his knees--HA. I loved how his fingers were all dancing around spazzily & his face was like BOOM--RIGHT BY HER BOOBS. "Hello. Why is everyone saying hello?" HEE.
-"I BLAME YOU!" Oh my God, this made me laugh so hard, you guys. I knew right when Booth told her in the beginning that it'd only take fifteen minutes--and in my head I was like, "No it won't"--he was in trouble. I knew it even more so when they got to the hallway & she observed the same thing, and he was all, "two minutes!" I was like, "OH, NO." Then they got stuck in the elevator, and I immediately started laughing, like, "I WOULD FLIP MY SHIT." Hahaha. I mean, really. I love when she has tantrums/meltdowns though ("I WANT MY BONES!"--scenes like that), seriously. It's been a while, so that was awesome.
-Booth's story about his dad. I related. You guys know about my parents, so yeah. 'Nuff said. My mom isn't only a pill popper/narcotics addict (on top of being bipolar)--she's also a recovering alcoholic, though that caused much less chaos (in terms of the frequency of problems. But she's had multiple DUIs, ruined weddings due to getting wasted, etc). My dad was a casual drug user (weed) & what you'd call a "functioning/chronic" alcholic. He paid the bills & went to work, in other words. He's also had a DUI though, always drank in the car with us, and could NOT go a day without drinking. My stepmom bought liquor & beer in bulk; I'd ask her why she had to buy so much of it & she'd just give off this Stepford Wife laugh, all "Your dad needs his beer!" Okayyyyy. I never knew how much he must've been drinking until I was an adult (though I used to drop pennies in wishing wells & pray he'd quit as a kid--clearly I knew it was a problem. I just didn't know the quantity of what he was consuming, especially because he refused to attend meetings & tried to downplay it + I didn't even live with him, etc), when I realized that people who'd been binge-drinking on hard liquor brought up instant memories of him for me by scent alone (bear in mind I didn't actually *know* the person in question had even been drinking either. I commented that they smelled like my dad, without knowing why. I found the reason out afterward). So…yeah. It was like a HUGE PROBLEM when he found out Disneyland didn't serve alcohol, I remember. He was so fucking pissed off, snapping at all of us, and dragged us around the entire park until he found a place with Root Beer that also had regular beer. Then we ate lunch & he was all, "I think I was just hungry. Sorry for getting so grumpy! My blood sugar must've been low. HAHA.[/fake laugh implying it's TIME TO CHEER UP NOW, EVERYONE--or else]" WHATEVER, FREAK. YOU JUST WANTED A BEER. Then he proceeded to call me "high-maintenance" because I would only eat my cheeseburger a certain way. Asshole.
Anyway. This is one of those topics that could lead somewhere very longwinded, so I'll just stop there. But I get it. The good memories you have of parents like that? (If in fact you can remember any?--not everyone can, after all. I wouldn't want to alienate anyone here) Stick out SO HUGELY. You grab onto them to a ridiculous degree as a kid (and as an adult, remembering them). It's really sad.
And now let's change the topic, because this has me feeling sad. *shakes it off*
-Bones rubbing Booth's thigh. OH. MY. GOD. Her hand, people. It was RIGHT BY HIS MR. COCKY. I heard angels singing & fireworks exploding in my heart.
-B/B talk of teh sex: AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. Booth's dreamy face! Bones' flirty face! "Making love"! "Quite satisfying!" YEAH, IT WOULD BE. HOW 'BOUT YOU DO SOME OF IT RIGHT NOW. ~Bow chica chica oonst oonst~
-The new "never mention Hannah again" rule. I'm down. Are you guys down? I'M DOWN.
-Brennan's hat & outfit. SO CUTE. Just had to throw that in there.
-I feel like I might be missing things--this is why I should've done a second watch of the ep--but whatev. We've come to the final scene: everything about the difference between imperviousness & strength? MY FAVORITE PART. Yes. Just, YES. Sometimes this show just says the things I need to hear, you know? Stuff I can relate to *so deeply*. This was one of those things. I very nearly got verklempt. Heh. More importantly though, it's so true for her character & what she's gone through, particularly in light of "The Doctor in the Photo". That was beautiful.
