There are places I remember
Sep. 12th, 2009 03:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
This entry marks the memory of two very different events.
Number one, the most obvious: the 8-year anniversary of 9/11. Years may have passed, and new tragedies may have unfortunately continued to occur all around the world since, but my memories from that day are still as fresh as ever. The moment I heard my sister on the phone say to me "The twin towers are gone! They are completely gone!" is not something I'll ever forget. The only other time I ever cried that much in a single day was when my grandpa passed away six months before.
Number two, and much less important on a grand scale (but significant to me nonetheless), is that as of 12:04 am on 9/12/09 (yes, I checked. I am a nerd) it will be exactly seven years since my very first entry on livejournal. That is crazily crazy. I mean, just think about it for a second: a good chunk of you have now known me for most of my adult life, and have never even heard my voice. It's both incredibly weird and incredibly special, all at the same time.
So in honor of these anniversaries, both big and small, this entry will be about taking a look back (complete with a crazy picspam o' pics to better illustrate our Trip Down Memory Lane). I'm even breaking out my very first icon and everything. The oompas are back, yo. Ready to give you nightmares all over again! Haha.
(there'll also be a Vid of the Day of course, but I'm leaving you all in suspense as to which fandom it's for. I'll give you a hint though: which show was Rachael ape-shit obsessed with in 2002? Hmm, that's a tough one![/sarcastic])
Let's start by rewinding, shall we? I hereby give you the very first paragraph of my very first entry (titled--of all things--"All right, Dosidella, you win!" Haha):
"Hmm, so, I've never done this whole LJ thing before, but Dosidella signed me up for it tonight, so that I'd be able to read other people's journals, and respond to them. I'm not sure if I'll end up writing in it very frequently, but eh, who knows. My long-windedness knows no bounds! I could always use more places to ramble. Heh, watch as this becomes some massive novel."
Have there ever been truer words spoken? Seriously, I don't think so.
(And P.S. that sneaky
dosidella! Always getting me sucked into shit I said I'd never get into! Heh. You gotta be careful around her, I'm telling you. Before you know it she'll have you starting seven year long online journals and watching Buffy fanvids.)
Honestly though--and I know I'm a huge cheeseball for this--but when I realized today that this was my lj's anniversary (it's easy for me to remember because of the date) I started thinking about all the things I've been through these last seven years and the friendships that have developed, and I started feeling like I was going to tear up. Again, I realize what a complete & utter sap that makes me, and am totally using the fact that I'm on my period as an excuse. Heh. But really, it's kind of huge when you think about it. 20 to 27 years old. That is some epic shit right there.
And I realize that a large amount of the original meta crowd doesn't even log in to lj regularly anymore, but for those of you do & who are reading this right now: just take a moment and think about all the things that have happened in our lives over the last seven years. Not just on a macro level (i.e. the wars that have started, the elections that have passed, etc. Hell, YouTube didn't even exist when we first "met", that's how fucking long we've known each other), but on a micro level as well. Like when it comes to me personally for instance. You all have seen the bad, the good, and the ugly. And despite the fact that I may not have met most of you in real life, some of you still know more about me than my own family. Seriously. Next to my sister and my old therapist, there's no one else who knew more of what I went through in my early twenties than my online friends. Actually, even my sister didn't know all of it. Honestly, during the days when I didn't even know if I was going to be able to keep on living, you guys were right there. Always ready to lend support & advice, and I will never stop being grateful for that. I'm not sure if I would've survived those years without it. That's a hard and scary thing to admit, but it's true. And despite how cheesy & lame I feel for getting all sentimental and lovey-dovey like that here (I'm not very good at expressing affection without turning it into a joke), it needs to be said.
