rachg82: (Cam Bones holding hands)
[personal profile] rachg82
It is taking so much willpower not to read any of the sides for the end of this season. Want want waaaaaant. I know it'll be better if I stay away though, so that's what I'm doing. I still reserve the right to watch promo clips/read articles if I want, however. Those aren't as big a deal.

Meanwhile I'm sure no one even cares which spoilers I'm reading, but I'm going through one of those phases where my mind feels utterly stifled, & figuring out what to write & how to word it is like walking in cognitive slow-motion. The whole sit-and-stare action, y'know? I'm somehow both incredibly restless/uncomfortable (like, itchy, & my clothes/hair are bugging me, & ugh there's something in my eye, & my glasses are smudged right there, & sitting in this position is making my knee hurt, & my limbs are tired like dead weights, but I'm booooored and aimlessly nervous, but I don't want to do anything--not even move--and everything I write is wrong, and I feel blank, & UGH), yet numb & distant on the other hand, like I can't *wake up* & connect to what's around me. The default state got switched to silent & immobile, if that makes any sense (it's vague, I know). It's hard to explain.

I mean, like, for all of yesterday & today? I've wanted to update my lj, but every time I try--even now--I feel like deleting the entry, throwing my hands up in the air all "fuck it!", and then going back to bed to lie down & stare at the corner of my comforter for an hour. I'm sure some of it is my body adjusting to going off the topamax--I've been having similar side effects to what I experienced when first starting it, like paresthesia, etc--but it's also just how I get sometimes when depressed/stressed out/not eating enough. So, who knows.

Anyway, my point (at last) is I'm trying to just force myself to write. It doesn't have to be "right"--what does that even mean, anyway? God, I'm so mental--and it's okay if it's crappy. That being said, let me try to ramble at you all now for a minute:

1. I was looking for this fic the other day (I couldn't remember the author or title--only bits of the plot), and I told [livejournal.com profile] amilyn I'd rec it here once I found it, so voila: Delicate by ygrawn. Read it. It's good.

2. I did some hasty (i.e. nothing uber serious/meaningful, just freestyle whatever shit) artwork last night. It was done in an attempt to snap out of my ~vibrating frozen statue with oversensitive nerve endings from pent-up Anxiety Land~ mood, which obviously didn't totally work, but eh. At least it's expressing myself & being active, right? It's a good impulse to follow.

As an explanation for WTF you're looking at, this came about while listening to Yann Tiersen, particularly the stuff from Amelie. It's basically a rough visual representation of what the music triggers in my mind's eye. Goodtimes with synesthesia, woot woot.



For those who like knowing these types of things, this was done with white & black charcoal as well as pastels (both oil & soft).

As a bonus, this is what started it:




3. While I'm discussing music, I am currently in love with this remix. Also, I'd love it if someone were to make either a Faith/Buffy shipper vid (from Faith's POV, preferably) OR an "Emily Deschanel/Brennan is hot" vid to this song. That version, specifically.

4. The BSG rewatch continues. I'm up to "Valley of Darkness" & falling in love with the show all over again.

-Boomer & Tigh. They've of course always been interesting to me, and I'm still into all my other faves like normal, but you know how sometimes certain characters rotate to the forefront during a rewatch? Right.

-I've said this before, but it never gets old: the importance of colors & shades. Red in particular, obviously, but also white & black. Especially because they don't address it--it's just a subtle thing that's there for you to notice.

-The Baltar/Head Six scenes' parallels to Sufi love poetry, not to mention Tantra if you think about it. The fact that Bear McCreary chose the Gayatri Mantra for the title track says a lot, too. Also: "God is love."

-Baltar's speech to Boomer: "Life can be a curse as well as a blessing. You will believe me when I tell you--there are far worse things than death in this world." Ahh.

-Six in the Opera House + the show's first time making it clear how significant music is to the plot. "Life has a melody, Gaius. A rhythm of notes that become your existence once played in harmony with God's plan." It reminds me of the last poem I included here, from when I was 16.

An excerpt for funsies:

Floating through the days
every moment has a note.
An ongoing orcheastra
being composed by an
unknown source.
And we are its instruments.


