At night we walk into our houses and burn
Nov. 20th, 2006 01:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82Okay, so there's some serious dorkitude going on, over here. Last night I started this list of books and authors I've been meaning to read, or think I should read, and now I've got like two and a half pages going, covered on both sides. It's a good thing I live next to a library. What's more is that while there's some decently short and easy reads in the list, there's several that are like eight hundred pages plus, and are likely to make me want to hit my head into something hard. But see, I'm on a mission now. This is serious business, my friends. I will not be dissuaded. Viva le resistance!
Right, like I said, dorkitude. Anyway though, so the inspiration for this most recent example of my being a total, complete weirdo is that I decided over the last year to try to get back into reading again, and to improve overall the quality of what I read (which was actually inspired in part by living with Jen and Kevin, and the types of books they owned and read. And partly probably because I've been watching so many reruns of Gilmore Girls recently, and Rory's bookworminess made me want to step up my game. Heh). So yeah, I decided to read some of the so-called classics I've missed out on reading that everyone always hems and haws over, and all that. Mixed in with books that aren't necessarily classics yet perhaps, but are still famous for one reason or another. Stuff that will, in general, be worth my time and won't be forgotten two seconds after I finish them. Of course I'm throwing in some random easy stuff too, just for pure entertainment's sake (so I don't get burned out and go nutty), but I still have an overall theme going.
It also helps that I live alone, and get very, very bored. Heh. So the whole 2006 Readathon Bookstravaganza! gets some motivation from that, too. But it's not a bad way to pass time, and I'm always down for diving obsessively into a new hobby.
Probably the next book I read will fit into the "easy non-classic" category, because I just finished "Anna Karenina", so I figure I should go with something short and light next, before jumping into something long and intense again. Plus Nanny gave me a book recently that fits the bill, I think. I'm not sure how light it is yet, but it's less than four hundred pages, and written in this century, so there's that at least. Heh. The subject matter looks interesting too, so hopefully it'll be good. (for those curious, it's "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini).
In regards to "Anna Karenina," it took me about a million years to finish, but it was worth it. Some parts of the book dragged, like where Tolstoy via Levin goes on and on about Russian farming and agriculture, for instance. But the depths of characterization is fantastic in parts, and you do feel like you've reached a pay-off after finishing it. Particularly with the end of Anna's storyline. Trite and Keanu Reeves-esque as it may sound, the first thing I thought after finishing Anna's last scene was simply "Wow." Followed shortly by "God. Damn." And that's despite knowing how her story would end from the beginning. It was still pretty magnificently tragic. And even though Levin got on my nerves at points, I did relate a lot to his whole crisis of faith, and obsession with understanding the meaning of life and all that. I thought Tolstoy handled that pretty well.
So, yes, thumbs up for the "Anna Karenina." Although I don't plan on reading "War and Peace" anytime soon. Sorry, Tolstoy.
I'd like to hear your guys' recommendations too, for what to read next. You know, to add to my already growing list of ideas, because I'm crazy. I can't promise I won't totally ignore said recommendations (just keeping it real, yo. Heh), but I still want them. So yes, looking for books that you guys consider must-reads, like those that any self-respecting well-read individual should read at least once before they die. Not just so-called "classics," though, also books that you guys consider important or influential in a major way. Ones I might otherwise miss, and shouldn't. Or just ones that are simply personal favorites, for whatever reason. You know, just to keep things interesting. I've already harassed Jen and Kevin about this, so now it's your guys' turn. My personal list of ideas is currently ranging from Sylvia Plath to James Joyce to Ken Kesey to Salman Rushdie to Proust, so clearly I'm pretty open right now.
I'm sure the minute I go back into school (hopefully next term), the Readathon will take a back seat, but I'm having fun with it for right now, so it's cool.
Anyway, stuff in my life otherwise is okay. I'm a little nervous about my attendance at work, and money issues, but it's all right. I hope. I'm trying to get more organized with my budgeting, by actually keeping track of each purchase like you're supposed to, but unless I manage to stop missing so much work, I'll never be able to get out of the hole I'm in financially, let alone save up any extra money. And there's bound to be some time after the holidays where the unlimited overtime at work is taken away, which won't help. Plus, it does turn out in fact that my insurance won't cover what it considers to be pre-existing conditions for the first year, so if I continue to take Effexor I'll have to still pay for it out of pocket. So yes, stress. I've been seriously considering stopping the Effexor, because it would save me $140 a month to not take it, but I don't actually think it would be smart to do that, if I weren't seeing a therapist or something regularly while I did it. And again, the mental stuff they consider pre-existing, so if I were to see someone, it would be me forking out the dough for it. Life is annoying.
I'm not sure if it's just the stuff with my family this year, all the heart stuff I mean, or a coincidence, but I've been having lots of irritating physical anxiety symptoms related to the heart again lately. And I know that's likely all it is, just anxiety, but ugh. Freaks me out. I used to get it more, back in like 2001-2002, when I was having panic attacks all the time, and it's not like I haven't had anxiety stuff since then, but it's weird how it will manifest itself differently at different times. For a while, the anxiety will show itself by feeling lightheaded everywhere you go, or shaky, and then it'll be maybe the lump in the throat or a feeling of breathlessness, and then another time your heart will decide to start randomly beating like five hundred beats a minute, really strongly, even though you're just lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. And that's when it's most frustrating, when you don't even feel like you are necessarily that anxious about anything, but your body is telling you otherwise. Of course sometimes the symptoms could be caused by other things, but with me, it's bound to be at least somewhat related to stress and/or anxiety. Again, life is annoying.
And yeah, so I've been having palpitations a lot again, and chest pain. Back in 2001, I actually had my doctor look at my heart, doing an EKG or whatever it's called, because I was so convinced there was something wrong with it (I also had them do blood tests and stuff). And it wasn't all pointless, it did result in me finding out I was borderline anemic and had a cyst in my thyroid, but when it came to the other stuff that was concerning me at the time (like the rapid heart beat and dizziness, etc), it was just anxiety. I'm sure I'll still at least have a cursory checkup done in January when my insurance kicks in, just to be safe, but in the meantime I'm trying to remind myself it's most likely again just the stupid anxiety. It's so annoying though. Like when you're not even totally sure why it's happening. When I really think about it, I do think part of it is Mom having the heart attack, and then my Aunt having one last month, and then finding out one of my cousins has a heart problem too (who's the same age, just about). I think that freaked me out more than I consciously want to admit.
Possibly some of the chest pain could just be heartburn too, since God knows my stomach is an asshole. I honestly don't know.
Occasionally the anxiety is related to the Social Anxiety Disorder, too. I go back and forth with it still. In some ways, I do really well, but it irritates me that the anxiety is still there as much as it is. Like I'll sign my name in front of someone, and be able to do it without freaking out, but I still feel at least mildly self conscious and nervous. And that's annoying. But I guess it matters more that I'm not crazy with the panic, just self conscious. I suppose that's something. And I talk to people at work, and do things in front of them, but I still have little anxiety attacks every now and then, and they're manageable and I get over them, but it's still frustrating.
It's all right though. I'll take occasional chicken-shit moments and mildly annoying constant self consciousness over outright life-controlling panic. Like I'll walk down the street and still feel sometimes distracted by said self consciousness, and it makes me get ticked off with myself to a degree, but that's better than times I went through years ago when I couldn't get myself to walk into a mall.
It has lately been increasing a little in frequency and severity again, though. But that does seem to be how it goes with me, that I do well for a while, relapse for a while a little, and then depending on how I deal with it either struggle worse for a while or simply pull myself out of it and do better again. So I'm trying to just accept it, and let it be, and know it can pass, if I just handle it the way I have in the past. Hopefully, anyway.
When it comes to my Mom, and how she's doing, it's kind of unclear right now. Apparently, for God knows what reason, she has like a 30% kidney failure. As in, they're only functioning at seventy percent, or something. And as for why? No one knows. And they won't let her take lithium anymore, like I already told you guys, and there's not a lot else she can take. And that's very worrisome. At least the doctors have been recommending disability, which would probably be good for her. Not only because of the physical stuff, but because work is just too stressful for her. She can't deal with it anymore. She had disability through her jobs in the past, but never actual state disability, and that's what they'd be trying to give her now. Of course not working also poses problems of its own, because then there's the risk of her sitting at home alone all the time, getting lost in her head and having nothing outside herself to focus on, but like every job she's had over the last ten years has resulted at one point or another in her having to take time off because of her manic depression, or addiction issues (which is still tied to the manic depression anyway), or something. And as time has gone by, she's gotten worse when it comes to being able to concentrate and learn new things, and follow directions. It's not like she never has her head on straight, or that she's a constant basket-case, but she really can't hold down a job anymore.
I asked Joe recently how they were getting along, since he'd said he was going to try to make it work with her again after her heart attack, and he said he's still trying but most of the time lately she's still being really difficult to live with, which I can imagine. Because she gets really agitated and testy, and takes it out on others. And it's understandable, but hard to deal with.
Something interesting though, is that while I still sometimes get frustrated with her, I've recently (especially since the heart attack) found myself empathizing a lot more with her than I used to. The distance that exists between us has helped a lot. Not living together, I mean. And then, again, her almost dying made a pretty big impression too. I feel really bad for her, sometimes. I know she makes bad decisions when it comes to how to deal with her stuff, like when she decides taking a bottle of vicodin and a bottle of ritalin plus God knows what else would be a good idea. Not even because she's outright trying to kill herself, but because she does it to self-medicate. And it drives me crazy, when she does that. Because of how it takes her away from me, and she becomes another person, and it generally causes chaos in everyone's lives. But the thing is, I do understand it. Doesn't mean I don't still get mad at her for things ever, but I do feel like there's been a shift in how I feel about it, over the years.
Still, I don't know what she's going to do, when it comes to her mental stuff, with the new complication of her other physical problems. And I don't know if its gets worse, if Joe will stick around or if he'll be able to support her. Hell, I don't even know if my sister and I will be good for support, with that. Because sometimes I just don't know what to do or say to help her, or whether it's even possible. And I'm human, I get frustrated, and can't always take it.
But I guess it's something, that I'm at least starting to come to terms with it a little. That doesn't mean I've become okay with it entirely, and with all it entails, but I'm starting to accept that we can't always fix her or help. Or I'm trying to, at least. It's still really hard for me to accept though; I still have that little part of me that thinks we can just wish her well if we try hard enough, can force her to be well, and if she isn't then it's her fault, or ours, or something we did wrong or something we missed or who knows. It's that desire for control I've always had, in regards to her. And it may have become a subconscious thing over the years, because logically I know now as an adult that it doesn't make sense, but that doesn't mean it isn't still there. Because I do still feel like personally guilty if I can't make her feel better. And if at times I try to distance myself from it, either because I don't know how to help or feel I need to step away for the sake of my own emotional well being, then if I do that and something happens there's a part of me that feels responsible. And I know that responsibility has been laid on my sister and I by our family and her doctors over the years, so it makes sense, but it's given me major mixed signals. Because on one hand you get a message that says "accept her the way she is, you can't make her better," but at the same time, we were always the ones getting asked how she was doing, what medications she was taking, and there was just a lot of pressure I always felt from it.
Despite that, I have to a degree realized that I can't really control the situation, and actually that she can't completely either. And that she might still have more problems that are unforseen or worse, and I can't do squat about it. And neither can she always, either. And the fact that the thought of that is actually making me cry right now, kind of proves it's affecting me more in general probably than I'd like to admit. Like I already realized about the heart stuff, and the kidney stuff. And despite me being pretty calm about the whole thing, I do feel a little part of me down deep that wants to just throw stuff and freak out about it. Like why can't things just stay good for her? Why can't life just leave her alone? Why can't we have a happy ending?
But I think it helps at least to talk about it. And the best way to deal is to not internalize it and keep it to myself, and try to put it in perspective. Try to step back and remember those problems are not the sum total of my life. Even if the other stuff in my life is mundane, it's important to think of them too, and still go on trying to enjoy things. Not to obsess, in other words. It's also important to be grateful for the good things that have existed, and be able to see that no matter how many bad things she goes through, it doesn't negate those good things. I can try to see it differently. It's hard though, because I don't want to see her suffer, and I worry about her.
I do think it's really significant that I've felt myself trying to forgive her for things more, and actually succeeding sometimes. Like the years when she frequently made my life hell, before I moved out, and just all the stuff she put us through in general, growing up. I really hated her for a while, a few years ago. There was a time when I couldn't bear to even look at her, hardly. Because during those years in particular (before I moved out, I mean) she was often so mean to me all the time, and I didn't even know who she was anymore. She wasn't the same Mom I grew up with, then. And even beyond just that period, there was just so much other stress that her problems put on me, and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I felt like I would break under it, for a while. Honestly I still feel that way sometimes. But it was worse then. And I just wanted it to stop. And I was too invested in it and surrounded by it to have the capability of being okay with it.
But the thing is, trying to understand and forgive doesn't mean you're saying what happened was good, or okay. It doesn't mean you don't have the right to still get mad or upset if the same thing were to happen again, but you still have the choice to try to forgive it anyway. And that's kind of what I've been getting at. Like even if I would say I wouldn't do half the things that she did, and still hold her accountable for those things at least to a degree, I can still try to sympathize with how hard it must've been for her, trying to raise a family and live a normal life. And being older, it's easier for me to see in her actions how desparate she was, and how clueless she was when it came to how to deal with it. And it makes me feel bad for her, and want to just forgive her. But forgiving the past in our case also means forgiving what will happen in the future, at least in ways. Because while she may want to do better, that doesn't mean she can. And that's the thing with her, the worst part, that she gets to be okay for a while, and then for no apparent reason goes nuts again. And it hurts so much when that happens, especially when it involves her doing something you feel like she could control, like she'll stop taking medication, or take too much of some medication, and you'll feel angry at her for it. But you know, she just can't help it, I don't think. She just doesn't know how to handle her problems, maybe can't even. I don't know, maybe she can, but perhaps it's not for anyone else to judge. Or maybe it is, but it doesn't help to. And in the end, we really have no guarantees that if she's doing well now that she will continue to do so, no matter how much she or any of us want it.
And especially if she's not going to be taking lithium anymore, I think it's pretty important for me to get to that kind of point, where I forgive her for the things she does, and honestly just forgive her for not getting better, when it comes down to it. Because even if it's not fair, I do think there's a part of you that blames the person who's mentally ill, and resents them for it, even if you don't want to admit it. And sometimes you need to say that kind of stuff aloud, and face it. I really do think that's something I've needed to do, to forgive her for not getting better and staying better, and forgive life for it as well. Because I don't want to feel like I'm giving up on her, but there's a difference between simply giving up hope in and of itself, and actually forgiving her and yourself for it, and accepting it, and grieving it, and trying to move on. And taking what comes for what it is, and loving her anyway. I guess it means that I still try to be there for her, try to still help, but realize there's only so far you can push it, and that no matter how much you help, you are never going to make that person not mentally ill, or not sick, or whatever else it is. Not in a case like hers, anyway. All you can do is make the best of it.
I do think it's a work in progress, though. So don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll still flip out about her, if something crazy goes down. But again, I think it's something. I actually think it's something I'm going to try to apply to other areas of my life too. Because, in general, I do internalize other people's problems, and get upset when I feel like I can't make things better for people. Get all personally invested. And it's not even bad to care about others that way, but it is when you let other people's problems become your own, or put pressure on yourself and life to control things that maybe can't be controlled.
Anyway, aside from that stuff, and the anxiety and etc, there's been some nice things happening of late also. For some reason, it seems the negative stuff comes out more in my journal, a lot of the time. But I think that's just because it tends to be the place where I express those things, when otherwise I don't. So keep that in mind. But yes, on the more positive side, I've made progress with the whole building friendships and a social life thing. I went to a movie with a couple people from work one night last week, which I was invited into doing, and then myself asked another friend later on in the week to go to another movie and went together to that. And then afterward we ended up hanging out at her place, and getting massively drunkedy drunkfaced-drunk. Which was really fun actually (heh), but I regretted it later because I was sick as a fucking dog the next day. And actually the day after that, come to think of it. But I think I coincidentally got sick otherwise too, because even today I was sick to my stomach for like hours, for no freaking reason. Well, I was finishing my period though. But damn. All I know is that Friday made sense, hangover wise, but on Saturday I could still hardly eat a thing and felt super nauseated and achy all over, and then today woke up and (sorry for the tmi) had diarrheah for like two/three hours off and on. As in like every twenty minutes or so, getting up and having to go. Sucked. And so yes, I missed two days of work. Not good. But I seriously couldn't get out of bed yesterday until the evening, and then like I said was stuck in the bathroom most of this morning. Then went back to bed and passed out for the rest of the day, exhausted. And again, yesterday, couldn't even eat. So I think it started as a hangover, on Friday, and then beyond that I don't know. Maybe the period, maybe stress, maybe the flu. Not sure. But I do know I will try to plan on not drinking that much again in the future, whichever the case was.
Seriously though, that was a bit too much vodka. Heh. But it was fun to drop my reserves and get silly with someone, and it was really great to simply just go out with someone again at all, and have fun with someone new, period. To laugh and talk and have a good time. I mean, it has been way too long since I did that, other than with Jen and Kevin of course, or my sister. But the simple making a new friend and hanging out with them part hasn't happened in years I don't think. So it may make me a big loser to consider it a big deal, but for me it actually is. If only because it means me being less shy and putting myself out there.
I think a lot of the time my problem has been not taking the initiative with people, like talking about hanging out "sometime," and not actually getting into the specifics. Like bringing up a particular movie, or suggesting a particular day. I just never took it to the next level, because I was too shy. I actually almost felt scared to hang out with her that night too, especially after the movie when she suggested going back to her place, because I was worried we would have less to talk about outside of work or that it would be awkward, but it turned out to be fun, and worth it. Who knows, maybe I'll learn to get out of this rut I've been in the last few years, and start having a life again. Would be cool. I don't think it'll be an overnight thing, but at least there's a sign of progress, you know? It's of the good.
Okay, and now I really need to get to bed. I'm going to try to not worry about having missed work, and all that. I know aside from the attendance, I'm considered one of the best employees there (or so I'm told), and I've certainly come close to the end of the line with my points before and not been fired. But I hate feeling like my ass is so close to being over the fire, and feeling so unsure about it. Agh. But I'm not going to worry about it! (this is what I'm telling myself) Not. Going. To. Worry.
Well, I'll try not to anyway. Probably will, still.
Oh well. I still need to go to bed. So to bed I go. P.S. the movies I saw? "Borat" and "Stranger Than Fiction," both of which I liked and recommend seeing. Well, the first as long as you can handle intentionally offensive humor. If you're sensitive to that kind of stuff, then skip it.
Right, like I said, dorkitude. Anyway though, so the inspiration for this most recent example of my being a total, complete weirdo is that I decided over the last year to try to get back into reading again, and to improve overall the quality of what I read (which was actually inspired in part by living with Jen and Kevin, and the types of books they owned and read. And partly probably because I've been watching so many reruns of Gilmore Girls recently, and Rory's bookworminess made me want to step up my game. Heh). So yeah, I decided to read some of the so-called classics I've missed out on reading that everyone always hems and haws over, and all that. Mixed in with books that aren't necessarily classics yet perhaps, but are still famous for one reason or another. Stuff that will, in general, be worth my time and won't be forgotten two seconds after I finish them. Of course I'm throwing in some random easy stuff too, just for pure entertainment's sake (so I don't get burned out and go nutty), but I still have an overall theme going.
It also helps that I live alone, and get very, very bored. Heh. So the whole 2006 Readathon Bookstravaganza! gets some motivation from that, too. But it's not a bad way to pass time, and I'm always down for diving obsessively into a new hobby.
Probably the next book I read will fit into the "easy non-classic" category, because I just finished "Anna Karenina", so I figure I should go with something short and light next, before jumping into something long and intense again. Plus Nanny gave me a book recently that fits the bill, I think. I'm not sure how light it is yet, but it's less than four hundred pages, and written in this century, so there's that at least. Heh. The subject matter looks interesting too, so hopefully it'll be good. (for those curious, it's "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini).
In regards to "Anna Karenina," it took me about a million years to finish, but it was worth it. Some parts of the book dragged, like where Tolstoy via Levin goes on and on about Russian farming and agriculture, for instance. But the depths of characterization is fantastic in parts, and you do feel like you've reached a pay-off after finishing it. Particularly with the end of Anna's storyline. Trite and Keanu Reeves-esque as it may sound, the first thing I thought after finishing Anna's last scene was simply "Wow." Followed shortly by "God. Damn." And that's despite knowing how her story would end from the beginning. It was still pretty magnificently tragic. And even though Levin got on my nerves at points, I did relate a lot to his whole crisis of faith, and obsession with understanding the meaning of life and all that. I thought Tolstoy handled that pretty well.
So, yes, thumbs up for the "Anna Karenina." Although I don't plan on reading "War and Peace" anytime soon. Sorry, Tolstoy.
I'd like to hear your guys' recommendations too, for what to read next. You know, to add to my already growing list of ideas, because I'm crazy. I can't promise I won't totally ignore said recommendations (just keeping it real, yo. Heh), but I still want them. So yes, looking for books that you guys consider must-reads, like those that any self-respecting well-read individual should read at least once before they die. Not just so-called "classics," though, also books that you guys consider important or influential in a major way. Ones I might otherwise miss, and shouldn't. Or just ones that are simply personal favorites, for whatever reason. You know, just to keep things interesting. I've already harassed Jen and Kevin about this, so now it's your guys' turn. My personal list of ideas is currently ranging from Sylvia Plath to James Joyce to Ken Kesey to Salman Rushdie to Proust, so clearly I'm pretty open right now.
I'm sure the minute I go back into school (hopefully next term), the Readathon will take a back seat, but I'm having fun with it for right now, so it's cool.
Anyway, stuff in my life otherwise is okay. I'm a little nervous about my attendance at work, and money issues, but it's all right. I hope. I'm trying to get more organized with my budgeting, by actually keeping track of each purchase like you're supposed to, but unless I manage to stop missing so much work, I'll never be able to get out of the hole I'm in financially, let alone save up any extra money. And there's bound to be some time after the holidays where the unlimited overtime at work is taken away, which won't help. Plus, it does turn out in fact that my insurance won't cover what it considers to be pre-existing conditions for the first year, so if I continue to take Effexor I'll have to still pay for it out of pocket. So yes, stress. I've been seriously considering stopping the Effexor, because it would save me $140 a month to not take it, but I don't actually think it would be smart to do that, if I weren't seeing a therapist or something regularly while I did it. And again, the mental stuff they consider pre-existing, so if I were to see someone, it would be me forking out the dough for it. Life is annoying.
I'm not sure if it's just the stuff with my family this year, all the heart stuff I mean, or a coincidence, but I've been having lots of irritating physical anxiety symptoms related to the heart again lately. And I know that's likely all it is, just anxiety, but ugh. Freaks me out. I used to get it more, back in like 2001-2002, when I was having panic attacks all the time, and it's not like I haven't had anxiety stuff since then, but it's weird how it will manifest itself differently at different times. For a while, the anxiety will show itself by feeling lightheaded everywhere you go, or shaky, and then it'll be maybe the lump in the throat or a feeling of breathlessness, and then another time your heart will decide to start randomly beating like five hundred beats a minute, really strongly, even though you're just lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. And that's when it's most frustrating, when you don't even feel like you are necessarily that anxious about anything, but your body is telling you otherwise. Of course sometimes the symptoms could be caused by other things, but with me, it's bound to be at least somewhat related to stress and/or anxiety. Again, life is annoying.
And yeah, so I've been having palpitations a lot again, and chest pain. Back in 2001, I actually had my doctor look at my heart, doing an EKG or whatever it's called, because I was so convinced there was something wrong with it (I also had them do blood tests and stuff). And it wasn't all pointless, it did result in me finding out I was borderline anemic and had a cyst in my thyroid, but when it came to the other stuff that was concerning me at the time (like the rapid heart beat and dizziness, etc), it was just anxiety. I'm sure I'll still at least have a cursory checkup done in January when my insurance kicks in, just to be safe, but in the meantime I'm trying to remind myself it's most likely again just the stupid anxiety. It's so annoying though. Like when you're not even totally sure why it's happening. When I really think about it, I do think part of it is Mom having the heart attack, and then my Aunt having one last month, and then finding out one of my cousins has a heart problem too (who's the same age, just about). I think that freaked me out more than I consciously want to admit.
Possibly some of the chest pain could just be heartburn too, since God knows my stomach is an asshole. I honestly don't know.
Occasionally the anxiety is related to the Social Anxiety Disorder, too. I go back and forth with it still. In some ways, I do really well, but it irritates me that the anxiety is still there as much as it is. Like I'll sign my name in front of someone, and be able to do it without freaking out, but I still feel at least mildly self conscious and nervous. And that's annoying. But I guess it matters more that I'm not crazy with the panic, just self conscious. I suppose that's something. And I talk to people at work, and do things in front of them, but I still have little anxiety attacks every now and then, and they're manageable and I get over them, but it's still frustrating.
It's all right though. I'll take occasional chicken-shit moments and mildly annoying constant self consciousness over outright life-controlling panic. Like I'll walk down the street and still feel sometimes distracted by said self consciousness, and it makes me get ticked off with myself to a degree, but that's better than times I went through years ago when I couldn't get myself to walk into a mall.
It has lately been increasing a little in frequency and severity again, though. But that does seem to be how it goes with me, that I do well for a while, relapse for a while a little, and then depending on how I deal with it either struggle worse for a while or simply pull myself out of it and do better again. So I'm trying to just accept it, and let it be, and know it can pass, if I just handle it the way I have in the past. Hopefully, anyway.
When it comes to my Mom, and how she's doing, it's kind of unclear right now. Apparently, for God knows what reason, she has like a 30% kidney failure. As in, they're only functioning at seventy percent, or something. And as for why? No one knows. And they won't let her take lithium anymore, like I already told you guys, and there's not a lot else she can take. And that's very worrisome. At least the doctors have been recommending disability, which would probably be good for her. Not only because of the physical stuff, but because work is just too stressful for her. She can't deal with it anymore. She had disability through her jobs in the past, but never actual state disability, and that's what they'd be trying to give her now. Of course not working also poses problems of its own, because then there's the risk of her sitting at home alone all the time, getting lost in her head and having nothing outside herself to focus on, but like every job she's had over the last ten years has resulted at one point or another in her having to take time off because of her manic depression, or addiction issues (which is still tied to the manic depression anyway), or something. And as time has gone by, she's gotten worse when it comes to being able to concentrate and learn new things, and follow directions. It's not like she never has her head on straight, or that she's a constant basket-case, but she really can't hold down a job anymore.
I asked Joe recently how they were getting along, since he'd said he was going to try to make it work with her again after her heart attack, and he said he's still trying but most of the time lately she's still being really difficult to live with, which I can imagine. Because she gets really agitated and testy, and takes it out on others. And it's understandable, but hard to deal with.
Something interesting though, is that while I still sometimes get frustrated with her, I've recently (especially since the heart attack) found myself empathizing a lot more with her than I used to. The distance that exists between us has helped a lot. Not living together, I mean. And then, again, her almost dying made a pretty big impression too. I feel really bad for her, sometimes. I know she makes bad decisions when it comes to how to deal with her stuff, like when she decides taking a bottle of vicodin and a bottle of ritalin plus God knows what else would be a good idea. Not even because she's outright trying to kill herself, but because she does it to self-medicate. And it drives me crazy, when she does that. Because of how it takes her away from me, and she becomes another person, and it generally causes chaos in everyone's lives. But the thing is, I do understand it. Doesn't mean I don't still get mad at her for things ever, but I do feel like there's been a shift in how I feel about it, over the years.
Still, I don't know what she's going to do, when it comes to her mental stuff, with the new complication of her other physical problems. And I don't know if its gets worse, if Joe will stick around or if he'll be able to support her. Hell, I don't even know if my sister and I will be good for support, with that. Because sometimes I just don't know what to do or say to help her, or whether it's even possible. And I'm human, I get frustrated, and can't always take it.
But I guess it's something, that I'm at least starting to come to terms with it a little. That doesn't mean I've become okay with it entirely, and with all it entails, but I'm starting to accept that we can't always fix her or help. Or I'm trying to, at least. It's still really hard for me to accept though; I still have that little part of me that thinks we can just wish her well if we try hard enough, can force her to be well, and if she isn't then it's her fault, or ours, or something we did wrong or something we missed or who knows. It's that desire for control I've always had, in regards to her. And it may have become a subconscious thing over the years, because logically I know now as an adult that it doesn't make sense, but that doesn't mean it isn't still there. Because I do still feel like personally guilty if I can't make her feel better. And if at times I try to distance myself from it, either because I don't know how to help or feel I need to step away for the sake of my own emotional well being, then if I do that and something happens there's a part of me that feels responsible. And I know that responsibility has been laid on my sister and I by our family and her doctors over the years, so it makes sense, but it's given me major mixed signals. Because on one hand you get a message that says "accept her the way she is, you can't make her better," but at the same time, we were always the ones getting asked how she was doing, what medications she was taking, and there was just a lot of pressure I always felt from it.
Despite that, I have to a degree realized that I can't really control the situation, and actually that she can't completely either. And that she might still have more problems that are unforseen or worse, and I can't do squat about it. And neither can she always, either. And the fact that the thought of that is actually making me cry right now, kind of proves it's affecting me more in general probably than I'd like to admit. Like I already realized about the heart stuff, and the kidney stuff. And despite me being pretty calm about the whole thing, I do feel a little part of me down deep that wants to just throw stuff and freak out about it. Like why can't things just stay good for her? Why can't life just leave her alone? Why can't we have a happy ending?
But I think it helps at least to talk about it. And the best way to deal is to not internalize it and keep it to myself, and try to put it in perspective. Try to step back and remember those problems are not the sum total of my life. Even if the other stuff in my life is mundane, it's important to think of them too, and still go on trying to enjoy things. Not to obsess, in other words. It's also important to be grateful for the good things that have existed, and be able to see that no matter how many bad things she goes through, it doesn't negate those good things. I can try to see it differently. It's hard though, because I don't want to see her suffer, and I worry about her.
I do think it's really significant that I've felt myself trying to forgive her for things more, and actually succeeding sometimes. Like the years when she frequently made my life hell, before I moved out, and just all the stuff she put us through in general, growing up. I really hated her for a while, a few years ago. There was a time when I couldn't bear to even look at her, hardly. Because during those years in particular (before I moved out, I mean) she was often so mean to me all the time, and I didn't even know who she was anymore. She wasn't the same Mom I grew up with, then. And even beyond just that period, there was just so much other stress that her problems put on me, and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I felt like I would break under it, for a while. Honestly I still feel that way sometimes. But it was worse then. And I just wanted it to stop. And I was too invested in it and surrounded by it to have the capability of being okay with it.
But the thing is, trying to understand and forgive doesn't mean you're saying what happened was good, or okay. It doesn't mean you don't have the right to still get mad or upset if the same thing were to happen again, but you still have the choice to try to forgive it anyway. And that's kind of what I've been getting at. Like even if I would say I wouldn't do half the things that she did, and still hold her accountable for those things at least to a degree, I can still try to sympathize with how hard it must've been for her, trying to raise a family and live a normal life. And being older, it's easier for me to see in her actions how desparate she was, and how clueless she was when it came to how to deal with it. And it makes me feel bad for her, and want to just forgive her. But forgiving the past in our case also means forgiving what will happen in the future, at least in ways. Because while she may want to do better, that doesn't mean she can. And that's the thing with her, the worst part, that she gets to be okay for a while, and then for no apparent reason goes nuts again. And it hurts so much when that happens, especially when it involves her doing something you feel like she could control, like she'll stop taking medication, or take too much of some medication, and you'll feel angry at her for it. But you know, she just can't help it, I don't think. She just doesn't know how to handle her problems, maybe can't even. I don't know, maybe she can, but perhaps it's not for anyone else to judge. Or maybe it is, but it doesn't help to. And in the end, we really have no guarantees that if she's doing well now that she will continue to do so, no matter how much she or any of us want it.
And especially if she's not going to be taking lithium anymore, I think it's pretty important for me to get to that kind of point, where I forgive her for the things she does, and honestly just forgive her for not getting better, when it comes down to it. Because even if it's not fair, I do think there's a part of you that blames the person who's mentally ill, and resents them for it, even if you don't want to admit it. And sometimes you need to say that kind of stuff aloud, and face it. I really do think that's something I've needed to do, to forgive her for not getting better and staying better, and forgive life for it as well. Because I don't want to feel like I'm giving up on her, but there's a difference between simply giving up hope in and of itself, and actually forgiving her and yourself for it, and accepting it, and grieving it, and trying to move on. And taking what comes for what it is, and loving her anyway. I guess it means that I still try to be there for her, try to still help, but realize there's only so far you can push it, and that no matter how much you help, you are never going to make that person not mentally ill, or not sick, or whatever else it is. Not in a case like hers, anyway. All you can do is make the best of it.
I do think it's a work in progress, though. So don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll still flip out about her, if something crazy goes down. But again, I think it's something. I actually think it's something I'm going to try to apply to other areas of my life too. Because, in general, I do internalize other people's problems, and get upset when I feel like I can't make things better for people. Get all personally invested. And it's not even bad to care about others that way, but it is when you let other people's problems become your own, or put pressure on yourself and life to control things that maybe can't be controlled.
Anyway, aside from that stuff, and the anxiety and etc, there's been some nice things happening of late also. For some reason, it seems the negative stuff comes out more in my journal, a lot of the time. But I think that's just because it tends to be the place where I express those things, when otherwise I don't. So keep that in mind. But yes, on the more positive side, I've made progress with the whole building friendships and a social life thing. I went to a movie with a couple people from work one night last week, which I was invited into doing, and then myself asked another friend later on in the week to go to another movie and went together to that. And then afterward we ended up hanging out at her place, and getting massively drunkedy drunkfaced-drunk. Which was really fun actually (heh), but I regretted it later because I was sick as a fucking dog the next day. And actually the day after that, come to think of it. But I think I coincidentally got sick otherwise too, because even today I was sick to my stomach for like hours, for no freaking reason. Well, I was finishing my period though. But damn. All I know is that Friday made sense, hangover wise, but on Saturday I could still hardly eat a thing and felt super nauseated and achy all over, and then today woke up and (sorry for the tmi) had diarrheah for like two/three hours off and on. As in like every twenty minutes or so, getting up and having to go. Sucked. And so yes, I missed two days of work. Not good. But I seriously couldn't get out of bed yesterday until the evening, and then like I said was stuck in the bathroom most of this morning. Then went back to bed and passed out for the rest of the day, exhausted. And again, yesterday, couldn't even eat. So I think it started as a hangover, on Friday, and then beyond that I don't know. Maybe the period, maybe stress, maybe the flu. Not sure. But I do know I will try to plan on not drinking that much again in the future, whichever the case was.
Seriously though, that was a bit too much vodka. Heh. But it was fun to drop my reserves and get silly with someone, and it was really great to simply just go out with someone again at all, and have fun with someone new, period. To laugh and talk and have a good time. I mean, it has been way too long since I did that, other than with Jen and Kevin of course, or my sister. But the simple making a new friend and hanging out with them part hasn't happened in years I don't think. So it may make me a big loser to consider it a big deal, but for me it actually is. If only because it means me being less shy and putting myself out there.
I think a lot of the time my problem has been not taking the initiative with people, like talking about hanging out "sometime," and not actually getting into the specifics. Like bringing up a particular movie, or suggesting a particular day. I just never took it to the next level, because I was too shy. I actually almost felt scared to hang out with her that night too, especially after the movie when she suggested going back to her place, because I was worried we would have less to talk about outside of work or that it would be awkward, but it turned out to be fun, and worth it. Who knows, maybe I'll learn to get out of this rut I've been in the last few years, and start having a life again. Would be cool. I don't think it'll be an overnight thing, but at least there's a sign of progress, you know? It's of the good.
Okay, and now I really need to get to bed. I'm going to try to not worry about having missed work, and all that. I know aside from the attendance, I'm considered one of the best employees there (or so I'm told), and I've certainly come close to the end of the line with my points before and not been fired. But I hate feeling like my ass is so close to being over the fire, and feeling so unsure about it. Agh. But I'm not going to worry about it! (this is what I'm telling myself) Not. Going. To. Worry.
Well, I'll try not to anyway. Probably will, still.
Oh well. I still need to go to bed. So to bed I go. P.S. the movies I saw? "Borat" and "Stranger Than Fiction," both of which I liked and recommend seeing. Well, the first as long as you can handle intentionally offensive humor. If you're sensitive to that kind of stuff, then skip it.