And anyway, it's a good day to be cheesy & grateful. If there's anything positive to take away from a tragedy like 9/11, it's to remember that you have to tell people what they mean to you when you can, because you never know when goodbye might come. There is no guarantee you or those you love won't die today, or tomorrow. That may be dark, but it's true. We feel invincible, but we aren't. The men & women who went to work on the morning of 9/11 did not know what was going to happen that day. Neither did the people on those planes. It's a dramatic example, but at its core shares the same truth we all face: that no one ever knows when their life is going to be over, regardless of how it happens. Even those who die of terminal illnesses still don't have some specific divine day-planner letting them know "hey, at 7:15 pm on September 30th, you're going to die. Get ready!" And really, that harsh fact of our own mortality is really too much for us to face for very long. It's not practical to live every day like it's your last, no matter what the cliche says. Inevitably, people turn back to living every day like it'll never be their last, which I think is probably just part of human nature. But every once in a while, it's a good thing to remember that life is in fact finite, and not to take loved ones or experiences for granted.
Moving on from that maudlin business though, let's take a look at the events this journal has seen me live through over the years, just for the hell of it. It's been a wild ride, yo.
Seven years in the life of Rachael:
-all the treatment I went through for depression and anxiety disorders. Just think, I "met" most of you guys at MBTV/Television Without Pity and meta when I was still struggling so hard I couldn't even work or go to school, and this livejournal first started not even a full month after I first went back to work after a six month absence. This journal saw me go from that, through therapy, through returning to work and school (which, damn, reminds me of how I never finished school and need to go back), and finally to where I am now--still struggling on occasion, but able to work, able to make friends, and able to live a life. I didn't know back then if I'd ever be able to say those things again.
-my mom being in psych ward/rehab places how many times? Seriously, you guys know what she was like back then, and you don't need me to remind you what it put my family through. She still has issues these days, believe me, but back then it was unbelievably intense and horrible.
-me turning 21. Hey, it's an important age! Hee.
-my sister getting married (and here's where I'd normally post a pretty wedding pic, but I don't have those online anymore. Just one pic of me in my bridesmaid dress and one of me and Nanny and Lance at the reception. And, okay, what the hell, our trip to the great white north (read: Canada) for that wedding was a pretty memorable trip, so we gotta at least see one pic, even if it's just of me. So here you go:

I look sooooooo much younger there, wow.
-my nephew being born. He wasn't even conceived yet when this journal first started, and my sister didn't even know back then if she wanted kids. How crazy is that? He's in first grade now, and this journal existed when my pregnant sister was calling me to ask if it was okay to drink juice while taking pre-natal vitamins because she was worried about having "too many" vitamins. Hahaha. Remember how insane my sister was when she was pregnant? Oh my God, such good times. I still make fun of her for that one, btw. "Is it safe to have a glass of juice?" IT NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY, SERIOUSLY.

Look at how little he is there! And look at my babyface! Holy shit.
And in contrast, here's the little dude on his way to his first day of Kindergarten:

-working at Sears and my epic Lovah crush. Heh. Ahh, memories. *wishes she had picture of him*
-me getting my own apartment for the first time and becoming roomies with
dosidella. Yes, my internet friendships involve cross-country moves, don't yours? Ha.

Aww, first living room! And lots o' boxes.
And as a bonus, here's Jen on our old deck. I always liked this pic for some reason.

-going from a size zero to a size 12/14. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS ONE HAPPEN?