As far as Booth's anger goes, it's also something I can relate to as an ACA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic/Addict--it also applies if you're from a dysfunctional home in general). It's something I've been talking with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
keenai about a lot over the last year. It sneaks up on you, and in my experience it did the most once I *left* the situation (i.e. having contact with my mom/stepdad/sister. As it is, I barely ever talk to my dad. He doesn't really talk to anyone very much), and it takes time to heal it. I think he started dealing with his stuff back a bit in season 4 (when his brother appeared), and I think his time in Afghanistan + Hannah rejecting his proposal + everything with Brennan (a LOT of overwhelming emotion there) has triggered stuff for him (it's obvious if you look at the signs: "I'm not a drunk", "What's wrong with me?", etc. There's a lot of internalizing & self-blame going on). I think it's smart of him to take a breather to calm himself down & figure a few things out before he moves into anything heavy again. It has to do with emotional sobriety, for one, and two, they want to do it right, y'know? It's not like he's going to come to a time where he's magically ~fine~ about everything in his past (trust me, it's just not realistic. Even when you're fine overall, stuff still comes up. People I see in Al-Anon/ACA meetings who've been attending for like 30/40 years still occasionally have things pop up out of nowhere), but I do think right now he's got a LOT of stuff simmering beneath the surface, and that's the kind of thing that can be really fucking confusing to your thinking process, not to mention how irritable it makes you (hence the anger--it doesn't necessarily have to be directed at a specific thing. You're just ANGRY. You want to open your mouth & scream forever & ever). That's not a good way to start a relationship as important as theirs. Taking time to be friends again for a while (don't forget those 7 months they were apart PLUS the distance while he was with Hannah AND him rejecting her AND her having rejected him last year--all of it), as he also works on himself as an individual, that's a good thing. Same for Brennan--who has been doing a great job dealing with her own past/emotional issues on her own. I'm very proud of both of them right now, honestly. They're communicating with each other AND facing their own emotions & that's incredibly difficult, especially when you're trying to overcome walls & what-not.
And just for the heck of it, here are two vids talking about emotional sobriety--in case some of you don't know what that means--and why 12 step meetings/meditation/things like that would be so helpful for someone like Booth (I'd love it if they'd have him go to an Al-Anon or ACA meeting even just once this season. Just think--Brennan could go with him & they could have a topic that would apply to her experiences in foster care etc too & it would be touching & make me cry & YES):
-I want to know what date they both wrote down. I love that Booth peeked. Ha. He's so going to just go with her date now, which you know will result in bantery bantering when she demands to see his paper & finds out he cheated. Hee.
-I know it's not as squee-worthy, but it would be if the whole date thing hadn't gone down: I LOVE THE MOVIE NIGHT THING. Like, I ALREADY LOVED THAT AS A FIC CLICHE. Now it's canon. YAY.
P.S. Can't resist: favorite movie night scene between Luke & Lorelai. Hee. I'd link to the Mulder/Scully movie night scene too, but that one's not on YouTube. Sorry, guys.
*edited to add: I can't believe I almost forgot about this scene:
I love that show so much.
-And yeah, I think that's it. I mean, I know I'm supposed to be freaking out over the final scene, but I kind of wasn't. I mean, I WAS--I rewatched it like five times & sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN, haha--but it just felt sort of right. Like it made sense, it felt good, I loved it, I knew something similar to it was coming, and there you go. I freaked out more over the near-Mr. Cocky touching earlier, heh. But seriously, I loved the final scene. Including Emily's body language, how Brennan was leaning away from him, because you could tell she was still nervous. They're not *quite* there yet. But they're GETTING there. I think that's why I'm happy but not, like, OMG THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX-capslocking this entire paragraph. It's still going to take a little more time. But she WANTS to give it a chance, despite her remaining nervousness, and so does he--despite his emotional issues--and that's fantastic. I have the feeling their friendship/flirtation/levels of FLOVE in the coming-up episodes will be ridic. It's going to get GOOD, my friends. Destination: SEXYTIMES. All aboard! (that's what she said)
-OOH, AND: I almost forgot--I looooooooved Brennan's "on the count of three?" questions. Hahahahaha. OVERTHINKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
My Vid of the Day comes from TheLovelyBones1 and is a wonderfully edited take on B/B between episodes 6x09 & 6x13. Intense & delicious. This is where they're comin' from, folks. Remembering that makes the (still coming--it's just beginning & things are always repressed under the surface with them; don't forget that) happytimes that much more powerful. I'd go so far as to say they're *still* holding back a little. This vid shows a little of the KAPOW-quality I think we'll continue to see slowly rise (not all at once, but in bits) on their way towards them being a real couple. They're like pressure cookers, these two. I swear.
