Adios, 2003
Jan. 2nd, 2004 12:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82I have an entry in the works about the last couple weeks, and my holidays (including New Years Eve), but I'm not done yet, and it's getting late. So I decided to just leave that for later, and post the rest of my Year In Review now, minus holiday talk to cap it off.
Before I post those though, I will say that I spent my New Years Eve getting drunk on a little SoCo (because saying "southern comfort" takes too long for busy gals like me, heh), and it's snowy like MAD outside right now. We're talking past my ankles. I know that's nothing for other places, but it hasn't snowed this much here in years and years, and years. And years. And? Years. I've got to get some film, and take a picture, to mark this now rare occasion.
Now, as promised, here's the second installment of the longest Year In Review Ever. The final part will come, right after.
April 28th: "As for our relationship, um, I don't know. She said today that she realized later that I'm okay, there really isn't anything that wrong with me. She said she flipped out that day, like she'd been self-centered for so long (which, yeah, she is) and just then realized "Oh my God, what am I going to do about Rachael. I need to fix this NOW." And she said she doesn't care what doctor I see, she just wanted to help me. But she didn't want to come down on me like that or fight, anymore. Uh, yeah, neither did I. I can't live like that, never knowing what to expect.
Maybe things really can get better, and it's just been a really bad week. I don't know, I was being optimistic before it, and the fact that shit hit the fan again really kicked that hope in the balls. I still want to be positive, but part of me feels like things will just never be good. I mean, not on a permanent basis. Maybe overall, they could improve, but I'm not going to be all "Yeah, I believe that sort of thing will never happen again!" I'm just not that naive. I just hope things could get better, in general, you know?
But I thought about it, and realized that even if I do want to continue to live here, and things did get better? I still need to work on making it so I feel like I at least have the option of moving out. Not to mention open my options with jobs, and such. If I can. So, I called and left a message with my old doctor today."
May 2nd: "On top of that, oral presentations for the women's studies class start in three weeks. . .
. . .I hope I don't go the first class, not only because I don't want to go first, and because I want to have more time to complete the thing, but also because my doctor won't be back until right around then and I want to talk to him before I do it. You know, to help me prepare. . .
. . .It's frustrating for me, though, because I used to be so good at public speaking. It was a skill I had a bit of a reputation for, and was proud of. It's not like I've suddenly lost the knack for it. That ability has to still be in me. But now it's blocked by fear, and an irrational, obsessive, anxious mind.
And what's really frustrating is how I've struggled lately with things I was mostly okay with for a long time last year, after starting to see my doctor. So even after all the work I've put in with it, and the outward progress I've made, doing this might actually be harder for me than it would've been, say, last fall. Because I kind of seemed to relapse, this year. Hard to pinpoint exactly when, but I definitely have. I mean, it's almost like I'm starting all over again, except with more knowledge and experience. So it's not the same as it was before treatment, but I feel like the anxiety shouldn't be so strong anymore, and yet? It is.
I know the goal is to learn to handle the anxiety, not to just get rid of it entirely. But I'd really like to lessen it, a lot. I'm really tired of how large a part it plays in my life, how it takes over my thinking, and clouds my moods. It's depressing, distracting, and takes away from my enjoyment of things, and my ability to really experience life as it's experienced for people who don't have it. For fuck's sake, I can't even walk to the store, without the entire duration of the trip being shadowed by the constant cycle of anxious thoughts, and almost unwavering self-consciousness. If I'm out long enough, it usually gets better, but I'm so tired of it being a factor in my deciding to go out to begin with, or influencing how I feel about doing so."
As people who read my journal then know, I considered dropping that class for a moment, because of that oral presentation. But I went through with it, and it was a big step for me.
May 3rd: "Kind of crazy, though, because now both my parents will be laid off, and technically unemployed. Nice economy, huh? Let's just hope and pray Joe's job stays secure."
Both of my parents were laid off, this last year. But Dad got a new job in Arizona, and Mom got disability. And Joe got a new, and better, job. One of my aunts who was unemployed most of last year is still unemployed, but I don't really know how hard she's looking, and what the deal is there. One guy who interviewed her and didn't give her the job, knew my Nanny and afterward confessed that he was concerned about giving her the job, because she had such a gloomy, depressed attitude (it involved dealing with customers). Nanny's all worried about her.
May 4th: "At least he made eye contact, and smiled at me! It was when he was singing, and I giggled. Yes, giggled. Look, I'm only human. Heh. And I do turn into a giggling schoolgirl, around guys I like. Big-time.
I could just eat him right up. And no, not like that, pervs. *tries to make admonishing expression, then gives in* Okay, yeah, like that too. Heeee. Naughty!Rachael."
May 7th: Lovah rambling, and my shitty self esteem. I think my favorite line there though is "Like, hi, I'm checking out your booty." Hee. I should've put that on a sign or something. Maybe then he would've gotten it.
May 8th: "I wonder if this Inderal (or Propanolol, whatever, same difference) is making me more moody, and depressed lately too. I know that some of it is due to the anxiety, and other things. But I've just been so tired, and crappy feeling lately. I don't know what's causing what, though. I really want to give it as much of a chance as possible, because I so want it to work."
I gave that medicine a very long chance, but it never helped, and though I did kind of like how I noticed less palpitations with it, in addition to not wanting to use it a crutch for the anxiety, and wanting to save money by not getting it anymore, I also decided to try to get off it again because of concerns that it was increasing depression.
May 9th: "Now, I know you're all wondering "So, did you "meet" any spirit animals? *snicker*" Well, nya, because I did! Hee. Okay, so I'm skeptical, and know fully well that I probably just thought up these animals, and saw them in my mind. But what's the fun in that? If anything, even if spirit animals don't exist at all, I think it's interesting to see what the mind comes up with in such a situation, and what thoughts pop up."
May 14th: "I was all set to kick some middle eastern ass (hee), tonight, but I think I might've missed a couple questions. I had my midterm in Poly Sci, you see. I love it when teachers put questions on the test that weren't on the review, and were barely mentioned in class, and then leave questions out that WERE on the review, and were talked about in great detail in lectures. Haha, what a funny joke!
*glares*
Heh."
Those tests were tricky little bastards, but I still did well in the classes I had with that teacher, which I was proud of.
May 14th, as well: "TinkNGiles: I bought a Snuffy shirt at Hot Topic but it doesn't fit me!:-(
TinkNGiles: For one thing it's waaay higher cut than I thought and it shows my stomach and also my boomba boombas make snuffy look all stretched out and weird
rachmarieg: ever since hot topic opened up at our mall, there's all these snotty ass girls
rachmarieg: hee, boomba boombas
TinkNGiles: tell the snotty girls go HOME!
rachmarieg: mine are more like "beenba beenba" or something
rachmarieg: not very boom
TinkNGiles: hee!
rachmarieg: your boobs are like "YO, BITCH!" and mine are all meek, like "uh, hi?"
rachmarieg: haha
TinkNGiles: my boobs are the pimp and yours are the bitches
rachmarieg: mine are the giggling geisha-type schoolgirls
rachmarieg: i love how i'm giving personalities to my breasts
TinkNGiles: dude, mine GREW
rachmarieg: yours are the big, fat attitude-having black women. they're all "i'm big and i'm beautiful! what, what?"
TinkNGiles: I am now a 38 C. I didn't gain weight if anything I lost it so don't know how or why
rachmarieg: really? what's the secret? these bitches won't grow
rachmarieg: wow, that is really not fair. you get to lose weight, and get bigger boobs
rachmarieg: like the fat migrates
rachmarieg: for the winter, perhaps?
rachmarieg: except it's spring
TinkNGiles: hehe. it's hibernating.
rachmarieg: they're moving north for summer!
rachmarieg: by july they'll end up on your jaw. hahaha
rachmarieg: with lawn chairs"
May 18th: Pictures of my pregnant sis.
May 23rd: "However! Perhaps I need to say it again: I'm covered! Heh. I like almost cried when I found out. It just makes it so much simpler for me to see him, and finish the program. I don't have to feel as guilty about it, now. Because at least I know he's getting paid properly. I just need to call him and make an appointment.
Interrupting here, can I just say that I can't believe how fast the last year has gone by? Oh my God. This time last year, I was just starting to really post at TWoP, and not this Saturday but the next will be my one year anniversary at Meta. I also started seeing my doctor around this time last year, and now I'll be seeing him again. It feels like a second ago that I went back to work, last summer. Like yesterday that I was happy it was almost Fall, so we could get rid of all the swimsuits in kids, since they were all together on these clearance racks, totally fucking messed up, and always falling off their hangers. Now, all the swimsuits are back on the floor, and it's all deja vu. Coming up at the end of July/beginning of August, my sister will be having a baby. A freaking BABY. That time last year, collectively speaking, we were all jumping on our beds in our hotel room in Mexico, still similar enough in size for Corinne to constantly try and steal my clothes, and together we would watch A Wedding Story and a Baby Story on TLC, and she'd roll her eyes, pretending none of it was for her. See what I mean? Weirdness."
I'm without insurance again now, but getting it for that period of time helped give me the push I needed to contact my old psychologist again. And yeah, there's been a crazy amount of changes, over the last few years, when I look back.
May 28th: "-Dad got a job in Phoenix (Arizona, for you non-Americans). It was wicked short-notice, and he's leaving on Friday. Mary and Kyle will stay up here until the house sells, and then they'll move down there too.
-Which means I very likely will be out of insurance again then. Figures that I find that out the very day that I found out my doctor was covered, huh?"
June 6th: "You know though when crushes get to that point where they start being kind of frustrating, and mess with your feelings of self worth? No, just me? Right, then. Of course my feelings of self worth go all over the place without him to begin with. I swear, one moment, I'm looking in the mirror like "How YOU doin'!" and the next I'm like "God, could I BE any plainer or more pathetic?" Nutjob.
As you know, I'm seeing my doctor again now too. He made me promise I'd finish the program with him this time, even if I lose my insurance, and can't pay him fully."
June 11th: "As for class, I found out my score for the geography quiz I took last week. 100%! Holla! Hee. . .
. . .The final was kind of difficult, for the same reasons the midterm was a little hard. The teacher put stuff on there that wasn't on the review, and I hardly even remember ever being mentioned, meanwhile he left out big stuff that I actually studied. And some of the other questions were almost trick-questions. . .
. . .He graded it while we watched the second movie, and even though he might change more later upon closer inspection, we got our basic scores. Mine was 62/60, after the extra points were added. Hell yizzah!"
I'm obviously not as good on the geography now as I was then, because you start forgetting stuff after a while, but I'm still pretty smooth with it because of those quizzes. And even if I've forgotten some, I know I could easily go back and review, and I'd be back to knowing every country on Earth. Which is always fun, because of how insanely ignorant most people are of geography, so when you aren't, you get to walk around like hot shit. Hee. Yeah, I have no shame. I'm all "Who here knows where Togo is? Oh, that's right, me! I forgot! What up! You want some of this?" Heh, then the person just punches me, like "who's hot shit now, bitch? That's right, keep crying."
June 17th: Giving an oral presentation again, and finishing my first term back at school.
June 18th: "Apparently, they have some new test with which they can find out whether you'll probably deliver within a week or whatever, and Corinne tested positive for it. Even though she still seemed to be dilated to just one. But they put her in the hospital tonight, and they're going to give her more drugs to try to stop the contractions, if possible. If they stop, then they'll let her leave after a couple days. And if not, well, Happy Birthday, Jaden!