-on a similar note, me as both a blonde and a brunette. I mean, it's a small thing, but still! It's weird. I look so different now than I did back then, between the weight & the hair color. Which is not to say I don't like how I look with dark hair too, it's just strange is all. Here, just to drive the point home in case it wasn't already accomplished above:
me in 2002 (look how young my sister and I both look! Daaaaamn):

and here's me now:

CRAZYCRAZY
-on a positive note though, re: my weight gain. I may not have the best self esteem in the world at the moment, but strangely enough I think it's actually better in some ways these days than it was when this journal first started. Like, I definitely have things about my body that I'm not happy with right now (I've been thinking more and more lately about joining a gym), but I'm rational enough at this point to realize that others could still find me attractive regardless of that. And I'm a hell of a lot less picky about all the "imperfections" that used to drive me up the wall back then. I gotta say, if I could get down to even close to what my weight was back then, I really doubt at this point I'd be all "I hate my small boobs! I hate my flabby thighs!" even remotely to the same degree. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever gripe about things like that if I lost weight again, but what I am saying is that I don't think I'd be half as crazy about it since I'm not half as crazy about it even now (when I objectively have more reason to complain like that, at least per what society tells you anyway. Aside from the small boobs thing that is. There's a definite benefit to gaining weight, haha). Maybe it's part of growing up, I don't know. I don't think so though, because my sister is 30 and is about 125 pounds (she's 5'4) and CONSTANTLY complains about how fat she feels. And I'm like "hello dude, I'm five inches shorter than you & thirty pounds heavier. STFU." So I think it's also about going through the experience of being on both sides of the fence (i.e. I've been 95 pounds, and I've been 155 pounds. It teaches you perspective knowing what it's like to experience both). And also it's probably a side-benefit of the help I got overcoming my issues with social anxiety, etc. I think it helped me look at things like that more rationally, and to still care what others think but not to let it completely overpower how I feel about myself. I mean, I wouldn't say I don't care at all what others think, or that I'm not harsh on myself still sometimes, but in comparison to what I was like back then? It's a lot, lot better. I couldn't even hardly go outside without wearing makeup back then, now it's like "whatever, I'll wear it if I want." And if I'm having a bad hair day? Well, so be it. It's kind of liberating to be able to relax a little about those things, you know?
Anyway, back to the list.
-me being my sister's nanny, and endless tales of Jayden in all his adorableness

*squishes him*
-four jobs (Sears, babysitting for my sister, ACS, and now Xerox)
-three apartments (the one I shared with Jen & Kevin, and the two I've had since then on my own)
-coming out to myself and my friends & family as a big ole mostly queer bisexual. Hee. Well, most of my family anyway. To this day I still haven't talked about it with my dad, stepmom, or brother. My relationship with my dad is complicated though, to say the least. And we had a really intense fight once about the topic of gay people when I was younger, which doesn't help. I'm sure it'd be easier to talk about it with my brother too if he didn't live with them. Once he moves out, I'm sure it'll come out (no pun intended, heh). But still, I finally faced it myself, told my friends, told my Mom (who has been nothing but cool about it ever since, by the way), told my sister, and even talked about it with my grandma. It was a really big deal for me, and the fact that you can look at old entries of mine here where I'd answer questions in surveys like "would you ever kiss a girl?" and be like "no, I'm straight," is just fucking nuts to think about, you know?
-going with the same topic some more, my first (and only, natch) relationship with a girl. Sigh, I am waaaaaaay overdue for some dates up in here. Singledom is getting old fast, lemme tell you. (and I could actually post a picture of us together here, but this is a public post & I have no idea if she'd be okay with that, so we'll skip that idea).
-bunches of different fandoms. This journal started when I was still uber-obsessed with the X-Files and was still all ranting about seasons 8 and 9. Heh. Like, seriously, this lj is so old it started the same year that show ended. THAT'S OLD. And I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still very much an X-Phile and always will be, but back then? Sheesh. I very clearly remember dancing around my house after getting season 6 on DVD as a gift, which back then cost like $80-$100. Add the "oh my God, HOW much did it cost?" to the fact that back then having a show on DVD was like the coolest thing EVAH as far as I was concerned, and again: OLD. Heh.

Gaaaah, they are so adorable in that pic! I can't even deal with it.
