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rachg82Hey everyone. I know I haven't been around in a long time. Part of that was because my internet wasn't working for a while, part because I've been working a lot, but mostly because I've gotten out of the habit of updating, I think. I'm sorry I haven't commented in people's journals more, though. I hope everyone's doing all right.
I've been meaning to update for a while, actually. I actually have quite a few things to talk about.
I'm actually supposed to be at work right now, as I'm starting this. I woke up with a headache and like five minutes to get ready, this morning. Of course I always wake up with at least a mild headache, but I didn't fall asleep until late last night, and not enough sleep always adds a little crappiness to how I feel when I wake up. It wasn't one of the unbearable monster migraines I occasionally get, but it hurt enough to be distracting and I knew I would be late if I decided to go, and knew if I didn't lie back down it might get worse, and yeah. So I didn't go. I probably would've, if I'd had more time to lie down and get rid of it while still being on time. Because I go to work with those types of moderately distracting headaches all the time. But with the point system they have, any point against you for missing a day or being late on the weekend is double, and I have one day a week protected for me against that if I have a headache (family medical leave act, got it approved), so I decided to just use my day for that. I feel a little bad for doing it though, because even though I did have a headache, and it did hurt, it wasn't so bad that it didn't go away, and now I feel better. And then another day this week I might have a worse one, and not be able to use the fmla day. But oh well. I do well a lot of the time, putting up with the mild headaches that I have constantly, and going to work anyway, but sometimes--especially if I'm going to be late--I just can't get myself to push through it. I just don't want to do it. I get tired of trying to ignore the pain and do things. I'm human, I guess.
Actually, it hurts a little right now, so I shouldn't say it totally went away. But I'm all right enough to sit here and write this, so you guys know what I mean. Anyway, though.
On the bright side, I'll have insurance in January (I missed the open enrollment last winter, and have spent all year sans insurance), and hopefully I'll be able to try some things again for the headaches. Maybe have some luck this time around. I'm a little worried though whether they're going to say they won't cover treatement/prescriptions for my depression and anxiety, if it's considered a preexisting condition. A lady I work with said they pulled that on her, so that made me worry. I talked to the people on the benefits hotline though, and the guy said he didn't think it would apply to that. But I don't know if he really knew for sure what he was talking about. I think I'll probably have to talk directly to the actual insurance people, because the guy I talked to worked for my company, technically, but the actual insurance is through a different company. And they'd be the ones to actually decide that stuff. I don't know how I'd afford my prescription if they didn't cover it, while also paying for insurance. So that would be an issue.
But regardless, I so very much need insurance. It's sad when you're like excited about having coverage. Heh. Like, yay, I get to see a dentist finally! Whoo! You know what's irritating, though? I'm pretty sure it says that they don't cover mental health treatment (as in doctor visits) until you've paid the deductible. But they cover normal doctor visits, with a copay. Way to discriminate. Thanks a lot, guys. That really sucks, because I'd actually kind of like to talk with someone again. Not because I'm doing terrible or anything, but I think I could use it. I'm actually on the surface mostly okay, most of the time. But I still have anxiety-issues pop up sometimes (like even when I think I'm calm, and fine, I've been having palpitations again somewhat frequently, like I used to. And other physical symptoms of anxiety, without completely knowing why), and there's been this sense of a kind of slow undertow of depression sucking me in, underneath the fine-ness, that comes to the surface every now and then. And while I'll think I'm doing all right, I sometimes feel more vulnerable to it, and wonder if I'm doing enough to deal with it. Like this apathy and sadness that keeps trying to sneak in, when I'm not looking. It's kind of like a few years ago, I remember saying here that I thought I was doing mostly okay, but under the surface felt the depression still there, and wasn't sure if I was doing okay living with it and slowly overcoming it, or if I was just ignoring it and not dealing with it. And even though I tell myself I'm trying to make progress forward in my life, sometimes I wonder if I'm just treading water, spinning in circles, and going nowhere. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and just feel lost.
Even though I know twenty four is technically young, and anyone in their thirties or beyond would likely laugh at me for this, but I'm not a teenager anymore. I may not be old-old, but I'm getting older, and sometimes it freaks me out. Because what have I accomplished so far? I feel like I'm very behind on a lot of things. And what if I just keep getting older, and never catch up, and I'm wasting my youth? I don't know. I know I'm trying, and still figuring out how to live on my own, take care of myself, and be an adult. But I still feel unsure of myself in a lot of ways, and like I already said: lost. And again, I won't even always know why, like I'll be thinking I'm making progress, and doing okay, but underneath it all is that undefined feeling of "what am I doing? where is this life going? there's things missing, and how do I fix that? am I screwing everything up, and not realizing?"
I know some of it is just plain loneliness, and boredom. I have friends at work sort of, and am known there, and talk to people. I've exchanged numbers and email addresses with some, but never actually hung out with any of them outside work really. There's been a lot of "let's hang out sometime" that never plays out. To be fair, I haven't had much in the way of disposable income lately. If I did, I'd be more likely to take the lead and actually be like "so we've been talking about hanging out forever, how about this friday?" As in, actually pick a day and make it happen. On the other hand, there's ways to hang out that don't involve money, and I realize I'm making excuses. It's probably just plain insecurity, and feeling too shy to actually take the initiative like that. But I need to, because I know it would make me happier. It's just so hard taking a work-friendship to the next level and becoming friends outside of the job, sometimes. Even when you try to make plans, people get flaky, or busy, or things just don't pan out. And I hate feeling like I'm asking someone to hang out when they maybe don't want to. But again, I know I'm making excuses. Especially since why would someone talk to you all the time at work, and talk about hanging out, if they in no way wanted to? That's silly.
There's also the whole "I don't even know what I want or who I am" orientation confusion too, and that makes me feel a little out of sorts. I've pretty much mostly gotten over being in denial about the fact that I am attracted to other females sometimes, at least overall, but I still don't really know how I feel about guys. I know lots of people see sexuality as like a spectrum, or scale, and even if you are bi you don't have to be necessarily attracted to both genders equally. That sometimes people are more attracted to one gender, and only every now and then attracted to the other. And that it can depend on the person. So I understand that, but it bugs me that I feel like I can't pin myself down.
I think, probably, I have the potential to be attracted to both genders, but am more often into girls, and perhaps just extremely picky with guys and into them less frequently. That's the only thing I can figure, based on how I've been feeling since I started facing this stuff. But it makes me doubt myself when I see guy after guy that other girls are drooling over, and I'm like "meh, whatever." And I try to picture myself with a guy, and it sounds nice, but it's just not that much of a turn-on. At least not with most guys. And then of course there's the fact that, of the few times I've dated, the second we tried to make it physical the chemistry would go awol. I was so freaking uncomfortable, the few times I tried to kiss a guy or whatever. And not uncomfortable in the sense of just being nervous, but still wanting it. More like uncomfortable because I wasn't feeling anything, and felt like I was playing a role. But perhaps that was just bad luck, and not the right guys, you know? It's very possible. But, again, I rarely feel super physically attracted to guys in general. That always confused me, even before I accepted that I was also into girls. But I don't think I can say I'm not ever into them. For one, because even if I never see another guy I want again for the rest of my life, I can't deny the attraction I felt to my good ole Lovah, at Sears. I'm sure you guys remember how I went on and on about him, putting him up on this crazy pedestal of the Gods and shit. So what was that about, if I'm not into guys? You know? Seriously. He was kind of an aberration though, because out of the other guys I had "crushes" on in my life, most of them really weren't sexual. It was more like I was in love with the idea of being in love, and yes I did like those guys, but I didn't really want to make out with them, or have sex with them. But with my Lovah, I clearly remember feeling like "ahh, so this is what people are talking about. I kind of want to rape him, right now." Heh. The fact that I almost never feel that way about other guys in general though, it's kind of confusing.
I know when I compare guys and girls in my mind in general, the attraction to girls is different, and feels stronger a good deal of the time. But that doesn't have to mean I can't ever be into guys, too. But I think that after having spent so long telling myself I wasn't into girls, and finally acknowledging that I am and experiencing it, it's making me question myself in general. It's hard to come to any real conclusions when you have so little experience. It's annoying though, because it seems like something you should just know, and shouldn't have to think about. And I hear people at work or whatever talk about their coming out process at like the age of fifteen, or some crazy shit, and how they've known for years who they are and what they want, because they got their experimenting out of the way while still in highschool or college, and here I am at twenty four just now finally figuring out what my deal is. And I feel like kind of an ass for it.
And I would like to get out there and date, and just see how it feels, because I think some more actual experience would probably help clear things up, but I'm nervous, especially since I've had such little experience with dating anyone, regardless of gender. And I don't want to waste someone's time, like they're all looking for someone who's adult and is comfortable in their own skin and open with affection and all that, and they get stuck with me. Confused, shy, insecure ole me. What a rip-off.
Okay, so that's probably not really fair. I'm not a rip-off. But I'd probably be a pain in the ass, at least a little. I guess I could always give the potential dater a disclaimer first, like "So, I have issues and baggage, and I might be worth it, but I'd understand if you don't even want to bother. Just so you know. But if you're willing to give it a shot, I'll see you Friday at eight."
Really, I need to just get over the nervousness, and just put myself out there. It's not like if I date a girl, I can't warn her first that it's new for me, and that I'm probably going to be a little reserved and unsure of myself. But I don't really know how to get involved in the bi/gay dating scene. There's been a couple girls at work I've felt attracted to, but I'm never sure how to go about finding out what the person's orientation is, and knowing how to flirt in a subtle way that won't backfire if they turn out to be straight. Or, on the other hand, I also won't know how to flirt in a way that actually gets taken as real flirting, because I know I don't stereotypically look anything but straight, and even straight girls get away with silly fake-flirting all the time, way more than guys ever would. So you could straight up say "you look hot today" and the girl thinks nothing of it. Perhaps there's like a secret handshake or wink involved that I don't know yet. Heh. I guess there's something to be said for being out in a really obvious way, because then you can spot each other. You're like, "well, I wasn't sure, but the rainbow triangle tattoo and 'I Love Chicks' shirt kind of gave it away." Of course I could just up and say "I think you're cute, wanna make out?", but then again that might not really be appropriate in the workplace. So probably no.
I was thinking I could always try personal ads, but it would feel so arranged and weird. But at least it would be a place to start, I guess. It's not even like I think dating or being in a relationship would fix everything for me, but it'd be nice to stop thinking about crap and wanting something and actually act on those desires/thoughts for once. A little more walk, a little less talk, you know? It might even be fun, even if none of the dates go anywhere.
Of course I'll probably just continue talking about it for another six months, and it'll take an act of God or some strange alignment of the planets to get me to ask someone out. But we'll think positive for now.
As for how other things are going, they're mostly fine. Like I said, I have occasional low moods and stuff, but judging things on a scale that's relative to me, they're all right. Even if I've been screwing things up every now and then, I do think I've been improving in doing more overtime at work, handling my budget just a little better, and just taking a little better care of myself. Not always, I have my good and bad days, and to be honest I have about two dollars in my checking account right now (I get paid next Friday), but my last paycheck included about twenty hours of overtime and the only reason I've ended up so broke is because I was so behind with my bills to begin with. So I made about two hundred extra dollars on that check, but it all went to overdue bills, and now I'm poor again after rent got paid, and bla bla bla. But if I keep it up, and try not to miss much more like today if I can help it, I'll eventually catch up and do better. That's the idea, at least. That's partly why I was a little peeved at myself for not going today, even though I didn't feel good it's true, I could've anyway. And probably should've. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It's hard to have perfect attendance and never miss when you constantly feel at least mildly crappy. Hopefully it'll get better once I have insurance again and can try something new. Or not. But whatever. Doesn't hurt to hope.
While writing this, I just got a call from my Grandma, who told me she's sending me an early Christmas present (read: money), because she knows I haven't had my hair done since like June, and have wanted to. So she's sending me some moolah to do that, even though I hadn't asked. I mean, we'd brought up the idea a long time ago, but then she out of nowhere got me a microwave for my place a while back, and loaned me money another time, and I really didn't want to ask for anything else. So that was really nice of her. I did a little dance on the way to the bathroom about it, after hanging up. Hee. Getting my hair done, cha cha cha, getting my hair done, cha cha cha!
Hey, it's the little things in life, you know?
Anyway, back to what I was saying before: Mostly things have been okay. And even though I haven't had much of a social life as of late, I have been making more friends at work, and that's been really nice. Hopefully some of them will actually become friends outside of work.
I haven't lost any more weight, like I was wanting to, because I haven't really been trying honestly, but I haven't gained back the ten I lost last summer (at least as far as I know, it's been a while since I've weighed myself). So that's cool. Someone at work actually noticed and asked if I'd lost weight, which was cool.
In other, more important, news, my Mom had a somewhat massive heart attack in like September. And then one of her sisters had one just last week, too, although my aunt's was less severe. I started an entry here to tell you guys about it at the time, when my Mom got sick, but then I never finished it and for some reason never went back to it later. But yeah, my Mom's is more severe because I think the damage to her heart was more extensive, and she actually has congestive heart failure now and will have to take medication every day for the rest of her life for it. I don't really like thinking about it, because it sounds like it's something that's progressive and gets worse over time. On top of that, they won't allow her to take lithium anymore, because of the situation (I think because of the heart and also because her kidneys have been not quite right, although no one can make up their mind to make a diagnosis about them and say why), and I would absolutely cry if they tried to put her on depakote again (because she was like the meanest, worst person to be around that whole year. She was straight-up unbearable a good deal of the time), but what does that leave her? Lithium was never perfect, but it was the best at keeping her level. If she takes just an antidepressent by itself, sure, she doesn't get depressed as frequently, but it pushes her into mania more. That's why lithium was good, because it was a mood-stabilizer. Now all they have her on I think is some antidepressent and risperdal, which I know is sometimes given for mania, but I'm not actually sure if it's meant to be taken always in a preventative way. Like, are they supposed to only take it if they get manic, or take it all the time so they don't get manic to begin with? I'm not sure. And I know she doesn't like it, because as like with many of the anti-psychotics, they cause a lot of funny physical side effects like tics and restlessness. Or so I've heard. So I know she skips it more than she admits.
So that sucks. But she has an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon, and hopefully they can find a combination that will help her without making her feel miserable physically/mentally in other ways. As for how she's been acting, she's been a little all over the place. I think some of it is she's occasionally overtaking the things they give her for anxiety and insomnia and what-not. And she's very stressed. But one day I'll talk to her and she'll be totally normal and easy to have a conversation with, and two days later she'll be all agitated and weird, and get overly angry over things the way she does, and just funny. Like say something that doesn't totally make sense. But it's understandable, it's just hard to not know what to expect. She's okay most of the time though, all things considered.
When the heart attack happened, we'd actually had a fight right before-hand. Same for my sister. Immediately prior to that, Mom and I had been getting along really well, and then her and Joe had a huge fight, and suddenly she was ranting and acting nuts about it again, and that unfortunately happened to be at the same time that she started complaining about all these physical symptoms, and we thought she was just making something out of nothing (the way she usually does. I can't say the number of times she was "dying" and was actually fine). But the thing is, she actually went to her general doctor like the day before, telling her of the chest pain, and then Mom told me the doctor told her it was just anxiety. And Mom said she felt better after breathing deep and calming down. So I was like "Okay, that's not a heart attack, if it goes away once you calm down. That's an anxiety attack. And if it were an actual heart attack, wouldn't the doctor have realized it? Mom's just being a hypochondriac." Plus, when my Grandpa had his heartattack five years ago, it was a matter of him and my Grandma walking into their bedroom talking normally, and suddenly he stopped, sat on the bed with wide eyes unable to talk, and passed out. And never woke up again. Basically had such a severe one that it left him brain dead, and he died within a day. So when Mom was saying she'd been having chest pains off and on for days, while simultaneously being extremely upset, and was still alive, I thought it was the stress. I wasn't thinking. None of us were. And on top of that, we found out she got a whole bunch of pain pills that day when she went to the doctor, so it fit right in with her usual pattern of freaking out over nothing, taking too much of some drug or another, and in general going crazy. Of course after we knew what had happened, we understood why she would've taken so much vicodin, because she was having a fucking heart attack, but at the time she was all slurry-words and mad at the world, and I couldn't even talk to her. So I got mad at her for getting the drugs and hung up on her. Of course I called her back, and was like "if you really think it's something serious or you go into the doctor's again, call and let me know." But she didn't, and then in the middle of the night later I get a call from my sister in tears, telling me she'd had a heart attack and was in the hospital. And of course Corinne was just hysterical, because while I just got mad at Mom, she actually got so mad that she said nasty mean things and lashed out the way she does when she's mad (my sister has a crazy temper, she just loses it and starts saying hurtful shit, trying to antagonize you. Then a day later will realize how she acted and feel bad, and try to apologize).
And honestly at the time, we didn't know if she was going to live or not. Like a big joke played on us by fate, she got brought to the same coronary care unit in the same hospital where our Grandpa was taken, after his heartattack. So that was a little upsetting, walking in there for the first time since he died, seeing my Grandma sitting on the same couch as she was when I first walked in the previous time, and everything. And no joke, but they put my Mom in the same room where he was first put, Nanny said. I don't remember it being the same room, but it sounds like that's where he was at first, and then got moved. So that upset Nanny. God, the whole thing sucked. I felt absolutely sick, being there again. I'm pretty sure my sister actually threw up, in the bathroom there. We didn't spend all day there though, because after her surgery they wouldn't allow any visitors anyway, so Corinne went back to her place, and I went with my Grandma to her house. None of us had slept much, and I had like the worst migraine that whole day. And Joe was out of town, because he'd left for business right after the whole thing started, earlier in the week. Some other family members swung by the next day, but that first day it was largely just my sister, Nanny and I. But Nanny did a good job keeping us calm, because she's so strong in those types of situations. Even she cried and got flustered a few times, but she mostly keeps herself together if there's a crisis, and if you start losing it, she'll be the one to tell you to to keep the stiff upper-lip and all that. Sometimes she does that too much, when all you want to do is cry about a situation, and have an outburst, and you're not allowed. But I understand why she's that way, and where the good is with it.
It did get a little more stressful in some ways though, actually, when more family got involved. Because everyone heard that Mom had been so upset at Joe, and even though doctors said the attack was bound to happen eventually regardless, some of the cause had to be how upset she got herself. And so people who had ignored her and us for years, suddenly were full of opinions about her life and what Should Be Done, and whether she's even bipolar or not, and God it was irritating. I wanted to be like "You don't know what you're talking about. We do. So shut up, sit back, and listen." But of course you're not supposed to say that.
The whole thing was way more upsetting too because of the fact that we'd fought right beforehand, and because she complained of the symptoms and I told her it was anxiety. That haunted me. She actually drove herself to the hospital that night, and even parked correctly and everything. The day before she actually went and got her hair done too, and the doctors said she'd been essentially having a heart attack for days. So she was getting her hair dyed while having a heart attack. Crazy woman.
I felt small for days, like a little girl who just wants her Mommy. I actually felt like I was in shock or something, like Life just showed up and bitch-slapped me, and I realized no matter how much my Mom drives me batshit insane, I wouldn't want her gone. She still drives me crazy a lot of the time now though, of course. But it was something to realize how it would feel to potentially lose her. When you're faced with that, in a real-life way, none of the other stuff matters anymore. You just want your Mommy.
After what happened with my Mom, I got in a fight with my Dad. I called to let them know, the night it happened, and never heard back from them. Of course I found out my answering machine wasn't working most of Saturday (the heartattack/hospital stuff happened early on Friday morning), and they said they'd tried to call, but I was back Saturday evening and fixed it, and never got a message between then and when I finally called them late on Sunday night. I thought he wasn't calling because he was still mad at me for not calling him on his Birthday, back in June (we hadn't talked since then. I called him two days after his birthday, on Father's Day, while I was on vacation with Jen and Kevin in Pennsylvania, and he basically hung up on me, though he denies that now. And we hadn't talked again since. Of course I don't think it's that weird I would've forgotten his or my stepmom's birthdays, because we'd been going months without talking prior to that anyway, and haven't exactly been close. And hello, did he or did he not call me on my own Birthday this year? I had to call him. But of course it's all about him, and that doesn't matter). So yeah, I figured he was being crazy and not calling because of that, since I couldn't figure why he wouldn't be trying to call every minute, otherwise. Forget the answering machine not working for a day, if it were me, I'd still be trying to call a couple times a day, if all I'd heard was that my daughter's Mother had a heartattack and no one knew if she would make it. So when I called him though, and said I thought it was because he was mad, he got all cold and weird and sarcastic, like "you need to lighten up, Rachael." No questions about what had happened really, or even so much basic concern and compassion as a stranger on the street would've shown if I'd told them what had happened. It was all one-word replies, and fakeness. And "so how's your summer been?" And no I'm not kidding. How's your summer been. While I'm meanwhile in tears on the other end. So yeah, basically he was a total freak about it. Actually said "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cold or callous, but I can't pretend to care too much when it's your Mother, after everything she's put me through." Oh sure, that's not cold or callous or inappropriate to be talking about right now at all, Dad. And then at the end of the conversation, because I turn into a child when talking to him, I was actually like "I'm sorry (for crying), I've just had a couple of really upsetting days" and his reply was this impersonal "well, maybe we can talk again later when you've calmed down a little." Like, as in when I wouldn't need to talk, in other words.
So after that, we didn't talk for about a month straight. And he only finally called after I sent my brother a birthday card and left a message for him. Then days later they call, all "we were out of town so we didn't get your message" and "we were in disneyland, celebrating his birthday." Thanks for inviting me, guys. Kind of like how they took him to Disneyland for his fifth birthday too, and failed to invite me, when we lived in the same state. And were all full of excuses for why they didn't, when I said I would've liked to have gone, afterward. I don't even bother saying anything about that kind of stuff now. I know I'm not really a part of the family, and never will be, no matter what they say otherwise. I know I will forever remind him of my Mother, and will never be treated the same, because of that. But we can't talk about that, or anything real, because we're only allowed to discuss happy, superficial shit, and he and my stepmom can get away with not even asking "hey, by the way, how's your Mom? Did she live?" when we talk, kind of like how they never ask how my sister or Jayden are, because they don't exist.
I actually was not planning on calling them at all, if they hadn't called me. I only called then, because of my brother. But I mean, otherwise, aside from the required card at Christmas and stuff, I was prepared to have nothing between us if they didn't call me. Like, it was going to be over. O-v-e-r. I had nothing to say to him, if he wasn't going to call me, after that conversation. He never apologized, but at least he did call. So I wasn't going to just not talk to him. But I don't trust him anymore, emotionally. Not that I ever completely did, for a long time I had accepted he wasn't capable of showing real depth of emotions to people or having a healthy, full relationship, and that any ties I had with him would be superficial and repressed, but some of the times we'd talked in the spring--before the birthday issue--I thought we had made a few strides. Had talked about some stuff that actually mattered, and he acted like he cared. And it made me feel so good. So when he acted that way to me about my Mom, it really hurt. And I'm not going there again with him, if that's where it leads. Unless he gives me reason to trust him, then I'm not going to. Or at least I'll try not to. I'll talk to him, but I'm keeping my heart locked up and protected, while I do.
Moving on though, and in less poopy news, guess who got married? Jen and Kevin. I'd link to pictures she sent me from her digital camera, but I'm not sure if she wants those pictures blasted on the internet. So I'll wait for her to say if she wants me posting them or not. And yeah, they're young, but like I said to them in the card I sent them, they're like the only people I'd support getting married at this age. Because I think they actually have a chance at being happy together. Hell, they might be some of the only people of any age that I'd support. I mean, of married couples I've known, that is. Most really have no business trying to build a life together. Heh. Jen and Kevin, on the other hand? Are actually compatible, and in love, and all that other gross shit that makes the rest of us single unhappy bastards hate them. Which I'm pretty sure I alluded to in the card, too. Hee.
Hmm, I think I'm almost done here. But I'll speed through some other stuff, to be sure.
-I signed another nine month lease for my apartment, so I'll be here at least until next June or so.
-I'm still not back in school, but I'm hoping to be, next term.
-My job has been driving me less crazy than in some of my last entries, I think mostly because I've made friends at work, and have people to talk with between calls.
-I've been reading more again. Like, a lot more. It helps that at work, I have nothing to do between calls, other than read or talk to people. Well, they do play a lot of sports and Animal Planet on the TVs (they have TVs mounted on the walls, it's pretty cushy), but there's only so much Crocodile Hunter on closed captions that you can stand. I'm currently on page five hundred-something of Anna Karenina. It's pretty good (obviously), but holy shit is it long. Tolstoy had a lot of damn time on his hands. Heh. What rules though is I live next door to the library. Of course it's a tiny itty-bitty library, but still a library. And they can request books from other sites, if you ask. So I've been going through tons and tons of books. It's funny, it's like I'm discovering the library for the first time. Like "I can check this movie out for free? Really? And all these books too? All at once? I love you!" And they're like, "yeah, dude, it's the library. What's wrong with you?" Heh.
-Corinne stepped down at work, and right afterward Lance got laid off. Super timing. He got a new job at another place, but he's really bummed out because it's not really the one he wanted, and he doesn't start until the middle of the month, and they pay less. Oh, and their apartments raised their rent $150 dollars to renew their lease, so they have to find a new place to live, and are currently doing a month-to-month lease which costs an extra fifty bucks a month. So that's good times.
-But at least Jayden's still cute. Just in case anyone forgot. Hee. Nothing different when it comes to that. I have a few pictures of him on my Yahoo Photos page, but I don't think I can link to that from here. I think the only way to share them is to invite people to it by email. Not sure yet. When I figure it out, I'll let you guys see them, though.
I think that about covers it, for me. This entry is long. But I haven't written in months, and this is me we're talking about here! So I feel justified. (that's my story and I'm sticking to it)
I've been meaning to update for a while, actually. I actually have quite a few things to talk about.
I'm actually supposed to be at work right now, as I'm starting this. I woke up with a headache and like five minutes to get ready, this morning. Of course I always wake up with at least a mild headache, but I didn't fall asleep until late last night, and not enough sleep always adds a little crappiness to how I feel when I wake up. It wasn't one of the unbearable monster migraines I occasionally get, but it hurt enough to be distracting and I knew I would be late if I decided to go, and knew if I didn't lie back down it might get worse, and yeah. So I didn't go. I probably would've, if I'd had more time to lie down and get rid of it while still being on time. Because I go to work with those types of moderately distracting headaches all the time. But with the point system they have, any point against you for missing a day or being late on the weekend is double, and I have one day a week protected for me against that if I have a headache (family medical leave act, got it approved), so I decided to just use my day for that. I feel a little bad for doing it though, because even though I did have a headache, and it did hurt, it wasn't so bad that it didn't go away, and now I feel better. And then another day this week I might have a worse one, and not be able to use the fmla day. But oh well. I do well a lot of the time, putting up with the mild headaches that I have constantly, and going to work anyway, but sometimes--especially if I'm going to be late--I just can't get myself to push through it. I just don't want to do it. I get tired of trying to ignore the pain and do things. I'm human, I guess.
Actually, it hurts a little right now, so I shouldn't say it totally went away. But I'm all right enough to sit here and write this, so you guys know what I mean. Anyway, though.
On the bright side, I'll have insurance in January (I missed the open enrollment last winter, and have spent all year sans insurance), and hopefully I'll be able to try some things again for the headaches. Maybe have some luck this time around. I'm a little worried though whether they're going to say they won't cover treatement/prescriptions for my depression and anxiety, if it's considered a preexisting condition. A lady I work with said they pulled that on her, so that made me worry. I talked to the people on the benefits hotline though, and the guy said he didn't think it would apply to that. But I don't know if he really knew for sure what he was talking about. I think I'll probably have to talk directly to the actual insurance people, because the guy I talked to worked for my company, technically, but the actual insurance is through a different company. And they'd be the ones to actually decide that stuff. I don't know how I'd afford my prescription if they didn't cover it, while also paying for insurance. So that would be an issue.
But regardless, I so very much need insurance. It's sad when you're like excited about having coverage. Heh. Like, yay, I get to see a dentist finally! Whoo! You know what's irritating, though? I'm pretty sure it says that they don't cover mental health treatment (as in doctor visits) until you've paid the deductible. But they cover normal doctor visits, with a copay. Way to discriminate. Thanks a lot, guys. That really sucks, because I'd actually kind of like to talk with someone again. Not because I'm doing terrible or anything, but I think I could use it. I'm actually on the surface mostly okay, most of the time. But I still have anxiety-issues pop up sometimes (like even when I think I'm calm, and fine, I've been having palpitations again somewhat frequently, like I used to. And other physical symptoms of anxiety, without completely knowing why), and there's been this sense of a kind of slow undertow of depression sucking me in, underneath the fine-ness, that comes to the surface every now and then. And while I'll think I'm doing all right, I sometimes feel more vulnerable to it, and wonder if I'm doing enough to deal with it. Like this apathy and sadness that keeps trying to sneak in, when I'm not looking. It's kind of like a few years ago, I remember saying here that I thought I was doing mostly okay, but under the surface felt the depression still there, and wasn't sure if I was doing okay living with it and slowly overcoming it, or if I was just ignoring it and not dealing with it. And even though I tell myself I'm trying to make progress forward in my life, sometimes I wonder if I'm just treading water, spinning in circles, and going nowhere. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and just feel lost.
Even though I know twenty four is technically young, and anyone in their thirties or beyond would likely laugh at me for this, but I'm not a teenager anymore. I may not be old-old, but I'm getting older, and sometimes it freaks me out. Because what have I accomplished so far? I feel like I'm very behind on a lot of things. And what if I just keep getting older, and never catch up, and I'm wasting my youth? I don't know. I know I'm trying, and still figuring out how to live on my own, take care of myself, and be an adult. But I still feel unsure of myself in a lot of ways, and like I already said: lost. And again, I won't even always know why, like I'll be thinking I'm making progress, and doing okay, but underneath it all is that undefined feeling of "what am I doing? where is this life going? there's things missing, and how do I fix that? am I screwing everything up, and not realizing?"
I know some of it is just plain loneliness, and boredom. I have friends at work sort of, and am known there, and talk to people. I've exchanged numbers and email addresses with some, but never actually hung out with any of them outside work really. There's been a lot of "let's hang out sometime" that never plays out. To be fair, I haven't had much in the way of disposable income lately. If I did, I'd be more likely to take the lead and actually be like "so we've been talking about hanging out forever, how about this friday?" As in, actually pick a day and make it happen. On the other hand, there's ways to hang out that don't involve money, and I realize I'm making excuses. It's probably just plain insecurity, and feeling too shy to actually take the initiative like that. But I need to, because I know it would make me happier. It's just so hard taking a work-friendship to the next level and becoming friends outside of the job, sometimes. Even when you try to make plans, people get flaky, or busy, or things just don't pan out. And I hate feeling like I'm asking someone to hang out when they maybe don't want to. But again, I know I'm making excuses. Especially since why would someone talk to you all the time at work, and talk about hanging out, if they in no way wanted to? That's silly.
There's also the whole "I don't even know what I want or who I am" orientation confusion too, and that makes me feel a little out of sorts. I've pretty much mostly gotten over being in denial about the fact that I am attracted to other females sometimes, at least overall, but I still don't really know how I feel about guys. I know lots of people see sexuality as like a spectrum, or scale, and even if you are bi you don't have to be necessarily attracted to both genders equally. That sometimes people are more attracted to one gender, and only every now and then attracted to the other. And that it can depend on the person. So I understand that, but it bugs me that I feel like I can't pin myself down.
I think, probably, I have the potential to be attracted to both genders, but am more often into girls, and perhaps just extremely picky with guys and into them less frequently. That's the only thing I can figure, based on how I've been feeling since I started facing this stuff. But it makes me doubt myself when I see guy after guy that other girls are drooling over, and I'm like "meh, whatever." And I try to picture myself with a guy, and it sounds nice, but it's just not that much of a turn-on. At least not with most guys. And then of course there's the fact that, of the few times I've dated, the second we tried to make it physical the chemistry would go awol. I was so freaking uncomfortable, the few times I tried to kiss a guy or whatever. And not uncomfortable in the sense of just being nervous, but still wanting it. More like uncomfortable because I wasn't feeling anything, and felt like I was playing a role. But perhaps that was just bad luck, and not the right guys, you know? It's very possible. But, again, I rarely feel super physically attracted to guys in general. That always confused me, even before I accepted that I was also into girls. But I don't think I can say I'm not ever into them. For one, because even if I never see another guy I want again for the rest of my life, I can't deny the attraction I felt to my good ole Lovah, at Sears. I'm sure you guys remember how I went on and on about him, putting him up on this crazy pedestal of the Gods and shit. So what was that about, if I'm not into guys? You know? Seriously. He was kind of an aberration though, because out of the other guys I had "crushes" on in my life, most of them really weren't sexual. It was more like I was in love with the idea of being in love, and yes I did like those guys, but I didn't really want to make out with them, or have sex with them. But with my Lovah, I clearly remember feeling like "ahh, so this is what people are talking about. I kind of want to rape him, right now." Heh. The fact that I almost never feel that way about other guys in general though, it's kind of confusing.
I know when I compare guys and girls in my mind in general, the attraction to girls is different, and feels stronger a good deal of the time. But that doesn't have to mean I can't ever be into guys, too. But I think that after having spent so long telling myself I wasn't into girls, and finally acknowledging that I am and experiencing it, it's making me question myself in general. It's hard to come to any real conclusions when you have so little experience. It's annoying though, because it seems like something you should just know, and shouldn't have to think about. And I hear people at work or whatever talk about their coming out process at like the age of fifteen, or some crazy shit, and how they've known for years who they are and what they want, because they got their experimenting out of the way while still in highschool or college, and here I am at twenty four just now finally figuring out what my deal is. And I feel like kind of an ass for it.
And I would like to get out there and date, and just see how it feels, because I think some more actual experience would probably help clear things up, but I'm nervous, especially since I've had such little experience with dating anyone, regardless of gender. And I don't want to waste someone's time, like they're all looking for someone who's adult and is comfortable in their own skin and open with affection and all that, and they get stuck with me. Confused, shy, insecure ole me. What a rip-off.
Okay, so that's probably not really fair. I'm not a rip-off. But I'd probably be a pain in the ass, at least a little. I guess I could always give the potential dater a disclaimer first, like "So, I have issues and baggage, and I might be worth it, but I'd understand if you don't even want to bother. Just so you know. But if you're willing to give it a shot, I'll see you Friday at eight."
Really, I need to just get over the nervousness, and just put myself out there. It's not like if I date a girl, I can't warn her first that it's new for me, and that I'm probably going to be a little reserved and unsure of myself. But I don't really know how to get involved in the bi/gay dating scene. There's been a couple girls at work I've felt attracted to, but I'm never sure how to go about finding out what the person's orientation is, and knowing how to flirt in a subtle way that won't backfire if they turn out to be straight. Or, on the other hand, I also won't know how to flirt in a way that actually gets taken as real flirting, because I know I don't stereotypically look anything but straight, and even straight girls get away with silly fake-flirting all the time, way more than guys ever would. So you could straight up say "you look hot today" and the girl thinks nothing of it. Perhaps there's like a secret handshake or wink involved that I don't know yet. Heh. I guess there's something to be said for being out in a really obvious way, because then you can spot each other. You're like, "well, I wasn't sure, but the rainbow triangle tattoo and 'I Love Chicks' shirt kind of gave it away." Of course I could just up and say "I think you're cute, wanna make out?", but then again that might not really be appropriate in the workplace. So probably no.
I was thinking I could always try personal ads, but it would feel so arranged and weird. But at least it would be a place to start, I guess. It's not even like I think dating or being in a relationship would fix everything for me, but it'd be nice to stop thinking about crap and wanting something and actually act on those desires/thoughts for once. A little more walk, a little less talk, you know? It might even be fun, even if none of the dates go anywhere.
Of course I'll probably just continue talking about it for another six months, and it'll take an act of God or some strange alignment of the planets to get me to ask someone out. But we'll think positive for now.
As for how other things are going, they're mostly fine. Like I said, I have occasional low moods and stuff, but judging things on a scale that's relative to me, they're all right. Even if I've been screwing things up every now and then, I do think I've been improving in doing more overtime at work, handling my budget just a little better, and just taking a little better care of myself. Not always, I have my good and bad days, and to be honest I have about two dollars in my checking account right now (I get paid next Friday), but my last paycheck included about twenty hours of overtime and the only reason I've ended up so broke is because I was so behind with my bills to begin with. So I made about two hundred extra dollars on that check, but it all went to overdue bills, and now I'm poor again after rent got paid, and bla bla bla. But if I keep it up, and try not to miss much more like today if I can help it, I'll eventually catch up and do better. That's the idea, at least. That's partly why I was a little peeved at myself for not going today, even though I didn't feel good it's true, I could've anyway. And probably should've. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It's hard to have perfect attendance and never miss when you constantly feel at least mildly crappy. Hopefully it'll get better once I have insurance again and can try something new. Or not. But whatever. Doesn't hurt to hope.
While writing this, I just got a call from my Grandma, who told me she's sending me an early Christmas present (read: money), because she knows I haven't had my hair done since like June, and have wanted to. So she's sending me some moolah to do that, even though I hadn't asked. I mean, we'd brought up the idea a long time ago, but then she out of nowhere got me a microwave for my place a while back, and loaned me money another time, and I really didn't want to ask for anything else. So that was really nice of her. I did a little dance on the way to the bathroom about it, after hanging up. Hee. Getting my hair done, cha cha cha, getting my hair done, cha cha cha!
Hey, it's the little things in life, you know?
Anyway, back to what I was saying before: Mostly things have been okay. And even though I haven't had much of a social life as of late, I have been making more friends at work, and that's been really nice. Hopefully some of them will actually become friends outside of work.
I haven't lost any more weight, like I was wanting to, because I haven't really been trying honestly, but I haven't gained back the ten I lost last summer (at least as far as I know, it's been a while since I've weighed myself). So that's cool. Someone at work actually noticed and asked if I'd lost weight, which was cool.
In other, more important, news, my Mom had a somewhat massive heart attack in like September. And then one of her sisters had one just last week, too, although my aunt's was less severe. I started an entry here to tell you guys about it at the time, when my Mom got sick, but then I never finished it and for some reason never went back to it later. But yeah, my Mom's is more severe because I think the damage to her heart was more extensive, and she actually has congestive heart failure now and will have to take medication every day for the rest of her life for it. I don't really like thinking about it, because it sounds like it's something that's progressive and gets worse over time. On top of that, they won't allow her to take lithium anymore, because of the situation (I think because of the heart and also because her kidneys have been not quite right, although no one can make up their mind to make a diagnosis about them and say why), and I would absolutely cry if they tried to put her on depakote again (because she was like the meanest, worst person to be around that whole year. She was straight-up unbearable a good deal of the time), but what does that leave her? Lithium was never perfect, but it was the best at keeping her level. If she takes just an antidepressent by itself, sure, she doesn't get depressed as frequently, but it pushes her into mania more. That's why lithium was good, because it was a mood-stabilizer. Now all they have her on I think is some antidepressent and risperdal, which I know is sometimes given for mania, but I'm not actually sure if it's meant to be taken always in a preventative way. Like, are they supposed to only take it if they get manic, or take it all the time so they don't get manic to begin with? I'm not sure. And I know she doesn't like it, because as like with many of the anti-psychotics, they cause a lot of funny physical side effects like tics and restlessness. Or so I've heard. So I know she skips it more than she admits.
So that sucks. But she has an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon, and hopefully they can find a combination that will help her without making her feel miserable physically/mentally in other ways. As for how she's been acting, she's been a little all over the place. I think some of it is she's occasionally overtaking the things they give her for anxiety and insomnia and what-not. And she's very stressed. But one day I'll talk to her and she'll be totally normal and easy to have a conversation with, and two days later she'll be all agitated and weird, and get overly angry over things the way she does, and just funny. Like say something that doesn't totally make sense. But it's understandable, it's just hard to not know what to expect. She's okay most of the time though, all things considered.
When the heart attack happened, we'd actually had a fight right before-hand. Same for my sister. Immediately prior to that, Mom and I had been getting along really well, and then her and Joe had a huge fight, and suddenly she was ranting and acting nuts about it again, and that unfortunately happened to be at the same time that she started complaining about all these physical symptoms, and we thought she was just making something out of nothing (the way she usually does. I can't say the number of times she was "dying" and was actually fine). But the thing is, she actually went to her general doctor like the day before, telling her of the chest pain, and then Mom told me the doctor told her it was just anxiety. And Mom said she felt better after breathing deep and calming down. So I was like "Okay, that's not a heart attack, if it goes away once you calm down. That's an anxiety attack. And if it were an actual heart attack, wouldn't the doctor have realized it? Mom's just being a hypochondriac." Plus, when my Grandpa had his heartattack five years ago, it was a matter of him and my Grandma walking into their bedroom talking normally, and suddenly he stopped, sat on the bed with wide eyes unable to talk, and passed out. And never woke up again. Basically had such a severe one that it left him brain dead, and he died within a day. So when Mom was saying she'd been having chest pains off and on for days, while simultaneously being extremely upset, and was still alive, I thought it was the stress. I wasn't thinking. None of us were. And on top of that, we found out she got a whole bunch of pain pills that day when she went to the doctor, so it fit right in with her usual pattern of freaking out over nothing, taking too much of some drug or another, and in general going crazy. Of course after we knew what had happened, we understood why she would've taken so much vicodin, because she was having a fucking heart attack, but at the time she was all slurry-words and mad at the world, and I couldn't even talk to her. So I got mad at her for getting the drugs and hung up on her. Of course I called her back, and was like "if you really think it's something serious or you go into the doctor's again, call and let me know." But she didn't, and then in the middle of the night later I get a call from my sister in tears, telling me she'd had a heart attack and was in the hospital. And of course Corinne was just hysterical, because while I just got mad at Mom, she actually got so mad that she said nasty mean things and lashed out the way she does when she's mad (my sister has a crazy temper, she just loses it and starts saying hurtful shit, trying to antagonize you. Then a day later will realize how she acted and feel bad, and try to apologize).
And honestly at the time, we didn't know if she was going to live or not. Like a big joke played on us by fate, she got brought to the same coronary care unit in the same hospital where our Grandpa was taken, after his heartattack. So that was a little upsetting, walking in there for the first time since he died, seeing my Grandma sitting on the same couch as she was when I first walked in the previous time, and everything. And no joke, but they put my Mom in the same room where he was first put, Nanny said. I don't remember it being the same room, but it sounds like that's where he was at first, and then got moved. So that upset Nanny. God, the whole thing sucked. I felt absolutely sick, being there again. I'm pretty sure my sister actually threw up, in the bathroom there. We didn't spend all day there though, because after her surgery they wouldn't allow any visitors anyway, so Corinne went back to her place, and I went with my Grandma to her house. None of us had slept much, and I had like the worst migraine that whole day. And Joe was out of town, because he'd left for business right after the whole thing started, earlier in the week. Some other family members swung by the next day, but that first day it was largely just my sister, Nanny and I. But Nanny did a good job keeping us calm, because she's so strong in those types of situations. Even she cried and got flustered a few times, but she mostly keeps herself together if there's a crisis, and if you start losing it, she'll be the one to tell you to to keep the stiff upper-lip and all that. Sometimes she does that too much, when all you want to do is cry about a situation, and have an outburst, and you're not allowed. But I understand why she's that way, and where the good is with it.
It did get a little more stressful in some ways though, actually, when more family got involved. Because everyone heard that Mom had been so upset at Joe, and even though doctors said the attack was bound to happen eventually regardless, some of the cause had to be how upset she got herself. And so people who had ignored her and us for years, suddenly were full of opinions about her life and what Should Be Done, and whether she's even bipolar or not, and God it was irritating. I wanted to be like "You don't know what you're talking about. We do. So shut up, sit back, and listen." But of course you're not supposed to say that.
The whole thing was way more upsetting too because of the fact that we'd fought right beforehand, and because she complained of the symptoms and I told her it was anxiety. That haunted me. She actually drove herself to the hospital that night, and even parked correctly and everything. The day before she actually went and got her hair done too, and the doctors said she'd been essentially having a heart attack for days. So she was getting her hair dyed while having a heart attack. Crazy woman.
I felt small for days, like a little girl who just wants her Mommy. I actually felt like I was in shock or something, like Life just showed up and bitch-slapped me, and I realized no matter how much my Mom drives me batshit insane, I wouldn't want her gone. She still drives me crazy a lot of the time now though, of course. But it was something to realize how it would feel to potentially lose her. When you're faced with that, in a real-life way, none of the other stuff matters anymore. You just want your Mommy.