Or perhaps I should say Jayden, because now Lance is saying he thinks it looks better that way."
June 20th: "My classes ended up kind of getting decided for me, since a bunch of them turned out to be full. They didn't even have waitlists. So, Spanish, Writing, and the Psych class were all out of the picture. I ended up choosing one math class, and a Global Politics class, which will be taught by the same teacher I had for my middle east class this last term. Yeah, I know, he wasn't perfect, but I did learn quite a bit in that class, so hopefully I will again with this one. Hopefully we'll have time to ask questions this time too, although I won't be surprised if we can't, since the class is only a month long. But we do meet twice a week. I guess I'll just find out. Let's also hope Question Quigley doesn't decide to sign up as well. Good God."
July 3rd: Getting through insecurities, or at least trying to.
July 4th: "Corinne's in the hospital now, almost completely effaced, and dilated to three. I was going to go over to Dad's, but I'll be going to be with her now"
July 4th: "After class, a guy approached me and started up a conversation. Let's call him Keanu."
Poor Keanu. I hope he got over that whole mess, fairly quickly. You would think being a rejector rather than the rejectee would be easy, but it isn't. Of course, I do have a conscience, so that doesn't help.
July 5th: "I talked to Keanu after class, about class, and politics and the middle east and stuff like that. He said to me "I have to say, you're a very interesting person. I mean, I observe people, it's just something I do. Observe their traits and characteristics and stuff. And you're very intriguing." Heh, well! Ms. Fascinating, over here. . .
. . .Her belly looks like a basketball now. It's crazy. I took some pictures there, and Lance also took a few home videos clips. They're gonna be so funny, I bet, like twenty years from now. We're all complaining to him about how he won't come out, and how we've been waiting for him. Lance got a shot of just the clock, and then popped in front of it and just pointed at it with this face, like "Look what you've done." Hee."
Ah, yes, the Fourth of July. Got spent in a hospital room, this year, because of Jayden and his in utero stubbornness. That trait hasn't disappeared, either.
July 7th: "My hands smell like baby. Probably because I was just holding one. One that happenned to be MY NEPHEW.
Hahaha. Or, in other words, a freaking BABY just came out of my SISTER. I'm still a little in shock over it. Like, she was pregnant forever, but now it's like "Oh my God, there really was a baby in there. That's the little dude who's been tap dancing on Corinne's bladder, all this time!" I just stared at him, thinking "That came out of my sister, the one who used to walk around in the Goofy slippers." Heh. Seriously, though. Unbelievable.
And, by the way, he is the CUTEST newborn I've ever seen. He cried some at first, but calmed down really quickly. Then he didn't even cry at all, as everyone passed him around, and cameras were flashed constantly. Just kept yawning (AH! Hee. So! Fucking! CUTE!), and licking his lips. Making tiny baby noises. And every once in a while, he'd try to open his eyes. I was like "I can't handle it, he's too cute! I wanna just eat him up!" And Lance's Mom was like "You sound like that guy in Austin Powers." Hee. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, ribs.[/singing]"
July 9th: "Keanu sent me an email the other night, and I responded. In it, he thanked me for "being so nice and friendly" to him. Aw. That's sweet, but almost kind of sad. He says he has kind of a hard time meeting people and stuff, but you know, whenever I'm around him, guys stop and say hello, knowing him from one class or another. I relate though. It is seriously hard making friends there."
July 11th: Pictures of my nephew as a newborn.
July 16th: "I wanna be like "Asshole! You don't have a say, here! What part of that don't you understand? Just use it! You think you can fold without it, but you can't fold it correctly! Look at those shirts, they're all different sizes! None of them look as neat as they should! Do you not have eyes?"
Hee. Then I pick up the folding table and beat the person with it."
Heh, work-rage, nothing like it. Especially in retail. Makes me think of that joke in the Kings of Comedy special, about how there's always at least one person at your work who is *this close* to getting their ass kicked by you, and they don't even know it. Hee. So true.
July 21st: "Even while sleeping, Jayden never stops making all sorts of funny expressions. He gets this serious look on his face that reminds me so much of Kyle, when he was a baby. Then he raises his eyebrows like something is shocking him, followed by sticking his tongue out for no reason. Hee. He's always sticking that tongue out, and licking his lips. Not to mention sucking on his lower lip. He does that constantly.
Newborns are awe-inspiring, you know? It's so crazy to think that the little feet kicking in the air as I hold him are the same ones that I felt through Corinne's stomach, only a few weeks ago. And they're so totally helpless. They can't even support their own heads. Kind of brings out a "must protect him from the world!" feeling in you. Especially when it's your nephew, and he's wearing a little red onesie with a Pooh Bear on it. Hee. And did I mention it had footies? Because it did. So. Cute. . .
. . .Mom and I finally went out to lunch with that friend of her's, which we'd been planning on doing forever. Let's call her Sunshine, since she's very chipper. . .
. . .Honey talked to Chakra, she told me, all "Why you not give Rachael more hours? She does beautiful work, hon'! I love her. She needs money. Come on." Hee, I love Honey so much."
You know, there must be something about that tongue deal with newborns, because my cousin's new baby girl does it too. Strange.
And regarding the lunch I went to with Mom and her "friend," that was actually the first time I ate out with a basic stranger, really, in about two years.
I added the Honey part too, just because I thought some work-talk had to be stuck in here, more. And I worked with Honey, all year. She was a sweetheart, even though she bugged me a few times.
July 30th: "One of the things I have started to see, over the last year or so, is that "perfection" is not even always that great. Like my doctor was saying to me recently, that many people might be attracted to someone who is able to show their vulnerable side, or their sensitivity. I know that I can feel closer to someone once they let down their guard around me, and often find myself endeared to another when I can see that they're less than perfect. Especially if they're normally composed, or seem out of reach. I thought of this again recently, when talking to Sunshine. I'd like to see more of the overcast skies that I know must exist with her. Not that I want to see her less than happy, but she almost seems like she puts on this front of cheerfulness and stuff, although maybe that really is just her. I'd probably feel a bit more at ease around her though, if I saw that she wasn't always on top of the world. . .
. . .After class, I was going to wait and find out my grade to the final immediately (but then left, because the teacher still wasn't back, and I knew Mom was waiting), so I stood around and talked to Keanu. Just when I was starting to think he did want to be just friends, he asked me out. Dang. I had to tell him no. I still feel bad, but I am proud of myself for being honest this time. . .
. . .So, I told him that I thought it'd be better if we were just friends. And I thought at first that maybe it could work, without it being too terribly awkward, if he handled it like "Okay. Let's be friends, then. I'm disappointed, but I'll handle it." Not making a production out of it, in other words. You know? But, uh, yeah. I underestimated how he felt, obviously. He seriously looked ready to cry, and his eyes were all intense and sad. It's pretty clear that he wasn't just interested, he was kind of infatuated. Or is, I should say."
Well, even if I felt bad for that, at least I got some serious flattery out of the deal. It's just too bad I couldn't have been hearing that from someone I liked in return.
July 31st: "He farted while I was there, which I thought was priceless. He was in his crib, and I was cooing over him, and then he ripped one. Haha. I was so shocked, like "Oh, my God, did he just fart?" And Corinne was like "He does it all the time!"
I'm a lost cause, though, because even his farts are cute to me at this point. He burps, and I'm like "Aww!". . .
. . .There weren't many people in my class though, and not all of them are even young, either. I still feel self conscious in it, because I feel like I've asked several dumb questions so far, but I've pretty much calmed down about the whole thing."
August 1st: "Last night, I went and did one of those double sessions with my doctor, wherein I wrote checks at about five places. The writing in and of itself went well, but he wanted me to intentionally make my hand look like it was shaking, and go so far as to say to the cashier that I had to write a new check. I didn't expect him to ask me to do that yet, and I got upset about it. I did make my hand shake a little, but couldn't do the part where I ripped up the check, and wrote a new one.
I'm still feeling unhappy about it, and before I do something like that with him again in a few weeks, I'll need to talk more with him about it, and how it made me feel. I thought we were taking things one step at a time, and I obviously wasn't ready to just leap ahead like that. I don't know. I'm feeling stressed out about the whole thing. We need to take this slower or something, and talk about it more. It's already hard enough for me to think of shaking in front of someone for real, and the pretending part of it actually makes me more nervous. I don't like acting things out. Ughhhh. Want to pull my hair out, right now."
I think that entire thing was the trigger for the increase in my depression, this fall. I had already been moody before it, but it didn't help at all, and there was a marked descent in my moods, after it. Of course it didn't help at all that I waited so long afterward to see my doctor again. But it was a difficult part of the treatment to reach, and I still feel like even if I'm making progress, it's very slow, and almost feel as if there's a wall in front of me, this huge hurdle, and I don't know how to get past it. Mainly, "it" being me looking strange in front of someone like that.
August 9th: "Dad's insanely in love with Arizona. Every other word that comes from his mouth involves the word Arizona, or Phoenix. Seriously. Kyle was like "God, would you shut up?" Heh! It reminded me of the Evil Goldfish episode on South Park, where Cartman keeps saying "hella" all the time, and they're all "Would you stop saying hella!" We watched that this weekend too, actually. But anyway. He's been doing it ever since he went down there, and after like five more minutes of it in the car, I broke out the 10 year old in me, and was like "Why don't you marry it then?" Haha. Ba dump bump. Kyle and I took to making fun of Dad by relating everything to Arizona, too. Like there was a shitload of traffic, and we were all "This wouldn't happen in Arizona!"
It really is funny though, because Dad's all "Arizona represent, HOLLA!" now. Like that's his home state, where he was born and raised. Traitor! Heh. He compares everything in Oregon to it, and acts like allergies cease to exist there, and even though it'll be like 115 degrees, it's so dry that it feels better than eighty five degree weather here. Dad actually said those things, you know. It was in the lower-to-mid seventies that day, and he was like "I'm miserable, right now! I'd rather be in Arizona! It's so dry, it feels like nothing compared to this!" Kyle, who had just been down there (along with Mary, while they were house-hunting. Apparently it went up to like 117 degrees), turned and gave me this look like "NO. Okay? No. Jackass." Hee. I guess he practically got heat exhaustion, just going from the car to the houses. Sheesh. Kind of a rough place to be, during the summer months. But it is supposed to be nice, the rest of the year. . .
. . .Speaking of going there too, they pretty much said I could go down there for as long as I want, whenever I want. They did say though that it would be better to wait a few weeks at least, so that they could get settled in. And because the weather is so brutal still. . .
. . .I made sure to get his AIM name and his email, so that I could try to stay in better touch with him, aside from just the visits that we're able to swing. Obviously, I won't say what they are, but I have to say that one at least includes the words "Mr. Bojangles", because that cracked me up. Hee. You know, from the "Dogshow" sketch? Someone in this room has an awful lot of pizazz and charisma! And that someone is. . .MR. BOJANGLES! Haha.
I'm going to miss having them close. It was inevitable that sooner or later I wouldn't be able to go over for entire weekends anymore on a regular basis, but I didn't expect that they'd move out of state (back before Dad lost his previous job, I mean). But, you know, at least I get free vacations out of this, and when I do see them now, it'll probably be for at least a week at a time or something like that. If they still lived here, and I stopped going over for the weekends, then I'd probably just see them for an evening here or there. It's kind of like what happened between one of my aunts, and Nanny. When she lived across state, Nanny said they actually spent more valuable time together than when she lived in the same town. Because when they were a distance apart, they'd put in an effort to see each other for good periods of time, and wouldn't take those times for granted. When you live in the same town though, you often just go to dinner every now and then, or stop by the house for an hour. It's just different. So, maybe there's something to be said for not living close to people always, and that expression of "distance makes the heart grow fonder.""
I've got to start emailing my brother there more. I'm kind of worried we'll grow apart, with him getting older and living so far away, and don't want it to happen. I mean, some of it is inevitable, but I'd like to still be a part of his life. I don't want him to forget he has an older sister, or something. It would make me really sad.
August 12th: "So, a surprising thing happened last Sunday night. Those of you who kept up with my posts at meta, last fall, might remember me talking about a friend of mine in rl, who abruptly ended the friendship. . .
. . .I honestly didn't expect to hear from her ever again, but she sent me an email last week, saying how she was sure I hated her now, but that she wanted to let me know that she felt she'd made a mistake, and that she still thought of me and cared about me. And wanted to know how I was doing, if I was willing to respond."
Right, the Amy thing. That did completely come out of nowhere, for me. I didn't expect it whatsoever. Our friendship is odd, now. I don't really trust her, and talking with her about problems is kind of difficult because she's one of those people that is all "Hmm, I don't know what to say, but you know it'll get better!" And she still makes me laugh sometimes, but things are just not the same. They were weird for a while before our split, last year, anyway. I think our friendship is just one of those that is hard to keep up, only through email. I'm glad we talk again now though, if only because it made me feel better about myself and how everything had gone down, before.
August 21st: "Four guys that we both used to go to High School with got in a van accident a few weeks ago, and three of them died. They were all members of a band together, and you can actually read about it, here."
August 22nd: "There's a woman in my class who sits next to me, and I talk to her sometimes. I'm not sure how old she is, but I bet she's somewhere around thirty. Can't be older than that, since she was young enough in the mid-eighties to play with Jem dolls. Anyway, I found out that she has a writing class right now with a teacher I had in the past, who I really liked. This lady is having a hard time with her though, and was stressed out that day since she had a paper due the next morning (about the aforementioned Jem dolls, actually). That teacher uses a book that discusses writing about pop culture and stuff like that, and while I loved that, this other student wasn't used to it at all. And her grades were reflecting it.
She was saying how she never gets B's in writing classes, and this teacher was making her hate writing, because it was causing her so much distress, basically. Like, since this teacher didn't seem to like anything she was handing in, and she didn't know how to make it better. She'd met with the teacher one-on-one, and everything, to no avail. So she asked me if I could read what she'd written, after class, and help her out. I stayed and talked to her about it for like a half hour. Since she had such little time left before it was due, I doubt she ended up handing in an A paper because of me, but she did say that I helped. More than the peer reviews in class, and the teacher herself, actually. I enjoy being told that I'm better than the teacher. Hee. She was all "You're good at this," and I got all big-headed. Heh.
It felt good to hear that stuff, too, just because that teacher really liked my papers. Even though I knew she'd given other students in my class lower grades, I still downplayed what she wrote to me always, like "She's just a nice teacher." But I guess not! Heh. I mean, she is nice, but she's fair. It's not like she wrote "you suck" on this girl's paper. But she put down crit, like she was supposed to. She did that a little with some of mine, but on some of them, she didn't write anything at all except "this is really quite good" at the end. Like, that was it. . .
. . .Jayden was quite grouchy that day, crying his little head off. But I also saw him smile, twice! Real smiles this time, not just the gas-induced kind. One of Corinne's friends was holding him, and was rubbing his belly, when he broke out with this smile that seriously melted everything within a five mile radius of him. Like, little old ladies walking by outside, clutched their chests in pain and then collapsed to the ground. CUTE."
I only put the part about the lady because it was something I'll remember as making me feel nice. Because it makes my teacher's comments look even better now, and because the lady said I was so much help, and because it reminded me how nice it feels to teach someone and help them with something. Considering I've thought of being a teacher, that's something to keep in mind.
August 26th: "I haven't been in the greatest of moods, the last few weeks, but it's been even more sour the last week especially, because of the ole Aunt Flo. . .
. . .My lovah was there, and I saw him on our way out. My Mom made me laugh out loud afterward, becuase she was like "Okay, I can see why you like him, now that I've seen him up close. I think I may like him too! With those black pants!" Ha! Whoa there, Mrs. Robinson.
Everytime I start trying to resolve myself to him not being interested in me at all, he shoots me a look or something that makes me hesitate again. I swear, I'll still be wondering about it, fifty years from now. So ridiculous. I'd rather have hope though, even it never goes anywhere. Hopeful crushes are better than nothing, even if they aren't based on any resemblance of reality.
I can't even say either, why I sometimes think the attraction is one-sided (on the part of me, obviously), and why I change my mind, other times. Like I said, it'll just be something retarded like me catching him mid-glance, or something in his eyes. But that's not something you can put down in front of someone, like a piece of evidence. Like "he asked me out." Or "he complimented my outfit." It's just "hey, we made eye-contact, and there was a vibe." Or "I looked up at him, and he was already looking at me.""
There was a vibe though, and even if it was in my mind, I did catch him giving me a below-the-neck stare quite a few times. But I still never knew how he felt about me, beyond that. I'd be scared, asking him out if I ran into him now. But I'd have to kill myself, if I saw him, and didn't.
August 27th: "Aunt Flo arrived that day, so I was in a fairly shit mood, as you can expect. I have been, pretty much every day since. And feeling relatively moody and low, for a few weeks now. I'm stressed out about everything that happened with my doctor, and I need to talk to him about it. On top of that though, I'm stressed about money, and the job situation, and health insurance, and school, and EVERYTHING. I'm trying to take things one step at a time, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. It's hard too, when you have that whole lack of motivation going on. I've had a little black cloud following me around, the last week or so, so I haven't felt much like getting dressed and going out, and dealing with people. . .
. . .I don't know why I have such a hard time being honest, and why I always want to downplay it, but you know, I still get thoughts of death and suicide. I guess it's just that I've had them, off and on, for so long. And it's not like it always means I'm even considering doing anything. Certainly not in a planning stage or whatever. So I don't know how to say anything about it, without making it seem a bigger deal than it is. I had a hard time with that, even when I used to write in a private diary. But, then again, when are thoughts like that ever not important? Usually they just go in and out of my head, though. But sometimes I have the thoughts a little more. Like the last week. I don't mention this to make people worry, or to seek attention, though. Really. I just think I downplay how I feel a lot, and since this is my journal, I should probably be straight-up honest, even when I feel like things aren't significant enough to mention. I mean, when it's stuff that probably is significant, if you look at it objectively."
August 29th: More pictures of Jayden, as a little baby.
August 29th, again: "This is something DOCTORS should know. But they don't. They can't help shit. They know my situation. I've seen countless doctors and neurologists and ear/nose/throat specialists, and God, they're just fucking useless. Not for everyone, but it's pointless to see them anymore. They don't even react when I tell them, or remind them for that matter, of the frequency and severity of my migraines. You'd think they'd be a little more committed to finding someone or something to help AT ALL. Fuck.
What will become of me? I mean, really? If it continues to get worse, what the fuck am I going to do? I just can't even think about it. There's really nothing I can figure to do."
The migraines have gotten worse, this year. And I can't even think about it, because I start really worrying, if I do. Like, about them getting better ever, or getting worse, and ugh.
September 2nd: "In my last entry, I left off with last Saturday (meaning the one before the last). That's the day that my Mom and Joe left, and they've been gone since. They went on a trip to Europe, partly for work and partly for play. . .
. . .I didn't go to class on Monday, kind of like how I didn't go on Tuesday. Nice, I know. It's hard to get myself to go places, when I feel down, and when I know there isn't a strict attendance policy like "if you miss more than two classes, your grade will go down by one." I just didn't want to go, you know? Was definitely feeling like just spending some alone-time this week. Some of it might fall under a desire to hide from life, but I also simply didn't feel like having to be around people. Sometimes, I just need a little time, and eventually I'll come around. I can't let myself be that way forever, but with Mom and Joe being gone, the only one around to judge my decisions has been me. And I was fine with it, so there you go. . .
. . .Anyway, like I've said before, I get those thoughts, off and on. I have for a very long time. As in since I was probably sixteen or seventeen, if you just want to count the years it's been happening on a fairly regular basis. Usually, they come in, upset me for a moment, and then I push them away. It's not always the same. You know, like sometimes, it's almost like just this morbid thing that I can't resist popping into my mind, and that's all it is. Or maybe it's not right to say that's "all" it is, becuase it probably at least signifies a certain feeling of stress or depression in general, even if I'm not recognizing it at the time. But other times, I indulge the thoughts and see where they go, more. And sometimes I feed into them, or bring them up on my own, to begin with. But you get the idea, that it's not always the same.
So, yeah, it was most like the latter there. Tagging along with the thoughts and exploring them to the point where it upset me enough to cry. And it gave way to one of those moments, which I occasionally have, where for a second, or an hour, depending, I consider, I picture, I argue with myself over actions that, again, I just can't make myself say flat-out. They're too ugly. Too harsh. And those moments are not like when I have been consistently considering it for weeks or months on end. They're impulsive, rather, but that doesn't mean they don't still frighten me to a degree. Because I'm still there, for a moment, having my mind say to me "Go. Do it." And "Why shouldn't I? Really?" And "What if I did? How would I? And what would happen afterward?". . .
. . .And, yeah, I do think she's been pretty much straight-up manic, non-stop, since like February. Just sometimes less so, but still pretty constant. She hasn't had any of the big crisis like she used to, going into a psych ward or getting arrested or whatever, but it seems that while it's made her not go off the deep edge, it also has kept her from falling back down. Like, she used to go totally nuts, then would dive back down to depression, and would then sometimes have periods of semi-normalcy. But she's just been mild to moderate manic, forever now. That's not normal for her. And this is another area where maybe before in my life, I'd think a lot about it, and talk to her a lot about it. But now? I seriously am like, "whatever." I mean, I know I will probably talk about it with her some. But I know that whether she changes meds again is up to her. And, again, I really feel like I don't have it in me anymore to invest all that energy into worrying, and trying to control her, when I know I CAN'T."
Right around this point of the year, I was really feeling low, and kind of giving into it. I don't think that helped, in the long run. I felt like I needed to be alone, but I wonder now if maybe so much of it just made me worse. I guess hindsight is always 20/20.
September 5th: "I didn't get to wait around and talk with my lovah after closing, but he was there at least. And, when I was standing next to him before we all left, I turned and saw him giving me this look from head to toe. You know, not a glance that runs smoothly, like a "oh, yeah, that is the same shirt I saw her in last week." (heh) But a look that goes like, head. Torso. Legs. And back up again. He's done it before, most recently when I saw him on associate's night, but this one was slower. Perhaps he's telepathic, and also mischievous. So he knows how I like him, and how I'll decide he's not interested, and will be like "Oh, wouldn't it be funny if I gave her this look that made it seem like I was vaguely checking her out? Haha, what a great joke!". . .
. . .Peppy doesn't annoy me as an MCA nearly as much as she did as a lead. She hasn't bugged me at all so far, really. However, Mary Poppins, the woman they hired to replace her, does bug me."
Mary Poppins was one of the things that made me even more ready to quit my job there. Because even Peppy got on my nerves less, at the peak of her most annoying moments. Poppins just had no tact, and gave the place a more stressful, negative vibe, I thought.
September 10th: "I need to get out of here, y'all. Living here is killing my soul, little by little. And I don't mean that in one of those "his outfit killed my soul" sort of ways. I mean it for real. With my Mom, and then her and Joe together (as a unit, that is. Joe, by himself, I can generally handle), it's all just too much. My way of handling it is hiding, and turning myself off, so to speak. Going numb, and doing all I can to avoid them. I don't even want to go up to the kitchen and make a decent dinner for myself, often enough, when they're here. With my Mom here during the days now, I don't even want to leave my room, or really face my day, until she's out of my sight. Like I can't let go, and engage myself in life, when they're around.
It's not even just about avoiding them, though. I have a very difficult time keeping my head above the water, when it comes to depression, when I'm around them. I'd like to see anyone come and live with them for a month, and manage to stay in a good mood for more than a day at a time. I don't think it's possible, without totally detaching yourself from the situation. But the thing is, when you do that? You're unplugging yourself from the world in general. Because there's no easy way to only do it in one part of your life, and not in the others. Not when it comes to your home-life, and your family. And especially not when you find it interfering with your day-to-day life.
Being alone in the house for a few weeks made it more clear for me. I was depressed a lot, during those weeks, but at least I didn't feel like I had to hide in my room the whole time. I was able to cook for myself, and not be stuck in the middle of that toxic and negative cloud that envelopes the whole house while they're there together. You know? And, plus, it'd be easier for me to start working on the things that are distressing me right now if I felt like it was safe for me to plug back into life, come out of my room, and do things. I mean, fuck, is there one moment during the day, when they're home, that Mom's not talking to herself (or talking at me, and I say "at" for a reason. She doesn't talk TO me, just at me) or her and Joe aren't fighting? It just doesn't seem like it. I can't concentrate, or make phone calls, when that shit's going on. . .
. . .The thing is, I'm not ready yet. But I need to at least bite the bullet, and start down the road toward that goal. Start doing all I can to get me out of here. Not even because I know I need money. But because I can't see myself staying here, without progress toward moving out at least, without losing my mind. It kind of reminds me of that scene in the Neverending Story, where the horse drowns in the swamp. I haven't seen that movie in forever, but the way I remember it, when someone (or something) went into the swamp, if it wasn't careful, the sadness would catch it. And it would take it under. And, eventually, the person or animal would just give in. It wouldn't even try to get out anymore. That's what depression often feels like, for me. I've been there before, I never totally left it, and I've been feeling it rise up again lately. I can't see myself staying here, without at least doing something that makes me feel like there's an end in sight, and a light at the end of the tunnel, and not see me start to give in to the sinking again.
So, in other words, I don't feel like I have much of a choice here. I'm scared to move out, but I can't stay here forever. No way. And I'm not ready yet, but I have to get a move on, so I can at least feel like I'm on my way there. . .
. . .I can't handle her at all anymore. Not any of it. Not the talking to herself, not the constant negativity, not the self-absorbed bitching and ranting, or the childlike selfishness and cruelty. They say to honor your Mother and Father, but what are you supposed to do, in a situation like mine? I do all I can. But is it bad on my part to want to just give it all up? Because obviously I've never been able to really help her, in the long run. And I'm tired of putting all my energy into her, when it should be going more into me, at this age. And I don't want to hurt her, or abandon her, but what am I supposed to do? Sometimes, it doesn't even feel like she's my Mom. She's just this fucking monster. It's hard to maintain that compassion for her, like I owe her something, and shouldn't let her keep on being nuts and fucking everything up for herself without trying to talk her down or stop it all. Because it's like nothing's really there, to listen. She might as well be this brick wall, or a hollow shell that encases what used to be a nice person, and in her place is some person who sneers at everything I say, flips me off, and yells at me for hours on end. Which she did tonight, I might add. All of that."
September 21st: "Mom was apparently sick the whole time they were in Spain, but as usual, no one really knows why. . .
. . .Mom seems to think she never yells at anyone, or does anything wrong. She keeps going on about how evil everyone's become, and how she's not taking our "crap" anymore. Like "if others want to judge me, it's no holds barred in return!" Mind you, "judging" her is only asking her to maybe not yell at you or something. Or asking her why she's sneering at you for no reason. She'll respond--like she did to me, today, when I was telling her something I found out about insurance and she sat there with this bitch-ass smirk on her face for no goddamned reason--like "This is my face, Rachael. This is me. Accept it, or don't! I'm not listening to you people anymore! Judging me!" She doesn't care anymore what others think, she says. So, basically, you can't tell her how you feel, or communicate at all. She's completely belligerent, and irrational. She criticizes everything I do, and everything I don't do. Nothing I do is as good as how she'd do it. And every chance she gets, she threatens to kick me out, basically. Seriously, I can't get to it in this entry (I will in another), but she yelled and screamed at me and picked fights with me over EVERY word that came out of my mouth, yesterday. No joke. Not exaggerating in even the slightest way.
Plus, she keeps ragging on Corinne, with this haughty smirk on her face, talking about how "stupid" she is, how she's practically "illiterate," and how she's a "loser". Isn't she a nice Mother? Yeah. You know what I say to all of it? I may procrastinate and fuck up all the damn time, and Corinne may have dropped out of high school, and may not be able to spell for shit, but neither of us are heartless, miserable old bitches who NO ONE wants to be around. Her husband is sleeping in the spare room right now, because he doesn't want to be around her. Neither of her kids can stand being around her much at all, anymore. Corinne won't let Mom watch Jayden, because she doesn't trust her. Even Joe said he understood, and wouldn't let her either. Her Mother almost never calls her, which I don't blame her for at all, since she was always screamed (and I do mean scream. I don't mean yell.) at whenever she did call, for years. None of her siblings ever talk to her. And she has no friends. But it's all us, you know. She's been nothing but nice to everyone, her whole life, and the world is against her. One of my favorite moments recently though, was after she'd been screaming her head off (to no one, as usual) forever, and I was in the middle of talking to Joe about school and she kept yelling at me in the background for NO reason, and then randomly yelled "I know God! Do you? Do you guys know how to look deeper?" Um, riiight.
Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain!"
Like I said, this year was really bad, for us. I got to a point where I couldn't stand to be near my Mother, at all. It's not perfect now, but it's better. Which of course makes moving on in life and moving out seem more like this scary thing that maybe I don't need to jump into, but then I remember all the bad times here, and know it could happen again. And I remember how even if things here aren't terrible, they still usually aren't great, and just because I'm used to settling for mild soul-sucking dysfunction in my environment doesn't mean I should continue to do it. And anyway, as my sister said to me the other night, if I moved out and realized I couldn't handle it, it's not like I couldn't go home again, and try again later. It's not like it's a point of no return.
September 22nd: "So, guess who just met![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
teleute12 and elevation (from meta)?"
September 23rd: "Several other times, when I've turned to him to say good night or whatever, his eyes do sort of glance down in a checking-you-out kind of way, but I still can't tell if he's simply lowering his eyes and it doesn't mean anything. Because I'm ANNOYING, and the worst judge of men in the universe. Damn, I wish I was. . .Hell, not me. Heh. Really, though. I wish I was one of those girls who's all confident, and can tell when a guy likes her, or at least is willing to be wrong so that she has the balls to ask him out.
If I change jobs and never ask him out though, someone should shoot me in the face. That's all I have to say about that. . .
. . .I still haven't called my doctor again, but I know I need to. I just need to sit myself down, prepare what I'll say, and do it. My anxiety is still way too big a part of my life. Way, way too damn big. And I could just use someone to talk with too, because I've been feeling depressed again lately. I mean, more than I had been for a while, on a regular basis. I need to really get to a point where my anxiety is not the first thing I think of anymore, when I consider going out, or getting a new job, or consider doing something with a friend or even dating. I need to move out of here, so I can have a home that's actually a home. And lastly, I need to deal with my crap-ass self esteem, insecurities, and all the other thoughts and fears that disturb me and bring me down, and keep me from living a better life.
I did finally start looking for a new job. Not because my Mom is harassing me to do it, or even because I don't have enough money to get by even while living here, but because I seriously don't want to live here anymore. Or be dependant upon anyone but myself, ever again. Well, I mean, I know that I might have to ask for help in the future. But I just want to be at a point where I never again feel like I have to pay for a roof over my head with my own sanity and emotional well being. Or feel like I can't take care of myself, and am trapped. . .
. . .I finally did a FAFSA form (federal aid form, for school), last week. I haven't found out yet how much I could receive in actual aid, but I doubt it will be very much since I live at home and Joe makes so much money. . .
. . .I also got my car through the DEQ, and bought new tires for it. . .
. . .I'm still trying to learn to cook, too. It's hard, because I rely on others to teach me, so I'm at their whim. If I had my way, I'd be learning something new like every other night. But now I can make enchiladas (my sister's version, which is a million times simpler than my Mom's. But I'd want to know how to make her's too), spaghetti, cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and the easy stuff that goes along with all of that, which always come with instructions. . .
. . .I tried to sign up for classes, for fall term, but since I'm looking for office jobs (and they're usually during the weekdays), I had to limit my choices to the evening courses. And all the ones I was interested in at all were closed."
I have made a lot of steps this last year toward progress in my life, even when I wasn't psyched about it. Like, even though I'm not all about driving, I'm still going through with it. Even when I didn't have much motivation about getting a new job, I pushed myself forward with it. Hopefully, the satisfaction from these things will come later, but at least I'm not giving in to my depression, with those actions. I mean, I may not feel excited, I may not be able to imagine things making me happy, but I have to do them anyway. And hopefully the happier emotions will just come around, on their own, in time. The important thing is that I don't give into those emotions, in the things I choose to do.
September 28th: Hard times.
And here's where I'll end the second part of this puppy. Third part coming up, next.
Before I post those though, I will say that I spent my New Years Eve getting drunk on a little SoCo (because saying "southern comfort" takes too long for busy gals like me, heh), and it's snowy like MAD outside right now. We're talking past my ankles. I know that's nothing for other places, but it hasn't snowed this much here in years and years, and years. And years. And? Years. I've got to get some film, and take a picture, to mark this now rare occasion.
Now, as promised, here's the second installment of the longest Year In Review Ever. The final part will come, right after.
April 28th: "As for our relationship, um, I don't know. She said today that she realized later that I'm okay, there really isn't anything that wrong with me. She said she flipped out that day, like she'd been self-centered for so long (which, yeah, she is) and just then realized "Oh my God, what am I going to do about Rachael. I need to fix this NOW." And she said she doesn't care what doctor I see, she just wanted to help me. But she didn't want to come down on me like that or fight, anymore. Uh, yeah, neither did I. I can't live like that, never knowing what to expect.
Maybe things really can get better, and it's just been a really bad week. I don't know, I was being optimistic before it, and the fact that shit hit the fan again really kicked that hope in the balls. I still want to be positive, but part of me feels like things will just never be good. I mean, not on a permanent basis. Maybe overall, they could improve, but I'm not going to be all "Yeah, I believe that sort of thing will never happen again!" I'm just not that naive. I just hope things could get better, in general, you know?