That being said, things are very tenuous right now. Even if everything "works out" in a best-case scenario, it means getting a job. That stresses me out too. Deep breaths, in & out. It's all I can do. One step at a time. At least yesterday I both got the mail *and* opened it (yes, when you're like this--that's a task), and did the math to confirm that even with lesser benefits--if I do indeed qualify for the extended 20 weeks; they drop you to 80% of what you previously earned--I can still pay bills. It will be ridiculously tight, but that's fine. I have lived VERY cheaply before. I intentionally move into apartments with rent that's a good deal below what I can afford for this exact reason (plus it helps that, A. I don't have a car, B. I don't have a cell phone, C. I don't have anyone or anything depending on me, and D. I've never had any credit cards). You never know what situation you'll find yourself in. The only debt I have is from student loans & medical bills (and technically I'm a little behind on my electric bill, but not by much. Otherwise, there's simply rent + phone/internet/cable, & the miscellaneous stuff like medication & groceries & bus passes, etc). I also emailed my old friend/coworker to ask her for the address/name/phone number of the place where she works so I can go over & apply in person. I *really* don't want to work in a call center again--God, I hate it--but it would be close by, I have tons of experience in that area, and it would be better than sitting at home every day. Theoretically, it might make finding another job easier too, because then I could put on my resume that I'm currently employed, which looks better than "Hey, I've been unemployed for four months straight. Wanna hire me?" Know what I mean? I have to call the unemployment place before I do anything else though. I tried yesterday, but I called in the afternoon & the hold time was absurd. It's for the best anyway, because it allowed me to open the letter first, which they said you're supposed to do, though I don't see what difference it makes. But whatever. Today--8 am. I call. And panic. But call, regardless. Yay.[/monotone sarcasm]
2. My head has been hurting SO BAD the last week or so. I don't know how much of it is stress & how much is reducing the dose of the topamax (in fairness, I hate to admit it, but I've been even more terrible about eating, too. It's like my body suddenly feeling hungry made me even more determined to go without. I'm trying to deal with it. I did just finally have some Taco Bell, so, hey). I was going to make tonight my first night going off it completely, but the whole "staying in bed all day" deal screwed me up & consequently I missed getting the refill I needed for my antidepressent. Thus I missed it yesterday AND today. I don't want to throw my body for a crazy loop, so I'll wait on the topamax. And of course get my refill for the prozac tomorrow. Not really something I want to go without right now.
P.S. Sorry for all the body/brain talk, btw. For those of you who've never dealt with it, it's probably really boring, I know. It's what I'm dealing with right now, though. It helps me to break it down bit by bit sometimes.
3. On a positive note, the Cherry Blossom trees on my street are in bloom. Despite my allergies, that's my favorite part of spring. It'll depend on how I'm feeling, but I would like to take a walk soon (i.e. a ~Jaunty Woodland Walk~ along the nearby trails, like I used to--helpful link for pic-filled tree-hugging). I know I've been saying that forever, but the seasons changing does help up the motivation factor a little. We'll see.
4. I, like Cher in Clueless, love a good project--especially one that helps me feel more organized while also distracting me & wasting a bunch of time. As a result, I have a bunch of new tags now: Van Gogh-Go Gadget Cliched Artist (for pics of, you guessed it, my art), Voice Posts (I feel like they should have a tag. They're unique like that. P.S. Some of you don't know me well yet, so if there's questions you'd like to ask--ones I can answer in five minutes or less--feel free to drop them in the comments & I can do another voice post if you want. Woot woot. This counts for you lurkers too. I SEE YOU THERE. Heh. I won't bite!), Emotions Are Better on Paper (as an explanation for new flistmates: last summer, in an effort to better express certain feelings that otherwise were hard for me to access unfiltered, I began writing on paper--stream of consciousness/just-let it out-shit, in other words--and would sometimes later share it here. In many ways, I actually believe it's what helped lead me to finally writing fic. FYI, that tag also includes old poetry from ye olde teenaged days of yore, which I typed up. Be afraid), and, lastly, I Am a Special Snowflake (ASD-ish stuff. a.k.a. "I relate to Brennan: ASK ME HOW!").
