rachg82

Re: food. I recognize a lot of myself in what you wrote about doing the wrong thing, knowing it, but somehow not being able to change it. I used to be thin, constantly fighting against the 'underweight' BMI verdict. I could eat whatever I wanted, and boy, did I ever. I was past 18 before I began developing female forms. Go figure what an awkward teen I made. Over the past few years I've slowly been gaining weight and only now it's beginning to dawn on me how much I actually did rely on that "I can eat whatever I want and still wear a size 0" given. I foolishly saw it as a part of my identity. Okay, so I frequently nearly burst out in tears of frustration in a fitting room because the smallest size trousers still were too large, but still, people were jealous of my size.

At the moment, I'm smack down in the middle of normal BMI weight and I just don't know what to do with myself. The smaller sizes don't fit anymore, at all. I'm still eating a lot per meal and have daily doses of chocolate (because man, I LOVE food, I really do), but I'm also eating less meals a day - I know this is wrong and will actually make me gain more weight, but somehow my brain doesn't manage to communicate this to the rest of my body. My efforts to change my eating pattern (several small meals a day, for instance) usually only last a week or so. In the mean time I'm going to the gym and I somehow have this weird hope that I'll kick my metabolism back into overdrive, even though I've already been going consistently for 1,5 years now without losing weight. It's odd. I am probably in the form of my life now, but I still seem to be unequipped to deal with this different body, while rationally, it's oh so easy.

Tl;dr - weight issues, I have them and it's not even clear to me why.