-the five years that have passed since I saw most of the people on my dad's side of the family. Since then I've seen one of my cousins, but that's it. I haven't seen my dad, stepmom or little brother since 2004, when I went to visit them on vacation (remember, they moved to Arizona). My brother went from 13 to 18 in that timespan. That makes me sad. Remember how close he and I were when this lj first started? It also makes me kind of sad that my uncles sort of just forgot I existed as soon as he moved, despite the fact that we still live in the same area. Sometimes family = fail, you know? I'm hoping when my brother eventually moves back up to Oregon (which he plans to do in the next couple years), we can maybe regain some of that closeness again, because it's really hard to do when he lives so far away and is not much of a phone or internet person. And then maybe he can finally reunite with our sister too, who hasn't seen him since he was three (again, my family is complicated)
*cue shameless babypic of me with my dad, because everyone loves a good babypic, and because it shows me happy with my dad, and I hope someday we can get close again too*

(and here's one of me with my brother)

-my mom having a major heart attack, and then having congestive heart failure and kidney failure. On the plus side though, this journal also saw her go from treating her bipolar disorder with lithium (which helped some), to depakote (which was HORRIBLE) to abilify (which isn't perfect, but seems to be the best of the bunch). Like I said above, she still has outburts of lunacy, but the extremeness of her crazy antics is not quite as severe these days. Or at least if it is I don't always know about it, because now I have distance between us, which is a beautiful thing, heh. Helped our relationship exponentially.

(that's me and the Mom-inator).
-and last but not least, my niece being born (the cutest baby ever since Jayden of course). This is skipping past the part btw where my sister and Lance actually almost got divorced last fall right after she was born, which I honestly can't remember if I talked about here ever. It's too exhausting a topic to really get into anyway. It was an epic amount of drama, that's all I'll say. They've been back together though since last November, and have been trying their best to make it work. They've long had a bit of an up-and-down relationship though, so here's hoping they can find a way to just start maintaining a nice boring level marriage vs. the constant back-and-forth fighting and chaos that we grew up watching. They seem to be doing pretty okay right now though, but you never know. I still strongly believe they should both get counseling (together & apart), but they don't have a whole lot of money to go around (that's always their excuse anyway). Hopefully they manage to keep improving things on their own though, because they always seem fine until they're really, really not, you know? But I guess at least right now everything seems stable, so we won't worry about that. And it's not like their marriage doesn't have any positive sides, because it definitely does. But it's very inconsistent, and unpredictable. And that's the biggest thing to fix in my opinion, because speaking as a kid who never knew what to expect from her family while growing up, it is incredibly stressful to not feel like you can predict what's coming around the corner when you're a child and you're totally helpless to control your environment.
Getting back to Isabella and wrapping this up though, both she and Jayden are as cute as ever and are doing great. And no matter what's going on with their parents' marriage, at least they'll always have an auntie around to love and spoil the crap out of them. Always a plus. Heh.

And in case that one doesn't pack enough cute-tasticness for you, I'll pull out the big guns for my grand finale here:

CUUUUUUUUUTE.
So there you go folks, seven years, one journal, and a lot of verbose rambling. Thank you to all who have taken this ride with me, and who continue to read my blathering still.
I was going to also squeeze in some thoughts about Glee tonight, along with 500 Days of Summer, and the most recent episode of Mad Men, but I think I'll let those wait until my next entry. And of course I also plan to still recap the rest of season 4.5 of BSG. I'm kind of doubting at this point that I'll have it wrapped up before Bones starts though, but that's okay. It's not like it really matters. I just had the crazy notion to do it that way because BSG started as a summer show for me, so it felt right to end my commentary on the end of the series during the summer. Sometimes I'm a little OCD, okay? Heh.
Before I go though, here's the Vid of the Day. And in honor of the show that brought out the most flail in me when this journal first started in 2002 (and which still makes me flaily to this day), it'll be an X-Files vid. This one is again by lylexf, whose kung-fu is the best as Frohike would say. I love it so, so much. I actually literally get a little chill every time I watch it (heh, SUCH a dork). It really is just bloody fantastic though, in my opinion at least. And no spoilers really either from what I see, so it's safe to watch if you're a newbie to the show.
"We all have our faith. And mine is in the truth." <---*loves*
Number one, the most obvious: the 8-year anniversary of 9/11. Years may have passed, and new tragedies may have unfortunately continued to occur all around the world since, but my memories from that day are still as fresh as ever. The moment I heard my sister on the phone say to me "The twin towers are gone! They are completely gone!" is not something I'll ever forget. The only other time I ever cried that much in a single day was when my grandpa passed away six months before.
Number two, and much less important on a grand scale (but significant to me nonetheless), is that as of 12:04 am on 9/12/09 (yes, I checked. I am a nerd) it will be exactly seven years since my very first entry on livejournal. That is crazily crazy. I mean, just think about it for a second: a good chunk of you have now known me for most of my adult life, and have never even heard my voice. It's both incredibly weird and incredibly special, all at the same time.
So in honor of these anniversaries, both big and small, this entry will be about taking a look back (complete with a crazy picspam o' pics to better illustrate our Trip Down Memory Lane). I'm even breaking out my very first icon and everything. The oompas are back, yo. Ready to give you nightmares all over again! Haha.
(there'll also be a Vid of the Day of course, but I'm leaving you all in suspense as to which fandom it's for. I'll give you a hint though: which show was Rachael ape-shit obsessed with in 2002? Hmm, that's a tough one![/sarcastic])
Let's start by rewinding, shall we? I hereby give you the very first paragraph of my very first entry (titled--of all things--"All right, Dosidella, you win!" Haha):
"Hmm, so, I've never done this whole LJ thing before, but Dosidella signed me up for it tonight, so that I'd be able to read other people's journals, and respond to them. I'm not sure if I'll end up writing in it very frequently, but eh, who knows. My long-windedness knows no bounds! I could always use more places to ramble. Heh, watch as this becomes some massive novel."
Have there ever been truer words spoken? Seriously, I don't think so.
(And P.S. that sneaky
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
Honestly though--and I know I'm a huge cheeseball for this--but when I realized today that this was my lj's anniversary (it's easy for me to remember because of the date) I started thinking about all the things I've been through these last seven years and the friendships that have developed, and I started feeling like I was going to tear up. Again, I realize what a complete & utter sap that makes me, and am totally using the fact that I'm on my period as an excuse. Heh. But really, it's kind of huge when you think about it. 20 to 27 years old. That is some epic shit right there.
And I realize that a large amount of the original meta crowd doesn't even log in to lj regularly anymore, but for those of you do & who are reading this right now: just take a moment and think about all the things that have happened in our lives over the last seven years. Not just on a macro level (i.e. the wars that have started, the elections that have passed, etc. Hell, YouTube didn't even exist when we first "met", that's how fucking long we've known each other), but on a micro level as well. Like when it comes to me personally for instance. You all have seen the bad, the good, and the ugly. And despite the fact that I may not have met most of you in real life, some of you still know more about me than my own family. Seriously. Next to my sister and my old therapist, there's no one else who knew more of what I went through in my early twenties than my online friends. Actually, even my sister didn't know all of it. Honestly, during the days when I didn't even know if I was going to be able to keep on living, you guys were right there. Always ready to lend support & advice, and I will never stop being grateful for that. I'm not sure if I would've survived those years without it. That's a hard and scary thing to admit, but it's true. And despite how cheesy & lame I feel for getting all sentimental and lovey-dovey like that here (I'm not very good at expressing affection without turning it into a joke), it needs to be said.