Fun, fun.
Also: I'm even going to add to one of the above-mentioned tags…right now. *gasp* I KNOW. IT'S SO EXCITING. Heh.
I'll go chronologically:
Side by side, these were two of my first attempts with oil pastels. I believe I was sixteen at the time. It wasn't for school--just for fun.
A few random sketches from around the same age (same goes for the next few).
I believe I did this one when I was 17 for one of my drawing courses. We had to come up with multiple themes for "rites of passage/stages of life" or something similar to that effect.
This was another piece I did for the assignment mentioned above. (in this case the stage is "marriage/commitment"). It makes me think of my last fic, heh. (the title, that is) I wish I still had my other pictures from that project. I remember really liking the one I did for birth/pregnancy. Oh, well.
Same age, same class. I think this was one of those "do whatever the Hell you want" ones. I remember they were having a tour of the school while I was working on it, and I got annoyed because people kept standing behind me, watching & making comments. "Are you going for modern or post-modern? Bla bla bla? Does it have a meaning?" I was like, "I'm not ~going~ for anything. It's a pattern of colors. Go away." I USED TO HATE MOST CONTEMPORARY ART, btw. Hahaha. My friends were all, "Whoa, you gave them a death glare." Hee. But I mean, seriously, A URINAL IS NOT ART, DUCHAMP. YOU'RE GIVING THE ENTIRE WORLD OF ART A BAD NAME. I wouldn't even consider this picture serious art--it's just, as noted above, "whatever the Hell"-type shit. You know? Like, come on now. Yes, it took time & at least some effort, along with a layer of turpentine/subsequent vapor-induced headache o' inebriation (goodtimes), but it ain't no Sistine Chapel. Get a grip.
This was done during my senior year for my semester project on immigration. I was given a B & cried in the restroom. Ha. AW. For what it's worth though, it (by "it" here, I specifically mean the creative component, i.e. the art piece) was graded by my drawing teacher & not my Ohana (Hawaiian for "family"--think of it as a hippie version of homeroom. Remember, we were a magnet school) teacher. Normally, it would've been my Ohana teacher (who was also my teacher for certain morning classes, but nothing art-related. Just normal HS stuff), as he graded every other part of the project (the paper, the exhibition/presentation, etc), but for some reason that semester they had the teachers pick names out of a hat for the art piece in order to make the grading more objective/fair & so on. I was like, "ARGH. I HATE YOU." Haha. It worked out okay though, because my best friend tracked me down & got me to go talk to the teacher, who threw her logic at me (reminding me she only gave out As, like, once a frakkin' century, and that one of those few times had included the picture I posted above with the girl at the grave site--a.k.a. I should shut up & be grateful), and I got over it. Heh. Mostly.
Also done during my senior year (for a project on Hinduism). I remember I had to complete it in a hurry, due to procrastinating, and I HATED that rock. Still do. Heh. I was still new to using pastels for those types of objects, not to mention hair/skin tones. This one actually got an A, though, which is funny as I believe it deserved less than that.
I started this sometime after high school for my sister, but never finished it. I was too frustrated by it (I didn't like how it was turning out).
I used to get REALLY bored at my secretarial job, back in '03. Ha.
Like I said.
The second painting (i.e. with actual oil paints vs. oil pastels) I ever attempted--not counting a half-hearted attempt as a child--back in '03. As you can see, this one never got finished either.
And that's it! For those of you who are new to my journal, feel free to peruse the older entries on the tag (there's only seven, including this one) if you're in the mood to see more. I figured it might encourage people to try/share some of their own, if anything.
5. I'm so behind on my flist, and have enough piling up in my head as it is, so I'm just going to do a disorganized rundown of what I thought regarding Bones now, sans notes/rewatch.
