(no subject)

[rachg82]

I'm still feeling really sad about Tabbers; I had a good, long cry over it last night. Or I suppose I should say this morning, since I stayed up until like seven. I feel like it's my fault, if she's dead. It shouldn't have mattered that we didn't have money, we should've figured out a way to get her the medication sooner, and stuck with it. I thought she was okay, though. I was stupid. I feel so bad about it.

I'm still hoping she'll come home, but Mom's totally given up hope now, basically. It's been four days. She did this sort of thing when Mickey was here, but she never used to, otherwise. It's not normal for her. I kept worrying over her lately too, because she's old, you know? Everytime I'd see her sleeping, I'd double check to make sure I could see her belly rising and falling, and that she was breathing. I don't know, it would be hard enough having her die now of old age (like, the thought that she's never coming back is so upsetting. I don't think people who haven't grown up with the same, one pet, could understand. Knowing that pet is there, every day, as a reliable source of happiness. Having their unconditional love, the way they purr--or wag their tail, in a dog's case--when they're happy, all of it. Just seeing the Christmas tree, and thinking that I won't be seeing her lie under it this year, won't be seeing her act like a kitten and start playing with the wrapping paper and bows on Christmas Eve, it's just too much.), but it's so much worse, because I feel like I could have prevented it, if she died because of her thyroid. God, I just feel horrible about it. Mom's already talking about wanting a new cat, but I don't want a new cat. Not now, anyway. Christ, we don't even know for sure that she won't come home yet. She's all "You two (Corinne and I) are in denial. She's not coming home." and it's like, let me have my denial then, would you? Damn, wait a couple months and give me time. Back off.



Because I'm insane, I constantly go through cycles of feeling extremely insecure about people, thinking no one likes me as much as I like them, and feeling very lonely. dosidella sent me a nice email today though, which helped. And my period is nearing its end, so that helps a lot as well. Monthly Nervous Breakdown is almost over, folks. Heh. Thank God.

Speaking of the joys of menstruation, I was discussing it with willothewisps the other night, but didn't save the conversation. Damn. It was funny, too. It involved mobs of bleeding women, wielding torches and pitchforks, breaking beer bottles over mens' heads, and swinging on vines. Hee. Oh, and storming into Ben and Jerry's stores, and having the employees just throw us the keys and running out. All "Don't hurt me!" Heh! That would rule.

I did, however, save my convo with tink today, and since there's information in it I was going to write down in my LJ anyway (about my sister), I figure why not share? Plus, it shows the benefits of cyber synching. You can bond in your Period!Horniness and food craving-ness. I love how every conversation I have with tink turns into a Cute!War, too. Hee.

rachmarieg: i have to make a christmas list for everyone. i still haven't given people ideas. heh
o TinkerI3ell o: heh, for the secret santa?
rachmarieg: no, i mean for my family
o TinkerI3ell o: ohhh. tell them you want me to move in for xmas!
rachmarieg: i do!
o TinkerI3ell o: Yay! It will be like a sitcom with the wacky neighbor, except I never leave because I live there
rachmarieg: and jimmy fallon to jump out of a giant cake!
rachmarieg: hee!
o TinkerI3ell o: mm jimmy cake
rachmarieg: mmm indeed
o TinkerI3ell o: I want cake now.
rachmarieg: damn't, now i do too
rachmarieg: and brownies
o TinkerI3ell o: and jimmy
rachmarieg: hee, synched!horny!women like a mofo!
o TinkerI3ell o: YES!
rachmarieg: i was molesting this guy at my work in my dream, last night. not even the guy i have a crush on, either! i'm not even attracted to him like that! so horny! hee
o TinkerI3ell o: heh! you molested him!
rachmarieg: "here's some candy, now get in the van"
o TinkerI3ell o: I would get in the van if it was reeses cups
rachmarieg: ohhhhhhh, reeses cups. . .*drools*
rachmarieg: waaaaaant
o TinkerI3ell o: I want chinese food
rachmarieg: are you trying to kill me, woman? heh. my mom's on a diet, so everyone in the house suffers
o TinkerI3ell o: ohh I love that. My mom does that too
rachmarieg: you can't even have good food around her, or she'll be all "i can't have that in the house! thanks a lot!"
o TinkerI3ell o: it sucks. i mean I usually dont eat what theyre having anyway, but we cant even order takeout when shes trying to not eat bad stuff
rachmarieg: i can, i suppose, but she'll act all whiney about it
o TinkerI3ell o: yeah. poop head!
rachmarieg: heh. damn, now i'm hungry
o TinkerI3ell o: im in one of those moods where I want to eat but am too lazy to make anything
rachmarieg: yeah, same here
rachmarieg: i feel lazy and crappy
o TinkerI3ell o: me too. *sigh*
rachmarieg: it'll be over soon!
o TinkerI3ell o: yay! goodbye, back pain
rachmarieg: man, having periods sucks so much ass. guys have no idea how lucky they are
o TinkerI3ell o: I think that once a month guys should be taken into a room for 7 days and get kicked in the balls every hour or so
rachmarieg: hee! me too!
rachmarieg: whee, mob of pitchfork-wielding women!
o TinkerI3ell o: ANdf ir!
o TinkerI3ell o: fire
rachmarieg: hee. i totally hear beavis all "fire! fire!" when you write that
o TinkerI3ell o: hehe fire fire
rachmarieg: i used to watch that show all the time. i am cornholio! i need tp for my bunghole!
o TinkerI3ell o: I loved that movie
o TinkerI3ell o: fly high lesbian seagull
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: you know what would be a kick-ass christmas gift? a yearly supply of daily tollhouse chocolate chip cookies, and milkshakes with the flavors of your choice. food! mmm
o TinkerI3ell o: mmmm
rachmarieg: i want cookies and milkshakes!
rachmarieg: *stomps foot*
rachmarieg: hee
o TinkerI3ell o: hehe. no tantrums!
rachmarieg: i should put that on my list, just to throw people off
rachmarieg: they're all "wha? cookies???"
o TinkerI3ell o: do it!
rachmarieg: i'm totally going to
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: i totally did it. hee. all serious
rachmarieg: we'll see if mom's paying attention
o TinkerI3ell o: maybe you will get cookies!
rachmarieg: hee, i put a pony on there too

