Obligatory About Me Post
Dec. 31st, 2020 07:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82People have been commenting about my lack of an "About Me" post for a while, so I thought I'd finally create one. Just in time for everyone outside of Russia to abort ship! They'll have to drag me out of here kicking & screaming, though. After nearly 17(!) years, I'm comfy here, damn't. And as long as I have at least a couple friends who still keep up with me here, I will try to hang on.
Currently, I'm 37 years old, though I often feel either much younger or much older than that. It doesn't help that I'm a baby-faced oompa loompa at the mighty height of 4 feet 10 and a half inches, meaning people tend to treat me as if I'm younger than I really am and make lots of obnoxious comments. I'm also proudly queer (I'd say I'm probably about a 5 on the Kinsey Scale -- "homoflexible", if you will), and regrettably, eternally single. I can count the number of people with whom I've been on even one date using only one hand, and none of the relationships, if you can call them that, lasted longer than a month or two. Basically, I take "late bloomer" to the next level. Well, that, and my upbringing caused me to build a pretty high wall for anyone to jump over when it comes to romantic intimacy, though I am working to change that now. All that said, I do also sometimes feel old in my shoes, because I've been through a lot in my life thus far.
I currently receive ssdi both for Chronic Migraine and some mental health issues -- overall, I've been diagnosed with recurring Major Depressive Disorder, Complex-PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder w/ Agoraphobia, & mild/borderline OCD (I kinda feel like I should get some type of dysfunctional merit badge for collecting so many), though not all at the same time. For instance, I've pretty much overcome the Social Anxiety Disorder diagnosis. I also have some mild autistic-like traits, but not enough to be officially diagnosed as existing on the spectrum. To be fair, females are traditionally way under-represented & under-diagnosed in the autism community (especially adult ones, as they have often trained themselves to socially "pass" by then), but I have been told by a couple therapists that those symptoms are actually reflective of my Complex-PTSD and the stressful, chaotic upbringing I had. At the time I thought that was a pretty big reach, but since then I've done some research into both complex/developmental trauma and the Polyvagal Theory (along with reading The Body Keeps the Score, which was pretty eye-opening), and now I think they may have been right.
Moving on: up until 2014, I was attending school part-time at Portland Community College, with the goal of transferring to PSU to obtain a liberal arts degree, but there's been a pause button hit on that while I focus on caring for my health, both physically & mentally. It's taking significantly longer than I would like, and in time I may find that I need to adjust my expectations -- setting my goals instead as merely returning to part-time work, perhaps, but for now I just keep putting one foot in front of the other & hoping for the best. If I am able to eventually graduate, then I will most likely either become a tutor or ESL teacher, but there is also the chance of me going in a completely different direction like training to become a peer support specialist. Either way, I'd like to write in my personal time too as that is my real passion. My dream is to publish my own memoir, maybe some of my poetry, and possibly a self-illustrated book for children. In the meantime, I earn extra money through some freelance work I do from home, transcribing audio files online.
On a painful, but significant note: I grew up with a mother who had a severe & mostly treatment-resistant, rapid-cycling form of Bipolar Disorder (type 1) + a decades-long addiction to narcotics. Tragically, she died suddenly in 2012 at the age of only 55. We were estranged when she passed, but I never stopped loving her, and I miss her down to my very core. I also have a father whom I haven't seen in over a decade, and who lives several thousand miles away. In my opinion he's an alcoholic, albeit a pretty "high-functioning" one, though I'm sure he would disagree, and in the end it's not really for me to decide. I only know I remember dropping pennies into wells as a child, wishing he would quit drinking, and that kind of speaks for itself.
