rachg82

First on the agenda today: why aren't there more happy break-up songs o' happiness like this in the world? Haha. I mean, really.[/evil]

(and you guys know I also loves me some Let It Go from Hi-Tek. That's my jaaaaaaam right there.)

Of course there's also always the stand-up route if you're in the mood for that sort of thing: Bridget McManus will love you 'til the lease runs out.

Smoothly changing subjects, I finally made it out with my friend today. (Whaaaa? Me being social? Yes, and then pigs flew. It was a ~whole big thing~.) We decided to go to a nearby mall instead, picked up some fruit smoothies, watched her baby in the play area, walked around, and went shopping. I bought a new pair of jeans (which I'll of course need to have hemmed because I'm an oompa loompa) and two new tops. Since I'm a dork, I took pictures of the outfits (like Cher in Clueless! Ha), which I'll post behind a cut. Also, I talked with my friend a little about weight stuff today & that'll go behind the cut as well.

First shirt with new jeans:

Second shirt with new jeans:

See, that roll on my stomach was seriously bugging me so much (WHY WON'T YOU JUST BE EITHER A FLAT OR PERFECTLY CURVED LINE FROM START TO FINISH. DON'T RANDOMLY BULGE), but it bothers me less somehow if I draw attention to it on my own. Like, if I make fun of it, it takes away its power a little. Hello, I'm a crazy person.

And since some of you don't know me well yet, I took a couple of my actual face:

WESTSIIIIIIDE. Hee.

All right, all right, I took a couple normal ones too:

As far as the weight stuff goes, that came up accidentally. I was trying to decide what size jeans to go with--the ones I had on were comfortable, but made of a stretch fabric, so I knew they'd likely loosen up & be saggy--and I mentioned without thinking anything of it that I also planned on losing a few more pounds, so it seemed more reasonable to go with the smaller size (for the record, I did, but not just because of the "I might lose more weight" thing--the sales lady told me these pants stretch out roughly half a size with wear anyway). My friend reacted to that with a "WHAT?" (i.e. loudly), and brought it up again as we were leaving the store.

It's true that right now, I'm most focused on getting below 119 (I'm at like 122, so it's SUPER IRRATIONAL, I know. But I also obviously don't know, because I can't seem to stop caring), but on top of that there's clearly a mental disconnect going on and I didn't even realize how much so until today. I still feel a lot heavier than I apparently am. The jeans I bought are a size 4. The shirts I bought are a small. My friend said I looked "amazing." All I could think was, "you're 'amazing'ly full of crap, but thank you." I mean, a year and four months ago, I was wearing a 12/14 (that summer it was a 14/16). I should feel the difference more. And I do, a little, but not really. I still feel chubby. I look at people who are bigger than me & don't think they should lose weight, but I think I should. It doesn't even make sense. It's like, no, but it looks right/good on them. I look wrong.

I don't even know. Whatever.

It was good to talk about it though, especially because she had a history with eating disorder stuff in her past. And it reminded me that when I started walking & eating differently & trying to lose weight, it wasn't even ABOUT getting down to a specific number. It was about getting to a point where I could run for the bus without being winded, y'know? Seriously. It was about trying to help my acid reflux--which, come to think of it, IT DID GET BETTER OVER THE LAST YEAR. Hmm, whaddya know. It was about being more physically active & reducing stress levels, eating more vegetables, crap like that. Somewhere along the line, that changed. Now I can't even be fully proud of how far I've come because I started taking such bad care of myself. It's like I have to separate what weight loss came in the proper way & what didn't. If I hadn't become One Meal Per Day Girl, I could be celebrating the size 4 pants today. As it stands, I don't feel like I can, not to mention my self esteem's become so screwy that I don't even FEEL like it's something to celebrate. There's that little part of me going, "Psst. You've been smaller. BIG DEAL." See? I've got to CUT THIS SHIT OUT.

So, anyway, I guess my point is that it was good to talk about it with someone. It did give me a little perspective again. I'd like to get a better handle on this stuff.

Anyway, Bones is on now, so I'm gonna skidaddle. I shall return posthaste with my thoughts on the ep!

(Well, maybe not "posthaste," but--you know--soonish.)

In the meantime, enjoy this Vid of the Day by