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1. My alarm woke me up with this song today. I just about had a meltdown. An au-gasm, if you will. Music that powerful hits me right in the body like a physical reaction. All over. Like strings plucked on the skin & inside your nerves. So many notes, and it's like they're each individually skipping & hopping in your mind's eye, visually, like lines & colors & dots. And you want to either shout or start flailing your arms like a spaz over how good it is. Like, "WHAT IS THIS? I CANNOT DEAL."
. . .or maybe that's just me. Heh.
Of course then my burst of music-inspired synesthetic happiness (including the link there so people know I'm not crazy, haha) had to be kicked in the metaphorical groin by a collections agency. Grr. Argh. I am unemployed, mofos! My money = brokedy broke-broke! You are stalking me over medical bills that are over a year old! I hate your face!
The worst part is that the medical bills are from two office visits (and lab work) from the Fall/Winter of 2009, mostly, which were all about my stomach (ergo, anxiety & depression as well). I kind of want to be like, "What would you like me to do? I went so I could keep living. She knew I had no insurance. Each office visit was $100, not including lab work (which came to A LOT MORE). I called a suicide hotline in September. I still have no job. I still have no insurance. I know this isn't your problem. In any other circumstance, I'd say I should've thought of it before going. But in situations of mental health--please--tell me what you'd like me to have done then & what you'd like me to do now. Should I kill myself now & make it easier for you? You still won't get your money. Wanna give me a job? No? Then shut up & stop calling me."
2. My sister emailed me last night, and I'm not going to respond. ( cut for manipulative bullshittery, as per usual )
3. I now have two sections of my fic completed & 2,500 words written. It's somehow decided to be some kind of linguistic chimera, part poem & part story. I don't know, dude, my brain does what it wants. Ha. I'd really like to have it done by tomorrow night, but we'll see. Depends how much progress I can make tonight. It'll be unique, that's all I'm gonna say. I'm still surprised by how much Booth is taking over this thing. I gotta give him the elbow a little, haha. Brennan needs some room! Especially because I'm not sure if I'm as good at his POV as I am hers. I know I understand his background like a snap, but even her way of speaking comes more naturally to me than his, not to mention the style of thoughts/perceiving the world. So, I'll have no problem with narrating his emotions & behavior, but I have to overthink things when it comes to HOW he thinks them & talks. Hopefully it all still comes out right in the end.
My real test though will be a scene I have planned coming up with Cam. Last time I barely had to write for her. This time I plan to give her quite a bit of dialogue. As a heads-up,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
keenai, you're pretty much just gonna be standing in for her. Hahaha. Kidding. But kinda not. Like, writing Angela? I kept thinking of my friend dosidella. And just how I am with some other friends in general. And whenever I need advice, boom, keen is always right there. And Cam seems that way too. Plus keenai loves Cam, so it just works.
So, yes. Keenai, you are hereby designated Cam. Haha. Maybe a littlehuh920 too, because I know you'll be twirling batons over seeing Cam get some attention, and because your snarky ways totally match up with "I'm a pathologist: ask me how!"-deadpan humor. Which, if you guys haven't noticed, is totally a trope. Like, really, there's not a pathologist on TV that isn't deadpan. It's like they're TRYING to make a pun. Without even saying it. (i.e. DEAD-pan? Get it? *rimshot*)
4. Sometimes I'm really glad I've kept this journal for so long. Rereading my 2002 Year in Review Post and some of my entries from October to December of 2003, it is obvious that I have made progress. Despite depression now, despite anxiety now, despite everything. Simply because of the *way* I talk about all of it. Things are different. I either know how I feel or I figure it out pretty quickly. I keep myself away from hurtful people. I have hopes for the future that I can acknowledge *might* work out. I have interests. I have creative outlets. I have friends, even if I don't see them often. It's just. . .yeah. And honestly? There were so many things I blocked out. That whole time period when my mom would just slam doors in my face & tell me to shut up if I started talking (and I'd be talking about something like insurance for my car, which I was paying for. I was trying to let her know something good), being called a "lazy little girl" and all sorts of other names, just on & on. And I'd come to LJ & try to still be chipper & it's just kind of heartbreaking to look back at. I'd be like "I keep getting waves of sadness & I don't know why." Really? You don't? With all of the stuff you're going through & thinking & having inflicted upon you? But I DIDN'T. At least now I'm starting to be able to figure it out, even though it hurts like hell. ( trigger warning so I can talk a little about last night + some bonus excerpts of old 2003 quotes )
Anyway, that's all for today. I think this entry will probably end up really long because of all the quotes. Heh. Whoops. Sorry, guys.