All of the above is not to say my parents & I didn't have any happy moments together growing up, however, because we absolutely did. They were just wildly inconsistent and hard to predict. But my mom taught me how to dance, & read to me every night. More than once, I made her laugh so hard that she peed her pants (she would probably be so mad I'm sharing that, lol). The world feels immeasurably emptier--and a lot more boring, frankly--now that she's no longer in it. My dad, meanwhile, passed down to me a deep love of music & a sharp sense of humor. Once he even painstakingly built me a dollhouse with individual wooden shingles, tiny strips of wallpaper, & hand-made furniture that must've taken him forever to create. I could name a long list of other positive memories I shared with them over the years, making the moments they were abusive and/or unstable extremely confusing for me emotionally, to say the least. But I'm learning to empathize with & forgive them a little bit more every day for the pain they caused me & my sister, and for the dammed-but-leaking trauma I carry with me to this day. I still keep my guard up to protect myself, but I try to let the resentment & bitterness go for my own well-being. I'm working on healing these wounds as best I can through therapy, music (I'm currently learning the piano), art, writing, & various 12-step fellowships such as Narcotics Anonymous, AA, & Al-Anon.
Suffice it to say, I could write a whole book here about my loud, little life -- from my family, to growing up in the suburbs of Portlandia during the Dream of the '90s, to the Arts & Communications magnet high school I attended (pretty much a microcosm of the city itself in the best possible sense), to my niece & nephew whom I completely adore, but it would take too long. Instead, I have a few links to give anyone who wants to peek more into my life a better chance to do so:
Below you'll find my "Year in Review" posts. I do them just about every year, and I did one for almost a whole decade in 2009. They're made up of quotes from all the entries I wrote during that time, and I still look back at them myself sometimes just to recognize patterns in my behavior & to be grateful for how far I've come when I look at the big picture. There's also a lot of fangirl flailing in the latter years. It's gotten me by countless times, even through the darkest of days.
Decade in Review Parts I and II
2010 in Review
2011 in Review
2012 in Review
2013 in Review
2014 in Review
2015 in Review
2016 in Review
2017 in Review
P.S. If any of you would like to view the soundtracks I created for some of those years, just visit my sometimes I make soundtracks tag. Please let me know if any of the links are broken, and I'll try to fix them asap. YouTube is a cruel mistress. Same goes for my Vid of the Day tags & so on.
P.P.S. Almost all my entries are friends-locked now, but I'm leaving certain things public (e.g. my fanfic, poetry, certain memes), and I will more than likely add you back if you leave me a comment letting me know you'd like to be friends. I will actually make an effort to read your posts & comment on them. Reciprocity is greatly appreciated, even if it's only displayed every once in a while.
Finally, since I know most of you are TV junkies like me, here's a list of all the major shows I've watched & enjoyed:
(and if you'd like more information on the shows I actively recommend, check out this tag.)
-The X-Files
-Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist
-Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Aeon Flux
-My So-Called Life
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer
-Angel
-Freaks & Geeks
-Arrested Development
-Sex and the City
-Gilmore Girls
-Veronica Mars
-Firefly
-Dollhouse
-Parenthood
-Battlestar Galactica
-Caprica
-Psych
-Portlandia
-Bones (S1 - S5 I'll always remember very fondly, as well as a few select episodes from S6, but beyond that it got pretty cringe-worthy for me, unfortunately)
-The Daily Show
-The Colbert Report
-@midnight
-The Nightly Show
-Broad City
-Community
-Parks & Recreation
-Party Down
-My Mad Fat Diary
-Miranda
-Friday Night Lights
-American Horror Story (Seasons 1 and 2 are my solid faves. After that it gets pretty hit-or-miss imo.)
-The Wire
-Southland
-Orange is the New Black
-Breaking Bad
-Fargo (season 1 at least -- haven't seen s2 yet)
-Archer
-House of Lies
-The Bridge (the American version -- haven't seen the original)
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine
-The Fall
-Grace & Frankie
-Veep
-Nurse Jackie
-True Detective (season 1 -- haven't seen s2 yet)
-Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
-Bates Motel
-Stranger Things
-Insecure
-Six Feet Under
-Atlanta
-Rick and Morty
-The L Word (if you bear in mind my love/hate relationship with it. The finale was TERRIBLE, and the series had a disappointing amount of biphobia overall, but it had its good/great moments too, and it served an undeniable need in the lgbtq community.)
