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rachg82God, LJ is driving me batty today. Is everyone else experiencing the same thing? I keep getting error messages and shit. Argh!
I can't believe I'm still behind on my friends pages. You guys are some chatty sons a-bitches, you know that? Hee. (says the chattiest ho of them all) But, yeah, if you guys are getting comments from me on entries that are like three days old, that's why. Heh.
Agh, and I'm behind on emails, too. And reading for class! I have to do quite a bit of it, the next couple of days. Suckage. I'll have to break it up into intervals, because sitting down to read so much at once is just asking for my attention span to get up and be like "Uh, I don't know what you think you're doing, bitch, but I'm outta here." Heh. And I have a pretty good attention span, too, I think. But even I have my limits. Especially when distracting things are all around me.
I actually read my best, when riding the bus. Last year, I did lots of my reading on the 78. Sometimes it makes me a little car-sick, but since all there is to do for over an hour is sit, it forces me to be productive. Unless, of course, I'm all "Whatever, productivity. Who needs it?" and feel like spacing out for an hour, or daydreaming (as I'm wont to do).
As for why my mood says "creative", I just did a couple virtual makeovers for the loverly![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sonneta (well, I did them last night, but I started this entry last night, so there you go. My mood was "creative" then, but is contemplative now. Heh, I love how my entries end up taking me FOR-EV-ER to finish, sometimes). I sent them to you, sonneta, did you receive them? I got a kick out of doing it. See, she asked in her journal this last week what our opinions were concerning her hair color and such, and I remembered that there was this site where you could upload photos and make them over. It's good times. Check it out! Turns out Ms. Thang looks good as both a burnt-out blonde, and a sepia-toned brunette. But, the key thing is that both colors were on hair that was shorter than the photo I copied from the yahoo site (Which you can see here), as well as straight, and kind of fringy (emphasis on the straight, since everyone knows my love for the straightening iron knows no bounds. It works wonders, I tell you! WONDERS! Heh). Of course such a style would be more time-consuming, since her hair is so curly. But no pain, no gain, right? And of course I put makeup on her there, too. The results were fab, overall.
Heh, I feel like Cher in Clueless. I'm all "Ooh, project!" I love makeovers, dude. Y'all should've seen me when my stepmom said I could go shopping with her, this one time, and help her find clothes. Heh. I wasn't successful, though, in getting her to buy bootcut jeans. Someday, man. I have seen the promised-land, my friends, and there's not a tapered leg in sight. Hee.
Oh, speaking of people I want to makeover, can I just bring up--once AGAIN--the issue of girls and hiphugger pants? Now, I toe a moral line between mentally slapping myself when I make judgments about other people's appearances, on one side, and giving in to the evilness on the other. Just so you guys know. Heh. Like, in general, I don't like to be a catty person. That's not who I want to be. But, dude, I ignore a lot. And forgive a lot (hee, like I'm forgiving their sins. "Okay, I'll let it go this time, but don't let me catch you in that again, or it's eternal damnation for you, missy."). But when girl after girl walks by me at work in their low-rise hip-hugging jeans, which are practically falling past their ass-crack, with no figure or hips to even flatter the damn things, and fat rolls sticking out above them, what's a girl supposed to do? I'm not made of stone, people!
The rest of my day was okay. Very busy, and my feet hurt like a bitch. Stupid insoles! Damn, I need to buy some other ones. I wish I understood why suddenly this was a problem, when it wasn't before. Man, screw this shit, if I can't find new ones that work before I'm scheduled again, I'm just taking them out. My shoes are too big, without them, but I'd rather wear some blister pads, and risk the friction. After all, they're boots, so they won't slip off. They're just not as comfortable without insoles, and I tend to get blisters. But anything would be better than constantly walking on the edge of a bunched-up evil insole. Heh, like Mom said to me the other day, "Oh, the trials and tribulations of Rachael's feet." So true.
Because we can't use folding tables anymore, or Z-racks (except for one by petites), we all have to walk more, and carry more at a time. If I think about it for more than a second, I'm filled with the RAGE! That fucking woman (the store manager) needs to come work as an MCA, sometime. Like a Saturday, or Sunday, during a sale. We'll hand her the phone, and she can work alongside us, doing freight and fitting rooms, and all the rest of it. Then maybe she'd have a better understanding of how fucking STUPID her rules are.
Mmm, sweet, sweet rage. Just like Mom used to make. Heh.
Of course I got stuck with more of the fitting rooms than others, because for some reason I always seem to. At the end of the night, I'm often the one left to finish the put-backs (hence why it bugged me, the other night, when Honey bitched about putting out one shirt, after I'd been working my ass off without her help). One other MCA helped me some, though. It was okay, but my back and feet were yelling at me by then, and I have a bruise on my hand from the hangers digging into it. I used to have it constantly, back before I started using the folding tables. Great, now me and my old friend can get reacquainted again. Thanks, Boogie Woman.
I was actually in a pretty decent mood, though. The day wasn't fantastic, but it was better than Saturday. I worked alongside Frowney, who did tell us what to do, but wasn't as bossy as she has been in the past. Like, she just suggested what we could all do, and then asked "Is that okay?" I'm not sure if a manager talked to her, but I saw it as an improvement, and appreciated it. Because I definitely don't mind someone taking initiative and delegating tasks, since it goes along with the territory. We have to work together, especially since the managers often aren't much help. But it's not cool if your fellow (and equal) coworker thinks they're your boss, and just gives orders, without asking what you think. So, a simple "Is that okay?" makes a big difference in how such a thing is taken.
My lovah was there, I know, because I heard someone page him. But I never actually saw him, or got to talk to him. And the page was late in the day, so I got all excited for a second, thinking it meant he was closing. But he must've gotten off at five or six (when we close; we usually stay till seven or so), or something. What is up with fate just hatin' on me? Heh. Come on, life, we don't need no hateration in this dancery.
Like I said, though, I was relatively cheerful yesterday. I didn't really think I was talking all that much more than normal (it just depends on who's around me, and what's going on, when it comes to whether I talk much to people at work), but according to one guy I was. There's this one guy who works for stock, and I've had a few interactions with him, but not that many. He was on the bus, I remember, the night I got hit on, a few months back. Remember, that time when the chick was all "You need to be gay"? Haha. I didn't talk to him then, really, but those people did. And another time, soon after that, I was walking by and he asked this other guy to guess my age (who actually guessed correctly! Score! Heh. He had this total "deer-in-headlights" look of fear, as he guessed, too.). Because he remembered it from that night on the bus, and thought it was so amazing that I was really 21. That's it, but we usually say hi to each other, when we pass by one another.
But anyway, I was in the break-room, on my lunch (normally, I walk to Crap Donalds for lunch, but I was too lazy to do it yesterday). Plus, since we closed at six, I decided I could just wait for dinner afterward, and save my feet the extra walking), and sometimes I don't end up talking to people in there, but other times I will. Yesterday, there were people in there I knew, so I was talking with some of them, as well as that guy a little bit, about the prices of stuff in the vending machine, and how hard it rained that day (which, by the way, was INSANE. It was like crazy massive amounts of rain that just suddenly dropped from the sky, and then a second later it was all over. The expression "Raining cats and dogs" comes to mind. Wait, no, more like "Someone get the ark, and gather the animals."). Oh, and the uniforms, since there was a thing posted on the wall about it.
And this guy was like "You know, this is the most I've ever heard you talk, in like a whole year." Henara kind of laughed, in a "What the fuck?" kind of way, because of course I talk to her normally, since we're both MCAs. I said to him "Well, we don't work together." And he was like "No, but usually you come in here, sit your little bag down, then go to your locker and leave." I didn't really have a response, so I kind of just smiled and shrugged, and blushed of course, since I was embarassed. This older guy was like "Leave her alone, maybe she's shy!" And he was like "She isn't shy!" Heh, oh really? If only he knew. So, then I said "I talk to everyone BUT you, sorry." Heh.
Anyway, I just thought it was kind of an interesting thing. I do talk to people a lot, but some days when I go in there, either there aren't people I talk to normally, or they're already in the midst of a conversation that I don't feel like interrupting, or maybe I'm just tired or distracted and would rather read the newspaper. I also often don't even go in there, because I'd walk to Crap Donalds. I've been thinking of trying to do that less, lately, though. To save money, and my figure. Heh. And sometimes it's nice having the chance to talk to people more, like yesterday.
It was funny, though, because I ended up talking to him more later. This other chick from AP was giving him a ride, so we all waited together for a while (while I waited for my ride). Both of them already seemed to know each other, and have common friends (it was funny, too, because he asked the girl how old I was, but she knew, since she'd asked me that one night herself. And she was like "I thought she was like 16. Heh. She's older than me, and I was all calling her hon'."). It wasn't some earth-shattering conversation, but sometimes it's nice talking to new people, who are my age. I wouldn't think it's an easy thing to forget, but I do think sometimes how lonely and starved for companionship I am can become less glaring to me, just because I get used to it. So, when I have even a moment of interaction with others, I'm sometimes reminded with a jolt.
It was kind of nice, though, because we'd talked a little about school, and he was like "Maybe I'll see you at PCC this fall, then." And I asked "Sylvania?" (which is the campus I go to. PCC, the school, has several campuses), and he was like "You bastard." Hee. Because he was thinking of going to Rock Creek. But then started asking about Sylvania, and acting like maybe he'd consider going there. But yeah, if anything, at least it shows that a random person sees something in me that makes them want to see me again. And I know that might seem like "Why is it so weird for you to consider that being a possibility?" You have to understand though, I went through a long period, the last couple years, where I slowly but surely started believing that I couldn't even make friends anymore, most likely. Like my utter wrongness was painted on my face, and anyone could see it. I felt so anxious talking to people, and was very embarassed by my personal life. So I was always on edge, while talking to people, because I was afraid of them digging deeper to ask me questions about my life. Or simply sensing my anxiety, and whatever else it was I felt was so inferior about me. And blah blah blah, I could go on for a while about this. But, really, if you look back into my calendar, to the backdated entries I put in here from my old (private) journal, a lot of this stuff is implied, or expressed. Because it's so easy for me to go back and find exactly what I mean, when I say that, here's some examples:
"I feel like it is all written over my face and I have a big sign on my head that says "messed up." I used to be so much better at hiding it and having normal interactions with others and now it is so difficult. I need friendship right now so badly, but for the first time in my life, I don't think I could make any. It's so hard for me just to have a conversation with someone. I don't feel normal or right; I feel damaged. Like the person will smell it and know to get away. I'm not good anymore at putting on a happy face. And that's scary to me. Plus, I don't feel like myself anymore. To be honest, I don't know that I am much fun to be around now or that I am capable of having fun.
The times I spent with Amy before she left for college were awkward. I don't have anything to talk about with others that's positive. I feel like I'm trapped in a body I don't feel connected with anymore and every word from my mouth feels foreign and forced. Like I'm still and paralyzed, going in slow-motion, while everyone else is going at normal speed." (Dec. 5, 2001)
"It's so hard for me to make friends now. It's hard enough to meet people at PCC, or anywhere really when you're alone and underage, but it's much harder when you're so depressed and afraid to be out. I'm always on edge around others, hoping they don't see how inherantly fucked up I am, or ask about my life and find out how pathetic it is. That girl I became friendly with last term was nice, but I forgot to call her ever and she didn't call me. I hope I can take this class that teacher's offering this term; I want to anyway, but also she and some others from that class said they'd take it if it were offered too and I'd love to see her again. Except that what would I say to her, when she asks how I've been? Will it make her look at me differently?
I'm so lonely, and have always been so dependent feeling, that at this point I'd worry it'd be hard for me to make friends with someone because I always feel like I run people off. They get sick of me, or don't like me that much anyway. And the way I am now, I don't know how I'd handle that, really. I don't think we'd be able to be friends outside of class anyway, though. She's like 22 I think, has other friends she can go out and drink with, works full time, and has a baby at home. She doesn't have time for more friends, probably. I feel so awkward around people now, like I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I've been in a coma or something and woken up in a different era, so I've got to go around trying to act normal like everyone else so I don't make an ass out of myself, feeling out of place and not knowing what to say ever. I used to be so good at making conversation with others; now I feel so quiet always, cut off from the world, and tucked away all stiff somewhere inside myself. I try to act casual, make small talk, but it's forced, and I feel like my wrong-ness is written all over my face. They'll see it, and not want it. I wish I didn't feel this way." (March 8th, 2002)
"I'm always worrying over even the way I stand, and walk. Does my posture look odd? Am I frowning? Do I look like Mom? All slouchy and depressed, moving in slow-motion? I feel every man looking at me thinks I'm weird, and the women are looking down on me. I constantly compare myself to others. They are more of a woman than me. I hate how I look so much. I hate me so much. I wish I could get away from myself and be someone else. How could any man ever desire me? My body is disgusting to me. Everything about me is wrong, inferior. And I feel my inner problems show through my eyes and are written all over my face. I don't know how to be around others anymore. I don't know what to do with my face when I make eye-contact with someone. It's like my face freezes, and I worry they are seeing how weird I am so I look away. When I try to talk, my voice is nervous and forced" (March 19th, 2002)
I still relate to quite a bit of that stuff, but some of how I feel about talking to others has improved. It's something I've thought about lately. I definitely think the beginning of some of the friendships I've made online played a huge role in it, because it made a big impression on me. I mean, not only did it allow me to start talking with people again, and form friendships again, without having to do it in person, but it also showed me that I'm still capable of doing those things. And, as you can see from those excerpts, I hadn't felt like that in a while. I regained some of my confidence and self-esteem, when it came to me believing I had something to offer to others, and that maybe others could like me.
So, anyway, it was just a small conversation, but it brought that stuff to mind. I mean, it's not like I made new best friends or something, but at this point I take what I can get. If I can just at least talk with people more now, and not feel so bad about it, like I used to, then I appreciate that. Especially since I did find myself kind of mentioning how I hadn't been in school for a year, and that one of the reasons for going back really was because I had no life. Heh. Because he was saying how he wanted to go back to school, since doing nothing but working gets really lame after a while, you see. And so I was like "Yeah, after a year of it, that's how I was feeling. Like, I need to have SOMETHING else." And he was like "Tell me about it. Try doing that for three years!" And then turned to the other girl, and was saying they need to tell his room-mate to go back to school for that same reason, because all he does is work, and sit on the couch, depressed because he has nothing to do.
And we also briefly talked about how it's hard to meet people, if all you do is work. Just having someone relate to what I was saying, (his eyes kind of lit up, like "Yes!" when I said that) was nice. You know, because I went so very long feeling totally alone and abnormal, like no one else my age was experiencing what I was. And now I don't feel quite as alone with it, or so embarassed. I mean, I still feel embarassed sometimes that I have no real-life friends or a boyfriend, and that I took so much time off school, but not as much as I did last year.
I like how I ramble about things. Heh. Aaaaaanyway. Man, I'm hungry. I'm thinking of maybe ordering a pizza. Of course, that's not really what my thighs need. Damn, I need to start working out! But I never feel up to it. Sigh. Of course, working out increases endorphins and can help give you more energy in general. But if you don't have energy to begin with, it's kind of tough getting yourself to do it. It's a bitch of a cycle, isn't it?
Oh, I just remembered something else I was going to put in this entry. Did any of you guys see that show Pet Star last night, on Animal Planet? That was soooo cute. Heh. I loved the rope-walking cat. And of course the counting Boston Terrier, because hello! Terrier-lovers represent! Hee.
Today so far has been totally unproductive. I have homework to do, but I never like doing it before dinner. It's just a weird thing with me. If I'm hungry, and thinking about food, I can't concentrate as well on reading.
You know, I like looking back at old entries sometimes, just to see where I've been, but it often leaves me feeling a little raw afterwards. I guess it might be half because I say some things that are just brutal, when it comes to beating myself up, and half because I haven't gotten rid of all those feelings and issues. So, sometimes reading that old stuff brings it back up in my face.
But anyway. Totally changing subjects, we should break a record here tonight for consecutive rainy days in April. Go, us! Heh.
Oh, my God. I'm watching the news right now, and dude. I already knew sports might get cut, and a couple schools would get closed and stuff, but now it looks like all that will happen, plus the rest of extracurricular activities being killed and teachers getting laid off as well. Gee, great! I like how some people want the superintendent to quit, like it's his fault. Whatever, dude. Maybe if the people here weren't cheap BASTARDS, and voted for measures to give taxes to our schools, this stuff wouldn't be happenning. What fucking nerve to say no to paying taxes, and then bitching about the results. Especially since they consistently took money AWAY from the schools, ever since I was in elementary school. Now all the schools try to do is ask for a little of it back, and people can't do it. Then they bitch and moan, acting like the schools should just magically run for free. Idiots.
Yeah, I think it's time to go order that pizza now, since my stomach is about ready to stage a coup. Heh. Here's the Picture of the Day: April 14th. Hey, there's the hotel we stayed in! Except there was way more stuff around it, by the time we were there.
I can't believe I'm still behind on my friends pages. You guys are some chatty sons a-bitches, you know that? Hee. (says the chattiest ho of them all) But, yeah, if you guys are getting comments from me on entries that are like three days old, that's why. Heh.
Agh, and I'm behind on emails, too. And reading for class! I have to do quite a bit of it, the next couple of days. Suckage. I'll have to break it up into intervals, because sitting down to read so much at once is just asking for my attention span to get up and be like "Uh, I don't know what you think you're doing, bitch, but I'm outta here." Heh. And I have a pretty good attention span, too, I think. But even I have my limits. Especially when distracting things are all around me.
I actually read my best, when riding the bus. Last year, I did lots of my reading on the 78. Sometimes it makes me a little car-sick, but since all there is to do for over an hour is sit, it forces me to be productive. Unless, of course, I'm all "Whatever, productivity. Who needs it?" and feel like spacing out for an hour, or daydreaming (as I'm wont to do).
As for why my mood says "creative", I just did a couple virtual makeovers for the loverly
sonneta (well, I did them last night, but I started this entry last night, so there you go. My mood was "creative" then, but is contemplative now. Heh, I love how my entries end up taking me FOR-EV-ER to finish, sometimes). I sent them to you, sonneta, did you receive them? I got a kick out of doing it. See, she asked in her journal this last week what our opinions were concerning her hair color and such, and I remembered that there was this site where you could upload photos and make them over. It's good times. Check it out! Turns out Ms. Thang looks good as both a burnt-out blonde, and a sepia-toned brunette. But, the key thing is that both colors were on hair that was shorter than the photo I copied from the yahoo site (Which you can see here), as well as straight, and kind of fringy (emphasis on the straight, since everyone knows my love for the straightening iron knows no bounds. It works wonders, I tell you! WONDERS! Heh). Of course such a style would be more time-consuming, since her hair is so curly. But no pain, no gain, right? And of course I put makeup on her there, too. The results were fab, overall.Heh, I feel like Cher in Clueless. I'm all "Ooh, project!" I love makeovers, dude. Y'all should've seen me when my stepmom said I could go shopping with her, this one time, and help her find clothes. Heh. I wasn't successful, though, in getting her to buy bootcut jeans. Someday, man. I have seen the promised-land, my friends, and there's not a tapered leg in sight. Hee.
Oh, speaking of people I want to makeover, can I just bring up--once AGAIN--the issue of girls and hiphugger pants? Now, I toe a moral line between mentally slapping myself when I make judgments about other people's appearances, on one side, and giving in to the evilness on the other. Just so you guys know. Heh. Like, in general, I don't like to be a catty person. That's not who I want to be. But, dude, I ignore a lot. And forgive a lot (hee, like I'm forgiving their sins. "Okay, I'll let it go this time, but don't let me catch you in that again, or it's eternal damnation for you, missy."). But when girl after girl walks by me at work in their low-rise hip-hugging jeans, which are practically falling past their ass-crack, with no figure or hips to even flatter the damn things, and fat rolls sticking out above them, what's a girl supposed to do? I'm not made of stone, people!
The rest of my day was okay. Very busy, and my feet hurt like a bitch. Stupid insoles! Damn, I need to buy some other ones. I wish I understood why suddenly this was a problem, when it wasn't before. Man, screw this shit, if I can't find new ones that work before I'm scheduled again, I'm just taking them out. My shoes are too big, without them, but I'd rather wear some blister pads, and risk the friction. After all, they're boots, so they won't slip off. They're just not as comfortable without insoles, and I tend to get blisters. But anything would be better than constantly walking on the edge of a bunched-up evil insole. Heh, like Mom said to me the other day, "Oh, the trials and tribulations of Rachael's feet." So true.
Because we can't use folding tables anymore, or Z-racks (except for one by petites), we all have to walk more, and carry more at a time. If I think about it for more than a second, I'm filled with the RAGE! That fucking woman (the store manager) needs to come work as an MCA, sometime. Like a Saturday, or Sunday, during a sale. We'll hand her the phone, and she can work alongside us, doing freight and fitting rooms, and all the rest of it. Then maybe she'd have a better understanding of how fucking STUPID her rules are.
Mmm, sweet, sweet rage. Just like Mom used to make. Heh.
Of course I got stuck with more of the fitting rooms than others, because for some reason I always seem to. At the end of the night, I'm often the one left to finish the put-backs (hence why it bugged me, the other night, when Honey bitched about putting out one shirt, after I'd been working my ass off without her help). One other MCA helped me some, though. It was okay, but my back and feet were yelling at me by then, and I have a bruise on my hand from the hangers digging into it. I used to have it constantly, back before I started using the folding tables. Great, now me and my old friend can get reacquainted again. Thanks, Boogie Woman.
I was actually in a pretty decent mood, though. The day wasn't fantastic, but it was better than Saturday. I worked alongside Frowney, who did tell us what to do, but wasn't as bossy as she has been in the past. Like, she just suggested what we could all do, and then asked "Is that okay?" I'm not sure if a manager talked to her, but I saw it as an improvement, and appreciated it. Because I definitely don't mind someone taking initiative and delegating tasks, since it goes along with the territory. We have to work together, especially since the managers often aren't much help. But it's not cool if your fellow (and equal) coworker thinks they're your boss, and just gives orders, without asking what you think. So, a simple "Is that okay?" makes a big difference in how such a thing is taken.
My lovah was there, I know, because I heard someone page him. But I never actually saw him, or got to talk to him. And the page was late in the day, so I got all excited for a second, thinking it meant he was closing. But he must've gotten off at five or six (when we close; we usually stay till seven or so), or something. What is up with fate just hatin' on me? Heh. Come on, life, we don't need no hateration in this dancery.
Like I said, though, I was relatively cheerful yesterday. I didn't really think I was talking all that much more than normal (it just depends on who's around me, and what's going on, when it comes to whether I talk much to people at work), but according to one guy I was. There's this one guy who works for stock, and I've had a few interactions with him, but not that many. He was on the bus, I remember, the night I got hit on, a few months back. Remember, that time when the chick was all "You need to be gay"? Haha. I didn't talk to him then, really, but those people did. And another time, soon after that, I was walking by and he asked this other guy to guess my age (who actually guessed correctly! Score! Heh. He had this total "deer-in-headlights" look of fear, as he guessed, too.). Because he remembered it from that night on the bus, and thought it was so amazing that I was really 21. That's it, but we usually say hi to each other, when we pass by one another.
But anyway, I was in the break-room, on my lunch (normally, I walk to Crap Donalds for lunch, but I was too lazy to do it yesterday). Plus, since we closed at six, I decided I could just wait for dinner afterward, and save my feet the extra walking), and sometimes I don't end up talking to people in there, but other times I will. Yesterday, there were people in there I knew, so I was talking with some of them, as well as that guy a little bit, about the prices of stuff in the vending machine, and how hard it rained that day (which, by the way, was INSANE. It was like crazy massive amounts of rain that just suddenly dropped from the sky, and then a second later it was all over. The expression "Raining cats and dogs" comes to mind. Wait, no, more like "Someone get the ark, and gather the animals."). Oh, and the uniforms, since there was a thing posted on the wall about it.
And this guy was like "You know, this is the most I've ever heard you talk, in like a whole year." Henara kind of laughed, in a "What the fuck?" kind of way, because of course I talk to her normally, since we're both MCAs. I said to him "Well, we don't work together." And he was like "No, but usually you come in here, sit your little bag down, then go to your locker and leave." I didn't really have a response, so I kind of just smiled and shrugged, and blushed of course, since I was embarassed. This older guy was like "Leave her alone, maybe she's shy!" And he was like "She isn't shy!" Heh, oh really? If only he knew. So, then I said "I talk to everyone BUT you, sorry." Heh.
Anyway, I just thought it was kind of an interesting thing. I do talk to people a lot, but some days when I go in there, either there aren't people I talk to normally, or they're already in the midst of a conversation that I don't feel like interrupting, or maybe I'm just tired or distracted and would rather read the newspaper. I also often don't even go in there, because I'd walk to Crap Donalds. I've been thinking of trying to do that less, lately, though. To save money, and my figure. Heh. And sometimes it's nice having the chance to talk to people more, like yesterday.
It was funny, though, because I ended up talking to him more later. This other chick from AP was giving him a ride, so we all waited together for a while (while I waited for my ride). Both of them already seemed to know each other, and have common friends (it was funny, too, because he asked the girl how old I was, but she knew, since she'd asked me that one night herself. And she was like "I thought she was like 16. Heh. She's older than me, and I was all calling her hon'."). It wasn't some earth-shattering conversation, but sometimes it's nice talking to new people, who are my age. I wouldn't think it's an easy thing to forget, but I do think sometimes how lonely and starved for companionship I am can become less glaring to me, just because I get used to it. So, when I have even a moment of interaction with others, I'm sometimes reminded with a jolt.
It was kind of nice, though, because we'd talked a little about school, and he was like "Maybe I'll see you at PCC this fall, then." And I asked "Sylvania?" (which is the campus I go to. PCC, the school, has several campuses), and he was like "You bastard." Hee. Because he was thinking of going to Rock Creek. But then started asking about Sylvania, and acting like maybe he'd consider going there. But yeah, if anything, at least it shows that a random person sees something in me that makes them want to see me again. And I know that might seem like "Why is it so weird for you to consider that being a possibility?" You have to understand though, I went through a long period, the last couple years, where I slowly but surely started believing that I couldn't even make friends anymore, most likely. Like my utter wrongness was painted on my face, and anyone could see it. I felt so anxious talking to people, and was very embarassed by my personal life. So I was always on edge, while talking to people, because I was afraid of them digging deeper to ask me questions about my life. Or simply sensing my anxiety, and whatever else it was I felt was so inferior about me. And blah blah blah, I could go on for a while about this. But, really, if you look back into my calendar, to the backdated entries I put in here from my old (private) journal, a lot of this stuff is implied, or expressed. Because it's so easy for me to go back and find exactly what I mean, when I say that, here's some examples:
"I feel like it is all written over my face and I have a big sign on my head that says "messed up." I used to be so much better at hiding it and having normal interactions with others and now it is so difficult. I need friendship right now so badly, but for the first time in my life, I don't think I could make any. It's so hard for me just to have a conversation with someone. I don't feel normal or right; I feel damaged. Like the person will smell it and know to get away. I'm not good anymore at putting on a happy face. And that's scary to me. Plus, I don't feel like myself anymore. To be honest, I don't know that I am much fun to be around now or that I am capable of having fun.
The times I spent with Amy before she left for college were awkward. I don't have anything to talk about with others that's positive. I feel like I'm trapped in a body I don't feel connected with anymore and every word from my mouth feels foreign and forced. Like I'm still and paralyzed, going in slow-motion, while everyone else is going at normal speed." (Dec. 5, 2001)
"It's so hard for me to make friends now. It's hard enough to meet people at PCC, or anywhere really when you're alone and underage, but it's much harder when you're so depressed and afraid to be out. I'm always on edge around others, hoping they don't see how inherantly fucked up I am, or ask about my life and find out how pathetic it is. That girl I became friendly with last term was nice, but I forgot to call her ever and she didn't call me. I hope I can take this class that teacher's offering this term; I want to anyway, but also she and some others from that class said they'd take it if it were offered too and I'd love to see her again. Except that what would I say to her, when she asks how I've been? Will it make her look at me differently?
I'm so lonely, and have always been so dependent feeling, that at this point I'd worry it'd be hard for me to make friends with someone because I always feel like I run people off. They get sick of me, or don't like me that much anyway. And the way I am now, I don't know how I'd handle that, really. I don't think we'd be able to be friends outside of class anyway, though. She's like 22 I think, has other friends she can go out and drink with, works full time, and has a baby at home. She doesn't have time for more friends, probably. I feel so awkward around people now, like I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I've been in a coma or something and woken up in a different era, so I've got to go around trying to act normal like everyone else so I don't make an ass out of myself, feeling out of place and not knowing what to say ever. I used to be so good at making conversation with others; now I feel so quiet always, cut off from the world, and tucked away all stiff somewhere inside myself. I try to act casual, make small talk, but it's forced, and I feel like my wrong-ness is written all over my face. They'll see it, and not want it. I wish I didn't feel this way." (March 8th, 2002)
"I'm always worrying over even the way I stand, and walk. Does my posture look odd? Am I frowning? Do I look like Mom? All slouchy and depressed, moving in slow-motion? I feel every man looking at me thinks I'm weird, and the women are looking down on me. I constantly compare myself to others. They are more of a woman than me. I hate how I look so much. I hate me so much. I wish I could get away from myself and be someone else. How could any man ever desire me? My body is disgusting to me. Everything about me is wrong, inferior. And I feel my inner problems show through my eyes and are written all over my face. I don't know how to be around others anymore. I don't know what to do with my face when I make eye-contact with someone. It's like my face freezes, and I worry they are seeing how weird I am so I look away. When I try to talk, my voice is nervous and forced" (March 19th, 2002)
I still relate to quite a bit of that stuff, but some of how I feel about talking to others has improved. It's something I've thought about lately. I definitely think the beginning of some of the friendships I've made online played a huge role in it, because it made a big impression on me. I mean, not only did it allow me to start talking with people again, and form friendships again, without having to do it in person, but it also showed me that I'm still capable of doing those things. And, as you can see from those excerpts, I hadn't felt like that in a while. I regained some of my confidence and self-esteem, when it came to me believing I had something to offer to others, and that maybe others could like me.
So, anyway, it was just a small conversation, but it brought that stuff to mind. I mean, it's not like I made new best friends or something, but at this point I take what I can get. If I can just at least talk with people more now, and not feel so bad about it, like I used to, then I appreciate that. Especially since I did find myself kind of mentioning how I hadn't been in school for a year, and that one of the reasons for going back really was because I had no life. Heh. Because he was saying how he wanted to go back to school, since doing nothing but working gets really lame after a while, you see. And so I was like "Yeah, after a year of it, that's how I was feeling. Like, I need to have SOMETHING else." And he was like "Tell me about it. Try doing that for three years!" And then turned to the other girl, and was saying they need to tell his room-mate to go back to school for that same reason, because all he does is work, and sit on the couch, depressed because he has nothing to do.
And we also briefly talked about how it's hard to meet people, if all you do is work. Just having someone relate to what I was saying, (his eyes kind of lit up, like "Yes!" when I said that) was nice. You know, because I went so very long feeling totally alone and abnormal, like no one else my age was experiencing what I was. And now I don't feel quite as alone with it, or so embarassed. I mean, I still feel embarassed sometimes that I have no real-life friends or a boyfriend, and that I took so much time off school, but not as much as I did last year.
I like how I ramble about things. Heh. Aaaaaanyway. Man, I'm hungry. I'm thinking of maybe ordering a pizza. Of course, that's not really what my thighs need. Damn, I need to start working out! But I never feel up to it. Sigh. Of course, working out increases endorphins and can help give you more energy in general. But if you don't have energy to begin with, it's kind of tough getting yourself to do it. It's a bitch of a cycle, isn't it?
Oh, I just remembered something else I was going to put in this entry. Did any of you guys see that show Pet Star last night, on Animal Planet? That was soooo cute. Heh. I loved the rope-walking cat. And of course the counting Boston Terrier, because hello! Terrier-lovers represent! Hee.
Today so far has been totally unproductive. I have homework to do, but I never like doing it before dinner. It's just a weird thing with me. If I'm hungry, and thinking about food, I can't concentrate as well on reading.
You know, I like looking back at old entries sometimes, just to see where I've been, but it often leaves me feeling a little raw afterwards. I guess it might be half because I say some things that are just brutal, when it comes to beating myself up, and half because I haven't gotten rid of all those feelings and issues. So, sometimes reading that old stuff brings it back up in my face.
But anyway. Totally changing subjects, we should break a record here tonight for consecutive rainy days in April. Go, us! Heh.
Oh, my God. I'm watching the news right now, and dude. I already knew sports might get cut, and a couple schools would get closed and stuff, but now it looks like all that will happen, plus the rest of extracurricular activities being killed and teachers getting laid off as well. Gee, great! I like how some people want the superintendent to quit, like it's his fault. Whatever, dude. Maybe if the people here weren't cheap BASTARDS, and voted for measures to give taxes to our schools, this stuff wouldn't be happenning. What fucking nerve to say no to paying taxes, and then bitching about the results. Especially since they consistently took money AWAY from the schools, ever since I was in elementary school. Now all the schools try to do is ask for a little of it back, and people can't do it. Then they bitch and moan, acting like the schools should just magically run for free. Idiots.
Yeah, I think it's time to go order that pizza now, since my stomach is about ready to stage a coup. Heh. Here's the Picture of the Day: April 14th. Hey, there's the hotel we stayed in! Except there was way more stuff around it, by the time we were there.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-14 10:28 pm (UTC)But my friend? Who's like 20 pounds lighter than me and body fat-less? Looks amazing in them.
Sometimes I feel the only clothes that look good on me are low cut in the front and drapey from the waist-down. But surely I can't walk around in some kind of vampy nightgown all day, can I?
(Now I'm having visions of parading around campus in a teddy. This is so disturbing. Hee.)
Re:
Date: 2003-04-14 11:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-15 12:21 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-14 10:53 pm (UTC)I havent had any lj problems, but I generally dont update as often as you. I know fairy has been having some difficulty, though. I wonder if thats just because lj has gotten so popular that they cant handle the server load, or what, because its been happening a ton lately.
Am I a huge dork if I am just waiting in total anticipation for your post about your class tomorrow night?
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-14 11:52 pm (UTC)Oh, and as if! You could meet me wearing a huge barrel, for all I care, and it wouldn't make a difference. Hell, show up in lederhozen if you want. Hee. Plus, I should've added some more clarification: When I'm talking about girls in hip-huggers, I mean the girls with the belly shirts and all. Like when they're obviously trying to show stuff off. And, really, even then I feel like if they're happy, then cool. I just can't help tsk-tsking in my mind, if the pants really don't flatter them.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-15 03:02 am (UTC)But yeah, if anything, at least it shows that a random person sees something in me that makes them want to see me again.
Duh, so many people here would love to see you.
Re:
Date: 2003-04-15 01:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-15 10:47 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-04-15 01:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-16 11:24 am (UTC)The only thing is that when these "trends" are decided upon, it's hell on earth to try and find a pair of normal jeans. So you suck it up and buy the low cut pants. Or you'll never wear pants again.
Me and tersi had the same conversation re: boot-cut jeans. Maybe we don't want our jeans boot-cut. Maybe we want straight-legged pants. But can you find them anywhere? No.
Re:
Date: 2003-04-16 03:32 pm (UTC)As for straight-legged, I know that at least at Sears, they have "classic" fit, as well as boot-cut. So, you can find straight-leg there. Please don't, though. Hee. I hate straight-leg.