I apologize in advance, since I haven't even rewatched the ep, but right now I honestly just don't have the energy. It's funny, because I liked it, but I'm just not in the mood to put that type of energy into my flail, y'know? Not indepth anyway. Stress, I guess; I'm not sure. I'm stalled on my fic, too, so it's an overall problem. I think once the unemployment stuff is resolved, that will help. If I can then also accomplish a few things on my mental to-do list after that, my mind will probably start feeling more free to be relaxed/creative again.
Anyway, I'll just jump in & cover what I remember:
-Dear Booth, say it with me: climate is different than weather. Don't make me come over there.
P.S. What's up with all the Philly stuff anyway? I THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM PITTSBURGH. PICK A CITY. (truth time: I don't actually really care that much, hee. The capslock there is simply on behalf of Jen & Kevin. I got your back, homies!)
-Angela/Hodgins: I actually thought TJ's acting was a little over-the-top in the scene with Wendell (the whole "lottery" deal? I was scrunching my face. I'M SORRY. I still love you, dude. I think it was the music, honestly. Once again, TONE IT DOWN, BONES MUSIC PPL. If it's loud & cheesified enough to distract me from what the characters are saying, you need to chickity-check yo self before you wriggity-wreck yo self. And again, I haven't rewatched the ep yet, so I might be actually remembering the music from a different scene, but yeah. I just remember it bugging me at some point. It might've been enough to taint the entire plotline with its ~This is a Very Special Episode about BLINDNESS-vibe~. Know what I mean? Like when something serious starts up & the music gets all Soap Opera-y, like, "You're supposed to feel something now. Just in case you didn't know," and the dialogue is all heavy-handed, and you're all, "Oh, for the love of Christ."
I prefer things subtle, unless there's a reason for the music to suddenly swell/take over your focus. Generally, if the music is smacking you in the face--imo? There shouldn't even be talking, or at least not much. Think The Shape of Things To Come with Baltar & Six in the Opera House. That's an example of TV music done right. Or the opening scene of "Judas on a Pole", with "Running Up That Hill" in the background. Very effective. Conversely, the Buffy ep "The Body", which had no music? Was assisted in its brilliance BECAUSE of its lack of music. It hit you even harder because it felt so uncomfortably raw & realistic. So, that's my point. Use it wisely or DON'T use it wisely.
Anyway though. I did like everything else about how they handled that plotline though, so don't get me wrong. Hodgins' little speech at the end? That was lovely. A wonderful way of changing the perspective on it from "OMG OUR CHILD WILL BE VISUALLY IMPAIRED. THAT MEANS THEIR LIFE WILL BE IMPAIRED!" to "Let's start learning other things they might be able to do" instead. Switch it up. Plus the whole "we can handle anything/that's good math" deal? Aww. ♥ They're gonna be good parents.
-Cam's hair: I still like it. YEAH, I SAID IT. Sure, it looked better long, but I like it short too. I'm a rebel, yo.
-Wendell: You are nice. Like, just in general. You seem like one of those guys that everyone wants to be friends with. You'd probably offer to fix a girl's car with no ulterior motive & not even expect to get paid. You're THAT kind of guy. The neighborhood big brother/cousin who tests the water out for you first & tells you if it's too cold. I like you (not like that, pervs. Heh). Please come back more often with your potatoes & your whole "totally-chill-behavior-towards-your-ex" deal you've got goin' on. It works for you.
-The blizzard: fake snow is fake. Haha. SO FAKE, omg. Can't they at least *try* to make it look real? Remember how XF used to freeze rooms for the arctic & literally paint entire Vancouver cliffside valleys New Mexico-y orange & shit? PUT IN SOME EFFORT, FOX.
-Sweets: That sweater! Hahaha. I love how he had his own little ~side adventure~ throughout the ep. Oh, Baby Duckling. You're just such a Butters, always getting kicked out of the group & trying so hard:
-Bones/Booth: Finally, we get to what really matters. Heh. Let's take it point by point, shall we?
-Brennan shoving Booth down on his knees--HA. I loved how his fingers were all dancing around spazzily & his face was like BOOM--RIGHT BY HER BOOBS. "Hello. Why is everyone saying hello?" HEE.
