And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free

It's been a while since I used this icon. Burn it to the ground, baby. Bridges are gone.

My mom emailed me tonight. I responded. I almost didn't. I actually got up & began walking away (I was about to go get dinner), then something inside me snapped & said, "No. I need to do this. There are things I want to say. I'm tired of having shit flung at me & just taking it." Especially since, hello, I've asked her how many times now to stop emailing me? (more than once last year & one more time this year--TAKE A HINT. Do I need to send you a carrier pigeon with a note?) I'm beyond pissed at this point. It's one thing to continue getting emails to begin with; it's another to get them & be insulted/screwed with on top of that. When I considered the possibility that I might be sad if no one in my family reached out at all this week (including my grandma, etc), this wasn't what I meant. And either way, I'm over it. Being used to being abused, or not--and having been wrongly taught to think that equals love, or not---I want this away from me now. Not later. NOW. A year ago-now. ( Motherfucker, it's about to be on like Donkey Kong. )

I'm looking forward to the record release party tomorrow night/tonight (staying up past midnight always confuses me, hee) though, so I'm not letting this put a damper on that. If anything, in a weird way, right now the "OMG, FUCK YOU" anger has sort of helped in an odd way. I was feeling so bad about myself the last few days & this sort of reminded me that, hey, I'm a fairly goodhearted person, I came from hell, and the anger I'm feeling should not be pointed at me. Not that I'm going to sit around & endlessly revel in sourpuss frowneytimes now (not my thing), but it was just good to *feel* that, speak the truth, and remember who I am again. I'm a strong, honest, sensitive person who wants a better life. It's not a crime. It's hard for me because A. life is hard for everyone, B. I came from a pit of snakes, and C. I have a slightly more-so-than-"usual" complicated brain. Oh, well. I'm quirky. It doesn't mean I'm BAD. Good things can come out of it too, right?

The more I keep telling myself that--eventually--I just might believe it.[/Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley]

Oh, and by the way? I'll totally be sporting knuckle tats on my birthday like a champ. ( cut for facebook shenanigans )

For my Vid of the Day, here is my official anthem for my 29th birthday. Take it away, Idina:

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No other way, no day but today

Well, hello there, January 27th. We meet again.

Once, I looked like this:

( Hey, what the crap? Rachael's blonde! )

That was a fun waste of time, eh? Ha. I so need to get my ass in the shower/do laundry/eat/bla bla bla, too. I slept in absurdly late today (like, 3 pm, late. And only got up then because my alarm was set). In my defense, however, I accidentally missed picking up my refill of Topiramate (my migraine medication) yesterday, therefore missing a dose, and it totally threw me off. That is *not* the kind of thing you stop suddenly. I could not fall asleep last night for the life of me, particularly because my heart was all race-y & I'd heard a side effect of sudden discontinuation could be seizures, even if you don't have epilepsy (its original purpose was as an anti-epilepsy drug & is still used for that too), so I was all, "OMG, I DON'T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP & HAVE A SEIZURE.[/irrational thinking] I've heard there's drooling involved, which would be most unpleasant. Also, I haven't finished my fanfic yet, so I'm not ready to die yet, in case that's a possibility." Ha. Seriously, MY BRAIN, folks. But, hey, at least my reaction was that I *didn't* want to die! That's something!

Not to worry, I picked up the refill first thing this morning, then came home & passed out. Heh. IMAGINARY SEIZURE AVOIDED. Yay. (Cut me slack--I was fairly OCD as a kid & I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If you tell me, "don't stop taking this suddenly," I'm gonna freak out if I accidentally screw that up. At least I don't feel the need to write down if I take things like aleve anymore; I used to do that, worrying I'd somehow "forget" I'd taken it & then overdose on it or something by not allowing a full 24 hours in between. Dun dun DUN. *rolls eyes*)

In other news, I started my day with barf. OF COURSE. I'm just gonna consider it symbolic & a representation of me releasing my past. Let's go with that. Sounds better than "I am uber stressed & holidays have horrible associations for me & ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH."

It's okay. I made use of my time last night--once realizing I had missed getting my refill & was gonna be up climbing the walls anyway--writing my fic. The ending is forming itself in my mind now & I'm beginning to feel really pleased with the whole thing. Holla. I can't decide if I want to wait to watch tonight's episode until after finishing it though. I have the feeling I'm really close to being done--like, might finish it tomorrow or the next day-done--or if I should watch it & let it possibly become incorporated into the story, in case anything happens that alters the plot or characterization. I think you guys know by now that, while writing, I get everything sort of just *laid out in my head*, and it frankly annoys me & frays my nerves when anything comes along to cause a deviation from that path. Ha. Like, the nerve! Of a TV show! Thinking it can do things with its own storylines! Whatev to that.

OH, and before I forget: a huge, huge thank you to everyone for their Birthday wishes/greetings/love so far. Especially crystalcazzie for the chocolates (that was SUCH a nice surprise!), dosidella for the book (thanks again, sweetie), vash26 for the message, and sonneta for the vgift. I'll try to reply individually to everyone soon, but in the meantime, I love & appreciate all of you so, so much.

P.S. HAPPY BONES DAY! Haha. In my haste to finish my fic, I kind of forgot about that. Tonight's episode actually looks really good. After all the angst & handwringing, I'm ready for some shootin'! LET IT OUT, BITCHES!

Vid of the Day:

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