But I thought about it, and realized that even if I do want to continue to live here, and things did get better? I still need to work on making it so I feel like I at least have the option of moving out. Not to mention open my options with jobs, and such. If I can. So, I called and left a message with my old doctor today."
May 2nd: "On top of that, oral presentations for the women's studies class start in three weeks. . .
. . .I hope I don't go the first class, not only because I don't want to go first, and because I want to have more time to complete the thing, but also because my doctor won't be back until right around then and I want to talk to him before I do it. You know, to help me prepare. . .
. . .It's frustrating for me, though, because I used to be so good at public speaking. It was a skill I had a bit of a reputation for, and was proud of. It's not like I've suddenly lost the knack for it. That ability has to still be in me. But now it's blocked by fear, and an irrational, obsessive, anxious mind.
And what's really frustrating is how I've struggled lately with things I was mostly okay with for a long time last year, after starting to see my doctor. So even after all the work I've put in with it, and the outward progress I've made, doing this might actually be harder for me than it would've been, say, last fall. Because I kind of seemed to relapse, this year. Hard to pinpoint exactly when, but I definitely have. I mean, it's almost like I'm starting all over again, except with more knowledge and experience. So it's not the same as it was before treatment, but I feel like the anxiety shouldn't be so strong anymore, and yet? It is.
I know the goal is to learn to handle the anxiety, not to just get rid of it entirely. But I'd really like to lessen it, a lot. I'm really tired of how large a part it plays in my life, how it takes over my thinking, and clouds my moods. It's depressing, distracting, and takes away from my enjoyment of things, and my ability to really experience life as it's experienced for people who don't have it. For fuck's sake, I can't even walk to the store, without the entire duration of the trip being shadowed by the constant cycle of anxious thoughts, and almost unwavering self-consciousness. If I'm out long enough, it usually gets better, but I'm so tired of it being a factor in my deciding to go out to begin with, or influencing how I feel about doing so."
As people who read my journal then know, I considered dropping that class for a moment, because of that oral presentation. But I went through with it, and it was a big step for me.
May 3rd: "Kind of crazy, though, because now both my parents will be laid off, and technically unemployed. Nice economy, huh? Let's just hope and pray Joe's job stays secure."
Both of my parents were laid off, this last year. But Dad got a new job in Arizona, and Mom got disability. And Joe got a new, and better, job. One of my aunts who was unemployed most of last year is still unemployed, but I don't really know how hard she's looking, and what the deal is there. One guy who interviewed her and didn't give her the job, knew my Nanny and afterward confessed that he was concerned about giving her the job, because she had such a gloomy, depressed attitude (it involved dealing with customers). Nanny's all worried about her.
May 4th: "At least he made eye contact, and smiled at me! It was when he was singing, and I giggled. Yes, giggled. Look, I'm only human. Heh. And I do turn into a giggling schoolgirl, around guys I like. Big-time.
I could just eat him right up. And no, not like that, pervs. *tries to make admonishing expression, then gives in* Okay, yeah, like that too. Heeee. Naughty!Rachael."
May 7th: Lovah rambling, and my shitty self esteem. I think my favorite line there though is "Like, hi, I'm checking out your booty." Hee. I should've put that on a sign or something. Maybe then he would've gotten it.
May 8th: "I wonder if this Inderal (or Propanolol, whatever, same difference) is making me more moody, and depressed lately too. I know that some of it is due to the anxiety, and other things. But I've just been so tired, and crappy feeling lately. I don't know what's causing what, though. I really want to give it as much of a chance as possible, because I so want it to work."
I gave that medicine a very long chance, but it never helped, and though I did kind of like how I noticed less palpitations with it, in addition to not wanting to use it a crutch for the anxiety, and wanting to save money by not getting it anymore, I also decided to try to get off it again because of concerns that it was increasing depression.
May 9th: "Now, I know you're all wondering "So, did you "meet" any spirit animals? *snicker*" Well, nya, because I did! Hee. Okay, so I'm skeptical, and know fully well that I probably just thought up these animals, and saw them in my mind. But what's the fun in that? If anything, even if spirit animals don't exist at all, I think it's interesting to see what the mind comes up with in such a situation, and what thoughts pop up."
May 14th: "I was all set to kick some middle eastern ass (hee), tonight, but I think I might've missed a couple questions. I had my midterm in Poly Sci, you see. I love it when teachers put questions on the test that weren't on the review, and were barely mentioned in class, and then leave questions out that WERE on the review, and were talked about in great detail in lectures. Haha, what a funny joke!
*glares*
Heh."
Those tests were tricky little bastards, but I still did well in the classes I had with that teacher, which I was proud of.
May 14th, as well: "TinkNGiles: I bought a Snuffy shirt at Hot Topic but it doesn't fit me!:-(
TinkNGiles: For one thing it's waaay higher cut than I thought and it shows my stomach and also my boomba boombas make snuffy look all stretched out and weird
rachmarieg: ever since hot topic opened up at our mall, there's all these snotty ass girls
rachmarieg: hee, boomba boombas
TinkNGiles: tell the snotty girls go HOME!
rachmarieg: mine are more like "beenba beenba" or something
rachmarieg: not very boom
TinkNGiles: hee!
rachmarieg: your boobs are like "YO, BITCH!" and mine are all meek, like "uh, hi?"
rachmarieg: haha
TinkNGiles: my boobs are the pimp and yours are the bitches
rachmarieg: mine are the giggling geisha-type schoolgirls
rachmarieg: i love how i'm giving personalities to my breasts
TinkNGiles: dude, mine GREW
rachmarieg: yours are the big, fat attitude-having black women. they're all "i'm big and i'm beautiful! what, what?"
TinkNGiles: I am now a 38 C. I didn't gain weight if anything I lost it so don't know how or why
rachmarieg: really? what's the secret? these bitches won't grow
rachmarieg: wow, that is really not fair. you get to lose weight, and get bigger boobs
rachmarieg: like the fat migrates
rachmarieg: for the winter, perhaps?
rachmarieg: except it's spring
TinkNGiles: hehe. it's hibernating.
rachmarieg: they're moving north for summer!
rachmarieg: by july they'll end up on your jaw. hahaha
rachmarieg: with lawn chairs"
May 18th: Pictures of my pregnant sis.
May 23rd: "However! Perhaps I need to say it again: I'm covered! Heh. I like almost cried when I found out. It just makes it so much simpler for me to see him, and finish the program. I don't have to feel as guilty about it, now. Because at least I know he's getting paid properly. I just need to call him and make an appointment.
Interrupting here, can I just say that I can't believe how fast the last year has gone by? Oh my God. This time last year, I was just starting to really post at TWoP, and not this Saturday but the next will be my one year anniversary at Meta. I also started seeing my doctor around this time last year, and now I'll be seeing him again. It feels like a second ago that I went back to work, last summer. Like yesterday that I was happy it was almost Fall, so we could get rid of all the swimsuits in kids, since they were all together on these clearance racks, totally fucking messed up, and always falling off their hangers. Now, all the swimsuits are back on the floor, and it's all deja vu. Coming up at the end of July/beginning of August, my sister will be having a baby. A freaking BABY. That time last year, collectively speaking, we were all jumping on our beds in our hotel room in Mexico, still similar enough in size for Corinne to constantly try and steal my clothes, and together we would watch A Wedding Story and a Baby Story on TLC, and she'd roll her eyes, pretending none of it was for her. See what I mean? Weirdness."
I'm without insurance again now, but getting it for that period of time helped give me the push I needed to contact my old psychologist again. And yeah, there's been a crazy amount of changes, over the last few years, when I look back.
May 28th: "-Dad got a job in Phoenix (Arizona, for you non-Americans). It was wicked short-notice, and he's leaving on Friday. Mary and Kyle will stay up here until the house sells, and then they'll move down there too.
-Which means I very likely will be out of insurance again then. Figures that I find that out the very day that I found out my doctor was covered, huh?"
June 6th: "You know though when crushes get to that point where they start being kind of frustrating, and mess with your feelings of self worth? No, just me? Right, then. Of course my feelings of self worth go all over the place without him to begin with. I swear, one moment, I'm looking in the mirror like "How YOU doin'!" and the next I'm like "God, could I BE any plainer or more pathetic?" Nutjob.
As you know, I'm seeing my doctor again now too. He made me promise I'd finish the program with him this time, even if I lose my insurance, and can't pay him fully."
June 11th: "As for class, I found out my score for the geography quiz I took last week. 100%! Holla! Hee. . .
. . .The final was kind of difficult, for the same reasons the midterm was a little hard. The teacher put stuff on there that wasn't on the review, and I hardly even remember ever being mentioned, meanwhile he left out big stuff that I actually studied. And some of the other questions were almost trick-questions. . .
. . .He graded it while we watched the second movie, and even though he might change more later upon closer inspection, we got our basic scores. Mine was 62/60, after the extra points were added. Hell yizzah!"
I'm obviously not as good on the geography now as I was then, because you start forgetting stuff after a while, but I'm still pretty smooth with it because of those quizzes. And even if I've forgotten some, I know I could easily go back and review, and I'd be back to knowing every country on Earth. Which is always fun, because of how insanely ignorant most people are of geography, so when you aren't, you get to walk around like hot shit. Hee. Yeah, I have no shame. I'm all "Who here knows where Togo is? Oh, that's right, me! I forgot! What up! You want some of this?" Heh, then the person just punches me, like "who's hot shit now, bitch? That's right, keep crying."
June 17th: Giving an oral presentation again, and finishing my first term back at school.
June 18th: "Apparently, they have some new test with which they can find out whether you'll probably deliver within a week or whatever, and Corinne tested positive for it. Even though she still seemed to be dilated to just one. But they put her in the hospital tonight, and they're going to give her more drugs to try to stop the contractions, if possible. If they stop, then they'll let her leave after a couple days. And if not, well, Happy Birthday, Jaden!
Or perhaps I should say Jayden, because now Lance is saying he thinks it looks better that way."
June 20th: "My classes ended up kind of getting decided for me, since a bunch of them turned out to be full. They didn't even have waitlists. So, Spanish, Writing, and the Psych class were all out of the picture. I ended up choosing one math class, and a Global Politics class, which will be taught by the same teacher I had for my middle east class this last term. Yeah, I know, he wasn't perfect, but I did learn quite a bit in that class, so hopefully I will again with this one. Hopefully we'll have time to ask questions this time too, although I won't be surprised if we can't, since the class is only a month long. But we do meet twice a week. I guess I'll just find out. Let's also hope Question Quigley doesn't decide to sign up as well. Good God."
July 3rd: Getting through insecurities, or at least trying to.
July 4th: "Corinne's in the hospital now, almost completely effaced, and dilated to three. I was going to go over to Dad's, but I'll be going to be with her now"
July 4th: "After class, a guy approached me and started up a conversation. Let's call him Keanu."
Poor Keanu. I hope he got over that whole mess, fairly quickly. You would think being a rejector rather than the rejectee would be easy, but it isn't. Of course, I do have a conscience, so that doesn't help.
July 5th: "I talked to Keanu after class, about class, and politics and the middle east and stuff like that. He said to me "I have to say, you're a very interesting person. I mean, I observe people, it's just something I do. Observe their traits and characteristics and stuff. And you're very intriguing." Heh, well! Ms. Fascinating, over here. . .