It's like I was ~meant~ to watch BSG or something. Heh.[/kidding]

-"They lie about everything, Helo. Their entire existence is a lie." Plus Kara's scream/crying? Love it. And I think you guys already know how much I enjoy this whole scene with her & Helo in her apartment. "I'm fighting 'cause I don't know how to do anything else." Philip Glaaaaaaaass.

-"Just listenin' to the birds…yep, we're goin' home." IT STILL KILLS ME.

-This scene. Effing-A, they are so cute.

-Roslin's HBIC-itude when the cylons board the ship. "OPEN THE DOOR!" Heh.

-Adama drowning the baby. I love dream scenes.

-Tigh & Adama's bromance.

-Kara. Just in general.

-Lee, back when he was BFFs with Roslin & yearning for his dad's approval & staring at Starbuck in her pretty dress & looking cute with his earnest little emo face. Aw.

-Many other things. I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff, but whatevs. This is just a list of the stuff that popped out *this time*--it doesn't need to be all-inclusive.


5. Community this week was amazing. I mean, seriously, SO FANTASTIC. Enough to where I actually teared up at one point (happy tears), because I was so moved.

I even took notes. That's how you know I'm srs bsns up in here:

-I liked that they brought attention to the Xmas ep. Also: "we all love Abed." Aw.

I kind of feel like everything Jeff said in this ep + the entire point of his conversation with Abed (and how Abed was feeling) was largely the writers trying to convey a message to a specific section of their audience (it was very meta after all)--which, fwiw, I consider myself to be a part of, because I related to all of it SO much. It was like a big hug through the TV screen.

-Ants being the only truly honest/"real" communicators. Hahaha.

-EverythingeverythingEVERYTHING he said to Abed about "real" conversations + the whole ~sick world full of sick, sick people~ thing & how everyone lies, etc. Abed may have been playing a role, but I'm telling you all right now--he meant what he said. The fears/doubts that he's "empty" below the surface, that his conversations full of quotes & pop culture references make him a "robot", that he needs to tone down his interests & be more normal, comparing himself to Data & Spock & so on, all of it. The fact that the role he chose was that of a "weird friend"? RIGHT THERE. It says everything.

I've had those exact same insecurities--very recently, in fact. But I got what they were saying; I got the message. It may have been an homage on the surface, but here's the thing: it served a function. It's not just about Abed loving a movie. TV, movies, music, art--anything like that--it's all a form of communication. It's a culture's way of commenting/expressing its feelings & thoughts about self, others, the world, life. The fact is, playing out an act about *wanting* a real conversation is actually what allowed them to have a real conversation. Jeff told him things he hadn't told anyone else, & it let Abed express himself + address his concerns that Jeff was avoiding him. It may have started due to him feeling insecure about doing that exact type of thing, which I'm sure probably confused some people (like, "wait, if you're insecure about being weird, why are you doing something incredibly weird right now?" Heh), but the result was the show proving that it doesn't matter how you communicate, not in the sense of one style being "real" & another not anyway. YOU'RE STILL COMMUNICATING. It just made me feel so good. There's no rule book that says you have to be a certain way, and like Jeff said, EVERYONE is fucked. Ha. So, really, who cares if you're weird? SO ARE THEY.

It was basically like the show saying, "You're okay. We like you just as you are. Different works too." Know what I mean?

-And, lastly, this:

Abed: "It wasn't about making me happy. I chose My Dinner with Andre because it's about a guy who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening with a weird friend he's been avoiding."
Jeff: "You think I've been avoiding you?"
Abed: "You and I hung out more last year. It makes sense. Everyone else is growing & changing all the time, and that's not really my jam. I'm more of a fast-blinking, stoic, removed, uncomfortably self-aware type."

ABED, I LOVE YOU. Hahaha. That description of himself made me laugh so hard. I SO UNDERSTAND.

Also:

"I don't need you to grow or change. And take it from someone who just had a meaningless one, sometimes emotional breakthroughs are overrated."

In conclusion: THIS SHOW, Y'ALL. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I really want to rent the DVDs for the seasons I missed, now.

P.S. For those who haven't seen the ep yet, I'm here for you:




My Vid of the Day is from TheLovelyBones1 and is a short example of the type of Brennan vid I mentioned wanting above. There aren't nearly enough of these out there. *stares at teh sexy*

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