Obligatory drunk post

[rachg82]

I'm not really drunk though. I only had two drinks (a Long Island Iced Tea & a Rum and Coke). But I am focusing kinda hard on typing this, so uh yeah. Heh. Apparently my already low tolerances + Topamax do = at least a bit of drunky drunkenness (probably didn't help either that all I ate today was a bowl of cereal & a cheeseburger though). I think I'm gonna wait a while before I take it tonight. Though I'm tired and would like to just go to bed. But I don't want to skip a dose either. Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

As for how it went, it was actually fun. We caught up & laughed a lot, and it was nice to see her again. I finally found out why that bartender got so mad at us that time (remember when we were kicked out of the bar before we broke up? And she got called a dyke?). Apparently she didn't tip her enough. Not that that excuses the homophobic slur, but at least now I understand why the bartender was out-of-nowhere mad. Heh. And then we cracked up for like two minutes straight about falling in a snowy ditch on the way home afterward. Hee. Ah, drunken memories.

Oh, and by the way, we totes went to a gay bar. A lesbian bar in fact. First one I've ever been to! And their drinks were hella cheap! A rum and coke & beer cost EIGHT DOLLARS! (we're talking total) I think I love them. We both agreed that next time we'd go to the bar down the street for gay men, because they are apparently more exciting and have actual drag shows, and omg I've always wanted to see a drag show. But at least now I get to say I've finally been to a frakkin' gay bar, and it was cool because I saw a guy in a tiara, and one lady blatantly checked me out, and the bartender was this adorable gay guy who was all friendly, and I got to stare at this group of girls rockin' it to Lady Gaga without even remotely hiding it, and all in all it was fun gaytimes (and Amy kept making me laugh by saying shit like "this is pretty gay." Hahahaha). Let's hear it for gay bars!

Also, I feel like I finally got closure on the whole "what do I want with Amy" question, because now I know. I am still attracted to her--she is adorable, and we still have chemistry--but we should just be friends. She and I talked a lot about dating stuff, and she was complaining about how girls always use her & treat her like the "backup" chick, and I don't want to do that to her. I've never been in love with her, and we've already been down the road of dating once, which led to her developing stronger feelings for me than I did for her, and I'm not gonna date her again just because I think she's cute when I know she's going to feel something more than I do, and I'm really just waiting for something better to come along. I'm not that kind of person. And just because she's willing to settle for that, and does it all the time, doesn't mean I think it's right to let her do that. Because I'm her friend, you know? But the cool thing is we talked about the dating stuff, and somehow in there it became clear that "hey, we're just gonna be friends," and I could tell there was a little disappointment in there for her for a sec (I don't think she expected a relationship, but possibly something), but then it turned around & we were cool. And I think we will be cool. And that's. . .well, cool. Hee. Okay, here's where the alcohol is obviously affecting my writing abilities.

Sucks though, because I wouldn't mind. . .okay, shut up, Rachael. Hahaha.

Anyway, so we're probably gonna hit up another bar soon, and definitely go see that new Nightmare on Elm Street movie when it comes out, because she & I both love cheesy horror movies (when we dated, we used to marathon the fuck out of '80s slasher flicks). Good times. I'm so glad it looks like we might be able to become friends again. She really is a lot of fun to hang out with, even if I don't have some super deep connection with her. But I laugh when I'm with her like every second, and I could use some laughter in my life right about now.

Speaking of reasons I could use some laughter: my sister finally called me right before I left, and I was like, "Oh, I thought you were gonna be Amy; she's about to pick me up," and she was like, "sorry to disappoint." And I said, "No, I didn't mean it like that. It's just, I'd really like to talk to you, but I'm literally about to walk out the door." And she jumped all over me, like "you've really hurt me" and "that's fine, just turn your back on me like everyone else. You think your friends know everything," (which, wtf? I haven't even talked to her about what my friends think) and I was like, "what? Corinne, you're not being fair. I do want to talk to you, but I'm about to leave. My response to you was legitimate the last time you called. I told you months ago that I didn't want to talk you about Lance anymore & you said you'd understood that." And then she was like, "you're not my friend. Fuck you" and hung up. So. . .right. And she was crying, so I felt bad for her. But seriously, I'm not playing her game. I'm focusing on me right now and she needs to get her ass some counseling & take care of her own drama for once. There's nothing I can do for her that I haven't already done a million times over. Bottom line is, she's not my friend to still be asking me to be there for her to the extent that she expects through this shit when I've told her what it does to me. It's not okay.

