It's been a while since I used this icon. Burn it to the ground, baby. Bridges are gone.
My mom emailed me tonight. I responded. I almost didn't. I actually got up & began walking away (I was about to go get dinner), then something inside me snapped & said, "No. I need to do this. There are things I want to say. I'm tired of having shit flung at me & just taking it." Especially since, hello, I've asked her how many times now to stop emailing me? (more than once last year & one more time this year--TAKE A HINT. Do I need to send you a carrier pigeon with a note?) I'm beyond pissed at this point. It's one thing to continue getting emails to begin with; it's another to get them & be insulted/screwed with on top of that. When I considered the possibility that I might be sad if no one in my family reached out at all this week (including my grandma, etc), this wasn't what I meant. And either way, I'm over it. Being used to being abused, or not--and having been wrongly taught to think that equals love, or not---I want this away from me now. Not later. NOW. A year ago-now. ( Motherfucker, it's about to be on like Donkey Kong. )
I'm looking forward to the record release party tomorrow night/tonight (staying up past midnight always confuses me, hee) though, so I'm not letting this put a damper on that. If anything, in a weird way, right now the "OMG, FUCK YOU" anger has sort of helped in an odd way. I was feeling so bad about myself the last few days & this sort of reminded me that, hey, I'm a fairly goodhearted person, I came from hell, and the anger I'm feeling should not be pointed at me. Not that I'm going to sit around & endlessly revel in sourpuss frowneytimes now (not my thing), but it was just good to *feel* that, speak the truth, and remember who I am again. I'm a strong, honest, sensitive person who wants a better life. It's not a crime. It's hard for me because A. life is hard for everyone, B. I came from a pit of snakes, and C. I have a slightly more-so-than-"usual" complicated brain. Oh, well. I'm quirky. It doesn't mean I'm BAD. Good things can come out of it too, right?
The more I keep telling myself that--eventually--I just might believe it.[/Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley]
Oh, and by the way? I'll totally be sporting knuckle tats on my birthday like a champ. ( cut for facebook shenanigans )
For my Vid of the Day, here is my official anthem for my 29th birthday. Take it away, Idina:
My mom emailed me tonight. I responded. I almost didn't. I actually got up & began walking away (I was about to go get dinner), then something inside me snapped & said, "No. I need to do this. There are things I want to say. I'm tired of having shit flung at me & just taking it." Especially since, hello, I've asked her how many times now to stop emailing me? (more than once last year & one more time this year--TAKE A HINT. Do I need to send you a carrier pigeon with a note?) I'm beyond pissed at this point. It's one thing to continue getting emails to begin with; it's another to get them & be insulted/screwed with on top of that. When I considered the possibility that I might be sad if no one in my family reached out at all this week (including my grandma, etc), this wasn't what I meant. And either way, I'm over it. Being used to being abused, or not--and having been wrongly taught to think that equals love, or not---I want this away from me now. Not later. NOW. A year ago-now. ( Motherfucker, it's about to be on like Donkey Kong. )
I'm looking forward to the record release party tomorrow night/tonight (staying up past midnight always confuses me, hee) though, so I'm not letting this put a damper on that. If anything, in a weird way, right now the "OMG, FUCK YOU" anger has sort of helped in an odd way. I was feeling so bad about myself the last few days & this sort of reminded me that, hey, I'm a fairly goodhearted person, I came from hell, and the anger I'm feeling should not be pointed at me. Not that I'm going to sit around & endlessly revel in sourpuss frowneytimes now (not my thing), but it was just good to *feel* that, speak the truth, and remember who I am again. I'm a strong, honest, sensitive person who wants a better life. It's not a crime. It's hard for me because A. life is hard for everyone, B. I came from a pit of snakes, and C. I have a slightly more-so-than-"usual" complicated brain. Oh, well. I'm quirky. It doesn't mean I'm BAD. Good things can come out of it too, right?
The more I keep telling myself that--eventually--I just might believe it.[/Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley]
Oh, and by the way? I'll totally be sporting knuckle tats on my birthday like a champ. ( cut for facebook shenanigans )
For my Vid of the Day, here is my official anthem for my 29th birthday. Take it away, Idina: