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Two steps forward, three steps back
Sep. 26th, 2002 03:16 amThis is like one of those "you know you're an X Phile when" moments. I'm using XF quotes for my LJ entries now. Sometimes I feel like that line, though. That all I'm doing in life, is taking two steps forward, just to take three steps back. Trying, trying, trying, just to get nowhere. And not even nowhere, but to keep slipping and ending up further behind with each moment.
Other days, when I'm feeling more optimistic, it'll change and feel like three steps forward, two steps back. Making progress, but having to take those two steps back over and over again. If that makes sense. The hardest part about it, though, is that I'm walking in the dark. I have no idea really if, in the end, all this trying will mean anything. I try to be optimistic, but I have a horrible pessimist inside of me. Although it seems much more like a realist, when I'm indulging it.
Anyway, all this rambling did have a point. I was thinking about what to say in this LJ, about how I'm doing. Honestly? I don't know. In some ways, I'm a lot better than I was, say, a year ago. But, also, my depression is like right under the surface. I'm always fighting it. Again, it's the same question: Am I taking three steps forward, two steps back? Or two steps forward, three steps back? Am I making progress? Will all of this mean nothing, when it all comes down to it?
Lately, I've been noticing some little signs of depression popping up, and I don't know whether it's something I should be worried about. I mean, when I say "signs of depression", I don't mean that the depression wasn't there before. Because it totally was. But I thought I was making progress for a while. Now, though, I'm noticing some of the symptoms I used to get, that used to tip me off. Like, warning signs. Feeling depressed suddenly for no reason, for instance. Not having the desire or energy to do simple things, like cleaning my room, or doing laundry. Wanting to do nothing, but lie in bed. Feeling empty inside. Sad, lonely, void of hope. Things like that, for no real reason. And that's the key part. No reason. I mean, there's reasons, my life isn't exactly great right now. But it's not like I got in a fight with my Mom, and am feeling depressed for the evening. And the thing is, generally, I feel all right. I don't think about killing myself every other day, like I used to. I'm not great, but I'm okay. But those signs scare me. They make me think about how I was, this time last year. My outlook was pretty similar, actually. I had problems, but I was trying to be optimistic. Saying to myself, "this year will be different." and stuff like that. And, man, look how last year turned out. I crashed and burned, yo. I mean, nervous breakdown style. So, trying to tell myself that I'm going somewhere in life right now? That "pessimist" inside me, is whispering in my ear "You know better than that, Rachael. Don't fool yourself. Your life isn't going to turn out to be anything. You're not good enough to do better than this."
And right now, all I'm doing is trying, trying, trying. Trying to make money. Trying to solve my problems. Trying to ignore all my thoughts, the voice inside me that tells me no one will ever love me, that I will be alone forever, that none of my efforts will mean anything in the end. Trying, trying, trying, when I don't even know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know how I will manage to do anything. I guess all I'm trying to say, is that it's hard to keep on trying, when you don't know where you're going, and you fear that all you're doing is going in circles. So, that's sort of how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I have moments of cheerfulness (usually when I'm talking to people online), but I'm also constantly trying to fight off the urge to collapse and give up. Sometimes I just feel so tired of it all. I feel like my whole life--my past, my future--is weighing on my shoulders. All the times when I thought I was going somewhere, but discovered I was farther behind than when I started. All the drama. Me, my stupid problems, my crazy family, my Mom, all of it. I think of these things, and I feel so alone. And I'm afraid to tell myself it'll all be okay in the end, because I don't really believe in fate, and I've been disappointed by life too many times in the past to say that to myself, with no doubts. So all I can do is just take it day by day. And hope that I'll look back on this someday, from a happier place.
Other days, when I'm feeling more optimistic, it'll change and feel like three steps forward, two steps back. Making progress, but having to take those two steps back over and over again. If that makes sense. The hardest part about it, though, is that I'm walking in the dark. I have no idea really if, in the end, all this trying will mean anything. I try to be optimistic, but I have a horrible pessimist inside of me. Although it seems much more like a realist, when I'm indulging it.
Anyway, all this rambling did have a point. I was thinking about what to say in this LJ, about how I'm doing. Honestly? I don't know. In some ways, I'm a lot better than I was, say, a year ago. But, also, my depression is like right under the surface. I'm always fighting it. Again, it's the same question: Am I taking three steps forward, two steps back? Or two steps forward, three steps back? Am I making progress? Will all of this mean nothing, when it all comes down to it?
Lately, I've been noticing some little signs of depression popping up, and I don't know whether it's something I should be worried about. I mean, when I say "signs of depression", I don't mean that the depression wasn't there before. Because it totally was. But I thought I was making progress for a while. Now, though, I'm noticing some of the symptoms I used to get, that used to tip me off. Like, warning signs. Feeling depressed suddenly for no reason, for instance. Not having the desire or energy to do simple things, like cleaning my room, or doing laundry. Wanting to do nothing, but lie in bed. Feeling empty inside. Sad, lonely, void of hope. Things like that, for no real reason. And that's the key part. No reason. I mean, there's reasons, my life isn't exactly great right now. But it's not like I got in a fight with my Mom, and am feeling depressed for the evening. And the thing is, generally, I feel all right. I don't think about killing myself every other day, like I used to. I'm not great, but I'm okay. But those signs scare me. They make me think about how I was, this time last year. My outlook was pretty similar, actually. I had problems, but I was trying to be optimistic. Saying to myself, "this year will be different." and stuff like that. And, man, look how last year turned out. I crashed and burned, yo. I mean, nervous breakdown style. So, trying to tell myself that I'm going somewhere in life right now? That "pessimist" inside me, is whispering in my ear "You know better than that, Rachael. Don't fool yourself. Your life isn't going to turn out to be anything. You're not good enough to do better than this."
And right now, all I'm doing is trying, trying, trying. Trying to make money. Trying to solve my problems. Trying to ignore all my thoughts, the voice inside me that tells me no one will ever love me, that I will be alone forever, that none of my efforts will mean anything in the end. Trying, trying, trying, when I don't even know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know how I will manage to do anything. I guess all I'm trying to say, is that it's hard to keep on trying, when you don't know where you're going, and you fear that all you're doing is going in circles. So, that's sort of how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I have moments of cheerfulness (usually when I'm talking to people online), but I'm also constantly trying to fight off the urge to collapse and give up. Sometimes I just feel so tired of it all. I feel like my whole life--my past, my future--is weighing on my shoulders. All the times when I thought I was going somewhere, but discovered I was farther behind than when I started. All the drama. Me, my stupid problems, my crazy family, my Mom, all of it. I think of these things, and I feel so alone. And I'm afraid to tell myself it'll all be okay in the end, because I don't really believe in fate, and I've been disappointed by life too many times in the past to say that to myself, with no doubts. So all I can do is just take it day by day. And hope that I'll look back on this someday, from a happier place.