And anyway, it's a good day to be cheesy & grateful. If there's anything positive to take away from a tragedy like 9/11, it's to remember that you have to tell people what they mean to you when you can, because you never know when goodbye might come. There is no guarantee you or those you love won't die today, or tomorrow. That may be dark, but it's true. We feel invincible, but we aren't. The men & women who went to work on the morning of 9/11 did not know what was going to happen that day. Neither did the people on those planes. It's a dramatic example, but at its core shares the same truth we all face: that no one ever knows when their life is going to be over, regardless of how it happens. Even those who die of terminal illnesses still don't have some specific divine day-planner letting them know "hey, at 7:15 pm on September 30th, you're going to die. Get ready!" And really, that harsh fact of our own mortality is really too much for us to face for very long. It's not practical to live every day like it's your last, no matter what the cliche says. Inevitably, people turn back to living every day like it'll never be their last, which I think is probably just part of human nature. But every once in a while, it's a good thing to remember that life is in fact finite, and not to take loved ones or experiences for granted.
Moving on from that maudlin business though, let's take a look at the events this journal has seen me live through over the years, just for the hell of it. It's been a wild ride, yo.
Seven years in the life of Rachael:
-all the treatment I went through for depression and anxiety disorders. Just think, I "met" most of you guys at MBTV/Television Without Pity and meta when I was still struggling so hard I couldn't even work or go to school, and this livejournal first started not even a full month after I first went back to work after a six month absence. This journal saw me go from that, through therapy, through returning to work and school (which, damn, reminds me of how I never finished school and need to go back), and finally to where I am now--still struggling on occasion, but able to work, able to make friends, and able to live a life. I didn't know back then if I'd ever be able to say those things again.
-my mom being in psych ward/rehab places how many times? Seriously, you guys know what she was like back then, and you don't need me to remind you what it put my family through. She still has issues these days, believe me, but back then it was unbelievably intense and horrible.
-me turning 21. Hey, it's an important age! Hee.
-my sister getting married (and here's where I'd normally post a pretty wedding pic, but I don't have those online anymore. Just one pic of me in my bridesmaid dress and one of me and Nanny and Lance at the reception. And, okay, what the hell, our trip to the great white north (read: Canada) for that wedding was a pretty memorable trip, so we gotta at least see one pic, even if it's just of me. So here you go:
I look sooooooo much younger there, wow.
-my nephew being born. He wasn't even conceived yet when this journal first started, and my sister didn't even know back then if she wanted kids. How crazy is that? He's in first grade now, and this journal existed when my pregnant sister was calling me to ask if it was okay to drink juice while taking pre-natal vitamins because she was worried about having "too many" vitamins. Hahaha. Remember how insane my sister was when she was pregnant? Oh my God, such good times. I still make fun of her for that one, btw. "Is it safe to have a glass of juice?" IT NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY, SERIOUSLY.
Look at how little he is there! And look at my babyface! Holy shit.
And in contrast, here's the little dude on his way to his first day of Kindergarten:
-working at Sears and my epic Lovah crush. Heh. Ahh, memories. *wishes she had picture of him*
-me getting my own apartment for the first time and becoming roomies with
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
Aww, first living room! And lots o' boxes.
And as a bonus, here's Jen on our old deck. I always liked this pic for some reason.
-going from a size zero to a size 12/14. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS ONE HAPPEN?