-"I BLAME YOU!" Oh my God, this made me laugh so hard, you guys. I knew right when Booth told her in the beginning that it'd only take fifteen minutes--and in my head I was like, "No it won't"--he was in trouble. I knew it even more so when they got to the hallway & she observed the same thing, and he was all, "two minutes!" I was like, "OH, NO." Then they got stuck in the elevator, and I immediately started laughing, like, "I WOULD FLIP MY SHIT." Hahaha. I mean, really. I love when she has tantrums/meltdowns though ("I WANT MY BONES!"--scenes like that), seriously. It's been a while, so that was awesome.
-Booth's story about his dad. I related. You guys know about my parents, so yeah. 'Nuff said. My mom isn't only a pill popper/narcotics addict (on top of being bipolar)--she's also a recovering alcoholic, though that caused much less chaos (in terms of the frequency of problems. But she's had multiple DUIs, ruined weddings due to getting wasted, etc). My dad was a casual drug user (weed) & what you'd call a "functioning/chronic" alcholic. He paid the bills & went to work, in other words. He's also had a DUI though, always drank in the car with us, and could NOT go a day without drinking. My stepmom bought liquor & beer in bulk; I'd ask her why she had to buy so much of it & she'd just give off this Stepford Wife laugh, all "Your dad needs his beer!" Okayyyyy. I never knew how much he must've been drinking until I was an adult (though I used to drop pennies in wishing wells & pray he'd quit as a kid--clearly I knew it was a problem. I just didn't know the quantity of what he was consuming, especially because he refused to attend meetings & tried to downplay it + I didn't even live with him, etc), when I realized that people who'd been binge-drinking on hard liquor brought up instant memories of him for me by scent alone (bear in mind I didn't actually *know* the person in question had even been drinking either. I commented that they smelled like my dad, without knowing why. I found the reason out afterward). So…yeah. It was like a HUGE PROBLEM when he found out Disneyland didn't serve alcohol, I remember. He was so fucking pissed off, snapping at all of us, and dragged us around the entire park until he found a place with Root Beer that also had regular beer. Then we ate lunch & he was all, "I think I was just hungry. Sorry for getting so grumpy! My blood sugar must've been low. HAHA.[/fake laugh implying it's TIME TO CHEER UP NOW, EVERYONE--or else]" WHATEVER, FREAK. YOU JUST WANTED A BEER. Then he proceeded to call me "high-maintenance" because I would only eat my cheeseburger a certain way. Asshole.
Anyway. This is one of those topics that could lead somewhere very longwinded, so I'll just stop there. But I get it. The good memories you have of parents like that? (If in fact you can remember any?--not everyone can, after all. I wouldn't want to alienate anyone here) Stick out SO HUGELY. You grab onto them to a ridiculous degree as a kid (and as an adult, remembering them). It's really sad.
And now let's change the topic, because this has me feeling sad. *shakes it off*
-Bones rubbing Booth's thigh. OH. MY. GOD. Her hand, people. It was RIGHT BY HIS MR. COCKY. I heard angels singing & fireworks exploding in my heart.
-B/B talk of teh sex: AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. Booth's dreamy face! Bones' flirty face! "Making love"! "Quite satisfying!" YEAH, IT WOULD BE. HOW 'BOUT YOU DO SOME OF IT RIGHT NOW. ~Bow chica chica oonst oonst~
-The new "never mention Hannah again" rule. I'm down. Are you guys down? I'M DOWN.
-Brennan's hat & outfit. SO CUTE. Just had to throw that in there.
-I feel like I might be missing things--this is why I should've done a second watch of the ep--but whatev. We've come to the final scene: everything about the difference between imperviousness & strength? MY FAVORITE PART. Yes. Just, YES. Sometimes this show just says the things I need to hear, you know? Stuff I can relate to *so deeply*. This was one of those things. I very nearly got verklempt. Heh. More importantly though, it's so true for her character & what she's gone through, particularly in light of "The Doctor in the Photo". That was beautiful.
