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Just for today
Things that happened today:
1. We actually talked on the phone for almost three hours, too, all while managing to never truly discuss the reason we hadn't been talking for the past year. Skills, I know.
As for what preceded this, I got a message from her tonight on my machine, this time inviting me to her house for a Thanksgiving dinner with the kids (no drugged-up off-her-rocker mom, no pedo stepdad). She made it clear they wouldn't be involved & mentioned that she's not speaking with her at the moment either, which -- yeah, that's happened a million times before, but it still catches my attention.
So, I got online & talked with Jen (i.e.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dosidella) about it for a while, getting her opinion, and I decided to return the call & accept the invitation. As Jen recommended (and I agreed was a good idea), I'm trying to just look at this as *one day*. That's it. And take it from there. Which is something I've been working hard on doing in my life in general lately anyway, so that helps. Because, I mean, my instinct is to do the opposite. I'm a planner, which is necessary & good (people always say crap like "live as if today were going to be your last!" and meanwhile I'm all, "Um, yeah that's fine & dandy if it actually is your last, but what if it's not? Shit still has to get done & that sometimes involves planning more than 24 hours in advance, a-hole"), but I go SO far overboard with it by nature sometimes that to pull back on it simply brings me to a middle-ground level of white-knuckling the present. Heh. Y'know, rather than being ~caution to the wind~ girl. I don't think I even have that setting, frankly. Or, if I do, it's still one hell of a baggage-laden version. "BUT WHAT IF" should be my middle name.
Anyway, so the point is: my initial reaction is to make a big deal out of it, analyze it from every angle, and draw up contingency plans for five thousand possible negative outcomes & allll the ways I can magically prevent those outcomes (knowing I can't, rationally, but forging ahead anyway & then obvs blaming myself when it doesn't work); HOWEVER, I'm trying to not do that. So, as Jen put it, this is what I do here: I set my expectations low, particularly based on the past my sister & I have (and how things went last year, especially), I look at it as one day to see the kids & test the waters with her, and *after* that day, I can deal with the next day, and so on. And maybe this goes badly, tomorrow or weeks from now or months from now, and maybe it doesn't. But regardless, I can give it one day. And--here's the planner in me again--if it DOES last longer than a day? I will continually check in with my counselor, and you guys, to make sure I'm not being taken advantage of again, or abused, or heading toward another crisis point via stress, etc.
I'm still terrified, ngl. But I'll just keep repeating it to myself: one day. As an A.A. dude said in the book I'm reading right now, put a wall around today & don't look past it. Sometimes it's what you've got to do.
What I can say is that I got to say hello to Jayden (over the phone, of course) tonight for the first time in a year, and I told him I loved him. He's still into caterpillars, and he told me he has the butterfly garden I sent him for his birthday hanging in his room. Isabella STILL remembers me & apparently asks about me by name sometimes, which is incredible & almost made me cry.
And I'm reaching that almost-too-tired-to-write-articulately phase now, so I'm going to move on, but I had to at least talk about this some, and I promise I'll keep you guys updated on how tomorrow goes & beyond. I will at least add though that my sister mentioned having been to another counselor this year (not for long, but still), and that she felt she'd "gone crazy" over the last year & a half, which -- pretty much, yeah. She made a few comments about understanding things better now, re: me, which is also hope-inducing. Again, though, she's done this type of thing before, with the big promises & friendly-ness & what-not (followed by el loco), so…low expectations. Yes. But with at least a tinge of hope. I think. Or not. I don't even know. LET'S JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT NOW.
Oy, emotions. I hate them.
OH, WAIT, ALSO: She sent my dad a friends-request on facebook, but he ignored her. I JUST. I swear. My family.
2. I spent four hours on a round-trip bus ride to nowhere, a.k.a. Hillsboro. A+, self, for catching the wrong bus AND failing to write down the actual ADDRESS or NAME of the place you were going.
Seriously, if I'd been on time, I would've just looked for a church near that cross-street & figured it out (it was an ACA meeting)--I had directions, just not the damned address/name of the building--but getting on the wrong bus in the first place put me back by like twenty minutes, and I am not at all familiar with that part of town or super comfortable with wandering through it in the dark, clueless. So by that point it was already a lost cause, and I was like, "Fuck it. Let's turn around." SO RIDICULOUS. Ugh.
