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Moving on yet again
Dec. 31st, 2013 07:21 pmI haven't been doing much in honor of the new year. The only time I left my house today was to go to the store with my sister. It was ridiculously packed. I could've gone over to my sis' house after, but I just didn't feel like it. A combination of my period (which always makes my emotions dive headfirst into the ground), a headache, and depression kinda clinched it for me. As did the AMC marathon of The Walking Dead, which I've been meaning to check out anyway. I do feel a little sad over not having plans that involve other people, but then again I usually don't, and it's kind of an over-hyped holiday anyway. Watching TV & eating ice cream seems like a good enough way to spend it.
Random, but: people on facebook today keep sharing this new essay by David Sedaris about his sister, who committed suicide this year, and it kind of triggered me. Not just because of the topic overall, but because of how easily I could still see my life ending like hers, and because it didn't read to me like her death really had that big of an effect on the family. I talked to my sister about it, and she told me to remember that I'm not her, and that my family does care. Not sure where I'm going with this, but it's just something that's been on my mind today.
I usually try to put on my optimistic face for New Years, but I'm having a hard time with that this time. Some things did get better over the last year--it's true--and I should try to remember that (and not look back in a black-and-white manner, or through the skewed lens of my current depressive state), but so many things stayed damned difficult too. Maybe it's enough to just try to hope though. At least I'm alive, so the possibility of things getting better is still there. And at least I'm getting along with my sister & doing better in school, and hopefully my stomach problems will be getting resolved in the next couple months as well. Maybe I can even try botox & that'll help my chronic migraines. Maybe I *won't* lose my apartment (or, if I do, maybe it'll be short-lived & not as devastating as I expect). Maybe my grief will get easier. Maybe I'll finally effing get a significant other or make some new friends. Hell, maybe I'll simply acquire a new fandom, and that'll help me get through. Who knows. Mainly, I'm just trying to hope that there'll be more good things than bad when I look back this time next year. I know things can unexpectedly improve at any time, even if it's hard to believe they will.
So in the spirit of hoping that 2014 can actually not suck total ass, I'll plan my resolution: to stay alive -- and, if I feel like I can't, to get help again. I'll also try to keep doing well in school & take things one day at a time when life gets overwhelming. Anything beyond that, like taking walks again or losing weight, is probably too much to pile on right now (though if I can? Bonus).
Anyway, I'll be back by tomorrow night with my Year in Review post, and more thoughts on 2013 in general, but in the meantime I wanted to wish all of you a Happy New Years. I know LJ isn't as active as it once was[/understatement], but I hope we can all continue to stay in touch this year. I love all of you very much.
Random, but: people on facebook today keep sharing this new essay by David Sedaris about his sister, who committed suicide this year, and it kind of triggered me. Not just because of the topic overall, but because of how easily I could still see my life ending like hers, and because it didn't read to me like her death really had that big of an effect on the family. I talked to my sister about it, and she told me to remember that I'm not her, and that my family does care. Not sure where I'm going with this, but it's just something that's been on my mind today.
I usually try to put on my optimistic face for New Years, but I'm having a hard time with that this time. Some things did get better over the last year--it's true--and I should try to remember that (and not look back in a black-and-white manner, or through the skewed lens of my current depressive state), but so many things stayed damned difficult too. Maybe it's enough to just try to hope though. At least I'm alive, so the possibility of things getting better is still there. And at least I'm getting along with my sister & doing better in school, and hopefully my stomach problems will be getting resolved in the next couple months as well. Maybe I can even try botox & that'll help my chronic migraines. Maybe I *won't* lose my apartment (or, if I do, maybe it'll be short-lived & not as devastating as I expect). Maybe my grief will get easier. Maybe I'll finally effing get a significant other or make some new friends. Hell, maybe I'll simply acquire a new fandom, and that'll help me get through. Who knows. Mainly, I'm just trying to hope that there'll be more good things than bad when I look back this time next year. I know things can unexpectedly improve at any time, even if it's hard to believe they will.
So in the spirit of hoping that 2014 can actually not suck total ass, I'll plan my resolution: to stay alive -- and, if I feel like I can't, to get help again. I'll also try to keep doing well in school & take things one day at a time when life gets overwhelming. Anything beyond that, like taking walks again or losing weight, is probably too much to pile on right now (though if I can? Bonus).
Anyway, I'll be back by tomorrow night with my Year in Review post, and more thoughts on 2013 in general, but in the meantime I wanted to wish all of you a Happy New Years. I know LJ isn't as active as it once was[/understatement], but I hope we can all continue to stay in touch this year. I love all of you very much.