-and, lastly, the first three seasons of Rizzoli on Isles. Er, I mean Rizzoli AND Isles. Wishful thinking, excuse me. You may also hear me refer to it as "Gay Bones," because let's face it, that's basically what it is.
And as a bonus, just so you know what I look like, here's a pic:
Currently, I'm 37 years old, though I often feel either much younger or much older than that. It doesn't help that I'm a baby-faced oompa loompa at the mighty height of 4 feet 10 and a half inches, meaning people tend to treat me as if I'm younger than I really am and make lots of obnoxious comments. I'm also proudly queer (I'd say I'm probably about a 5 on the Kinsey Scale -- "homoflexible", if you will), and regrettably, eternally single. I can count the number of people with whom I've been on even one date using only one hand, and none of the relationships, if you can call them that, lasted longer than a month or two. Basically, I take "late bloomer" to the next level. Well, that, and my upbringing caused me to build a pretty high wall for anyone to jump over when it comes to romantic intimacy, though I am working to change that now. All that said, I do also sometimes feel old in my shoes, because I've been through a lot in my life thus far.
I currently receive ssdi both for Chronic Migraine and some mental health issues -- overall, I've been diagnosed with recurring Major Depressive Disorder, Complex-PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder w/ Agoraphobia, & mild/borderline OCD (I kinda feel like I should get some type of dysfunctional merit badge for collecting so many), though not all at the same time. For instance, I've pretty much overcome the Social Anxiety Disorder diagnosis. I also have some mild autistic-like traits, but not enough to be officially diagnosed as existing on the spectrum. To be fair, females are traditionally way under-represented & under-diagnosed in the autism community (especially adult ones, as they have often trained themselves to socially "pass" by then), but I have been told by a couple therapists that those symptoms are actually reflective of my Complex-PTSD and the stressful, chaotic upbringing I had. At the time I thought that was a pretty big reach, but since then I've done some research into both complex/developmental trauma and the Polyvagal Theory (along with reading The Body Keeps the Score, which was pretty eye-opening), and now I think they may have been right.
Moving on: up until 2014, I was attending school part-time at Portland Community College, with the goal of transferring to PSU to obtain a liberal arts degree, but there's been a pause button hit on that while I focus on caring for my health, both physically & mentally. It's taking significantly longer than I would like, and in time I may find that I need to adjust my expectations -- setting my goals instead as merely returning to part-time work, perhaps, but for now I just keep putting one foot in front of the other & hoping for the best. If I am able to eventually graduate, then I will most likely either become a tutor or ESL teacher, but there is also the chance of me going in a completely different direction like training to become a peer support specialist. Either way, I'd like to write in my personal time too as that is my real passion. My dream is to publish my own memoir, maybe some of my poetry, and possibly a self-illustrated book for children. In the meantime, I earn extra money through some freelance work I do from home, transcribing audio files online.
On a painful, but significant note: I grew up with a mother who had a severe & mostly treatment-resistant, rapid-cycling form of Bipolar Disorder (type 1) + a decades-long addiction to narcotics. Tragically, she died suddenly in 2012 at the age of only 55. We were estranged when she passed, but I never stopped loving her, and I miss her down to my very core. I also have a father whom I haven't seen in over a decade, and who lives several thousand miles away. In my opinion he's an alcoholic, albeit a pretty "high-functioning" one, though I'm sure he would disagree, and in the end it's not really for me to decide. I only know I remember dropping pennies into wells as a child, wishing he would quit drinking, and that kind of speaks for itself.
All of the above is not to say my parents & I didn't have any happy moments together growing up, however, because we absolutely did. They were just wildly inconsistent and hard to predict. But my mom taught me how to dance, & read to me every night. More than once, I made her laugh so hard that she peed her pants (she would probably be so mad I'm sharing that, lol). The world feels immeasurably emptier--and a lot more boring, frankly--now that she's no longer in it. My dad, meanwhile, passed down to me a deep love of music & a sharp sense of humor. Once he even painstakingly built me a dollhouse with individual wooden shingles, tiny strips of wallpaper, & hand-made furniture that must've taken him forever to create. I could name a long list of other positive memories I shared with them over the years, making the moments they were abusive and/or unstable extremely confusing for me emotionally, to say the least. But I'm learning to empathize with & forgive them a little bit more every day for the pain they caused me & my sister, and for the dammed-but-leaking trauma I carry with me to this day. I still keep my guard up to protect myself, but I try to let the resentment & bitterness go for my own well-being. I'm working on healing these wounds as best I can through therapy, music (I'm currently learning the piano), art, writing, & various 12-step fellowships such as Narcotics Anonymous, AA, & Al-Anon.