-on a similar note, me as both a blonde and a brunette. I mean, it's a small thing, but still! It's weird. I look so different now than I did back then, between the weight & the hair color. Which is not to say I don't like how I look with dark hair too, it's just strange is all. Here, just to drive the point home in case it wasn't already accomplished above:
me in 2002 (look how young my sister and I both look! Daaaaamn):
and here's me now:
CRAZYCRAZY
-on a positive note though, re: my weight gain. I may not have the best self esteem in the world at the moment, but strangely enough I think it's actually better in some ways these days than it was when this journal first started. Like, I definitely have things about my body that I'm not happy with right now (I've been thinking more and more lately about joining a gym), but I'm rational enough at this point to realize that others could still find me attractive regardless of that. And I'm a hell of a lot less picky about all the "imperfections" that used to drive me up the wall back then. I gotta say, if I could get down to even close to what my weight was back then, I really doubt at this point I'd be all "I hate my small boobs! I hate my flabby thighs!" even remotely to the same degree. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever gripe about things like that if I lost weight again, but what I am saying is that I don't think I'd be half as crazy about it since I'm not half as crazy about it even now (when I objectively have more reason to complain like that, at least per what society tells you anyway. Aside from the small boobs thing that is. There's a definite benefit to gaining weight, haha). Maybe it's part of growing up, I don't know. I don't think so though, because my sister is 30 and is about 125 pounds (she's 5'4) and CONSTANTLY complains about how fat she feels. And I'm like "hello dude, I'm five inches shorter than you & thirty pounds heavier. STFU." So I think it's also about going through the experience of being on both sides of the fence (i.e. I've been 95 pounds, and I've been 155 pounds. It teaches you perspective knowing what it's like to experience both). And also it's probably a side-benefit of the help I got overcoming my issues with social anxiety, etc. I think it helped me look at things like that more rationally, and to still care what others think but not to let it completely overpower how I feel about myself. I mean, I wouldn't say I don't care at all what others think, or that I'm not harsh on myself still sometimes, but in comparison to what I was like back then? It's a lot, lot better. I couldn't even hardly go outside without wearing makeup back then, now it's like "whatever, I'll wear it if I want." And if I'm having a bad hair day? Well, so be it. It's kind of liberating to be able to relax a little about those things, you know?
Anyway, back to the list.
-me being my sister's nanny, and endless tales of Jayden in all his adorableness
*squishes him*
-four jobs (Sears, babysitting for my sister, ACS, and now Xerox)
-three apartments (the one I shared with Jen & Kevin, and the two I've had since then on my own)
-coming out to myself and my friends & family as a big ole mostly queer bisexual. Hee. Well, most of my family anyway. To this day I still haven't talked about it with my dad, stepmom, or brother. My relationship with my dad is complicated though, to say the least. And we had a really intense fight once about the topic of gay people when I was younger, which doesn't help. I'm sure it'd be easier to talk about it with my brother too if he didn't live with them. Once he moves out, I'm sure it'll come out (no pun intended, heh). But still, I finally faced it myself, told my friends, told my Mom (who has been nothing but cool about it ever since, by the way), told my sister, and even talked about it with my grandma. It was a really big deal for me, and the fact that you can look at old entries of mine here where I'd answer questions in surveys like "would you ever kiss a girl?" and be like "no, I'm straight," is just fucking nuts to think about, you know?
-going with the same topic some more, my first (and only, natch) relationship with a girl. Sigh, I am waaaaaaay overdue for some dates up in here. Singledom is getting old fast, lemme tell you. (and I could actually post a picture of us together here, but this is a public post & I have no idea if she'd be okay with that, so we'll skip that idea).
-bunches of different fandoms. This journal started when I was still uber-obsessed with the X-Files and was still all ranting about seasons 8 and 9. Heh. Like, seriously, this lj is so old it started the same year that show ended. THAT'S OLD. And I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still very much an X-Phile and always will be, but back then? Sheesh. I very clearly remember dancing around my house after getting season 6 on DVD as a gift, which back then cost like $80-$100. Add the "oh my God, HOW much did it cost?" to the fact that back then having a show on DVD was like the coolest thing EVAH as far as I was concerned, and again: OLD. Heh.
Gaaaah, they are so adorable in that pic! I can't even deal with it.
-the five years that have passed since I saw most of the people on my dad's side of the family. Since then I've seen one of my cousins, but that's it. I haven't seen my dad, stepmom or little brother since 2004, when I went to visit them on vacation (remember, they moved to Arizona). My brother went from 13 to 18 in that timespan. That makes me sad. Remember how close he and I were when this lj first started? It also makes me kind of sad that my uncles sort of just forgot I existed as soon as he moved, despite the fact that we still live in the same area. Sometimes family = fail, you know? I'm hoping when my brother eventually moves back up to Oregon (which he plans to do in the next couple years), we can maybe regain some of that closeness again, because it's really hard to do when he lives so far away and is not much of a phone or internet person. And then maybe he can finally reunite with our sister too, who hasn't seen him since he was three (again, my family is complicated)
*cue shameless babypic of me with my dad, because everyone loves a good babypic, and because it shows me happy with my dad, and I hope someday we can get close again too*
(and here's one of me with my brother)
-my mom having a major heart attack, and then having congestive heart failure and kidney failure. On the plus side though, this journal also saw her go from treating her bipolar disorder with lithium (which helped some), to depakote (which was HORRIBLE) to abilify (which isn't perfect, but seems to be the best of the bunch). Like I said above, she still has outburts of lunacy, but the extremeness of her crazy antics is not quite as severe these days. Or at least if it is I don't always know about it, because now I have distance between us, which is a beautiful thing, heh. Helped our relationship exponentially.
(that's me and the Mom-inator).
-and last but not least, my niece being born (the cutest baby ever since Jayden of course). This is skipping past the part btw where my sister and Lance actually almost got divorced last fall right after she was born, which I honestly can't remember if I talked about here ever. It's too exhausting a topic to really get into anyway. It was an epic amount of drama, that's all I'll say. They've been back together though since last November, and have been trying their best to make it work. They've long had a bit of an up-and-down relationship though, so here's hoping they can find a way to just start maintaining a nice boring level marriage vs. the constant back-and-forth fighting and chaos that we grew up watching. They seem to be doing pretty okay right now though, but you never know. I still strongly believe they should both get counseling (together & apart), but they don't have a whole lot of money to go around (that's always their excuse anyway). Hopefully they manage to keep improving things on their own though, because they always seem fine until they're really, really not, you know? But I guess at least right now everything seems stable, so we won't worry about that. And it's not like their marriage doesn't have any positive sides, because it definitely does. But it's very inconsistent, and unpredictable. And that's the biggest thing to fix in my opinion, because speaking as a kid who never knew what to expect from her family while growing up, it is incredibly stressful to not feel like you can predict what's coming around the corner when you're a child and you're totally helpless to control your environment.
Getting back to Isabella and wrapping this up though, both she and Jayden are as cute as ever and are doing great. And no matter what's going on with their parents' marriage, at least they'll always have an auntie around to love and spoil the crap out of them. Always a plus. Heh.
And in case that one doesn't pack enough cute-tasticness for you, I'll pull out the big guns for my grand finale here:
CUUUUUUUUUTE.
So there you go folks, seven years, one journal, and a lot of verbose rambling. Thank you to all who have taken this ride with me, and who continue to read my blathering still.
I was going to also squeeze in some thoughts about Glee tonight, along with 500 Days of Summer, and the most recent episode of Mad Men, but I think I'll let those wait until my next entry. And of course I also plan to still recap the rest of season 4.5 of BSG. I'm kind of doubting at this point that I'll have it wrapped up before Bones starts though, but that's okay. It's not like it really matters. I just had the crazy notion to do it that way because BSG started as a summer show for me, so it felt right to end my commentary on the end of the series during the summer. Sometimes I'm a little OCD, okay? Heh.
Before I go though, here's the Vid of the Day. And in honor of the show that brought out the most flail in me when this journal first started in 2002 (and which still makes me flaily to this day), it'll be an X-Files vid. This one is again by lylexf, whose kung-fu is the best as Frohike would say. I love it so, so much. I actually literally get a little chill every time I watch it (heh, SUCH a dork). It really is just bloody fantastic though, in my opinion at least. And no spoilers really either from what I see, so it's safe to watch if you're a newbie to the show.
"We all have our faith. And mine is in the truth." <---*loves*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-12 02:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-13 03:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-12 04:45 pm (UTC)All of the pictures are great, the ones of the kids are adorable! Guh, thanks for sharing, I feel like I know you better now.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-13 03:20 am (UTC)It's nice to sometimes take stock of your life, and look back.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-13 12:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-13 03:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-13 07:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-14 12:32 am (UTC)