For my Vid of the Day, let's gay it up with redroseteas, shall we? Aww yeah, Idgie & Ruth! Totally shipped it as a kid & was so thrilled when I grew up & found out they were established canon in the book. I KNEW IT.
. . .or maybe that's just me. Heh.
Of course then my burst of music-inspired synesthetic happiness (including the link there so people know I'm not crazy, haha) had to be kicked in the metaphorical groin by a collections agency. Grr. Argh. I am unemployed, mofos! My money = brokedy broke-broke! You are stalking me over medical bills that are over a year old! I hate your face!
The worst part is that the medical bills are from two office visits (and lab work) from the Fall/Winter of 2009, mostly, which were all about my stomach (ergo, anxiety & depression as well). I kind of want to be like, "What would you like me to do? I went so I could keep living. She knew I had no insurance. Each office visit was $100, not including lab work (which came to A LOT MORE). I called a suicide hotline in September. I still have no job. I still have no insurance. I know this isn't your problem. In any other circumstance, I'd say I should've thought of it before going. But in situations of mental health--please--tell me what you'd like me to have done then & what you'd like me to do now. Should I kill myself now & make it easier for you? You still won't get your money. Wanna give me a job? No? Then shut up & stop calling me."
2. My sister emailed me last night, and I'm not going to respond. ( cut for manipulative bullshittery, as per usual )
3. I now have two sections of my fic completed & 2,500 words written. It's somehow decided to be some kind of linguistic chimera, part poem & part story. I don't know, dude, my brain does what it wants. Ha. I'd really like to have it done by tomorrow night, but we'll see. Depends how much progress I can make tonight. It'll be unique, that's all I'm gonna say. I'm still surprised by how much Booth is taking over this thing. I gotta give him the elbow a little, haha. Brennan needs some room! Especially because I'm not sure if I'm as good at his POV as I am hers. I know I understand his background like a snap, but even her way of speaking comes more naturally to me than his, not to mention the style of thoughts/perceiving the world. So, I'll have no problem with narrating his emotions & behavior, but I have to overthink things when it comes to HOW he thinks them & talks. Hopefully it all still comes out right in the end.
My real test though will be a scene I have planned coming up with Cam. Last time I barely had to write for her. This time I plan to give her quite a bit of dialogue. As a heads-up,
keenai, you're pretty much just gonna be standing in for her. Hahaha. Kidding. But kinda not. Like, writing Angela? I kept thinking of my friend dosidella. And just how I am with some other friends in general. And whenever I need advice, boom, keen is always right there. And Cam seems that way too. Plus keenai loves Cam, so it just works. So, yes. Keenai, you are hereby designated Cam. Haha. Maybe a little
huh920 too, because I know you'll be twirling batons over seeing Cam get some attention, and because your snarky ways totally match up with "I'm a pathologist: ask me how!"-deadpan humor. Which, if you guys haven't noticed, is totally a trope. Like, really, there's not a pathologist on TV that isn't deadpan. It's like they're TRYING to make a pun. Without even saying it. (i.e. DEAD-pan? Get it? *rimshot*) 4. Sometimes I'm really glad I've kept this journal for so long. Rereading my 2002 Year in Review Post and some of my entries from October to December of 2003, it is obvious that I have made progress. Despite depression now, despite anxiety now, despite everything. Simply because of the *way* I talk about all of it. Things are different. I either know how I feel or I figure it out pretty quickly. I keep myself away from hurtful people. I have hopes for the future that I can acknowledge *might* work out. I have interests. I have creative outlets. I have friends, even if I don't see them often. It's just. . .yeah. And honestly? There were so many things I blocked out. That whole time period when my mom would just slam doors in my face & tell me to shut up if I started talking (and I'd be talking about something like insurance for my car, which I was paying for. I was trying to let her know something good), being called a "lazy little girl" and all sorts of other names, just on & on. And I'd come to LJ & try to still be chipper & it's just kind of heartbreaking to look back at. I'd be like "I keep getting waves of sadness & I don't know why." Really? You don't? With all of the stuff you're going through & thinking & having inflicted upon you? But I DIDN'T. At least now I'm starting to be able to figure it out, even though it hurts like hell. ( trigger warning so I can talk a little about last night + some bonus excerpts of old 2003 quotes )
Anyway, that's all for today. I think this entry will probably end up really long because of all the quotes. Heh. Whoops. Sorry, guys.
For my Vid of the Day, let's gay it up with redroseteas, shall we? Aww yeah, Idgie & Ruth! Totally shipped it as a kid & was so thrilled when I grew up & found out they were established canon in the book. I KNEW IT.