. . .

rachmarieg: she had an ultrasound today, and i guess she might be somewhere around seven weeks. they heard a heartbeat and everything!
o TinkerI3ell o: wow. your going to be an auntie!
rachmarieg: i know!
rachmarieg: crazy!
o TinkerI3ell o: Aunty Rach! hehe
rachmarieg: totally. oh my god, weird. i'm going to be someone's aunt. like, that person is all thinking of me as their aunt. i'm not an aunt! weird! hee
o TinkerI3ell o: hee
rachmarieg: what's really crazy is they thought it might be twins, because her hormones or something are higher than they should be, considering how far along she looks. but they only saw one heartbeat. so who knows. but sometimes you don't see that there's a twin for a while. twins don't run in our family, though!
rachmarieg: maybe it's just going to be a super baby
rachmarieg: hee
o TinkerI3ell o: yeah! with powers
rachmarieg: two babies for the price of one!
o TinkerI3ell o: two weapons of cuteness
rachmarieg: i could take over small nations!
o TinkerI3ell o: yes!
rachmarieg: take THIS, saddam!
o TinkerI3ell o: you could use them to get anything! like free cookies
rachmarieg: mmmmfreecookies
rachmarieg: i'm liking this aunt business already
o TinkerI3ell o: hehe
rachmarieg: i can hook her up with the discounts on baby stuff, too, at work. and i can shop with her! whee, i love baby clothes!
o TinkerI3ell o: tiny shoes!
rachmarieg: wittle socks!
o TinkerI3ell o: wittle hats
rachmarieg: soft, wittle onesie pjs!
o TinkerI3ell o: aww. wittle rattles
rachmarieg: wittle overalls with pooh bear on them!
rachmarieg: i like how this is turning into a cute!war
rachmarieg: hee
o TinkerI3ell o: hehe I noticed it was getting competitive
o TinkerI3ell o: Tiny little fleece jammies with feetsies
rachmarieg: *makes pained face* ouch! okay, tiny winter jackets
o TinkerI3ell o: little mittens that attach to the tiny jackets
rachmarieg: tiny lamb stuffed animals to go in the cradle
o TinkerI3ell o: wallpaper thats powder blue with baby ducks on it!
rachmarieg: rain jacket, hat, and boots for a toddler!
o TinkerI3ell o: summer dresses and an easter hat on a toddler!
rachmarieg: with the wittle mary jane shoes!
o TinkerI3ell o: saddle shoes!
rachmarieg: a sleepy one year old in footie pajamas, holding a teddy bear and a blankie
o TinkerI3ell o: sucking his thumb!
rachmarieg: asking for his ba-ba!
rachmarieg: (bottle)
o TinkerI3ell o: pointing at a dog and going "woof woof?"
rachmarieg: reaching his arms up and asking "hug, mama?"
o TinkerI3ell o: you suck
rachmarieg: haha! *does touchdown dance*
o TinkerI3ell o: I'll get you next time, Claw