. . .Her belly looks like a basketball now. It's crazy. I took some pictures there, and Lance also took a few home videos clips. They're gonna be so funny, I bet, like twenty years from now. We're all complaining to him about how he won't come out, and how we've been waiting for him. Lance got a shot of just the clock, and then popped in front of it and just pointed at it with this face, like "Look what you've done." Hee."
Ah, yes, the Fourth of July. Got spent in a hospital room, this year, because of Jayden and his in utero stubbornness. That trait hasn't disappeared, either.
July 7th: "My hands smell like baby. Probably because I was just holding one. One that happenned to be MY NEPHEW.
Hahaha. Or, in other words, a freaking BABY just came out of my SISTER. I'm still a little in shock over it. Like, she was pregnant forever, but now it's like "Oh my God, there really was a baby in there. That's the little dude who's been tap dancing on Corinne's bladder, all this time!" I just stared at him, thinking "That came out of my sister, the one who used to walk around in the Goofy slippers." Heh. Seriously, though. Unbelievable.
And, by the way, he is the CUTEST newborn I've ever seen. He cried some at first, but calmed down really quickly. Then he didn't even cry at all, as everyone passed him around, and cameras were flashed constantly. Just kept yawning (AH! Hee. So! Fucking! CUTE!), and licking his lips. Making tiny baby noises. And every once in a while, he'd try to open his eyes. I was like "I can't handle it, he's too cute! I wanna just eat him up!" And Lance's Mom was like "You sound like that guy in Austin Powers." Hee. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, ribs.[/singing]"
July 9th: "Keanu sent me an email the other night, and I responded. In it, he thanked me for "being so nice and friendly" to him. Aw. That's sweet, but almost kind of sad. He says he has kind of a hard time meeting people and stuff, but you know, whenever I'm around him, guys stop and say hello, knowing him from one class or another. I relate though. It is seriously hard making friends there."
July 11th: Pictures of my nephew as a newborn.
July 16th: "I wanna be like "Asshole! You don't have a say, here! What part of that don't you understand? Just use it! You think you can fold without it, but you can't fold it correctly! Look at those shirts, they're all different sizes! None of them look as neat as they should! Do you not have eyes?"
Hee. Then I pick up the folding table and beat the person with it."
Heh, work-rage, nothing like it. Especially in retail. Makes me think of that joke in the Kings of Comedy special, about how there's always at least one person at your work who is *this close* to getting their ass kicked by you, and they don't even know it. Hee. So true.
July 21st: "Even while sleeping, Jayden never stops making all sorts of funny expressions. He gets this serious look on his face that reminds me so much of Kyle, when he was a baby. Then he raises his eyebrows like something is shocking him, followed by sticking his tongue out for no reason. Hee. He's always sticking that tongue out, and licking his lips. Not to mention sucking on his lower lip. He does that constantly.
Newborns are awe-inspiring, you know? It's so crazy to think that the little feet kicking in the air as I hold him are the same ones that I felt through Corinne's stomach, only a few weeks ago. And they're so totally helpless. They can't even support their own heads. Kind of brings out a "must protect him from the world!" feeling in you. Especially when it's your nephew, and he's wearing a little red onesie with a Pooh Bear on it. Hee. And did I mention it had footies? Because it did. So. Cute. . .
. . .Mom and I finally went out to lunch with that friend of her's, which we'd been planning on doing forever. Let's call her Sunshine, since she's very chipper. . .
. . .Honey talked to Chakra, she told me, all "Why you not give Rachael more hours? She does beautiful work, hon'! I love her. She needs money. Come on." Hee, I love Honey so much."
You know, there must be something about that tongue deal with newborns, because my cousin's new baby girl does it too. Strange.
And regarding the lunch I went to with Mom and her "friend," that was actually the first time I ate out with a basic stranger, really, in about two years.
I added the Honey part too, just because I thought some work-talk had to be stuck in here, more. And I worked with Honey, all year. She was a sweetheart, even though she bugged me a few times.
July 30th: "One of the things I have started to see, over the last year or so, is that "perfection" is not even always that great. Like my doctor was saying to me recently, that many people might be attracted to someone who is able to show their vulnerable side, or their sensitivity. I know that I can feel closer to someone once they let down their guard around me, and often find myself endeared to another when I can see that they're less than perfect. Especially if they're normally composed, or seem out of reach. I thought of this again recently, when talking to Sunshine. I'd like to see more of the overcast skies that I know must exist with her. Not that I want to see her less than happy, but she almost seems like she puts on this front of cheerfulness and stuff, although maybe that really is just her. I'd probably feel a bit more at ease around her though, if I saw that she wasn't always on top of the world. . .
. . .After class, I was going to wait and find out my grade to the final immediately (but then left, because the teacher still wasn't back, and I knew Mom was waiting), so I stood around and talked to Keanu. Just when I was starting to think he did want to be just friends, he asked me out. Dang. I had to tell him no. I still feel bad, but I am proud of myself for being honest this time. . .
. . .So, I told him that I thought it'd be better if we were just friends. And I thought at first that maybe it could work, without it being too terribly awkward, if he handled it like "Okay. Let's be friends, then. I'm disappointed, but I'll handle it." Not making a production out of it, in other words. You know? But, uh, yeah. I underestimated how he felt, obviously. He seriously looked ready to cry, and his eyes were all intense and sad. It's pretty clear that he wasn't just interested, he was kind of infatuated. Or is, I should say."
Well, even if I felt bad for that, at least I got some serious flattery out of the deal. It's just too bad I couldn't have been hearing that from someone I liked in return.
July 31st: "He farted while I was there, which I thought was priceless. He was in his crib, and I was cooing over him, and then he ripped one. Haha. I was so shocked, like "Oh, my God, did he just fart?" And Corinne was like "He does it all the time!"
I'm a lost cause, though, because even his farts are cute to me at this point. He burps, and I'm like "Aww!". . .
. . .There weren't many people in my class though, and not all of them are even young, either. I still feel self conscious in it, because I feel like I've asked several dumb questions so far, but I've pretty much calmed down about the whole thing."
August 1st: "Last night, I went and did one of those double sessions with my doctor, wherein I wrote checks at about five places. The writing in and of itself went well, but he wanted me to intentionally make my hand look like it was shaking, and go so far as to say to the cashier that I had to write a new check. I didn't expect him to ask me to do that yet, and I got upset about it. I did make my hand shake a little, but couldn't do the part where I ripped up the check, and wrote a new one.
I'm still feeling unhappy about it, and before I do something like that with him again in a few weeks, I'll need to talk more with him about it, and how it made me feel. I thought we were taking things one step at a time, and I obviously wasn't ready to just leap ahead like that. I don't know. I'm feeling stressed out about the whole thing. We need to take this slower or something, and talk about it more. It's already hard enough for me to think of shaking in front of someone for real, and the pretending part of it actually makes me more nervous. I don't like acting things out. Ughhhh. Want to pull my hair out, right now."
I think that entire thing was the trigger for the increase in my depression, this fall. I had already been moody before it, but it didn't help at all, and there was a marked descent in my moods, after it. Of course it didn't help at all that I waited so long afterward to see my doctor again. But it was a difficult part of the treatment to reach, and I still feel like even if I'm making progress, it's very slow, and almost feel as if there's a wall in front of me, this huge hurdle, and I don't know how to get past it. Mainly, "it" being me looking strange in front of someone like that.
August 9th: "Dad's insanely in love with Arizona. Every other word that comes from his mouth involves the word Arizona, or Phoenix. Seriously. Kyle was like "God, would you shut up?" Heh! It reminded me of the Evil Goldfish episode on South Park, where Cartman keeps saying "hella" all the time, and they're all "Would you stop saying hella!" We watched that this weekend too, actually. But anyway. He's been doing it ever since he went down there, and after like five more minutes of it in the car, I broke out the 10 year old in me, and was like "Why don't you marry it then?" Haha. Ba dump bump. Kyle and I took to making fun of Dad by relating everything to Arizona, too. Like there was a shitload of traffic, and we were all "This wouldn't happen in Arizona!"
It really is funny though, because Dad's all "Arizona represent, HOLLA!" now. Like that's his home state, where he was born and raised. Traitor! Heh. He compares everything in Oregon to it, and acts like allergies cease to exist there, and even though it'll be like 115 degrees, it's so dry that it feels better than eighty five degree weather here. Dad actually said those things, you know. It was in the lower-to-mid seventies that day, and he was like "I'm miserable, right now! I'd rather be in Arizona! It's so dry, it feels like nothing compared to this!" Kyle, who had just been down there (along with Mary, while they were house-hunting. Apparently it went up to like 117 degrees), turned and gave me this look like "NO. Okay? No. Jackass." Hee. I guess he practically got heat exhaustion, just going from the car to the houses. Sheesh. Kind of a rough place to be, during the summer months. But it is supposed to be nice, the rest of the year. . .
. . .Speaking of going there too, they pretty much said I could go down there for as long as I want, whenever I want. They did say though that it would be better to wait a few weeks at least, so that they could get settled in. And because the weather is so brutal still. . .
. . .I made sure to get his AIM name and his email, so that I could try to stay in better touch with him, aside from just the visits that we're able to swing. Obviously, I won't say what they are, but I have to say that one at least includes the words "Mr. Bojangles", because that cracked me up. Hee. You know, from the "Dogshow" sketch? Someone in this room has an awful lot of pizazz and charisma! And that someone is. . .MR. BOJANGLES! Haha.
I'm going to miss having them close. It was inevitable that sooner or later I wouldn't be able to go over for entire weekends anymore on a regular basis, but I didn't expect that they'd move out of state (back before Dad lost his previous job, I mean). But, you know, at least I get free vacations out of this, and when I do see them now, it'll probably be for at least a week at a time or something like that. If they still lived here, and I stopped going over for the weekends, then I'd probably just see them for an evening here or there. It's kind of like what happened between one of my aunts, and Nanny. When she lived across state, Nanny said they actually spent more valuable time together than when she lived in the same town. Because when they were a distance apart, they'd put in an effort to see each other for good periods of time, and wouldn't take those times for granted. When you live in the same town though, you often just go to dinner every now and then, or stop by the house for an hour. It's just different. So, maybe there's something to be said for not living close to people always, and that expression of "distance makes the heart grow fonder.""
I've got to start emailing my brother there more. I'm kind of worried we'll grow apart, with him getting older and living so far away, and don't want it to happen. I mean, some of it is inevitable, but I'd like to still be a part of his life. I don't want him to forget he has an older sister, or something. It would make me really sad.
August 12th: "So, a surprising thing happened last Sunday night. Those of you who kept up with my posts at meta, last fall, might remember me talking about a friend of mine in rl, who abruptly ended the friendship. . .
. . .I honestly didn't expect to hear from her ever again, but she sent me an email last week, saying how she was sure I hated her now, but that she wanted to let me know that she felt she'd made a mistake, and that she still thought of me and cared about me. And wanted to know how I was doing, if I was willing to respond."
Right, the Amy thing. That did completely come out of nowhere, for me. I didn't expect it whatsoever. Our friendship is odd, now. I don't really trust her, and talking with her about problems is kind of difficult because she's one of those people that is all "Hmm, I don't know what to say, but you know it'll get better!" And she still makes me laugh sometimes, but things are just not the same. They were weird for a while before our split, last year, anyway. I think our friendship is just one of those that is hard to keep up, only through email. I'm glad we talk again now though, if only because it made me feel better about myself and how everything had gone down, before.
August 21st: "Four guys that we both used to go to High School with got in a van accident a few weeks ago, and three of them died. They were all members of a band together, and you can actually read about it, here."
August 22nd: "There's a woman in my class who sits next to me, and I talk to her sometimes. I'm not sure how old she is, but I bet she's somewhere around thirty. Can't be older than that, since she was young enough in the mid-eighties to play with Jem dolls. Anyway, I found out that she has a writing class right now with a teacher I had in the past, who I really liked. This lady is having a hard time with her though, and was stressed out that day since she had a paper due the next morning (about the aforementioned Jem dolls, actually). That teacher uses a book that discusses writing about pop culture and stuff like that, and while I loved that, this other student wasn't used to it at all. And her grades were reflecting it.
She was saying how she never gets B's in writing classes, and this teacher was making her hate writing, because it was causing her so much distress, basically. Like, since this teacher didn't seem to like anything she was handing in, and she didn't know how to make it better. She'd met with the teacher one-on-one, and everything, to no avail. So she asked me if I could read what she'd written, after class, and help her out. I stayed and talked to her about it for like a half hour. Since she had such little time left before it was due, I doubt she ended up handing in an A paper because of me, but she did say that I helped. More than the peer reviews in class, and the teacher herself, actually. I enjoy being told that I'm better than the teacher. Hee. She was all "You're good at this," and I got all big-headed. Heh.
It felt good to hear that stuff, too, just because that teacher really liked my papers. Even though I knew she'd given other students in my class lower grades, I still downplayed what she wrote to me always, like "She's just a nice teacher." But I guess not! Heh. I mean, she is nice, but she's fair. It's not like she wrote "you suck" on this girl's paper. But she put down crit, like she was supposed to. She did that a little with some of mine, but on some of them, she didn't write anything at all except "this is really quite good" at the end. Like, that was it. . .
. . .Jayden was quite grouchy that day, crying his little head off. But I also saw him smile, twice! Real smiles this time, not just the gas-induced kind. One of Corinne's friends was holding him, and was rubbing his belly, when he broke out with this smile that seriously melted everything within a five mile radius of him. Like, little old ladies walking by outside, clutched their chests in pain and then collapsed to the ground. CUTE."
I only put the part about the lady because it was something I'll remember as making me feel nice. Because it makes my teacher's comments look even better now, and because the lady said I was so much help, and because it reminded me how nice it feels to teach someone and help them with something. Considering I've thought of being a teacher, that's something to keep in mind.
August 26th: "I haven't been in the greatest of moods, the last few weeks, but it's been even more sour the last week especially, because of the ole Aunt Flo. . .
. . .My lovah was there, and I saw him on our way out. My Mom made me laugh out loud afterward, becuase she was like "Okay, I can see why you like him, now that I've seen him up close. I think I may like him too! With those black pants!" Ha! Whoa there, Mrs. Robinson.
Everytime I start trying to resolve myself to him not being interested in me at all, he shoots me a look or something that makes me hesitate again. I swear, I'll still be wondering about it, fifty years from now. So ridiculous. I'd rather have hope though, even it never goes anywhere. Hopeful crushes are better than nothing, even if they aren't based on any resemblance of reality.
I can't even say either, why I sometimes think the attraction is one-sided (on the part of me, obviously), and why I change my mind, other times. Like I said, it'll just be something retarded like me catching him mid-glance, or something in his eyes. But that's not something you can put down in front of someone, like a piece of evidence. Like "he asked me out." Or "he complimented my outfit." It's just "hey, we made eye-contact, and there was a vibe." Or "I looked up at him, and he was already looking at me.""
There was a vibe though, and even if it was in my mind, I did catch him giving me a below-the-neck stare quite a few times. But I still never knew how he felt about me, beyond that. I'd be scared, asking him out if I ran into him now. But I'd have to kill myself, if I saw him, and didn't.
August 27th: "Aunt Flo arrived that day, so I was in a fairly shit mood, as you can expect. I have been, pretty much every day since. And feeling relatively moody and low, for a few weeks now. I'm stressed out about everything that happened with my doctor, and I need to talk to him about it. On top of that though, I'm stressed about money, and the job situation, and health insurance, and school, and EVERYTHING. I'm trying to take things one step at a time, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. It's hard too, when you have that whole lack of motivation going on. I've had a little black cloud following me around, the last week or so, so I haven't felt much like getting dressed and going out, and dealing with people. . .
. . .I don't know why I have such a hard time being honest, and why I always want to downplay it, but you know, I still get thoughts of death and suicide. I guess it's just that I've had them, off and on, for so long. And it's not like it always means I'm even considering doing anything. Certainly not in a planning stage or whatever. So I don't know how to say anything about it, without making it seem a bigger deal than it is. I had a hard time with that, even when I used to write in a private diary. But, then again, when are thoughts like that ever not important? Usually they just go in and out of my head, though. But sometimes I have the thoughts a little more. Like the last week. I don't mention this to make people worry, or to seek attention, though. Really. I just think I downplay how I feel a lot, and since this is my journal, I should probably be straight-up honest, even when I feel like things aren't significant enough to mention. I mean, when it's stuff that probably is significant, if you look at it objectively."
August 29th: More pictures of Jayden, as a little baby.
August 29th, again: "This is something DOCTORS should know. But they don't. They can't help shit. They know my situation. I've seen countless doctors and neurologists and ear/nose/throat specialists, and God, they're just fucking useless. Not for everyone, but it's pointless to see them anymore. They don't even react when I tell them, or remind them for that matter, of the frequency and severity of my migraines. You'd think they'd be a little more committed to finding someone or something to help AT ALL. Fuck.
What will become of me? I mean, really? If it continues to get worse, what the fuck am I going to do? I just can't even think about it. There's really nothing I can figure to do."
The migraines have gotten worse, this year. And I can't even think about it, because I start really worrying, if I do. Like, about them getting better ever, or getting worse, and ugh.
September 2nd: "In my last entry, I left off with last Saturday (meaning the one before the last). That's the day that my Mom and Joe left, and they've been gone since. They went on a trip to Europe, partly for work and partly for play. . .
. . .I didn't go to class on Monday, kind of like how I didn't go on Tuesday. Nice, I know. It's hard to get myself to go places, when I feel down, and when I know there isn't a strict attendance policy like "if you miss more than two classes, your grade will go down by one." I just didn't want to go, you know? Was definitely feeling like just spending some alone-time this week. Some of it might fall under a desire to hide from life, but I also simply didn't feel like having to be around people. Sometimes, I just need a little time, and eventually I'll come around. I can't let myself be that way forever, but with Mom and Joe being gone, the only one around to judge my decisions has been me. And I was fine with it, so there you go. . .
. . .Anyway, like I've said before, I get those thoughts, off and on. I have for a very long time. As in since I was probably sixteen or seventeen, if you just want to count the years it's been happening on a fairly regular basis. Usually, they come in, upset me for a moment, and then I push them away. It's not always the same. You know, like sometimes, it's almost like just this morbid thing that I can't resist popping into my mind, and that's all it is. Or maybe it's not right to say that's "all" it is, becuase it probably at least signifies a certain feeling of stress or depression in general, even if I'm not recognizing it at the time. But other times, I indulge the thoughts and see where they go, more. And sometimes I feed into them, or bring them up on my own, to begin with. But you get the idea, that it's not always the same.
So, yeah, it was most like the latter there. Tagging along with the thoughts and exploring them to the point where it upset me enough to cry. And it gave way to one of those moments, which I occasionally have, where for a second, or an hour, depending, I consider, I picture, I argue with myself over actions that, again, I just can't make myself say flat-out. They're too ugly. Too harsh. And those moments are not like when I have been consistently considering it for weeks or months on end. They're impulsive, rather, but that doesn't mean they don't still frighten me to a degree. Because I'm still there, for a moment, having my mind say to me "Go. Do it." And "Why shouldn't I? Really?" And "What if I did? How would I? And what would happen afterward?". . .
. . .And, yeah, I do think she's been pretty much straight-up manic, non-stop, since like February. Just sometimes less so, but still pretty constant. She hasn't had any of the big crisis like she used to, going into a psych ward or getting arrested or whatever, but it seems that while it's made her not go off the deep edge, it also has kept her from falling back down. Like, she used to go totally nuts, then would dive back down to depression, and would then sometimes have periods of semi-normalcy. But she's just been mild to moderate manic, forever now. That's not normal for her. And this is another area where maybe before in my life, I'd think a lot about it, and talk to her a lot about it. But now? I seriously am like, "whatever." I mean, I know I will probably talk about it with her some. But I know that whether she changes meds again is up to her. And, again, I really feel like I don't have it in me anymore to invest all that energy into worrying, and trying to control her, when I know I CAN'T."
Right around this point of the year, I was really feeling low, and kind of giving into it. I don't think that helped, in the long run. I felt like I needed to be alone, but I wonder now if maybe so much of it just made me worse. I guess hindsight is always 20/20.
September 5th: "I didn't get to wait around and talk with my lovah after closing, but he was there at least. And, when I was standing next to him before we all left, I turned and saw him giving me this look from head to toe. You know, not a glance that runs smoothly, like a "oh, yeah, that is the same shirt I saw her in last week." (heh) But a look that goes like, head. Torso. Legs. And back up again. He's done it before, most recently when I saw him on associate's night, but this one was slower. Perhaps he's telepathic, and also mischievous. So he knows how I like him, and how I'll decide he's not interested, and will be like "Oh, wouldn't it be funny if I gave her this look that made it seem like I was vaguely checking her out? Haha, what a great joke!". . .
. . .Peppy doesn't annoy me as an MCA nearly as much as she did as a lead. She hasn't bugged me at all so far, really. However, Mary Poppins, the woman they hired to replace her, does bug me."
Mary Poppins was one of the things that made me even more ready to quit my job there. Because even Peppy got on my nerves less, at the peak of her most annoying moments. Poppins just had no tact, and gave the place a more stressful, negative vibe, I thought.
September 10th: "I need to get out of here, y'all. Living here is killing my soul, little by little. And I don't mean that in one of those "his outfit killed my soul" sort of ways. I mean it for real. With my Mom, and then her and Joe together (as a unit, that is. Joe, by himself, I can generally handle), it's all just too much. My way of handling it is hiding, and turning myself off, so to speak. Going numb, and doing all I can to avoid them. I don't even want to go up to the kitchen and make a decent dinner for myself, often enough, when they're here. With my Mom here during the days now, I don't even want to leave my room, or really face my day, until she's out of my sight. Like I can't let go, and engage myself in life, when they're around.
It's not even just about avoiding them, though. I have a very difficult time keeping my head above the water, when it comes to depression, when I'm around them. I'd like to see anyone come and live with them for a month, and manage to stay in a good mood for more than a day at a time. I don't think it's possible, without totally detaching yourself from the situation. But the thing is, when you do that? You're unplugging yourself from the world in general. Because there's no easy way to only do it in one part of your life, and not in the others. Not when it comes to your home-life, and your family. And especially not when you find it interfering with your day-to-day life.
Being alone in the house for a few weeks made it more clear for me. I was depressed a lot, during those weeks, but at least I didn't feel like I had to hide in my room the whole time. I was able to cook for myself, and not be stuck in the middle of that toxic and negative cloud that envelopes the whole house while they're there together. You know? And, plus, it'd be easier for me to start working on the things that are distressing me right now if I felt like it was safe for me to plug back into life, come out of my room, and do things. I mean, fuck, is there one moment during the day, when they're home, that Mom's not talking to herself (or talking at me, and I say "at" for a reason. She doesn't talk TO me, just at me) or her and Joe aren't fighting? It just doesn't seem like it. I can't concentrate, or make phone calls, when that shit's going on. . .
. . .The thing is, I'm not ready yet. But I need to at least bite the bullet, and start down the road toward that goal. Start doing all I can to get me out of here. Not even because I know I need money. But because I can't see myself staying here, without progress toward moving out at least, without losing my mind. It kind of reminds me of that scene in the Neverending Story, where the horse drowns in the swamp. I haven't seen that movie in forever, but the way I remember it, when someone (or something) went into the swamp, if it wasn't careful, the sadness would catch it. And it would take it under. And, eventually, the person or animal would just give in. It wouldn't even try to get out anymore. That's what depression often feels like, for me. I've been there before, I never totally left it, and I've been feeling it rise up again lately. I can't see myself staying here, without at least doing something that makes me feel like there's an end in sight, and a light at the end of the tunnel, and not see me start to give in to the sinking again.
So, in other words, I don't feel like I have much of a choice here. I'm scared to move out, but I can't stay here forever. No way. And I'm not ready yet, but I have to get a move on, so I can at least feel like I'm on my way there. . .
. . .I can't handle her at all anymore. Not any of it. Not the talking to herself, not the constant negativity, not the self-absorbed bitching and ranting, or the childlike selfishness and cruelty. They say to honor your Mother and Father, but what are you supposed to do, in a situation like mine? I do all I can. But is it bad on my part to want to just give it all up? Because obviously I've never been able to really help her, in the long run. And I'm tired of putting all my energy into her, when it should be going more into me, at this age. And I don't want to hurt her, or abandon her, but what am I supposed to do? Sometimes, it doesn't even feel like she's my Mom. She's just this fucking monster. It's hard to maintain that compassion for her, like I owe her something, and shouldn't let her keep on being nuts and fucking everything up for herself without trying to talk her down or stop it all. Because it's like nothing's really there, to listen. She might as well be this brick wall, or a hollow shell that encases what used to be a nice person, and in her place is some person who sneers at everything I say, flips me off, and yells at me for hours on end. Which she did tonight, I might add. All of that."
September 21st: "Mom was apparently sick the whole time they were in Spain, but as usual, no one really knows why. . .
. . .Mom seems to think she never yells at anyone, or does anything wrong. She keeps going on about how evil everyone's become, and how she's not taking our "crap" anymore. Like "if others want to judge me, it's no holds barred in return!" Mind you, "judging" her is only asking her to maybe not yell at you or something. Or asking her why she's sneering at you for no reason. She'll respond--like she did to me, today, when I was telling her something I found out about insurance and she sat there with this bitch-ass smirk on her face for no goddamned reason--like "This is my face, Rachael. This is me. Accept it, or don't! I'm not listening to you people anymore! Judging me!" She doesn't care anymore what others think, she says. So, basically, you can't tell her how you feel, or communicate at all. She's completely belligerent, and irrational. She criticizes everything I do, and everything I don't do. Nothing I do is as good as how she'd do it. And every chance she gets, she threatens to kick me out, basically. Seriously, I can't get to it in this entry (I will in another), but she yelled and screamed at me and picked fights with me over EVERY word that came out of my mouth, yesterday. No joke. Not exaggerating in even the slightest way.
Plus, she keeps ragging on Corinne, with this haughty smirk on her face, talking about how "stupid" she is, how she's practically "illiterate," and how she's a "loser". Isn't she a nice Mother? Yeah. You know what I say to all of it? I may procrastinate and fuck up all the damn time, and Corinne may have dropped out of high school, and may not be able to spell for shit, but neither of us are heartless, miserable old bitches who NO ONE wants to be around. Her husband is sleeping in the spare room right now, because he doesn't want to be around her. Neither of her kids can stand being around her much at all, anymore. Corinne won't let Mom watch Jayden, because she doesn't trust her. Even Joe said he understood, and wouldn't let her either. Her Mother almost never calls her, which I don't blame her for at all, since she was always screamed (and I do mean scream. I don't mean yell.) at whenever she did call, for years. None of her siblings ever talk to her. And she has no friends. But it's all us, you know. She's been nothing but nice to everyone, her whole life, and the world is against her. One of my favorite moments recently though, was after she'd been screaming her head off (to no one, as usual) forever, and I was in the middle of talking to Joe about school and she kept yelling at me in the background for NO reason, and then randomly yelled "I know God! Do you? Do you guys know how to look deeper?" Um, riiight.
Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain!"
Like I said, this year was really bad, for us. I got to a point where I couldn't stand to be near my Mother, at all. It's not perfect now, but it's better. Which of course makes moving on in life and moving out seem more like this scary thing that maybe I don't need to jump into, but then I remember all the bad times here, and know it could happen again. And I remember how even if things here aren't terrible, they still usually aren't great, and just because I'm used to settling for mild soul-sucking dysfunction in my environment doesn't mean I should continue to do it. And anyway, as my sister said to me the other night, if I moved out and realized I couldn't handle it, it's not like I couldn't go home again, and try again later. It's not like it's a point of no return.
September 22nd: "So, guess who just met
teleute12 and elevation (from meta)?"September 23rd: "Several other times, when I've turned to him to say good night or whatever, his eyes do sort of glance down in a checking-you-out kind of way, but I still can't tell if he's simply lowering his eyes and it doesn't mean anything. Because I'm ANNOYING, and the worst judge of men in the universe. Damn, I wish I was. . .Hell, not me. Heh. Really, though. I wish I was one of those girls who's all confident, and can tell when a guy likes her, or at least is willing to be wrong so that she has the balls to ask him out.
If I change jobs and never ask him out though, someone should shoot me in the face. That's all I have to say about that. . .
. . .I still haven't called my doctor again, but I know I need to. I just need to sit myself down, prepare what I'll say, and do it. My anxiety is still way too big a part of my life. Way, way too damn big. And I could just use someone to talk with too, because I've been feeling depressed again lately. I mean, more than I had been for a while, on a regular basis. I need to really get to a point where my anxiety is not the first thing I think of anymore, when I consider going out, or getting a new job, or consider doing something with a friend or even dating. I need to move out of here, so I can have a home that's actually a home. And lastly, I need to deal with my crap-ass self esteem, insecurities, and all the other thoughts and fears that disturb me and bring me down, and keep me from living a better life.
I did finally start looking for a new job. Not because my Mom is harassing me to do it, or even because I don't have enough money to get by even while living here, but because I seriously don't want to live here anymore. Or be dependant upon anyone but myself, ever again. Well, I mean, I know that I might have to ask for help in the future. But I just want to be at a point where I never again feel like I have to pay for a roof over my head with my own sanity and emotional well being. Or feel like I can't take care of myself, and am trapped. . .
. . .I finally did a FAFSA form (federal aid form, for school), last week. I haven't found out yet how much I could receive in actual aid, but I doubt it will be very much since I live at home and Joe makes so much money. . .
. . .I also got my car through the DEQ, and bought new tires for it. . .
. . .I'm still trying to learn to cook, too. It's hard, because I rely on others to teach me, so I'm at their whim. If I had my way, I'd be learning something new like every other night. But now I can make enchiladas (my sister's version, which is a million times simpler than my Mom's. But I'd want to know how to make her's too), spaghetti, cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and the easy stuff that goes along with all of that, which always come with instructions. . .
. . .I tried to sign up for classes, for fall term, but since I'm looking for office jobs (and they're usually during the weekdays), I had to limit my choices to the evening courses. And all the ones I was interested in at all were closed."
I have made a lot of steps this last year toward progress in my life, even when I wasn't psyched about it. Like, even though I'm not all about driving, I'm still going through with it. Even when I didn't have much motivation about getting a new job, I pushed myself forward with it. Hopefully, the satisfaction from these things will come later, but at least I'm not giving in to my depression, with those actions. I mean, I may not feel excited, I may not be able to imagine things making me happy, but I have to do them anyway. And hopefully the happier emotions will just come around, on their own, in time. The important thing is that I don't give into those emotions, in the things I choose to do.
September 28th: Hard times.
And here's where I'll end the second part of this puppy. Third part coming up, next.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-01-03 02:06 am (UTC)Go you! You did it.
I gave that medicine a very long chance, but it never helped, and though I did kind of like how I noticed less palpitations with it, in addition to not wanting to use it a crutch for the anxiety, and wanting to save money by not getting it anymore, I also decided to try to get off it again because of concerns that it was increasing depression.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Those tests were tricky little bastards, but I still did well in the classes I had with that teacher, which I was proud of.
Another go you!
I'm obviously not as good on the geography now as I was then, because you start forgetting stuff after a while, but I'm still pretty smooth with it because of those quizzes. And even if I've forgotten some, I know I could easily go back and review, and I'd be back to knowing every country on Earth. Which is always fun, because of how insanely ignorant most people are of geography, so when you aren't, you get to walk around like hot shit. Hee. Yeah, I have no shame. I'm all "Who here knows where Togo is? Oh, that's right, me! I forgot! What up! You want some of this?" Heh, then the person just punches me, like "who's hot shit now, bitch? That's right, keep crying."
*Is impressed*
And, by the way, he is the CUTEST newborn I've ever seen. He cried some at first, but calmed down really quickly. Then he didn't even cry at all, as everyone passed him around, and cameras were flashed constantly. Just kept yawning (AH! Hee. So! Fucking! CUTE!), and licking his lips.
Awww, Jayden is so cute.
July 11th: Pictures of my nephew as a newborn.
Which everyone found so cute they almost fainted, I think :). I know I almost passed out from the cuteness.
The migraines have gotten worse, this year. And I can't even think about it, because I start really worrying, if I do. Like, about them getting better ever, or getting worse, and ugh.
I really hope they do get better, because it's so horrible what you have to put up with.
Right around this point of the year, I was really feeling low, and kind of giving into it. I don't think that helped, in the long run. I felt like I needed to be alone, but I wonder now if maybe so much of it just made me worse. I guess hindsight is always 20/20.
*Hugs*
. . .I can't handle her at all anymore. Not any of it. Not the talking to herself, not the constant negativity, not the self-absorbed bitching and ranting, or the childlike selfishness and cruelty.
*More hugs*
I have made a lot of steps this last year toward progress in my life, even when I wasn't psyched about it. Like, even though I'm not all about driving, I'm still going through with it. Even when I didn't have much motivation about getting a new job, I pushed myself forward with it. Hopefully, the satisfaction from these things will come later, but at least I'm not giving in to my depression, with those actions. I mean, I may not feel excited, I may not be able to imagine things making me happy, but I have to do them anyway. And hopefully the happier emotions will just come around, on their own, in time. The important thing is that I don't give into those emotions, in the things I choose to do.
I think you should be proud of yourself for making all these steps.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-01-03 03:13 am (UTC)