After what happened with my Mom, I got in a fight with my Dad. I called to let them know, the night it happened, and never heard back from them. Of course I found out my answering machine wasn't working most of Saturday (the heartattack/hospital stuff happened early on Friday morning), and they said they'd tried to call, but I was back Saturday evening and fixed it, and never got a message between then and when I finally called them late on Sunday night. I thought he wasn't calling because he was still mad at me for not calling him on his Birthday, back in June (we hadn't talked since then. I called him two days after his birthday, on Father's Day, while I was on vacation with Jen and Kevin in Pennsylvania, and he basically hung up on me, though he denies that now. And we hadn't talked again since. Of course I don't think it's that weird I would've forgotten his or my stepmom's birthdays, because we'd been going months without talking prior to that anyway, and haven't exactly been close. And hello, did he or did he not call me on my own Birthday this year? I had to call him. But of course it's all about him, and that doesn't matter). So yeah, I figured he was being crazy and not calling because of that, since I couldn't figure why he wouldn't be trying to call every minute, otherwise. Forget the answering machine not working for a day, if it were me, I'd still be trying to call a couple times a day, if all I'd heard was that my daughter's Mother had a heartattack and no one knew if she would make it. So when I called him though, and said I thought it was because he was mad, he got all cold and weird and sarcastic, like "you need to lighten up, Rachael." No questions about what had happened really, or even so much basic concern and compassion as a stranger on the street would've shown if I'd told them what had happened. It was all one-word replies, and fakeness. And "so how's your summer been?" And no I'm not kidding. How's your summer been. While I'm meanwhile in tears on the other end. So yeah, basically he was a total freak about it. Actually said "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cold or callous, but I can't pretend to care too much when it's your Mother, after everything she's put me through." Oh sure, that's not cold or callous or inappropriate to be talking about right now at all, Dad. And then at the end of the conversation, because I turn into a child when talking to him, I was actually like "I'm sorry (for crying), I've just had a couple of really upsetting days" and his reply was this impersonal "well, maybe we can talk again later when you've calmed down a little." Like, as in when I wouldn't need to talk, in other words.
So after that, we didn't talk for about a month straight. And he only finally called after I sent my brother a birthday card and left a message for him. Then days later they call, all "we were out of town so we didn't get your message" and "we were in disneyland, celebrating his birthday." Thanks for inviting me, guys. Kind of like how they took him to Disneyland for his fifth birthday too, and failed to invite me, when we lived in the same state. And were all full of excuses for why they didn't, when I said I would've liked to have gone, afterward. I don't even bother saying anything about that kind of stuff now. I know I'm not really a part of the family, and never will be, no matter what they say otherwise. I know I will forever remind him of my Mother, and will never be treated the same, because of that. But we can't talk about that, or anything real, because we're only allowed to discuss happy, superficial shit, and he and my stepmom can get away with not even asking "hey, by the way, how's your Mom? Did she live?" when we talk, kind of like how they never ask how my sister or Jayden are, because they don't exist.
I actually was not planning on calling them at all, if they hadn't called me. I only called then, because of my brother. But I mean, otherwise, aside from the required card at Christmas and stuff, I was prepared to have nothing between us if they didn't call me. Like, it was going to be over. O-v-e-r. I had nothing to say to him, if he wasn't going to call me, after that conversation. He never apologized, but at least he did call. So I wasn't going to just not talk to him. But I don't trust him anymore, emotionally. Not that I ever completely did, for a long time I had accepted he wasn't capable of showing real depth of emotions to people or having a healthy, full relationship, and that any ties I had with him would be superficial and repressed, but some of the times we'd talked in the spring--before the birthday issue--I thought we had made a few strides. Had talked about some stuff that actually mattered, and he acted like he cared. And it made me feel so good. So when he acted that way to me about my Mom, it really hurt. And I'm not going there again with him, if that's where it leads. Unless he gives me reason to trust him, then I'm not going to. Or at least I'll try not to. I'll talk to him, but I'm keeping my heart locked up and protected, while I do.
Moving on though, and in less poopy news, guess who got married? Jen and Kevin. I'd link to pictures she sent me from her digital camera, but I'm not sure if she wants those pictures blasted on the internet. So I'll wait for her to say if she wants me posting them or not. And yeah, they're young, but like I said to them in the card I sent them, they're like the only people I'd support getting married at this age. Because I think they actually have a chance at being happy together. Hell, they might be some of the only people of any age that I'd support. I mean, of married couples I've known, that is. Most really have no business trying to build a life together. Heh. Jen and Kevin, on the other hand? Are actually compatible, and in love, and all that other gross shit that makes the rest of us single unhappy bastards hate them. Which I'm pretty sure I alluded to in the card, too. Hee.
Hmm, I think I'm almost done here. But I'll speed through some other stuff, to be sure.
-I signed another nine month lease for my apartment, so I'll be here at least until next June or so.
-I'm still not back in school, but I'm hoping to be, next term.
-My job has been driving me less crazy than in some of my last entries, I think mostly because I've made friends at work, and have people to talk with between calls.
-I've been reading more again. Like, a lot more. It helps that at work, I have nothing to do between calls, other than read or talk to people. Well, they do play a lot of sports and Animal Planet on the TVs (they have TVs mounted on the walls, it's pretty cushy), but there's only so much Crocodile Hunter on closed captions that you can stand. I'm currently on page five hundred-something of Anna Karenina. It's pretty good (obviously), but holy shit is it long. Tolstoy had a lot of damn time on his hands. Heh. What rules though is I live next door to the library. Of course it's a tiny itty-bitty library, but still a library. And they can request books from other sites, if you ask. So I've been going through tons and tons of books. It's funny, it's like I'm discovering the library for the first time. Like "I can check this movie out for free? Really? And all these books too? All at once? I love you!" And they're like, "yeah, dude, it's the library. What's wrong with you?" Heh.
-Corinne stepped down at work, and right afterward Lance got laid off. Super timing. He got a new job at another place, but he's really bummed out because it's not really the one he wanted, and he doesn't start until the middle of the month, and they pay less. Oh, and their apartments raised their rent $150 dollars to renew their lease, so they have to find a new place to live, and are currently doing a month-to-month lease which costs an extra fifty bucks a month. So that's good times.
-But at least Jayden's still cute. Just in case anyone forgot. Hee. Nothing different when it comes to that. I have a few pictures of him on my Yahoo Photos page, but I don't think I can link to that from here. I think the only way to share them is to invite people to it by email. Not sure yet. When I figure it out, I'll let you guys see them, though.
I think that about covers it, for me. This entry is long. But I haven't written in months, and this is me we're talking about here! So I feel justified. (that's my story and I'm sticking to it)