Anyway. So that's that. As my girl Mary J. Blige would say, "No more drama in my life!" Instead, I prefer booze! Hahaha. Okay, not really. But after the gay bar tonight & a few drinks, I'm a little punchy. Night all.

Comments

[sonneta.livejournal.com]

Glad you & Amy decided to be friends, it sounds like you have a lot of fun together.

As for your sister, ugh. Good on you for sticking to your guns. It sounds like she is hurt because in her mind you don't want to talk to her (or that is how I am reading it by-proxy), but I think you've made it clear that you just don't want to talk to her about the Lance situation. It might be worth it for you to initiate a conversation with her, just because she's feeling unloved by you right now. But IDK.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I'm sure she is hurt, but not just because she thinks I don't want to talk to her, but because I won't talk to her about her problems that she refuses to do anything to change. And because as always, she can't accept the word "no." She throws a tantrum. When I told her I wouldn't watch Jayden for her two days a week (when I was working 40 hours a week; I'd already been watching him for her one day a week), she called me & Jen & Kevin "losers" and yelled at me so loud they were able to hear it in the background, then told me I wouldn't see my nephew at all. Then continued calling until they unplugged the phone for me.

I do know where you're coming from though, sweetie. But here's how I feel about it at this point: she doesn't care about how her life affects me whatsoever. I laid it all out for her months ago. I told her how every time she calls me about Lance, I feel sick & upset for days, and it affects my life. And then her life meanwhile goes right back to normal, but mine takes a while to find its balance again. I told her I've already given her all the advice I can, and she never listens. I've told her it makes me resent her. I've told her how I think it affects Jayden. I've told her Lance needs to go to A.A. and they both need counseling, together & apart, or she needs to leave him, and that I doubt he'll ever change regardless. But that whatever she does, it's her problem from now on & not mine.

So what does she do? Acts like she respects my decision, just so she can now throw a tantrum about it later. Yell at me, cry at me and tell me I'm "not her friend" and tell me "fuck you." Meanwhile she doesn't care AT ALL what this is doing to my life. As usual. I'm just over it. There's no point calling to tell her I care, because she's too combative & she's going to reject it. She already knows I care. She just doesn't want to hear that I don't want to talk to her about Lance anymore, and that I'm not going to come running to her to "make up" after she hungs up on me afterward. Well, tough shit, Corinne. And guess what, if you hang up on me again, I'm STILL not going to run to you immediately afterward. She's going to have to call me. Or she's going to have to wait a little while for me to call her. Either way, this shit is on my terms and I'm not going to be stuck in a cycle of drama with her.

Sorry to vent on you, but thanks for letting me do it. Heh.

[sonneta.livejournal.com]

Ugh, yeah, Corrine needs to save the drama for her therapist (that... she needs to get). <3

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Heh, perfectly concise icon & response, babe. Thanks. :)

[vash26.livejournal.com]

Glad you had fun at the bar, and the whole non dating decision sounds very sensible.

Sorry your sister called when you were about to leave. Those are inconvenient times, and can screw up your evening (which if I read it right, luckily it didn't). But still, not very nice to be throwing everything at you when she knows you don't have time to respond to it properly or deal with it at that time.

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

Keep in mind this is the same person who called me at two in the morning & didn't understand why I didn't want to talk, so I don't think she really gets "good timing." Heh. But yeah, my night was definitely not ruined, fortunately.