I'm committed to making it to a Saturday meeting if possible, though (it'll take place downtown, where I'm used to going). I really want to make ACA a priority again, even if I can only swing one meeting a week or one every other week. Just as long as it's at least semi-frequent & consistent. My goal for the next meeting is to share at least once & to stop & say hello to people after, rather than just walking out immediately when it ends.
3. I got out of work at 1:30, but still got paid for the full eight hours (tomorrow & Friday won't be paid, but hey, small favors). Oh, and: my manager gave the okay for me to change my schedule on Thursdays to 7 am - 3:30 pm, allowing me to continue seeing my counselor on a weekly basis. He said it may have to change if it becomes an issue (i.e. an inconvenience to others), but I think it'll probably be fine. At least for now. BIG RELIEF. Like, I was just shy of a panic attack while waiting for his response.
4. This should be included in "things that happened yesterday", but hush: I made gluten-free, egg-free chocolate chip cookies. And my beater broke half-way through, so I had to mix it all by hand, which was a ~big production~, what with the pouting & wrist-flapping & soreness & all (in other words: first world problems). So good, though.
5. I got an early Xmas present from Jen, including season 2 of Community, season 6 of Bones, and a tiny stuffed Yoshi. YOSHI IS OBVIOUSLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. Hee. But seriously, yay-ness. I have the bestest best friend ever.
For my Vid of the Day, have some random outtakes:
1. We actually talked on the phone for almost three hours, too, all while managing to never truly discuss the reason we hadn't been talking for the past year. Skills, I know.
As for what preceded this, I got a message from her tonight on my machine, this time inviting me to her house for a Thanksgiving dinner with the kids (no drugged-up off-her-rocker mom, no pedo stepdad). She made it clear they wouldn't be involved & mentioned that she's not speaking with her at the moment either, which -- yeah, that's happened a million times before, but it still catches my attention.
So, I got online & talked with Jen (i.e.
dosidella) about it for a while, getting her opinion, and I decided to return the call & accept the invitation. As Jen recommended (and I agreed was a good idea), I'm trying to just look at this as *one day*. That's it. And take it from there. Which is something I've been working hard on doing in my life in general lately anyway, so that helps. Because, I mean, my instinct is to do the opposite. I'm a planner, which is necessary & good (people always say crap like "live as if today were going to be your last!" and meanwhile I'm all, "Um, yeah that's fine & dandy if it actually is your last, but what if it's not? Shit still has to get done & that sometimes involves planning more than 24 hours in advance, a-hole"), but I go SO far overboard with it by nature sometimes that to pull back on it simply brings me to a middle-ground level of white-knuckling the present. Heh. Y'know, rather than being ~caution to the wind~ girl. I don't think I even have that setting, frankly. Or, if I do, it's still one hell of a baggage-laden version. "BUT WHAT IF" should be my middle name.Anyway, so the point is: my initial reaction is to make a big deal out of it, analyze it from every angle, and draw up contingency plans for five thousand possible negative outcomes & allll the ways I can magically prevent those outcomes (knowing I can't, rationally, but forging ahead anyway & then obvs blaming myself when it doesn't work); HOWEVER, I'm trying to not do that. So, as Jen put it, this is what I do here: I set my expectations low, particularly based on the past my sister & I have (and how things went last year, especially), I look at it as one day to see the kids & test the waters with her, and *after* that day, I can deal with the next day, and so on. And maybe this goes badly, tomorrow or weeks from now or months from now, and maybe it doesn't. But regardless, I can give it one day. And--here's the planner in me again--if it DOES last longer than a day? I will continually check in with my counselor, and you guys, to make sure I'm not being taken advantage of again, or abused, or heading toward another crisis point via stress, etc.
I'm still terrified, ngl. But I'll just keep repeating it to myself: one day. As an A.A. dude said in the book I'm reading right now, put a wall around today & don't look past it. Sometimes it's what you've got to do.
What I can say is that I got to say hello to Jayden (over the phone, of course) tonight for the first time in a year, and I told him I loved him. He's still into caterpillars, and he told me he has the butterfly garden I sent him for his birthday hanging in his room. Isabella STILL remembers me & apparently asks about me by name sometimes, which is incredible & almost made me cry.
