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Coffee black & egg white
Feb. 7th, 2011 11:07 pmWriting is supposed to help when one is overwhelmed, right? So, I'm here. I feel bad for it though, so please feel free to just ignore this post if it's…I don't know. Whatever.
I want to think I'm fine, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I kind of think I'm not. I feel like August again. Like September. Like I'm sliding, falling. I look at the time & it's hard to breathe. There's too much time left. I've already wasted too much.
I want to snap out of this, because I was improving--hence the "but I'm really fine; I'll be okay. This is just a temporary setback. I'm probably about to start my period"--but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping I will, but I don't know. I'm scared I won't. My thoughts aren't providing much motivation.
Little things shouldn't knock me down. But I was already depressed. How much loss can one person handle within a twelve month period? How many times can people who say they care pull off a mask & reveal cruelty? I feel browbeaten & shellshocked.
I wrote (on paper--like ye olde days) earlier tonight to try to deal.
( Cut for triggery stream of consciousness tripe )
That's that. I'm trying. I know rationally that this was a big blow, after months of many big blows. I guess it's "okay" to be extra depressed right now, especially considering I…you know…already was. My resolutions have totally crumbled. But hey, no significant SI. I'm alive. Points for effort. I think going a while not hearing from my family would help, assuming that can be managed. I still can't even hear a car door shut outside without tensing up. I need some peace. If I can try, little by little, to get my place cleaned up, and get my resolutions back in gear--not all at once, but just day by day, gradually--I should get there. I'll be okay. It's all right that I'm struggling for now though, right? It doesn't make me even worse of a person?
That last sentence made me tear up, even if nothing came out. Well, I guess I'm starting to feel it? Writing did help after all. Yay for that.
I would like to try to keep this thing balanced though. I don't like being all doom & gloom 24/7. It's not my way. So, in the interest of making room for light amongst the darkness, let's talk about Bones this week (and by "this" week, I mean last week. You know what I mean).
( The Sin in the Sisterhood )
For my Vid of the Day, I'll cheer myself up with one of my favorite, favorite movies. This is by Alias4557:
I want to think I'm fine, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I kind of think I'm not. I feel like August again. Like September. Like I'm sliding, falling. I look at the time & it's hard to breathe. There's too much time left. I've already wasted too much.
I want to snap out of this, because I was improving--hence the "but I'm really fine; I'll be okay. This is just a temporary setback. I'm probably about to start my period"--but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping I will, but I don't know. I'm scared I won't. My thoughts aren't providing much motivation.
Little things shouldn't knock me down. But I was already depressed. How much loss can one person handle within a twelve month period? How many times can people who say they care pull off a mask & reveal cruelty? I feel browbeaten & shellshocked.
I wrote (on paper--like ye olde days) earlier tonight to try to deal.
( Cut for triggery stream of consciousness tripe )That's that. I'm trying. I know rationally that this was a big blow, after months of many big blows. I guess it's "okay" to be extra depressed right now, especially considering I…you know…already was. My resolutions have totally crumbled. But hey, no significant SI. I'm alive. Points for effort. I think going a while not hearing from my family would help, assuming that can be managed. I still can't even hear a car door shut outside without tensing up. I need some peace. If I can try, little by little, to get my place cleaned up, and get my resolutions back in gear--not all at once, but just day by day, gradually--I should get there. I'll be okay. It's all right that I'm struggling for now though, right? It doesn't make me even worse of a person?
That last sentence made me tear up, even if nothing came out. Well, I guess I'm starting to feel it? Writing did help after all. Yay for that.
I would like to try to keep this thing balanced though. I don't like being all doom & gloom 24/7. It's not my way. So, in the interest of making room for light amongst the darkness, let's talk about Bones this week (and by "this" week, I mean last week. You know what I mean).
( The Sin in the Sisterhood )For my Vid of the Day, I'll cheer myself up with one of my favorite, favorite movies. This is by Alias4557:
