(no subject)

[rachg82]

You are a pheonix.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox


Cool.



You know, I forgot to mention earlier, but today, the anxiety tried to pop in and say hello again. Perhaps it's because we haven't had to use phones downstairs for a while, and now we have the new kinds, so I have to get used to it all over again? Heh, I just realized, I must sound so weird to those of you who haven't had social anxiety or other weird phobia stuff of your own to relate to. But oh well. Little things kept coming up, forcing me to do things with my hands under direct observation. Like, things that normal people wouldn't think twice over, but put me on edge. Holding a tag in front of someone, holding the little plastic cup under the ketchup thing at Mc Donalds while others wait, or picking up a phone from another MCA, while he stands there, watching (to see if the customer was still on the line). Little things like that. Haven't had lunch at work for a while, either, and when I went out, I was like "Maybe I shouldn't get fries. Eating them, it would be more noticeable, if my hands were trembling." Yes, I do obsess over things as small as that. I know. But, I bought them anyway. I think I remember it saying in my treatment that, after a while of doing exposures and saying your Rational Response to yourself (after you dispute all your thoughts, and blah blah blah, you develop one line, or a quick thing you can say to yourself in the exposure, that should sum up all the disputing thoughts and calm yourself down), you should be able to say that line and have it automatically help ease anxiety. Like, without going through all the rest of it, analyzing each thought, and disputing them, etc. Anyway, I've been realizing lately that it's true, most of the time. Sometimes, I still have to go through and argue each thought, or dig deep and figure out what the Hell I'm tripping over to begin with, but a lot of the time now, I can just look at my hand and be like "Stop fighting it" or "It's okay to shake a bit" and the hand will actually stop trembling. Ironic, eh? The more you fight it, the worse it gets. Once you finally accept it, it goes away. Or stops being a huge problem, anyway.

Not to get too tmi, but I started thinking about this more a second ago, in the bathroom. Heh, okay, so it's a little tmi. Sorry. But, I had a lot of problems going to the bathroom during that time of the month, for a long time. (for a while, it started happenning other times during the month, too) I still do, but it seems to have gotten better. And I started thinking about it, and realized that all my period probs sort of hit a peak during the phase when my social anxiety was increasing, and then peaking as well. It shouldn't surprise me, since I can list off a bunch of other stuff that bothered me for the longest time that I rarely even notice now. Like, dude, the palpitations and racing heart beat? God. It was so bad, for a while. It's amazing how much anxiety affects your body. Really.

Too bad my headaches haven't improved, though. In fact, they've been getting worse, the last few months. I don't know what to do about that. I mean, nine Excedrin to get through the day isn't exactly great. I feel kind of hopeless almost about it, right now. I could see another neurologist, but what good would that do? I've seen quite a few. As well as nose and throat doctors. I know I have a deviated septum, and my old doctor was going to do surgery on it, but then I decided to stall it, because I wasn't sure anymore, and even the doctor himself said there's no guarantee it would help my migraines. It would possibly help me breathe better, when I wasn't having allergy problems, but still. Surgery. Scary. My Dad said it helped him some, but not so much in the long run. Sigh. I just wish I could find some way to make them just a little better. You know? Not asking for a miracle, here. How about only having a migraine a few times a week? Good God, that would be nice. Shit, I'd settle for ONE DAY a week without a migraine. Do you guys know I haven't had a day without one for a good two years? And, before that, it had been like two years as well? Before that, well, several times a week, and sometimes I'd get them practically every day, but it wasn't like how it is now. The way it is now, if I had a day where I didn't have a headache, I'd be wondering if I'd visited Lourdes the night before and somehow forgotten. Stupid head.

The worst? I worry they're getting worse because of the fucking pain killers. Like, rebound headaches. I don't doubt it. So, what the fuck do I do, in that case? They're all "slowly ease off the pain killers." (they say that, in magazines and shit, where they pretend to sum up migraines, like they've cured them or something) Oh, right! Because it's not like I didn't have them constantly as a kid too, before they were every day! So, even if the daily ones are rebound, I've always had them chronically, just like to begin with. So, taking the pain killers every few days or whatever, for those, would probably just cause the rebound ones all over again. And, give me a break, because neurologists have never tried to ease me off shit. They're all "We need to find a way to manage your pain." If anything, they were ready to move me up to prescription pain killers, and I resisted. Probably because they know there's no fucking other way to help me. Like, there's no way out. If I try to go off pain killers, to see if the headaches improve, then I'll have to suffer the headaches I'd be having regardless, which I can't do. I have things to do, you know? I have to work, and I can't be doing that with migraines. But then, I keep on taking stuff, so I can live my damned life, and the fucking pain killers make the migraines worse in the end? Argh! And I like how my right temple is all thud thud pulse pulse thud thud, as I'm writing this. Fitting.

Okay, there has to be SOME way to improve them, someday, right? I mean, God knows the prescription industry is a booming business and migraines are that new buzzword, so you know they must be trying to find new drugs to help them. And since Imitrex can suck my cock, I guess I'll just keep on hoping they find something for me. Or I find some magical naturopath or something, or start eating salads and doing yoga or acupuncture and bam! Headaches gone. Heh, right. Well, you never know. I have to stay hopeful, or else, well, let's not even go there. It would be easier, though, for me to be hopeful, if I hadn't had them my whole life. But, like I said, maybe they'll come out with some miracle drug. Again, you never know. They told me my psoriasis would probably never go away, and I still have a hint of it on my thumbs and feet, but please. For several years, like in High School? Holy shit, it was bad. I mean, mild to moderate, compared to how bad some people out there get it. I've seen pictures that are so horrible. I don't know how those people can even bear it. But, I do know that I could barely button my own jeans, and had to wear gloves, just to wash my own hair, because it stung so bad when shampoo got in the cuts. I'd avoid raising my hand in class, and shit like that, because I was so embarassed. The skin would be beet red in some places, pink in others, then yellow/greenish where blisters had developed and were starting to heal. And then of course the actual cuts. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly in the running for a career in hand modeling. But, after a few years, and some treatment at OHSU, away it went. From my palms, anyway. And it hasn't been back since. So, there you go. Yo, head? You might want to learn something from our friend, the hands? Stupid head.