As far as Booth's anger goes, it's also something I can relate to as an ACA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic/Addict--it also applies if you're from a dysfunctional home in general). It's something I've been talking with
keenai about a lot over the last year. It sneaks up on you, and in my experience it did the most once I *left* the situation (i.e. having contact with my mom/stepdad/sister. As it is, I barely ever talk to my dad. He doesn't really talk to anyone very much), and it takes time to heal it. I think he started dealing with his stuff back a bit in season 4 (when his brother appeared), and I think his time in Afghanistan + Hannah rejecting his proposal + everything with Brennan (a LOT of overwhelming emotion there) has triggered stuff for him (it's obvious if you look at the signs: "I'm not a drunk", "What's wrong with me?", etc. There's a lot of internalizing & self-blame going on). I think it's smart of him to take a breather to calm himself down & figure a few things out before he moves into anything heavy again. It has to do with emotional sobriety, for one, and two, they want to do it right, y'know? It's not like he's going to come to a time where he's magically ~fine~ about everything in his past (trust me, it's just not realistic. Even when you're fine overall, stuff still comes up. People I see in Al-Anon/ACA meetings who've been attending for like 30/40 years still occasionally have things pop up out of nowhere), but I do think right now he's got a LOT of stuff simmering beneath the surface, and that's the kind of thing that can be really fucking confusing to your thinking process, not to mention how irritable it makes you (hence the anger--it doesn't necessarily have to be directed at a specific thing. You're just ANGRY. You want to open your mouth & scream forever & ever). That's not a good way to start a relationship as important as theirs. Taking time to be friends again for a while (don't forget those 7 months they were apart PLUS the distance while he was with Hannah AND him rejecting her AND her having rejected him last year--all of it), as he also works on himself as an individual, that's a good thing. Same for Brennan--who has been doing a great job dealing with her own past/emotional issues on her own. I'm very proud of both of them right now, honestly. They're communicating with each other AND facing their own emotions & that's incredibly difficult, especially when you're trying to overcome walls & what-not.And just for the heck of it, here are two vids talking about emotional sobriety--in case some of you don't know what that means--and why 12 step meetings/meditation/things like that would be so helpful for someone like Booth (I'd love it if they'd have him go to an Al-Anon or ACA meeting even just once this season. Just think--Brennan could go with him & they could have a topic that would apply to her experiences in foster care etc too & it would be touching & make me cry & YES):
-I want to know what date they both wrote down. I love that Booth peeked. Ha. He's so going to just go with her date now, which you know will result in bantery bantering when she demands to see his paper & finds out he cheated. Hee.
-I know it's not as squee-worthy, but it would be if the whole date thing hadn't gone down: I LOVE THE MOVIE NIGHT THING. Like, I ALREADY LOVED THAT AS A FIC CLICHE. Now it's canon. YAY.
P.S. Can't resist: favorite movie night scene between Luke & Lorelai. Hee. I'd link to the Mulder/Scully movie night scene too, but that one's not on YouTube. Sorry, guys.
*edited to add: I can't believe I almost forgot about this scene:
I love that show so much.
-And yeah, I think that's it. I mean, I know I'm supposed to be freaking out over the final scene, but I kind of wasn't. I mean, I WAS--I rewatched it like five times & sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN, haha--but it just felt sort of right. Like it made sense, it felt good, I loved it, I knew something similar to it was coming, and there you go. I freaked out more over the near-Mr. Cocky touching earlier, heh. But seriously, I loved the final scene. Including Emily's body language, how Brennan was leaning away from him, because you could tell she was still nervous. They're not *quite* there yet. But they're GETTING there. I think that's why I'm happy but not, like, OMG THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX-capslocking this entire paragraph. It's still going to take a little more time. But she WANTS to give it a chance, despite her remaining nervousness, and so does he--despite his emotional issues--and that's fantastic. I have the feeling their friendship/flirtation/levels of FLOVE in the coming-up episodes will be ridic. It's going to get GOOD, my friends. Destination: SEXYTIMES. All aboard! (that's what she said)
-OOH, AND: I almost forgot--I looooooooved Brennan's "on the count of three?" questions. Hahahahaha. OVERTHINKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
My Vid of the Day comes from TheLovelyBones1 and is a wonderfully edited take on B/B between episodes 6x09 & 6x13. Intense & delicious. This is where they're comin' from, folks. Remembering that makes the (still coming--it's just beginning & things are always repressed under the surface with them; don't forget that) happytimes that much more powerful. I'd go so far as to say they're *still* holding back a little. This vid shows a little of the KAPOW-quality I think we'll continue to see slowly rise (not all at once, but in bits) on their way towards them being a real couple. They're like pressure cookers, these two. I swear.