And I'm reaching that almost-too-tired-to-write-articulately phase now, so I'm going to move on, but I had to at least talk about this some, and I promise I'll keep you guys updated on how tomorrow goes & beyond. I will at least add though that my sister mentioned having been to another counselor this year (not for long, but still), and that she felt she'd "gone crazy" over the last year & a half, which -- pretty much, yeah. She made a few comments about understanding things better now, re: me, which is also hope-inducing. Again, though, she's done this type of thing before, with the big promises & friendly-ness & what-not (followed by el loco), so…low expectations. Yes. But with at least a tinge of hope. I think. Or not. I don't even know. LET'S JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT NOW.
Oy, emotions. I hate them.
OH, WAIT, ALSO: She sent my dad a friends-request on facebook, but he ignored her. I JUST. I swear. My family.
2. I spent four hours on a round-trip bus ride to nowhere, a.k.a. Hillsboro. A+, self, for catching the wrong bus AND failing to write down the actual ADDRESS or NAME of the place you were going.
Seriously, if I'd been on time, I would've just looked for a church near that cross-street & figured it out (it was an ACA meeting)--I had directions, just not the damned address/name of the building--but getting on the wrong bus in the first place put me back by like twenty minutes, and I am not at all familiar with that part of town or super comfortable with wandering through it in the dark, clueless. So by that point it was already a lost cause, and I was like, "Fuck it. Let's turn around." SO RIDICULOUS. Ugh.
I'm committed to making it to a Saturday meeting if possible, though (it'll take place downtown, where I'm used to going). I really want to make ACA a priority again, even if I can only swing one meeting a week or one every other week. Just as long as it's at least semi-frequent & consistent. My goal for the next meeting is to share at least once & to stop & say hello to people after, rather than just walking out immediately when it ends.
3. I got out of work at 1:30, but still got paid for the full eight hours (tomorrow & Friday won't be paid, but hey, small favors). Oh, and: my manager gave the okay for me to change my schedule on Thursdays to 7 am - 3:30 pm, allowing me to continue seeing my counselor on a weekly basis. He said it may have to change if it becomes an issue (i.e. an inconvenience to others), but I think it'll probably be fine. At least for now. BIG RELIEF. Like, I was just shy of a panic attack while waiting for his response.
4. This should be included in "things that happened yesterday", but hush: I made gluten-free, egg-free chocolate chip cookies. And my beater broke half-way through, so I had to mix it all by hand, which was a ~big production~, what with the pouting & wrist-flapping & soreness & all (in other words: first world problems). So good, though.
5. I got an early Xmas present from Jen, including season 2 of Community, season 6 of Bones, and a tiny stuffed Yoshi. YOSHI IS OBVIOUSLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. Hee. But seriously, yay-ness. I have the bestest best friend ever.
For my Vid of the Day, have some random outtakes:
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I hope you have a good day with them.
Happy Thanksgiving, bb ♥
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Yay, gluten-free cookies! And yay, your boss letting you set hours that work for you!
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I'm a planner, which is necessary & good (people always say crap like "live as if today were going to be your last!" and meanwhile I'm all, "Um, yeah that's fine & dandy if it actually is your last, but what if it's not? Shit still has to get done & that sometimes involves planning more than 24 hours in advance, a-hole"
Ha! I'm the exact same. An ex reappeared in my life recently and most of my friends have been telling me to stop overthinking it and to have some fun, while I'm going "That's crap advice! How are you my friend? It will all end in tears and misery and heartbreak and AND... AND... *apoplexy*" Then again, maybe we should be allowed our bad choices too, even if we are smart enough to see what's ahead. Neither does being a planner make us a visionary or a psychic... you never truly know what will happen.
PS: I have a severe cold and every English word looks funny to me right now. I wish to apologize in advance for possible language slaughter in this comment.
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Then again, maybe we should be allowed our bad choices too, even if we are smart enough to see what's ahead
Maybe it's a risk/benefit assessment, and you just have to decide whether the potential benefits outweigh the potential risks. Not to mention be honest with yourself about what's "potential" & what's "likely."