Suffice it to say, I could write a whole book here about my loud, little life -- from my family, to growing up in the suburbs of Portlandia during the Dream of the '90s, to the Arts & Communications magnet high school I attended (pretty much a microcosm of the city itself in the best possible sense), to my niece & nephew whom I completely adore, but it would take too long. Instead, I have a few links to give anyone who wants to peek more into my life a better chance to do so:
Below you'll find my "Year in Review" posts. I do them just about every year, and I did one for almost a whole decade in 2009. They're made up of quotes from all the entries I wrote during that time, and I still look back at them myself sometimes just to recognize patterns in my behavior & to be grateful for how far I've come when I look at the big picture. There's also a lot of fangirl flailing in the latter years. It's gotten me by countless times, even through the darkest of days.
Decade in Review Parts I and II
2010 in Review
2011 in Review
2012 in Review
2013 in Review
2014 in Review
2015 in Review
2016 in Review
2017 in Review
P.S. If any of you would like to view the soundtracks I created for some of those years, just visit my sometimes I make soundtracks tag. Please let me know if any of the links are broken, and I'll try to fix them asap. YouTube is a cruel mistress. Same goes for my Vid of the Day tags & so on.
P.P.S. Almost all my entries are friends-locked now, but I'm leaving certain things public (e.g. my fanfic, poetry, certain memes), and I will more than likely add you back if you leave me a comment letting me know you'd like to be friends. I will actually make an effort to read your posts & comment on them. Reciprocity is greatly appreciated, even if it's only displayed every once in a while.
Finally, since I know most of you are TV junkies like me, here's a list of all the major shows I've watched & enjoyed:
(and if you'd like more information on the shows I actively recommend, check out this tag.)
-The X-Files
-Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist
-Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Aeon Flux
-My So-Called Life
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer
-Angel
-Freaks & Geeks
-Arrested Development
-Sex and the City
-Gilmore Girls
-Veronica Mars
-Firefly
-Dollhouse
-Parenthood
-Battlestar Galactica
-Caprica
-Psych
-Portlandia
-Bones (S1 - S5 I'll always remember very fondly, as well as a few select episodes from S6, but beyond that it got pretty cringe-worthy for me, unfortunately)
-The Daily Show
-The Colbert Report
-@midnight
-The Nightly Show
-Broad City
-Community
-Parks & Recreation
-Party Down
-My Mad Fat Diary
-Miranda
-Friday Night Lights
-American Horror Story (Seasons 1 and 2 are my solid faves. After that it gets pretty hit-or-miss imo.)
-The Wire
-Southland
-Orange is the New Black
-Breaking Bad
-Fargo (season 1 at least -- haven't seen s2 yet)
-Archer
-House of Lies
-The Bridge (the American version -- haven't seen the original)
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine
-The Fall
-Grace & Frankie
-Veep
-Nurse Jackie
-True Detective (season 1 -- haven't seen s2 yet)
-Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
-Bates Motel
-Stranger Things
-Insecure
-Six Feet Under
-Atlanta
-Rick and Morty
-The L Word (if you bear in mind my love/hate relationship with it. The finale was TERRIBLE, and the series had a disappointing amount of biphobia overall, but it had its good/great moments too, and it served an undeniable need in the lgbtq community.)
-and, lastly, the first three seasons of Rizzoli on Isles. Er, I mean Rizzoli AND Isles. Wishful thinking, excuse me. You may also hear me refer to it as "Gay Bones," because let's face it, that's basically what it is.
And as a bonus, just so you know what I look like, here's a pic:
